[THE MAGNUS THEME FADES IN]
BEN
Hello everybody, and welcome back to the second episode of The Magnus Archives Mothership RPG special! Previously on: there was a spaceship munge.
[SNORTS FROM PLAYERS]
BEN
(clearly enjoying this) And these hapless space truckers got munged upon. They were like, “Oh, no! We got munged!”
JONNY
(overlapping) Stop it! Stop it!
LYDIA
You’re really turning what was a genuinely spooky concept into something that I am struggling to – still holding on with my fingertips – to taking seriously.
BEN
Sorry.
ALEX
Also very insulted. I gave you “splork” and you took “munge.” God.
BEN
Spookily munged. Horrifically munged. The Munge… From Out of Your Nightmares.
ALEX
(weakly) God.
BEN
So! I am Ben. I realised that I didn’t introduce myself properly last time, but I play Elias, you’re listening to The Magnus Archives, like, come on.
Who else is playing here?
JONNY
I’m Jonathan Sims, writer, voice actor.
Visionary.
[LYDIA STARTS CACKLING]
Dream-weaver. And I play Jonathan Sims, and write Jonathan Sims, in popular horrific podcast The Magnus Archives.
ALEX
And you genuinely are one of the few people I’ve met who’s written more podcasts than you’ve listened to!
[PLAYERS CACKLE SOME MORE]
JONNY
To be fair, I’ve listened to so many podcasts, I’ve just written so many more.
BEN
So I do enjoy the (inaudible) horizon, where he’s just below the surface of any sort of British person who likes certain amounts of comedy?
JONNY
Mhm!
BEN
You know, he will just pop up occasionally.
(inhales) Who else have we got?
LYDIA
I’m Lydia and I just play Melanie. So there’s that.
I mean, I’m also in the Rusty Quill Gaming with Alex and Ben, but, like, let’s be honest, statistically you don’t listen to that.
[ALEX BURSTS INTO LAUGHTER]
BEN
Also Stellar Firma exists, please listen to it. Come on. Come on.
[MORE PAINED LAUGHTER FROM ALEX & LYDIA]
JONNY
I’m sorry to both of you, but the audience listening to this – they’re just not cool enough.
[A BEAT]
BEN
(catching on) Ahhh, that’s it.
JONNY
You know? To really get Rusty Quill Gaming or Stellar Firma. You know?
BEN
That’s true.
JONNY
I don’t think they could handle it. I think they should go and try and prove me wrong.
LYDIA
Jonny’s on a negging kick today, everyone!
[AFFIRMING NOISES]
BEN
Well, let’s go to Alex. Which is the favourite of your children?
ALEX
Oh, which is the favourite of my children?
BEN
Yes.
ALEX
Er, the new ones on the network, cos I chose them.
BEN
Aw, that’s true. And also, I can’t imagine you’re that keen on RQG anymore, cos you’ve had to run a 200-episode-long campaign.
ALEX
Eh, it’s fine, I mostly just sit there while the rest of you play it.
Yeah, I’m Alex, and I am in Gaming as well. I played Martin, you may recognize that voice. And somehow am still a good boy?
[LYDIA BURSTS INTO SNICKERING]
ALEX
Because the game has clearly read our souls and made sure that Jonny has the All Seeing Eye and I am a Good Boy.
BEN
You haven’t done anything bad yet, in character, so you are still a good boy. You’ve been quite helpful.
ALEX
I mean, I woke up and then everything went wrong. Some things don’t need my assistance.
BEN
That’s true. Well, let’s get back into the media. So at this time, Alabaster Artichoke…
ALEX
Doctor Alasbaster Artichoke.
BEN
No, don’t Doctor Mister Medic Mister Doctor Medic me again. Come on.
ALEX
I went to Science Medical School, thank you very much!
BEN
Oh, that’s a reference to another podcast. You’ve got to listen to Rusty Quill Gaming to get that joke.
[ALEX & LYDIA SNICKER]
BEN
You’ve just checked the chemical composition of the air in the UEC Hilltop, which is the ship that has sort of –
ALEX
Munged.
BEN
– intersected – I’m trying to avoid it, but yes, has intersected grimly with your ship, the UEC Isle of Wight.
And you have found there is an anomalous something taking up some of the air mix, in addition to oxygen, carbon dioxide, and I wanna say hydrogen’s always around? No, nitrogen’s always around there, isn’t it.
LYDIA
Mhm.
BEN
And various other bits and pieces.
LYDIA
Can I just ask a simple clarification? I, when you first described it, thought the other ship crashed into us. But it didn’t, it emerged from some kind of bubble in time and space and they are kind of – blaaaargh! – in…
BEN
Yes.
LYDIA
Right.
BEN
For clarity, yes. So it’s kind of flickered into the same physical space as your ship, kind of The Fly-style.
LYDIA
Right. Yes.
BEN
Where they, yeah. There has been some sort of – like, teleportation is not a thing that you know exists in the setting. It’s not like, “Oh yeah, teleportation, they do that all of the time.” This is very strange.
But yeah. This has happened. Like, things have just appeared inside other things, and you’re probably all very lucky that you weren’t immediately burst.
LYDIA
I feel that every day.
JONNY
It’s very strange in a way that we have not currently had time to think about, because everything has been on fire.
LYDIA
Yes.
BEN
Absolutely.
Speaking of that, so Lydia’s character, 0170701, and Jonny’s character, Carter Block, were just prepping to try and get the other side of your ship to have a look at your life support systems.
So let’s come back at this kind of preparatory – and Alabaster’s just getting this information, and we can kick off from something there.
LYDIA
Zero is strapping on all of the guns. Looking at my equipment, it is in fact only one gun… but also grenades. Oh well. Well, it’s – it’s a big gun, let’s say.
BEN
I mean, it is the only gun on the ship, really.
LYDIA
It is the only gun – I have The Gun.
And also, my battle dress. Which, while it does then say it has a heads-up display, body cam, short-range comms… I don’t want to put on a battle dress, that seems ridiculous. But I do also like the idea that it’s actually a dress.
BEN
It’s just actually a dress.
ALEX
Yeah. I hear the word “battle dress” and I immediately add, brackets, floral clothes, brackets.
[BEN SNICKERS]
LYDIA
I’m just thinking that there’s some really cool design out there for chain mail…
ALEX
Oh, like an armor kilt style.
LYDIA
Yeah, yeah! That, but I don’t think that is tonally in keeping with the incredibly generic android, was-printed-out-of-a-factory thing.
ALEX
Fair.
BEN
Probably not a cool corporate chain mail kilt.
JONNY
(laughing) Sorry, the phrase “cool corporate chain mail” really delights me.
[LYDIA LAUGHS]
BEN
It sounds like the kind of free gift a startup would give you in place of basic rights? But it’d be like, “Hey, you get this cool corporate chain mail kilt that we give you.”
[LYDIA CACKLES]
LYDIA
That is much better. Zero has no interesting aesthetics, so it does not fulfill the wonderful potential of the phrase “battle dress.” It is simply bluish gray slabs of protective gear, arranged in a practical formation, that is so dull it’s hard to describe. And a gun.
BEN
Okay. What is Carter up to?
JONNY
Carter’s – if you’re taking the time to get into your battle dress, he’ll get into his vaccsuit. He knows there’s hull breaches. Mag-boots and oxygen tank… he’s taken pretty much everything, but especially his laser cutter, in case we need to cut through stuff.
Oh, and a bio-scanner, actually, thinking about it. Cos there’s another ship.
LYDIA
That makes sense.
JONNY
Keeping a scan out for the ol’ bios.
BEN
Great. And what is Alabaster… are you going to stay here, are you prepping to go with them now you’ve got your information, or… what is your plan?
ALEX
I would like to, er – is the terminal that I’m at universal? Like, am I able to look at other aspects, or are they departmental so it’s like I can only look at…
BEN
You’re not going to have full control from here. This is not, like, the hub terminal where you can control the ship. But if there’s anything specific you’re looking for that I can make a judgment on.
ALEX
Is there a bridge on the other ship that isn’t completely imploded the way ours is?
BEN
Actually, yeah. If you want to give me another Intellect roll to try and bring up the diagnostics in the same way that 0170701 did for your ship…
ALEX
Yeah, I’m just hunting for a basic schematic at their end.
BEN
Yeah, yeah.
ALEX
Cos if I can see that it’s 99 percent nuclear reactors, that’s gonna tell me a lot!
So, I need to roll under my figure of Intellect.
[DICE ROLLS]
I rolled wildly over, but not critical.
BEN
And you’re not Trained, so you’re just Basic. It looks like the connection has been severed.
ALEX
That’s fine.
BEN
Basically, you’re looking at it. You get the diagnostics for life support, and actually you do get the diagnostics for thrusters, cos it’s right next to it. It seems that the ship’s pattern is broadly similar to yours.
ALEX
Okay!
BEN
It’s probably not the exact same thing, but the designs are standardised because they can just manufacture these things.
Thrusters are at 100 percent damaged. I mean, it looks like there’s no catastrophic failure cos otherwise you’d all already be dead because the engines would have exploded, but it looks like the intersection with the cockpit? That’s probably what has done for the thrusters.
The other stuff, there’s just big X’s, which are not “this is gone,” it’s just like, “I don’t know, I can’t see. I don’t know how to tell you.”
ALEX
Yeah. That’s fine. In which case, then, I’ll accompany the others –
BEN
Cool.
ALEX
With my hazard suit.
BEN
Fab. So you’ve got a hazard suit on. Okay.
ALABASTER
Before we move on, I feel it necessary to tell everyone, ehm – I believe there may have been a Multiverse Unification Non-causal Generic Event.
CARTER
Wassat?
0170701
I concluded the same.
CARTER
Oh, great.
ALABASTER
Yes, er. So as a result, we’ll need to have to work around what I’m affectionately calling “the munge.”
CARTER
The what?
ALABASTER
The Multiverse Unification Non-causal Generic Event?
[BEN GROANS]
BEN
Augh. That’s – I hate it, and it’s so good, and I hate it.
CARTER
I’m not calling it “munged,” doctor!
ALABASTER
Well, no! We’ll call it Multiverse Unification Non-causal Generic Event, but if we’re in a rush we could use the short parlance. But I just think we should all be very careful, cos there’s extra things in the air.
CARTER
Riiiight.
0170701
Extra… things… in the air?
ALABASTER
Yes.
CARTER
Come on, Zero, let’s get this sorted.
0170701
I agree.
CARTER
Well, I mean, let’s go and die, but try and get stuff sorted before we die.
[PLAYERS SNICKER]
0170701
Is that… a… philosophical treatise?
CARTER
No, it’s – I mean – (blows air out) We’re in space, and something really bad’s happened, usually you die.
ALABASTER
(overlapping) Talk and walk, talk –
0170701
Ah.
ALABASTER
Talk and walk, please talk and walk.
CARTER
Yep.
0170701
Sorry, sometimes I misunderstand profound communications.
BEN
With your talking and walking, the most obvious exit point is the door that would lead back to your ship quarters.
ALEX
Thank god!
[LAUGHTER]
BEN
Well, I mean, it’s important to say given how I’ve messed with the schematics of the ship. It looks like this is broadly unblocked.
From what you can see, it seems like an inference of what the space looks like – it appears that the UEC Hilltop was on the same orientation as you, but reversed? If your ship is a straight line with an arrow pointing towards the cockpit, the Hilltop is an arrow pointing the other way but overlaid, kind of almost directly. However, it looks like the Hilltop has been rotated by about 30 degrees, so everything is slightly skew-whiff.
ALEX
(groaning) Oh, we’re in a Tim Burton film.
BEN
Oh, yeah, no, and everything’s like, slightly too big, and sort of weirdly black-and-white checkered? You know, they have a real strange art direction for the UEC Hilltop.
[SOFT SNICKERING FROM PLAYERS]
BEN
But yeah. So you open up the door, and immediately you see, like, the floor is flat, and then on the left-hand side a 30-degree angle. So it’s kind of awkward to get through. And it’s the rest of life support, which has been mashed together with your crew quarters.
It genuinely does look like – you know in cheap sci-fi, when it’s just like a bunch of weird plastic pipes and topo linen and stuff?
LYDIA
Mm.
BEN
It’s that, cos you’ve got your nice crew quarters and then there’s just a bunch of machinery and mechanisms, kind of smashed together. Pipes have been severed by walls and are hanging down… It’s all a bit of a nightmare.
LYDIA
Weird, like, weird liquids dripping, spilled plants…
BEN
Yeah, exactly, yeah. It’s like, coolant spewing and, yes.
The water, like – there is soil everywhere because this was the hydroponics area. There’s no soil because that’s how hydroponics worked, that was the entire point of them, but also – well. There is no soil. But there is what appears to be a thick, black granulous substance, kind of strewn everywhere? It’s clumped together. There is a reasonable amount of it. And spewed around it, it’s got these sort of fronds, which are kind of waving vaguely.
It looks like this has come from the UEC Hilltop, but it’s now completely mashed together with your stuff. Let’s say Alabaster checks his bed, just out of interest, and it has been entirely covered in this stuff. So it looks like when it intersected it just dumped a bunch of it wherever.
ALEX
Using my scalpels – I’m not touching it with my bare hands – and since I’m wearing my med suit, I’d like to see if I can move some of the stuff and see if it’s actively consuming the bed, or it’s just strewn upon it. Cos those are very different prospects!
[LYDIA MMMS THOUGHTFULLY]
BEN
Of course. You approach your bed, and with your scalpel, you kind of lightly brush it.
ALEX
Yeah, just a sort of lightly… yeah, yeah.
BEN
Yeah. I would like you to make me a Fear save, please.
[LYDIA MMMS MORE THOUGHTFULLY]
ALEX
Yeah, alright, I can do that.
BEN
For the audience’s benefit, each class has different saves. So Alex is a scientist, and his save is –
[DICE ROLLS]
ALEX
That was rubbish!
BEN
– 25, cos apparently scientists don’t like looking at things that are unexplained? Go figure.
ALEX
I have one job as a scientist in a horror sci-fi, which is: worsen the situation whilst claiming I’m making it better. It’s very clear.
[JONNY SNICKERS]
BEN
You’re a good soft boy.
ALEX
Wildly over. But not critical.
BEN
In which case, gain two Stress…
ALEX
Yeah, alright.
BEN
Actually, I have a fun thing for this. You see a patch – similar to yours –
[ALEX SNICKERS]
ALEX
“Bad Boy”!
BEN
Well, let’s see! And that patch says… so there is a caduceus, which is the medical staff with the snakes wrapped around it – that was for the audience’s benefit. I know you, repository of random information, will probably know that – with “Fix Me First.”
But what you’ve uncovered is somebody’s bicep.
You can see it’s like, the same colour… There is somebody under here.
[ALABASTER MAKES AN EXTREMELY DISCOMFITED NOISE]
ALABASTER
Body. Body, body, body – got to – argh, body. Body, hello? Bodies. Help. Body, body.
0170701
Do you require assistance?
ALABASTER
Yes, please.
LYDIA
Zero will stride over and use the – is there anything grabbable from the wall? Cos, don’t want to touch it with my android flesh, it’s expensive.
[ALEX SNICKERS]
BEN
Absolutely. With the intersection, there are random bits of sheared metal.
LYDIA
I grab a bit of sheared metal and push the stuff that was covering the body off. Is it alive, the body?
BEN
Well, yes – so you’ve kind of scraped, but like, delicately scrape.
LYDIA
I scrape.
BEN
Or is it not delicate? I don’t know.
LYDIA
Not particularly, just, you know. We’re trying to see if this thing’s alive.
BEN
Sure. So you’re just trying to clear the debris off of this individual. And Carter, are you also in, or are you, like, “Nope”?
JONNY
Carter’s kind of ignoring it. Just keeping on going.
BEN
Cool. Well, then we will get to you in just a second. However, I’m going to ask for another Fear check both from Alabaster and 0170701.
LYDIA
Cool.
[DICE ROLLS]
ALEX
I fail wildly, but not critically.
BEN
Okay, fine.
JONNY
This is the key, I think, to making through this adventure fine – it’s just to ignore everything.
ALEX
We’ve answered this in a Q&A before, Jonny, which is, who would survive a horror event, and it’s: I would immediately worsen it, and you would survive by virtue of not engaging!
[ALEX & JONNY SNICKER]
BEN
Lyd, how did you do?
LYDIA
I rolled a 60, but my android Fear is super high at 85, so I am fine.
BEN
Surprisingly, you are not creeped out by organic decomposition of a corpse, because – meh.
LYDIA
(as 0170701) They’re always decomposing.
[ALEX & JONNY CACKLE]
BEN
Exactly.
LYDIA
(as 0170701) And they call me the biohazard.
BEN
After 0170701 has scraped away, you see the pseudo-decomposed face of whoever this was. They are unrecognisable, you can see a bit of skull. It looks like this stuff is not digesting them?
Actually, Alabaster, I’ll give this free because you’re a biologist and chemist – oh, and a botanist! You’re good at all this stuff:
This looks like they’ve been buried.
(beat) And they are decomposing as if they were in the ground. Except there are no maggots or organisms, it looks like this is happening independently of actual macro-level organisms.
ALEX
Inorganic soil-based decomposition.
BEN
Yes! Something like that. Like, it might still be bacterial, but it’s not worms and maggots and stuff.
ALEX
Understood, understood.
BEN
Also, gain another two Stress, because that is real, real grim.
ALABASTER
Leave that, please, er, e-e-enough, 0170701.
CARTER
Come on, hurry up. Everything alright back there?
ALABASTER
No, don’t… touch –
0170701
(monotone) We have uncovered a body.
CARTER
(unsurprised deadpan) Oh, no!
ALABASTER
Don’t touch the dirt.
ALEX
It’s not listed in my equipment, Ben, but do I have sample-taking stuff, anything like that?
BEN
Er – yeah, I think that’s completely reasonable, it’s not particularly specialised.
ALEX
I’d like to just carefully take a small and sensible sample, using a small and sensible setup.
BEN
Yeah.
0170701
Out of curiosity, who do you think will analyse that sample, after the life support systems fail?
ALABASTER
(deeply terrified at this reminder) Well, tell you what? Heh. If it turns out that those life supports are – going to fail within 5 minutes, I will walk you through the process, how about that. (nervous laughter) Ha.
0170701
That sounds reasonable to me.
ALABASTER
We should walk and talk, don’t touch the dirt. Yes, okay. Heh.
BEN
While all that has been going on, Carter, you have reached the back, which is the exit towards the actual warehouse section. The door here looks like it has been – smashed and crushed and generally has been melded…
JONNY
(singsong) Why I brought my laser cutter!
BEN
Great! In which case you are, yeah. If you are happy to start lasering through the door – like, it won’t open normally.
JONNY
Yup. Just gonna get it rolling, start cutting through. As I do, I might –
CARTER
So, Zero, given we’re gonna die pretty soon, do you want to tell us what this is all about?
0170701
I’m sure I have no more idea than you do.
CARTER
Well – no, I’m just thinking, cos this is government stuff, you know? Like, obviously government sent us out into space to have whatever this is.
0170701
The company sent us out for profitable motivations.
CARTER
Mhm, no, sure. I’m just assuming that since you’re like – no offense, I don’t blame you, I’m sure they programmed you to, to…
0170701
To what.
CARTER
To be part of whatever this big government thing is that we’ve been sent to die –
0170701
What’s the thing.
CARTER
I don’t know – that’s why I’m asking, you know? I’m not trying to apportion blame here, I just want to know what’s going on.
0170701
It appears to me that you are using a logical question to cover for a desperate need for emotional support. Am I analysing the situation correctly?
ALABASTER
Yes, you are.
CARTER
No, I’m not, I’m just saying – this is probably one of them government things, and we’re gonna die anyway.
0170701
I am unqualified to give you that kind of reassurance.
ALABASTER
(conflict-avoidant-ly) Just open the door, Carter. Just open the door, please, just open the door.
BEN
It’s at this point that you complete your laser cut. And the section that you’ve been cutting out is sucked – violently – away from you.
LYDIA
We’re not gonna make it to three episodes! We are sucked into the vacuum of space. The rest is an android whose brain can survive without oxygen for a while, monologuing in space.
BEN
Yep. Just floatin’ about.
ALEX
The important thing is that I took a sample so when my body’s inevitably recovered it will kill everyone who recovers my body. And that is the key takeaway.
LYDIA
That’s the one.
BEN
Excellent.
LYDIA
You’re setting up a sequel, that’s why you matter.
[BEN SNICKERS]
BEN
Yeah. I want Body saves from all of you, to try and prevent yourselves from being, like… you know. Ripped through this hole.
[DICE ROLLS]
JONNY
Just to say, I do have mag-boots and I’m wearing my vaccsuit. So…
BEN
Oh! If you want to activate your mag-boots, then skip that check.
JONNY
Yep.
ALEX
I know that you were clearly aware that there’s hard vacuum on the other side of that door and, like, (singsong) “Boo-do-boo-boo-do! That sounds like a you problem. Boo-do-boo-boo-do.”
JONNY
(insulted) No, I did not know that! I just – I got my vaccsuit on because the android was putting on his battle dress. Yet more evidence that the android knows what’s going on –
[BEN LAUGHS]
JONNY
– and is ready to fight something. I’m just saying.
LYDIA
Yeah, I rolled wildly over my score, so I’m soon sucked into the vacuum of space.
BEN
Okay. Not the vacuum of space, but sucked through the hole.
LYDIA
Ahhh, okay.
ALEX
I rolled wildly over but not critically over.
BEN
In which case, Carter immediately activates his mag-boots. And like, there’s an element of wobble as you try and stabilise yourself, cos still – there are still forces, but you’re ultimately safe. Both 0170701 and Alabaster are sucked through the hole, kind of (inaudible; “prying”?) themselves on the edges of the hole –
[SFX: SUDDEN, VIOLENT SUCKING NOISE]
– and then you’re sucked further into the warehouse area. You bounce hard off of one of the shipping containers.
[SFX: A FEW PAINFUL THUDS]
And then kind of normalise. Because this was a decompression, not a constant, you know, suck. However. What does your hazard suit give you there, Alex?
ALEX
It doesn’t say it has an oxygen tank, I’ll tell ya that.
BEN
Yes it does.
ALEX
Oh, does it!
BEN
“Air filter and can store up to 1 hour of air in a small oxygen tank, and can filter most toxic atmospheres.”
ALEX
Ohhh, perfect!
BEN
“Protects against extreme heat and cold”!
ALEX
Oh, this is the best thing ever!
BEN
And that’s fortunate, cos you’re not quite in a hard vacuum, so that’s maybe helpful.
ALEX
Oh, my eyes stay in my head. This is just a good day.
[BEN LAUGHS]
CARTER
(calling) Are you both alive?
LYDIA
I don’t know. Do my eyes stay in my head?
BEN
Well. I need to deal them some damage. 0170701, apart from being banged up, is broadly unconcerned. You are more than able to exist in a hard vacuum perfectly happily.
LYDIA
Grand.
BEN
So, Alabaster.
[DICE ROLLS]
You take yourself 15 damage –
ALEX
Fine, I’ve got loads of hit points.
[BEN & LYDIA BURST INTO LAUGHTER]
BEN
If you want context for that joke, go listen to Rusty Quill Gaming!
[LYDIA LAUGHS SOME MORE]
[DICE ROLLS]
BEN
Oh no. 0170701, you take 21 damage.
LYDIA
Mhm.
BEN
As you hit a particularly spiky bit, and in fact, a shard of metal drives itself through your bicep.
[SFX: A PAINFUL TEAR OF METAL]
LYDIA
What kind of fluids does an android body leak?
ALEX
(mock-horrified) Noooo! Not your precious android milk!
BEN
It is a milky-white substance.
LYDIA
Eurgh.
BEN
Which is like, a combination fuel and lubricant, I guess. Sure.
ALEX
Flu-bricant!
LYDIA
Grand. I do not remove the bar of metal. It stays there to plug the wound. It’s only logical.
BEN
Oh! Yeah, no, fair enough. Fair enough.
So you two find yourselves now, like, pseudo-floating?
LYDIA
Mhm.
BEN
It’s not quite no-gravity – there’s like a light pull towards the “floor,” as it were. But yeah. It looks like there’s a lot less atmosphere in here than there was elsewhere, than there was in the crew quarters.
Anyways, sorry. We’ll pick up from where Carter is asking if you’re okay.
CARTER
(calling) Are you alright?
ALABASTER
(pained) I’m alive! That’s almost the same thing!
0170701
I have been impaled. But –
CARTER
Oh –
0170701
– not seriously. I would appreciate the use of your laser cutter to…
CARTER
Okay?
0170701
…lessen the awkwardness of continuing to move around with this object hold-up arm. Bit of rebar sticking through.
CARTER
Right.
BEN
As Carter sort of steps into the room and gets a good look at it, it looks like, again, the UEC Hilltop doesn’t appear to have been just a flat freighter. It’s almost, like, there is a biome in here. Assumedly it also had a large spacious area for whatever the ship’s function was.
But in amongst all the shipping containers, which were part of your cargo, you’re seeing, like, a lot more in the way of cages. There are bits of plant floating around the place, as it looks like they were being stored and kept in pots and stuff, which have been thrown around.
And there’s various, like, heavy bits of machinery, which might have been for excavation, which have kind of merged with your shipping containers, creating sort of a slightly-moving – basically it’s the kind of thing where these things aren’t moving around quickly, but if you do get between them and a wall, they will just crush you because they have so much momentum.
But effectively, you’re in a large, low-gravity space with a slightly sloped floor. And again, it’s kind of doing the same thing – so like, the entire room is now an irregular octagon instead of the cube that you’d expect. With just loads of debris, and a lot more of that black, mouldy substance about the place.
And then yes, sort of in the middle, you can see 0170701 sort of stuck on a shipping container, which has burst open.
LYDIA
Mm.
JONNY
I’ll cut Zero off.
[NOISES OF LASER CUTTER WORKING]
LYDIA
Grand.
BEN
Yep, that’s nice and easy.
LYDIA
If I can describe it just for flavoury purposes, I’m now walking around with a bit of rebar sticking out of the bicep? Like, not far, but like, ugly, chopped-off.
CARTER
Just to say, if your government masters have given you any sort of leeway into determining who, like, makes it through this and who doesn’t, just bear in mind that I did that and I helped. Okay?
0170701
I… believe that it is important to you, for the purposes of functioning emotionally and psychologically, to believe that there is more control granted to me over the course of this situation than in fact there is. I will not dissuade you from this.
ALABASTER
Please. Just walk and talk! We will all die if you don’t – just –
CARTER
(overlapping) We are walking and talking! We are walking and talking!
[ALABASTER EXHALES, VERY DISTRESSED]
ALABASTER
Please!
BEN
I’m happy to assume that conversations are going on during movement.
ALEX
Oh, I’m gonna be clear, that’s entirely in character. Alex is fine to sit and chill and slowly discuss the nuances of governmental oversight whilst we all die.
BEN
Well. You have a (inaudible) of space to cross and make sure that you are not crushed or otherwise damaged.
Looking around, there are multiple small holes and gaps in the hull? Cos obviously these things did not intersect perfectly. It looks like the hull integrity is actually still pretty good, and the atmosphere is just leaking out, instead of, you know, blowing a hole in the side of the ship.
And anyone who’s going to be like, “That’s not how space works!” I’ll say, “Shut up.” I’ve got an adventure to run. I don’t care. It’s fine.
And er, yeah. But you have all these large objects that are floating around, and you can hear them kind of bouncing off each other, the walls, with this kind of booming, cavernous sound.
[SFX: PERIODIC BOOMING BOUNCES IN THE BACKGROUND]
LYDIA
Sounds like a cool level in a platformer.
BEN
That is vaguely the vibe I’m going for, yeah. But how would you as a group like to traverse this space?
JONNY
I’m using my mag-boots. How’s gravity?
BEN
Gravity is low. The mag-boots will allow you to, apart from having to like, disengage and re-engage them, probably move a bit more quickly and a bit more agile, cos you’re able to make contact quicker. But you can move without them.
JONNY
I’m gonna be moving pretty carefully with the mag-boots, just prioritising keeping myself stable over anything else.
ALEX
Are there any cargo ropes or anything kicking around?
BEN
Yes, there is, you know, an amount of netting and ropes to keep things down.
ALABASTER
Carter, there’s a lot of cargo ropes. Why don’t we sort of do a rope chain with you as the anchor point, cos you’ve got mag-boots and that way we won’t all, you know, immediately float off.
CARTER
Yeah, alright.
ALABASTER
Great.
0170701
An excellent solution.
BEN
Okay. You can tie each other together by harvesting bits of netting and rope which float close. You have to like, move out of one of the big shipping containers, which kind of just starts moving towards you. You move out the way, it bounces off the hull that you left, and starts moving back again.
ALABASTER
One other thing – I’m afraid I don’t have much for you, 0170701, but, ehm… Carter, I’m enabled by the company to offer you, er – basically I’ve got stimpaks and pain pills that can, (laughs nervously) sort of help out in high-stress situations, so.
CARTER
Yeah, alright. I’ll have one.
ALABASTER
Just don’t overdo them.
0170701
Are you in pain?
CARTER
Uhhhh… (supremely unconvincing) yeah.
[ALEX BURSTS INTO LAUGHTER]
0170701
(supremely unconvinced) Alright.
ALEX
I, as a character, lack the self-confidence to query that! I have a bunch, so you have two pain pills and two stimpaks that I can pass to you. Pain pills basically help you heal, stimpaks make you a bit of a beast for a while.
JONNY
Is Carter someone who’s just gonna take a stimpak right now – probably not yet, no.
BEN
Okay, okay.
JONNY
It’s tempting, but, uh…
BEN
(snickers) Cool. So at this point, then, is it with Carter leading the way, you’re all trying to sort of navigate this area?
ALEX
Oh, ungainly as anything, yeah?
LYDIA
(offended) I’m pretty gainly!
[SNICKERING]
BEN
Carter, would you mind making me a Strength check, as you try and sort of, like, keep this under control?
JONNY
Certainly! I’m just quickly checking if I have any skills that might be useful for this…
Oh, I do have Zero-G.
BEN
Yeah. It’s not a zero-G environment, but you’re very used to using these mag-boots to move normally.
JONNY
And I rolled a 5!
BEN
Oh! Yeah. Great.
This is fine. You are moving confidently along the floor, you’re able to keep things under control enough that when objects are moving towards you, you’re able to sort of stop in good time or do a quick scooch and pull everybody with you. That – obviously 0170701 and Alabaster are, you know, have control as well, but basically you’re kind of assisting, Carter, in the general direction and dodging small bits of debris.
You make your way across the room, you’re about halfway through. You have got through, like, the majority of the large debris. It seems to be sort of gathered up towards the front of your ship and the back of Hilltop? Like, from where you came.
After you get through that sort of field, this area is a lot more open, but is a lot more full of that… mould? Which is clinging to the walls. You will probably have to start moving through it if you want to make some forward progress. There are also clumps of it sort of floating free, and also attached to smaller bits, like – there is still a shipping container or two here, it’s just they’re less full up and they’re moving less erratically, so they’re less of a danger.
LYDIA
Can I, while we’re in the floaty bit, grab the bit of rebar that is cut off my arm, and – yes, I want to have some rebar, because that will help me prod dangerous things.
BEN
Cool. And also, I would say, use that as if it were a crowbar.
LYDIA
Yes.
ALABASTER
As the risk of sounding like a pharmacist, er, Carter, I – I also have a – I see a lot of that stuff, I have an automed?
ALEX
Long story short, it just makes you better at Body saves and stuff like that, which I think might be relevant here.
…I realise I’m just pushing pills as the solution to every problem currently.
LYDIA
I mean, the problems are: being crushed or poisoned.
BEN
And yeah, obviously it’s, er, you know, worth reminding ourselves and the audience that none of you are actually breathing the atmosphere of this room at the moment. Cos you’re all in your various oxygen reserves, all not breathing.
ALEX
Mmm.
BEN
How would you like to cross this field of mould?
And as you’re looking at it, you can see there are a lot of these sort of, like, semi-translucent fronds, sort of in pairs or just dotted around the place, that are kind of poking out of the surface of this thing.
You can’t quite tell if, like, are they plant life? Are they something weird? Is it part of the sporing process? Like, who knows. But. They’re kind of dotted around in front of you.
LYDIA
Once the gravity is a bit firmer, as security and also the androids who have been programmed to understand that they are the most replaceable, Zero will go first.
JONNY
Oh – that’s so sad!
LYDIA
Ohhh, yes. Zero will place themselves at the head of the queue and be trying to poke, or sweep, fronds and fungus stuff out of the way.
BEN
Okay. So as you take your first exploratory prod at one of these fronds, it retracts. You know how, like, a snail’s eyestalk will do if it gets touched, they kind of go “Woagh!” It kind of does the same thing.
JONNY
Mm. Don’t like that.
BEN
The other one doesn’t seem to move at all. And then you see a very, very – like, almost a vantablack, which is like a really, really dark black that looks almost unreal?
LYDIA
Yeah, yeah. Absorbs all the light.
BEN
Sort of tendril, moves out of the greater mass of mould, from around this particular frond. And kind of lightly wraps itself around the piece of rebar that you were using. Like, it’s not tugging it out of you, but it’s just like, kind of drapes itself. Almost like a, “Ahhhh.”
LYDIA
Oh no, my rebar! Does it disintegrate? Does it boil?
BEN
No, and it almost feels like nothing is really on the rebar – it’s not very heavy, it’s not exerting a force or a pressure.
LYDIA
I’m gonna try and pull my rebar back. It’s my rebar.
BEN
Uh-huh, okay. And as you pull it back, it kind of draws this lump out along with it, which appears to be attached to the fronds. So it’s like, the tendril and a lump and then the frond’s poking out on the top.
You pull it out, and it appears that some sort of, like, squid-like boneless –
[LYDIA MAKES DISCOMFITED NOISES]
BEN
– thing, is sat on top of your rebar.
I mean, it seems pretty passive?
CARTER
Laser cutter!
ALABASTER
No, no! No no, get a sample, get a sample!
BEN
I’m assuming “laser cutter” is not Carter just shouting that, it’s Carter doing that?
JONNY
No, Carter’s laser-cutter-ing it.
ALABASTER
(incredibly distressed) No! God, Carter, no, don’t, please – God, no!
BEN
In which case, I mean, make me – I’m gonna say a Combat just to make sure, like, nothing goes wrong. Cos you’re kind of acting quickly. But yeah, make me a Combat check.
ALEX
Cut the entire ship in half, dammit!
[DICE ROLLS]
JONNY
That’s a 75. I have missed. I’ve – I mean like…
BEN
And, yeah.
LYDIA
That is not critical, right? I don’t get hit.
JONNY
Remind me what a critical…
BEN
Any doubles. So a 77 would’ve been a critical failure, but that’s just a normal failure.
JONNY
Gotcha. This is not bad. This is just… failing to laser-cutter this thing.
BEN
Yeah. So you kind of spray this, like, small… well – laser, wildly. You miss the top of the crowbar and just kind of, like – you know, it’s distant space, so it doesn’t do much damage to the opposite wall, but it kind of zings off and you see a little heat trail.
I think you should all probably take a Stress from that, because that was kind of like a, “Agh!” kind of action.
LYDIA
Mhm.
JONNY
Yep.
ALEX
I’m gonna go ahead and claim that I’m the reason you missed, cos I’ll have immediately been shoving it like –
ALABASTER
(panicked) No! Don’t – stop, please – God!
CARTER
Yeah.
ALABASTER
You don’t know – that could make it worse, that could – you, I – (struggling) just get it in a pot!
CARTER
(reasonably) That should not be on the ship, and we should destroy it.
ALABASTER
Get it in a pot, you don’t know what you’re dealing with!
CARTER
Don’t get it in a pot, kill it!
ALABASTER
What if that doesn’t kill it? What if that makes it multiply? What if that makes it three hundred times bigger?! You don’t know!
BEN
During this conversation, the creature is just slowly moving up the rebar towards your hand, 0170701.
LYDIA
Yep. Going to be so absorbed in this conversation, it’s always fun to try and process human emotions.
[ALEX SNICKERS]
LYDIA
I’m not going to notice until it is nearly touching me…? At which point I will throw it across the room and there’ll be a big clattering sound.
BEN
I would like you to make me an Armor check, as as you throw it with a violent motion, it suddenly convulses and then tries to grab onto your hand, which it’s almost at.
[DICE ROLLS]
LYDIA
(audible wince) Not great. I rolled a 40, and it says that my Armor is 25. What’s it – plus 5… What does the battle dress do?
BEN
Confers a plus 10-percent bonus to the wearer’s Armor save.
LYDIA
I absolutely did not hit that. I rolled a 40, and my Armor is 25.
BEN
How much do you fail by?
LYDIA
5. I missed by 5.
BEN
Okay, good. This thing missed by 18.
So you manage to withdraw your hand quickly enough that it kind of, like – its tendrils try and jab into where your hand was, and it reveals it has like, 10 of these things, which it then spikes into the same area.
[LYDIA MAKES ALARMED NOISE]
BEN
And it makes like a little, weird, squeaking noise, which the others interpret as irritation. Maybe 0170701 has like, a bit of – “Er, what is that? I don’t know.”
ALABASTER
Okay, ehm…
CARTER
I told you! I told you.
ALABASTER
Yeah, but that’s – very – might have made it worse! You – I – (struggling)
BEN
Oh! Everyone make a Panic roll.
JONNY
Yep.
BEN
Cos you’ve been attacked by an alien!
LYDIA
That’s two 10s, right?
BEN
2D10, add them together.
LYDIA
Uh-huh.
[DICE ROLLS]
JONNY
I’m still just about okay.
LYDIA
I got a 10.
ALEX
I fail wildly, but not critically.
BEN
When you say you fail – so your Stress is…
ALEX
My Stress… is already at plus 6.
BEN
And you rolled…
ALEX
58.
[BEAT]
BEN
No, you rolled 5 plus 8.
ALEX
I rolled 13. Sorry.
BEN
That’s fine.
So you’re all fine…
ALEX
Oh, good.
LYDIA
Aw, yeah! We’re chill! This is cool! This happens all the time.
BEN
Lower your Stress level by 1.
ALEX
Aw, that’s fine.
LYDIA
We’ve proved, I think, that we can beat these aliens.
BEN
Oh, absolutely. It’s gonna be really easy.
So! After having just been – well, attempted to have been attacked by an alien, and managing to get away with it, and everyone’s really nice and cool about that, we’ll find out just how far that nice and cool-ness is… next episode! Cos we have reached our time.
[ALEX SNICKERS]
So, say goodbye, everybody!
ALEX
“Goodbye, everybody!”
LYDIA
Byeeee!
JONNY
“Goodbye, everybody!”
BEN
Excellent, yes. I knew one of you at least would do that. Bye!
JONNY
It was me!
BEN
And Alex.
[PLAYERS SNICKER]
[THE MAGNUS THEME FADES IN]
ALEX
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