Transcriber’s Note: All swears are bleeped out. That said, they are generally very clear anyway, so I have indicated censored swears in brackets.
[THE MAGNUS THEME FADES OUT]
[CLICK]
ALEX
(humming) Doo-boo-do-do do-do-do-do – do-do… (quietly) Ow.
(exhales) It has been a loooong day, editor. A long, Magnus-filled day. Which is not a good thing. Mostly it’s been sad down the microphone while Jonny gets to be scary down the microphone.
Just once I want to be scary, I want to be like, “Rahhh! I’m gonna get ya!” But no, it’s – sad Martin, sad Martin time.
[CLICK]
[CLICK]
ALEX
(snorts) Made me just realize what’s on the desk. (robotic monotone) Bee-boop bee-boop. I am Alex. (whirring noises) I am here to: READ. (whirr, whirr)
Can you spot the guy that’s been recording way too much. (laughs) Okay. Well, well – let’s try this again. Alright.
[CLEARS THROAT]
(warming up) Martin Martin Martin. Oh no, sorry – Also-Martin. Right. Softer, close to mic. (softly) Here we go.
[CLICK]
[CLICK]
ALEX
Whoof. Okay. (clicks fingers) So that is all of the Martin-only takes.
People are going to hate me by the end of this editing, like, “Alex, stop! This is like four hours of audio!” And I’m going to be like, “Yee-up.” And they’re going to be like, “WHY are you doing this, Alex?!” And I’m going to be like, “Cos Jonny hates you. And hates me, and made us do this.”
[CLICK]
[CLICK]
HELEN
Sorry, I just – when my brain says, “You’re acting now,” I’m like, “Ah! I’m on a stage!”
[LAUGHTER]
LOWRI
“To the gods!”
[CLICK]
[CLICK]
ALEX
Can we go with, er, Take 4 subbing in from Take 3, erm… eh, screw it, either Take 3 or Take 4, but please make sure to use the funnest bits from Take 4.
[SNICKERING]
LYDIA
Make us sound cool!
SASHA
Add some powers.
LYDIA
Yeeeah!
ALEX
Yeah, basically, in which case, then, we can all stop recording, I think we’re good there.
ALL
Okay!
[CLICK]
[CLICK]
ALEX
Three, two, one.
[EVERYONE CLAPS]
I never noticed, but you clap with the force of a thousand suns!
HELEN
I do. I do.
[ALEX MAKES EXPLODING NOISES]
[HELEN SNICKERS]
HELEN
That’s how one claps.
[CLICK]
[CLICK]
LYDIA
Please use “I want my cat back” from the pickup. And Alex has confirmed that you use the sauciest “Unoccupied.”
[GROUP LAUGHTER]
Okay – okay, no he hasn’t. He’s unsure whether to go saucy or not. But, like, he’s right. I probably shouldn’t have made it so saucy.
– I just can’t – (mock-tortured) It’s my raw sexual energy, Alex!
[SNICKERING]
[CLICK]
[CLICK]
[ALEX CLEARS HIS THROAT MULTIPLE TIMES, WHACKS HIS CHEST]
JONNY
You alright?
ALEX
Yeah, my vocal fry’s real bad today.
JONNY
Mm. I mean, from here on in, I think, Martin’s allowed to have as much vocal fry as he needs.
ALEX
From this point it’s okay, the issue is that the previous recording was comparatively clean, as I remember.
[JONNY MAKES COMMISERATING NOISES]
ALEX
So I need to – I need to transition into Haggard Alex.
JONNY
(really high-pitched) “Oh look! It’s Elias!” (much deeper whisper) “What do we do about him?”
ALEX
Yeah, little bit.
My voice is broken, Jonny. We started this so long ago, and I’ve gone through all these changes and there’s this hair everywhere, Jonny – (exaggeratedly teary) I can’t play Martin anymore, I don’t know what’s going on! Heaaaargh!
JONNY
Well, I mean, it had to happen eventually, didn’t it.
[CLICK]
[CLICK]
JONNY
A Bouchard body.
ALEX
It’s a Bouchard Bod.
JONNY
A Bouchard Bod. The Bou-Bou. (pause) The Bou-Bod.
ALEX
The Bou-Bod.
JONNY
The Bou-Bod.
ALEX
Bou-bonic plague.
[CLICK]
[CLICK]
ALEX
Yeah, there we go.
JONNY
Grand.
ALEX
(typing something out) Okay…
JONNY
(singsong) Thank-you-editor.
ALEX
(laughs, starts singing too) Thank-you-editor, thank-you-editor.
ALEX & JONNY
(harmonising) Thank-you-editor, thank-you-editor, this take has a da-da-da…
ALEX
Okay.
[CLICK]
[CLICK]
ALEX
Right, let’s… One thing, Chioma, is when doing the sounds marker, just because we’ve come to be aware of something with the equipment. If you can, please click – (clicks his fingers) – rather than clap. If you can’t click, just make it a sort of light golf clap. (claps) I can’t remember – I can’t remember if we knew that the last time, that you were recording.
CHIOMA
No worries, I can click away. (clicks her fingers over her words) I – I’m quite proud of my clicking, so.
[SOME MORE RHYTHMIC CLICKING]
ALEX
Excellent. In that case, then – (pause) I just – Everyone [fucking] loves clicking! It’s just the universal truth, that if you can click, everyone’s like, (admiring) “Yeahhhh.”
CHIOMA
I love it, yeah. I can click! (clicks) I feel so offended on people who can’t.
JONNY
I heard some behind-the-scenes audio of the Rusty Quill Gaming crew roasting me for clicking too dramatically.
[CHIOMA BURSTS INTO LAUGHTER]
CHIOMA
(clapping lightly on each word) How does one click dramatically?
ALEX
Allow me to do an impression of Jonny clicking. This is important. Right.
Normal human click: (click)
Jonny click: (extended pause…) (click)
[OUTBURST OF CACKLING FROM OTHERS]
JONNY
It’s –
ALEX
He clicks like a magician, just before the curtains have PULLED ASIDE and the assistant has disappeared.
JONNY
It’s –
CHIOMA
That’s so (inaudible)
ALEX
Every time, I love it.
JONNY
I click like a normal human man.
[CHIOMA STILL DYING OF LAUGHTER]
ALEX
I think it’s a Mechanisms click, honestly. It’s the… (extended pause…) (click)
JONNY
Normal human man click.
[(TAPE) CLICK]
[CLICK]
ALEX
Three, two, one.
[EVERYONE CLICKS THEIR FINGERS]
ALEX
(jokingly) Sorry, Jonny, that was a bit of a rubbish click, can we, uh –
[JONNY GROANS EXAGGERATEDLY]
[SNICKERING FROM EVERYONE ELSE]
FRANK
Just realized that since this is being recorded, everyone’s gonna see how I lick my fingers for every silence marker because my hands are dry.
SASHA
Well, they weren’t gonna until you said that there.
ALEX
Oh, god, could you imagine. Everyone else clicks. For Zim it’s the actual lick itself that’s, that’s the marker. Eurgh.
JONNY
Getting you a case of E45 cream, just for the pads of your fingers.
[CLICK]
[CLICK]
[EXTENDED SILENCE]
[SUDDEN LAUGHTER]
JONNY
That was a very funny joke, editor, that was a very funny joke from Lowri… (exaggerated remorse) that you will never know.
FRANK
Lowri made a great joke, it was a callback to something that I’ve said that you also didn’t hear. So, uh… (laughing) I’m sorry.
[CLICK]
[CLICK]
[NOISES OF METAL TWISTING, MAYBE CLOSING A WATERBOTTLE CAP?]
ALEX
Okay, fine, you know what I’m gonna do? I’m going to use the magic sauce.
I’m going to stand the [fuck] up.
[EVERYONE GASPS DRAMATICALLY. SOMEONE SAYS “WHAT?!”]
[A PAUSE AS ALEX PRESUMABLY STANDS UP]
ALEX
Oh hey, lower back, I remember you! (laughing) I’ve not – I’ve not used you in more than a year. How’re you doing.
LYDIA
You know what, I’ve literally had several messages, while we’ve been recording, about – my partner got a standing desk and a wobble board.
[SOMEONE OOHS]
ALEX
A wobble board! What a [fucking] champ!
LYDIA
And says that it is a full-body workout, that like, you spend the next day, like – you have to build up slowly, cos if you overdo it then the next day is like, “Oh! That’s one of the small muscles that I forgot I had!”
LOWRI
I’m intimidated just by the thought.
ALEX
Yeah, wobble board’s next on my, er, next on my list. (laughs villainously) And then I’ll be that [dickhead] who also sits on an exercise board and there’ll be no going back.
FRANK
Oh, my god.
LYDIA
A wobble board, on an exercise board.
FRANK
Oh, I hate this man.
JONNY
Just that thing where you’re like, a bit bored in a tabletop session and you’re just building towers of dice, except with Alex –
[OUTBURST OF LAUGHTER]
– and various exercise equipment.
LYDIA
I was so proud of, like, investing in a desk that has shelves that come out and then finding a second screen that fit in the little thing?
ALEX
(admiringly) Nice.
JONNY
You’re tethered to the sitting world.
LYDIA
That’s it. That’s it, Jonny. I’m tethered to this.
JONNY
(dramatically) That second screen a nail through your feet.
[OUTBURST OF CACKLING]
– No, a nail through your ass, into the chair.
LYDIA
Yeah, yeah. Oof! Yeah.
[CLICK]
[CLICK]
ALEX
Like-kee-live, everyone!
FRANK
Thanks for adding the direction, “Super awkward.”
[LAUGHTER]
ALEX
Needs more. Needs more awkward.
JONNY
Okay, the cat is – howling outside the door, so give me a second.
[A DOOR ROLLS OPEN]
[THE OTHER ACTORS START SINGING PLEASANTLY]
JONNY
(distantly, to cat) Go away!
[LAUGHTER]
ALEX
Waow, waow, waow.
[CLICK]
[CLICK]
JONNY
(yawning) Are you sure about that? I had some really clacky headphones, cheap ones I stole from work.
Oh, are you really still recording that, Lowri, cos that was a confession of theft from my employer –
[EXTENDED BEEP]
– as was the time –
ALEX
Ugh, dammit.
JONNY
Now currently –
[MORE EXTENDED BEEP]
JONNY
– part of –
[EVEN MORE EXTENDED BEEP]
[ALEX SIGHS]
JONNY
I stole those –
ALEX
Legitimately that all has to be bleeped or cut, whoever’s editing this. Please do bleep or edit all of this out. Thank you.
[JONNY CACKLES WILDLY OVER ALEX’S WORDS]
JONNY
(still laughing) They were the [shittiest] headphones in the world, they – they were like a fiver –
ALEX
Gotta keep bleepin’! Gotta keep cuttin’.
JONNY
Yeah, I know, I know.
ALEX
The second that you said which employer, the ship [fucking] sailed. Thanks for that.
JONNY
(overlapping, extremely pleased with himself) Mhm. Mhm. You’re welcome.
[CLICK]
[CLICK]
ALEX
Hearing people have flexibility issues as I’m basically just going through life in a perpetual T-pose, I’m that inflexible.
[LAUGHTER]
Like, ugh.
JONNY
Alex’s whole body gradually ossifying.
LYDIA
Those actually, like, overlap. I always thought I was way too stiff, but that’s cos my muscles are desperately trying to hold… everything together. So they –
JONNY
(snickering) Hold your bones in.
LYDIA
Yeah, people are like, “Oh. Just relax your shoulders!” And I’m like, “That’s – they are relaxed.”
ALEX
Aw.
I think I’m just hitting old man puberty early, that’s all. I have weird urges to yell at people to get off my lawn. I don’t have a lawn that they’re on, but I just want them to get off it, you know?
JONNY
You’ve got a little lawn out back!
LYDIA
You’ve got a lovely lawn!
FRANK
Are you sure it’s not rigor mortis?
[OUTBURST OF HORRIFIED LAUGHTER]
ALEX
Aw, no, you know what? (extended bleep) Feck off.
[CLICK]
[CLICK]
ALEX
Test one, test two. Blobby with friends, blobby with friends. Confirm?
JONNY
(overlapping) Test one, test two, uh… confirm, blobbying with fr–
ALEX
(overlapping) Argh! Argh!
JONNY
Are you, are you alright, Alex? What’s going on?
ALEX
Yeah, I’m gonna be yelling in this scene I.
JONNY
Argh!
ALEX
It’s gonna be your “Argh! Aaaargh!”
ALEX & JONNY
Aaaargh! Aaaaaaaaaargh! (extremely high-pitched, pained-sounding) Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaargh!
ALEX
How’s your spectogram?
JONNY
Yes, fine.
[CLICK]
[CLICK]
ALEX
(fancy announcer voice) A dress spontaneously appears over both of them! And they Charleston out of there! It’s fabulous. Everyone’s like, “What a show. What. A. Show.”
[JONNY MAKES BA-BA-BA FANFARE NOISES OVER ALL OF THIS]
JONNY
(fancy announcer voice) Standing ovations, all around.
ALEX
Do you ever get the feeling that we’re utterly heartless and we just undercut everything because there’s not actually anything going on – (inhales) behind the flesh of our forms?
[WATERBOTTLE CAP TWISTS OPEN]
JONNY
We’re millennials, we find it difficult, we find, uh, sincerity difficult. We compulsively undercut it.
[CLICK]
[CLICK]
LYDIA
(really high-pitched) Oh, no, no!
SASHA
Oh, goodbye, editor! Oh my word!
FRANK
Yeah, goodbye, editor.
LYDIA
(dramatic) This is so, so sad! It’s been so good…
FRANK
Uh, we’ll never hear from each other again.
SASHA
The last thing… ever.
FRANK
You’ll never hear my voice ever again. There is no possible reason –
SASHA
I will Cease To Exist –
FRANK
– you could hear from me, as I will vanish unto the winds.
SASHA
– in three, two…
FRANK
Into space. I will become dust.
LYDIA
(snickering) I’m so – I’m just laughing at everyone else so I don’t also… I’m like, “Yeah!”
FRANK
And, uh – thank you for making me sound incredible.
LYDIA
Yeah, yeah, yeah. That’s exactly it. (high-pitched Spiderman voice) “I don’t feel so good…”
That’s what happens when Alex takes the microphone away from us. We just, like, freeze. And then there’s no more existence for you. (high-pitched) Goodbyeeeee!
(normal) Ever – no, seriously, goodbye. Thank you.
[CLICK]
[CLICK]
JONNY
This might be my last ever record–
I mean, to be fair, they’ll be ordering – they’ll be editing it much more in order, so… like, it’s not the last time they’ll be hearing me. It might be the last time I’m speaking into this microphone saying words as the Archivist.
LOWRI(?)
Gosh, it’s a momentous occasion.
JONNY
I’m gonna be real, I’m pretty sure there are going to be a couple of pickups, so… but –
LOWRI
We should open a bottle of Prosecco or something.
JONNY
If it is the last – ough, it feels lovely. But if it’s not the last, it feels normal.
[LOWRI SNICKERS]
Actually, editor, you have control over this file so you’ll probably know if there’s any more recordings to be done. So just delete as appropriate:
(dramatic award show voice) Ohhh, I can’t believe it’s over. What a journey.
Or:
This is another normal recording. I foresee more talking into microphones in the future.