[SHOW THEME – INTRO]
ALEX
Hello and welcome to episode 14 of the Rusty Quill Gaming podcast. We are coming to you from London, England, and I am Alex Newall, your host and GM. And with me as always, for better or worse, I have:
JAMES
James Ross.
BRYN
Bryn Monroe.
BEN
Ben Meredith.
LYDIA
Lydia Nicholas.
ALEX
And who are you playing?
JAMES
Sir Bertrand McGuffingham, half-man, half-man, half-man.
[BEAT]
BRYN
Sorry, I’m distracted by the terrible maths.
[LAUGHTER]
I’m playing Hamid, the halfling sorcerer.
BEN
Zolf, a dwarven cleric of Poseidon.
LYDIA
Sasha, antiques appraiser and knife fancier.
[LAUGHTER]
ALEX
However, given that we’ve just levelled in between weeks, you’re also a bit of a bomb fancier if I understand.
LYDIA
Ooh, yes.
JAMES
Just stroking a bomb under there. With the fuse.
LYDIA
Yeah, I’m like a bomb whisperer. (fondly) “Alright, little bomb.” (normally) It’s all about dominance, but in a situation of trust.
ALEX
Well, you can’t anger the bomb.
LYDIA
No.
JAMES
Yeah. It’s very important that one of you is in charge, and you both know who that is.
LYDIA
Yeah.
ALEX
And instead of…
BRYN
Stop worrying and love the bomb.
LYDIA
Exactly! Stop worrying and love the bomb.
ALEX
And instead of a shoutout, I’m going to tell everyone that I had my first jellied eel!
[CHEERING]
I ate it yesterday, it was amazing.
LYDIA
They are delicious.
ALEX
I genuinely now actually recommend to everyone jellied eels as a thing.
JAMES
You big Cockney man.
ALEX
Oh, they’re great!
LYDIA
Did you like the jelly? Because as an actual Cockney, I still can’t eat the jelly. I really like the eel bit…
ALEX
I could eat the jelly, but it was all about the eel for me.
LYDIA
It’s all about the eel.
ALEX
It was all about the eel. I also reckon it would go well with mustard. So I think…
LYDIA
Yeah?
ALEX
I think I called that in the episode earlier. But to repeat, yeah, we did do some levelling up. I do still intend us to really have a talk about levelling up and picking character routes and things, but honestly, between level one and level two it’s so very straightforward that it’s just not worth your time.
BRYN
We’ll do one for level three, maybe level four when it’s interesting.
LYDIA
Speak for yourselves. Speak for yourselves, guys, I got bombs, so…
ALEX
So Bryn, if you can run through quickly the default things that will happen, and then we’ll go round and say what everyone got individually as an extra.
BRYN
So I believe everyone’s base attack bonus went up by one.
[CHEERING ALL AROUND]
Most of us got an increase to a single save. We all obviously got a few hit points. Some of us got lots of skill points – looking at Lydia…
LYDIA
Yayyyy.
BRYN
Some of us got a couple of skill points.
JAMES
I fell over.
BEN
Some of us got – three.
[LAUGHTER]
BRYN
Yes.
ALEX
And that said, obviously a couple of you got the chance to pick some feats or an extra spell, say, things like that. So I’m just going to go around quickly and just get everyone to talk to me about what you did when you levelled, and then we’ll get into the game.
So starting with… let’s start with you, James.
JAMES
I took Weapon Focus: Bastard Sword.
ALEX
Shocker.
JAMES
Which is – (laughs) Exactly. It’s just Bertie just staring at it for hours going,
BERTIE
URRGGHHHHHHHHH!
[LAUGHTER]
BERTIE
REALLY FOCUSED! URRGHHHHHHHH!
ALEX
Yep. And all that is doing is it’s specialising, sort of, and it just makes you better. It gives you a plus one bonus.
BRYN
Yeah, plus one to hit with a bastard sword. But as with many of Bertie’s feats, it leads on to greater things in the future.
ALEX
And Bryn, yourself?
BRYN
Well, Bertie also got the class feature Bravery.
ALEX
Oh, yeah!
BRYN
Which means his terrible Will save is not quite as terrible if someone is making him afraid.
[LAUGHTER]
JAMES
If somebody is trying to terrify me, I’m fine. If somebody has offered me biscuits, it’s not going to go so well.
ALEX
Sure. So yeah, James obviously got Bravery. And moving onto you, Bryn?
BRYN
(resigned) I got precisely no class features, feats, or abilities whatsoever.
ALEX
Woo!
BRYN
I got to add a new zeroth-level spell to my list of spells.
ALEX
Also known as a cantrip, for people who were wondering.
BRYN
Yes, cantrip.
JAMES
Don’t worry, Bryn, you’re already perfect.
[SOUNDS OF JAMES PATTING BRYN COMFORTINGLY]
BEN
Aww.
BRYN
Awww… thank you for lying so beautifully.
[LAUGHTER]
I took Read Magic, which again is incredibly dull as a spell but occasionally useful.
ALEX
It’s one of those ones that you really, really need to have, and… no one has ever been enthused by Read Magic, really.
JAMES
What does it do?
ALEX
It allows him to read magical spells that are written down.
JAMES
Oh. To be fair, the clues were all there…
[LAUGHTER]
BRYN
One feels you could have worked that out.
JAMES
Yeah – yeah…
BRYN
You’re the kind of person who walks into a kitchen and asks where the forks are without checking the very obvious one and only drawer.
JAMES
(overlapping) Drawer. Yeah…
ALEX
Yup, yup. Ben?
BEN
Again, very similar, I didn’t do much. I got some extra slots because I work a little bit differently as a cleric, in that I have access to all “orisons,” which is what they call their zeroth-level spells. But to let people know – I won’t get it until I meditate again, but I’m going to be going with Burning Disarm for tomorrow.
ALEX
Ooh!
BEN
Because that’s quite good. And Spark is my orison.
JAMES
What does Burning Disarm do?
BEN
Makes a lump of metal really hot.
JAMES
Right.
ALEX
Makes you want to drop your things.
BRYN
So (inaudible) will have to drop it.
JAMES
Ohhh.
LYDIA
Does it work for anything, so like, if I have a stick?
BEN
It has to be a weapon. So any weapon that someone is holding, or an unattended lump of metal up to 15 pounds.
JAMES
(snickering) “Unattended.”
BEN
Unattended, yes.
LYDIA
That’s just sitting there! Unloved. Its mum has left it.
[LAUGHTER]
BRYN
Can you use it to turn just something into a hot plate?
BEN
I – imagine you can…
BRYN
I don’t see why not.
BEN
(remembering) Oh no, no, no. It goes away, for one – it goes away almost instantly. It just heats up for one round and then goes away again. But you could maybe flash fry something with it.
[SNICKERING]
ALEX
And Lydia, yourself?
LYDIA
Yeah, so I got some hit points. I got twelve skill points, but I’ve just put them in the same slots I had so I’m just better at everything.
ALEX
Mhm.
LYDIA
And yeah. I decided that after looking at all of the rogue…
BRYN
Incredibly long list.
LYDIA
Incredibly long list. And there are so many things that I’m sure are – it’s so complicated, but I thought – at the moment we’re drowning in bombs, and Sasha likes making things, so she is going to learn to make bombs.
BRYN
Yeah.
ALEX
I’m not surprised that this is the way things went. To spell out for listeners, by the way, rogues have a thing where one of their features is they get to pick a “rogue talent.” What that really is, is rogues have their own extra list of feats, sort of.
BRYN
They’re not quite as powerful as feats, but…
ALEX
Yeah. They are slightly less powerful. So what you end up with is, rogues get a lot of extra rogue talents. One of which is – yeah, you get bomb making, and…
BRYN
It’s a horrendous list, though, because not only is it incredibly long, but some of the options on it are picked from this other really long list.
LYDIA
Yeah. I could take ninja tricks, I could – there’s alchemist-y things…
BRYN
Isn’t one of them just taking a combat feat?
LYDIA
Yes, yeah, and I can get all combat feats.
BRYN
Which, again, is possibly the longest list of all.
ALEX
Yeah.
LYDIA
So a bomb – I get three a day because it’s my INT bonus. It doesn’t scale.
ALEX
It will scale when your INT goes up, but it doesn’t increase relative to…
LYDIA
Oh, I didn’t know the INT went up?
ALEX
Yeah, it can do, if you were to, say, get some inherent bonuses. A god could come along and go, “I really like you, Sasha, I like the way you roll. Here’s another plus four to your INT.”
BEN
Basically, butter Alex up, and you’ll get more stats.
LYDIA
Cool. Yeah, and it does my sneak attack damage, but I can throw it in people’s faces and I thought that would be nice.
ALEX
Mhm.
BRYN
You also got the class ability Evasion.
LYDIA
Oh, yes, yes.
ALEX
Ooh, that’s a good one.
LYDIA
So I dodge stuff, I assume, or Evade.
BRYN
Basically dodging fireballs and stuff. Most people when they dodge successfully still take half damage. You take none!
LYDIA
Ohhh… So I read that and I did not understand it. I thought that it was only if things do half damage, I get to avoid.
ALEX
No, no, no. It’s this brilliant thing where if Bryn’s fireball accidentally goes off and deals, you know, 10d6 to everyone – we always used to…
JAMES
(singsong) One dayyyyy!
[SNICKERING]
ALEX
I always used to have it described to me as, you enter Rogue Space. You step sideways and then sidle out of the world for a couple of moments. The explosion goes off, and then you sidle back in.
BEN
So basically you get to be Link?
ALEX
Sure! Yeah, yeah!
BEN
The Link in, what is it, A Link Between Worlds?
LYDIA
I was thinking more Fez.
BEN
Or Fez, yeah.
ALEX
See, I always thought it was like the crawstep from the Nac Mac Feegle in the Terry Pratchett books. You just do a little bit of a wiggle and then you’re out of the area for a while, and then you come back. (laughing) Anyway –
LYDIA
(advertising voice) What about listeners at home? Do you have any instances of people hiding behind dimensional space?
ALEX
(advertising voice) If you do, get on our dedicated forum, where we’ll have a thread dedicated to hiding in extra-dimensional spaces.
LYDIA
Write it on a postcard, and just look at it.
[LAUGHTER]
ALEX
Right, I think that’s quite enough preamble. So we’ll do a quick recap for listeners at home, but obviously the story is starting to get a bit longer, so it’s going to be a bit of a fly-by-wire.
The Simulacrum was stolen and/or destroyed, later found to be definitely in bits. The party got sent back down into Other London to find the people that did it via a quick sidestep through one of Sasha’s old friends, who made a quick deal which Hamid, potentially foolishly, accepted.
BRYN
I’m a halfling. If there a cursed magic ring, we all know where it’s going to be.
[UPROAR OF LAUGHTER]
ALEX
So after…
BRYN
(choking up) I’m just as beautiful as Elijah Wood!
[LAUGHTER]
JAMES
On the inside.
ALEX & LYDIA
(pained on Hamid’s behalf) Awww.
JAMES
I thought it was a more plausible claim. Isn’t he a movie star? I don’t know, I’ve never seen the films. Like, I don’t care.
BRYN
I meant in-character –
JAMES
Oh.
BRYN
My character is explicitly beautiful.
JAMES
Right! Fine. Good.
ALEX
You just make valued comments on your co-stars, James, that’s fine.
BRYN
(fake-teary) James doesn’t think I’m pretty.
[SNICKERS]
ALEX
And the party got moved on to a compound which was by the Thames – for some of you the first time you’ve ever seen the river, because it just disappears beneath the glut that is London. And you guys manage to lore (sic) off a pair of guards and their dogs.
JAMES(?)
“Lore”? We dazzled them with our obscure knowledge.
BEN
“Did you know?” “I didn’t! I will come with you, sir!”
JAMES
They call me the Trivia Whisperer. Pub quiz this way, guys, come on in! Come on in!
BEN
We’re just Stephen Fry, dazzling people with our general knowledge.
ALEX
In fairness, Hamid did lure them with the lore of a statue they’d never seen.
BRYN
That’s true.
ALEX
So they all came to investigate, found Bertie stood there all gold-ed up, all glammed up.
[LYDIA SNICKERS, REMEMBERING]
JAMES
To be fair, Bertie probably does look a bit like Stephen Fry. He’s very tall, lots of mottles(?), very keen on Apple products, supports Norwich City… all of this. Yeah. It’s all a backstory, it’s only because they’ve got canaries – they’re birds, you see.
BRYN
True.
JAMES
Anyhow, carry on.
ALEX
So you guys managed to ambush them successfully after having lost that fight earlier in Other London. So you managed to turn things around, and you really got the drop on these guys.
BRYN
I didn’t even really – I literally didn’t need to do anything. I had one action, it was “I wait!” While the rest of you just slaughtered them.
ALEX
I like to think of it as a really calculated wait.
BRYN
Oh, it was. Oh, absolutely.
ALEX
So you, Sasha, Zolf, and then with Hamid playing good cop, managed to interrogate the remaining guard and find out that there are at least three people inside, and that the area had been trapped.
And also then, Zolf had a little bit of a share with everyone…
BEN
I revealed a troubling religious belief.
ALEX
Indeed. Zolf does have a thing about drowning people that he thinks deserve it in the eyes of his god.
BEN
Yeah.
ALEX
I mean, you know, it’s Poseidon. No one said he was nice.
BEN
Playing the executioner.
ALEX
Mmm, a little bit. So the deal that you seem to have struck with the rest of the party was that you would, erm…
BEN
Leave these guys alone because they seemed reasonably not super-culpable, but definitely do it to their leader because he seemed like a real nasty person.
ALEX
So we’re going to pick up exactly after that discussion between Zolf and Hamid. You guys are at the pool with a couple of unconscious guards, a dog that’s laid out, and, ooh, I forgot to mention…
JAMES
(gasps) I’ve got a doggy! I’ve got a doggy. Bertie’s got a doggy called Brutor!
[ALEX MAKES “WURR-WURR-WURR” DOG NOISES]
JAMES
(as Bertie) He’s an idiot and I don’t have time to train him to do anything before this combat.
ALEX
Wurr-wurr-wurr.
JAMES
I wonder if he’s just going to go off and have his own little adventures in the corner, as a comic subplot to the comic relief character, during this combat.
ALEX
I smell a spin-off! Okay, so let’s pick up where we left off.
[SOUND OF DISTANT RUSHING WATER FADES BACK IN]
Go.
SASHA
I’ve got fourteen daggers, can you see, like, I’ve got fourteen.
[BERTIE MAKES MORE DOG NOISES AT BRUTOR]
SASHA
Are you guys still…?
ZOLF
No, I think, I think that’s resolved, right?
SASHA
(overlapping) Fourteen.
ZOLF
Are we good?
HAMID
For now.
ZOLF
For now.
HAMID
I guess.
ZOLF
But we’re agreed?
HAMID
Yeah, I think so.
SASHA
Do you want a dagger?
HAMID
(quiet) No, thank you.
JAMES
Bertie runs back over.
BERTIE
Hello again, chaps! Right, so hitting people with things, shall we?
ZOLF
I think that’s probably a good idea if we get down to business.
HAMID
Yeah.
BERTIE
Now, any traps in the building ahead, young lady?
SASHA
Well, like, that guy just said there would be traps.
HAMID
Yeah, he said there would be three people and some traps.
SASHA
And one of them can do magic and stuff.
ZOLF
Yeah, I think he said the leader – was it Guy?
HAMID
Guy, yeah.
ZOLF
Might do magic. Shouldn’t be too much of a problem.
HAMID
I hope not. (nervously) Heh heh.
Um…
SASHA
So do you want to – we could go around the back, that’s how I usually get in places.
ZOLF
We’ve taken out the perimeter, guys, that was the entire point, so we can just wander up.
SASHA
Right.
HAMID
I think just the front gate. I mean, some of you can climb really well, erm… some of the rest of us can’t.
BRYN
I look pointedly at the two men in large armour, one of whom has one leg.
BERTIE
I’m very good at trying.
SASHA
Right. Alright, well, you do your statue thing, we’ll wheel you through the front gate.
ZOLF
What, a statue delivery?
BERTIE
You three could hide inside me and then when they go to open me, “Whoaaaaaa, adventurers!”
SASHA
(Lydia snickering) It worked surprisingly well last time.
ZOLF
I think “surprising” is the operative word there. So I think we discussed sending you in first to deactivate the traps.
SASHA
Right.
ZOLF
Bearing in mind that –
HAMID
Not to do any confrontation.
SASHA
Loving this plan, yeah.
ZOLF
Bearing in mind that I’m not particularly quiet in my movements. Nor is Bertie, so –
BERTIE
Bored now!
JAMES
And Bertie then marches off in the direction of the front gate. Relatively slowly, but he’s still definitely marching off in the direction of the front gate.
ZOLF
I don’t – I – Bertie, Bertie, come –
HAMID
I think that’s the right idea.
BRYN
I scamper after him.
LYDIA
I’ll just make sure – like, I look at Zolf like, “these idiots,” and then run quietly but I am faster than them.
BERTIE
(singsong) Going off to hit some things, going off to hit some things.
HAMID
Well, we should just wait outside the front gates while Sasha gets rid of any of the traps, you don’t want to explode accidentally.
BERTIE
(disappointed) No.
LYDIA
I want to run up to the front – the side of the wall on the outside. I’m explaining this really badly, but like, basically flat against the wall and sneak up to the door, so that someone looking out over from the top would not see me.
ALEX
Yeah, that’s fine. So you’re pushing yourself up against the wall so that they can’t get a line of sight on you.
LYDIA
Yeah, yeah. And then – so I assume that means I have to cover some ground, but I have covered that before.
ALEX
Honestly, it’s fine. We can skip to: everyone is up against the wall, and Sasha is now making her approach to…
LYDIA
The door.
ALEX
To the main gate.
BRYN
The three of us should be at the corner while Sasha deals with the gate, probably.
ALEX
Yes.
LYDIA
Gonna detect some traps!
ALEX
Go for it, give me a Perception roll.
[DICE ROLLS]
LYDIA
Ah, bad. Okay, so that’s 5 but plus my new additional – so that’s… I can do maths! – 12.
ALEX
12. You detect no traps.
[SILENCE]
LYDIA
…Oh dear.
BEN
It might just mean there are no traps.
LYDIA
Yeah, it could.
ALEX
(delighted) Oh, the eternal, eternal quandary for all rogues everywhere.
LYDIA
Do I have anything long to – prod at the door?
ALEX
Now you’re talking about the thing that you might want to be looking at doing, is…
LYDIA
You want the rogue log. He keeps telling me to get a log.
ALEX
Well, there’s two things that all rogues will enjoy, which is the 10-foot pole for poking things because you’re fairly certain it’s going to explode –
BRYN
It just leads to an arms race between trap manufacturers and pole manufacturers.
[LAUGHTER]
It’s not economically worthwhile in the long run.
ALEX
And then the Rogue Log, which becomes your new best friend, where you just roll it down corridors and see if things snap at it.
LYDIA
Right. I do not have time to detect again, so I guess I’m going to try and open this door!
BRYN
You’ve got the key.
LYDIA
I – yes, with the key.
BRYN
Cos you got it from one of the guards.
ALEX
(overlapping) Because you lifted it from one of the guards, yeah.
LYDIA
I did. So I unlock the door and beckon them over.
ALEX
The door is unlocked.
LYDIA
Hooray!
ALEX
Doesn’t explode.
BRYN
Hooray!
[LYDIA SIGHS IN RELIEF]
ALEX
And everyone becomes beckoned.
BEN
Hurrah! I take the Beckoned condition.
[LAUGHTER]
ALEX
Yep, very good.
BEN
Yes, I stump over.
ALEX
Okay, so you’re all now beside Sasha and the gate is open.
BEN
Lovely. So…
LYDIA
I peer round, I guess. Perception checks?
ALEX
Yeah, if you can give me a Perception check. Unless you want to do the Scooby Doo thing of four heads poking around the gate at the same time?
JAMES
“Boink, boink, boink, boink!”
LYDIA
I think we absolutely should.
BEN
We do have the heights!
ALEX
Oh, go on then.
BRYN
We are a nice distribution of heights.
BEN
Alright, let’s do it. We’re gonna Scooby Doo it.
ALEX
Everyone give me a Perception check.
LYDIA
Shall we do it in order of height?
BEN
Yes.
JAMES
Also yes, and I’m only saying this because we’ve got a dog with us…
ALEX
Oh yeah, Scooby is going to be looking around the door.
JAMES
It’s gonna be the Scooby Gang. Is it called the Scooby Gang? Okay, cool.
ALEX
Yeah, yeah, that’s Scooby Gang.
BEN
Oh no, oh no, this has happened!
[LAUGHTER]
BEN
Who do I want to be? (immediately answering his own question) Daphne.
[JAMES CACKLES]
LYDIA
Does the dog get a Perception check as well?
JAMES
I think the dog should have a Perception check. Whether it can then communicate any useful information…
ALEX
The dog will be getting a Perception check.
LYDIA
And if it…
BEN
If it yelps and runs away, we’re like, “Ohhhh.”
[DICE ROLLS]
LYDIA
So in order of height, I think?
JAMES
Definitely me first.
ALEX
And it’s definitely Bertie’s dog, with a roll of 2.
[LAUGHTER]
JAMES
My Perception is 5. So I can tell there are buildings.
ALEX
Yes, there are!
JAMES
Yes. I’ve done well.
LYDIA
Oh right, me. Er, 20.
ALEX
20.
LYDIA
Not a natural 20, but…
ALEX
Yeah. Anyone else?
BEN
That will be me on an 18.
BRYN
18 as well.
ALEX
Sure. So everyone – Bertie, yeah, you see there is a compound. “What have I been told that there is a compound is true, there is a compound, it is here.”
Sasha and everyone else sees three buildings. There is the hut, which is long, low, it appears to be narrow at this end, so it is longer than it is wide. And it is made of wood and is on stilts, it’s a fairly recent build. It looks like it has actually been made fairly well and it wouldn’t have taken a large group of people to necessarily make it, maybe a bit of time.
There are two other buildings.
JAMES
How sturdy are the stilts?
[LYDIA LAUGHS]
ALEX
No no, it’s a fair point. Certainly hackable. They are not heffing great logs, but there are multiple stilts so it’s more a case of – there are, say, twelve stilts holding it up, rather than four with big tree trunk things in each corner.
JAMES
Sure.
ALEX
There are two other buildings, one of which is immediately closest to the gate on the left-hand side. It appears to be in a very bad state of disrepair. It was probably a two-storey building. When you look at it in the context of the larger building, it becomes apparent that it was probably a church and a vicarage. The vicarage is the one that looks to be in very bad repair. Most of the upper floor has gone – there’s a bit, so you could probably, say, go up there and have a look around, but it doesn’t look like you could set up shop there. The ground floor – we have some US listeners: when I say ground floor, I mean the one on the ground floor, when I mean the one above that I mean first floor.
The larger building appears to be a church on closer inspection. You wouldn’t have noticed it necessarily at first from a distance, as most of the steeple’s gone. But the church has two storeys and in addition it has a raised roof, so there might be a loft in there or something similar. But they obviously are both larger than that hut.
ZOLF
(whispering) I’ve got an idea, guys. So if Bertie goes for the hut with stilts, chops them down, collapses it, causes a distraction – while he’s in the yard being big and covered in armour – they’ll run out, try and do stuff. We run in, take them from behind.
SASHA
(also whispering) Why don’t we set it on fire?
ZOLF
We could also do that, but it makes less of a huge crash.
SASHA
(softly) Oh.
ZOLF
What do we think? You wanted to do something, you’re bored, that would be exciting.
BERTIE
(normal volume) Distractions, you say!
HAMID
(also whispering) We should just attack them while they’re not ready. If they hear something they’ll get time to prepare and cast spells and grab bombs and all that kind of thing. We should just get to them as quickly as possible.
ZOLF
That’s fair. Actually, that’s a point, do you – back in the marketplace, didn’t you get hold of a bomb?
SASHA
Yeah.
ZOLF
So you could lob that from the window?
LYDIA
Well, I don’t have a bomb, I have a vial fire flask.
ALEX
Sure. So with the fire flask, the one that you were throwing is a direct hit, it’s not a splash. It will do 1D6 of fire damage.
BRYN
Don’t you still have the thunderstone?
LYDIA
Oh, yes, I do!
ALEX
You do have a thunderstone, which is an area of effect, but it will only deafen them. It will not deal actual physical damage.
BRYN
But it will confuse them and stop them casting spells…
LYDIA
Yes.
ALEX
It will interfere with spell casting. It doesn’t silence the person, but they do take a significant penalty to try and make any kind of magic happen.
LYDIA
I think that would be a pretty good distraction, yeah.
ZOLF
Alright, so do you think we need to clear out the inside of the building outside of that room first and disarm the traps in there so we can rush ‘em, or shall we…?
HAMID
It looks like they are on the second floor. If we can just get to the bottom of the stairs without tipping them off, then you can throw a bomb inside.
SASHA
So like, I could… but then I need both places, right. Because I need to undo the traps and I need to climb up out the outside and throw the thing in?
ZOLF
We’ve got them by surprise. Scout in, come back out and we’ll head in and you throw the bomb.
SASHA
Alright, Sasha saves the day…
LYDIA
(snickering a little) I go into the front door.
HAMID
We’ll stick to the fence. If we move slowly we won’t tip them off, we’ll stick to the fence and we’ll get to the door.
SASHA
Stay out the way while I do the adventurin’.
LYDIA
Right, so, because Sasha has been told that there are traps here and she doesn’t like getting exploded on and she has seen big explosions, she is going to take a Perception check for every single step. But I think maybe that might take a while, so how are we going to play that?
ALEX
Yeah. For a lot of – I’ve known game masters who would require you to search every 5ft square and it makes…
JAMES
Who are these people?
[BEN SAYS SOMETHING UNINTELLIGIBLE]
ALEX
It makes me want to jump off bridges. Let’s not do that. What I’m going to do is, you have said “I am being careful and watching out for traps,” so rather than doing a roll of each one you can just effectively say, yeah.
I’m taking into account that if you run into something that you might run into, I’ll get you to do a roll. What I will do, though, is I will get you to do a roll, say, for the journey across, and depending on that roll, you wouldn’t necessarily know… so if you got a low number on the roll you wouldn’t have even known that you passed the trap, if you get a high number you know where that trap is. Do you see what I mean?
It would be like, I would get you to roll to go across a minefield…
LYDIA
Right.
ALEX
If you rolled high you know where the mines are. If you don’t roll high you don’t know where the mines are.
LYDIA
Okay.
ALEX
But it’s still over a larger area, it’s just to speed it up.
LYDIA
Oh, okay, right.
ALEX
Just ask one thing: are you skirting the wall or are you going through the middle?
LYDIA
I am skirting – oh, yeah, we’re skirting the wall.
BRYN
We’re skirting the wall.
ALEX
Okay, that’s fine. Then give me a single check to get up to the front door of the church.
[DICE ROLLS]
LYDIA
Oh, it’s – it’s still 15.
ALEX
15, sure. You skirt the wall. You do not encounter any traps.
LYDIA
Cool.
ALEX
You do, however, get a glance inside the smaller building – what we’ll call the vicarage – and it appears that there is some kind of stockpile of stuff in there. You can’t really see what.
LYDIA/SASHA
(eyes audibly wide) Ahhh, stuff…
ALEX
But –
HAMID
(hissing) Later!
LYDIA
I think Sasha would have said that under her breath.
[LAUGHTER]
BRYN
I’ve got good perception, I have.
ALEX
Okay, so you make it to the front doors of the church, which are locked.
LYDIA
Ooh, locked.
ALEX
I will get you to do another check to see if the doors are trapped.
LYDIA
Right, yes.
ALEX
Because now you are in.
[DICE ROLLS]
LYDIA
Ooh, so that’s 16. I’m adding the one bonus now, by the way.
ALEX
Yeah, yeah.
LYDIA
So that’s…
ALEX
We should spell out, it was something I hadn’t mentioned earlier for listeners – rogues also add half of their level to all checks for traps and half of their level to all Disable Devices. It hasn’t mattered before now, but as Sasha continues to level up it will matter more and more.
LYDIA
I should say that whilst it barely matters now, I did realise when I was listening back to them that in the first two episodes, close listeners at home might notice that my Perception went up by one in between episodes, and it was just because I was reading the wrong number.
ALEX
We’ll just say you were drunk for the first two episodes.
[JAMES CACKLES]
LYDIA
Yeah.
BEN
It’s alright. The way I’ve been dealing with my cleric stuff is a mess, but it’s going to get better, so – keep those angry emails to yourself!
JAMES
We’re all just drunk all the time, guys. In case anybody is wondering, drinking is cool and it will make you seem more popular and grown up.
ALEX
He says, on the family friendly podcast. So Sasha searches for the traps and gets…?
LYDIA
I do, well… it was, I can do this – it’s 16.
ALEX
16, right.
You detect a trap.
LYDIA
Yay.
ALEX
So as you approach the door, you start carefully prodding the mud in front.
LYDIA
I push everyone back.
ALEX
And you find that there is a loose flagstone on the top step –
LYDIA
Mm!
ALEX
And you discern that it is definitely intentionally loose, and we’ll treat that as a trap.
BEN
Ooh, it’s a classic.
LYDIA
Okay. Do I just roll…
JAMES
Tripping hazard.
LYDIA
Disable Device?
ALEX
Yes.
LYDIA
Okay.
[DICE ROLLS]
Oh gosh. Oh dear.
BRYN
We back up before she rolls.
LYDIA
Yeah, so that’s, it’s a total of… wait, I get another plus one on that as well, don’t I. So that’s 11.
ALEX
11 total.
[LYDIA INHALES THROUGH HER TEETH]
ALEX
So as you go to Disable Device, you start faffing with the stone.
LYDIA
Oh dear…
ALEX
And you start to feel something grinding underneath –
LYDIA
Oh no.
ALEX
And given what you’ve experienced before you’re fairly certain that what they’ve done is propped a very heavy stone directly on top of a thunderstone.
LYDIA
Ah.
ALEX
And the thunderstone is taking the weight of that stone, so that if anyone trod on it the thunderstone would crack and make a loud noise.
LYDIA
Ah ha.
ALEX
Unfortunately your roll wasn’t high enough to disarm the trap.
LYDIA
Oh no!
ALEX
So as you reach down there is a –
[SFX: EXPLOSION]
ALEX
And the stone falls. It doesn’t do any damage to anyone, you’re not deafened because it’s underneath a stone. However, it was a significantly loud noise.
LYDIA
Right. Oh dear.
ALEX
And almost certainly other people have heard that. All of the party definitely heard a loud noise, but you’re not deafened by any stretch.
BEN
When that goes off I will shout,
ZOLF
Chuck the bomb!
LYDIA
Right, and I – okay, so I will try and throw the bomb through the… window!
BRYN
First floor window.
LYDIA
In the first floor window.
BRYN
Roll initiative?
ALEX
I will let you throw the bomb before and then we will go into initiative. Okay?
LYDIA
Right, so I’m lobbing it. It is directly, it is on the first floor.
ALEX
Is this throwing the thunderstone that you had, or is this the fire flask?
LYDIA
This is the thunderstone.
ALEX
Give me an attack roll, make it good.
[DICE ROLLS]
JAMES
15.
LYDIA
So that’s 15, and then…
ALEX
Ooooh, a total of… so your attack bonus?
LYDIA
Is one.
BRYN
It’s the throw – no, it’s the throw… I’ve written that on your sheet now.
LYDIA
Four.
BRYN
Yeah.
ALEX
So it’s…
JAMES
19.
ALEX
19 total.
LYDIA
Yeah.
ALEX
You successfully throw the thunderstone. It smashes through a second-storey window –
[SFX: GLASS SMASHES]
BRYN
Destroying some ancient and beautiful examples of stained glass.
ALEX
Oh, of course it was incredibly valuable, but you know, wocka wocka wocka!
So you throw the thunderstone in and there is a loud –
[SFX: VERY CLOSE-BY EXPLOSION]
ALEX
And all of the windows blow out –
LYDIA
Amazing!
ALEX
– showering glass. Thankfully, the angle that everyone has taken relative to the vicarage means that you guys are safe from the showering glass.
LYDIA
Uh-huh.
ALEX
And we will then roll for initiative, and while we do that we’re going to take a couple of minute break for the listeners, and when you come back we will be ready to start some combat!
LYDIA
Whoop whoop!
[AD BREAK]
ALEX
And welcome back. So we now have taken all of our initiatives, so we will start with… someone who isn’t the party.
BEN & ALEX
(dramatic drum-roll style) Duh duh duh duhhh.
BRYN
Hopefully he’s going, “Oh, I’m deaf!”
[SHORT PAUSE]
ALEX
They’ve done their move.
[A FEW SNICKERS]
Okay, can we start with Sasha?
LYDIA
I’m not going to be able to kick the door down, so I want to climb up. So potentially to throw because you need to be able to aim the vial, the fire flask, so – climb up above the door.
ALEX
Sure, in which case, give me a Climb check.
LYDIA
Right. My Climb is now four.
[DICE ROLLS]
So that’s 23.
ALEX
Ooh! Ooh, grand. Okay, it will take you a standard action to climb just because of the nature of the building, and so you would still have a move action if you want, but you cannot climb and throw in this turn.
LYDIA
Can I…?
BRYN
Your move action should be to draw, probably.
LYDIA
Yeah.
ALEX
What I would say as well is, just for listeners, we’re now running into something that everyone encounters at some point, which is “vertical gameplay in tabletop games.”
There’s one solution, of course, which is that you spend an enormous amount of money and make a really, really high multi-levelled thing, or…
LYDIA
Should I make a grid of wall?
ALEX
What – yeah. What I tend to do is I tend to make a separate floor map for a second floor and for anyone who is raised above a normal map…
BEN
Plonk them on the dice.
ALEX
We put them on a dice.
BRYN & LYDIA
Ahhh.
ALEX
Okay, so Sasha. She gets up, drawing her vial as her move action. Her standard action is to climb and peep in through the blown-out window.
LYDIA
Mhm.
ALEX
What she sees is a room which is full of crates and some barrels.
LYDIA
Ooh, stuff!
ALEX
Yeah, definitely stuff. And there looks to be a small contained cooking fire, a few bunk beds and what looks like someone was in the process of cooking. All the chairs are thrown back and the food has been dropped. As you see, two of them are still pulling their wits together, one of them is already making it and darting through the doorway at the far end of the building, presumably to head down some stairs to the ground floor.
LYDIA
Mhm.
ALEX
The room itself is very much half-store room, half-living room. It looks like they may be very well-equipped, but it doesn’t seem like they are particularly luxurious surroundings with which they have been living in.
So, Hamid, you’re up.
BRYN
I would like to ready an action. My action is to rush into the building once the door has been opened. …Hopefully by Bertie.
ALEX
Is that your wording? You rush into the building once the door is opened?
[A LONG PAUSE]
LYDIA
Aww, Hamid.
BEN
Ooh, it’s like a genie’s wish.
LYDIA
Yeah, Hamid the hero.
BRYN
I, yeah. Not rush fully, just rush in – just one step inside the door, that’s all. I mean, that’s all the movements people have had, anyway.
ALEX
I’m going to throw you a bone. Potentially you may want to clarify if one of your party opens the door.
JAMES
I was going to say, “follow me,” I think might be the…
BRYN
Yeah, okay, that’s – thank you. Yes.
ALEX
So if a party member opens the door, you step through it?
BRYN
Yes.
ALEX
That’s fine.
BRYN
And I’ll load my crossbow as I go.
ALEX
Mhm. I’m not a pedant, but with readied actions it very specifically says “be clear,” and it could come back and bite you in the bum.
BRYN
Yeah.
ALEX
Okay, you, Sasha, see one of the other people gets their stuff together and also darts out of the doorway at the far end. You then see a third one, one who is a bit better-dressed – I should describe all of them once I’ve described this – also darts to the stairway.
You recognise all of them, I should spell out.
LYDIA
Ohh.
ALEX
One of them is one of the ones who got away from Edison’s house.
LYDIA
Right.
ALEX
The second one is also one who got away from Edison’s house. And the third one, it’s a face that you’ve seen in Other London. You do not know them personally, they are not important to you.
LYDIA
Alright.
ALEX
But it’s almost certain that this guy just fell in with this crowd at some point in the past.
LYDIA
Okay. Yep.
ALEX
You don’t even know their name, but it is a face that is familiar to you.
LYDIA
Mhm.
ALEX
The one who you will remember was referred to as Guy back at Edison’s – they said Guy was away – is a gentleman. Very, very limber-looking, seems better-dressed than the others. Not poshly dressed by any means, but seems to be wearing potentially Upper London garb. Nothing opulent, though.
LYDIA
Garb!
ALEX
Mhm. Long, brunette hair, and a goatee.
JAMES
Evil.
ALEX
Eeeevil!
JAMES
Clearly evil.
BEN
Someone has seen a drawing of an evil person and thought, “I’m going to be a villain.”
JAMES
He has also got a moustache and eyepatch and a British accent.
ALEX
(snickering) I’m afraid not.
JAMES
Is he played by Malcolm McDowell?
ALEX
We’ll have to wait and find out.
JAMES
Okay.
ALEX
Also, the other one who you saw dash – you only caught the tail end of the one who had already moved before you, so you didn’t see who that was –
LYDIA
Okay.
ALEX
The other you recognise as the one who you were chasing through the basements.
LYDIA
Ahhh!
ALEX
Yeah, short hair and wearing just non-descript Other London garb at this point. They do, however, appear to have grabbed belts and so on that were beside them on chairs as they were dashing out, so they are probably equipping themselves on the fly.
LYDIA
So they’ve gone out that way?
ALEX
Indeed. They’ve gone out the opposite side of the church to the bit that you’re hanging off.
LYDIA
Right. Can I – do I have time to whisper “they’re coming” to the others?
BRYN
Not whisper, you’re up a building.
LYDIA
Well I can shout, right –
SASHA
They’re on their way!
ALEX
And next up, it’s Bertie. You are up.
JAMES
Super, okay. So the door, the front door of the building is locked? Unlocked?
LYDIA
Locked.
ALEX
It is currently locked.
JAMES
Cool.
BRYN
Charge it!
JAMES
Can I charge the door and then barge through it and then just attack the first person I see in a heroic…
ALEX
You can barge through the door, you can’t barge through and attack the people.
JAMES
Okay.
BRYN
You probably need to attack the door to open it.
JAMES
(as Bertie) Doors, you say! Inanimate objects, brilliant. (normally) Right. I charge the door really hard.
BRYN
Power attack!
JAMES
Power attack – I power attack the door.
ALEX
Power attack the door, go for it. So you roll your D20 to hit.
[DICE ROLLS]
JAMES
15, plus…
ALEX
15 – it’s a door, so it’s…
JAMES
(cheering) Yeahhh!
ALEX
Sorry, it’s quite literally the size of a barn door as well, so you’re effectively rolling to hit the side of a barn and have passed!
[JAMES LAUGHS]
ALEX
Even if you take your minus one because you’re doing a power attack…
JAMES
(overlapping) Power attack.
BRYN
Well, you get a plus two for the charge.
JAMES
Yeah.
ALEX
Mhm. So you get plus two.
JAMES
Straight into a barn door!
ALEX
Yep, so in total you’re definitely hitting.
JAMES
Right.
ALEX
So roll your damage.
JAMES
Which is D10 plus three, and that’s a D10…
BRYN
So you’ll do plus five because of the power attack.
JAMES
Ooh, lovely.
BRYN
Instead of plus three.
[DICE ROLLS]
JAMES
Seven, 12.
ALEX
12. Bertie, with his weapon and shield already in place…
Actually, describe how you’ll charge, how you’ll attack. Would you barge it with your shield which I’d allow, would you attack with the sword, what would you do?
JAMES
A combination of shield and hack with the sword at the same time, and face first.
[LAUGHTER]
JAMES
With an almighty bellow!
BERTIE
How dare you defy me, door!
[BEN AND LYDIA CACKLE]
ALEX
So effectively what you’re doing is swinging your left arm wildly, swinging your right arm wildly and going,
[ALEX SCREAMS HORRIFICALLY LOUDLY]
JAMES
Roaaaaarrrrr!
ALEX
Yeah, you successfully slam into the door.
[SFX: SOUNDS OF WOOD SMASHING]
Bit of stuff and mortar drop, Sasha almost needs to make a Reflex save not to fall from the impact, but nonetheless you burst through the door and it swings open.
What you see are the far side of the church coming down a stairway, like an open stairway. You see one of the party who is – yeah, just non-descript urban clothing for Other London. I will add it to the map in a second.
JAMES
Not the swish one?
ALEX
Not the swish one.
JAMES
Okay, cool.
ALEX
It’s the first one that Sasha didn’t really catch a good glimpse of but recognised as Other London-y.
JAMES
Yep.
ALEX
You see a set of pews are kind of haphazardly arranged, they appear to have been pushed to the side. All they are really doing is giving you difficult cumbersome terrain at the edges.
JAMES
Pew pew, pew pew, pew pew!
ALEX
Yeah.
JAMES
Sorry.
ALEX
You see the entrance to what you presume is the steeple.
JAMES
Okay.
ALEX
And him, stood in the entrance at the exact opposite end. Now you’ve used your entire turn, but there is a clear, straight run from you to him and vice versa.
Okay, next, Bryn’s readied action goes off. You enter and…
BRYN
I slip just behind Bertie and into the corner.
ALEX
Well technically, actually, here’s a thing for listeners. When someone moves through your square, you are required to either allow them to move through your square or resist them moving through your square, because you’re occupying sort of a very narrow space.
Will you allow Hamid through, or will you just block him?
JAMES
(grandly) I will allow you through my square.
BRYN
Aw, what a gentleman.
JAMES
Yes.
ALEX
To save time, I may go ahead and assume that the party aren’t trying to sabotage each other at every step,
[LYDIA MAKES A DISAPPOINTED SOUND; SNICKERS]
ALEX
But do pipe up if you decide that you want to sabotage.
Okay. After Bertie, it is Bertie’s dog, who rolled a natural one, same as our good old friend Zolf. But this natural one was higher because it had a higher inherent initiative.
[LAUGHTER]
[BEN MAKES DOGGY NOISES]
JAMES
This a dog that is actually drowning in its own spit. He is playing very poor, genetically speaking.
ALEX
The dog proceeds to go “ruff ruff ruff ruff ruff.” That’s the dog’s turn.
[LAUGHTER]
BEN
Moral support!
ALEX
Zolf, you are up.
BEN
Okay, cool.
[A FEW SHORT SOLID CLUNKS]
Right.
[LAUGHTER]
BRYN
You could at least double-move.
BEN
Oh, I could! Yes, I am going to.
[SOME MORE CLUNKS]
There we go.
ALEX
Zolf moves his formidable four squares and is now facing and looking over Bertie’s shoulder into the church.
JAMES
He’s not looking over my shoulder – looking through my legs.
BEN
Well, given the elevation of the church as well…
ALEX
Oh yeah, you are quite literally staring through Bertie’s legs.
BEN
I have icicles. I am going to be firing them through your thighs.
[JAMES AND LYDIA CACKLE]
ALEX
Okay, now –
LYDIA
Not the space between his thighs, then, just through his flesh.
[ALEX MAKES A DISGUSTED NOISE]
BEN
It depends how accurate…
ALEX
We’ll see how they roll. So the person who came downstairs appears to be wielding a shortsword. Without further ado, charges straight at Bertie…
JAMES
Bonk.
ALEX
Yep! And gives an attack on Bertie. There was no difficult terrain, the difficult terrain is to either side.
[DICE ROLLS]
JAMES
No!
ALEX
Ooh, rolls a 19. I’m going to double-check the stats, but I know it will be a hit.
BRYN
If he’s having a charge action, he gets a plus two.
ALEX
It’s definitely a hit, I’m trying to check what the critical range is.
LYDIA
Oh no!
ALEX
It is critical.
JAMES
Gah!
BRYN
He’s got to confirm the critical.
ALEX
Yes, that’s very true –
[DICE ROLLS]
– and does not!
JAMES
Hooray.
ALEX
So it’s just a normal hit.
JAMES
Phew!
BEN
That would have been an exciting start to the fight.
[DICE ROLLS]
ALEX
And deals one damage to Bertie.
JAMES
Oh, that’s quite a nuisance. I think he might have accidentally shaved quite a nice little, just a little dash in my eyebrow, so it looks like I’m now from the 1990s.
[LAUGHTER]
BEN
He sent you forward in the future!
JAMES
Whoaaaaa! Yeah.
ALEX
That’s the entire move.
LYDIA
Only his eyebrow.
JAMES
Only my eyebrow.
ALEX
Sasha.
LYDIA
Right, well, now because they didn’t wait for people to come out, I’m stuck to the side of a building!
ALEX
You could fit through the window, if you chose.
LYDIA
Yeah, I’m thinking that it would be the most fun for me to climb up, come round the top and then try and sneak up on people around the back.
BEN
Like a true rogue.
BRYN
Absolutely.
ALEX
Good rogueing. That’s fine, we will.
LYDIA
What do I need to roll?
ALEX
Let’s skip the Acrobatics check because it’s a large church window and you are very good at what you do, that’s fine.
So you enter into the upper floor. I will say, for the sake of ease, you will be able to get right behind the people who are still in the stairwell.
LYDIA
Okay, cool.
ALEX
And that will be a whole turn, just to speed things up.
LYDIA
(disappointed) Oh, okay. So no stabbing?
ALEX
Honestly you wouldn’t want to anyway, tactically, because…
LYDIA
Yeah, right. They can’t see me, though?
ALEX
But they have no idea you’re there.
LYDIA
Okay, cool.
BEN
It’s the thing that happened in the market – if you stabbed them now, you’d end up in a one-on-one fight.
LYDIA
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
BEN
But what you want is to be at the back of a group fight, just stabbin’ them up.
ALEX
Yeah, I’m throwing you a bit of a bone.
LYDIA
And how narrow is this stairwell, cos…?
ALEX
It is a spiral staircase and narrow.
LYDIA
So if they are going down and I start stabbing them in the back, I think they should remain – it should remain a flanking move, because they cannot turn around.
BEN
And also historically it is a bit easier to fight, you know…
ALEX
You did spell out that Sasha was right-handed.
ALL
Mmmm.
ALEX
But either way, you are directly behind them. They do not know you are there.
LYDIA
(whispering) Like a shadow! Spooky shadow.
JAMES
Sorry to be a pedant, which is a phrase you’ll almost never hear me say, but if it’s a spiral staircase and Sasha is right-handed, does the spiral staircase spiral down anti-clockwise?
ALEX
Here’s a fun fact for you. All spiral staircases spiral in such a way that the person who is higher on the spiral staircase has free use of their right arm, so that the defender always has the advantage, and that was why knights were always right-handed and not left-handed. If you were a left-handed knight you couldn’t be a knight, but obviously there were a lot of left-handed knights, they just would only fight with their right-hand sword.
JAMES
That’s interesting. I did not know that.
BEN
It was a tactical decision for castles and stuff.
ALEX
I even then went to a castle and checked it out, totally real. Totally a thing.
LYDIA
I think there’s a big plaque in Corfe Castle that explained this.
ALEX
It’s really useful.
[FASCINATED NOISES FROM EVERYONE]
ALEX
So after Sasha, it’s Hamid.
BRYN
I’m quite upset! I’m standing next to Bertie, which I am a fan of, but there’s a guy literally right next to me as well, an enemy with a weapon.
ALEX
Yep.
BRYN
And that is not where I like to be in a fight.
[SNICKERS]
BEN
You are an un-fan of that.
BRYN
Yes. I am going to drop my crossbow. My crossbow is on a strap, so when I say “drop” it sort of falls to my thigh rather than to the floor.
ALEX
Yeah. And for listeners, we have had this discussion ahead of character creation, he isn’t just inventing this stuff on the fly.
BRYN
As an experienced LARP-er I have done this for real as well. The strap is very useful.
BEN
The strap is good.
BRYN
Because I am then going to cast a spell, but the thing is, when I cast a spell I can cast defensively, which means I can potentially avoid the attack of opportunity.
ALEX
Because when it comes to casting, most spells would present an attack opportunity where the person sees that you’re trying to cast a spell and gets a quick jab in. Doing it defensively boosts –
BRYN
Well, I have to pass my Concentration check.
ALEX
If he passes his Concentration check, it boosts his defence against their attack.
BEN
And that’s why in the first scene, we took the other boring feat of Combat Casting.
BRYN
(singsong) Combat Casting!
[DICE ROLLS]
BEN
Eyyyyyyy!
BRYN
I roll 1.
LYDIA
This is becoming a habit for us.
BRYN
Almost certainly doesn’t work.
ALEX
Well, Hamid is still learning not to panic in the moment.
BRYN
Yes.
ALEX
So you fail your Concentration check. Are you still able to cast?
BRYN
I still get to cast, but he gets an attack opportunity, and if I take damage I have to make another Concentration check for my spell not to explode.
ALEX
Correct.
BRYN
In my face.
ALEX
(stage whispering) Spoilers – he’ll take the attack of opportunity, Bryn!
BRYN
Well, duh.
[DICE ROLLS]
ALEX
What’s your AC?
BRYN
Er, 13.
ALEX
It will be a hit, I believe.
BRYN
(muttering) Of course it will. (louder, despairing) Why am I standing next to an enemy?
LYDIA
Because Hamid wants to be a hero and you roleplay well.
ALEX
So what spell were you going to cast?
BRYN
Magic Missile.
[DICE ROLLS]
ALEX
And deals almost the highest he can roll, a five.
BRYN
5 damage.
ALEX
Yep.
BRYN
It’s cool, I’ve got loads of hit points now.
ALEX
Oh, you rested, you slept and all of the things.
BRYN
Right. So I must make a Concentration check where DC equals a 10, plus the damage taken, plus the level of the spell I’m casting.
JAMES
15, 16?
BRYN
Yeah. And my Combat Casting doesn’t help with this because it’s only for the first one.
ALEX
No, yeah.
BEN
Oh, just roll over a 16.
[DICE ROLLS]
No.
BRYN
7.
ALEX
So the spell fails.
BRYN
The spell fails.
ALEX
Yep.
LYDIA
Does it explode and do you damage? Just – when you said “explode in your face,” I didn’t know if that was a thing that actually happens?
ALEX
Certain types of spell failure can explode in your face. A lot of it depends on the type of spell.
BRYN
Normally it’s if you roll really badly.
ALEX
Like, if they were to roll cripplingly terribly, there is a whole set of tables which I will make use of at some point which lists – there’s a hundred options. Option 100 is, “What is the worst thing that you can imagine, GM? That happens.” Some of them are, “A limb just disappears, never to return.”
LYDIA
(quietly) Oh no!
ALEX
“Your face is…”
BEN
Heh. Been there, done that.
ALEX
“Your mouth seals up”… like, there are loads of different tables for spell failures depending on the spells, if you want to play it properly, very hardcore with the rules. In this case frankly the failures weren’t bad enough, and especially for a simple Magic Missile, not really.
So. I’m afraid Hamid’s spell fails, the attack of opportunity happened. Then, the friend of the one who has just slashed Hamid makes it down the stairs. Now he can’t charge Bertie because he’d be charging through his friend, and similarly he can’t really get an attack on without necessarily hurting his friend. So what he will do is he will step to the entrance of the steeple… and draw a very familiar-looking flask for everyone.
[BRYN GASPS]
ALEX
So after him is the swanky fella. The swanky fella makes it down the stairs to the doorway, takes stock of the situation, and then casts a spell.
LYDIA
Is there space for me to have an attack of opportunity while he tries to cast a spell, since I’m directly behind him?
ALEX
You are able to take the attack of opportunity as he moves down the stairs, but he would then become aware of you on the stairs. If you’d like to do that, though, that’s fine.
LYDIA
(thoughtfully) I think I would, I think I would like to stab!
[LAUGHTER]
Stabbing!
ALEX
Do it honestly, don’t hesitate, just roll.
JAMES
(tortured artist-voice) I must stab.
LYDIA
She’s got fourteen daggers!
[LAUGHTER]
ALEX
So to retcon, he is starting to move down the stairs, and you go for the attack of opportunity. That’s absolutely fine.
[DICE ROLLS]
Ooh!
LYDIA
That’s a crit, yeah.
BEN & ALEX
Roll to confirm.
LYDIA
What do you, what?
ALEX
So you have to do another attack roll, and if your second attack roll hits, that counts as a critical.
LYDIA
Okay. I know it will be a 1, I know.
BEN
But it will still be a hit regardless.
[DICE ROLLS]
LYDIA
Oh no!
ALEX
(cheering) Ohhh!
BEN
No, no, doesn’t that keep going or is that a…
BRYN
That’s a potential house rule!
BEN
Ohhh. She just rolled a 20, by the way.
LYDIA
So I rolled a 20.
[ALEX INHALES SLOWLY]
ALEX
Oooh. Now I may be opening very dangerous territory – what I’m going to say is, I won’t allow criticals to stack.
BEN
That’s fair enough.
ALEX
Less because I want to impede you guys, but you will encounter monsters –
BRYN
More because they will kill us.
ALEX
– who are specifically designed to crit again and again and again because they’ll have a massive range, and I do not want you guys to face a monster at some point who is obeying the same rules as you who will one-shot every single one of you. It will happen.
BRYN
I think that’s a good decision.
BEN
It becomes a zero-sum game, really.
ALEX
What I will do, however, is because it’s a natural 20, I may chuck in a little contextual effect like him tripping up or something.
BEN
If he survives.
ALEX
Very true.
BEN
That’s with sneak attack as well.
LYDIA
Yeah.
BRYN
So you get 2D4 and 2D6 damage in total.
ALEX
Because you critted. And to clarify, now imagine if you were doing this with your extra sneak – like, it stacks. It gets quite high quite quickly.
BRYN
Roll it together.
LYDIA
Roll them together?
BRYN
Everything.
LYDIA
Okay.
[DICE ROLLS]
Okay, so that’s a three and a two, 5, and a three and a one, 4. So 9 damage.
ALEX
Minus the one – oh no! No, yeah, so that’s 9 total.
LYDIA
Yeah, do my D4s get minus ones?
BEN
They don’t because you’re –
BRYN
But the D6s get plus ones.
LYDIA
Ah, right.
ALEX
So it all balanced out this time.
LYDIA
Cool.
ALEX
So…
LYDIA
Stabbing is fun.
ALEX
Ooh, that was a big hit from Sasha.
LYDIA
I like stabbing.
ALEX
And only on the one attack! So…
LYDIA
I do like stabbing, it’s the best. Quiet stabbing.
[BRYN & BEN SNICKER]
BEN
When he’s as squishy as Hamid, he’s going to be hurting.
ALEX
So yeah, you get a formidable hit, a really hard hit on the guy.
LYDIA
Right in his back –
JAMES
Right in the kidney!
LYDIA
Right in his back.
ALEX
He is not happy at all, and he will in fact tumble down the stairs and end up prone at the entrance.
BRYN
Ah, brilliant.
ALEX
I wouldn’t normally do that, but I feel like with a natural 20 I’d like to reward it in some way.
LYDIA
Since we did manage in the last, in the combat before last, to roll – what was it – four ones in a row and suffer for that, I think it’s at least… I think it makes sense.
BEN
Vindication.
LYDIA
Yeah, it feels like a fair GM-ing.
ALEX
Cos it’s in your favour.
LYDIA
Yeah.
[ALEX LAUGHS]
LYDIA
To be fair, I don’t… I mean I complained a bit, but, you know.
ALEX
Okay, so yeah, he isn’t going to be able to cast – certainly not while prone, he’s still too busy trying to figure what the heck just happened. Moving onto Bertie.
JAMES
Okay.
BRYN
Kill him, please kill him.
JAMES
He’s just going to swing his mighty sword.
BRYN
(pleading) Before he kills me!
JAMES
And attack the chap who is directly in front of him, who just slashed at Hamid.
BEN
Are you power attacking him?
JAMES
I might do, actually, because I’ve got Weapon Focus: Bastard Sword, which would counteract the minus one?
BRYN
Well, so your normal attack bonus is 6. If you power attack it will be an attack bonus of 5.
JAMES
Okay.
BEN
So I mean, it’s only one and… it’s up to you.
ALEX
Power attacks are deliberately weighted in such a way that if you take the negative to hit you’re getting more in the pay-off for damage. So it depends what your goal is.
JAMES
Yeah, let’s do it. Bertie’s… he’s crashed through the door, it has gone splintering all over the side. He is surrounded by wooden shards, his nemesis – the door – vanquished, laying in pieces around him. Barely a matchstick. It has been fragmented into sawdust. This creepy little fellow was charged all the way across him and gently shaved one of his eyebrows.
[LAUGHTER]
JAMES
Hamid appears to have fallen over his own face.
[MORE LAUGHTER]
BRYN
True story.
JAMES
Punished for his ineptitude, a savage slashing to his tiny little body. Outraged – outraged, Bertie lets out a mighty bellow of:
BERTIE
That is very rude!
JAMES
Hefts his bastard sword mightily in the air and brings it crashing towards this greasy little oik in front of him.
ALEX
Very good.
BEN
(thoughtfully) You’d make an excellent nanny.
[LAUGHTER]
ALEX
Give me the roll, and let’s see if the child gets punished.
[DICE ROLLS]
JAMES
20!
[EVERYONE CHEERS]
LYDIA
Eyyyyyy!
BEN
Confirm it!
ALEX
Give me another roll to see if he confirms?
[DICE ROLLS]
JAMES
15. Plus attack bonus…
BRYN
Plus attack 5.
ALEX
Yep, that’s confirmed.
BEN
Ooh, that was a confirmed – (faintly) critical power attack.
(pauses in awe) We’re, we’re a party of “either it goes amazingly or it just goes terribly”!
ALEX
I feel like you think that’s not natural.
BRYN
You will get 2D10 –
JAMES
Okay.
BRYN
– plus ten.
JAMES
2D10 plus 10. In a minute I want you to describe for me what the consequence is because I would like to – decide what happens in…
ALEX
Very much, very much.
[DICE ROLLS]
[BEN EXHALES IN SLIGHT SHOCK]
JAMES
7… is that a 10?
ALEX
That’s a 10.
BEN
(overlapping) Yeah, that’s a 10.
JAMES
17.
ALEX
Plus 10?
LYDIA
(faintly) Oh, my –
JAMES
Yeah, 27.
ALEX
So 27 at level two.
LYDIA
Ohhh, his organs!
ALEX
Twenty… okay.
BEN
The organs, the organs!
JAMES
Is he definitely dead?
ALEX
You’ve powered him through all of his health, all of his negatives, like, with –
[BRYN MAKES AN “OHH” OF HORRIFIED AWE]
Let me do the maths, actually. More than five damage is just floating around spare, because he’s already dead and you’re still doing damage.
BRYN
You’ve literally bisected him.
[LYDIA LAUGHS]
BEN
Yeah, so when you said “I bisect that guy” in the alley and we said “no” cos there’s extra health for them to be dead, dead, dead?
ALEX
Genuinely –
JAMES
Now I bisect him in half.
BEN
You’ve gone right through the dead-dead-dead health.
ALEX
Genuinely, like, you’ve powered through that. No one who was in this scenario could have possibly survived that. Yeah. Honestly, go nuts. There’s no worse you could do to a person.
LYDIA
(awed) Ohhh.
JAMES
Bertie slices him neatly in half. Perfect incision, straight from forehead to… parts that cannot be mentioned in a family podcast.
BRYN
“Groin.”
JAMES
Groin! Groinal region. His left side flops into the central alleyway of the church –
[LYDIA CACKLES]
The right flops over one of the pews…
[BEN GROANS IN DISGUST, LYDIA CONTINUES CACKLING]
…bouncing as it hits the other side and just leaking.
Bertie – Bertie goes,
BERTIE
(furious) Manners, young man! Manners!
[LAUGHTER]
BEN
I told you, excellent nanny!
BRYN
(matter-of-fact) Hamid vomits.
ALEX
This is perfectly natural – you see a pink mist and proceed to vomit.
So there’s definitely a good place to just end the episode. I realise that there’s still a bit of a turn left, but neatly finely bisecting someone is not something you…
JAMES
(triumphant) Yeahhhh. Achievement unlocked!
[LAUGHTER]
ALEX
So, wow. Okay, we’ll be jumping back into combat at the start of the next episode, but that… that escalated quickly!
[LAUGHTER]
ALEX
Yeah, we’ll just remove that and cleft that miniature in twain. So…
JAMES
We won’t, Aaron, we won’t.
ALEX
(realising) Oh no, Aaron, we promise we love them very much –
JAMES
(overlapping) It’s safe, it’s fine.
ALEX
– we polish them. But not in a damaging polish!
So I guess that’s goodbye from everyone, and we look forward to seeing you next week!
ALL
Byeeeee!
[BRYN-AS-HAMID VOMITS]
[LAUGHTER]
[Show Theme – Outro]
ALEX
Rusty Quill Gaming is a podcast distributed by Rusty Quill and licensed under a creative commons attribution, non-commercial share alike 4.0 international license. Today’s episode was recorded and produced by Alexander J Newall.
To comment on episodes, make donations, and view links, images, videos, and show notes, visit rustyquill.com. Rate and review us on iTunes, visit us on Facebook, tweet us on Twitter @therustyquill, or email us at mail@rustyquill.com. Thanks for listening.
ALEX
Ben, you’re fine. Bryn?
BRYN
Hello, how are you, Alex?
ALEX
Keep going.
BRYN
It’s nice to see you again. Are you doing something new with your hair?
ALEX
Er –
BRYN
You’re looking well…
ALEX
– I’m not.
BRYN
…by which I mean fat.
[JAMES SNICKERS]
ALEX
…Keep going.
[LAUGHTER]
BRYN
Oh really, you want more of this, do you?
ALEX
Keep going.
[SOMEONE IS MAKING CHEWING NOISES]
LYDIA
Oh god, I really hope I never have to hear that on the recording.
ALEX
I had to do one where he gulped! He went, (gulps loudly). It was the most foul thing…
[LAUGHTER]
ALEX
…I’ve heard in my entire life. It was halfway between a tsunami and a courtesy flush.