[Intro Theme]
ANNOUNCER
Rusty Quill Presents: The Magnus Protocol.
What If Episode 1 – What If They Listened to Colin?
[Music]
[Beeping and whirring, then a dial tone: a phone recording]
[Slow, plodding typing noises – the keys sound modern now!]
[Alice sighs, moans and stretches luxuriously]
[Lena almost immediately starts to tap on her glass outside]
ALICE
(muttering) Yeah, yeah…
[Alice returns to work. It’s agonizingly monotonous.]
[A door opens:]
COLIN
(noticeably more upbeat than usual) Hey Alice, sorry to interrupt, um, see –
ALICE
(manic) Oh thank god – Colin! Colin, my main man, the techlord himself! How are you? It’s great to see ya!
COLIN
(dubious) …Uh-huh.
[Swivel chair noises as Alice stands]
ALICE
We should go catch up! Grab a coffee in the breakroom, share a few laughs, catch each other up on –
[Lena taps on her glass again, faster this time]
[Alice takes a theatrically deep and steadying breath and sits again]
ALICE
…literally anything than sitting alone at my desk, forever.
COLIN
(chuckles) Problems?
ALICE
Everything is working just like you said it would.
COLIN
Told you. And all it took was ripping the entire system out and rebuilding it from the ground up. No more mad German algorithms, just nice straightforward webcrawlers.
ALICE
Uh-huh.
(sulky) I want you to change it back.
COLIN
(laughing) Alice –
ALICE
Just hear me out, all right? It’s not like you’ve got anything better to do.
COLIN
I mean…
ALICE
And that’s exactly the problem! When you said you could, (audible air-quotes) “fix everything,” I kinda thought you meant you would make it better for everyone.
COLIN
…It is better.
ALICE
Is it, though? Or am I sitting here alone, bored out of my goddamned skuuuull?
COLIN
Alice, you were bored before. Besides which, this place was a madhouse. Nothing worked, no one could get anything done.
ALICE
(wistful) It was wonderful…
COLIN
It was my own personal hell, is what it was. Now look around. Everything works! It takes you half as long to get through your case load –
ALICE
(sulkier) So Lena gives me twice as much!
COLIN
And now we’re working days. We get weekends now, bank holidays, we get to see the sun…!
ALICE
(sulkiest) I hate the sun.
COLIN
No you don’t.
ALICE
And I miss Freddy, and Chester, and Norris, and Augu–
[Colin sighs.]
COLIN
You said you liked the new system.
ALICE
And I did!
Until it got everyone fired.
[A long pause.]
How exactly did you think they were going to pay for the overhaul, with all those extra bells and whistles you said they needed?
COLIN
I dunno. Lena said she’d take care of it.
ALICE
Pro tip, Colin, mate, when someone says they’re going to “take care of it” you might want to check if they mean it in a pinstripe-suit concrete-galoshes kinda way before going ahead with it!
COLIN
You literally cheered when Gwen left.
ALICE
That was different. That was funny.
[She sighs deeply.]
But what the hell do I do now? I’m a cat without a mouse! No one to bullshit with, no one to talk to… I’m trapped down here alone, the last years of my youth leaking out through every tap of my desperately ergonomic keyboard.
[She taps mournfully at the keys]
[The computer gives a beautiful, glowing chirrup of approval]
ALICE
Disgusting.
COLIN
(snorts) Not my fault you had the best KPIs. Anyway, I might have something here to cheer you up.
ALICE
Oh yeah?
[Rustling as Colin pulls something out of his bag:]
COLIN
New company phone. Lena said you’ve been having issues with your old one.
ALICE
Yeah. It had this weird bug where it got thrown out of a window.
COLIN
Well, she says she needs you “on call,” so…
ALICE
Don’t do this to me, Colinnnn.
COLIN
It’s got a really janky AI assistant… Maybe that’ll fill the void?
ALICE
…
Well it’s a start, I suppose.
[She takes the phone]
[The recording shuts off]
[Dial-up tone: another phone recording]
[Sam is pushing his way through a chattering crowd]
SAM
Watch your backs!
[He sits, putting a drink down on the table]
SAM
They’re out of sherry, so I got you a G and T.
GWEN
Thank you. I guess.
SAM
Next one’s on you.
[He drinks]
It’s funny, I used to wonder how this place could afford to stay open.
GWEN
(emotionlessly) It’s almost like pubs make more money at six PM on a Tuesday than five AM on a Sunday.
SAM
Right?
You know, I never thought I’d say this, but I think I miss working nights. I’d forgotten how the Tube is during rush hour.
GWEN
Traffic’s the same.
SAM
Makes sense.
[They both drink]
[Awkward silence]
SAM
So… what have you been up to?
GWEN
Went home to visit family.
SAM
Sounds nice.
GWEN
It wasn’t.
How about you?
SAM
Er. No. I am staying as far away from mum and dad as I can until I’ve got better news. I’ve been applying for jobs, but for now it’s… beep-beep.
GWEN
…Beep-beep?
(realising) Ah.
SAM
Sainsbury’s. And even that was a struggle.
GWEN
…Sounds… interesting.
SAM
Does it?
GWEN
Not really, no.
[They both drink]
[It’s amazing how silent they can be in such a noisy place]
GWEN
Are you still investigating that university?
SAM
Hm? Oh, the Magnus Institute! (chuckles) Fat chance, this is the first time off I’ve had in two weeks. No, it turns out creepy mysteries are a bourgeois luxury.
GWEN
(huffs) Careful, you’re starting to sound like Alice.
SAM
Uh – have you heard anything from –
GWEN
No.
SAM
…Gwen, it’s not her fault.
[Another pause.]
SAM
So, uh…
[Teddy noisily approaches them.]
TEDDY
Coming through, coming through!
SAM
(under his breath) Oh thank Christ.
TEDDY
Hey, there you both are! (he sits) And you got a table! Nice!
GWEN
I got here early. I had time to kill.
TEDDY
I hear that. Well, let’s see if we can do something about that.
SAM
Yeah. So don’t get me wrong, Teddy, I appreciate the invite, but like, what’s this about?
GWEN
I’m somewhat curious myself.
TEDDY
Ah, right, straight to it then. (clears throat) I’ve got you both a job.
SAM
Hm?
GWEN
(simultaneously) Excuse me?
TEDDY
Well, almost. Provisionally, at least. Basically, the people I’m working for have heard that there are more ex-O.I.A.R. staff looking for a gig, and they are just so happy with me, that they wanna know if either of you are interested.
Congrats, you’ve both been headhunted.
SAM
Huh! Okay, so like… what do they –
GWEN
Why?
[Beat.]
TEDDY
Uh – sorry?
GWEN
The O.I.A.R. was hardly a dynamic work environment, and no offence, Sam, but the ink was still wet on your probation when they kicked you out.
SAM
Okay, some offence, but whatever.
GWEN
(sighs) My point is, why on earth would they want to headhunt both of us?
TEDDY
I mean, there’s a certain amount of overlap, and – you can say this for the O.I.A.R.: for all its faults, it was… “specialist”? I suppose you could call it resource allocation.
GWEN
Hm.
SAM
Not my first choice, but I could definitely be convinced. So like, do they want to meet, or –
TEDDY
Yep.
SAM
(thrown) …Okay, cool! I should be able to get some time off booked next week, if, um –
TEDDY
Now.
[Gwen exhales]
SAM
What?
TEDDY
I told you they were keen. That’s why I asked you here in person. If you’re interested, I can get you signed up right now.
SAM
Oh. O-okay! I am available, I guess…
[Alice enters unobserved in the background.]
ALICE
(faintly) I’ll try and grab us a table!
GWEN
(not noticing her) No.
SAM
No?
GWEN
(preparing to leave) Oh, I think you should definitely take this opportunity, Sam, but… I think I’m going to have to be a bit more… discerning, this time round. No offence.
SAM
Again, kind of offended, but… whatever.
TEDDY
If you’re sure…
GWEN
I very much am. Working for the O.I.A.R. was a… phase. (hint of sadness) I’ve been talking with my father, and, well.
Anyway, if you’ll both excuse me I have a car waiting.
ALICE
(to crowd) Watch your backs, hot stuff comin’ through!
(noticing the gang, stopping) Oh. Er… Hi?
GWEN
(icy) Ms Dyer. Surprised to see you here at this time.
ALICE
(awkward) Oh – yeah. We’re on days now, so, y’know…
GWEN
Of course you are.
If you’ll excuse me.
SAM
See you, Gwen.
TEDDY
Yeah, bye!
[Gwen exits as aloof as she can manage in a dense London drinking crowd.]
ALICE
Hey Sam, Teddy.
TEDDY
Hey Alice!
SAM
(flat) Hey.
[Beat.]
TEDDY
(valiant attempt at cheer) So, yeah! Er, tell you what, then, Sam – why don’t I go call them and let them know you’re coming and you can follow after you’ve had a chance to, uh… catch up?
SAM
Sure.
TEDDY
Catch you later, Alice, yeah?
ALICE
Sure, look after yourself.
TEDDY
Always do!
[Teddy exits through the dense crowd.]
ALICE
Sooo… you haven’t drowned.
SAM
What?
ALICE
My new therapist tells me I need to think more positively. I notice you haven’t been flayed by an industrial shredder either.
SAM
(a little brighter) Yeah, no, I’m fine. You?
ALICE
Same old. Enforcing the evil will of a self-interested government one taxpayer-funded paycheck at a time.
SAM
…Cool.
[A long pause]
[Alice is clearly uncomfortable and works herself up to:]
ALICE
Listen, Sam.
SAM
You don’t need to apologise.
ALICE
No, really, I –
SAM
It’s fine. Honestly. You couldn’t have known.
ALICE
None of us did. I mean, Lena was literally interviewing another newbie the day before!
SAM
I get it. It just… sucked, y’know?
ALICE
I do.
…
It was good to see you again. Would’ve been nice if it had lasted.
SAM
Yeah, well, unfortunately this is clearly a pretty bleak timeline.
[He drinks.]
ALICE
You’re forgetting about the one where Colin went mental and built an army of robots to torment us in his cyberpunk sex dungeon.
SAM
Eh, at least it wasn’t boring. Speaking of…
[Colin approaches from the distance.]
COLIN
(brightly) You got a table? Nice one! Oh hey, uh… (guiltily) Er.
SAM
Sam.
COLIN
Sam, right, yeah. (he sets his drink down) How you doing?
SAM
(coldly) I was actually just leaving. I’ve got an interview.
COLIN
Oh – great!
SAM
Assuming it lasts longer than the last one.
COLIN
(even more guiltily) Hah… yeahhhh.
ALICE
Let me know if they need anyone to turn up and make the corporate culture impossibly toxic! I’d be wanting six figures, and use of the corporate jet, of course.
SAM
Of course.
[He stands]
Have a good one, guys. Say hi to Chester for me.
ALICE
Hah. Will do.
[Sam exits; the phone recording goes with him]
[Colin and Alice’s voices grow distant:]
COLIN
Mm, I doubt he could’ve hacked it anyway.
ALICE
…
I’ll hack you in a minute.
[Phone recording shuts off]
[Music]
ANNOUNCER
The Magnus Protocol is a podcast distributed by Rusty Quill and licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution Non-Commercial Sharealike 4.0 International License. The series is created by Jonathan Sims and Alexander J Newall, and directed by Alexander J Newall.
This episode was written by Alexander J Newall and edited with additional materials by Jonathan Sims, with vocal edits by Nico Vettese, soundscaping by Meg Mckellar, and mastering by Catherine Rinella with music by Sam Jones.
It featured Billie Hindle as Alice Dyer, Shahan Hamza as Samama Khalid, Anusia Battersby as Gwen Bouchard, Ryan Hopevere-Anderson as Colin Becher, Kazeem Tosin Amore as Teddy Vaughan.
The Magnus Protocol is produced by April Sumner, with executive producers Alexander J Newall, Dani McDonough, Linn Ci, and Samantha F.G. Hamilton, and Associate Producers Jordan L. Hawk, Taylor Michaels, Nicole Perlman, Cetius d’Raven, and Megan Nice.
To subscribe, view associated materials, or join our Patreon, visit rustyquill.com. Rate and review us online, tweet us @therustyquill, visit us on facebook or email us at mail@rustyquill.com.
Thanks for listening.