[THE MAGNUS THEME FADES IN]
BEN
Hello! And welcome to The Magnus Archives Mothership RPG special, part 3. I am your – oh, in this game, “Warden” –
[EVERYONE OOHS]
BEN
– which is their fun Games Master terminology.
Ben Meredith, I play Elias – it’s the third part of this, you’ve listened to The Magnus Archives, you know what’s up! Who’s with me?
[JONNY & LYDIA CHEER WILDLY]
LYDIA
Oh, you meant our actual names.
BEN
I was, yeah, no. But also: Who is with me?! Battle cry.
[LAUGHTER]
JONNY
It’s me, Jonny. Hello.
LYDIA
I am Lydia, I played Melanie and now I am playing an android. Woo!
ALEX
Alex, I play Martin and I am still playing the goodest boy.
BEN
Good soft boy.
ALEX
Canonically I am!
LYDIA
You have a patch! That’s what it says.
JONNY
According to the patch.
BEN
Self-assigned good boy. Doctor Alabaster Artichoke.
ALEX
Look, okay. I’m the only one with written proof that I am a good person. Okay? So… Just saying.
BEN
We shall see.
But yes, when last we left you had just navigated through a sort of floating debris field of warehouse, kind-of-slash-greenhouse? But in going on, got to a field of horrible mould with translucent tendrils. Explored one of the tendrils and it tried to jab 0170701’s hand.
JONNY
It was like a little squid thing.
BEN
It was like a little vantablack squid. Little translucent antennae on top. Probably the kind of thing that might be a bit cute in a different context, but…
0170701
It may be an appropriate time to work under the assumption that these creatures, and/or biological organisms of another kind, are in fact hostile.
ALABASTER
(terrified) Retreat! Retreat! Retreat! Definitely retreat. Retreat, don’t run forward, run backwards. Well, float back–Agh!
BEN
If this is a good cultural reference – or at least, the audience, you could Google it – these things are like a 10-legged mimic from the video game Prey.
LYDIA
Oooooough.
ALEX
Yeah.
LYDIA
That’s scary.
BEN
Video games aside, after this thing kind of makes a weird squeal after failing to jab 0170701 in the hand, three more of them float up around you. And they do look like they’re swimming in water – so they’re kind of pushing their tendrils about to propel themselves through the pseudo-atmosphere in this room.
LYDIA
I prep my gun and aim at one.
0170701
You have a single chance to step down. I consider this behaviour an action of threat.
BEN
Okay. Well, I think one of them is going to not heed you and try and make an attack. So can you please make me an Armor save?
ALEX
They didn’t heed you!
LYDIA
What?!
BEN
No. And then I’m going to quickly look up who gets to go first, but I feel like this is a good intro to like, The Fight kicking off.
[DICE ROLLS]
I’m still rolling like bums. I fail by 31.
LYDIA
Combat… yes, I roll under it. Woo!
BEN
Delightful. In which case I think with a successful check, it attacks you, and it genuinely just bounces off of your battle dress.
[SFX: QUICK BOUNCE]
JONNY
I’ll be honest, I have been struggling a little bit with this horror scenario, just because it’s lunchtime on a really lovely day.
LYDIA
(laughing) Yes!
BEN
(simultaneously) Yes.
ALEX
(parent voice) No! You will all stay inside and play your games!
JONNY
(pouty kid voice) But I want to go to the park and run around!
[BEN SNICKERS]
ALEX
Stop running around and going out, playing and having fun with your friends! You’ll stay in and play games!
[MORE SNICKERING]
ALEX
On your computer! For hours!
JONNY
(sighs, petulantly:) Yes, Father.
BEN
So. In who goes first, now the fight has kicked off appropriately, everybody can make me a Speed check. Those of you who succeed get to go before the enemies, those who fail go after.
[JONNY MAKES AN INTRIGUED NOISE]
BEN
If you have Tactics as a skill, you can add this to your Speed check.
[DICE ROLLS]
JONNY
I fail!
BEN
Okay.
LYDIA
I succeed.
ALEX
Oh, there’s no chance I’m getting this.
[DICE ROLLS]
(groaning) My Speed’s 17 and I rolled 19! Augh.
That’s a fail.
BEN
Okay. 0170701 is acting before the squiddlers – vanta-squids is what I’m going to call them, why not.
– So they are apparently branded, because that is a brand name.
[LAUGHTER]
JONNY
Vanta-Squids, TM.
BEN
And then Carter and Alabaster are going afterwards.
LYDIA
I’m going to shoot the one that attacked me.
BEN
So. You get two significant actions in your turn.
LYDIA
Mm!
BEN
That’s quite loose, but the examples it gives is like – Attacking! Bandaging a wound! Checking vital sounds! Maneuvering a vehicle! Opening an airlock! You know, that kind of stuff.
LYDIA
Yep.
I’m going to shoot the one that attacked me.
BEN
Great. So, you make a Combat check and then it makes its Armor check.
LYDIA
Ooh.
[DICE ROLLS]
I rolled under my Combat.
BEN
Oh, so you succeed!
LYDIA
Mm!
BEN
Great!
ALEX
Always the turn of surprise.
BEN
Yeah, I mean, in these percentile systems, it is a bit of a “Ooh! I actually succeed!”
LYDIA
Well, I mean, my Combat’s 44, so it’s nearly a 50-50 chance.
BEN
– Yeah. Yeah, that’s true.
LYDIA
You’re like, “I regret that.”
[ALEX SNICKERS]
BEN
What weapon do you have?
LYDIA
I’ve got an SMG! Which is, I believe, a gun.
BEN
It is. And it does deal 4D10 damage, so please roll me 4D10.
LYDIA
Okay!
[DICE ROLLS]
That is a total of 14! I managed to get a 1, a 2, and a 3!
BEN
(deadpan) Ouch.
LYDIA
And an 8, but really that doesn’t make up for the rest.
BEN
Ah, well. You spray your bullets at this thing, the thing that I’m assuming tried to attack you because it’s the closest. Your bullets splatter into it, and it almost splatters like paint –
[SFX: SEVERAL RAPID SHOTS]
– but it doesn’t disintegrate or explode or do whatever these things do when they die. But it looks… deeply hurt.
LYDIA
Aww.
BEN
Not emotionally, physically.
[LYDIA LAUGHS]
ALEX
I’d feel emotionally hurt if you shot me with a gun!
JONNY
I’d feel a bit hurt!
ALEX
Yeah!
LYDIA
Yeah.
JONNY
You know?
LYDIA
Well, these things don’t!
ALEX
(mock-affronted) Just trying to give someone a standard spiky hello and then they throw lumps of metal at you. It’s nonsense!
JONNY
Pretty rude!
BEN
Right. It retaliates at you, Lyd, cos now it’s the monster’s go. There are four of these things, so again I would like an Armor save from you, please.
LYDIA
Ohhh, dear.
[DICE ROLLS]
Okay. So that’s 53 and my Armor is 35.
BEN
Okay. So that is a failure, and it, for once, succeeds, so it will deal you 4 damage!
Like, its tendrils start to jab into you –
LYDIA
Ough!
BEN
– and just start slicing and tearing as it can. These things aren’t huge, which is why it’s not doing a massive amount of damage. They’re probably the kind of thing where if they swarmed, they might be a problem.
LYDIA
That… doesn’t sound nice.
BEN
Yes. Speaking of, Alabaster. You are being faced down by two of these things.
And they are both going to try and strike at you. So I would like two Armor checks from you, please.
ALEX
Little did they know–! I… am weak!
[SNICKERING FROM PLAYERS]
ALEX
(laughing) And they will hurt me! So, Armor checks. Alright.
[DICE ROLLS]
BEN
Yeah. So the first one succeeds by 8 from me.
ALEX
Ooh! I succeed. I rolled a 7, and my Armor’s 30.
So I succeeded by 23.
BEN
Fine, you rebuff the first attack. And the second one…
ALEX
I write them a sternly worded letter saying, “No.”
BEN
…succeeds by 8 again.
ALEX
I miss by… 24. I was very lucky once.
BEN
That second one does actually manage to hurt you, dealing 4 damage. Both of these things, they push their tendrils together to make a spear – almost a spearhead – and propel themselves at you. You manage to dodge one, and the other one slashes you in the side.
ALEX
Noooo!
BEN
And then, the last one is sort of approaching Carter, and in the melee you’ve seen them try to stab and slice at people. You’re prepared for that. But this one instead spins, and you can’t quite say, but almost like a cloud of ink?
[JONNY GROANS]
BEN
It kind of expresses a cloud of pure darkness onto you.
JONNY
Argh!
ALEX
No, no, this is a good thing! They’ve been hurt and now they’re expressing themselves.
[BEN SNICKERS]
BEN
And I’d like a Fear save from you, please.
[DICE ROLLS]
JONNY
That is… not a success.
BEN
Okay.
JONNY
It’s not a critical, but it is pretty bad. 87 over 35.
BEN
Oof. This deals 1D10 Stress at you –
ALEX
Ooh-hoo-hoo!
BEN
– because I’m the Warden and I can do what I want.
[DICE ROLLS]
You take 7 Stress, as you are –
JONNY
Oh, my – oh, goodness.
BEN
And the reason this is so horrifying is that you are enveloped by absolute darkness. Just completely. Like, it blocks out sight and sound. It imbues you with a sense of utter solitude in a way that is almost indescribably terrifying.
JONNY
Right!
BEN
It is literally otherworldly.
And I think, with 7 Stress in one go, I want you to make a Panic check.
[DICE ROLLS]
JONNY
(announcing) I’ve Panicked!
[ALEX LAUGHS EVILLY]
BEN
Okay! Right, there we go. So, what does a teamster do when they panic?
JONNY
It just says one per session, a teamster may re-roll a roll on the Panic Effect Table. I think the idea is that a teamster’s actually comparatively controlled, cos they’re very practical.
BEN
Yes. Make me a roll of 2D10.
JONNY
That’s 17.
BEN
17. You are potentially afflicted by “Crippling Fear: Gain a new permanent phobia. When you encounter this phobia, make a Fear save at disadvantage, or gain 1D10 Stress.”
Oh yeah, that is an element of the game that I completely forgot about: advantage and disadvantage. It’s like DND 5th. You roll 2D100s and take the best or worst result.
There are two elements here that you can do. So first of all, you have – Resolve starts at 0, and I’m not giving you any, so that’s fine, we’re ignoring Resolve for now.
JONNY
I’m just straight-up:
CARTER
AAAAAAAAAAA!
JONNY
Like, full screams. Lotsa screams.
BEN
Cool. Your allies, looking over – this is not just a psychological effect. You can see Carter’s legs, in this cloud of pure darkness, flailing about.
CARTER
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!
[LYDIA MAKES A DISCOMFITED NOISE]
JONNY
I am now, obviously, scared of the dark.
ALEX
Aw, you don’t want to be scared of the dark in space!
LYDIA
Mm.
ALEX
Oh, no!
JONNY
No, Alex, you’re quite right, I don’t want to be scared of the dark in space.
[LYDIA SNICKERS]
BEN
The Panic effect wasn’t “pick your favourite phobia.”
[OUTBURST OF LAUGHTER]
ALEX
Sorry, that tickles me. “You have a new phobia.” “I’m afraid of whales!”
BEN
…With an H or without?
[BEAT]
[ANOTHER BURST OF LAUGHTER]
ALEX
They’re both a good answer!
JONNY
I’ve decided I’m now scared of the sea.
It’s a very common phobia! I don’t know what you’re all… you know.
BEN
It is, it is.
[ALEX IS STILL SNICKERING]
BEN
Thalassophobia. I mean… ooh.
LYDIA
You’re scared of the dark.
JONNY
I’m scared of the dark.
BEN
Yeah, I was going to go to a tangent. You’re scared of the dark, that’s fine. Not having a good time. However. What happens when you resolve the Panic effect?
After you add your current Stress – oh, add your current Stress! No, I’m wrong! Sorry! Cos of the way the game works. What is your current Stress?
JONNY
I believe it was 11.
BEN
And you rolled 17?
JONNY
Yes.
BEN
So it’s actually a 28.
[BEAT]
JONNY
Oh no.
BEN
Oh, no!
ALEX
Ya die!
BEN
(laughing) Okay…
No, but that – oh, wow. That escalates quickly, I did not expect – cos 30-plus is, you just have a heart attack and die.
ALEX
Oh my god.
[CROSSTALK]
BEN
So you’ve got – you’ve got 28.
JONNY
I’ve played a lot of Savage Worlds, and there’s a Fear Table on that, and yeah. Like, it’s surprisingly often that you’re just like, “Heart attack! You’re dead.”
[LYDIA SNICKERS]
ALEX
Oh my god!
BEN
But you actually got “Descent Into Madness.” You get two new phobias! Would you like to also be scared of the sea?
JONNY
Yeah, please!
[LAUGHTER]
BEN
Okay. And your Stress cannot be relieved below 5 now.
JONNY
Great. Grand.
ALEX
Feeling real glad I gave you a whole load of meds to deal with this!
JONNY
Don’t worry, I’m gonna be dosing up with stimpaks very shortly.
ALEX
The second we’re not in vacuum we’re going to be taking so many drugs. Oh, no.
BEN
I was gonna say, actually, yeah, that’s true. You don’t lose any Stress. You’re still at Stressed, it’s not a release valve, it just escalates until it goes wrong.
[ALEX CHUCKLES EVILLY]
JONNY
Yep!
BEN
So absolutely screaming the blue blazes. However, we’ve dealt with you, so let’s go back to Alabaster. What would Alabaster like to do?
ALEX
How many of these things are there?
BEN
There are four. One of them is severely hurt, and three of them seem fine.
ALEX
Are there any loose crates, or loose sides of crates, or anything that could be used as a makeshift shield? Cos I am not good at hurting things.
BEN
Yes. Would you like to, in fact, push a piece of debris at these things and hope they get squashed?
ALEX
What I was going to suggest is pushing some debris and then try and like, pull us along in its wake, if you see what I mean?
BEN
Ohhh! Yeah, okay.
ALEX
It’s less trying to smoosh ‘em and more just like, “Push you away without touching you, please! Go away.”
JONNY
“Shoo! Shoo! Go away!”
ALEX
“Personal space!”
BEN
In which case, yes. There is a reasonably-sized container that you reckon, in this low-gravity situation, you could push. So I would like a Body check from you to push it in the direction that you want.
ALEX
(sighs) Should have taken the drugs before I had to come in in here, but I was like, “No! Don’t do that, Alex! That’d be crazy!”
BEN
Sorry, not Body, Strength. Cos Body’s a save.
ALEX
That’s even worse! Okay.
[DICE ROLLS]
ALEX
Ough! No. Not even a little bit, no.
BEN
Is it just a flat failure?
ALEX
It’s just a flat failure, by like, 30.
BEN
Yeah, you push this thing –
[ALABASTER MAKES NOISES OF STRAIN]
BEN
And you do get it to go, but you heave so much it just goes off into a random direction and kind of floats away into the room.
[ALEX GROANS]
BEN
You do have another significant action available to you.
ALEX
I’m going to assume that we’re not going to win this fight. How far is it to get past these, if you see what I mean? Do I look closer to the opposite end, or do I look like a retreat is more likely?
BEN
No. So you are about 75 percent of the way across this large space. So it’s much easier – and like, they’re not creating a perimeter.
ALEX
Yeah, yeah.
BEN
It’s the – you’ve started to get into this area, and they popped up randomly.
ALEX
Does the airlock on the other side of them look smooshed in, or functional? First impressions.
BEN
First impressions, it looks okay.
ALEX
I am going to try and drag all three of us through them, because if we retreat we’re going to suffocate anyway. So I’m just gonna try and just mad-dash us through, because we are attached on a rope.
LYDIA
Mm!
BEN
Fine. Speed check, I think, cos I’ve got a feeling that Carter will not be putting up any reasonable resistance right now.
JONNY
No.
The thing is, I was going to make my action. Is there an escape pod? I want to run towards the escape pod. But now it’s very much like, I am stood here, screaming. Cos I’m both terrified of the actual dark, and imagining the sea.
BEN
(not comforting) Just imagine the sea.
[DICE ROLLS]
ALEX
I picked the right dice here. By which I mean, I don’t think I’ve rolled lower than an 80, almost, or gained 95 on my Speed check.
BEN
Okay. You start trying to run. And it is like moving through treacle. In fact, Carter has not disengaged one of his mag-boots, so you’re kind of –
[JONNY SNICKERS]
[ALABASTER MAKES MORE NOISES OF STRAIN]
BEN
You’re able to do it a little bit, but the mag-boot is scraping along.
ALABASTER
(wheezing) Help! Me!
BEN
And also… let’s say the rope for 0170701 is still slightly slack, but obviously the android will have to go with you as well. I’m not assuming either way, but yeah.
ALEX
An excellent, excellent turn. I love it.
BEN
Okay!
JONNY
Oh hang on, these are squids! So yeah, I am also scared of the ocean.
[LYDIA SNICKERS]
BEN
Oh yeah, that makes sense! Good shout. But it is actually now Carter’s turn. The horrifying ink cloud has dissipated slightly, so it’s still quite dark, but the effect of absolute, impossible nothingness has gone past.
JONNY
I’m gonna be waving my crowbar around wildly, just – anything that’s nearby, indiscriminate violence.
BEN
I think, given the context, that is the thing that inked in your face, so I think make a Combat check against that.
[DICE ROLLS]
JONNY
(surprised) That is 15 under! That’s a success.
BEN
Oh, excellent! Yep, and this is only 9 under, so also a success but less of a success. So yes, deal your crowbar damage.
JONNY
6.
BEN
Okay! This thing gets batted –
[SFX: A VERY HIGH-PITCHED, FAINT SCREAM]
BEN
And starts floating away.
JONNY
I’ve got another action, right?
BEN
Yes.
JONNY
And Alabaster’s just trying to drag me, right?
BEN
Mhm.
JONNY
I’m probably going to hit him as well.
BEN
Sure.
JONNY
Just cos… you know.
ALEX
(mock-bitterly) Jonny doesn’t like me. Never has.
LYDIA
Not waver like a critical failure or anything, just… bang.
JONNY
I mean, that’s one of the two things that is touching me has been dealt with.
LYDIA
No, makes sense! It makes absolute sense.
[DICE ROLLS]
JONNY
It’s a 21 over, so I failed quite badly. You should be fine, Alex.
BEN
But make an Armor check. Save. Sorry, not a check, a save.
[ALEX LAUGHS EVILLY]
JONNY
You should be fine!
ALEX
I am swapping to other dice. Just to prove…
[LYDIA SNICKERS]
ALEX
I rolled a 9!
BEN
Oh, wow.
LYDIA
Woo!
ALEX
So I’ve got my bad dice for when I want to fail, and I’ve got my good dice over here for when I want to succeed.
[BEN SIGHS DRAMATICALLY]
BEN
Confirmation bias is a hell of a drug.
[ALEX LAUGHS MORE EVILLY]
BEN
You successfully manage to dodge out of the way. It’s pretty obvious that this is not malicious intent from Carter, it’s, like…
JONNY
Blind panic.
BEN
Well, no! Sorry, I’ve said that on Carter’s behalf. Is it malicious, or is it just your plain old freak-out?
JONNY
Errrr… so, like, 80-20?
BEN
Okay.
JONNY
Carter doesn’t like Alabaster. He probably realises it’s Alabaster. He can fully stop the swing, but instead he just doesn’t quite… you know.
[LYDIA SNICKERS]
ALEX
The worst thing that would happen is there’s one slightly creepy person removed from the equation, I get it.
JONNY
Yeah.
BEN
So we are back around to 0170701, who’s acting before the enemies. To give you a reasonable lay of the land, the one that Carter has hit with a crowbar is careening off across the room and doesn’t appear to be making massive efforts to –
[JONNY MAKES FANFARE NOISES: BA-BA-BA-BA BA-BA!]
BEN
(laughs) Yeah. To stop itself from going.
The one that retaliated against you, or attempted, is now trying to sort of swim away, for lack of a better word. But the ones that were on Alabaster are still engaged and aggressive.
LYDIA
Can I disengage Carter’s mag-boot? Is there an obvious button to press?
I could run them out of here.
BEN
Oh, I see! Well actually, at this point, I think Carter’s mag-boots aren’t engaged because of the movement towards Alabaster and, like, the frenzied attempt to bonk –
JONNY
Yeah.
ALEX
(dramatic) To kill me!
LYDIA
Well, then, yes. I am gonna try and run, pulling the rope to quote-unquote “safety”?
[SNICKERING]
LYDIA
Being security, I have assessed the situation and it is not going well.
BEN
So are you almost, like, picking Carter up bodily?
LYDIA
Yeah! Let’s do that, let’s grab him. It’s low-gravity, right?
BEN
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
LYDIA
Yeah. I’m going to grab him by the legs, so he tips backwards and is pulled forward. So his head then comes out of the absolute darkness, is the hope.
JONNY
I knew it.
BEN
Sure.
JONNY
I knew the government had sent this robot to betray us.
BEN
That’s it.
LYDIA
I’m being a hero!
JONNY
(doubtful) Mmm…
LYDIA
I’m just logically assessing the situation and doing the thing that requires the fewest moves.
BEN
So make me a Strength check, but in the spirit of engaging with the systems and good justification with the low gravity, roll with advantage. So that means, roll the D100 twice and choose the best.
LYDIA
Ooooh!
JONNY
Hooray!
[DICE ROLLS]
LYDIA
But is this – that’s a 75, that’s not good. It does not go well.
BEN
Okay. So yeah, you’re all kind of next to each other. 0170701 has attempted to pick up Carter and is not able to.
JONNY
I’m a heavy lad!
BEN
So you’re all clumped together in a bit of a grapply melee, to be honest. It’s a bit of a mess.
LYDIA
Really hope that gives disadvantage to anyone trying to attack us.
JONNY
I… think probably the other thing.
[BEN SNICKERS, LYDIA MAKES DESPAIRING NOISES]
BEN
Although, that was one move. You have another significant action, so if you want to, you could fire SMG at another squid.
LYDIA
I will do that. I will fire me gun.
BEN
Okay!
LYDIA
It’s what I’m here for.
ALEX
You sure you don’t want to finish what Jonny started, kill my character before we even encounter anything else?
[BEN SNORTS]
LYDIA
No, but I will shoot the squid that’s nearest your head, with the expectation that if I fail critically it may shoot your head.
ALEX
(resigned) Understood, yeah.
LYDIA
You know, it’s cinematic.
JONNY
Isn’t it fun to deniably try and kill Alex.
ALEX
Comes surprisingly often!
[DICE ROLLS]
LYDIA
Aw, I didn’t. Unfortunately, I rolled a 16, so I succeed.
BEN
By?
LYDIA
28.
BEN
Oh, wow. I succeeded by 19. Not by 28, though. So yes, roll 4D10, and shoot one of these squids which is threatening the group.
LYDIA
Cool.
[DICE ROLLS]
LYDIA
Total 29!
BEN
It pops.
LYDIA
Woo!
BEN
You splatter it, and then it just sadly and wetly bursts –
[SFX: SEVERAL RAPID-FIRE SHOOTING NOISES, THEN A WET POP]
– as its, obviously its integrity has been damaged to the point where it can’t hold itself together anymore.
LYDIA
The horror.
BEN
The remaining squid thing that isn’t running away or hasn’t burst is going to attempt to slash at 0170701, as the greatest threat in the area.
LYDIA
That makes sense.
[DICE ROLLS]
BEN
And… whiffs it horrifically – fail by 45.
LYDIA
I rolled a 1!
BEN
Oh!
LYDIA
So, under my Armor, I’ve succeeded by 34.
Do I succeed so much that I end up, like, I reflect the damage back at it?
[ALEX LAUGHS]
ALEX
You and I are playing such radically different games right now!
LYDIA
I’m competent until I get killed, I think, is how this character in an action-horror plays out, right? Like, (makes shooting noises) Pew! Pew! Pew, pew! And then something happens that means I have to stay behind.
ALEX
Yeahhh.
JONNY
I was doing fine! Until suddenly, I was doing the exact opposite of doing fine.
LYDIA
The darkness of emptiness of being.
[BEN LAUGHS]
BEN
But no, this thing is not having a good ol’ time. It bounces off of you. And we move on to Alabaster’s go.
ALEX
How many are left?
BEN
Er, one. Two are running away, one’s been burst.
ALEX
How big are they? I don’t really have a sense of scale here.
BEN
Oh, yes, sorry. They’re about the size of a fist. They’re not massive.
JONNY
Yeah, they’re tiny and they’re adorable!
ALEX
Are there any buckets around the place, or something that looks like I could do a cheeky scoop and, like – you know the way you capture a spider under a cup?
JONNY
(snickering) “Cheeky scoop.”
BEN
Yeah, yeah, yeah!
ALEX
A cheeky low-gravity scoop, using a big ol’ bucket for what is ostensibly to me a big spider.
LYDIA
Are there any helmets hanging around on the walls?
BEN
Not in here, actually, cos it’s the warehouse area, so it’s not for personnel.
LYDIA
Just wanted to set it up to be – a helmet be put on someone’s head for later, you know?
BEN
Ohh, let’s yes-and it, then!
Yes, there is a consignment of helmets, which has burst open of a shipping container. So it’s just a bunch of random helmets. So that is the bucket, in fact, that you find.
[LYDIA SNICKERS]
ALEX
Can I helmet the problem, then? Can I attempt to helmet the problem?
BEN
Yes. I think that’s a Speed check, given you’re trying to agilely scoop it into the aperture and… get rid of it.
ALEX
I love that I keep leaning so hard on my absolute worst skill by an enormous margin.
[DICE ROLLS]
Ohhhh! Crit fail.
BEN
Excellent.
JONNY
He said, with a weird joy.
ALEX
I like crits. Good crits and bad crits, I like crits. And by the way, by a crit fail, my Speed’s 17 and I rolled an 88. So it’s a really quite horrendous crit fail.
BEN
Ah. I know what you do. Okay, so you scoop, and it goes in. You get it in and you’re like, “Yes!”
ALABASTER
Yes!
BEN
But then because of the weird gravity, you kind of over-commit to the swing, and end up effectively just throwing it into your own face?
ALABASTER
Agh!
[ALEX MIMICS A SPLATTERING NOISE]
ALABASTER
Agh!
JONNY
It’s exactly that: “I am a genius. (beat) Oh, no!”
[LAUGHTER]
BEN
Yeah, yeah.
LYDIA
Oh my gosh. You got daggers in your face.
BEN
Well. No. Worse. Obviously as some sort of fear response, it does the ink at you.
[SFX: MORE SPLATTERING NOISES]
ALEX
(laughing) Save us from our problems, Lyd.
[LYDIA SNICKERS]
BEN
But it’s like, in your eyes? Cos I don’t want to utterly misery Jonny and probably give his character a heart attack immediately by doing that again.
We’ll have some consequences, not some “just death” right now. So yeah, it’s like a channel of darkness which is sprayed into your own face.
ALEX
It’s fine! It’s really easy, right. I scoop with the helmet, over-gauge it, and I do manage to pin it, to my faceplate.
BEN
Er –
ALEX
Bear with me. And then you can Panic me all you want and I can let go and it’s back out! Job done!
[JONNY SNICKERS]
BEN
Sure, yes. This is working in an instant, but you gain yourself… oh no, make me a Fear save.
ALEX
(quietly, petulantly) I don’t want to.
[LYDIA SNORTS]
[DICE ROLLS]
[ALEX GROANS]
ALEX
Aw… failed by about 40.
JONNY
The way you said that, it sounded like you’d only just failed.
[BEN SNICKERS]
ALEX
I missed me numbers, so I got me numbers backwards. I thought I got a 7, but I didn’t, I got a 70.
BEN
Nice. You gain yourself a cool 7 Stress.
[ALEX LAUGHS IN PAIN]
BEN
And make me a Panic check, as you are also consumed by just the unending terror of the void.
[SOME MORE PAINED CHUCKLES FROM ALEX]
ALEX
Okay…
[DICE ROLLS]
ALEX
Oooh! I rolled 14, with 12 Stress.
BEN
You go down to 11 Stress then, because you’ve specifically passed that Panic check.
And yeah, there is a moment of – you get that thing where it feels like all your internal organs are trying to force themsleves out of your mouth, and you manage to fight that feeling back down and just… Cos you do the thing of, Carter didn’t have a moment, but you just wait an actual second and the effect fades lightly. It’s now just very dark.
ALEX
Well, if nothing else, the fascination of a new and unexplored lifeform does help counteract things just a little bit.
BEN
Yeah, sure, if that’s how you want to deal with it.
ALEX
(laughing) Oh, I can post-rationalise anything you throw me. Don’t worry about that.
BEN
Hey, Carter! It’s your go.
JONNY
I’d like to take some drugs and run for an escape pod.
BEN
Perfect! Yeah, sure thing.
JONNY
I’m in a vaccsuit, so I will probably be stabbing the needle through the vaccsuit.
BEN
Yep, fine.
ALEX
I gave you two automeds, two pain pills, and two stimpaks.
JONNY
I’m gonna be sticking me with a stimpak.
[SFX: SUDDEN NEEDLE STAB, A BURST OF AIR FROM THE VACCSUIT]
Are there escape pods, Ben?
BEN
Actually, I would like an Intellect: Engineering check, actually, from you. Or Mechanical Repair?
JONNY
Okay, cool. If it’s Engineering, I get plus 15, if it’s Mechanical Repair I get plus 10.
BEN
Let’s say Engineering. Basically, you’ve seen enough of the Hilltop to try and guess at the pattern of this ship. Cos you don’t have escape pods on your freighter, but the Hilltop might.
[DICE ROLLS]
JONNY
Ohhhh, okay – well, 39 and a 40, so I succeed by 1.
BEN
Excellent. Yes, you are pretty sure that this is a (inaudible; “theta”?) pattern, which do include escape pods in the rec area, which is just behind the cockpit. Which means you’re heading towards – like, your engines are assumedly its cockpit. So if there are escape pods, they’ll be that way.
JONNY
Brilliant! Well, I’m drugged up and ready to sprint.
BEN
Cool. What does the stimpak do?
LYDIA
Ooh, I’ve got it open, in fact.
BEN
Oh, perfect. What does a stimpak do?
LYDIA
It grants an immediate 2D10 to Health and temporarily increases Strength and Combat by 2D10 each for 1D10 hours.
BEN
Okay!
ALEX
And I apologize, by the way, 0170701, because I assumed these things don’t work on androids, but I could be wrong.
LYDIA
I think they do, cos I’ve got a pack of six. It doesn’t say it doesn’t work on androids.
BEN
If it doesn’t say it doesn’t work, then it’s all good.
ALEX
Oh! Great.
BEN
Roll me 2D10, Jonny.
[DICE ROLLS]
JONNY
Yes, that was an 11.
BEN
Good, so get plus 11 to your Strength and Combat.
JONNY
Yeahhh!
BEN
D10 hours is irrelevant by the time scale of this adventure.
LYDIA
(snorts) We will be dead by then.
BEN
(laughing, quietly:) Yeah.
Okay, cool. In that case, make me a Strength check to just book it. And effectively in your panic, you’re attempting to just take the people with you, because you’re tied to them.
ALEX
I was gonna say, I love the idea of us just flailing like a comet tail behind!
LYDIA
He’s not trying to help, but we are tied to him.
[ALEX CACKLES]
JONNY
That is 30 under 61.
BEN
You just go. And to a certain extent, I don’t actually know how much the others are resisting?
ALEX
(laughing) I don’t think I can!
BEN
Resistance is futile.
LYDIA
I’m not going to, but I would like to be shooting as I go. I wanna get to my turn and we’re still moving.
BEN
Sure. You pull everyone and yourself just straight through, like through this mould. You’re kicking up clouds of it. Unfortunately, the things which were the fronds have already revealed themselves to be upsetting and you’ve been dealing with them.
So you’re just kicking your way through. You kick something soft –
[SFX: SOFT, BOUNCING-OFF KICK]
JONNY
Eugh.
BEN
– which you’re just not paying any attention to…
JONNY
Yeah, don’t care. Don’t care.
BEN
You just go straight through it. And you end up at the airlock, which you’re now – airlock door, which you’re now heaving at in a panic.
That is your turn, which means that Alabaster’s gone, Carter’s gone… it is now 0170701’s go. The only remaining enemy is stuck to Alabaster’s helmet.
ALEX
Shoot it! Shoot it with ya gun!
LYDIA
I… will… Wait, is it in his helmet that’s attached to you? Could I grab it and throw it?
ALEX
So, I’m pinning it to my head cos better pinned to my head then floating free. That’s the situation. It’s pinned to my face.
BEN
So you can kind of see this thing scrabbling around inside through the helmet visor.
ALEX
I’m banking on my helmet and the helmet doing something.
LYDIA
Well, I think that’s foolish, so I’m going to grab the helmet and throw the thing back into… as we move past. So it’s back in the… what was it, life support? No, it was the cargo…
BEN
Yeah, you’re in the warehouse area.
LYDIA
The warehouse area.
BEN
The cargo area. Is Alabaster resisting this, if you feel 0170701 trying to pull the helmet away from you?
ALEX
Nah, probably not.
BEN
Okay, fine, yep. So just make me a Body check, Lyd, to just chuck it.
LYDIA
Cool. Would Military Training or Athletics add to that…?
BEN
I’d say Athletics does.
LYDIA
I’ve just remembered I have skills.
[SNICKERING]
LYDIA
Might as well use them… trying for competence…
[DICE ROLLS]
Ooh! I rolled a 9. You wanted Strength, right?
BEN
Yes. If you rolled a 9, it’s a big pass, I think, regardless of your number.
You grab this thing. You keep it in a scooping pattern, and you basically do what Alabaster was trying to do initially and just throw the helmet as hard as you can, with the thing still inside it, now just away from you.
LYDIA
If we are being pulled along by Carter, can I use my second action to throw a frag grenade into that space, as we are pulled out?
BEN
Of course you can.
LYDIA
Grand. I would like to do that.
BEN
Sure!
LYDIA
I don’t know how I do that.
BEN
So that is a Combat check, Lyd.
[DICE ROLLS]
LYDIA
Ooh, okay, 28, and that is under my 44. Yes.
Oh my gosh, the competence! It is so worrying, because it suggests things are going bad.
JONNY
How are you this competent without drugs?
[OUTBURST OF LAUGHTER]
LYDIA
I’m doing the things I am trained for.
ALEX
Don’t do that!
LYDIA
And equipped to do.
BEN
What is your specific intent with this frag grenade?
LYDIA
I want to blow up the scary things! I do not want them to follow us. So as we go out the airlock, I would like – or we are a distance away. I think a frag grenade has… I cannot remember the radius, but I looked it up and it has a radius.
BEN
Yeah, it does. It’s fine.
LYDIA
I want them to be pulp! I do not want to have the enemy behind me. I have military training, I’ll have you know.
BEN
So the one that got crowbarred has just disappeared into the distance, into the darkness, even. But you can see the helmet and the one you shot initially are kind of close-ish. You aim your grenade, throw it expertly, and it detonates just between the both of them and they’re both consumed by –
[SFX: EXPLOSION]
– well, not a fireball, but a cloud of shrapnel, effectively.
LYDIA
(evilly) Yeeeees.
BEN
And you can see, like, the helmet is shredded and the one that was not in the helmet is, it just disintegrates. It was a very good throw, and effectively done.
LYDIA
Turn around and I say…
0170701
Acceptable.
[SNICKERING]
BEN
I’m going to say we’re out of combat now. The situation is: grenade’s just been thrown, Alabaster’s kind of back to being okay – doesn’t have darkness stuck on his face.
ALEX
I mean, I have a torn suit, presumably, cos I got spiked.
BEN
Yeees, but we’re not in a hard vacuum, so you’re okay for now. And Carter is scrabbling at this door, trying to get the damn thing open.
CARTER
Open open open open open. It’s gonna get open, it’s gonna open and we will leave.
BEN
You slam the button. It doesn’t work – it starts to open and then you just start kicking at the small gap and just force this door open.
Inside you can see a more familiar hydroponics area that you know, that is, again, absolutely destroyed, but there are enough plants that it seems intact. Not that this is your concern anymore.
And then, up and to the right, at a really, really unhelpful angle, you can see a hatch with “escape pod” written on it. It looks like this thing hasn’t fired, and you are in luck. There is an escape pod on the Hilltop.
LYDIA
I will assist you.
JONNY
Just trying to wrench it open, not really… Engineering and Procedural Training largely forgotten in favor of Fear and Drug-Fueled Panic!
BEN
Fair enough! Given we’re out of combat. Are you all working together to get yourself into that escape pod?
ALEX
I’m… not.
LYDIA
Ooh!
JONNY
Oh my god, Alex!
ALEX
Well, you two have it covered.
LYDIA
You were an agent of badness all along!
ALEX
I am going to… be – did you say we’re in our hydroponics, yeah?
BEN
Yes.
ALEX
I’d like to be using my med-scanner and my cybernetic diagnostics scanner to basically find out if we’re all infected with something and shouldn’t be allowed to escape.
BEN
Okay! Make me an Intellect check while you’re doing that. I imagine you’re trying to be reasonably subtle about this?
ALEX
I don’t think I need to be too subtle with Carter. I am being subtle around – (laughing) Captain Competent over here.
BEN
Make that roll, keep it in the background for now.
LYDIA
Only competent at shoot.
ALEX
That’s the bit that scares me!
[DICE ROLLS]
BEN
Is 0170701 assisting Carter in getting to the escape pod?
LYDIA
Yes. My job is to make sure that the biologics escape.
ALEX
I am hot garbage! I am just incompetent. I fail by like, 20.
BEN
Inconclusive. Without a lab and some proper time, you’re just going to be unable to do this. Because any infection will be very subtle, you can’t just widdly-weep them and it’ll be like, “Bad! There’s badness!”
ALEX
Yeah, okay.
JONNY
Sorry, you can’t just what?
[ALEX LAUGHS]
BEN
Widdly-weep!
ALEX
(monotonous beeping) Widdly-weep! Widdly-weep!
BEN
Sorry, it’s a reference to like, the Star Trek widdly-weep machine that Spock has, which is just like, it does everything. It just – he just widdly-weeps it and it’s like, “Oh!”
JONNY
Ohhhh.
ALEX
Your tricorder. Your widdly-weep.
BEN
Yes.
0170701 is assisting Carter in getting to the escape pod, yeah?
LYDIA
Mhm.
BEN
Great! With Zero’s help, you are able to clamber into the escape pod. As you open it, you take an additional 2 Stress… as a corpse falls out of it.
CARTER
Agh!
LYDIA
Oh dear.
JONNY
I’m going to stamp on it a few times.
[SFX: STAMPING NOISES]
BEN
Sure. You drop down and land on this thing, to try and make sure that it’s proper dead.
ALEX
Aw, stamping with mag-boots, that’s got to be bad.
BEN
Yeah, and this thing is in the same situation as you found the one in your crew quarters. So it splatters –
[SFX: WET STAMPING NOISE]
And I think that is going to be cause for a couple of Stress for both Alabaster and 0170701. And a Panic check from everybody.
[DICE ROLLS]
JONNY
Ha ha! Haaa. 17. I’ve done it. I’ve done it!
BEN
(laughing) You’ve done it.
JONNY
I’ve done it!
ALEX
18! Did it.
LYDIA
19.
ALEX
We’re! So! Good at weird things!
BEN
Incredible.
LYDIA
I’m really sorry, Ben, it turns out we are fine.
JONNY
Well the thing is, this is neither “squid” nor “dark.” So I don’t care.
BEN
That is true.
LYDIA
No one’s calling me a biohazard, so I do not feel personally attacked.
ALEX
And none of this scenario has involved me giving a lecture wearing only my underpants, so I’m in the clear as well.
[SNICKERING]
BEN
There you go. Now remember, everybody reduce your Stress by 1 for successfully passing a Panic check.
And yeah, this corpse has been turned into a paste, effectively. It was very, very decomposed. But it looks like somebody tried to escape, and unfortunately died before they were able to hit the go button, effectively.
Looking up into the escape hatch, it looks intact! It looks fine. It doesn’t look like it’s been compromised.
JONNY
And I go.
BEN
Yep, you’re clambering up again.
0170701
Mr Carter, you should allow me to assess the situation to determine what killed the former biologic.
CARTER
Get in here, get in here, get in here, get in here. We’re leaving.
0170701
Doctor Artichoke?
ALEX
Is there enough space for more than one person, for a start?
BEN
This is a crew-based thing. Like, this is big enough. It’s effectively a lifeboat, right.
ALABASTER
(groans) This is a terrible plan!
ALEX
Alabaster goes inside.
BEN
Sure.
ALABASTER
It’s clearly infected and we’re going down onto the planet with no – argh!
[ALABASTER LETS OUT A VERY DISTRESSED WHINE]
ALEX
That’s my character contribution.
BEN
Okay! So you reluctantly clamber in.
ALEX
I don’t have a better suggestion.
LYDIA
I suppose, if there’s room and I’m not going to be a drain on resources, 0170701 will also climb in and lock the door behind them.
BEN
Great! You lock the door. You hit the escape button. Obviously this thing kind of programs itself, and yes, it fires out of the ship and starts its descent towards the undesignated planet.
The way these things work is, it’s got an oxygenator on it and enough food to last you for a little while. And it will send out a beacon, where a corporate reclamation team will turn up to try and get you and its assets out.
ALEX
I mean, if it’s profitable.
LYDIA
Supposedly.
BEN
Yes, assuming it’s profitable.
And yeah, as you look back towards the ship, you can see the both of them sort of overlaid on each other. They were roughly the same size, with the Hilltop being a slightly bigger class than yours…
But its cockpit is entirely smothered with this massive growth of, sort of black mould, effectively. Very lucky you didn’t try and find navigation or anything like that, cos assumedly it would’ve been a bad idea.
ALABASTER
That… is a very bad munge.
LYDIA
(laughing) I feel so bad for Ben trying to grit his horror setup! Ahhhh!
ALEX
He introduced the word; all I did is explain that it’s a Multiverse Unification Non-causal Generic Event!
LYDIA
All you’ve done is moved it in-universe, yes.
BEN
Yes. Yes. With an absolutely torturous backronym, which I respect.
[ALEX CHUCKLES EVILLY]
LYDIA
Yeah. Yeah, yeah.
BEN
So that is the situation you’re in! Your ships are gone, you have no idea about this undesignated planet – it’s undesignated because there is no information on it. And all you can do is hope that the beacon will bring a reclamation team before you starve.
JONNY
Is this gonna be the, like, between Aliens and Alien 3 where you just kill two of us in the crash, before the next adventure? Just be like –
BEN
Yes.
JONNY
“Oh, in case you were wondering, Carter and Zero just died in the crash.”
ALEX
No, you’re kidding me! Me, the fleshy meat sacks? We just get bounced around and then the android walks out.
BEN
I was also going to say unfortunately, I think Carter has to die, because we can’t have two Pete Postlethwaites in that film.
JONNY
Ahhh, yeah.
ALEX
I do need to ask one question, though: Is Carter covered in living stuff, or just generic gunk?
Just cos that lets me know the scale of just how awful this descent’s gonna be.
BEN
Oh, on his boots?
ALEX
Yeah.
BEN
His boots are entirely coated with this kind of black mould. In fact, all of your legs are, from wading through that drift.
ALEX
(laughing hysterically) Oh, we’re gonna die! We’re gonna die.
JONNY
He is still, like, many hours of combat drugs away from a comedown.
ALEX
He’s a combat-enhanced, infected, and panicked beefcake engineer! In a tight space! Oh, god.
JONNY
It’s fine. That is outside the realm of the adventure. We’ve succeeded, Alex. We have survived the adventure. It’s a happy ending.
BEN
Yep!
LYDIA
Happily ever after, I’d say!
ALEX
You’re the bad guy in the next film, Jonny!
JONNY
It’s a happy ending.
BEN
Well done! You have got pretty much the best outcome that I would have allowed! So, you know, congratulations, everybody. Good job.
[LAUGHTER]
ALEX
Ohhhh, god.
LYDIA
(simultaneously) Woo!
ALEX
Ohhh, this is so bad! (cackles)
LYDIA
In many ways, it’s more grim.
[BEN SNICKERS]
JONNY
So what was the deal with the fungus and the munging? The mungus.
BEN
I just basically nicked Event Horizon and made it mouldy. Like, the Hilltop somehow slipped into –
JONNY
Oh, Mould-Hell?
BEN
Yeah, it slipped into Mould-Hell. Yeah, it basically – it’s Event Horizon by way of Resident Evil 7.
[JONNY LAUGHS]
ALEX
Weirdly enough, that gels quite nicely.
LYDIA
Yeah, yeah yeah.
BEN
Yeah.
It was just the thing of like, “Unexplained event, some broad horrors”… I was gonna hit you with a zombified crew member.
JONNY
Adorable little squids!
LYDIA
That we took too long sorting ourselves out.
BEN
Well, I was going to hit you with a squid Ratatouille?
JONNY
Ahhhh. That would’ve been fun.
BEN
If you’d dealt with it, like, it would’ve been sat on its head –
JONNY
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
BEN
Glomblin’ about.
LYDIA
Awww. Like Limbo!
BEN
Time makes fools of us all.
ALEX
So as we descend to a planet, then, literally sealed into a can of whoop-ass…
BEN
(laughs) Yeah.
JONNY
Hold on. So the planet’s actually fine. It’s nothing to do with the planet.
BEN
The planet is literally just another thing. Potentially a place for a second adventure. Who knows!
ALEX
You’re the point of infection, Jonny. You are the problem!
LYDIA
Running through the caves, away from the drugged-up infection vector.
BEN
Yeah.
JONNY
It’s. All. Fine. The adventure is over.
LYDIA
(as 0170701) I will keep you alive, Doctor Artichoke, whether you like it… (ominously) or not.
[ALEX STARTS CACKLING]
BEN
Oooooh.
ALEX
(delighted) That’s a great, in horror, fighting line!
BEN
I think on that note, we’re going to have to just probably finish.
ALEX
Oh, thank you so much for that, Ben. And what a line! God.
JONNY
That was a lot of fun, mate, thank you.
LYDIA
Yes. Spooky!
BEN
Yeah, solid system as well. Cannot remind it enough. Oh, just to remind everybody: This is Mothership RPG, by Tuesday Knight – that’s with a K – Tuesday Knight Games.
Yeah, it’s good stuff. It’s pay-what-you-want on Drive Thru RPG, and then you can buy additional modules for a fixed price. I haven’t looked at them, but given the quality of the base books, they’re probably a lot of fun.
LYDIA
This is cool, like, yeah. I want to play this again.
BEN
Anyway! We’ll catch you all later. Goodbye.
ALEX
Bye, all!
LYDIA
Bye!
JONNY
Byeeeee!
[THE MAGNUS THEME FADES IN]
ALEX
This episode is distributed by Rusty Quill and licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution Non-Commercial ShareAlike 4.0 International License. For more information, visit rustyquill.com, tweet us @therustyquill, visit us on Facebook, or email us at mail@rustyquill.com. Thanks for listening.