[SHOW THEME – INTRO]
ALEX
Hello again and welcome to episode 13 of the Rusty Quill Gaming podcast. I’m your host and GM Alex Newall, and with me as ever, I have:
LYDIA
Lydia Nicholas.
BEN
Ben Meredith.
BRYN
Bryn Monroe.
JAMES
James Ross.
ALEX
And who are you all playing?
JAMES
Sir Bertrand “Bertie” MacGuffingham. I’m a newly-minted human statue.
[SNICKERS]
BRYN
I’m playing Hamid the halfling, er… “spellcaster.” I’ve been describing him as a sorcerer because that’s the out-of-character description, but I think it’s clearer if I start making it obvious that that’s not an in-character label.
ALEX
Mhm.
BEN
Zolf Smith, dwarven cleric and also apparently personal development coach.
[LAUGHTER]
LYDIA
Sasha Racket, who is in her slimy underworld element right now.
ALEX
Mhm. As a quick recap, obviously you guys are tracking down the people who messed around with the Simulacrum at Edison’s house and killed a lot of people.
LYDIA
Yeah, they did.
ALEX
You traced it to Other London, but got ambushed when you were trying to track down the equipment where they bought it. Got taken to…
LYDIA
A guy with who I have a coincidental same name.
ALEX
Mm. You got taken to basically the Racket headquarters, where you were made an offer…
LYDIA
(unconvincingly) Coincidence!
ALEX
Yup! And you were made an offer you can’t refuse, that included a ring of magical origins that was given to Hamid.
BRYN
A mysterious magical ring. Oh my God, a halfling’s wearing a magic ring, guys!
[EXAGGERATED GASPING ALL AROUND]
JAMES
I did wonder about that.
LYDIA
Say what?!
ALEX
And you guys got hold of a map to a compound where apparently, according to Barrett, the head of the Rackets…
BEN
Who’s very trustworthy, probably.
ALEX
He’s soooo trustworthy.
LYDIA
We didn’t really interrogate that, did we?
ALEX
Sooooooooo trustyyy…
LYDIA
Yeah.
BEN
I think he was about that far away from killing us, so I wasn’t really that keen to interrogate!
[LAUGHTER]
ALEX
And, ooh, actually, Sasha found out some more info about Brock from his…
LYDIA
I did!
ALEX
…incredibly sinister seven-foot…
LYDIA
“He’s in Paris and he’s happy enough.”
ALEX
…friend.
BRYN
In the dementer cloak.
ALEX
In the dementer cloak.
BEN
The dementer, right? He’s a dementer.
ALEX
Oh, well, you know. Shh.
[SNICKERS]
And you guys tracked it down, went through Racket territory. Got some eel keesh on the way…
LYDIA
Yaaaaaaaaay!
ALEX
And…
JAMES
Invented the eel keesh!
ALEX
You did, you did. You invented eel keesh.
JAMES
Keesh à la…
LYDIA
Eel?
JAMES
No, what’s his name, Grieg? Greg?
LYDIA
Oh, Gragg.
BEN
Gragg.
JAMES
Keesh à la Gragg. Keesh eel-a Gragg.
[EVERYONE GROANS]
ALEX
And nonetheless, after Sasha scouted out the area, she found that they could probably draw away some of the guards and there wouldn’t be too much left. And then although his Charm Person failed, Hamid has nonetheless succeeded in drawing both guards…
BRYN
With my natural charm.
ALEX
With your natural charm, succeeded in drawing both guards to a little nook hidden away, whereupon they’re looking for a statue covered in eagles. At which point…
LYDIA
(correcting) Falcons.
JAMES
Falcons.
ALEX
Falcons, I keep saying that.
BEN
How dare you?!
ALEX
Covered in falcons. And, where we left off, a certain player – namely James – had managed to pull out of somewhere a natural 20 on a Disguise check to look like a statue for…
JAMES
I thought, “We don’t need it, it’s not critical to combat or the player things. I’ll just roll a 20 now.” I thought, “Why not?”
LYDIA
Why would I have it in combat…
JAMES
Yeah.
LYDIA
…when I could roll several ones?
JAMES
Just the character flavour. I wanted to do it now. So I did.
ALEX
So describe to me, then, what your disguise entailed and how you pose – let’s be honest, that’s an important factor.
JAMES
That is an important factor. Well, obviously, in an ideal world, if I was posing as a statue, I’d like to be sat on a horse because – with the horse’s leg raised – which would imply that I was victorious in battle. However…
ALEX
Something to aspire to.
JAMES
I know. There are no horses down here. So…
BRYN
That would have been more of a struggle to make up. To pretend to be a statue…
JAMES
Yeah.
BRYN
…in the time available…
LYDIA
You have to roll for the horse!
JAMES
Yeah, I’d build a horse out of filth.
[LAUGHTER]
JAMES
Okay. So, what Bertie has done is he’s buffed up his armour with his standard armour polish that he has whenever he’s going somewhere a bit fancy and he needs to wear his “dress armour.”
[LYDIA SNICKERS]
JAMES
He’s pulled his helmet down and polished that up, super loads. Also he’s got a little bit – because the only real gap in the armour, when the helmet is down, is the eyes. So he’s just put a little bit over his eyelids as well, so that it looks like it’s a consistent…
ALEX
Ahhhhh.
JAMES
So even if somebody were to stare right in – because this is a 20.
ALEX
Oh yeah, like you…
JAMES
This is amazing, this is an amazing disguise. He’s done that.
LYDIA
Yes.
JAMES
He’s also rubbed a little bit of muck, just into the grain of the armour, to suggest that this statue’s been here a while and is an…
ALEX
Ahhhhh.
JAMES
…established part of – and it looks a tiny bit weathered as a result of that, because of the muck. And…
LYDIA
I can imagine that would hurt Bertie quite a bit…
JAMES
Well, he’s not pleased about it. But nobody can see his grimace.
[LAUGHTER]
And at this point as well, he’s got his sword drawn and he’s standing in a guard’s type pose, with sword up and shield out.
BEN
How’s his falcon lamp?
JAMES
I’ve raised it, so as to draw them in.
[THE OTHERS OOH]
ALEX
Oh, so you’re a beacon?
BEN
Like an anglerfish!
JAMES
Like an anglerfish, yes.
BEN
A big falcon-esque anglerfish.
JAMES
It’s going to be exactly like that. I’m going to bait the two guards in, then I’m going to absorb their bodies –
[LAUGHTER]
– leaving certain essential elements of them dangling on the outside.
BEN
For use later?
JAMES
Say again. For use later, when required.
ALEX
So, what is everyone else doing?
BEN
Okay. So I am hidden behind a rock that is just behind the pool that Bertie is standing in.
ALEX
Mhm.
BEN
It’s just about within trident range, so if they start to inspect him by getting in the pool I can give them a bit of a prod.
ALEX
Mhm.
BEN
And I’ve braced myself, so I am looking to charge into them using my tiny, tiny move range.
ALEX
And Hamid?
BRYN
I have taken my own picnic portion of eel keesh out of my pocket and borrowed Sasha’s as well, and I’m standing hidden in some shadows with an eel keesh portion in each hand, ready to…
BEN
Keesh bombs.
ALEX
And Sasha?
LYDIA
I am folded into a tiny crevice in a rock. If you think of the journey that the guards are taking like a sort of road, the rock and pool that Bertie’s in is on one side of it, and the rock that we’re on is on the other. So they should pass by – I’m hoping, and I am quite good at disguise, that they will come past and see the beacon, turn to that and then…
ALEX
So, can…
LYDIA
Ram! Stab them in the back.
BRYN
Sasha and I are hopefully well-concealed.
LYDIA
Mmm.
ALEX
Can I get a Stealth check from everyone that isn’t Bertie? Bearing in mind you’re getting enormous bonuses for having time to prepare, and knowing where they’re coming from, and all kinds of things.
[DICE ROLLS]
LYDIA
Er, 15.
ALEX
Yeah.
BEN
2.
ALEX
Right.
[LAUGHTER]
BRYN
Okay. So his spell roll is 2, but he is literally behind a rock.
ALEX
Like I said, you’re getting enormous bonuses.
BRYN
Yeah.
ALEX
It’s just in case it was…
BRYN
I have 15 as well.
ALEX
Okay, sure. So the guards start approaching.
[OTHER LONDON SOUNDS FADE IN: RUSHING RIVER WATER]
At first they’re being quite careful, until they see the light shining from the beacon. At which point they lose their cautiousness on sheer curiosity, and then see – coming round the corner – this ancient monolith of a man encased in bronze or gold or something, knee-deep in muck. But nonetheless it’s like a beacon from an older time… a testament to the greatness of man, staring and guarding the Thames from those that would come…
JAMES
(pleased) Oh, stop.
[LAUGHTER]
ALEX
And yeah, they go up straight away. You hear them muttering to each other, “Oh, he’s actually telling the truth, ooh.” And then just, they go right up, like right up. They leave the dogs unattended and they’re just sniffing around. One of them goes,
ALEX (GUARD 1)
Oh, go on.
ALEX (GUARD 2)
Alright.
ALEX
So one of them – he wades in just a little bit, up to the knee – literally right up to the statue and starts, you know, (makes dinking noises of testing the metal). “Heh heh.” Goes next to him, puts his arms around it as if – like, if there was a photo, they’d be taking a photo.
LYDIA
Taking an eye-photo.
BEN
At which point I will take a five foot step…
ALEX
Mhm.
BEN
And just ramming my trident into his spine.
[ALEX LAUGHS IN PAIN]
LYDIA
Oooohhhh. They’re having such a lovely day!
BEN
Well, if you’re a guard and you get distracted by a fabulous falcon statue, there…
ALEX
I am going to allow you to do something here – slightly retconning, which I shouldn’t do, but you would have had enough time: I’ll allow all of you to have coordinated.
BRYN
Yeah.
ALEX
Everyone roll me initiative, just so I know the order that you’re in.
[DICE ROLLS]
LYDIA
17.
ALEX
17, anyone higher than 17?
BRYN
No.
JAMES
No.
BEN
I’m back on form with 5, so.
ALEX
Lower than 17?
BRYN
Er, 10.
JAMES
7, if you include my bonus.
LYDIA
But if this is something we’ve coordinated to…
ALEX
It’s just the order that things go off on.
BRYN
Yeah. So we will all get an entire round of actions…
LYDIA
Mhm.
BRYN
That’s the surprise round. Then there will be a normal round, where you are likely to still act before them, again.
LYDIA
Hurray!
ALEX
And would get your sneak attack – again.
BRYN
Yes.
LYDIA
Yay! I like stabbing.
ALEX
(chuckles) Once it goes off it’s really nice. So I’ve got Sasha, Hamid, Bertie was on 10?
JAMES
7.
ALEX
7.
BEN
And I was on 5.
ALEX
Okay.
[DICE ROLLS]
BEN
From the look on your face these aren’t the brightest guards?
ALEX
These are not the brightest guards, and have rolled incredibly poorly on their initiative.
BEN
Yeahhh. So we’re not looking at the cream of the crop, I think…
BRYN
(as Jar-Jar Binks from Star Wars) Theysa gonna die!
BEN
Yeah, they sent those guys out on the away mission, and these are the guys that stayed behind.
ALEX
Okay. So Zolf gives a signal.
LYDIA
Hurray.
ALEX
And Sasha’s quickest off the mark. What do you do?
LYDIA
So he’s stabbed them in the spine?
BRYN
No.
ALEX
No, not yet.
BRYN
This is all happening simultaneously.
LYDIA
Right.
BEN
So you can…
LYDIA
I want to hold on.
BEN
…hold an action until I start.
LYDIA
Yeah.
BRYN
You can run up to him and stab him in the back now. The whole point of the surprise round is he will not have noticed you yet…
BEN
Oh yeah, he will still sneak – being sneaked – getting snuck-attacked.
BRYN
You will get snuck – sneak attack, if you…
LYDIA
Oh, okay.
BEN
Yeah.
LYDIA
Cool. So I guess I have to run past the dog.
ALEX
The dog is in surprise round and can’t do anything either.
BRYN
Yeah, they can’t take an attack of opportunity.
LYDIA
(cheering) Woo, woof woof!
ALEX
I would recommend charging –
LYDIA
Yeah?
ALEX
– because it gives you a bonus to your attack.
LYDIA
Cool.
ALEX
You can cover the distance, it’s a straight line…
BRYN
Yeah.
ALEX
…it’s easy terrain – the bit that you’ve picked is easy terrain. So you automatically – because you’ve had to move, you only get the one attack, but nonetheless you gain sneak attack damage.
BRYN
And you’re getting plus-2 on the attack roll.
ALEX
A plus 2 just to hit him.
LYDIA
Right. Okay, just to hit him.
ALEX
Mhm.
LYDIA
Okay.
[DICE ROLLS]
12 plus the two, 14.
ALEX
It’s a hit.
LYDIA
Ah, thank goodness!
BRYN
What was your normal attack bonus?
BEN
Plus what I’ve got here, it’s a 1, I think?
ALEX
Yeah, so you’re up at 15.
LYDIA
Yeah, 1, so 15.
BRYN
Yeah.
LYDIA
Right.
ALEX
So you get your –
BRYN
And he’s flat-footed.
ALEX
– and he is flat-footed, so that means he’s taking penalties on top, because of the flanking and everything. This is how you do rogueing.
LYDIA
So then I…
BEN
D4 and D6.
LYDIA
D4 and D6.
ALEX
Mhm.
[DICE ROLLS]
LYDIA
Ooh, oh, for goodness’ sake, Sasha. Er, that’s 4.
BEN
And you do get your Dirty Fighter bonus, so you –
BRYN
Yeah, negate your, cancelling the strength…
BEN
Cancelling the strength.
ALEX
Okay. At which point…
BEN
(stage whisper) Bearing in mind you get to do that another two times.
LYDIA
Oh, right.
ALEX
Oh yeah, before any of them can do anything.
BEN
Because you’ve got two swords now, or two daggers, and you’re there.
LYDIA
Oh, yeah, yeah.
ALEX
Hamid?
BRYN
I step a couple of steps out of cover towards where all the action is happening.
ALEX
Mhm.
BRYN
And I whistle. I can’t whistle in real life, but Hamid can!
[SOMEONE WHISTLES]
[LAUGHTER]
ALEX
Sure, you whistle.
BRYN
I whistle…
LYDIA
I’ll whistle for you.
BRYN
…and I just gently toss – I’ve got a eel keesh…
ALEX
Mhm.
BRYN
Keesh-a-la-Gragg, in each hand. I just toss them… forward.
ALEX
Uh-huh. You are not even going to see a reaction from the dogs yet.
BEN
They’re too confused.
[LAUGHTER]
LYDIA
“Woof?”
ALEX
Bertie, the human statue.
BEN
(singsong) It’s Bertie!
[LAUGHTER]
BEN
(singsong) Bertie, Bertie the human statue!
JAMES
(TV announcer voice) What adventures will Bertie the human statue…
BEN
(immediately) Crush a man’s head!
[LAUGHTER]
JAMES
Oh, I was going to go for “Bertie the human statue, what adventures can he have? He’s going to stand still, because he’s a statue.”
[LAUGHTER]
JAMES
(singsong) Bertie, Bertie, Bertie the human statue.
ALEX
Best episode ever.
JAMES
Yeah. Next episode. (beat) (sings) Bertie, Bertie…
[LAUGHTER]
Right. Sorry, it’s just, it’s a whole series just about copper oxidisation.
[MORE LAUGHTER]
It’s really…
ALEX
Educative!
JAMES
…hard-hitting stuff.
BEN
It’s the kind of thing they show in physics class or like…
LYDIA
(in an attempt to get back on track) Attack the men!
BRYN
Take your attack.
JAMES
Okay. So yeah. So I am going to unleash a mighty bellow –
[LAUGHTER]
– and attack.
LYDIA
Roar-play that.
JAMES
Yeah.
BERTIE
Rooooooooooaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!
[PLAYERS LAUGH]
MacGuffingham’s aliiiiiivvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvveeeeeeeeeee!
JAMES
And I’m going to attack. I think that is probably going to be…
BRYN
You’ll get a flanking bonus on that one.
JAMES
Oh, I’ll have the one on the flanking bonus then, yeah.
ALEX
So, which one – just point for me?
JAMES
That one, I believe? Yeah.
[DICE ROLLS]
LYDIA
Aw, he’s going to be finished by the time I get to use my…
BEN
You’ll get the guy who’s still…
JAMES
So 3, plus my attack bonus which is 4, which is 7.
BRYN
Plus your flanking bonus takes it up to 9, but it’s still probably not good enough against his flat-footedness.
JAMES
(disappointed) Yeah.
ALEX
Yeah, so Bertie gives a huge “ROARRRRRRRR!” and does a huge swing and then proceeds to go, “Oop – no, polish in the eye, polish in the eye!” And then just happens to swing and miss him.
And after that, Zolf?
BEN
Whoop!
ALEX
Yep.
BEN
That whoop was my five foot step, guys. Stab! Get spined!
[DICE ROLLS]
Do I miss? That might be a miss. Yeah, that’s… 8.
ALEX
8. It is a miss.
LYDIA
You guys!
ALEX
Sasha’s carrying you guys.
BEN
We get another go?
ALEX
At which point:
ALEX (GUARD)
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!
ALEX
The guards – the one that’s next to Bertie, from the bellow, literally falls over prone. Just – in the water, just –
ALEX (GUARD)
Ahhhhh!
ALEX
(mimicking falling noise) Psssshhhhh.
[SFX: WATER SPLASHING]
[PLAYERS LAUGH]
ALEX
The one who got stabbed in the back is terrified and just screams,
ALEX (OTHER GUARD)
Ghosts! GHOOOOOOOOOSTS!
ALEX
One of the dogs hears the whistle and faces the complete wrong direction, having got a 1 in its initiative. And the other dog turns and… this is not in its turn but I’ll do it anyway…
[DICE ROLLS]
BEN
Makes a terrifying Will save for quiche!
ALEX
Fails its Will save –
BEN
Nice.
ALEX
– and just goes, (trembling) “Keeeeeeeesh…” Doesn’t go for it yet until its turn, it’s just noticed it and is entranced.
BEN
Transfixed by quiche.
ALEX
Sasha, you’re up again.
LYDIA
I’m going to stab this dude twice!
BRYN
Yeah you are!
ALEX
Take both attacks with all of the bonuses in the world.
LYDIA
I need to roll to hit, right?
BEN
2 times to hit.
[DICE ROLLS]
LYDIA
A 14 and that’s a 5, which…
ALEX
That would be a 6.
LYDIA
Yeah. So 15 and a 6.
ALEX
One of them hits, so you get your…
LYDIA
Right, cool.
BRYN
You’re getting flanking as well. Like, you’re getting lots of bonuses, but the 5 probably still isn’t good enough.
ALEX
Yeah, it’s close but isn’t quite enough.
LYDIA
Right. (power-up noises as she shakes dice) Rrrrrrr…
[DICE ROLLS]
LYDIA
Ooh, 8!
ALEX
He’s down! He’s down.
LYDIA
Yay! I killed a dude. Well, not killed, I knocked him down.
ALEX
He’s near death. Tell you what: describe the blow for me.
LYDIA
Fortunately no one, I think, is looking her straight in the face because it is quite an ugly grin.
[SNICKERS]
Stabbing delight, as… she’s run across and shanked this guy very quickly beneath some ribs – which did some damage but it didn’t go the whole the way down. When she saw him jump up without really paying attention to her, it’s immediately (stabbing noise) fwoop, fwop, under his thick leather jacket.
ALEX
Precision, that’s what it is.
LYDIA
Yeah.
ALEX
Hamid, you’re up. One of them is already down.
LYDIA
(whispering) Blood everywhere.
BRYN
I am going to hold my action.
ALEX
Good call. Bertie, you’re up.
JAMES
I’m going to hack at the prone man.
[PAINED LAUGHTER]
ALEX
Not even offering him surrender.
JAMES
Nah.
ALEX
Just hacking. Go for it. Give me the roll.
SASHA
Wait! Maybe we can ask them about what’s going on inside!
[DICE ROLLS]
JAMES
I hack at the prone man.
[RESIGNED LAUGHTER]
7 plus…
ALEX
It’s a hit. I don’t –
BRYN
With all the bonuses.
[OVERLAPPING AGREEMENT]
ALEX
It’s a hit. It’s so stacked against them.
JAMES
So damage roll is D10 plus 3.
BEN
So this is what happens when we get the drop on people.
[DICE ROLLS]
JAMES
6 plus 3 is 9.
ALEX
9. He’s still alive and not unconscious…
JAMES
Just screamin’.
ALEX
But he has just been attacked by a living statue of creepy origins that doesn’t seem to be human. Just going, (panicking bubbling noises), and just took a sword to him.
JAMES
I’ve taken a good slice off his leg.
ALEX
Zolf, you’re up.
BEN
Right. Put my trident – just drop my trident to the side. Grab the guy in the water that’s just been attacked by Bertie. Pull him out, shouting:
ZOLF
Stay down and you won’t be hurt!
ALEX (GUARD)
(panicked deference) Okay, sorry, uh, uh, sir, sorry!
BEN
And if I can get him out I’ll just basically lean in with my shield, just keep him down.
ALEX
Sure. Meanwhile, the first dog that couldn’t figure out where it was proceeds to trot off looking for a quiche that it couldn’t discern, because it’s an idiot and rolled a natural 1.
BEN
Silly dog! The quiche is different…
ALEX
The other one, which got its initiative roll – which wasn’t particularly good anyway – and then did a cripplingly awful Will save against eel quiche, proceeds to go over and just nom on some quiche.
LYDIA
I look back and, like…
SASHA
(mournfully) I wanted that quiche.
ALEX
At which point I’m going to call an end to combat because…
BRYN
I’m going to ask Bertie to come over and help me with the dogs, because he has Handle Animal!
JAMES
I do have Handle Animal, yeah.
ALEX
Oh, yeah, you can totally use it now. So…
BRYN
This is the time, Bertie!
ALEX
So one of them is down and appears to be bleeding out, should you decide to stop it. The other one is just pinned down going,
ALEX (GUARD)
(whimpers) Sorry! Ahhhh! Sorry!
ALEX
He’s not doing anything. One of the dogs is wandering off and another one is chowing down.
ZOLF
Alright, Sasha, if you get over here, keep this guy subdued, I’ll get the other one.
LYDIA
I walk around?
ALEX
Sure.
BRYN
Make him drop his weapons.
BEN
Sure, yes.
LYDIA
Yeah. I lean on the shield and I hold the knife to his throat.
BEN
Nice, and I’ll kick the sword out of his hand…
ALEX
He’s… he’s already thrown his sword away, going,
ALEX (GUARD)
Sorry! Sorry, sorry, sorry –
LYDIA
Actually I’ve got… what have I got, do I have rope? Yeah. I want to tie him up.
BEN
Yeah, that’s doable.
LYDIA
We’ll pass there and you’ve got rope, so you can hand me some.
BEN
Yeah, I’ll hand you some.
LYDIA
I start tying up his hands…
ALEX
We’ll say that you take 10 because the guy is not going to be struggling.
BEN
I will go to this guy and…
LYDIA
And I gag him.
BEN
…just stabilise him.
ALEX
Yeah, he’s stabilised but unconscious, very, very – as in, having done the maths, INCREDIBLY close to death but stable now.
BEN
Drag him around to his friend. Or associate, I suppose.
ALEX
Yeah, and the one dog that was wandering off has started turning around and coming back.
BRYN
I will attract his attention with the eel pie.
LYDIA
Ooh, (baby-talking) who’s a good doggie? Who’s a good doggie?!
ALEX
Sure. Bertie, what are you doing?
JAMES
I’m going to talk to the one that’s already chowing down on the quiche.
BERTIE
Hello! Who’s a good boy? Who’s a good boy? You’re a good boy! Hello. Ooh, (incomprehensible burbling of affection) muh-muh-muh-muh.
ALEX
Okay, give me a Handle Animal check.
JAMES
Can I take twice as long to –
ALEX
Yes, you can –
JAMES
– Pomp –
ALEX
You can Pomp and Pageantry a dog.
[LAUGHTER]
I will allow this, as broken as it is, because what you’re doing… I’ll rule that what you’re doing is you’re making yourself look the most alpha of all the people it could ever encounter.
JAMES
That’s what I’m going. So I’m at plus 5 for this.
[DICE ROLLS]
14. 19.
BRYN
Plus 1 for pomp and pageantry!
JAMES
Oh yeah, plus 1. 20.
ALEX
What are you trying to make it do?
JAMES
So I am trying to tame the dog, make it be our lovely friend. Because its previous master clearly was rubbish, so I want to make it…
LYDIA
Cor, so we keep the dog.
BEN
Are you going to turn into Bertie Doolittle?
JAMES
A little bit.
BRYN
We might have to tie them up over here while we…
JAMES
Yeah, keeping the dog distracted and playing with it and trying to transfer its loyalty away from a slightly rubbish master through simple acts of kindness.
LYDIA
Aw… Like stabbing its master.
JAMES
Like stabbing its master. Yeah.
ALEX
So having looked it up briefly, the Handle Animal thing is a bit obtuse when it comes to getting hostile guard dogs or whatever on your side. That said, I will totally allow it with the 20. This massive bull mastiff proceeds to go floop onto its back and just be –
ALEX (DOG)
(dog noises) Ruhhhhh-ruh-ruh.
BERTIE
Who’s a good boy? Who’s a good boy? (dog noises back) Ruh-ruh-ruh, you are!
ALEX (DOG)
Ruh-ruh-ruh.
BERTIE
You are! Ruhhhh-ruh-ruh-ruh. You are!
ALEX
The other one starts coming back, and it may go either way. You can’t tell if it’s going to be hostile or not yet.
JAMES
Can I attempt a similar thing on that, just to sort of calm it down?
ALEX
Sure, yeah.
[DICE ROLLS]
JAMES
12. I don’t think I’ll bother with the…because he’s advancing quickly so I wouldn’t have the time to…
ALEX
You wouldn’t have the Pomp and Pageantry.
JAMES
12 plus 5 is 17.
ALEX
17. The other one comes over too. It’s not nearly as enamoured with you, but nonetheless it proceeds to sit down with its friend and just start munching on an eel quiche. But the first one is a little bit besotted.
JAMES
Okay.
ALEX
A little bit besotted.
BERTIE
You are! You are! (dog talking noise) Muh-muh-muh-muh.
ALEX (DOG)
Muhhh-muh-muh-muh.
BERTIE
Muh-muh-muhhh-muh. Say sausages.
ALEX (DOG)
Muhhh-muhhh-muh-muh.
BERTIE
Muh-muh-muh-muh. Sausages.
BEN
This is some riveting –
LYDIA
For the listeners at home, we cut 10 minutes of this!
BEN
We actually went home and came back, and they were still doing this.
LYDIA
They’re still – guys, are you okay?
JAMES
There’s a week-long break between episodes, just doing this.
BEN
So, yeah, dump his friend down and leaving you very handily with knife to throw –
LYDIA
(victorious hiss) Yeahhhh!
BEN
Just step on his hand that’s protruding through the weaponry and just press down and say,
ZOLF
(cheerfully) So!
BEN
Using my dwarven heaviness.
ZOLF
Who do you work for?
ALEX (GUARD)
(slightly strangled) Er – Serpentines.
ZOLF
Serpentines.
ALEX (GUARD)
Yeah! Yeah.
ZOLF
Yeah, have they been getting up to anything recently?
ALEX (GUARD)
Yeah!
ZOLF
Yeah? What have they been getting up to?
ALEX (GUARD)
Loads of stuff.
ZOLF
Loads of stuff?
ALEX (GUARD)
Yeah.
ZOLF
Any particular stuff? Maybe in Upper London?
ALEX (GUARD)
Oh yeah. Loads of stuff.
ZOLF
Okay.
ALEX (GUARD)
Anything that you want.
ZOLF
Anything that I want? That’s actually not what I want.
[LAUGHTER FROM PLAYERS]
ZOLF
I want you to give me specifics. Now, what’s the most recent thing they did? Say, yesterday. No, the day before yesterday.
ALEX (GUARD)
Oh, loads of stuff. Um, oh, ooh, my memory is going? (nervous laughter) Ha…
BEN
Just press down on his hand.
ALEX
I’m going to get you to do an Intimidate check. If anyone wants to aid, do so now, you’re not each going to get your own Intimidate check.
BEN
Yeah, go for it.
LYDIA
I will. I have a knife at his throat. The two people with Charisma bleh…
BEN
I think we’re getting bonuses, but, uh.
JAMES
I feel like I should lend a hand, but I’m busy with the dogs, so.
ALEX
You’re busy making a friend for life.
JAMES
I know.
BEN
Hamid, how about yourself? Are you watching this beautiful –
BRYN
I’m going to come over and be the good cop to your bad cop.
ALEX
So give me the Intimidate. So…
[DICE ROLLS]
LYDIA
9 minus 1.
ALEX
Okay, so that won’t be enough to aid…
[DICE ROLLS]
BEN
And that is 15, all told.
ALEX
15. Let’s give him a counterroll.
[DICE ROLLS]
He is not intimidated. That doesn’t mean your interrogation has to stop by the way. It just means that he just won’t blab and be incredibly conducive.
LYDIA
I like that Sasha fails to be intimidating while she’s got a knife at the guy’s throat, the person she stabbed multiple times…
ALEX
His attention is elsewhere.
ZOLF
So, alright, your memory’s quite bad, is it?
ALEX (GUARD)
Erm, yeah.
ZOLF
So what could jog that? What could jog that?
ALEX (GUARD)
Oh, you know… freedom?
ZOLF
Freedom, yeah. Money?
ALEX (GUARD)
Ooh, yeah, money. Oh, uh…
ZOLF
Not being stabbed to death with a trident!
HAMID
(interrupting) Hello, hello, hi!
SASHA
Or a dagger. Or a dagger.
HAMID
(reassuring) It’s okay, they’re not going to hurt you, okay? We just need information.
ZOLF
I mean, I’d quite like to hurt him.
SASHA
I might hurt him.
HAMID
Just – give him a second. Let him calm down. (to guard) I know this is stressful for you.
ALEX (GUARD)
(teary) Yeah, no, yeah, yeah.
SASHA
It could be more stressful.
HAMID
So just breathe. Breathe.
ALEX (GUARD)
I would, but there’s a shield.
ZOLF
She’s not that heavy!
ALEX (GUARD)
Okay…
HAMID
Just lean back a little. He’s tied up now. It’s fine.
LYDIA
I lean back a little, but my dagger is still on his throat.
ALEX (GUARD)
Ooh, ow, okay.
HAMID
Just back a touch. Back a touch. Come on, Sasha.
SASHA
I don’t know. I don’t like beards like this, the stubble…
ALEX
She starts shaving him?!
[LAUGHTER]
BEN
Aggressively shaving!
LYDIA
No, I just like taunting him with the dagger.
HAMID
He needs to be able to talk. We just need to let him talk.
SASHA
Okay, a millimetre.
HAMID
Give me 20 centimetres, come on.
SASHA
Twenty…?! A centimetre.
ALEX (GUARD)
Okay, yeah, thanks.
HAMID
Okay, just breathe. We’re not here to hurt you.
LYDIA
I am.
HAMID
We need to know…
ALEX
Okay, can I get you – before you do your wording – to give me the Diplomacy roll? Remember, I’d always rather you roll, then roleplay.
[DICE ROLLS]
BRYN
6, which is a total of I think 13.
ALEX
Okay.
BRYN
Oh, no, 14.
BEN
Not bad.
[DICE ROLLS]
ALEX
And he has rolled poorly. Roleplay it and get what you think is right, and then I’ll give you the count.
LYDIA
(realising) He just really wanted a friend!
HAMID
We’re not here to hurt you, we just need information. Okay? If you don’t know what your group have been up to, just tell us about who’s in the compound. How many people?
ALEX (GUARD)
Oh, uh, well, there’s… there used to be four inside but now there’s three since Guy, erm, yeah… well, I mean. There’s fo– there’s three.
SASHA
Three people, or three guards?
ALEX (GUARD)
Oh, there’s three people inside.
HAMID
Three people. And what do you know about those people? So what are their names?
ALEX (GUARD)
There’s Guy, there’s Carl, and then… and then, and then there’s his brother Carlton.
HAMID
So Guy, Carl, and Carlton.
ALEX (GUARD)
Er, cos, cos Jeremy left, yeah.
HAMID
Jeremy.
ALEX
Er– Yeah.
HAMID
Okay, when did Jeremy leave?
ALEX (GUARD)
Oh, well, he… he, he, he left when they, you know, when they got back yesterday.
HAMID
Okay. Do you know where they went when they left yesterday?
ALEX (GUARD)
Jeremy?
HAMID
No, before. You say Jeremy left “when they got back.”
ALEX (GUARD)
Oh, yeah, they went for the Sim–…
No. No I don’t.
HAMID
Yes, you do. Come on.
ZOLF
To be quite honest, we did hear the first three letters of that.
ALEX (GUARD)
The Sim…
ZOLF
Yeah?
ALEX (GUARD)
…polmar?
ZOLF
No.
SASHA
(leading) Simuuuu…
ZOLF
Laaaaa… fill us in here?
ALEX (GUARD)
(resigned) …crum.
ZOLF
There we go. Okay.
ALEX (GUARD)
Yeah, no, yeah, yeah. Yeah, they went for the Simulacrum. And then they came back with the stuff.
HAMID
And then Jeremy left?
ALEX (GUARD)
Yeah.
HAMID
So did he take anything with him when he left?
ALEX (GUARD)
Oh, I don’t know. Guy’s gone mad, though. Guy’s proper angry.
HAMID
So Guy and Carl…
ALEX (GUARD)
Oh, Guy’s going to kill me!
HAMID
…and Carlton.
ALEX (GUARD)
Like, actually kill me. I don’t mean he’s going to be annoyed, I mean he’s actually going to kill me.
ZOLF
Mm, mm.
SASHA
Welllllll, why don’t I kill you first?
ALEX (GUARD)
Yeah. No, yeah, good point, yeah.
HAMID
(ignoring this) So where will they be? Where will the three of them be?
ALEX (GUARD)
They’re inside. They’ll be… they’ll be…
HAMID
In the main building?
ALEX (GUARD)
Yeah.
HAMID
Will they all be in the same room?
ALEX (GUARD)
Yeah.
SASHA
How well do they fight?
ALEX (GUARD)
You know, they’re pretty good. They’re like… I wanted to join, and now I don’t. I want to go home.
HAMID
We’ll take you home. Once it’s all done here, we will take you home. You don’t need to worry.
ALEX
Is that a bluff? I’m curious. If it’s not… if you believe it, then…
BRYN
Hamid believes it.
ALEX
Then it’s not a bluff.
ZOLF
How long have you been a member of the Serpentines?
ALEX (GUARD)
Oh, like, a couple of weeks now.
ZOLF
Yeah?
ALEX (GUARD)
ZOLF
Did you know about their plan to get the Simulacrum beforehand?
ALEX (GUARD)
Oh well, I mean, like – Guy gave a speech. It was dead good. Dead good speech.
ZOLF
Do you know how many people they killed to get the Simulacrum?
ALEX (GUARD)
Ye…no. No.
ZOLF
(unconvinced) Mm.
SASHA
What was his speech about? What does he think it can do? What does he plan to do with it?
ALEX (GUARD)
He doesn’t plan to do anything.
SASHA
Right.
ALEX (GUARD)
Well now because that’s the point, innit? You know, it’s like… you get rid of the devices that are taking the places of people, you know, up top, and that – and that way, like, you know…
HAMID
(over guard’s head) Probably a zealot or a fanatic?
ALEX (GUARD)
…like, the power comes back to us, you know? You’re an Under Londoner, I can tell!
SASHA
(sasrcastic) Yeah, like there was so much power here before they managed to make those machines.
ALEX (GUARD)
That’s the point, right, because it was like, the machines that did the flood, weren’t it. So like, if you get rid of the machines then everything goes…
HAMID
What’s your name, friend?
ALEX (GUARD)
I’m… I’m… hang on. I’m not an idiot.
[A VERY LONG PAUSE]
Bob.
HAMID
Okay, “Bob.”
ALEX (“BOB”)
Right, yeah, Bob.
ALEX
He gives a sort of grin where he may actually genuinely believe he got away with that. He is not a sharp one.
HAMID
So, Guy’s the leader, is he?
ALEX (“BOB”)
Yeah.
HAMID
Okay, and what type of weapon does he use?
ALEX (“BOB”)
All of them. He’s got those throwing things, and, like…
HAMID
So, they throw fire flasks. He throws fire flasks.
ALEX (“BOB”)
Yeahhhh! Yeah. He’s got loads of them. Loads of them, and he’s got magical stuff, but I don’t know what, though.
SASHA
Do you know what kind of deal that these Serpentines have done to, because… there’s only, what, three of you? There’s no way that he did this attack. Why did Barrett bring us here?
HAMID
Thank you very much, “Bob.” We’re going to have to go and deal with the others.
ALEX (“BOB”)
Alright, yeah.
HAMID
We’re going to leave you here, tied up –
ALEX (“BOB”)
(immediate) Take the statue with you!
HAMID
He’s coming with us.
ALEX (“BOB”)
Alright.
HAMID
But once it’s all done, we’re going to come back for you, and we’re going to make sure that you’re safe.
ALEX (“BOB”)
(strong emphasis) I promise I will be here waiting.
ZOLF
You’ll be tied up, so you will be here waiting.
ALEX (“BOB”)
Oh, come on now. I can wait while I’m untied.
BRYN
I’m just going to turn around and whisper to you –
HAMID
Knock him out.
SASHA
Wait – wait, is there anything else about the compound? You’ve told us… so Guy, he’s a good fighter.
ALEX (“BOB”)
Mm.
SASHA
And the others, nothing, they’re just…
ALEX (“BOB”)
So you’re just going to leave me here tied up, like, on my own.
ZOLF
We’ll be back.
SASHA
(unconvincingly) Yeah.
ALEX (“BOB”)
But what if you’re not – back?
SASHA
Would you like me to do anything else to you before–?
ALEX (“BOB”)
Traps! They’ve got traps. Yeah, you want to watch out for the traps. They use a lot of tripwires and also, like, they tend to set up alarms and things like that. And Guy uses magic, and also make sure that you come back.
SASHA
How do we… how do we get past these traps? Is there an easy way in?
ALEX (“BOB”)
I… (“I don’t know”) They brought me in because I had my own dog.
SASHA
(“I see”) Right. (beat) Great, okay.
HAMID
Do you have a key to the gate?
ALEX (“BOB”)
Er… he does.
ALEX
He kind of gestures to the other, unconscious one, who’s just (unconscious noise) “unh.”
LYDIA
I search his body for the key.
ALEX
Okay, yeah. I’ll tell you what, we’ll take a break and we’ll cover what you’ve got in a couple of minutes.
LYDIA
Hurray! (singsong) Searching the bodies, woot-woot!
[BREAK]
ALEX
And welcome back. Okay, so given that he obviously seems fairly inexperienced and a bit naff, he’s pretty well-provisioned, actually.
LYDIA
Yay, stuff! I do not necessarily tell the others what I find.
ALEX
Go for it. Give me a Search check on him and that’ll help me determine just how much you find.
BRYN
Perception…
ALEX
If anyone wants to aid, please do so now.
BEN
I’m busy…
[DICE ROLLS]
ALEX
Too late, the roll’s down now.
LYDIA
16.
ALEX
Eh, 16’s actually a decent roll. You find upon him a potion of Cure Light Wounds, a smokestick, a tanglefoot bag. It’s clear to you he’s wearing a masterwork studded leather armour.
LYDIA
Ooooh.
BRYN
Nab it.
ALEX
It is mundane, however…
BRYN
It’s actually going to be difficult to take that off.
ALEX
And would not resize magically to you. So, you could… I’d allow you to get away with it, but it would be quite cumbersome.
LYDIA
I hold it up.
SASHA
Zolf, does this fit you?
ZOLF
Er… no.
LYDIA
Well, I dunno!
BEN
He’s 5 foot 6.
ALEX
It would be trailing on the ground.
LYDIA
I thought it was a belt!
ALEX
No, no, no, this is full studded leather cuirass.
LYDIA
Oh, right, I’m really sorry. To be fair, that is the kind of awkward thing that Sasha would do. “Anyone want this?”
BEN
“What do you think?”
LYDIA
“Oh sorry.”
ALEX
“It’s a lovely dress, I mean, would you like the…”
Okay, he’s got five daggers.
LYDIA
(cheers) Yeahhhh!
ALEX
Especially given that you left one in the marketplace.
LYDIA
Yes, I did.
ALEX
He has a shortsword.
LYDIA
I don’t have any use for it, but I put it to the side so other people can see it.
ALEX
A set of masterwork thieves’ tools.
LYDIA
Cool. 2 times masterwork.
ALEX
Three coppers.
LYDIA
Boom!
BEN
Brilliant. Cha-ching!
LYDIA
I have no money, so to me that’s like…
ALEX
That’s like three days’ rent!
[LYDIA CHEERS]
ALEX
And that’s it. That’s everything he’s got.
LYDIA
Pooh.
ALEX
So presumably you want to know about the smokestick and tanglefoot bag?
LYDIA
Yes please.
BRYN
Yes.
LYDIA
I don’t know anything!
ALEX
Sure. So just explaining it quickly, the smoke stick is another alchemical weapon – they seem to be big on those. Basically it’s a wooden stick that instantly, when used, creates a thick opaque smoke when burned. The smoke fills a 10-foot cube, like a fog cloud, except that it’s moderate or stronger wind dissipates it. So it’s consumed after one round, or the smoke dissipates naturally after one minute.
So – as in, once you throw the stick it gives you a smoke screen. The stick itself is gone in one round and the smoke that it creates, which fills a 10-foot cube, will dissipate in about a minute unless there’s…
LYDIA
How many rounds is that?
ALEX
So, one minute is like, 10 rounds.
LYDIA
Right, good stuff.
ALEX
So out of combat, it’s okay. In combat, it’s pretty darn useful.
LYDIA
Cool.
ALEX
And Bryn, you’ve got the details of the tanglefoot?
BRYN
Yeah, a tanglefoot bag is really cool. It’s like this grenade filled with goo and it sticks people… When you throw the bag, it comes apart and goo bursts out, entangling the target and becoming tough and resilient upon exposure to air.
LYDIA
Is it one-use?
BRYN
Yeah.
LYDIA
(disappointed) Ah.
ALEX
All of these are one-use.
BRYN
It creates… it’s like that high-pressure foam they use which hardens really quickly, and they use it as a restraint thing.
LYDIA
I think both of those are things that I would keep, and I would not necessarily tell people.
BEN
That’s fine, you can choose to do that or not.
LYDIA
Er, although with the health thing, since…
ALEX
Actually, just to cut across, I will spell out: when it’s entangled it takes a minus 2 on all attack rolls, minus 4 to Dexterity, and must make a Reflex save or be glued to the floor. And even if it succeeds its save, it still moves at half speed unless it makes a save, it can’t fly and stuff like that. It can break free with a Strength check or it’d have to slash –
LYDIA
Does it count as flanking them, if they’re tangled? Can I come and –
BRYN
No.
LYDIA
If they’re stuck facing one direction and I come from behind…
ALEX
The thing that you’re thinking – so to get the sneak attack they’d need to lose all of their Dex bonus. What this specifically says is they don’t lose their Dex bonus –
BRYN
It reduces their reflective Dex.
ALEX
– it just gives them a really hard penalty, because they deliberately don’t want rogues to just go “goo, stab, goo, stab, goo, stab.”
LYDIA
Awwwww.
BRYN
Because it doesn’t – although it restricts their movement, it doesn’t make them unaware or you. It’s them being unaware that makes you really good.
LYDIA
Right, cool.
ALEX
So that’s all of the stuff that he had upon him, and you know why you’re going to love me? The other guy had the same.
[LYDIA & BEN CHEER]
And I’m going to assume that you did the search for both. They both had the same equipment.
LYDIA
But that means as well that I have four Cure Light Wounds. I am going to give one of them to Hamid.
BRYN
Thank you.
LYDIA
Because he gave me one.
[ALEX LAUGHS, PRESUMABLY AT THE LOOK ON BEN’S FACE:]
BEN
Actually, I did.
LYDIA
Did you?
BRYN
We both gave you one at different points…
BEN
Ohhhhh, okay! Oh yes.
BRYN
That’s why you had two.
LYDIA
I… only give one to Hamid.
[BEN CACKLES]
ALEX
Okay, so you’re all stocked up with equipment.
LYDIA
Wait, that means I’ve got 3 times masterwork thieves’ tools and I’ve still got the other ones. I’ve got a lot of thieves’ tools. I hold one out to Hamid –
SASHA
Would you like some thieves’ tools?
HAMID
Erm… no?
[ALEX SNICKERS]
ZOLF
(indistinct?)
HAMID
Keep them or we can just sell them back.
ZOLF
Yeah.
LYDIA
Oh, and that was another five daggers, right… oh, four daggers? Five?
ALEX
Yup, you’re drowning in daggers.
LYDIA
I put out an array of daggers.
SASHA
Look how many daggers this one had!
LYDIA
I take one, so I now have 10, but –
SASHA
Anyone want some daggers?
ZOLF
Nope, fair do.
HAMID
No thanks.
LYDIA
I gather up the daggers. I might be encumbered by daggers now.
ALEX
You’ll have to do the maths but I’ll allow you to sort of recon some distribution of…
LYDIA
I’ve got 14 daggers now. (laughing) Oh god!
BRYN
Where are they all?
BEN
They’re not that heavy. I think you’ll probably be alright.
JAMES
It’s like a set of steak knives when you sign up to a life insurance policy.
ALEX
I’ll tell you what, we’ll throw into the bargain that each of them was wearing a belt with sheathes for five daggers.
LYDIA
Cool!
ALEX
And a sword, so you can…
BEN
You’re looking like a Final Fantasy character now.
ALEX
So you can do a dual bandolier across the chest if you want.
LYDIA
Oh my god, yes!
ALEX
Or you could do this kind of stylish, where you wear one belt tightly and then one loose at an angle.
LYDIA
Oh yeah, that is exactly…
ALEX
Like Han Solo, I think?
BEN
That is the Japanese game design look.
[SNICKERING]
LYDIA
But they must be done in such a way that it doesn’t rattle as I move.
ALEX
Oh, of course, I mean there’s a level of professionalism here.
BEN
So once the hoard has been collected…
LYDIA
That’s always assuming that I have enough belts to do all that.
BEN
…I will slam the guy in the head with the butt of my trident.
ALEX
Bonk.
ZOLF
Right, so what do we do with these two?
SASHA
Should we go and…
HAMID
Are they both tied up?
ZOLF
(cheerfully) I don’t know about you, but I’m planning to drown them.
HAMID
What?! You can’t do that!
JAMES
I’m still playing with the dogs at this point, I don’t hear any of it.
ZOLF
Well, I mean, I can.
ALEX
You can choose to enter this conversation whenever you want.
ZOLF
Like, they killed those people.
HAMID
Well, not these people! I mean, part of their group did, but not these specific people.
ZOLF
They work with the organisation. You heard. And I asked him specifically – he knew how many people were going to die in the Simulacrum raid. Right? These people are responsible for those people that died. Eye for an eye, tooth for a tooth. They deserve it.
LYDIA
I shrug.
HAMID
(voice going more and more high-pitched) You can’t… you can’t just drown them after we’ve already beaten them, like… I mean –
SASHA
It’s much easier than doing it before.
HAMID
If you kill someone in a fight that’s one thing, but I mean, they should have a trial! We’ve been hired by the police!
ZOLF
Trial? But it’s fine to kill them in a fight?
HAMID
Yeah! (pause) Like if they’re trying to kill you and you kill them first, that’s one thing, but once the fight’s over you have to deliver them to the authorities!
ZOLF
They’ve already done the deed. They’re responsible for the deaths…
HAMID
Not this person. Like, there’s a difference between “accessory to murder” and “murder”!
BERTIE
Hello chaps! I’ve… look at these lovely chaps, aren’t they – (dog talking noises) muh-muh-muh-muh-muh. Muh-muh-muh-muh-muh.
HAMID
We should tie these guys up too. Do you want to just, like, tie them up to one of these rocks?
BERTIE
What – what, these? The dogs?
HAMID
The dogs, yeah.
BERTIE
Tie dogs… to rocks?
ALEX
One of the dogs is asleep by an eaten eel pie and the other one is just pining after Bertie at his heels, currently.
HAMID
The safest thing to do with them…
BERTIE
(simultaneously) Oh, who’s a pretty boy?
HAMID
(remembering the situation) Erm, Bertie. Zolf thinks we should drown these guards!
BERTIE
Oh, errrrr, well. Is that really necessary?
ZOLF
(calm) They deserve it.
HAMID
(not calm) I disagree!
ZOLF
They deserve it and they will make a fitting tribute to Poseidon.
HAMID
What?!
BERTIE
Steady!
SASHA
Oh, does he give you anything in return for that?
ZOLF
I think you’re all benefitting from it! You seem happy enough that I can do it when I’m healing you. Where do you think that comes from? Hey?
HAMID
I didn’t realise it came from killing helpless people.
ZOLF
Helpless, maybe. Responsible for the deaths of lots of people? Yes!
HAMID
That has to be determined in a court of law!
SASHA
If I hadn’t stabbed them, they’d be stabbing you right now.
ZOLF
Yeah. The only law that I adhere to is the law of my god. And my god demands an eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth. Justice and balance in things. The amount of people that they’ve killed – people that were unaware, people who were just bidding… Now they might have had lots of money, they might’ve been business owners and maybe not very nice peop–
HAMID
That’s not the issue. I don’t – care what the people who died are like. I’m arguing about who’s responsible! This person here, clearly, was not part of the group that actually killed someone.
ZOLF
Was aware of the plan. Is benefitting from the rewards reaped by the plan. Condones the plan. Works for the organisation. There was no subterfuge. I asked him, “Do you know how many people died?” And he went, “Yeah – no.” He is not taking responsibility for the things that he is responsible for.
HAMID
Then he has an opportunity to learn and take responsibility and change. He…
ZOLF
Just because he said he’s sad and he wants to go home?
HAMID
Look! (voice cracking) It’s very possible to do things that you didn’t mean to, that you didn’t agree with, because someone else – bullied you into it or did it without your knowledge!
ZOLF
Being sorry…
BERTIE
(singsong) Ooh, struck a nerve!
SASHA
That is true, Zolf, that is, sometimes…
HAMID
Exactly! EXACTLY!
SASHA
…sometimes people make you do, sometimes circumstance makes you do things –
ZOLF
Being sorry will not bring those people back.
[A LONG PAUSE]
HAMID
I know that. I’m not an idiot –
ZOLF
Fine, fine. No. We’ll wait, alright? We’ll do things your way. Next time, when we have somebody who deserves it, they’re going in the drink.
SASHA
(quieter) Sounds good.
ZOLF
It’s no different from you killing them with some of your magic spells. You’re very happy to fire stuff around, but as soon as you have to think about it, then maybe not so much.
[HAMID MAKES A SOUND, BUT–]
I’m the one who saved those people in that alleyway because those thugs, maybe in retrospect might’ve done, but they didn’t deserve to die. They came to deliver a message. These people are monsters.
SASHA
Well, that’s what they said.
ZOLF
That’s what they said, but that’s what I had to go on.
HAMID
The leaders… the leaders and the murderers inside, they are monsters. We don’t know these people.
ZOLF
Okay, fine, right. Compromise. If we can get those alive, I’ll drown them in the Thames. They will make a fitting tribute, and they deserve it.
HAMID
…Okay.
BRYN
Hamid looks conflicted, as you might imagine.
SASHA
It’s alright, they would’ve killed you.
[ALEX CACKLES]
LYDIA
That’s my attempt to comfort!
ALEX
So… (fascinated by developments) ooh. Ooooooh. So, what happens next? You tell me.
SASHA
(still attempting to comfort) Have you seen how many daggers I’ve got?
[LAUGHTER]
JAMES
Can I just ask quickly, what is the current state of my relationship with the dogs? Can I just bring them with me?
ALEX
One of the dogs is asleep and not particularly concerned by you. The other one is currently at heel.
JAMES
Okay.
BEN
I think one of them has “it’s complicated” on Facebook and the one might be…
JAMES
The other one keeps sending me invites to various games.
BEN
They keep poking you.
JAMES
Don’t want it!
LYDIA
They’re liking some really old photos of you on a beach?
JAMES
Ohhhhh. That topless one of Bertie in Morocco, ugh, it’s creepy! Ough.
LYDIA
That was three years ago. How much did they scroll through?!
JAMES
Longer.
ALEX
And moving on! So you currently have a dog at heel. I’ll leave it to you to decide what to do with it.
JAMES
Well, I’m going to take him with me. I’m not assuming that he’s going to have any skills at this point because he’s an ill-disciplined guard dog from, like, some mongrel bull mastiff?
ALEX
It looks like someone was trying for a bull mastiff.
BEN
They had a good stab at it.
LYDIA
Stab?
JAMES
He looks like he’s a bit of a mess, really. Yeah.
LYDIA
Is he drooling everywhere?
ALEX
I’d say he was like half bull mastiff, half Dobermann, and half Postman’s Leg.
[LAUGHTER]
JAMES
Right, nice. I get the impression that he’s drooling all the time just because that’s how his face is.
LYDIA
Eels are sliding out from between his teeth.
ALEX
He also finds it slightly hard to breathe because his nose is a bit messed up, it’s like, (snorting noise) err-huh, err-huh.
JAMES
But from injury, not from, like, in-breeding or anything?
ALEX
Yeah.
JAMES
I think I take pity on this dog because he’s clearly not very bright. I see a lot of myself in him.
[SNICKERING FROM PLAYERS]
So, this one, he’s not going to have any skills or anything like that but… I want to take him with us, but I feel that he would be an encumbrance in a combat situation, so I might…
LYDIA
Put a lead on him.
JAMES
Yeah, can I make a lead for him? I’ve got adventurer’s kit, which has got rope in it.
ALEX
Yeah, so you’ve used at least one length of rope to tie up both of the guys.
JAMES
I have an adventurer’s kit, so…
ALEX
Yeah, so you’ve got more than enough rope.
JAMES
Yeah, so I…
LYDIA
Do you need any locksmith’s tools for doing that?
[LAUGHTER]
JAMES
So yeah, I make him a little lead and I inspect him to see if he has… I presume he won’t have a collar with his name on it, will he? The other two are unconscious…
ALEX
He does have a collar. And on the collar is…
LYDIA
Is it a spikey one, is it a spikey one?
ALEX
…on the collar is written “Brutor” in chalk. It’s just been chalked on to some…
LYDIA
How big is this chalk board?!
ALEX
Well, someone’s had this chalk and just carefully written the word “Brutor” on its collar.
BEN
That sounds like a seventh generation Pokémon!
ALEX
There’s no… someone looks like they’ve put rubbishy studs on it. Not actually studded it – they’ve got some chunks of metal and just tied them off against it to give him the semblance of a big, scary collar.
JAMES
Right. I’m going to take its collar off.
BERTIE
It’s very “last season.”
ALEX
He licks your face, or at least tries to, as he does it.
BERTIE
Oh! Buba, buba!
JAMES
I’ve got my helmet up at this point, if my helmet’s down. He tries to lick my face, I pull my helmet up.
ALEX
He does lick your face and then proceeds to go a bit weird because of all the polish on your eyes.
[LAUGHTER]
JAMES
It’s an acquired taste. I think at that point I’ve got some of my lovely brandy and I’m going to pour it into my hand and just feed him the brandy.
LYDIA & ALEX
Aww.
BEN
Bonding with a dog.
JAMES
Bonding with a dog, getting him hammered.
ZOLF
So we’re taking it in, yeah?
SASHA
Yeah.
ZOLF
We ready? We got the information…
LYDIA
I’m guessing that we did find the key? I searched the bodies.
ALEX
Sorry, yeah, yeah.
LYDIA
Right. 1 times key.
BEN
What tool… actually, did you make it obvious that you had the tanglefoot bag stuff in the end, or did you not?
LYDIA
No.
ZOLF
Right, so what tools have we got now? So we’ve…
HAMID
We know there might be traps.
ZOLF
We’re now stocked up on health potions, so we’re pretty good for that. There’s going to be traps, which I think is your department, definitely.
SASHA
I’ve got that.
ZOLF
We know that –
HAMID
We know that there’s only three people inside, but one of them might be quite dangerous.
ZOLF
And it’s a magician, they say.
HAMID
Maybe.
ZOLF
He’s magic. They have more oil flasks. We can lob an oil flask through the window, we might just… burn them up!
HAMID
Do we have like, anything that can disorientate them, or…
ZOLF
Do we have another thunderstone?
SASHA
I’ve got one. I’ve got a thunderstone.
ZOLF
Excellent.
HAMID
If we could throw one through the window, that could be effective.
BERTIE
Just a thought, chaps – if the building’s on stilts, who’s to say that it has to stay on stilts?
ZOLF
True.
ALEX
Just to jump in, the building that Sasha saw with the lights on was one of the actual, still-standing stone buildings where they’re just on the first floor. There was a shed which was on stilts, which appeared to have been made later out of some manky-looking wood, but the actual building that she saw the lights on was the proper…
JAMES
Proper brick-stone building, okay.
BEN
I like the idea that we’re just going through and Bertie’s like, “yup,” knocks down the shed and is like, “Yeees! I like it!”
SASHA
Well, I could try and climb up and throw the thunderstone through.
ZOLF
The only thing is we won’t be able to get there in time because we’ll also have to get through all the traps. I think a stealthy approach: when we find the room they’re in, throw it through the door.
SASHA
Gotcha.
HAMID
Okay, that sounds like a good plan.
ZOLF
And then we can rush them before they can get any silly stuff on.
HAMID
Okay.
LYDIA
Okay, before going into a full-frontal assault or whatever it was, stealthy one. I want to top up my 2 hit points that I’m still… I think I might, I could either drink a potion or getting a spell.
BRYN
Two zero level spells would be quite efficient, and not that useful in other situations.
BEN
Yeah, I’ll just…
LYDIA
I’ve got still a bit of stabbing left from that last thing, is there… do you need your spells, or is that–?
BEN
No, it should be alright. I’m just considering which ones to get rid of because I’ve got Detect Poison… I think it’s Stabilise or Create Water. I think my Heal check is good enough to not have to worry.
LYDIA
There’s a ton of water around.
BEN
But if the building’s on fire I can’t get the Thames out.
LYDIA
Ohhh, true.
BEN
I’m now paranoid about fire because of Alex’s inferno encounter. So, I will get rid of… I will burn the Detect Poison and Stabilise.
LYDIA
Cool! Back on 10.
ALEX
I’m going to poison all of you and no one’s going to be stable! (laughs evilly)
BRYN
So, technically characters don’t know about hit points.
LYDIA
Right. I’ve got some wounds, basically.
BRYN
But a cleric with a Heal check can assess how badly hurt you are, and so that’s the workaround for it.
BEN
Would you like me to do an assessment?
ALEX
Honestly I’d rather accelerate the game because your Heal’s that high it’s kind of immaterial. I would just say something like, if you ever need a heal, rather than saying “I need 2 Heal,” just go up and say –
LYDIA
“This hurts!”
ALEX
“I feel dodgy,” and then he’ll just effectively know.
LYDIA
Gotcha.
ALEX
Unless you have something quite obscure, in which case – say, if you were poisoned with a hallucinogen or something. Obviously I wouldn’t get you to go, “I have some kind of hallucinogen in me.”
JAMES
“Cleric, cleric, it hurts when I touch my arm, it hurts when I touch my leg, it hurts when I touch my nose…”
ALEX
That’s because you’re a zombie!
JAMES
(simultaneously) “That’s cos your finger’s broken!”
LYDIA
Your hand’s broken!
JAMES
Yeah!
BRYN
That’s because you’ve had Malekith’s Eternal Pain cast upon you!
[LAUGHTER]
ALEX
Welcome to a brave new world!
BEN
Pathfinder GPs!
ALEX
You know what? I think I’m going to call it there, and you guys know what you are going to do, you’ve got a plan. You know what you’re going to do. You’re going to sweep in and…
LYDIA
I’m going to stab so many people!
[THE RUSHING SOUNDS OF THE RIVER FADE AWAY]
BRYN
Now you mentioned earlier – I don’t know if you mentioned it on recording but you said that overnight, while we slept last night, we all levelled up.
ALEX
Yes, that is true!
BRYN
So also we’re going to, before our next actual live session where we record the next few episodes, we’re all going to have to level up our characters and be LEVEL TWO!
[CHEERING]
LYDIA
Bureaucracy!
ALEX
That’s insane!
Yeah, so we’ll get back on that one, and we’ll definitely spend a bit of time at the start of the next episode discussing it. So! I’ll tell you what, Bryn, use your announcer voice to send us off.
BRYN
(announcer voice) Tune in next week for more exciting tales from Rusty Quill Gaming!
[EVERYONE CHEERS LIKE A CANNED STUDIO AUDIENCE]
[PAUSE, THEN LAUGHTER]
[Show Theme – Outro]
ALEX
Rusty Quill Gaming is a podcast distributed by Rusty Quill and licensed under a creative commons attribution, non-commercial share alike 4.0 international license. Today’s episode was directed by Alexander J Newall and produced by Hannah Preisinger. To subscribe, buy merchandise, or join our Patron, visit rustyquill.com. Rate and review us online. Tweet us @therustyquill, visit us on Facebook, or email us at mail@rustyquill.com. Join our community on Discord, or via Reddit at r/rustyquill. Thanks for listening.
[Show Theme – Outro Ends]
ALEX
Test, test. Test, test. (singsong) Beep, bap a doop-boop boo, do skooba boo. (normally) Right, okay, Lydia.
LYDIA
(singing) I can’t do… those beepy-boopy-doop things!
ALEX
And Ben.
BEN
(laughing) I can do those a-beepy-boopy-doop things. (singsong) A-beepy boopy doopy-doop. A doopa-beep-beep.
ALEX
Right, Bryn.
LYDIA
Aww.
BRYN
A-shoowap doo-wap booooo.
ALEX
And James?
JAMES
(singing) Give me a kiss to build a dream on, and my imagination will…
Do I have it right on that case? I think that…
ALEX
(whispers, laughing) That’s fine.
ALEX
…And we’re coming to you from London, England and playing in London, England. Now I think about it, I never realised…
ALL OTHER PLAYERS
Whoaaaaaaaaa!
JAMES
How deep does this rabbit hole go?!
BEN
Maybe the game isn’t the game, maybe we are the game…
JAMES
Maybe we’re the players in the game, we’re being played by – there’s a paladin and a cleric and we’re all sat around a table in a castle somewhere, and we’re playing this real-life game…
BRYN
Stop. No recursing.
[JAMES & BEN GROAN, LAUGHTER]
ALEX
Take the red pill and you’ll find yourself at a table and it’s really sweaty… Okay.