[Soft piano music, instead of the usual ominous intro theme]
ANNOUNCER (ALEX NEWALL)
(soft, ASMR-style) Hi everyone, Alex here to pep you up with Big Cable Knit Jumper Energy. Now, some of you might not know this, but after a long hard day of brutally murdering your favourite characters, there’s nothing I like more than sitting down in a big, comfy armchair and enjoying a nice hot cup of Fluffy-Wuffy-uwu-Nonsense-Juice.
Now I know what you’re thinking: “Alex, the world is dying, held hostage by corporate greed and myopic self-interested political leaders – I don’t have time to check in on my favourite blorbo’s skrunkily twink ship drama! I’ve got to go eat the rich!”
And I hear you, I really do. Eating the rich IS important. But so is self-care. And sometimes, you’ve got to slow down to smell the flowers. So with that in mind, we wanted to give you a little something to help you out. A soupçon of silliness to send you on your way.
And so we present to you: this lovingly crafted season one bonus fluff episode, affectionately titled “Plenty More Fish,” which is full to the brim with positivity like friendship, love, and… punctuality. And is guaranteed completely organic and free from artificial horrors.
So, while you’re waiting for your Amazon Basics Guillotine to arrive, why not sit back, relax, and enjoy a taste of our delicious nonsense?
[Sip]
Mmm… yum.
[Dial tone fuzzes on – phone recording]
[Faint noises of people in the pub]
[Approaching footsteps:]
ALICE
There you are! What happened to the usual table?
COLIN
Already taken.
ALICE
(disappointed) What? How are we supposed to mope about in the corner when we’re in the middle of room? The vibes here are unconducive to bitterness.
COLIN
Yeah, well, tough, so sit your vibes down and get drinking, already.
[He pushes a glass over the table]
Got you a pint of your hipster piss.
ALICE
IPAs aren’t hipster, Colin, they sell them in Tesco.
[She sits with a thump]
COLIN
Almost thought you weren’t going to show.
ALICE
And miss the chance of seeing you moaning into your pint? Never!
COLIN
Eh, it’s a better listener than you.
ALICE
True. Bet it hardly ever calls you a sour old wanker with no taste in women or drink.
COLIN
Harsh… but fair.
ALICE
Speaking of…
[Alice raises her glass.]
ALICE
Merry divorce!
COLIN
And a happy “piss off”!
[They clink their glasses together in cheers, then take a sip.]
ALICE
What is it now, three years?
[She sets down her drink]
COLIN
Four and twelve.
[He sets down his]
ALICE
Still living the bachelor dream?
COLIN
What, dying alone? That’s the plan.
ALICE
Is your next-of-kin still that hard drive where you keep all of your porn?
COLIN
Oh, you think it’s just the one? Poor, naïve Alice. So young, so foolish in the ways of love. Speaking of –
ALICE
(sighing) Ah, and there it is. Go on then, take your shots at poor little Alice.
COLIN
It’s been, what, a month now?
ALICE
About that.
COLIN
I still can’t believe you got him the job. After everything you said!
ALICE
Hey, moaning about exes on Divorce-mas is just what you do! He’s actually a good guy who just needed to catch a break.
COLIN
Sure, sure.
Must be hard for you. All those unfamiliar human feelings bubbling to the surface…
ALICE
Ew. Are you trying to upset me?
COLIN
Aye.
ALICE
Then up your game, Becher, because I’m a stone-cold emotional fortress.
COLIN
Oh, good. Then you probably won’t have a problem with what’s lurking behind you.
ALICE
What?
SAM
(distant) Alice! Colin!
ALICE
Oh god.
COLIN
Alice. What is Sam doing here?
ALICE
I, uh…
[Sam comes up to the table.]
SAM
Heya! Am I early?
COLIN
No. Did Alice invite you?
SAM
Uh, yeah? She said you were having a “divorce party,” which I assumed was just her way of saying a bit of a booze-up, so…
[Alice ‘heh’s faintly]
COLIN
You see, Alice? This is what happens when everything that comes out of your mouth is a sarcastic joke.
[Alice sighs]
COLIN
People get confused.
SAM
Oh… (wincing) Ah. (taking a few steps back) Listen, if I’m intruding I can –
COLIN
You’re here now. What’re you drinking?
SAM
Uh… IPA. Thanks.
[Colin snorts, then gets up and heads to the bar]
SAM
Alice?
ALICE
(hurrying to explain) O-Okay, so, Colin’s been divorced a couple of times, and as part of some – (snorts) – bizarre cosmic joke, both of them ended up being finalized on the same day of the year. So he and I… (she sighs) We’ve kinda got this little tradition now where on that day – today – we get together, get pissed and uh – uh.
SAM
And…?
ALICE
(resigned) …And bitch about our exes.
SAM
Oh.
…
(realising) Ohhhh, Iiii should go.
ALICE
Too late for that! Colin’s already gone to get you a drink! You duck out now, and you’re as good as dead.
SAM
Sure, but –
ALICE
I wouldn’t worry! He loves to see me squirm, so I’m sure he’ll have a great time.
[Colin returns, setting Sam’s drink down in front of him]
COLIN
Here you go.
SAM
…Thanks.
[Colin sits]
COLIN
(mildly threatening) Drink it.
SAM
Er… okay.
[Sam sips.]
COLIN
Well, go on, then.
SAM
Sorry…?
ALICE
(reluctantly) I think what Colin is trying to say is that as the newest member of this particular bitchy subcommittee, you have to spill on your exes.
SAM
Um, okay. So, uh… there was this girl –
ALICE
I’m right here.
SAM
Hey, I’ll have you know I have plenty of exes.
ALICE
(laughing a little tightly) What, like actual humans?
COLIN
Get on with it!
SAM
(embarrassed) Right, yeah, sorry. So her name was, uh, Kelly, and she worked at my old office, in HR –
COLIN
Oh, red flag.
ALICE
(smirking) Did she make you sign a form?
SAM
She was nice!
ALICE
That’s not what I asked.
SAM
She… may have needed us to declare a potential conflict of interest, but –
[Colin snorts]
SAM
But that wasn’t why we split up.
COLIN
(impatient) Christ, what was the reason then?
SAM
Oh, it just didn’t work out.
COLIN
…
Right.
ALICE
(faux-conspiratorial) Listen Sam, if you’re going to hang with the Mean Girls, you’re going to have to do better than that. What sucked about her? What obnoxious habit did she have? What drove you up the wall and made you want to gnaw your arm off?
SAM
Oh, I don’t know…
[Colin sighs, bored.]
SAM
Oh, actually – she had this weird thing where, when she laughed, her tongue came like all the way out of her mouth. It was so weird – I can’t really do it, it was like… (trying to imitate it, fakely:) Hehehehe.
ALICE
Ew!
COLIN
(simultaneous) Now we’re talking.
SAM
Right? And she was into old black-and-white comedies. You know, Laurel and Hardy, the Marx Brothers, that kind of thing.
ALICE
(puzzled) I mean, that’s annoying, sure. But it – it’s not really –
SAM
(getting into it) No, I mean she was reeeally into them. As in, every date was round her place watching old movies and every time we ended up – (remembering his company) uh…
[Colin clears his throat loudly]
ALICE
(grinning) I’m sure you looked very fetching dressed up as Charlie Chaplin in stockings and handcuffs.
SAM
What – no! It was nothing like that.
[Alice chuckles; Sam thinks for a second]
SAM
Although… she did ask me if I smoked cigars and seemed a bit disappointed when I said no…
ALICE
Oh, Sam. My poor little oblivious baby shrimp.
SAM
I’m telling you, it wasn’t like that. We were just talking abou–
…
Oh my god.
ALICE
(eager) What?
SAM
(dead-eyed) She bought me a bowler hat.
ALICE
I’m sorry. What do you mean she, “bought you a bowler hat”?
SAM
(sheepish) It was a gift. She said she thought I’d look good in it.
COLIN
(chuckling) I bet she did.
ALICE
Amazing!
SAM
It’s not like I wore it out on the street or anything. Just once or twice when… well…
[Alice and Colin cackle]
ALICE
Oh, Sam. I know you think you want normal, but I think it’s pretty obvious that deep down, you only go for the truly depraved and bizarre.
COLIN
Sounds about right.
ALICE
Damn skippy.
SAM
Well, what about you, then, huh? I’m guessing it was non-stop horror stories when I wasn’t on the scene.
[Alice snorts]
COLIN
Mate, you have no idea. You are a well-adjusted, genius, alpha-male heartthrob compared to what Alice has been dating.
ALICE
I’m not that bad.
COLIN
Oh no? So you’d be happy to hang out with Amy again, then?
ALICE
Look, say what you like about Amy…
COLIN
All right, I will. She was a psycho who got you mixed up with your own brother, and then stabbed him for being an imposter.
SAM
I’m sorry, what?
ALICE
Okay, Colin is exaggerating. She barely broke the skin, and, in her defense, she was very high at the time.
SAM
Jesus…
ALICE
Obviously we broke up after!
COLIN
Yeah, a month after.
SAM
A month? Jesus, Alice…
ALICE
As I was trying to say earlier: say what you like about Amy, but, she was a fabulous lay.
COLIN
My theory is Alice can only get off with people who are properly batshit, y’know? Like… (snapping his fingers) oh god, what was his name…
ALICE
(sighing; wearily:) Ignatious.
COLIN
That was it! Bloody Ignatious, the man who was being hunted for the secret to cold fusion!
ALICE
Okay, in my defense, he didn’t tell me that until the second date.
COLIN
Sure, because he was too busy on your first date explaining how he might need to go “off grid,” because he was being pursued by… What was it he said?
ALICE
(sighing) “Despicable agents of numerous foreign powers.”
[Colin cackles]
SAM
And there was a second date?
ALICE
He could have been a sexy superspy!
SAM
I mean, I don’t know how “super” he could be if he told you that on the first date.
ALICE
Oh, stick it up your bowler hat.
[Colin snorts]
ALICE
You have no idea how bad it is out there for a trans woman with basic standards.
COLIN
Aye, so if I meet one, she’ll have my sympathies.
[They all laugh]
ALICE
You’re up, Becher.
SAM
Oh yeah! This is your divorce party or whatever, isn’t it? So go on, then. Weirdest hook-up?
COLIN
I don’t do hook-ups. I mostly just hate people, marry them, then divorce them.
ALICE
Speaking of, you’re about due to drop down on one knee again, aren’t you? I’d watch out if I were you, Sam…
[Sam laughs nervously]
COLIN
If I’m on my knees near any of you lot, it’ll be because I’m finally rigging the entire place to blow with you inside it.
[Sam laughs]
ALICE
Charming.
SAM
Alright then, how about the first marriage. What happened there?
COLIN
He cheated on me, with my manager. Had been for a while.
SAM
…Shit.
ALICE
Right, sure, tragic. A terrible breach of trust and all that, blah blah blah.
(leaning forward) But that’s not the real reason, is it, Colin?
SAM
Alice, come on, you don’t need to –
ALICE
Colin?
COLIN
I… (blows out air) might have been… sort of, maybe… looking to break it off anyway for a while?
SAM
…Oh yeah?
ALICE
(prompting) Because…
COLIN
(sighing) Because he was turning into a crypto-bro.
SAM
(laughing) I’m sorry, what?
COLIN
Oh yeah, yeah, laugh it up. You try living with someone when they fill the flat with bloody graphics cards running non-stop. He never put towards the energy bill, and every conversation was just another lecture on bloody blockchain or “blobcoin” or whatever the latest bullshit doing the rounds on Reddit was.
SAM
(amused) That does sound… a lot.
COLIN
Yeah. So when I caught him messing around with Clive, I dropped his crypto-wallet in the bog, took a dump, then flushed.
(smiling) Last time I checked… that shit would be worth about 1.2 million now.
SAM
(chuckling) Jesus Christ….
COLIN
Yeah.
ALICE
And that, Sam, is why we celebrate this most holy of days. To drink, moan, and remind ourselves that it’s absolutely the right decision to die bitter and alone!
(raising her glass) “There’s plenty more fish in the sea…”
COLIN
“And they’re all covered in their own shite.”
[They clink glasses.]
SAM
Mmm. Well, I don’t know if I’m quite at your level yet. Still got the heart of a romantic, I guess.
ALICE
Oh, we’ll cut that out of you, and burn it on the altar as a sacrifice to the gods of messy breakups.
SAM
I see! And would the high priests of heartbreak accept a pair of pints as sacrifice instead?
ALICE
I suppose they could be convinced to lightly amend our dread litany…
COLIN
Just as long as it isn’t any of that IPA piss.
SAM
(standing and heading to the bar) Of course, Your Holiness.
[Pause as Sam’s footsteps fade into the distance]
COLIN
I expect a full report on him next year after you wreck your life reopening that particular scrawny can of worms.
ALICE
…
Bite me.
COLIN
No thanks. Vegetarian, remember?
ALICE
Then go suck a carrot or something.
COLIN
I wish I could, Alice. I really do.
[Soft piano music comes back in]
ANNOUNCER (ALEX NEWALL)
(ASMR-style) The Magnus Protocol is a podcast distributed by Rusty Quill and licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution Non-Commercial Sharealike 4.0 International License. The series is created by Jonathan Sims and Alexander J Newall, and directed by Alexander J Newall.
This episode was written by Jonathan Sims and edited with additional materials by Alexander J Newall, with vocal edits by Nico Vettese, soundscaping by Tessa Vroom, and mastering by Catherine Rinella.
It featured Billie Hindle as Alice Dyer, Shahan Hamza as Samama Khalid and Ryan Hopevere-Anderson as Colin Becher.
The Magnus Protocol is produced by April Sumner, with executive producers Alexander J Newall, Dani McDonough, Linn Ci, and Samantha F.G. Hamilton, with Associate Producers Jordan L. Hawk, Taylor Michaels, Nicole Perlman, Cetius d’Raven, and Megan Nice.
To subscribe, view associated materials, or join our Patreon, visit rustyquill.com. Rate and review us online, tweet us @therustyquill, visit us on Facebook or email us via mail@rustyquill.com.
[He takes a deep breath]
Mmmmmm, yum.