[SHOW THEME – INTRO]
ALEX
Hello again, and welcome to episode 11 of the Rusty Quill Gaming podcast! We’re here in London as always, and with me, again as always, I have:
JAMES
James Ross.
BRYN
Bryn Monroe.
BEN
Ben Meredith.
LYDIA
Lydia Nicholas.
ALEX
And you guys are playing?
JAMES
Sir Bertrand “Bertie” MacGuffingham, unconscious sleeping man.
[LAUGHTER]
BRYN
Er, Hamid the halfling, terrified sorcerer.
ALEX
Who has been acid-ed and is steaming.
BRYN
“I’m fine,” he lied.
ALEX
“I’m fine,” my foot!
[LYDIA MAKES UNCONVINCED NOISES]
BEN
Zolf, the dwarven cleric who right now is super deaf.
[MORE LAUGHTER]
LYDIA
And Sasha, who isn’t really that hurt, likes stabbing things and hasn’t managed to do that very often. Silly Sasha.
[SNICKERING]
BEN
Children’s book. “Silly Sasha.”
[LAUGHTER]
“You’ve not stabbed anyone today!”
ALEX
So we will be jumping in to the middle of combat, but just to reiterate what has happened for any listeners that had to miss an episode, the party have been wandering around in Other London, investigating the bombers of Edison’s house. Came upon the marketplace where all of the, where they suspect all of the weapons that were used by them have been sold… And then got ambushed by one of Sasha’s old friends and a bunch of his cronies.
LYDIA
Mhm.
ALEX
Thankfully Sasha managed to scare off a couple of the dogs with a thunderstone, and Bertie managed to take one of them out before having a nap, so we’re pretty much going to be picking up where we left off. Sasha has just seen the head one of them jump into one of those tents and is stocking up on what looked like reeeeally flammable bottles of things.
LYDIA
Yep, and I tried to throw a dagger, and I missed!
ALEX
You’ll get better, level one is level one. So, starting with: Hamid.
[THE NOISES OF PEOPLE JOSTLING AND SHOUTING FADES BACK IN]
BRYN
Right, so I’m still back-to-back with Zolf, desperately fighting for our lives. I can see directly in front of me the prone form of Bertie, one of our…
JAMES
My best side, I think!
BRYN
One of our enemies laying damaged next to him, but then just behind them I’ve got another enemy and his dog. Um, I am still kind of shaky-handed, just about holding myself together, loading my crossbow to fire yet another bolt at the same guy. I won’t be attacking the dog, unless he attacks me.
LYDIA
Aw.
ALEX
Well, the dogs are smaller so they’re harder to hit.
LYDIA
That’s why, not because they’re adorable.
[DICE ROLLS]
BRYN
I definitely miss, rolling a 3.
[GROANS FROM PLAYERS]
ALEX
Oh, yeah, that’s a definite miss. (mimics the noise of a fumbled shot)
LYDIA
Shaky, shaky hands!
BEN
It seems our luck has not changed between episodes.
[A FEW SNICKERS]
ALEX
The bolt flies past the man into one of the tents, through the material, and you just hear a “Agh!”
[A FEW NOW-HORRIFIED SNICKERS]
LYDIA
Oh no!
ALEX
Okay, and Zolf, you’re up.
BEN
Okay, so I’m still facing off with another – also deafened by the thunderclap – guy, and we have been swiping at each other trying to make something happen. So let’s continue in this regard, and I’m going to take another jab at him with my trident.
[DICE ROLLS]
ALEX
Sure.
BEN
And I’m going to, maybe, on a 14, hit.
ALEX
Is that 14 plus?
BEN
No, it’s 14 total.
ALEX
Okay, let’s have a check.
LYDIA
(hopeful) Oh, come on…
BEN
Come on, with the 13 AC.
LYDIA
I’m sort of liking the missing –
ALEX
It’s a no, it’s a miss.
BEN
D’argh!
ALEX
It’s a very close miss –
LYDIA
Because – it’s, it’s, you guys are just performing a kind of weird ballet.
BEN
We really are.
ALEX
It’s like Capoeira with swords.
BEN
And a trident.
ALEX
Oh, my mistake, I’m so sorry.
[BEN LAUGHS]
ALEX
Okay, so…
LYDIA
What does Scary McMan do?
ALEX
The guy you has been facing off against Zolf, he… (laughing) yeah, he’ll take that swing as well.
[DICE ROLLS]
BEN
17, 18.
ALEX
And… he will miss!
[BURST OF LAUGHTER]
LYDIA
“Whee! Zing!”
ALEX
They’re just stabbing around, no idea what’s going on.
BEN
My dice roll to hit was lower than his, so statistically, I will win this.
[MORE LAUGHTER]
LYDIA
Eventually.
BEN
Eventually.
LYDIA
Of old age.
ALEX
Bertie is stable, unconscious, and snoring.
JAMES
Yeah, I’m having this dream where I’m falling and falling into my mother’s face. Carry on.
[LAUGHTER]
I’m going to keep people updated with what’s going on in Bertie’s rich inner life. Please continue.
ALEX
Okay. The boss who had jumped into that tent, let’s see if he notices that you missed. You could have just thrown right through without him seeing.
[DICE ROLLS]
No!
[LAUGHTER]
LYDIA
He rolls a one! Okay.
ALEX
Okay, he has no idea that you’re there.
LYDIA
Thank goodness.
ALEX
Your dagger went sailing past him, in one end of the tent, out the other end.
[MORE LAUGHTER]
He has no idea what’s going on. But instead, he is still stocking up.
LYDIA
The cartoon of this!
BEN
You’re sort of just like, “That never happened…”
ALEX
So yeah, he has got a rucksack open like I said, and he is still just plucking vials and putting them in there. He then reaches up and grabs what looks like a bandolier, much like, again, the ones that the bombers were using. He’s strapping it on himself.
LYDIA
What is a bandolier?
ALEX
It’s like a big belt that you can wear, either on your waist or across your torso –
BRYN
For ammunition, usually.
ALEX
– and it has lots and lots and lots of either pouches for ammunition or sort of sheaths, and it’s the idea of throwing…
BRYN
I think the one thing we can say has come out of this fight as positive: we’ve found the right tent.
[LAUGHTER]
Now we just need to survive to tell, to figure out what to do next.
ALEX
But he’s stocking up, certainly.
And yeah, that’s his whole turn, is just him still stocking up because he’s not aware that you’ve…
LYDIA
(singing) “Every day I’m stockin’ up, stockin’ up…” Yep!
ALEX
Is that a Santa song?
LYDIA
No.
ALEX
Aw.
LYDIA
It’s like “Hustlin’.”
BEN
That is Everyday Santa.
ALEX
Oh, yeah, I’m such an idiot!
[LAUGHTER]
Okay, the guy with his dog… he is, I think, he’s now getting his dog under control and is going to start moving back in again.
LYDIA
Oh no!
ALEX
So 5, 10, 15, 20…
BEN
Can I take my attack of opportunity?
ALEX
…25, yep, Zolf gets an attack opportunity because he’s entered within the 10 feet range.
BEN
Yup.
[DICE ROLLS]
Oooh! Ooh, ooh… 17!
[LAUGHTER]
ALEX
That’s a hit.
[GROUP CHEERING]
[DICE ROLLS]
BEN
Four damage!
ALEX
Four damage, yeah. Okay. Oh, goodness me, I’m dropping stuff everywhere.
BEN
So as I notice him coming in, I’ll fend the other guy off with my shield and kind of jab forwards and kick back and stab backwards.
ALEX
All very nice, over Hamid’s shoulder?
BEN
Yeah.
ALEX
Very good.
JAMES
Over his head.
[LAUGHTER]
BEN
We are both quite short!
JAMES
Which one do you think is shorter?
BEN
Hamid. I am – I wrote it down – 4 foot 3.
BRYN
I’m 3 foot 2!
ALL
Awwww!
BRYN
He’s got a whole foot on me.
[DELIGHTED CROSSTALK]
JAMES
Ha ha ha.
BEN
I’m pretty sure the exact same noises happened the first time.
LYDIA
You’re size-ist, you’ve got a foot on me. We could make a crooked scale.
ALEX
The dog moves in on Hamid. 5, 10, 15, no attack opportunity for Zolf because he’s used it, is flanking now – Hamid – and is going to go for the attack.
[DICE ROLLS]
[EVERYONE D’OHHHHHS]
ALEX
And gets a natural 1, again. Much like before the dog doesn’t quite realise what’s going on.
JAMES
It just sits down.
ALEX
And it’s just a bit of a naff dog! I reckon it’s the pup, it’s the youngest one that’s still learning the ropes and doesn’t really know what it’s doing.
LYDIA
It just sits, wags his tail and looks up, “yip!”
ALEX
You say “look up.” It’s Hamid, it looks down!
[LAUGHTER]
BEN
“I’ve found a man.” “There you go, good boy, well done, mate.”
BRYN
We stare at each other right in the eyes, level.
[SNICKERING]
ALEX
And Sasha, you’re up.
LYDIA
Okay, so I have a whole, in terms of stuff… one question. If I were to try and knock down this tent, given that my Strength is a minus-1, is that something that is any way plausible – like, how strong is this tent?
ALEX
(overlapping) Totally doable. Totally doable. Honestly, it looks more like someone put it up as an arbitrary sort of marking-out of the territory. You’re underground, there’s no rain – there’s the occasional drip – there’s no wind, so it’s definitely not a particularly sturdy thing.
It is a very standard, almost gazebo structure – you know, four vertical pole tents, meeting in a cross at the top. You could certainly hack down, you could…
LYDIA
I could, could I just pull a pole?
ALEX
Yeah!
LYDIA
I want this to collapse on his head.
ALEX
Sure. I’d make it a standard action for you to effectively just yank one of the poles in the hopes that the whole thing falls down on him.
LYDIA
Right, cool, that’s what I’m going to do. What will I roll?
ALEX
Go for it. Give me a… um…
LYDIA
Is this, it’s Acrobatics really! I’ve got Disable Device!
[LAUGHTER]
Is a tent a device? I’ve got a good bonus on that.
ALEX
Let’s say that you take a 5 foot step beside the counter so that you can just reach across and pull a tent pole. Don’t go over it, go round it, because otherwise it’s extra rolls. And now just give me a standard Strength roll.
LYDIA
(inhales through teeth) I’m on a minus 1, guys.
BEN
Hopefully a low AC, though.
[DICE ROLLS]
LYDIA
Oh my God!
BEN
Wooooow.
ALEX
Not that low.
LYDIA
Oh! I got a 1.
BEN
What are the odds of three ones in a row? We’re looking at astronomical.
LYDIA
This is not, this is not right, you have dodged up these dice.
ALEX
I’ve dodged up these dice?
BEN
(faux-offended) My dice. You’ve dodged up my dice!
LYDIA
I got a one with a minus 1, does it collapse on me?
JAMES
The answer to your question, Ben, is 1 in eight thousand, so.
BEN
Not likely.
JAMES
No.
LYDIA
Do I accidentally set up an entire new tent?!
ALEX
So you reach out to pull the thing, you give a yank, don’t notice one of the guide ropes, and manage to accidentally tie one of your hands up into it.
LYDIA
Oh gosh.
ALEX
You’re going to need to take a move action to remove your hand from basically having been tied up in the guide ropes.
LYDIA
Do I have that move action left? I’ve taken a 5-foot step.
ALEX
You’ve had to take the 5-foot step, so you’ll have to do it next round.
LYDIA
Oh my gosh.
ALEX
But you wouldn’t have been able to reach the tent anyway without the step.
JAMES
You’ve endured an attack of opportunity from the dread gazebo.
[LAUGHTER]
ALEX
All shall fear the gazebo. It followed you from Edison’s garden.
LYDIA
We are bad rollers, guys.
BEN
We are.
ALEX
Hamid, you’re up and you’re flanked.
BRYN
Hamid is genuinely starting to hyperventilate.
ALEX
Oh yeah, this is, this is serious!
BRYN
He is panicking. He has more or less lost his mind. He is going to turn to this guy, forgetting he doesn’t have a weapon – he’s going to start just trying to shove him away.
ALEX
Sure.
BRYN
Except his hands have turned into claws.
ALEX
Nice.
BRYN
He still hasn’t noticed.
[LAUGHTER]
BEN
Dun-dun-dun-dun!
ALEX
He’s still just batting someone away, just with razor-sharp claws!
BRYN
I get two attacks because these are natural weapons.
[DICE ROLLS]
I miss with both of them.
BEN
Whoa, oh my God, is that another natural one?!
BRYN
Another natural one!
ALEX
Oh for goodness sake, people!
LYDIA
Another! That is, that’s insane.
BEN
That’s ridiculous!
ALEX
Okay, so what I’ll say is with a natural one in a…
BEN
“Oh, broken nail!”
JAMES
That is… Now 1 in sixteen hundred thousand.
BEN
Cool, we can make it, everyone.
ALEX
So yeah, with a natural one, Bertie – sorry, Hamid – panicking, sort of bats out, sees that his claws are razor sharp, and goes, (screaming) “Aaaggghhhh! Aaaaaaaaaaagh!” and basically completely flubs the second attack, because he’s still too concerned about the fact that his hands have gone all dragony and clawy.
BRYN
I wouldn’t even recognise them as dragony at this point.
ALEX
Sure.
BRYN
They’re just claws, and I’m slightly weirded out.
[SNICKERING]
LYDIA
“Slightly”?
BRYN
Well, I think I’m more afraid for my life. It’s hard to focus on the fact that my hands have spontaneously turned into claws when I’m pretty certain I’m about to die.
[LAUGHTER]
BEN
“My hands are weird, but I’m going to deal with that later!”
BRYN
Yeah!
ALEX
Zolf, you’re up.
BEN
I’m going to continue this – incredible ballet.
ALEX
This Dance of Death.
BEN
Yes. I’m not going to move, because I could try a flank using Hamid, but that would open him up to a third person having access –
ALEX
(laughing) Oh God!
BEN
– so I probably would ruin everything. So I’m going to make a stab.
[DICE ROLLS]
That’s a 15.
ALEX
A 15, is that in total?
BEN
Yes.
ALEX
You’re going to hate me.
BEN
Oh no. They’ve got blooming 16 AC, don’t they?
ALEX
Yes, they do.
BEN
Ahhhh, this is the worst.
ALEX
These are formidable people.
BEN
You’re formidable. That – no, that’s not an insult.
[LAUGHTER]
ALEX
Thank you, thank you, Ben! Yes, I am formidable.
BEN
You’re a formidably bad person. There you go, turned it around.
ALEX
Okay, the guys are squaring off again…
JAMES
Good save, good save, Ben.
LYDIA
High five, minus-1 Charisma people!
[LYDIA AND BEN HIGH-FIVE]
ALEX
So the guy that you’re squaring off against is nothing if persistent, and let’s see how many misses we can go for, so he gives another attack.
[DICE ROLLS]
Ooooh. what’s your AC?
BEN
17.
ALEX
No, it’s a miss.
LYDIA
Aaaggghhhh!
[LAUGHTER]
Listeners, we are sorry. We are so sorry.
ALEX
Bertie continues to…
JAMES
Bertie is having a dream where he’s in the middle of an exam, but he’s naked for some reason, but he’s kind of fine with that.
[LAUGHTER]
BRYN
But Hamid’s screaming two chairs across, he’s really distracting.
JAMES
Hamid is really, really really loud, and Hamid’s desk has turned into claws?
[BRYN-AS-HAMID SCREAMS INCREDIBLY LOUDLY]
JAMES
Really weird!
ALEX
Okay, right, so the boss.
LYDIA
Oh no.
ALEX
The boss finally finishes.
LYDIA
Does he notice my screw-up? My – the one which actually a zero, because I rolled a natural one where I have a minus-1.
ALEX
Well, let’s see.
[DICE ROLLS]
No.
LYDIA
Oh good, okay, he – that was, he didn’t roll a one, he rolled a five.
BRYN
He has Bertie levels of perceptiveness.
ALEX
He is not a perceptive guy.
BEN
He has got his head stuck in the bag.
ALEX
So yeah, he finally finishes loading up on stuff –
LYDIA
Oh no.
ALEX
He closes the bag, puts it on his back, vaults over the counter at the far side to what Sasha is moving so that’s one more square than that. Making an Acrobatics check…
[DICE ROLLS]
BEN
Fail it, fail it, fail it…
ALEX
…which, with his modifier…
BEN
Fall over and explode, fall over and explode!
LYDIA
Yeah, come on! Come on!
ALEX
No. He is a very acrobatic guy!
BEN
Boo!
ALEX
He continues his move action, so that will be – yep. And then reaches into the bag and draws out a flask in each hand.
BEN
For anyone who can’t see, I’m now glaring at Alex.
ALEX
He draws a flask from each hand. Okay.
LYDIA
In each hand?
ALEX
Sorry, not “from.”
[CROSSTALK]
JAMES
“Ta da!”
LYDIA
“My hands have become flasks! Ahhhhhh!”
BEN
He’s a sorcerer but his lineage is grenades.
[LAUGHTER]
ALEX
Okay, so Hamid – oh no, what I am saying, sorry. It’s not Hamid, it is one of the men that is flanking Hamid, I believe.
LYDIA
Oh, God.
BEN
Everyone is so flanked right now.
LYDIA
I’m flanked by a tent!
ALEX
You know what? The one who is flanking Hamid sees the claws, and I’m going to give him –
[DICE ROLLS]
He is visibly disturbed by the claws.
BRYN
Him and me both, my friends, him and me both.
ALEX
He makes an attack but it is very much a “go away, go away, go away, go away, go away, go away” – he has kind of lost that vicious bent.
[DICE ROLLS]
BRYN
A bit more panicky.
ALEX
Ooh, but he does hit.
LYDIA
Critical.
ALEX
He threatens a critical, in fact.
BEN
This is not good.
[DICE ROLLS]
ALEX
He does not confirm the critical, but he does hit, dealing… let’s have a look.
BEN
One damage?
[DICE ROLLS]
[EVERYONE MAKES NOISES OF SOFT HORROR]
ALEX
Ooh, wait for it.
BEN
You have betrayed me, dice.
ALEX
Six in total.
BEN
Oh no, Hamid’s down!
LYDIA
Oh, he is, he is down.
BRYN
Hamid falls over. His hands turn back into hands.
[LAUGHTER]
LYDIA
Poor Hamid!
BEN
So there is an upside. Silver lining!
LYDIA
The dog is not eating him, is it?
ALEX
The dog, it’s not the dog’s go yet.
BEN
Why would you say that?
[LAUGHTER]
ALEX
Now it’s the dog’s go. The dog holds its action, awaiting a command from its master as to what to do, given that someone has just joined it and has just kind of cosied up and fallen asleep in front of him.
BEN & LYDIA
Aww.
BRYN
Chew toy!
LYDIA
Tail wagging!
BRYN
Squeak squeak, squeak squeak!
ALEX
Okay. Sasha, you’re up, and you’re currently tied to a…
LYDIA
I untangle my arm.
ALEX
Okay, you use one move action to remove your arm.
LYDIA
Okay. I, I shout –
SASHA
Don’t throw it, we give up!
LYDIA
At the boss who I know.
BEN
That was very impressive, I was actually phrasing the way to surrender.
[LAUGHTER]
BEN
I was like, “I really hope Sasha doesn’t do anything to further antagonise – oh no, good, good.”
SASHA
Don’t, don’t hurt them. I give up. I mean, we give up.
ZOLF
I surrender as well!
SASHA
Yeah, we’re very surrendering! Very.
ZOLF
Look, I’m putting it down.
BEN
I kind of start lowering my shield just in case they try to stab me some more.
ALEX
Okay, the one who’s…
LYDIA
Lower your trident, not your shield!
BEN
Shield and trident, shield and trident.
ALEX
So, yeah, the guy who is dual wielding just says,
ALEX (ASHEN)
Drop the weapon, Sasha and… (disdainfully) pals.
[JAMES-AS-BERTIE SNORES LOUDLY]
BEN
I do what you say, drop the weapon and the shield.
LYDIA
I drop the dagger that I am holding.
ALEX
Okay.
LYDIA
Hmm, down to four.
BEN
I will also just, um, as I drop the weapons, just kind of sort of grab hold of my pendant, sort of in a comfort way, and start muttering. And when my turn comes around, if we’re still in combat technically, Cure Light Wounds on myself.
[SFX: THE NOISES OF PEOPLE CHATTERING IN THE MARKETPLACE START FADING IN AGAIN]
ALEX
Okay, so the guy sees that you’ve dropped them, he’ll then go –
ALEX (ASHEN)
Kick their weapons away.
ALEX
The one who was just flanking Hamid, very cautiously around Zolf, joins his friend, and they just pull your sword and trident away.
BEN
While they do that I will want to use that to surreptitiously…
ALEX
Yeah, that’s fine, you can do it then. So give yourself your cure.
BEN
Yes. How do we do spell failure, do I just roll a D10 and then…?
BRYN
Yep.
ALEX
Yep, it’s just a flat percentage chance, and it’s a 20% chance of failure because of the deafness.
BEN
Oh, actually, I need to roll a percentile, I guess?
ALEX
Also, I’m going to go ahead and say that you didn’t hear him say “put your weapons down.” You’re doing this of your own, because you’re deaf, my friend. Completely…
BRYN
Mm.
BEN
Ohhhh, I forgot!
ALEX
…completely deaf.
BEN
Yes, okay.
BRYN
These guys are also deaf so won’t have heard the instruction to kick.
LYDIA
Ohhh.
BEN
Oooh, very good point!
LYDIA
Oh no.
ALEX
True! Thankfully what he’s doing is he has seen that the fight has stopped, the one who has freaked out by you is still going to carry on doing because he sees someone putting their weapons down. But that’s a very good point. (laughing, unconvincingly:) This isn’t me backtracking and really carefully covering my tracks.
BEN
(poshly) We’ve all inferred from the situation.
[DICE ROLLS]
LYDIA
I would say they will always be –
BRYN
You failed.
LYDIA
And those two henchman will always be very aware of what their boss is doing.
ALEX
Oh, of course.
LYDIA
He’s so, if he’s…
ALEX
Yeah, yeah.
LYDIA
Yeah.
ALEX
I mean, the one that knocked Hamid down is quite frankly openly scared. One of them – let’s see, there was Bertie who just took out one of his friends instantly, another one of you launched something which terrified the dogs and made the other one not particularly effective as far as he can tell, and one of you has turned into a dragon-handed monstrosity briefly. He, yeah, he’s visibly scared, and has been checking to see if his boss is watching.
BEN
Luckily they hopefully don’t know that I’m a cleric because I haven’t done anything clerical.
ALEX
Right. Yeah, so they come over and they just pull your stuff away, and they don’t try and wield it or anything.
ALEX (ASHEN)
Sasha, do come out where I can see you.
LYDIA
So I step away from the tent but the mass of bodies are still between me and…
ALEX
Sure.
LYDIA
…and Mr Boss Man.
[DICE ROLLS]
BRYN
Hamid stops bleeding.
ALEX
Okay.
LYDIA
Yay!
BRYN
That was a Fort save.
BEN
Just a little bit of self-maintenance thing.
BRYN
Yup.
SASHA
Just let me look after these guys, right, just let – let me check on them.
ALEX
Okay. As you’re saying that, all of the stall holders, by the way, and the people who are around, proceed to start putting their swords back underneath the counter – this is not the first fight they’ve seen here.
LYDIA
Not today!
ALEX
The eel seller pokes his head out from his large cauldron. It’s not a fired cauldron, it’s just a wet cauldron. Pokes himself out from that, sees that his thing is on fire, climbs out and starts, you know, pouring brine over the fire.
LYDIA
Just slapping it with eels!
[LAUGHTER]
“Special barbecued eels, everyone!”
BEN
So I’m thinking my next character is definitely going to be an eel ranger.
ALEX
I believe the term is eel wrangler.
BEN
An eel wrangler, yeah.
LYDIA
Can you got – not – get Summon Eel at some point from your Poseidon?
BEN
Actually, I think I can already summon an eel.
[SNICKERING]
LYDIA
Just chose not to!
ALEX
So yeah, the boss –
ALEX (ASHEN)
(smug) Oh, Sasha. Well, what a shame. You do keep tending to muck things up, don’t you, Sasha?
SASHA
I managed to, I managed to get out of… no, yeah. Yeah, no, I didn’t manage much.
ALEX (ASHEN)
Alright. You and your club-footed friend there can grab your mates, and you’re going to be coming with us.
ZOLF
(louder) What’s he saying?
LYDIA
I walk over.
ZOLF
My, my – I can’t hear anything.
LYDIA
I come over to you, hold your shoulder, sort of tap at your cleric thing, and gesture at the others – the people on the floor.
ZOLF
What – oh, yeah, no, I’ll get on that. Am I okay to do that, is that okay?
SASHA
Yeah, he said yeah.
ZOLF
Good.
SASHA
And look after them.
ALEX
Meanwhile the two people that were basically taking out some of the party come back over to the boss. They are all keeping an eye on you guys, but you definitely overhear the conversation of, “No, grab the ones that are down – (louder) grab the ones –” Starts gesturing because obviously they’ve got Deafened and all that kind of thing, but it looks like he is telling them to pick up his guys as well.
LYDIA
Yeah.
BEN
Yeah, I’ll walk over to both Hamid and Bertie and make sure that they are stabilised, which they’ve done so themselves…
ALEX
They are.
BRYN
Mhm.
BEN
…my Heal can’t do anything else. Or could it–?
ALEX
Your normal Heal check can’t.
BEN
Yeah, I can’t.
ALEX
If you were to do a Cure Light Wound, you could get them up and going…
BEN
After that last spell failed, I was like, “Oh, something has gone wrong,” because I couldn’t hear myself talking.
ALEX
Yeah, yeah.
BEN
I’m going to wait, and instead of wasting all my spells – it’s only an hour so.
ALEX
Okay. One of the guys picks up his friend and takes position by the boss. The boss dual-wielding these oil flasks sort of comes around, gestures to you –
ALEX (ASHEN)
Right. You, and your friends, you’re going to go where I tell you.
ALEX
And he gestures towards the alleyway that he had been looking out from, that you initially saw him from.
SASHA
Well, I came, I came because they – so there were some guys came up to, to, to, you know, Upper London, and they said to come down, that – you know, that Barret wanted to say hi, about Brock.
ALEX (ASHEN)
(overlapping) Sasha, Sasha. You seem to be under the idea that I care.
[BEAT]
SASHA
I mean, I’m doing what he wanted, right, so…
ALEX (ASHEN)
You – walk. Your stumpy little friend – walk.
BEN
Who is still working on… and not hearing this!
LYDIA
I grab you by the shoulder.
ZOLF
What, what, what?
LYDIA
Finger to the lips and slump like a broken thing, and slump towards the alleyway that we were going down.
ALEX (ASHEN)
You have an appointment, Sasha. Alright?
BEN
I will get up and fall back over, and go –
ZOLF
I need something to walk with.
LYDIA
Ohhh.
BEN
I try and get back up again, fake-fall over again.
ALEX
I’m going to get the boss to do a Sense Motive on your enormous bluff there. You may want to do a Bluff roll.
BEN
I probably should do a Bluff check, yeah.
[DICE ROLLS]
ALEX
Ooh, he’s not very good.
[DICE ROLLS]
BEN
Still a nice – Four!
ALEX
Four total?
BEN
Yeah.
ALEX
He beats you with a five!
[LAUGHTER]
So there’s you going, (unconvincingly) “Ohhh, noooo, I’m falling over,” and he’s just going…
BEN
“It’s a good deception… but I think…”
ALEX
“What a clever ruse, I am such an intelligent and charismatic man.”
BEN
“Oh no, I have fallen and I cannot get up!”
ALEX
He just raises an eyebrow at you and goes,
ALEX (ASHEN)
If you’d like I could cut off his other leg so he’s nice and balanced?
SASHA
Don’t, don’t, don’t, don’t – don’t mess with them.
ZOLF
What?
[ALEX LAUGHS]
LYDIA
I try and communicate with my eyes, but I don’t really have a very expressive face, so.
[SNICKERING]
ALEX (ASHEN)
Right. Move.
ZOLF
Alright, fair enough.
LYDIA
Agh, expressions everywhere. Expressions of panic, fear, terror, dread.
ALEX
So presumably you all start moving off?
LYDIA
Bit of confusion.
BEN & LYDIA
Yes.
ALEX
Okay. You start heading off down that alleyway, and it becomes quickly apparent that you’re moving from the marketplaces to, frankly, a more run-down area.
[NOISES OF PEOPLE TALKING BECOME FAINTER]
[THE SOUNDS OF TRICKLING WATER AND CHILDREN CRYING COME IN]
It starts to slope downhill, and as it does, it starts to feel a bit damper.
LYDIA
And sadder.
ALEX
It does. Sadder is a good word to describe it. You start seeing some people who are kind of making do with the buildings that have been more destroyed, you know, it starts feeling a bit more like a slum and a bit less like a reclaimed city.
You keep heading down. As you do the guys who are walking behind you stay very, very quiet, keeping an eye on the boss. The boss has got the most insufferable sneer on. The most insufferable sneer – Christmas came early and it was his birthday!
JAMES
(as Bertie) He’s Jesus?!
[LAUGHTER]
LYDIA
(as Sasha) No. No, Bertie, he is not.
JAMES
I’m still unconscious, so…
LYDIA
Yep. It’s hard to tell the difference, honestly.
[JAMES SNICKERS]
ALEX
So, walking along, yeah, it starts deteriorating. You go down a couple of left turns, a couple of right turns. And you come to another sort of staircase, this one leading down into what looks like a lower level again.
SASHA
I told you, I told you we shouldn’t come here. I’ve told you, like – why are we here?
ZOLF
(loud) What?
[LAUGHTER]
LYDIA
Yeah. I’m mostly talking because I know you can’t hear, so the idea that you’ve actually responded is even more terrifying than…
SASHA
Oh, nothing, nothing.
BEN
I can see your mouth working.
ZOLF
I can’t hear you, I can’t –
ALEX
At this point Hamid and Bertie start to come to on the backs of these guys…
LYDIA
Wait, which one of us is carrying Bertie?
BEN
I’m not.
JAMES
(simultaneously) Zolf, presumably.
BEN
No, goodness no!
LYDIA
Neither of us.
ALEX
What we’ll say is that one of the guys who was free is dragging him and you are helping.
BEN
Oh, okay, yeah, sure. That makes sense.
LYDIA
I think two of them, like he is a big…
BEN
I’m not weak.
LYDIA
I can carry Hamid.
ALEX
It’s a dragging weight. It’s not over the shoulders, it is literally a kchhhh… (makes scraping noise) You know, his head, donk, donk, donk, donk.
LYDIA
Oh, his poor armour.
BEN
Poor armour, yeah.
ALEX
Donk, donk.
JAMES
(as Bertie) Arrrrgh!
ALEX
Okay. You both come to at one hit point each and feel terrible.
BRYN
Yeah.
ALEX
Bertie, you come to because your head bounces off a particularly large flagstone. Dink, dink, dink, dink!
JAMES
Are you absolutely sure that I notice my head impacted?
ALEX
(laughing) I didn’t say you noticed it, I just said you woke up!
JAMES
Yeah. Right, fair enough.
ALEX
Hamid, yeah, you come to sort of across Sasha’s shoulders, and, yeah, you have – one of the men is basically tugging Bertie, the other one is back with his boss with one of his mates over his shoulder, still holding a sword, and the boss is dual-wielding still those oil flasks threateningly.
SASHA
Yeah. (quietly) I’m sorry, Hamid. This isn’t the sort of place for the likes of you.
HAMID
Owwwww.
ALEX
Down the stairs.
HAMID
(rasping) Where are they taking us?
SASHA
Further down is more of this. Just gets worse and worse. It’s, er…
I mean it’s not, it’s not a nice place – I tried to warn you all, I tried and no one ever, no one listens, do they? No, so.
BERTIE
Ugh. Ugh. Can we order room service? Urghhhh.
SASHA
(muttering to herself) You guys are not going to like it down here. Did you like the eel? No. See?
ZOLF
(loud) What?
[LAUGHTER]
ALEX
Okay, so we’ll skip ahead and – because it’s lots more of whats and muttering and room service and sadness, just sadness, from Hamid.
[NOISES OF PEOPLE CUT OUT]
You guys carry on heading down, and you start entering areas which are still run-down, but there don’t seem to be many people anymore. And given how crowded the sort of damper area that you were going through before was, you’d have expected there to be more people.
Sasha, of course, knowing this area, knows very well that she is entering effectively the contested territories of the underground gangs, so it’s no surprise to you that there’s no one here.
LYDIA
Well, no one visible.
ALEX
Yeah, that’s a good way of putting it. No man’s land is no man’s land, even if it is underground.
LYDIA
Yeah. You know, someone like me knows the cracks in the building so you can see the eyes of the scavenging kids dashing about, but there’s, no one’s – so like, automatically, I check my pockets.
ALEX
So as you continue down… Sasha, you start approaching a large building that you recognise, very much so, as being a rather large, rather important building that you’d rather stay away from.
LYDIA
Yep.
ALEX
And with that, we’re going to take a break, and we’ll come back in a couple of minutes!
[BREAK]
ALEX
And welcome back. Yeah, so you’re approaching a large building. To everyone who is conscious and isn’t Sasha, it looks like you’re approaching what once was some kind of town hall. Probably not like the central town hall of London or anything, but certainly large, again, columns. It actually seems in good repair.
Everything around it is almost crumbled. It’s very clear that people have been brought down here to fix it up, and I don’t mean sort of corrugated iron, I mean there have been masons here. The stone walls are back up. There is a fence – so they have columns out front like you’d expect, like an overhang from the upper floor, and they have fencing rigged up between those columns. There is a metallic gate in the middle so that you’d have to pass through the fence and the gate before you can even get to the front doors, which are large and oak – they seem to be the original doors.
There are a couple of guys, both with dogs, on either side, and they see you coming. The boss of the people that was fighting you just calls ahead.
ALEX (ASHEN)
Strip them down, send them in, you know what to do.
LYDIA
I stop in front of the front gates.
ALEX
The guards, each of whom has a bull mastiff, that makes the ones that you were dealing with clearly lower down the pecking order.
LYDIA
I stop. I will not go towards them – everyone bangs into me, I’m guessing. Like, I do not want to go forwards –
ALEX
Sure, sure.
LYDIA
– into this front door. I have no strategy, I just do not move forwards for at least a moment.
BEN
To clarify, have I got my hearing back, or is it still within the hour?
ALEX
Your hearing is juuuust sort of coming back. Any muttered conversation, anything like that, you’re not going to have.
Bertie and Hamid, you’re still at the one hit point, but you would have been able to sort of start staggering along if you choose.
LYDIA
I stop. I do not want to go through those doors.
ALEX (ASHEN)
(arched eyebrow) Sasha, do we have a problem?
SASHA
Is there – I mean, Barret wanted me to come and talk, so why – I mean, he could come out here, like, and…
ALEX (ASHEN)
I’m sorry, Barret could come out here to meet little old you?
SASHA
Well, maybe I could just – maybe if it’s not that important then we could just go! Like, these guys, they’re from Upper London, Ashen, they don’t – they’ve got no business here.
ALEX (ASHEN)
Really, I had no idea!
ALEX
Sort of tapping on the golden filigree of Bertie.
BERTIE
I say, do you mind?
ALEX (ASHEN)
No, not really, no.
SASHA
Shut up, Bertie.
BERTIE
Ugh, brrm… (disgruntled muttering)
SASHA
This is not the place.
Like, I told them not to come, they’re just stupid, okay. They’re not problems for you, they’re not involved in any of your argum… your territory stuff. You know – just take the cash and we will leave, and there will be no problems – like, people will look for these guys, right, people care about them!
ALEX (ASHEN)
Well.
ZOLF
It’s true, we will have people come and look for us.
SASHA
Yeah, like he’s mates with…
BERTIE
Who are you calling stupid?
SASHA
He – They’ve got friends, right, it will be more trouble for you to keep them here. Just let them go.
ALEX (ASHEN)
Right, okay, if that’s enough. Alright, okay? Right, right, we all good, yeah?
Right. You’re my catch, Sasha, mine. It’s about time that I managed to bring you back, right? So what’s going to happen: you’re going to go in, your friends are going to go in, everyone’s going to have a lovely little tête-à-tête, right, and then I’m sure that things will work themselves out, yeah? And the difference is, I’d rather send you in there without a burn on your face but I’m quite happy to do it, Sasha. Quite happy.
ALEX
As part of this commotion happens, there’s a balcony up above the main entrance and a couple of bay doors open, and, Sasha, you recognise the comparatively well-dressed man who comes out.
LYDIA
Yeah.
ALEX
For the rest of you, he is, he’s older. In fact, you realise that a lot of the people that you’ve been seeing around Other London are comparatively younger – you’ve not seen anyone bordering on the elderly. This guy is sort of pushing 50, and he has got a grey beard. He’s not – he’s well-kept, not Hamid-style of obsession about appearance, but certainly he’s well put together.
He steps up to the balcony and just leans across. He’s not austerely dressed but very plainly dressed. Well-dressed but very plain. Maybe with a larger cloak around his shoulders just for the look of the thing, but there’s no gold, there’s no rings, there’s nothing particularly of worth on him.
However, he leans across, sees what is happening.
SASHA
(quietly) We should not be here.
ALEX (WELL-DRESSED MAN)
Ashen. Do we have a problem?
ALEX (ASHEN)
– No, sir, no, no, (laughs nervously) it’s fine. It’s fine.
ALEX (WELL-DRESSED MAN)
Sasha. Do come in. I won’t have you harmed or your, mmm… friends.
[SASHA INHALES, EXHALES]
ALEX
And then he literally just steps back, closes the doors and heads inside.
SASHA
Alright, I guess.
ZOLF
Looks about as safe as it’s going to get.
SASHA
This is not safe.
HAMID
I think we should just do what they tell us.
BRYN
I still look a bit terrified and I’m clearly quite, er, demoralised.
ALEX
Sure.
SASHA
You guys have no idea.
LYDIA
I step forward through the gate.
ALEX
Yeah. The guards start patting you down for daggers and so on. Do you want to do any sleight of hand, to hide stuff you’re holding?
LYDIA
Yes! I would like to try and hide at least one dagger.
ALEX
Mhm. It would be a separate check for each.
LYDIA
Okay, well, I’ll try and hide as many daggers as I can!
ALEX
Do you have one in a spring sheath, unused?
LYDIA
Yes. One of them.
ALEX
That you get a bonus to hide, so I’d recommend trying to hide that one.
LYDIA
Right, yes, because I used one of the spring things to throw and then the other one – yeah, cool. So what do I have to do?
ALEX
Just roll a Sleight of Hand check.
LYDIA
Okay. I get 7 on that, bonus on that, so…
[DICE ROLLS]
The first one: 18 plus 7.
ALEX
Plus the bonus that you get for the wrist sheath.
LYDIA
Yeah.
ALEX
Yep. They start patting you down, they pluck a couple of other things from you like the thunderstone… not the thunderstone, sorry – the oil flask, things like that. I should roll a check but honestly I don’t…
LYDIA
I should roll for the other daggers, or?
ALEX
If you want to, but I’d bear in mind that if they find one that’s hidden that you’re trying to hide, they’re going to assume you’re hiding others.
LYDIA
Okay, I’ll let them take the other ones.
ALEX
Yeah. I’m going to check on the off chance that they could but I think they’d have to roll…
[DICE ROLLS]
Yeah, they’d have to roll incredibly high to beat your sleight of hand, so they –
LYDIA
Now I get the rules!
[LAUGHTER]
Like, for goodness’ sake!
ALEX
So they pat you down, they take the items that were readily apparent, they put them in sort of a coat, take your jacket off you and put it in there, and they just hold it, the jacket with all of the stuff. They just…
LYDIA
If they take my jacket then my wrist sheath is just sitting there on my wrist, but I’m that good.
JAMES
Are you wearing a shirt or something?
LYDIA
Oh, yeah, I guess.
BEN
If it’s a sleight of hand it has probably tucked it under the shirt, you are working to keep it hidden.
LYDIA
Yeah, cool.
ALEX
Yeah, yeah. So they dump that to the side and gesture inside. They then proceed to – they don’t even ask Zolf, they take the trident and shield that have already been handed over.
BEN
Yeah, I wasn’t holding them, I dropped them.
ALEX
Have you got any other weapons on you?
BEN
Yeah, I’ve got a mace.
ALEX
So yeah, they will – obviously they’ll be taking the mace.
LYDIA
(laughing) You can try and sleight-of-hand the mace…
BEN
“Oh, this? No, no.”
LYDIA
…ram it up your sleeve.
BEN
“I’m pregnant.”
[LAUGHTER]
“With a mace!” “Ahhhh!”
ALEX
They dump that on the side. Hamid?
BRYN
I’m carrying a crossbow, a bunch of bolts, two daggers, and about a hundred gold pieces.
LYDIA
(wincing) Ooh.
BRYN
And a healing potion.
ALEX
They’ll put all of that in the pile. Again you see a couple of other people draw near, and Ashen’s like,
ALEX (ASHEN)
Oh no, oh no. None of that, lads, none of that.
ALEX
Bertie?
JAMES
Right. So I’ve got sword, armour, two swords, because I’ve got my bastard sword and my rapier.
ALEX
So you’ve got the rapier for the formal occasions?
JAMES
Yeah. As far as I’m aware Bertie doesn’t have a gag reflex but there’s nothing on my character sheet to suggest that, so I can’t conceal either of those things about me anyway.
ALEX
Sure. As Bertie steps up, the two guards with their dogs literally draw weapons and ready them around you. Two more guys who are on the doors gesture to people inside and two other guys come out, so there’s at least four people around you as you’re stood there in your full plate armour, obviously drawing to hand over a bastard sword or something. And they are all, every single person is ready. There’s two archers up on the balustrades as well, both of which with crossbows aimed at you.
SASHA
(quietly) No trouble, Bertie, just give it up.
BERTIE
Well, really. I’ve never been so outrageously treated in all of my life! Look at you, bruuugh. Urgh! Urrrrgh!
[BEN LAUGHS]
SASHA
Look, he’s just stupid, he’s not trying to –
BERTIE
Who are you calling stupid?!
SASHA
You, Bertie, to save your life!
BERTIE
Urgh.
[LAUGHTER]
Really!
ALEX
Presumably this is happening as you’re taking stuff off and handing it over…?
JAMES
Yeah. Complaining.
HAMID
Come on, Bertie, it will be okay.
BERTIE
Nooooo.
BRYN
I put a reassuring hand on your, um…
BEN
Thigh…
BRYN
…knee, I guess.
[LAUGHTER]
JAMES
Oh, I have my potion for Cure Light Wounds I haven’t done anything with.
LYDIA
I’m guessing they – do they take everything of value or only dangerous…?
ALEX
They’ll be taking that off you as well.
BEN
Actually, that’s a point…
JAMES
And my gold.
BEN
While they’re taking stuff off, as they take the potion, I’m like,
ZOLF
Do you mind? I’m sure your boss wouldn’t want us to be looking all scruffy when we meet him.
ALEX (ASHEN)
I’m also sure he wouldn’t want you to sprout wings and spit fire from your… No!
ZOLF
Do I really look like the kind of person who’s going to have a potion that would do that?
ALEX (ASHEN)
I’m sorry, your dragony friend over here, or… what, what are you?
HAMID
Um, what? Me?
ZOLF
He’s a halfling.
HAMID
I’m just an ordinary halfling.
SASHA
He’s just a…
BRYN
I give a very worried smile.
[LAUGHTER]
I can bluff really well, I’m kind of too freaked out to do so right now.
ALEX
Sure. The guys just snatch that Cure Light Wounds from you and from Bertie as well.
ZOLF
Suit yourself.
ALEX
Dump it all themselves, and then gesture for you to head inside. Presumably you do so, again?
BEN
Yeah.
ALEX
You head inside, and suddenly it’s almost like you were in Upper London, in somewhere that Bertie would feel almost accustomed to.
BERTIE
Oh, this is much better.
SASHA
It’s not.
BERTIE
Where’s your room?
SASHA
Down in the basement again, probably.
ALEX
Yeah. There’s tapestries, carpeting, some stairs. You head up to the stairs and it’s very clear that you’re being led straight to the, whatever room the guy who looked out over the balcony was. And they gesture to some very, very worn-looking sort of walnut-panelled doors. It’s not gold on the door handles, but it’s certainly, like, faux.
ZOLF
I’ve got to say, I think it could be, it could have turned out a lot worse than it did, so…
SASHA
You think it could turn out worse than this?
ZOLF
Yes!
SASHA
Do you know who these guys are?
ZOLF
They’re probably criminals of some form. – You realise that I’ve been a little bit round the world and seen some of the worst pirates around, so let’s stop this whole, “oh, you don’t know what you’re getting into.”
SASHA
Alright, okay.
ZOLF
(intensely) Mercenary for a reason. Okay?
BERTIE
I thought we’d been taken prisoner by poor people, so this is much better.
ALEX
At which point, you know, the door opens from the inside. There is what looks to be a butler who is opening the door. He just, he gestures into the room.
[SOFT TINKLING MUSIC FADES IN]
It’s a large office – again, very, very opulently – not golden, but it’s like – again, it has that sort of austere quality that the man who was looking out on the balcony had.
JAMES
Good quality, well-maintained.
ALEX
Good quality, well-maintained, no frippery. There’s no gilding anywhere. There’s a bookcase on one side, very well-maintained – some of the books are a little bit tatty, but they look tatty with use, not miscare. There’s a very large desk at the opposite end.
BRYN
What are the books on?
ALEX
Give me a Perception check.
[DICE ROLLS]
BRYN
19, 26.
ALEX
Pretty much everything. Like it’s a really, really eclectic collection. There’s definitely a couple of magical books in there. Also, there’s something on engineering, the mechanics of the lightning railway…
BRYN
I got 25, sorry.
ALEX
Oh, you’re still more than high enough. Stuff to do with, there’s a couple to do with healing, mundane healing – like it’s a really, really eclectic collection.
BRYN
I just, you know, if I wanted to start a conversation later on an appropriate topic, I could pluck something from one of the books to discuss.
ALEX
I’m going to be honest, pick a topic. Like I said, they look well-read. Whoever has been reading these knows quite a lot about quite a lot of things.
BRYN
Yeah.
ALEX
On the far side, there’s a very small drinks cabinet with, you know, even without a Perception roll Bertie recognises there’s a couple of decent wines and some brandy in there, a personal favourite. And, yeah, there’s the large desk behind which is sat that man.
Let’s call him. Up close, he seems about 50 years old. He seems very calm, almost, um, gentle – like he’s not, he doesn’t seem to be frowning or anything, and he doesn’t seem to be putting anything on, just very calm. Very, very, very sedate.
There’s a door off to the opposite side of the bookcase which is slightly ajar. But, yeah, there’s two chairs opposite the desk and obviously there’s space for all of you, it’s quite a large office.
ALEX (WELL-DRESSED MAN)
Do come in, Sasha and… friends, shall we say?
JAMES
Bertie immediately moves and takes one of the seats.
ALEX (WELL-DRESSED MAN)
Mm.
LYDIA
I sit down.
ALEX (WELL-DRESSED MAN)
Very nice.
BEN
Walk in and stay standing.
ALEX (WELL-DRESSED MAN)
Do introduce me, Sasha.
SASHA
This is Bertie. Bertie is –
BERTIE
Sir Bertrand MacGuffingham, burgh, yes! Hmmm.
ALEX (WELL-DRESSED MAN)
Of Old Bottom?
BERTIE
Of Old Bottom, ahhhh, yes! I thought – ooh, do I recognise you?
ALEX (WELL-DRESSED MAN)
Hmm. I doubt it.
BERTIE
Hmmm.
SASHA
This is Hamid.
HAMID
Hamid, hi.
BRYN
Anyone who is looking at Hamid much will tell that he is, like, rigid. And he’s normally very relaxed. He’s like, his hands are holding each other very tightly and you can just if you’re, if you’re – you know, if you’re perceptive, you’ll notice that his knuckles are almost white.
LYDIA
He hasn’t even Prestidigitatised his dress to clean it up.
BRYN
Nope. He still looks a bit rough.
LYDIA
Oh, no.
ALEX (WELL-DRESSED MAN)
Hmm, Ham… Do you have a surname, Hamid?
HAMID
It’s Hamid Saleh Haroun al-Tahan.
ALEX (WELL-DRESSED MAN)
Hmmm.
Very nice.
ZOLF
Oh, Zolf Smith. No titles associated.
ALEX (WELL-DRESSED MAN)
Hello. And of course, our dear Sasha.
SASHA
I only met them today, they’ve got like, they’ve got – or yesterday, I guess. Like I’ve got, just, they’ve got no reason –
ALEX (WELL-DRESSED MAN)
A formal introduction would begin with the host.
SASHA
(inhales) This is Barret Racket. He rules, how many floors of…
ALEX (WELL-DRESSED MAN – BARRET)
It’s six now.
SASHA
Six floors of Other London.
ALEX (BARRET)
Mm.
SASHA
You ever put something down and wonder where it went?
BERTIE
All the time, really! All the time!
SASHA
Well, most of it’ll end up here. See if there’s anything that you recognise.
ALEX
Barret gives a really, really benign smile and sort of puts his hands up and gives a little bit of a “ooh.”
ALEX (BARRET)
So. Sasha, I did send messengers, but they all seemed to come back… worse than they left.
SASHA
Well, I sort of assumed that you didn’t have my best intentions at heart, seeing as…
ALEX (BARRET)
After everything we did for you. You were very successful with us, Sasha.
SASHA
Yeah, and then you, I don’t know, sold me to –
ALEX (BARRET)
I’d never do such a thing.
SASHA
Like, you sent me up to Upper London and then –
ALEX (BARRET)
Formalised your education.
SASHA
And then killed… I… yeah! Right. So, you’re such lovely gentle people. That’s –
ALEX (BARRET)
What a shame. All of those tutors, and none of them taught you how to hold a conversation.
Well, I sadly have to get back to business. You’ll be sad to hear we’re not wanting you back any time soon. What we do want, however, is we want the will.
SASHA
The what?
ALEX (BARRET)
Oh yes, very clever.
SASHA
He stands up and goes over to the drinks cabinet, walking – actually, you know, very close to you. If any of you wanted to try anything, you could probably manage.
BERTIE
I’ll have a brandy.
[LAUGHTER]
ALEX (BARRET)
Good choice.
ALEX
He starts pouring himself and Bertie a brandy.
BEN
I’ll just pop my hand on Hamid’s shoulder and seeing as he’s obviously not doing very well, sort of in a friendly pat, just a “it’s okay, it will be fine.”
ALEX
He comes back with a brandy and puts one in front of Bertie.
ALEX (BARRET)
I know, that you know, that we made it to the house and had a… recce. And I know that you know that we were looking for something.
SASHA
Well, I mean, I just – I saw that things were messed up and I thought I’d take my chances elsewhere.
[BARRET SIGHS]
ALEX (BARRET)
Sasha. Now, your friends do seem lovely people, but you have quite a lot of them. We can whittle that down.
Where. Is. The will, Sasha?
SASHA
I don’t – what does it look like, I don’t know what it is – like, I don’t know. Like, Martev, he never told me anything. He was just like you, you know? Just you but in a better suit.
ALEX (BARRET)
Well. That’s debatable. Oh, Sasha.
SASHA
He looks around – kind of looks to Bertie, to Zolf, then to Hamid. Lingers on Hamid. Sort of leans across with his brandy.
ALEX (BARRET)
Al-Tahan, was it?
BRYN
I lean over to Bertie, just kind of go –
HAMID
Do you mind?
BRYN
And I reach for his brandy.
[SOFT SNICKERING FROM PLAYERS]
And you can now finally tell that my hand is shaking, and I just, I’ll try and take it from you. Like, obviously I’m not going to, like…
BERTIE
Oh, steady! I, can we have another brandy over here!
[LAUGHTER]
ALEX
Yeah, he raises an eyebrow, gestures to his butler, who walks across, fills a halfling-sized glass – yeah, they have an actual halfling glass – and passes it to…
BEN
I’m assuming that the interim is a reasonably awkward silence.
ALEX
Oh, yeah, uh –
BERTIE
Wouldn’t want mine, old chap, mostly backwash at this point.
ALEX
Yeah the only one who isn’t awkward at this point is everyone apart from…
BEN
Bertie.
ALEX
…Barret. And Bertie.
BRYN
I look like I’m about to burst into tears. But I’ll take the glass – and my hand is shaking quite a lot now – and I just drain it and then look at the floor.
ALEX (BARRET)
You may not be aware, but certain of your party are significantly more well-known than others, and it would be a shame if they were to disappear. People might come looking, but they only look so far. And I’m not accustomed to repeating myself. So this is the last –
SASHA
I don’t know! Like, look, okay. I’ll, I’ll, I’ll – don’t hurt him, he’s just – he’s not used to this kind of stuff, like. So we can, I’ll help you, I’ll help you look for it, I don’t – yeah, I’ll go back to the house, I’ll look. I’ll check, I’ll unlock all of, all of the safes. I think I know where he was keeping stuff, I just never managed to get in.
ALEX
He raises an eyebrow.
ALEX (BARRET)
Do come in.
ALEX
The door that’s opposite to the bookcase opens, revealing a figure. They are shrouded in a cloak, completely shrouded in a cloak – in fact, it’s more like a, like an abbot’s gown or something. Like, it has sleeves as well, it’s covering the hands, really pulled very far over their head. The person can probably barely see the floor.
JAMES
Height?
ALEX
Height is about 7 foot tall.
JAMES
Okay.
LYDIA
Ooh!
ALEX
And they are gently bending their head to get in the room. They move very smoothly, very smoothly, and stand beside Barret. And then he just leans – Barret leans across to the person, who leans their head in very gracefully.
ALEX (BARRET)
Would you be so kind.
ALEX
The person comes round the table and towers above Sasha, and looks down.
LYDIA
I’m sitting down and, I assume, shaking – well – no, actually, no. Even when I’m terrified I don’t shake. My body is an unlucky weapon.
[SNICKERING]
ALEX
The figure bends down slightly and then you hear –
ALEX (FIGURE)
(whispering) Where is the will?
SASHA
I don’t know! I don’t know, I don’t know, I’m not lying to you, Barret! Do you think, do you think that I could lie to you?!
ALEX
Barret holds his hand up to you.
JAMES
This chap has got an awfully sore throat. Maybe he could do with a brandy as well?
ALEX
The figure from leaning over again straightens, leans in, whispers something very quietly. Barret nods.
ALEX (BARRET)
Hmm, fair enough. And the rest?
[BEAT]
Hmm. Interesting. I did not expect that.
SASHA
You know me, Barret, I’m useless, I’m not…
ALEX (BARRET)
Mm. Apparently.
BEN
So now that we’re entirely useless, I might interrupt –
ZOLF
But also, we’ll be missed and might be quite a lot of trouble to get rid of. Why don’t you just let us go on our way and we forget about this?
ALEX (BARRET)
Well, there’s still business to be done. I do believe you’re looking for some… shall we call them thieves, destructors, I’m not sure what the best term is. Surely information about them is worth something to you?
ZOLF
(carefully) Depends what it costs.
ALEX (BARRET)
It depends what it costs. It depends what you’re offering. I mean, to have friends in such…
ALEX
He looks to Bertie and then particularly at Hamid.
ALEX (BARRET)
High… places. I’d like to think that we could come to some kind of arrangement?
HAMID
Well, er, um, Mr, Mr Barret – my resources aren’t what they once were, but I’m sure we could arrange something that would satisfy you, maybe?
ALEX (BARRET)
Mmm. Mmm. And yourself, Master MacGuffingham?
BERTIE
Well, of course, obviously the estate of the MacGuffingham, I’ve fallen on – well, loads of money. Loads of… hmm, hmm. Hmmmmm.
Of course, the MacGuffingham name is often enough to extend the longest lines of credits and all of the most well-known establishments. I have, I would assume that it would be very similar in Other London, of course.
ALEX (BARRET)
Mm. Well. The idea of having such… estimable friends…
BERTIE
Oh, you!
[BEN LAUGHS]
ALEX (BARRET)
…and the rest… may actually be enough. I would like to think that if I was to extend the communication to yourselves you would be quick to reply, pertinently.
ZOLF
Again, that would have to depend on the nature of – correspondence.
ALEX
He nods. Reaches in and plucks out a wooden box. Lifts the lid, and you can’t see what’s inside – he reaches and he plucks out a single, just copper band ring.
ALEX (BARRET)
I would very much appreciate it if you two would be willing to wear this.
ZOLF
That’s not what I was asking.
ALEX (BARRET)
I didn’t realise I was beholden to you, Mr Smith.
ZOLF
I thought we were trying to do a deal here?
ALEX (BARRET)
We are. That’s why I am talking to the people who are able to offer me something I want, Mr Smith.
ZOLF
Alright. So I’ll advise them, then. If you don’t know what it might cost, not a very good deal.
ALEX (BARRET)
These are merely a means of communication.
BERTIE
Well, it doesn’t really go with the rest of the outfit, of course.
[LYDIA SNICKERS]
ALEX (BARRET)
Well.
LYDIA
The laugh was not in character.
[LAUGHTER]
ALEX
He closes the box, puts it to one side.
BRYN
Hamid just starts very slightly crying. There’s actual tears rolling down his face now.
BEN
Taking a look at Hamid –
ZOLF
Also, Mr Barret, as their employer, you are dealing with me.
ALEX (BARRET)
A fair statement, Mr Smith. Well then, it would seem I have a single condition to give you the information you require. However, it is a condition, not a negotiable one.
A single ring. I believe your friend is perfectly capable of discerning any harmful properties. All I would request is the ability to contact all of you, should I require it.
SASHA
Don’t, don’t do it, Hamid. He’s got, he’s got collars on people, things that give them lightning shocks. Like, he’s not a nice man!
BERTIE
He does seem like a bit of an oily tick to me.
ALEX (BARRET)
Hmm. Well, my dear Hamid. Why don’t you just take a look? You don’t even need to touch it.
ZOLF
Hang on a minute, you just want to make contact. That’s the only condition?
ALEX (BARRET)
And to be, have my messages received in a favourable light. I don’t even require you to listen, I just require you to take the time to receive the message.
ZOLF
“Taken in a favourable light” implies an opinion. You can’t control those. Unless, of course, there’s something about that ring that you’re not telling us?
ALEX (BARRET)
(restrained amusement) I do have to say that you can control opinions, given enough leverage.
BERTIE
Wouldn’t one of you…
ZOLF
(indistinct) appearance, I would say.
BERTIE
Wouldn’t one of you magic chaps be able to have a look at this and see if there’s anything special about it?
SASHA
Hamid – can you…?
HAMID
(shaky breath, sniffles) Okay. Okay.
BRYN
I take a moment to collect myself. You know, my Detect Magic spell is quite meditative anyway, so it’s actually – it helps me to go through the pattern of that, to just draw myself inwards and take a few deep breaths. Close my eyes, and Hamid looks like he is starting to reassert some control. And he casts Detect Magic.
ALEX
Okay, so what you discern is – the first thing you discern is a glare, just a glare from Barret, who is just awash with magical items. You could take the time to discern, but you’d have to be studying the guy, and…
BRYN
Which I’m not going to, no.
ALEX
…I’m not sure Hamid’s in that kind of a state. But yeah, it’s very much that to discern the ring, you have to deliberately take a point to ignore the quite bright glare from Barret.
Looking at the ring itself, you are able to effectively discern – can you give me a Knowledge: Arcana, please?
[DICE ROLLS]
BRYN
Well, I rolled a 3, but I do have 7, so that’s 10 total.
ALEX
10. You’re able to discern that it is not especially powerful, and given the things that Sasha was talking about – so items that can punish the wearer and things like that – they tend to be at the high-power end. You’re not able to discern…
BRYN
If I study it long enough I can learn the school of magic.
ALEX
Presumably you do so?
BRYN
Yeah.
ALEX
Okay.
BRYN
Because that’s going to tell me whether it’s likely – not certain, but likely, to be harmful or not.
ALEX
Sure. So studying it you see that it appears to be one for the Divination school, which, for those of you that don’t know, would make sense to do with the sending of messages. Divination – actually, for listeners, to spell out, there’s obviously these different schools: Divination is one dedicated to foresight, the sending of messages, communication.
BRYN
Knowledge.
ALEX
Knowledge. Things like that. So it would, it would make sense, at least.
HAMID
(still shaky) It’s probably not harmful.
SASHA
I don’t believe anything coming from Barret isn’t harmful.
ALEX (BARRET)
(overlapping) I’ve never been known to lie.
ZOLF
Tell you what, then: how about I put on the ring and I can relay the messages?
ALEX (BARRET)
Oh, that’s perfectly agreed.
ZOLF
Good.
ALEX (BARRET)
Under the assumption, of course, that you and your… “subordinates” –
BERTIE
Burgh, urgh. I wouldn’t go that far!
ALEX (BARRET)
– were to stay together.
ZOLF
“Employees,” and yes, they are bound by a contract.
ALEX (BARRET)
Very good.
BEN
That’s a bluff, if, er…
[SNICKERING]
ALEX
Oh! Right, okay.
BEN
Cos, they ain’t signed nothin’!
BRYN
I’m going to interrupt and go –
HAMID
No. No, Zolf, I’m not going to let you do that.
BRYN
And I grab the ring, and I shove it on.
[SASHA EXHALES]
ALEX
You have no tangible effects. Nothing happens, nothing goes weird.
LYDIA
There’s a pause, like, I look at you like I expect your hand to blow up.
[LAUGHTER]
It’s almost embarrassing when it doesn’t.
BRYN
I struggle to make eye contact with the two of you.
ALEX (BARRET)
If it’s any consolation, Hamid, I had the pleasure of meeting your father once. He was also a very excellent communicator. Just the once.
BRYN
I look puzzled.
Much like my actual face is, but I have to articulate it –
[LAUGHTER]
LYDIA
Describe it.
BRYN
– articulate it out loud.
ALEX (BARRET)
Well then, it seems that it would be fair for me to give you something.
ALEX
He pulls out from a drawer a little bit of parchment and passes it to Zolf. Upon it is written what looks like a very bizarre map. Sasha sees it in the passing and it is very clearly an Other London map, where the key covers stuff like layers. So it’s a route that sort of goes up, then down, then up, down, down, up, down, up, down, which to Zolf, you’ve seen one before but…
BEN
But I’m not used to it.
ALEX
No, not at all. It’s a very weird way of doing maps. It’s perfectly transparent to Sasha.
ALEX (BARRET)
If you were to follow that, you would find yourselves at a compound, and in that compound you will find all of the people that you are looking for. Very little happens here that I’m not at least aware of, even if I don’t… condone it.
ZOLF
Mhm.
ALEX (BARRET)
And, ah…
SASHA
You mean you didn’t, you didn’t take it?
ALEX (BARRET)
Me? No.
ZOLF
You probably just supplied the people that did, though?
ALEX (BARRET)
What would be the benefit to me of a machine that follows orders anyway? There’s no skill involved in that. Besides which, I find them so lacking in – initiative, innovation, improvisation… all the things that you brought, Sasha.
ZOLF
Well, given that you know so much, do you know why they took it?
[BEAT]
ALEX (BARRET)
I might. But that wasn’t the agreement.
ZOLF
I was just trying to appeal to your ego, but.
ALEX (BARRET)
(laughing) Oh, ha. That’s a very excellent, very excellent idea.
ZOLF
Anyway, our business is concluded, yes?
ALEX (BARRET)
Mhm.
ZOLF
Good.
ALEX (BARRET)
I do hope you have a good time. I will make sure that nothing of yours has been tampered with. You may leave with all of your things, of course; I am not a monster.
HAMID
Th-thank you.
ALEX (BARRET)
Oh, you’re very welcome, Hamid.
And I’ll tell you what, a little something for the road… Master MacGuffingham.
ALEX
He gestures to the butler, who comes over with the remainder of a bottle of brandy.
ALEX (BARRET)
I hope that you enjoy.
BERTIE
Oh! Cheers.
JAMES
Am I being handed the whole Tantalus here, or is that…?
ALEX
You’re being handed what’s left of the bottle, yeah, but the whole thing.
JAMES
Oh, lovely, alright.
BERTIE
Thank you! Kind of you, mm.
SASHA
You sent a note, Barret, about, about Brock?
ALEX (BARRET)
Oh, goodness, yes, I almost forgot. I must admit, it was a little sweetener to get you here. However…
ALEX
He leans across to the 7 feet tall person who has just been stood there, cowled. He reaches across, put its hand on your shoulder, and goes…
ALEX (FIGURE)
(whispering) Brock is in Paris. He is happy. In love.
[BEAT]
SASHA
What – what does that mean, though. What does that mean. I mean, someone doesn’t vanish to become happy. What, what does that –
ALEX (BARRET)
I’m sorry, I fear that you may be mistaking me for someone who’d be quite happy to tell you. Frankly, I think you should take what you can get.
[SASHA EXHALES]
If you’d like, you can stay and we can discuss the matter further. You can stay as long as you want, Sasha.
SASHA
I think that I’ll be, I’ll be… heading out with these guys.
ZOLF
Yeah. I think…
SASHA
We’ve got a quest now.
ZOLF
Let’s wrap up and go, shall we?
ALEX (BARRET)
I presumed as much.
ALEX
And he gestures for you to leave the office. The butler opens the door.
JAMES
Can we tell anything about the creepy 7 foot person?
ALEX
You can give me a Perception check.
[DICE ROLLS]
JAMES
7, minus 1 is 6.
LYDIA
I got 16.
ALEX
No. Like, nothing, at all. It’s a tall person presumably covered in a thing.
BEN
It’s a cowled weirdo.
ALEX
Cowled weirdo. That’s an episode title right there!
[LAUGHTER]
So, yeah. You know what, I think it’s worth calling it there.
BEN
I assume we scurry out, grab our things.
LYDIA
I think we stumble.
[SNICKERING]
ALEX
But yeah. So we should wrap up. So that was a good one. Nice bit of intrigue again. So…
LYDIA
A backstory feast.
ALEX
Mmm, yum yum yum.
LYDIA
Nom, nom, nom, terror.
BEN
Delicious!
BRYN
(ominously) I add a magic ring to my inventory.
BEN
A magic ring of unknown purpose.
JAMES
I have some brandy.
ALEX
And while we work out the paperwork, I think we’ll say goodbye. So from everyone here…
ALL
Bye!
[SHOW THEME – OUTRO]
ALEX
Rusty Quill Gaming is a podcast distributed by rustyquill.com and licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution Non-Commercial International License. Today’s episode was recorded and produced by Alexander J Newall. To comment on episodes, make donations, and view links, images, videos and show notes, visit rustyquill.com. Rate and review us on iTunes, visit us on Facebook, tweet us on Twitter @therustyquill, or email us at mail@rustyquill.com. Thanks for listening.