[SHOW THEME – INTRO]
ALEX
Hello again! And welcome to episode 12 of the Rusty Quill Gaming podcast with me, your host and GM, Alex Newall. And with me today, I have:
JAMES
James Ross.
BRYN
Bryn Monroe.
BEN
Ben Meredith.
LYDIA
Lydia Nicholas.
ALEX
And who are you all playing?
JAMES
Sir Bertrand “Bertie” MacGuffingham, half-man, half-man.
[LAUGHTER]
ALEX
A helpful introduction there, James.
BRYN
Hamid the halfling sorcerer, slightly more distraught than usual.
ALEX
Oh yeah.
BEN
Zolf Smith, dwarven cleric. Three-quarters dwarf, one-quarter peg leg.
[SNICKERING]
LYDIA
Sasha Racket. Human and very sulky right now.
ALEX
Yes.
LYDIA
Sulky. Sad!
ALEX
Sad, er…
LYDIA
Quiet.
ALEX
Quiet…
BEN
Terrified?
LYDIA
Wait, well, yeah.
BEN
Shocked, anxious, stressed-out…
ALEX
There’s a whole gamut of emotions.
LYDIA
I’ve got a lot of emotions going.
BEN
Just generally not doing okay, guys.
LYDIA
You can’t tell, though! Unexpressive face.
[SNICKERING]
ALEX
So just to recap what was happening from last week. Obviously the party were working their way through Other London in search of details to do with the Simulacrum, of which you found some pieces. And then, whilst under there, you got a little bit ambushed.
BRYN
We got beaten. We had our buttocks handed to us, I would say.
BEN
We did terribly. Absolutely terribly.
ALEX
You may have got a little bit rinsed.
LYDIA
(softly) So many critical fails!
ALEX
It’s okay, because they got critical hits against you.
[LAUGHTER]
LYDIA
(processing that sentence) Hey, wait, no!
BEN
It’s true. It really was buttock after buttock after buttock. I can’t hold all of these buttocks!
JAMES
(overlapping) So many buttocks! D’argh!
ALEX
So yeah. Luckily, it turned out that they weren’t quite there just to kill you or anything. Led you away to a…
LYDIA
I don’t think they would’ve been upset if that happened.
ALEX
Not really.
BEN
Cos they’re not very nice people.
ALEX
And you guys made your way to a building that Sasha recognised and didn’t like. Namely the headquarters of Barret Racket.
BRYN
Yeah. Did everyone else notice how they have the same surname, guys?!
JAMES
It’s probably a coincidence.
LYDIA
It’s totally a coincidence.
BEN
I mean, Racket, Smith, you’re…
[ALEX LAUGHS]
JAMES
It’s a pretty common name. Smith – it would like the village blacksmith, Racket would be the village tennis professional.
BEN
(simultaneously) Tennis coach!
[LAUGHTER]
JAMES
So it’s perfectly logical.
ALEX
So anyway, you made your way up into his office. Had a nice little chat. Made some friends.
LYDIA
Bertie had a brandy.
BRYN
(simultaneously) Had a nice little cry.
ALEX
And Barret gave Hamid a ring of something…
BRYN
Mmm! A mysterious ringggg.
BEN
Which he was all too keen to put on.
LYDIA
(singing to the tune of “Mysterious Girl”) Ooh-ooh-ooh, mysterious ring!
(laughs, singsong:) You don’t know what it does.
BEN
Is this just the rest of the podcast now? Is it just us in silence…
ALEX
Oh, don’t forget, Bertie’s got himself some brandy. I hope you wrote that in your –
JAMES
Brandy, yeah! Brandy, an eel in a bun. Basically I need to collect the ingredients for a whole picnic by the end of the campaign, if that is possible.
BEN
That is a very good point. I remembered I had Detect Poison. I did intend to use it on the brandy when we got that, but instead…
BRYN
Yeah, I didn’t see if it was magical or not.
ALEX
So! Yeah, you guys made it out of the compound, got all of your equipment back, and were effectively just about to discuss what happens next. Obviously you’ve got the map as well. Don’t forget that. Sasha’s been able to read…
BEN
Which I’ll be handing over to Sasha as, yeah.
SASHA
(surprised) Oh!
ZOLF
Well, I understand that it’s an Other London map but…
LYDIA
I feel very trusted.
ZOLF
Darned if I can read it.
ALEX
So I think that’s everything. So you can just pick up where you left off.
BEN
Yeah!
SASHA
Guys, I can show you to an inn, but – like, nothing is going to happen to us now that Barret’s got his eyes on us.
ZOLF
We need some… yeah, we need time to recoup. We need –
SASHA
Just down that alley, a few floors down.
BERTIE
Still bleeding quite a lot, really.
HAMID
Yes, I, I’m quite badly hurt too.
ZOLF
Actually, that’s right. How many potions have we got left?
SASHA
I’ve got one.
HAMID
I’ve got one…
ZOLF
Yeah, everyone check your things. I’ve got one as well.
BERTIE
If brandy is a potion, I have two.
[A PAUSE]
HAMID
Brandy’s not a potion.
ALEX
Everyone had one.
BEN
Yes.
BRYN
Oh, I had two. I drank one.
ALEX
At least, yeah. So now everyone has one.
BEN
Yeah. I had two as well, so now I’m down to one. So I need to rub that out… oh no, I used a Cure… oh yeah, no, I, I…
ALEX
You used a spell.
BEN
I used a spell.
LYDIA
Hurray!
BEN
Yes…? Yeah, I think so. If I didn’t, people can shout at me on the forum and tell me I’m wrong.
LYDIA
Yay!
ALEX
Yup! Okay, so you’ve got potions. What’s the plan?
SASHA
Let’s just go to an inn. Can you get a few floors down?
ZOLF
(indistinct, simultaneously:) I can –
HAMID
Yeah.
SASHA
Alright.
LYDIA
I lead them down an alley to the side, and then further down – which is deeper, I know, into Barret’s territory, but it is thus more lived-in. This is… Barret’s home is on the edge of looking out on a no-man’s-land that no one wants to cross, whereas it’s a bit more lively down there. I begin, I’m guessing, to see faces that I recognise.
[SOFT NOISES OF PEOPLE CHATTERING BEGIN TO FADE IN]
ALEX
Yeah.
LYDIA
I might put up a mild disguise.
ALEX
Give me the roll, then, and go for it.
LYDIA
Yeah. I mean, it’s just putting on my hat with different-coloured hair, you know.
[DICE ROLLS]
3!
ALEX
You fail!
LYDIA
Is it the wrong hair – It is the same hair.
BEN
You’ve got a wig that looks exactly like your hair!
ALEX
You’re so terrible at disguises!
JAMES
You’ve got a hat that looks like no hat!
[SNICKERING]
BEN
It’s just a hat with “Sasha Racket” on it.
BRYN
You try to make a disguise and you just put on makeup.
LYDIA
Yeah. (admiringly) I look alright!
ALEX
So, yeah, you try to disguise yourself but as you’re walking around a lot of people start nodding, acknowledging Sasha.
LYDIA
Alright! Goddamit.
ALEX
A couple of people say “hi,” quite friendri… (struggling) friendily…
JAMES
Friendli-ly.
ALEX
Friendli-lyness-ness-ity.
JAMES
In a friendly fashion.
ALEX
That’s the one!
LYDIA
Would they? Yeah, I guess maybe some of them.
ALEX
A couple of them were friendly. I mean, don’t get me wrong, there are some people who aren’t happy to see you, but there’s just as many who are, and this deep into Racket territory, things seem a bit more stable. It seems a bit closer to the markets up top, to all of the people who aren’t from Other London, except a bit closer to that balance between domestic and market. Whereas the upper levels were pretty much just market, really. These lower levels seem to be a bit more balanced between market and stalls.
LYDIA
I take them to an inn.
ALEX
Mhm! What’s the name of the inn? Go.
LYDIA
Er, it’s the… the Bloody Bulldog.
ALEX
The Bloody Bulldog. Okay, cool! It’s a good one.
BERTIE
Ooh, dogs!
LYDIA
The, the, the sign is a taxidermy bulldog head swinging on a stand. It’s… homely.
ZOLF
Are you sure this is the kind of pub that we want to be…
SASHA
This is the nicest pub round here.
[LAUGHTER]
ZOLF
Alright, I’ll take your word for it, I guess.
SASHA
This is the posh one.
ALEX
Heading inside, it’s posh by Other London standards. It’s sort of, there’s still rushes on the floor and stuff, but there’s tables! There’s even glasses, not like metal tankard jugs, actual glasses.
The person behind the bar doesn’t seem particularly aggressive or anything. They’re huge – like enormous, enormous person to the point where you’re wondering if part of them isn’t human because they’re…
JAMES
Bertie-sized.
ALEX
No, they’re a step above Bertie. They are massive as a person.
SASHA
Alright, Gragg.
ALEX (GRAGG)
(in an extremely deep and rumbly voice) Alright. How’s things, Sasha?
SASHA
It’s, er… complex, right now.
ALEX (GRAGG)
Is it ever not?
SASHA
Yeah, tell me about it.
ZOLF
So er, what are you drinking? I’ll get the round in since I got us into this mess so – it’s the least I can do.
SASHA
Nice. Er, Gragg, the alcohol.
[PLAYERS SNICKER]
ALEX
He reaches past…
BEN
Four of “the alcohol”!
ALEX
He walks past four casks, all of which are just numbered 1, 2, 3. Goes to 4, pulls out… puts some drinks in some glasses, actual pint glasses, puts them on the side for you.
ALEX (GRAGG)
It’s good to see you, Sasha.
SASHA
How’s it been?
ALEX (GRAGG)
We’ll call it 4.
SASHA
4. Here’s 4.
ALEX (GRAGG)
It ain’t free.
ALEX
He’s gesturing cash.
ZOLF
Copper, right?
SASHA
Yeah, 4 coppers?
BEN
I’ll push 6.
ALEX (GRAGG)
Thank you very much.
ZOLF
Pleasure.
LYDIA
I thought he was talking about the number of…
[LAUGHTER]
BEN
Makes 4! Well done! And take one away, and now how many are there?
[MORE LAUGHTER]
LYDIA
Yeah!
ALEX
So yeah, he gives the glasses. Gives a nod to Sasha and then just stomps off, the one foot he can go along the bar.
ZOLF
Right, well, here’s to progress.
SASHA
To surviving.
BERTIE
Cheers!
HAMID
I guess we can use the luck.
SASHA
Yep.
ZOLF
Yep, definitely could.
SASHA
Eyyyy!
LYDIA
Clank.
ALL
Clank clank clank clank clank.
ALEX
Sasha is fine, it’s exactly what you’d expect. Zolf, it’s vaguely reminiscent of fire-water that you… probably shouldn’t have but did have as a kid.
BEN
Well, I mean on a boat as well, we’re heavy drinkers.
ALEX
Oh yeah, yeah, yeah, I just mean it brings up some old memories.
BEN
Ahhh, okay.
BRYN
Hamid retches.
[NOISES OF HAMID RETCHING VIOLENTLY]
ALEX
Yeah, yeah.
JAMES
I’ve got a constitution of 16. I –
ALEX
Here’s the thing, Bertie. With you – so you’ve gone from a very, very fine brandy to what happens to very fine brandy if you pour it into a puddle and then pick it up with a cocktail shaker, shake it a bit, and then try and drink it.
JAMES
Yeah.
[BERTIE SMACKS HIS MOUTH TOGETHER MULTIPLE TIMES]
SASHA
It’s good, innit!
HAMID
(weakly) S…strong.
ZOLF
Might need another, then?
HAMID
No, thank you.
SASHA
Put hair on your back.
ZOLF
Does he want hair there?
SASHA
It’s what they always told me.
BERTIE
Bet this tastes the same on the way out as it does on the way in.
ZOLF
Well, if you drink enough, you’ll find out.
BERTIE
Mmm.
HAMID
I hate to be the one to ask everyone, but I know we’ve been hired to go after these people, but – are we ready? I mean, that was like the first real fight we had and we… we lost. Quite badly.
ZOLF
(overlapping) We got caught unaware.
HAMID
Well, we didn’t, though. We saw them, me and Sasha.
ZOLF
Yeah, but how many of them were there? Like, did we clock them all? Maybe we were just overconfident. We’ve got a measure of what we can do now.
SASHA
I told you not to come down here.
ZOLF
We’ve been to worse… well, I’ve been to worse places.
BERTIE
I definitely haven’t. This is terrible. Look at this!
SASHA
I mean, Gragg’s bar is pretty great.
ALEX (GRAGG)
Cheers, Sasha!
SASHA
It’s alright, Gragg.
ZOLF
I’ve also got to say: we’re mercenaries. We’re going… we are paid to go into dangerous situations. We can’t shy away from something just because it’s going to be unpleasant. We’ve got to power on through and we’ll see how we can do.
Now, the pay for this one is significant. Right? I think it’s a difficult job but we’re going to be rewarded well. You can buy you a hundred falcons on your hat, you know?
HAMID
But can we, can we – I mean, can we do it, though? There were four of them and two dogs and – you know, they took us all out. I just feel like…
ZOLF
We made a silly decision. We grouped up. We knew that they had bombs; we grouped up and that cost us. Next time, let’s not do that.
HAMID
So we have – you think next fight we don’t, we don’t stick together, because that sounds –
ZOLF
No, but we… assess the situation, I’ve got to say I dropped the ball on that one. I should’ve been ready. I’m the one with the shield; I should’ve deflected it. I didn’t. I made a mistake. Next time we’re going to learn, we’ll get stronger and we’ll keep going, okay? Yeah?
BERTIE
Now Hamid, in your darkest hours, when you feel the fear creeping up behind you like a man who is perhaps maybe four foot tall? And you think, “No no, maybe, maybe death’s icy finger is working its way up my spine one vertebrae at a time and is just about to stick itself in my ear”? Just think of the money. Of the massive amount of money.
[ALEX STARTS CACKLING]
And I often find that thought very comforting, you know? I will just think… I’ll put myself in my happy place. I’m there on a beach made of money, and the money is gently lapping at my feet –
HAMID
(interjecting) Okay. Okay, I’ll try and keep the money in mind.
BERTIE
Money.
HAMID
I mean, they seemed much better at ganging up on us than we were at ganging up on them. We have got to do more of that.
ZOLF
We haven’t – Yeah, exactly. We haven’t known each other very much. We don’t know how each other fights. We will learn. And we’ve been thrust into this – a bit ad hoc, I’m going to say, but when we get through this we can do a bit of training, do a bit of development. We’ll be able to, you know… honestly, I’ve been reading about it. There are some manuals and whatnot…
HAMID
I’d certainly like to learn more about how to fight people. I don’t think I’m very good at it yet.
ZOLF
Anyway, how we progress now. So I can sort you two out, I need to sort myself out, I need to sort you out a bit. You alright?
SASHA
I could do with a little bit of healing.
ZOLF
Okay. Well, I’ll see what I can do on the limited resources we’ve got. Tomorrow, fresh and fit. Take a more cautious approach.
SASHA
Eels are good for fixing people. (calling) Gragg?
[GRAGG MAKES AN AFFIRMATIVE NOISE]
SASHA
Could we order in some eels?
ALEX (GRAGG)
Oh, well, that’ll cost you at least 2 each.
ZOLF
Yep.
SASHA
Eels all round? Eels?
ZOLF
Eels all around.
BERTIE
Eels are good. Eels are good.
SASHA
Eels. Eels. Right, I think that’s…
HAMID
Maybe in a nice pie, or a quiche?
ZOLF
I don’t think they can stretch to a quiche.
ALEX (GRAGG)
Sasha. Sasha, what’s a “keesh”?
SASHA
I’m not sure.
ZOLF
It’s a pie.
BERTIE
If you imagine a pie, but it doesn’t have a hat.
ALEX (GRAGG)
Oh, yeah, that sounds well easy.
[LYDIA LAUGHS]
ALEX (GRAGG)
Yeah, alright. I’ll give you an eel keeeeeesh.
ZOLF
Right, lovely.
HAMID
(beginning to regret this) Or – or just a pie. A pie would be fine.
ALEX (GRAGG)
No, keeeeeesh.
ZOLF
Eel quiche, thank you very much.
ALEX
(laughing) He just heads out for a bit.
BEN
Yeah, I don’t need to super go through it but I will start off, I think, with Hamid. Just take you over to a quiet corner of the bar.
HAMID
Well, before – before – I just have one other question.
ZOLF
Yeah?
HAMID
Erm, did any of you see what happened to my hands?
[BEAT]
ZOLF
Uh…
SASHA
No, I was on the other side of the – what?
ZOLF
That bloke talking about the dragon hands?
SASHA
I mean, did you get blood on them or something? It’s fine. You get used to it.
HAMID
Just just just just just –
BRYN
Hamid closes his eyes and concentrates really hard, and you can see emotions flashing across his face as he’s trying to remember how he felt. And it seems like a bit of a struggle, and he’s just flexing his fingers – and then suddenly his hands turn into claws again.
SASHA
(surprised) Augh!
ZOLF
That is…
BERTIE
That is messed up, that is!
SASHA
That is so useful!
HAMID
This is not – this is not a spell I’ve ever studied. (voice going higher-pitched) I don’t understand what this is!
SASHA
Can you… can you slash…?
HAMID
It doesn’t feel like a spell!
SASHA
(admiring) It’s silent as well!
BRYN
He sort of waves them –
ZOLF
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!
BERTIE
Steady, steady!
BRYN
He closes his eyes and tries to wave them, not at anyone, just to try and shake off the claws…
ALEX
He’s waving his own hands away.
BRYN
Yes, and they turn back into normal hands again.
SASHA
It’s like ten daggers.
ZOLF
I’ve got to say, uh, that’s a skill that I’m glad we now have!
HAMID
But why can I do it?!
SASHA
It’s one of those magic things, right?
ZOLF
Yeah, you’re the wizard.
SASHA
Isn’t it all magic?
HAMID
But this isn’t a spell I’ve ever studied. It’s not a spell I know. I don’t even… I haven’t heard of this spell!
BERTIE
Can you do anything else?
SASHA
It’s like, I learned –
BERTIE
Can you turn them into opera gloves or something?
HAMID
Yes!
BRYN
I cast Prestidigitation…
[ALEX CACKLES]
SASHA
Well there you go!
HAMID
But that’s different. That is a spell. You heard my sounds and my movements. That’s a spell! The claws are different!
SASHA
(overlapping) It’s like, I learned to pick locks and get a blade in under a window thing and then that meant it was pretty easy to stab.
ALEX (GRAGG)
Eel keesh.
ALEX
Boom! He just dumps down on to the table four plates, each of which is clearly an eel pie and he’s just ripped the top off.
SASHA
Cheers, Gragg.
BEN
I’ll push 10 copper over.
ALEX (GRAGG)
No worries.
ZOLF
Look, maybe you’ve earned the favour of a god.
SASHA
The stabbing god, which god is that?
HAMID
I – What?!
BERTIE
The god of very firm handshakes?
ZOLF
Maybe Ares?
BERTIE
Little bit lizard-y for Ares.
ZOLF
Maybe.
SASHA
Have you got any enemies that might do it to you?
HAMID
…Make my hands weird?
SASHA
Yeah! Enemies are weird.
ZOLF
What we should probably take from this is: you can do that now! Great. You now know it. Use it to your advantage. Take it, roll with it.
SASHA
Yeah!
HAMID
(reluctant) Okay.
ZOLF
You’re out of your comfort zone, that’s good. So look, let’s get you healed up. We’ll have a night to reflect on it and then in the morning we can get going and…
HAMID
Okay, we’ll deal with it later.
ZOLF
Deal with as it comes.
SASHA
Maybe the ring did it.
HAMID
I mean, I was wearing the ring just now when my hands changed, and the ring stays on.
ALEX
Yeah, it changes size to fit whatever shape his hands take and then changes back.
BRYN
Because it’s a magical item.
LYDIA
Ahhh.
ALEX
Yeah, all magical items… oh yeah, I should point out for listeners. Magical items in this world, part of their magic is that they fit you. As long as you’re buying in the right sort of category. Obviously if you’re buying something for a tail and you don’t have a tail that’s not going to work, but otherwise…
BRYN
They adjust size.
ALEX
…stuff automatically fits you.
SASHA
Maybe that’s what the ring does. Maybe the ring did it to you. The ring is causing your hands to go…
HAMID
No, it happened in the fight before I got the ring.
[A THOUGHTFUL PAUSE]
ZOLF
Who knows?
HAMID
It’s just a bit strange, but, yeah…
ZOLF
We can find out when we’re not in a pub in Other London.
HAMID
I think maybe I’ll look into it another time.
SASHA
You can trust Gragg.
HAMID
Thanks, guys.
ALEX (GRAGG)
Cheers, Sasha.
BERTIE
You know what they say about halflings with big lizard hands?
ALEX (GRAGG)
They’re freaks.
SASHA
…Cheers, Gragg.
BERTIE
Well, thank you for your constructive input there, Gragg.
ZOLF
Was there an end to that, or…
BERTIE
Oh, big lizard-y feet. I mean, can you do anything else? I mean, can you do a flip? I mean –
HAMID
What?
BERTIE
Right, so you’ve got these big lizardy hands. Can you change anything else lizard-y?
HAMID
I don’t think so.
SASHA
…Well, that’s that.
ZOLF
We’ll have a think about it. Just come with me, I’ll get you sorted out, and then we’ll look at you two in the morning, okay?
HAMID
Okay.
BEN
I will use my Obscuring Mist and convert it into a Cure Light Wounds.
ALEX
Oh, as opposed to filling the pub with mist for no reason.
BEN
I could do that if you want!
[DICE ROLLS]
SASHA
Good keesh, innit, Bertie? Good keesh.
BEN
Lovely, so 7. I think that’s all I have to…
BERTIE
It’s none of the words that you’ve just used.
BRYN
Can you do it with level 0 spells, as well?
SASHA
Gragg worked real hard on this!
BEN
I don’t think I can, can I?
BERTIE
What, with his hands?
BEN
Can I…
BRYN
You should be able to channel the positive energy on any spell –
BEN
Oh, it’s a Channel Positive Energy!
BRYN
– to turn it… to spontaneously convert it into a healing spell of the same level.
BEN
Ahhh, okay, brilliant. That makes my healing much better than I thought. I thought it was only level 1 spells.
ALEX
No, no no.
BEN
Sorry. So, brilliant. I will…
ZOLF
Are you sorted, Hamid?
HAMID
Yes.
ZOLF
Brilliant, you’re all done.
BRYN
That’s all my hit points.
ZOLF
Bertie, come on.
SASHA
Are you finished with the keesh, Bertie?
BERTIE
I am entirely finished with this.
HAMID
The eel pie is actually quite nice, I think.
BERTIE
Incorrect!
SASHA
Yeah, see?
ALEX (GRAGG)
Not pie…
HAMID
A little bit salty –
ALEX (GRAGG)
Keeeeesh.
HAMID
The quiche. The eel quiche is nice.
SASHA
Bertie, you should appreciate the effort Gragg put into this.
ALEX
And onto the spell… I’ve just got to keep things moving!
BEN
Yes, so, for you I will convert a Detect Poison.
[DICE ROLLS]
You get 8 hit points back.
JAMES
Lovely, I’m now up to 9 hit points, so I’ve got 4 more to go.
ALEX
Don’t forget you’ve got your plus 1.
BEN
No, because it… I’m casting it on 0.
ALEX
Oh, yeah, you can’t convert a 0 into a level 1.
BEN
Oh, okay.
ALEX
You have to convert a level 1 into a level 1 and then a level 2 into a level 2.
BEN
3 level 0s into 3 hit points for you.
JAMES
That’s it?
BEN
Yeah.
ALEX
Give him a day, god!
JAMES
Right, fine, so in that case I’m up to 4 hit points from my original one.
ALEX
Yeah.
JAMES
Okay, cool.
ALEX
So presumably you guys…
LYDIA
I look expectantly at Zolf.
ZOLF
I’m sorry, I’m out for the day – but, morning.
SASHA
Alright.
ALEX
So presumably, you are now all going to go hit the sack.
LYDIA & BEN
Yeah.
ALEX
You get shown to your rooms. They’re on an upper floor. The stairs creak ominously as your, er, gracious innkeeper shows you to your rooms, but, yeah, you guys go and have a decent night’s sleep. Hamid, give me a Will save?
[DICE ROLLS]
BRYN
11.
ALEX
11. You have some slightly disquieting nightmares about your hands turning into independent things and coming for you and your friends, but nothing – you, you still manage to get a night’s sleep.
BRYN
Okay.
LYDIA
So how many hit points do we go up overnight? If at all?
ALEX
You are looking at about your level. Your level in hit points really, so…
LYDIA
1.
ALL
1!
ALEX
It’s not a huge amount but the point is, is that it’s meant to take you a few days to recover from a beating.
But you’ve got a cleric on board!
[EVERYONE CHEERS]
Walking hospital with a trident.
LYDIA
We love you, Zolf!
ALEX
So you guys all wake up, come down and you get some more eel quiche. Complimentary breakfast quiche.
ZOLF
Oh, very nice, the service here.
ALEX
And you notice that a few other people are staring at quiche a little bit worryingly. And just from behind the bar you get,
ALEX (GRAGG)
Keeeeeesh.
[LYDIA SNICKERS]
SASHA
Cheers, Gragg!
ALEX (GRAGG)
I like keesh.
ZOLF
Appreciate it, Gragg.
ALEX (GRAGG)
Yeah, keeeesh.
ZOLF
Anyway. Let’s get you lot fixed up a bit more. So – Bertie, come with me.
[DICE ROLLS]
BEN
Hey, brilliant, you get 2 and – you’re worse than I thought, so hold your breath.
[DICE ROLLS]
7 hit points back.
JAMES
I’m now back up to full hit points.
LYDIA
Yay!
BEN
Good.
ZOLF
And Sasha?
SASHA
I’m only a little bit, I mean, don’t… don’t worry if you’re…
ZOLF
You’re not too bad?
SASHA
I’m not too bad.
ZOLF
Alright, we’ve all got potions. I need one myself. Give me a second.
[DICE ROLLS]
BEN
Way over so I’m back on full, which is good!
ALEX
Cool. It’s worth asking as this time, actually, what spells you’ve prepared and what have you… have you converted any into a Heal already?
BEN
Yeah.
ALEX
Okay.
BEN
All three of those. So Obscuring Mist, Sanctuary, and Summon Master – (correcting) Summon Monster 1, even.
ALEX
“Summon Master” – now that’s a scary one.
LYDIA
“Youuuuu do what I sayyyyy!”
BEN
“I’m sorryyyyy!” Yeah, those are what I prepared and those are what I’ve converted, and then I’ve got my level 0 spells which are Detect Poison, Stabilise, and Create Water.
ALEX
Sure, okay.
BRYN
Create Water. Yay!
BEN
I’ve learnt!
ALEX
(laughs) Well, he has to have some excuse to use his stepping stones.
BEN
Right.
HAMID
So, so shall, shall we start following the map, then?
ZOLF
Yeah, I guess so. I think ultimately they probably think we’ve been taken out by…
SASHA
Barret’s group.
ZOLF
Barret’s lot.
SASHA
Yeah.
ZOLF
So they probably won’t be expecting us and if we… I mean, I assume you’re comfortable with going in ahead, cos, well, us two, not the most unobtrusive lot.
SASHA
Yeah, I can look it all up. So this map, it’ll take us a while to get there. It’s three floors up, a couple of heights around the back of some… yeah, and then down again.
Right, so we’ll end up on roughly the same level, just have to go up and down, wiggle around a couple of tunnels, but there’s nothing I see that’s a big problem.
ALEX
You do notice that everything that you’ve said is true, but you will also be drawing near the Thames.
LYDIA
Ooh.
ALEX
Which, obviously in Upper London isn’t really a presence that people take into account anymore. But it looks like the place will be backing on to the Thames.
SASHA
You’ll like this though, near the river.
ZOLF
Good, I can use that.
SASHA
Yeah. It might be an idea to stock up because stuff’s cheap down here. I don’t know if potions are worth their salt or money, I don’t, yeah.
HAMID
Let’s just head on.
SASHA
Right, off we go.
ZOLF
See what we can pick up on the way.
ALEX
Okay, so presumably you head out and start…
SASHA
Bye Gragg!
ALEX (GRAGG)
Bye.
HAMID
It was nice to meet you, Gragg.
ALEX (GRAGG)
Keeeeeesh.
HAMID
Here.
BRYN
I hand him a silver piece.
ALEX
He kind of looks at it, looks up and goes… puts his giant bulbous finger up, “one second.” Goes in the back, comes out, and then he disappears for a couple of minutes. You hear a clatter and a bang and then he holds out four, like, hankies that are wrapped up.
ALEX (GRAGG)
Keeeesh.
SASHA
Oh, cheers, Gragg!
ZOLF
Thank you very much, Gragg. Appreciated!
BERTIE
Thank you, hmmm.
ALEX (GRAGG)
Bye Sasha.
SASHA
Bye Gragg. Good seeing you.
ALEX
And yeah, you guys head out into Other London again. So…
BEN
Everyone add eel quiche to their inventory.
ALEX
Oh yeah, for goodness’ sake, you can’t forget your eel quiche.
JAMES
Eel in a bun, eel quiche…
BEN
Just eels, eels, eels down here.
LYDIA
Well, that and the white cabbage.
ALEX
So I’ll tell you what then, why don’t you describe the journey to us, Lydia?
LYDIA
Right, okay. So we wander for about 10 minutes through the more flourishing sort of Racket territory. You notice it might look a bit more friendly towards the centre of these large spaces, though, because it’s all courtyards with stuff built over, but I am sticking to the wall. And you find yourself in quieter alleys. Even though sometimes you’re doing three sides of a square, er, we’re – but no one bothers you.
BRYN
I am keeping my eyes out a bit more aggressively than I was before, to avoid more pickpocketing incidents.
LYDIA
Yeah. I am, if anything, as careless as you’ve ever seen me. I know that the protection of Barret means everything in these territories. So it’s about 10 minutes of that through these… these small alleyways.
[THE NOISES OF PEOPLE CHATTERING FADES INTO WATER DRIPPING AND FLOWING]
Then there is a hike up about three gruelling floors of slimy stairs. Like, horrendously drippy, mould on the walls. Up those.
JAMES
Bertie probably carries Hamid for that bit.
LYDIA
Yeah. It’s not fun for you guys, but I’m guessing that Zolf is just like, (mimicking Zolf) “Oh yes, like the bilge water!”
[SNICKERS]
BEN
I mean, just because I was a sailor doesn’t mean I like bilge water!
LYDIA
So there’s up, there’s across. There’s down again. There’s one point where there’s another of those massive gates that we came across the first few times, and I tell you guys to kind of like –
SASHA
We’re out of Racket territory. They’ve got, there’s an alliance here, so they should just let us through. Wouldn’t be surprised if he’s even told them that we’re coming but from now on, stuff can go wrong. And round here what can go wrong, will go wrong.
ALEX
To chip in at this point, a couple of guards at one of those large doors, again, which has the bolts like you were saying – it’s aside, and the couple of guys there are clearly Barret guys. They show you through and they gesture for you to go talk to guards on the other side, who appear much scruffier, much less well-off, and so on. And without a word they sort of flank you guys and just start walking.
At that point I’m going to take a break there and we’ll re-join it in a couple of minutes!
ALEX
And welcome back. So yeah, just picking up from where we left off. You guys were getting shown through an opposition territory, which is obviously much harder done by, and I’ll tell you what, Lydia, you were doing a good job, keep going.
LYDIA
Right, this place is scruffy. I notice that the eels hanging from the stands are thin, wispy things without any good slime on them at all.
[THE NOISES OF WATER ARE STILL PRESENT, BUT ACCOMPANIED BY PEOPLE CHATTERING AND BABIES CRYING]
BEN
Substandard eels.
LYDIA
Substandard eels! There are a lot of very pale rats and frogs. It’s getting wetter. And water rolls if anything, like sliding through puddles. There’s even rushes, like very pale rushes under some of the lights. Some stuff is growing, which sort of disgusts me, not that I let it on.
Yeah, we’re moving through. I keep looking out for pickpocketers at this point, because we’re not under protection now. I’m guessing these guys lead us to the opposite, like, straight through, and then…
ALEX
Sure. And so they lead you through their territory and then eventually you make it. The buildings start petering away and it becomes very, very clear that no one’s lived in this area any more.
[THE NOISES OF PEOPLE TALKING GROW DISTANT, AND FLOWING WATER TAKES ITS PLACE]
And they lead you basically towards a part where it’s… there’s still discolouring on the walls and things like that and it’s… it’s very clear that you’re beneath where the floodwaters once were. Like very visibly beneath. And they eventually…
LYDIA
Is it marshy?
ALEX
It’s starting to get that way. There’s not much unpaved stone, but most of the stone that you can see is buckled upwards. It looks like it wasn’t made to deal with this kind of environment.
BRYN
The loose ones squelch when you step on them.
ALEX
Yeah, it has that… there’s an awkward moment which is always the case where, let’s say, Bertie walking along puts his foot on one of those slightly flaggy stones and it tips up, sprays mud up and…
BEN
And he kicks it.
ALEX
Yeah, yeah. It’s just, oof.
But they stop and they just gesture for you to carry on, and you see that it starts to slope down precipitously, and there’s a couple of buildings, but it looks like a bunch of buildings have tumbled down. So there’s lots of strewn stone.
And it goes downhill for a while and you’re looking out over what is now the Thames, and there is…
LYDIA
Is there still a roof over our head?
ALEX
There’s still a roof, but it’s very high up. Like you’ve been heading down and the roof has been more or less level, and it’s… In the distance you can see enormous, enormous buttresses holding it up. Like really huge steel constructions and girders and so on.
Heading down, you are looking out over this fetid Thames. It’s barely moving and there’s still pieces of rubble in the middle of it where they’ve fallen and been left to lie, and it’s very clear that all of London – both Londons – are probably dumping into this. Certainly no one’s using the water for anything, if you can call it water.
LYDIA
Ah, childhood swimming.
[LAUGHTER]
ALEX
And most of the buildings on both sides of the banks are gone. You see a similar slope on the opposite side, but on this nearest side you are looking down at what looks like a makeshift compound. Someone has sort of set up shop in a couple of buildings that are still remaining. It looks like they’ve made fencing out of corrugated iron, things like that. You see a couple of guys with dogs are walking the perimeter of it, and there’s a large makeshift gate. You notice that the walls are, on the three sides, bordering up to the Thames, but not as high across the Thames. There’s a nominal sort of barrier, like a railing, but the Thames being so low, it’s mostly mud. Like, mudlark territory, if you know what I’m talking about.
LYDIA
Is it on stilts, or is it built in the mud?
ALEX
Yeah, it’s raised. The buildings that are still there are still built in, but most of the… you see a couple of wooden structures in there are raised upon stilts. Not really, really high or anything, just enough to get them out of the muck.
LYDIA
But we’re not… so we can just about see them, but they haven’t seen us.
ALEX
No, you’re a good, like, say, 800 metres or something like that. A decent distance away where just through the haze you’re looking down upon them.
LYDIA
I hold a hand up and get everyone to crouch down.
SASHA
Right, so that looks like it’s… I mean, Zolf, did you, did you have a plan? Or do you just want me to go in?
ZOLF
We need to do proper reconnaissance so we know exactly what we’re going up against.
SASHA
Uh-huh. Alright, I’ll go down, I guess. You guys have a lovely time back here with your quiche.
BERTIE
Picnic, yeah!
ZOLF
Take this as well.
BEN
I’ll give you the healing potion that I’ve got, just in case.
BRYN
I cast Message so that you can still talk to us.
LYDIA
Ah, clever.
SASHA
Cheers.
LYDIA
And I… I guess I sneak my little sneaky heart out.
HAMID
Just shout and we’ll come running.
ZOLF
Good luck.
ALEX
Give me a Stealth roll to approach the compound first?
[DICE ROLLS]
LYDIA
14 plus 7, 21.
ALEX
21, yeah. So you start approaching and like you said, this is kind of old territory for you. As a kid you used to spend a bit of time around here. It’s certainly not how you remember it – the compound’s fairly recent – but nonetheless you know how to navigate the area and you know bogs to avoid, the bits that are quite shallow.
LYDIA
All of them!
ALEX
Pretty much! Pretty much.
LYDIA
I melt into the stone like mould on a cake.
ALEX
You sort of… at first everyone else can follow Sasha heading to a pile of the rubble and then linger for a bit and then quickly move across, trotting across to another pile of rubble, but quite soon you lose her in sort of the haze and things.
LYDIA
There’s a haze as well! Great!
BRYN
I’ve just checked the spell Message and it doesn’t have a long enough range to actually accomplish this.
ALEX
I was about to say –
BRYN
So unless we move a bit closer…
ALEX
– she’s going to drop out of range incredibly quickly.
BRYN
…But I don’t think we’re going to be able to get a range where it’s actually going to work. So I’ll say, as you’re moving out of the edge of range, I’ll whisper that to you through the spell so you know.
LYDIA
I’ll say –
SASHA
That’s alright, I’m not going all the way in.
ALEX
Sure. You approach the compound, as close within reason as you’d like to with that Stealth check.
LYDIA
Yeah. So I think with that, I am still maybe like 10, 15 metres away. I just want to see how many guards they’ve got on. There’s no way I’m going to be actually listening to their conversation.
ALEX
Sure. You see basically those two guards are on patrol, and they just seem to run a path from up to the river on one wall-side with their dog. Up, across the gate, back down, around to the other side. It’s just a square compound. They cross each other at the gate, occasionally. Linger. Maybe share a bite or something.
LYDIA
Of quiche! No, we’ve invented quiche.
ALEX
You see in one of the still-remaining, old buildings in the compound, lights are on. And it becomes clear that the older buildings, people are only in the upper floors. So there is a shed which is on stilts, and then there is a… two buildings in there.
LYDIA
Right.
ALEX
One of which has the lights on on the second floor, one of which doesn’t. And there are people moving in the one with the little windows.
LYDIA
I want to get right around it and see if there is any possibility of us swimming in on the Thames side, possibly using some of Zolf’s mists and magic.
ALEX
Give me an extra Stealth check.
[DICE ROLLS]
LYDIA
8, plus 7. So only 15.
ALEX
Well, it’s at least possible for them to discern you this time, so I’ll give you an opposed roll.
[DICE ROLLS]
Okay. As you start to do so, one of the dogs just sort of, the ears prick up, like the squirrel thing, and then the guy who’s with the dog just – he stops. He doesn’t seem concerned. He clearly hasn’t seen or heard anything, but nonetheless the dog sort of pricks its ears up and is definitelylooking in your general direction.
LYDIA
Alright.
ALEX
You made it, say, halfway to the river at that point. From there you can see that mud runs more or less right up to that compound, and it’s clear that they’ve kind of got a bit lazy when it comes to the fencing. But you couldn’t get any closer any that without, obviously, the dog reacting.
LYDIA
(lamenting) Yeah, it’s not even going to be easy to stab anyone at this point, is it.
[ALEX SNICKERS]
LYDIA
I mean, I can’t… with the dogs and everything, I can’t go right up to them and even throw something. (sighs) Stabbing.
Right, so I’m going to…
BRYN
Hide one of the fire flasks inside an eel pie.
LYDIA
Mmm. Oh, that’s brutal!
ALEX
Oof.
LYDIA
Yeah. Right, I cannot see any easy way for me to sneak in if the dog is already aware of me. I’m not going to slip under that water and get in. So I’m going to come back and report to you guys, or get within Message range and tell you.
ALEX
You may as well go the whole hog and just do the conversation and roleplay it.
LYDIA
Alright.
SASHA
Right, so it’s, er… they’ve got guards with dogs. I know how you feel about dogs now. But – tell them that the thing’s built right up against the river and I think it’s possible we could sneak in maybe under the river, like maybe swimming. Or, like, if we…
HAMID
Is there a fence on the river side?
SASHA
Yeah, but a small one. A small one. And we could maybe – the guys and the dogs are, they’re, they’re not aware. We could shoot down one.
ALEX
There were big chunks where, like I said, they loitered at the gate to share food, so there were good chunks of time.
SASHA
We could swim down and at the times where they’re away from the river, we could come down on the river side –
HAMID
(overlapping) I don’t know how easy it would be to swim, but Zolf might be able to… why don’t you come back and we’ll plan with Zolf and Bertie.
ALEX
Okay, yeah we’ll accelerate time. (makes time-acceleration noises:) Br-th-th-th-loo! You sneak across…
[ALEX SINGS THE BENNY HILL THEME]
LYDIA
Astonishingly, they don’t notice me with my brass band, but I’m very good.
HAMID
What do you think we should do? What’s the best way – should we break into the compound? Should we take out the guards?
ZOLF
Hmm. Yeah, I’m not sure. (quietly) After that last fight I’m not too keen to get straight up into another brawl.
BERTIE
I recommend a daring frontal assault.
SASHA
What I could do, I could throw… I could throw the last thunderstone in, see if it can knock them all out, and then go in and we stab ‘em up.
ZOLF
Do you know… was it only the guards who was in there, do you know how many other people there are inside or…?
SASHA
There were lights on. There’s people around, but it’s…
ZOLF
The only thing with the thunderstone is, it would alert everybody. If we can take out those guards nice and quick…
HAMID
Do you think we could lure them away from the fence, somehow?
ZOLF
(thoughtful) Maybe…
HAMID
And take them out slightly further from the compound, where their friends can’t come and help.
ZOLF
Yeah, were there are point that they might call for reinforcements…
SASHA
So we could totally sneak down the river. Like, how fast are your…
ZOLF
Could we not just sneak through the gate?
SASHA
Through the gate?
ZOLF
Well, if they both leave…
SASHA
They’ll notice the gate opening from the inside.
BERTIE
Well, perhaps, if I might suggest, if someone… someone tall, charming, a very engaging personality, were to talk to the two guards when they are clustered at the front at the gate –
ZOLF
What are you suggest…
BERTIE
– thereby providing a distraction for people who are better suited to swimming through filth –
[ALEX CACKLES]
BERTIE
– to approach the compound from the rear.
ZOLF
We can get through… I mean, swimming through the river, you’re more… familiar with it, but.
LYDIA
I’ve got minus 1 swim. I don’t swim.
ZOLF
I can’t swim too well. I’m assuming that Bertie can’t. We can’t afford to have him take off his armour and put it back on again.
SASHA
No.
HAMID
I’m not very good at swimming either.
ZOLF
So the riverbank. Can we traverse that or does it back straight on to the water?
ALEX
There is a bit of a gap between the water and the compound. Not much. Like I said, it goes sort of muddy and then after a small period of mud you get to the actual water. So you could – I mean, it looks like it would be tough work, like wading through mud.
SASHA
Do you spell people have anything like Sleep that can knock out those guards? Nothing?
ZOLF
No. Not like that.
HAMID
I still think our best way might be to just lure them away and see if we can…
SASHA
I like it, but how?
HAMID
I can try and make friends with one of them. I mean, that’s a bit like Bertie’s plan, but I have a spell that can do it.
SASHA
Really?
BERTIE
Are you saying my charm would be insufficient?
[BEAT]
HAMID
No!
BERTIE
Good!
[PLAYERS LAUGH]
Then we’re agreed. I’m very charming.
ZOLF
Alright, no, yeah. If you’ve got something in your arsenal that can do that, then let’s do it.
SASHA
Are you sure, Hamid? There’s two men and two dogs. If it goes wrong…
[BEAT]
HAMID
We’ll just have to fight them, I guess.
SASHA
Right, well, I’ll be right by you. You won’t see me but I’ll be right there.
HAMID
Okay.
ZOLF
Myself and Bertie will be waiting close by.
ALEX
Okay, so out of character, I want you to spell out to me what your plan is before I can start running it through.
BRYN
I’ll wait until the guards are not next to each other. I’m going to approach one of them and cast Charm on him, and because I’ll be a trusted friend, I’ll be asking him to “just come over here and see this cool thing I’ve found!”
ALEX
Mhm. At which point…
BRYN
Everyone else is going to jump out at him and…
ALEX
Shing! Chk.
BEN
Yeah, lead him over to us.
JAMES
Quick question, how long does this Charm Person last?
ALEX
Pretty decent length of time, actually.
JAMES
Can’t we just send him to go off for a hike somewhere, and take the dog with him, and like…
ALEX
He’ll get a bonus to the save – a little bonus to the save – not to disobey an order that he’s been previously given by someone, but it’s certainly doable.
JAMES
If we could just send him off somewhere, like he’s off an errand. “You’ve got to go and get dog biscuits.” Something like that.
ALEX
Is your plan to get into the compound by telling someone to go buy some headlight fluid?
JAMES
Something like that.
ALEX
Maybe some polka-dot paint.
JAMES
Yep. Left-handed hammer, that sort of thing.
[SNICKERING]
HAMID
Should I try and do it to both of them? Should I try and cast a spell on both of them at the same time…
ZOLF
Do you think you can?
SASHA
You’re the one who knows how it works.
HAMID
I can try. I mean, not while they’re next to each other but I can do it on one and then the two of us could get the other one.
SASHA
Yeah.
ZOLF
Getting rid of them, yeah.
ALEX
The casting of two Charms simultaneously is fine. They won’t interfere with one another.
BRYN
Separate combat rounds, technically, but…
ALEX
Sure, sure. But all I meant, though, is that if you were isolating one of them and then got away with it so that the other person has come back and there’s no one there, yeah, there’s no problems. This is mostly for listeners – if you Charm a person and then use another spell to Charm another person, you could hypothetically use all of your spells to Charm all of the people, but obviously then you wouldn’t have any other spells.
BEN
Oh, also…
LYDIA
You’d have a lot of people on your side.
BEN
For people at home, I have actually been… I did double-check and I’ve been slightly misusing the way that clerics work. I’ve got Channel Energy, which I can do a certain number of times per day, which is my healing thing. At the moment I’ve been using spontaneous casting, which is actually better for the situation, but if anyone’s going “Why hasn’t he used the Channel Energy?” It’s because I forgot I had it! But now I’m going to use it. So that’s good.
[CHEERS FROM PLAYERS]
Just for people that are like, “This person doesn’t know how to play the cleric.” And it’s like, “Yes. I do not.” But I’m learning!
ALEX
So that’s your plan then?
BRYN
Yeah.
ALEX
So presumably, then, everyone who isn’t Hamid is going to be positioning themselves in such a way to get the jump on someone.
LYDIA
Bertie’s quite a long way away.
JAMES
Yeah. My falcon’s covered.
ZOLF
Did you notice anywhere close by that we could, er… hide out?
SASHA
Well, you won’t like it.
ALEX
I’m going to cut to Bertie, knee-deep in a quagmire.
LYDIA
“Knee”?
ALEX
Just knee. Just knee.
BEN
Submerged.
ALEX
Drowning in a quagmire.
BEN
With a little reed snorkel. From within you can hear, “I don’t like this.”
[LAUGHTER]
BERTIE
(growling) Rackeeeeeet!
ALEX
So he’s knee-deep in a quagmire with everyone else positioned – we’ll call it a little hollow, and with Zolf off to one side and with Hamid suitably ready to head off with Sasha, obviously at the hollow as well.
In which case, then, how do you want to approach, Hamid?
BRYN
Well, not stealthy, because I’m going to present myself as a friend. So I’ll be sort of smiling and waving and being like, “coo-ey, over here!”
[LAUGHTER]
BEN
“Yoo-hoo!”
BRYN
And when I’m sure he’s spotted me, I’ll cast Charm.
ALEX
So we’ll roleplay the conversation, because you’ve got to get close enough, because of the range of that spell.
BRYN
Yes, yes.
JAMES
Do you need it timed?
ALEX
Nah!
ALEX (GUARD)
Ey, who’s that?
HAMID
Coo-ey. Hi, hi, it’s good to see you again! Do you remember me? Oh my God, you have to see…
ALEX (GUARD)
Don’t come any closer.
HAMID
No, no no, you have to see what’s just around that corner. There’s this weird statue!
ALEX (GUARD)
Listen, stay away!
HAMID
(steamrolling) Have you ever seen the statue?! It’s of a falcon –
ALEX (GUARD)
Listen, right… If you don’t listen –
HAMID
(overlapping) It’s EXCITING!
ALEX
Now cast your spell. (laughing) Great, by the way.
BRYN
I cast the spell.
ALEX
Oh yeah, it’s just a Will save, isn’t it. Ooh. Oooooh.
[DICE ROLLS]
What’s the DC that he has to hit?
BRYN
I think it’s only 14.
ALEX
Oh, he’s just rolled a 14!
LYDIA
Ooh, you are not charming enough!
BRYN
Yeah.
ALEX
You could do another one but you’ll be taking a penalty for doing it immediately afterwards. The guy looks at you, a bit confused, and goes,
ALEX (GUARD)
Look, look, right. This is your last warning! You come any closer and I will let the dog off.
HAMID
Look, just come! Follow me and see.
BRYN
I’m going to turn and start jogging back where I was coming anyway.
ALEX
Okay.
BRYN
And just try and tempt him into following that way.
[LYDIA SNICKERS]
ALEX
Sure. The guy…
BRYN
But I’m not moving very fast.
ALEX
I get you. I get you. The guy doesn’t follow, and then you hear him calling to the other guard. At which point the other guard comes jogging around. The two of them have a muttered conversation you can’t hear, just keeping an eye on you as you’re heading off. And then both of them head off, following you with their dogs. So they are now approaching the hollow.
LYDIA
Uh… Great!
BEN
When do you get back to us?
ALEX
You’ve got a decent lead because he had to call his friend, wait for him to come back, you’ll have had to have presumably pretended that you fell down a bit… buy yourself some time. But you’ve got a decent lead on them, a couple of minutes for you to prepare if you need.
BEN
Well, we’re not aware.
ALEX
No, no, I mean, once he gets back you’ll still have a couple of minutes. They’re not loosing the dogs.
LYDIA
I want to be hidden behind the rock at a point where, as they go past me, I can stab them in the back.
ALEX
That’s totally the right thing to do.
BEN
I want to make a slight mechanical point to wait until we’ve engaged. Because if you start, they turn around you and engage you, and you lose all of your rogue benefits after that first hit.
LYDIA
Awww.
ALEX
But if you sneak up on them, they’re already being flanked, so you get the bonuses and then you can still sustain.
LYDIA
Cool! So I’m not quite in the hollow. I’m actually a little bit ahead, but hidden around the corner so that as you approach the hollow, I am behind you.
ALEX
Sure.
BRYN
Learning from previous incidents, I’m going to prepare myself holding two eel quiches! To try and tempt some dogs.
BEN
Just shaving cream pies, but instead of shaving cream…
[LAUGHTER]
JAMES
Zolf and I are both carrying a large pane of glass across the road.
BEN
To me, to you!
JAMES
To me, to you, to me, to you –
ALEX
So Zolf, what’s your preparation?
BEN
I am actually right behind the rock, so that if they come around I’m really close to them with my trident.
ALEX
Sure. And Bertie?
JAMES
I’m standing knee-deep in a pool of waste at this point in my life. So.
ALEX
And Hamid’s been calling out that “there’s a giant falcony statue! Oh my goodness! Look at the falcony statue!”
JAMES
Okay. I start thinking about how I can bluff myself as a magic talking statue to quite stupid guards…
[SNICKERING]
Who I assume are quite stupid guards because my character is a massive snob. So can I prep that in any way?
ALEX
Er, hmm…
LYDIA
A disguise… what is your disguise?
ALEX
I tell you what, you could disguise yourself as a statue.
BRYN
Disguise yourself as a statue. It has to happen.
ALEX
If Sasha does it and if she hurries, yeah, you can do it.
LYDIA
I’m afraid I’m already a few…
ALEX
Oh, she’s already…
BRYN
Just toss him the disguise kit.
BEN
No, Bertie’s going to have to rely on his own ingenuity.
ALEX
Go on, then.
JAMES
Yeah, alright, fine. Okay, a disguise, I’ve got a plus 1 to this because it’s a Charisma-based stat…
ALEX
Ooh! Go on!
[DICE ROLLS]
JAMES
Twenty!
[THE TABLE BURSTS INTO ROARS OF LAUGHTER]
LYDIA
Yes!
BRYN
Best natural 20 ever!
ALEX
Oh wow! Oh wow! Okay, I’ve got to close on that. I have to close on that.
BRYN
We’re going to draw up this battle map, and we’ll see you next week!
ALEX
Oh, you! Right, so, bye everyone. Sorry, bye!
ALL
Bye!
[SHOW THEME – OUTRO]
ALEX
Rusty Quill Gaming is a podcast distributed by rustyquill.com and licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution Non-Commercial International License. Today’s episode was recorded and produced by Alexander J Newall. To comment on episodes, make donations, and view links, images, videos and show notes, visit rustyquill.com. Rate and review us on iTunes, visit us on Facebook, tweet us on Twitter @therustyquill, or email us at mail@rustyquill.com. Join our community on Discord, or via Reddit at r/rustyquill. Thanks for listening.
BRYN
(with an American announcer accent) Previously on Rusty Quill…
JAMES
(with an American announcer accent) Previously on Bryn’s introduction…
BEN
Meat golems!
SASHA
Maybe we could just leave some eel pies, for the dogs, and that’ll distract them.
ZOLF
Yeah, but then they’ll probably wonder where the eel pies came from.
SASHA
Round here, you get a lot of eel pie.
[LAUGHTER]
BEN
Just growing spontaneously out of the riverbank?
ALEX
It’s not pie: (in Gragg’s voice) Keeeesh.
LYDIA
I did not say that in character.
LYDIA
Did you ever use your eel?
JAMES
No.
LYDIA
Cos he threw his eel, you’ve still got your eel.
JAMES
I’ve still got my eel. My eel remains unthrown.
ALEX
It’s significantly the worse for wear.
BEN
Is it an untossed eel?
JAMES
It is an untossed eel. It’s a holstered eel. I’ve got it, I’ve got it –
BEN
(laughing) A holstered eel!
JAMES
I’ve got it tucked into my bandolier…
[LAUGHTER]
BEN
Just floppin’ around.
JAMES
That’s what it’s doing, it’s there wiggling to distract my opponents.
LYDIA
The mustard has got everywhere.
BEN
I think I’m gonna have to play an eel-based character next time, and we’ll have to wait while Bryn explodes!
[LAUGHTER]
LYDIA
For listeners at home, Bryn has turned purple.
BRYN
(high-pitched with laughter) It was the floppy eel getting mustard everywhere!