ALEX
Hello again and welcome to episode 10 of the Rusty Quill Gaming podcast! We’re coming to you from London, as always, and with me today, I have:
LYDIA
Lydia Nicholas.
BEN
Ben Meredith.
BRYN
Bryn Monroe.
JAMES
James Ross.
ALEX
And who are you all playing?
LYDIA
Sasha Racket, who likes stabbing things and not making eye contact.
[ALEX SNICKERS]
BEN
Zolf, dwarven cleric of Poseidon, who currently has an eel.
[ALEX SNICKERS SOME MORE]
BRYN
Hamid, the halfling sorcerer. The very sexy halfling sorcerer.
[ALEX CHUCKLES]
JAMES
Sir Bertrand “Bertie” MacGuffingham. Loves money, dislikes timewasters.
ALEX
Mhm.
[GROUP LAUGHTER]
And before we get any further, I actually have a couple of shout-outs!
[EVERYONE CHEERS]
I know. We’re going to be doing some shout-outs for people who’ve been leaving five-star reviews around the place. But before then, people have already gotten back to us.
BEN
(snickers) I’m hoping they’re leaving five-star reviews on our podcast page, not just anywhere.
[LAUGHTER]
ALEX
No, they’ll just write it on the wall!
BEN
On the pavement, write a five-star review!
JAMES
Very strange form of leprosy, they have to leave positive critical judgements. They just flake off you.
[MORE LAUGHTER]
BEN
Great at parties. “Take a positive flake.” “Ooh, thank you!”
BRYN
You see a lot of them in Edinburgh every summer.
JAMES
Yeah…
ALEX
So anyway, my first shout-out has to go to Aaron, an awesome guy who has given us loan of a full set of miniatures!
LYDIA
Yayyyy!
ALEX
All of it, the whole lot!
[DEMONSTRATIVE CLUNKING OF MINIATURES ON TABLE]
So we’ve got, like, dual-wielding rogues and barbarians, and it’s just awesome. So thank you so much for that, Aaron. It’s great.
JAMES
For the benefit of the tape, Aaron, I’ve taken this, erm, very underdressed barbarian character because he’s roughly Bertie’s build? But he does look like he should be on the cover of Men’s Health. Quite disquieting.
[SNICKERS]
ALEX
I also have another shout-out for Withnall, someone who has been getting in touch with us regarding rules. Just pointing out some things we had to skip past and other things like that. It’s been actually genuinely really helpful, so thanks for that, Withnall.
And last but not least, Le Dom, who contacted me to let me know how castles catch fire and burn down!
[GROUP CHEERING]
LYDIA
That’s amazing! How do they catch fire?
BEN
I’m terrified.
ALEX
It’s awesome…
BEN
Never go into a castle, guys.
LYDIA
Le Dom has been experimenting!
ALEX
It’s to do with, like, the timbers that hold up the floors catch fire, which causes the mortar to lose its consistency, so the stones shift, which alters the structural integrity. So actually, that’s… (delighted) I know how castles burn down!
JAMES
Next time I need to burn down a castle, I know who I will call!
ALEX
Yeah! So thank you –
BRYN
I’d like to say, if you’d like to discuss any of these points further, you can come on to our forum!
[MORE GROUP CHEERING]
ALEX
Oh yeah, good point!
BRYN
Which currently is just not very lively, but it’s going to get much more exciting very soon.
ALEX
Yes, that’s…
JAMES
By the time this episode goes out, I imagine I’ll probably be there.
BRYN
Who knows, who knows!
ALEX
And that’s available on…
LYDIA
All the cool kids.
ALEX
…rustyquill.com, and it’s been moderated by our lovely Bryn and our Community Manager, who not people have had a chance to meet, although you’ve been talking to him online. A guy called Steffan. He’s been running all of social media and so on. He helps us out –
BRYN
There’s the Facebook and the Tweetin’!
ALEX
He’s the one that’s sociable so that we, who know not how to be, can be, to people…
[LAUGHTER]
BRYN
Well done for demonstrating the exact problem you were talking about!
BEN
I am talk good. Hello.
JAMES
What is people?
[LAUGHTER]
BRYN
We just don’t know!
[MORE LAUGHTER]
BEN
Science can’t tell us.
ALEX
All the people I talk to have little bases to keep them upright. It’s on my table!
Okay, so, to pick up where we left off last week. Everyone had tracked down, apparently, what has happened to the Simulacrum, which was taken from Lord Edison’s house.
LYDIA
We have bits of it.
ALEX
Well, that’s the problem. Bits of it in a large waste pool and, having reported back, got sent back down by Sergeant Haringay to find the people who had done it and bring them back – pretty much dead or alive – and any traces, plans, anything that you can find…
BRYN
We are trying to trace them, as I remember, through their supply lines.
ALEX
That’s the one.
BRYN
We’re looking for whoever sold them all the grenade-type things.
ALEX
Yeah, all their equipment, because obviously they were well-equipped.
LYDIA
Yep.
ALEX
Having done so, you’ve gone through Other London. Bertie briefly had his pocket picked…
[THE PLAYERS GROAN]
JAMES
(as Bertie) Grrr!
ALEX
And then before you could get hold of the guy, he ended up passing on some information to an old face that Sasha seemed to recognise…
LYDIA
(cryptic) Mmmmm.
BRYN
But hasn’t said anything to the rest of us yet!
LYDIA
I don’t say much, to be fair.
[A FEW SNICKERS]
ALEX
And so the last thing that happened is she spotted trouble coming a mile away and took a little bit of sneaky stab in the back…
LYDIA
STABBING! Yaaaay!
[LAUGHTER]
ALEX
However, now that person…
LYDIA
The back is the best place to stab!
ALEX
Now that person is aware of you guys, and there are apparently a few other people in this marketplace homing in.
BRYN
As I recall, and correct me if I’m wrong, I made a fantastically good Perception roll and had seen all this developing as well, and I even cast… Message.
ALEX
(overlapping) Also, she was reporting it via your walkie-talkie, because you had Message set up on every party member, I think.
LYDIA
No, I think –
BRYN
I don’t – I still haven’t found the rule that tells me whether I can have two running simultaneously or not.
ALEX
At the very least, I think you have one set up with Sasha.
LYDIA
Maybe someone…
BRYN
Yes.
ALEX
I think the old ones will have expired by now.
BRYN
Okay.
LYDIA
(trying to advertise in a natural way; very woodenly) Someone could tell us on the forums.
[ALEX LAUGHS]
BRYN
Yes, they could.
LYDIA
Somebody with skills!
BRYN(?)
Help me with some rules.
JAMES(?)
What we really need is a spell that allows us to set up a small WhatsApp group for the whole party.
[LAUGHTER]
JAMES
So, very brief question. I remember something about eels. But that’s the only impression I have.
BEN
We were having eels…
LYDIA
I told you guys that when you come down to my district in Other London, you need to try the salted eels.
ALEX
Oh, and Zolf had managed to buy you and him, I don’t know whether Hamid, I don’t think Hamid…
BRYN
I chose not to participate.
JAMES
Do I have eels in my possession?
[CROSSTALK]
ALEX
Just the one.
BEN
You have one eel in a bun.
ALEX
You are holding one eel in your inventory.
BEN
(laughing) I don’t know if it’s in a bun!
ALEX
No, they’re eel in bun, I’ve decided.
JAMES
Eel in bun. Eel in bun.
BEN
Eel dogs.
JAMES
Now can I… this may or may not become…
LYDIA
Still wiggling!
JAMES
Is it an alive eel?
ALEX
It is not a live eel.
LYDIA
Awww.
JAMES
It’s a dead eel.
ALEX
I’m afraid this is a dead eel.
[LYDIA LAUGHS]
JAMES
Alright, okay. So I can’t command the loyalty of my eel dog…
ALEX
You cannot command the eel, but…
BEN
I mean, you can, it’s very easy –
JAMES
(laughing) Yeah!
BEN
“Lie still. Thank you very much for that.”
BRYN
I think you’re forgetting the crucial point, that I had warned you we were about to be attacked, and so actually we had begun preparing to be attacked and had drawn weapons –
LYDIA
Oh, yes.
BEN
I have got a – I’ve readied in my combat eel…
LYDIA
Trident, we call it.
BEN
No, I’ve drawn my trident as well!
BRYN
And I’ve drawn my crossbow.
JAMES
And I’ve drawn my sword.
LYDIA
I’ve stabbed someone.
ALEX
Okay, so we are jumping into combat. So first thing that I’m going to need from everyone is an initiative roll. So if everyone can do me a favour and roll their respective D20s.
[DICE ROLLS]
BEN
I actually… yes! It’s not, like, a 2!
ALEX
So what have we got? Zolf?
BEN
18!
ALEX
18. Hamid?
BRYN
21. “Sorry to steal your thunder –”
BEN
Aww!
BRYN
– he lied!
[BEN CACKLES]
ALEX
James?
JAMES
Oh, sorry. Modifiers?
ALEX
Your initiative is up top.
JAMES
Yep. Oh, so I have a total of 10.
ALEX
A formidable 10, there, from Bertie.
LYDIA
I mean, I did already stab someone… do I…?
BRYN
That was your surprise round.
ALEX
Yeah, that doesn’t factor in.
[DICE ROLLS]
LYDIA
Oh God!
ALL
Eyyyy!
LYDIA
One!
ALEX
Okay, so, with all of the initiative rolls for all of the NPCs, let’s just describe the set-up for listeners.
[NOISES OF A BUSTLING MARKETPLACE FADE IN]
We are in Other London, so obviously we’re sort of underground with constructed stuff above us, and we’re in what looks to have once been a town square. There are columns all around the outside, sort of a colonnade, with some remainders of what used to be shops lining all of the walls, and these are still active but they’re obviously crumbling and people have taken up residence in what once were shops.
Also, set up in the middle of the square are a bunch of market stalls. I count eight, plus there’s two in the middle that are selling food, an eel stall, and what looks to be some kinds of pie – probably rat. But they’re… they’re just little cloth, temporary things.
The party are stood in the middle of this square, apart from Sasha, who’s up by the edge of the colonnade, having just snuck in, seen that person that she knows, and then stab them in the back. Just a friendly Other London hello, really. There are…
LYDIA
I mean, I did find him by following the guy that picked Bertie’s pocket, sneaking up behind him and then hearing him threatening that he would try and get us –
ALEX
So he gave you a friendly Other London hello –
LYDIA
He gave a –
ALEX
– and you gave him a friendly Other London hello back.
LYDIA
Yeah! That’s how we bond.
ALEX
And there are three major street entrances into this square, and one side which just opens onto what look like houses or something, not shops necessarily.
So, getting this going straight away, we are going to start with – after the initiative rolls – Hamid.
BRYN
So I’ve been trying to keep myself in space and kind of keep track of everything that’s going on. I can see Sasha stabbing some dude in front of me, but I’m more worried about the dogs that are about to charge to us. So I’m going to fire my crossbow, which I’ve already loaded, at that dog to my left.
ALEX
That should be fine, but you will be firing over the top of a counter of one of the stalls. Which is fine, but it will be giving the dog some cover.
BRYN
Ah.
ALEX
However, the dog at the other end is without cover, but…
BRYN
That one’s much less likely to attack me…?
[LAUGHTER]
LYDIA
Yep.
ALEX
So presumably you are attacking that nearest dog, even with the cover.
BRYN
Yeah, I will.
ALEX
Sure, give me the roll.
[DICE ROLLS]
BRYN
I hit a 8.
ALEX
An 8, that’s…
BRYN
Oh no, a 9 – that’s still not enough.
ALEX
A 9, no, that’s not going to hit. Especially not with cover.
BRYN
I’m now going to take my move action and I’m going to use it to back off slightly –
[SNICKERS]
And place myself between the two people wearing armour. 1, 2, 3, 4.
ALEX
Uh-huh. And just a reminder for everyone, because it’s been a bit of a while since combat. Whenever we’re counting like that we’re counting squares on the table. Each square is five foot and as a small character, Hamid’s move speed is just the 20 feet, so that’s the four squares.
Okay. So next on the list is one of the dogs!
LYDIA
Ooh!
BEN
Damn dog is having higher initiative modifier than me.
[LYDIA LAUGHS]
ALEX
It holds its action. Zolf, you’re up.
BEN
Hello. Okay, so how large is this eel in a bun?
ALEX
This eel in a bun is roughly the size of your forearm. It’s sort of like a foot-long hotdog.
JAMES(?)
Big eel! Big eel.
BEN
I was wondering if I could stuff it into my face before combat?
ALEX
There is mustard. I – I feel necessary to point out, there is mustard.
BEN
Oh, I do like mustard.
LYDIA
I could peer over the person that I’ve just stabbed… (as Sasha) “ooh, eels!”
BEN
I will throw the hotdog at the dog that Hamid shot the crossbow at, which is the one to my left.
ALEX
Mhm.
BEN
Yes, my left. I will attempt to get it as far as possible. Basically hoping to buy a tasty treat that isn’t my face!
BRYN
To distract the dog.
ALEX
So you’re not hitting it with anything. That’s fine. Just give me an attack roll and then I’ll see how far it goes from there.
[DICE ROLLS]
BEN
Ha, ha, not very much! That was a 3 I rolled, and plus my Dex bonus, that’s a 3.
[SNICKERS]
ALEX
Okay, okay. If someone can just place on that table a bit of a… a bit of eel that’s landed on the floor.
BEN
The eel is now a D4. A nice… pyramid eel.
ALEX
It’s also almost the size of Zolf, so…
BEN
You said it was a big eel!
[MORE SNICKERS]
ALEX
Okay. After that…
BEN
Oh, sorry, actually… and the second thing I’m going to do, I’m going to get my shield out. So I have my trident and my shield ready.
ALEX
Sure.
BEN
And I know we look all directions at once…
ALEX
Thousands of eyessss.
BEN
Yeah. But I’m going to turn to face the guys on the left.
LYDIA
Just something that in the Pathfinder universe no one mentions the fact that we have stalks. Extra eye stalks…
BEN
Everyone’s a beholder.
ALEX
Mm. Apart from beholders, which are people. It just went all weird.
BEN
They’re fractal beholders!
LYDIA
Ahhh!
ALEX
Okay, so the first of the enemies actually moves. He takes a… (slowly) 5, 10, 15, 20, 25, 30…
BRYN
Right into smacking range!
ALEX
Takes a big ol’ smack straight at Bertie.
BEN
A thirty-to-Bertie!
ALEX
Okay, so…
BRYN
I don’t think he’s going to come off well in this exchange.
[AGREEING MMS]
ALEX
This guy seems to be wielding a shortsword, rather than a knife or anything like that. So it’s a bit heavier.
[DICE ROLLS]
And misses. Just.
[PLAYERS SNORT]
That was a 2, I’m not even going to bother playing the mass. It was a terrible, terrible 2.
He runs up and we’re forgetting that, of course, Bertie has had himself kind of stuffed up and he’s wearing his cloak. So this guy has come up behind Bertie, ready to shank him and gone – “dink.” And just found out that he’s not quite so squishy as he’d have hoped underneath that cloak. After that, it’s immediately Bertie’s turn.
BERTIE
(annoyed) Hullo!
[LAUGHTER]
JAMES
Right, okay. So I’m going to attack that chap, obviously. I don’t think there is anything else that I’d particularly want to do, apart from try and cut him in half. Bisect him from…
BRYN
When you’re higher level, that kind of move would be ideal for you, because someone puts themselves next to you –
JAMES
Yep.
BRYN
– you get to full attack and mince them into little bits. But currently we’re level one –
ALEX
Yeah, you don’t have many…
BRYN
– and it’s the same…
JAMES
Cool, yeah. I swing my mighty sword.
ALEX
(snickers) Roll the attack.
[DICE ROLLS]
JAMES
12.
ALEX
A 12. Plus your modifier…
JAMES
Which is… 3, I think, for Strength. Oh no, hang on, attack bonus is 4.
ALEX
So…
JAMES
16 in total.
ALEX
That is a hit!
ALL
Ey!
BEN
(French accent?) Roll your damage.
JAMES
Okay, what am I rolling here… D10 plus 3.
ALEX
That’s the one.
[DICE ROLLS]
JAMES
Ooh, 9, 12.
ALEX
(delighted) Ooh!
BRYN
That is squish.
BEN
That’s a lot for a level 1.
JAMES
Yes.
ALEX
Yeah. The guy is…
BEN
That would just down me. I would just be down!
BRYN
I would be halfway to dead!
BEN
Yes!
ALEX
So yeah, the… it’s an absolutely solid hit. Again these guys also seem to be wearing cuirasses, but you bodily lift him off the ground with a blow to the torso, throw him backwards. He lands on his feet, but it’s literally torn right through the cuirass and got him underneath.
[LYDIA MAKES AN AMUSEDLY HORRIFIED NOISE]
He looks terrible. He’s not down. He is not down, but he’s having the worst day.
[LAUGHTER]
Just the worst day!
BERTIE
Terribly “sorry”! Sorry is in inverted commas there. I don’t know if you can tell.
ALEX
Okay.
ZOLF
Witty as always, Bertie.
ALEX
At which point things are… I feel like Sasha is about to have a bad day.
LYDIA
(wincing) Oh.
ALEX
Because the guy that she just shanked…
LYDIA
Yep.
ALEX
Yeah, he knows that you’re there.
LYDIA
Mhm.
ALEX
Turns around.
LYDIA
Ough.
ALEX
Manages to get out one word which is just –
ALEX (ASHEN)
(hissing) Sasha.
ALEX
And then proceeds to also…
BEN
He sounds like a lovely chap! It’s the voice of a nice man!
ALEX
He… with that dagger that he was already holding, immediately takes an attack at Sasha.
[LYDIA GROANS]
[DICE ROLLS]
ALEX
And also misses. As I roll a 3!
BEN
Eyyyy!
LYDIA
(relieved) Oh my gosh!
ALEX
Okay, so this D20 is going in Bryn’s naughty pile for a little while.
[DICE IS TOSSED ASIDE]
So yeah…
LYDIA
He could have cut me in half, so that is a lucky…
ALEX
He’s caught unaware. He just on instinct, just slashes randomly, whizzes straight over Sasha’s head. She’s way too fast for it.
[LYDIA CHEERS QUIETLY]
At which point, another one of the men is… here. He is going to be a bit sneakier than the first guy. He’s moving up. His dog then inserts its action – so his dog is still with him.
BEN
So they’ve moved up to face Bertie.
ALEX
Correct. However, I’ve just realised the dog has even more movement!
BRYN
Dogs are pretty fast.
ALEX
So what’s happened is the guy has run up and gestured through his dog and it seems to be obeying some sort of, some sort of tactical plan that, you know, he’s taught the dog over… probably a period before now.
LYDIA
(snorts) As opposed to in the future!
[LAUGHTER]
ALEX
Okay, so. Just let me re-arrange this initially more now that someone has inserted their action. To spell it out, I can’t remember if I have for listeners, you can sometimes hold your action, which is where you don’t feel like it’s sort of a good idea for you to move right now, so what you do is you hold your action and then insert it in the order, later, sort of further down the line, which is what’s happened there with the dog. There’s also something called a readied action which Zolf has already done, because he used it to catch a diplomat once upon a time.
BEN
I did.
ALEX
But this isn’t one of those. This is just… it’s just re-ordering the initiative and taking a hit to order so that you can coordinate with people.
Then, a third person does a similar action to the first one. So he’ll move 5, 10, 15, 20, 25, 30. And his dog will similarly accompany him and end up 10 foot closer, again sort of around the side. Then it is Sasha.
LYDIA
Okay. So I can see that three different guys have run up to my mates in the centre of the town square, two of whom have dogs, one of whom has been bashed thoroughly by Bertie, but the other ones are looking quite threatening. And in front of me stands a… nasty man.
Er, and I think at this point – I mean, the instinct would be to (high-pitched) “run away!” There just isn’t really anywhere for me to flee, is there. I should just stab this dude. I should just stab him lots.
BEN
Have yourself an epic duel.
LYDIA
It will have to be… it won’t be very… I’m very small and quite frail but I can, I can, I’m fast. I can try stabbing the dude.
ALEX
Mhm! Of course if you were to attack right away you’d get your…
LYDIA
I’d get my two…
ALEX
…you’d get your two attacks straight off the bat which is… for a double hit.
LYDIA
Yeah, how much damage did I do the first stab?
ALEX
Off the top of my head, it was about five. And that’s already sort of factored in, so yeah –
LYDIA
Ah, okay.
ALEX
– he’s already taken a decent hit.
LYDIA
Okay, cool.
ALEX
And you’re taking double the number of attacks at him.
LYDIA
Right. I’m going to stabby him twice.
ALEX
So yeah, just to point it again, because that minus one on the Strength…
LYDIA
Uh-huh.
ALEX
You will be taking the minus one to the damage because you’re not flanking him, so that Dirty Fighter that we gave you doesn’t sort of bump that back up yet.
LYDIA
Yeah, this is the problem with rogues, is keeping them flanking. But at level one I don’t really see what else I can do.
BEN
You get more utility. A lot of early classes are, “I hit the thing and I maybe do a class ability sometime.”
ALEX
It’s level 1 and you’re alive. You’re doing well.
[AGREEING NOISES]
Very well.
BEN
You haven’t been killed by goblins or rats!
LYDIA
Yeah.
BEN
Which is great.
LYDIA
I’m going to try stabbing this guy and…
ALEX
Go for it!
LYDIA
…and if it barely touches him, it barely touches him.
[DICE ROLLS]
Ooh, a 16 and a 10.
ALEX
A 16 and 10 plus your modif… yep. So in total, so it’s 11…
LYDIA
Yep, 11 and 17.
ALEX
11 and 17. One of them hits.
LYDIA
Aw!
ALEX
Sorry. And I’m afraid that you won’t be getting a sneak attack because he’s not flanking him.
LYDIA
Noooo.
ALEX
But if nothing else, you’re keeping him away from engaging the others.
LYDIA
(laughing) Keeping him away from engaging stronger people!
ALEX
So, if you can roll yourself a D4 for the damage for the dagger.
[DICE ROLLS]
LYDIA
2.
ALEX
So it’s just the one damage.
LYDIA
Aww.
ALEX
But, again, you did get the 5 in at the start.
LYDIA
(darkly) Rubbish.
ALEX
So compared to everyone else, you’ve actually done – with the exception of Bertie, you’ve done really well.
BRYN
It’s true!
BEN
Hey, I threw a hot dog.
ALEX
Okay, so now, back round to Hamid.
BRYN
Right, so I can see the… one man and a dog. One man and his dog approaching Zolf from one direction. I can see one man and his dog approaching Bertie from the other direction…
BEN
Who’s already fighting another man.
BRYN
Who’s already fighting another man…
BEN
With no dog.
BRYN
And to be honest, they’re both wearing lots of armour and so I’m less worried about them.
ALEX
Mhm.
BRYN
But looking over in front of me, I can see that Sasha is engaged in combat and I know that she is perhaps less, er…
ALEX
You’re squishy, sort of, together!
BRYN
…armoured. Yeah.
LYDIA
Great. I mean, can you remind me what he looks like?
ALEX
Sure, so obviously from backstory, we’ve gone over that Sasha already knows him. He’s quite tall.
LYDIA
Yep.
ALEX
Lanky, very wiry. Looks like he’s got a lot of strength to him. Even if he’s not very broad-shouldered, but it’s Other London. I mean, the number of broad-shouldered people there are… I mean, it’s kind of hard to, on a diet consisting entirely of eels and sort of pale cabbage.
LYDIA
Hey, eels are delicious!
BRYN
Mm. Pale cabbage!
[LAUGHTER]
My favourite of the cabbages!
ALEX
So yeah, he…
LYDIA
Wrapped in rats.
ALEX
He doesn’t seem to be a sort of hulking brute, but he certainly seems physically a match for Sasha.
LYDIA
He’s a large guy.
ALEX
Mhm.
BRYN
Right, so I’m going to take a five-foot-step…
ALEX
Yep.
BRYN
To place myself directly between my two well-armoured friends…
ALEX
(drawling) Classic sorcerer.
BRYN
And I’m going to cast Magic Missile at the guy who Sasha is fighting.
LYDIA
Yay! Thank you.
[DICE ROLLS]
BRYN
And I will do three damage!
ALEX
Three damage, okay.
BRYN
And of course Magic Missile doesn’t…
LYDIA
And suddenly he turns around to look at the person that threw the… because then I would be behind him…
BRYN
I’m not threatening. There is a technical term called “threatening”…
LYDIA
Right.
BRYN
Which interacts with all the other rules. I’m not – because I’m too far away, I’m not threatening him.
LYDIA
So he just gets “ow!” in the back of his head but doesn’t turn around.
BRYN
Yes.
ALEX
We’ll just say that his natural hatred for Sasha overwhelms any sense of self-preservation.
LYDIA
That sounds plausible.
[LAUGHTER]
BRYN
The lovely thing about Magic Missile, of course, is if I tried to do that with a crossbow, I’d take a massive penalty for firing into melee combat.
ALEX
And would almost certainly hit you because that’s the way that rolls.
BRYN
But…
LYDIA
Although the guy is between me and…
ALEX
Oh, but I’m an incredibly cruel and unfair GM.
LYDIA
Fair enough.
BRYN
But the rules, as well, say that you’ve basically got a chance of hitting both people.
LYDIA
To be fair, he just stabbed over my head and I ducked down in front of him…
BRYN
Yeah.
LYDIA
Well, we were in melee.
BRYN
It’s because you’re both moving so much, exactly. But Magic Missile is unerring!
LYDIA
Yay!
BRYN
And smacks him in the face, even though he’s facing away from me.
BEN
It does it because it’s literally magic!
BRYN
Literally magic.
ALEX
Zolf, you’re up.
BEN
Okay. I –
BRYN
Oh, sorry, I still have a move, actually.
ALEX
Oh, of course you do.
BRYN
I’m using my move action to reload my crossbow.
ALEX
Aha, clever. Zolf, you’re up.
BEN
Right, I will ready an action.
ALEX
Mhm.
BEN
And my action is, stab the first enemy that enters my threat range. Which, because I have a trident, is 10 foot around me.
ALEX
Because your trident’s bigger than you are!
BEN
Because my trident is bigger than I am.
ALEX
Yep.
BEN
And then I will just shout out –
ZOLF
You don’t need to do this, guys! We can work it out!
ALEX
Okay.
JAMES
Alright.
LYDIA
(laughs) The dude without a stomach…
BEN
Well, y’know…
BRYN
Technically, technically, we stabbed them first.
BEN
Actually, we, us three, did nothing!
[BRYN LAUGHS]
And maybe I’m not even aware – I am but I’m lying – that Sasha started it.
ALEX
The person who’s facing Sasha hears this and goes,
ALEX (ASHEN)
(drawling) Oh no we can’t.
ZOLF
Suit yourself!
ALEX
So, your action is now readied. The person that you are facing off against now moves closer and…
BEN
Just a beeline.
ALEX
Pretty much beelines. Hang on.
BEN
There’s an eel there.
JAMES
Is he going to slip on the eel? Is there a mechanic for that?
[LAUGHTER]
ALEX
He moves…
BEN
“Eel Slippage.”
ALEX
The one who you’re facing off against moves to just outside your threat range, whilst pulling something out from under his cloak.
[LYDIA INHALES]
BEN
Okay.
ALEX
He then throws it right into the middle of all three of you.
BRYN
(gasps) God, he’s got an area effect weapon. Why did I hide behind you?!
[DICE ROLLS]
ALEX
Ooh! And it’s a good hit. Let’s say he’s aiming at Hamid. That is a… let me do the maths… er, 18 to hit, although Hamid does have cover behind Zolf. Of course, meaning that if he were to miss with a roll that high, it’s just going to hit Zolf in the face.
BEN
Yaaaay!
ALEX
So what’s your AC, Hamid?
BRYN
My AC is 13.
ALEX
13. So we’ll give you full cover plus the four takes it to…
BRYN
(groaning) 17.
ALEX
Meaning that…
BRYN
It still hits!
ALEX
Yeah. So, this is the first of our splash weapons! Okay? So that means it affects everything within an area…
BEN
I do hope it’s a water balloon.
[LAUGHTER]
ALEX
Rather than the oil flasks which were being thrown, which were actually a direct hit. So this, he pulls out from under him, it’s green, it has some sort of a conical glass flask. He hurls it overhand, straight at Hamid, and it smashes into Hamid’s shoulder and splashes…
BEN
I know this might be a little retroactive…
ALEX
Mhm.
BEN
But when pulls and throws it straight at my… throw over my head, can I attempt to bat it with my shield?
ALEX
No, because you have a readied action…
BEN
Ahhhh. It’s preventing me from doing stuff.
ALEX
So you are so prepared to do that…
BEN
Yep.
ALEX
…that you can’t take any other action.
BEN
That’s his problem…
ALEX
So, he hurls it overhead. It slams into Hamid and splashes onto both Bertie and Zolf –
LYDIA
Oh no!
ALEX
– dealing one D6 acid damage.
LYDIA
(wincing) Ooh.
BEN
That is rude.
BRYN
When I’m a dragon, I’m going to come back and burn this whole place to the ground.
LYDIA
Hey, it’s my home!
ALEX
Now, I’m going to be setting a precedent here for splash damage which applies to all of you. A lot of people aren’t going to like it, but it speeds combat up immensely. I am going to roll a single dice to determine the damage it does for all of you. It tends to make combat a bit more… “either everyone’s annihilated or everyone’s fine,” but it will speed things up.
ALL
Okay.
ALEX
So, you all take –
[DICE ROLLS]
LYDIA
Ooh.
ALEX
6 acid damage.
BEN
I… hate you, Alex.
LYDIA
Oh, brutal!
ALEX
However, that works both ways. So that when Bryn’s doing things like Fireballs and things like that, and at 30 people and he rolls high, all of them will get annihilated.
BEN
Okay, so yeah.
ALEX
But that was an acid flask.
BRYN
It’s not going to help, because I’m not going to survive that.
[LAUGHTER]
ALEX
Okay, and now that he’s moved, his dog will be following suit, but there’s an eel in the way.
[DICE ROLLS]
And it fails a Will save –
[LAUGHTER]
LYDIA
Eyyyyy!
ALEX
Distracted by the eel.
BEN
Yes.
LYDIA
Nom nom nom nom.
JAMES
Nom nom nom nom.
BRYN
So place the eel with the dog…
ALEX
Within the dog’s stomach and it will be… that’s its move, I’m afraid. I’ll have it. Failing its Will save against delicious, delicious eels.
[BEN LAUGHS VILLAINOUSLY]
BRYN
Yeah.
LYDIA
Mustardy, salty goodness.
ALEX
Okay. So, Bertie, you’re up. You’ve just got a splash of acid that’s working its way through your armour and onto your skin, and it hurts.
BERTIE
Ah! My armour, my lovely armour. Oh, ah, ah, (inhales) I smell barbecue!
[SNICKERS]
JAMES
Right, so at this point, Bertie can see the heavily-wounded chap that he’s just given this, you know, delightful new slashed-torso look to, in front of him.
ALEX
Mmhmm.
JAMES
Plus the lovely doggy.
ALEX
And a third person who’s rapidly on the approach.
JAMES
Okay. Cool. So I think… I mean, I’d quite like to finish off the chap that I started. I’d also maybe like to try and win a new animal friend, using my eel and my charm. There’s no way that I can do both of those things in one turn, is there?
ALEX
Not really. Also, when it comes to Handle Animal, this is a skill that’s more geared towards taming wild animals.
JAMES
Right.
ALEX
And sort of, if you were to encounter a hostile wild animal…
BRYN
It’s a slow, considered process.
ALEX
Yeah.
BRYN
It’s not really appropriate for combat.
LYDIA
Come on to my side! Come on, come on, doggy, my side, my side, yes!
ALEX
This isn’t the dog whisperer, basically.
JAMES
Okay, fair enough.
BEN
Also, I’m the cleric, I’m the one who should go “wirr-oo” and then turn the dog blue.
JAMES
Right, okay.
ALEX
So honestly, I think your best bet would be to just remove the guy from combat who you already can.
JAMES
Right.
HAMID
Kill him! Kill him dead!
ALEX
(laughing) Was that in character there?
BRYN
Probably. I’m really badly hurt.
ALEX
I was going to say, yeah, you’re worse for wear. So I’d recommend eliminating people when you can because it just removes the number of people who can hurt you.
JAMES
Cool. I’ll do that then. Alright. So I’m going to have… yeah, I’m going to attack that chap.
ALEX
Uh-huh.
[DICE ROLLS]
JAMES
8.
ALEX
Plus your modifier.
JAMES
Plus 4 is 12.
ALEX
12. It does not hit.
[PLAYERS GROAN]
Yeah. You do still have a move action, should you wish. But honestly, I mean, you’re in a pretty optimal position, really.
JAMES
Yeah. I mean, I could do something like take a five-foot-step forward so that I could be engaged in the…
ALEX
You could. You could. That’s not a bad idea.
BRYN
They, they would then be flanking you…
JAMES
Okay.
ALEX
And they’ll be getting huuuuge bonuses.
JAMES
Right, I won’t do that. Right, I’m fine, I’m done then.
ALEX
Okay. The one is facing off against Sasha takes more swing at Sasha…
LYDIA
Please miss.
[DICE ROLLS]
ALEX
Ooh. What’s your AC?
LYDIA
13.
ALEX
13. It is a hit.
LYDIA
(quietly) Oh no!
ALEX
He rolled higher than your AC anyway.
LYDIA
Yep.
ALEX
So, he will be dealing… let me double check. A decent amount of damage because he’s the boss.
[DICE ROLLS]
Three damage.
LYDIA
Ooh. Is there a pencil?
BEN
There is a pencil.
LYDIA
Hooray for the pencil.
ALEX
And the one who was approaching Bertie from the side, what does he… he attempts to sort of sidestep, 5, 10, 15…
BEN
And he’s entered into my range!
ALEX
…and has entered into… yes he has! Entered into your range.
BEN
Ha-ha!
ALEX
Thus your readied action goes off.
BEN
Take trident, nasty man!
ALEX
That’s what you get for trying to be too sneaky and flanking.
BEN
Well, he wasn’t paying attention to me being like, “hah hah!”
[SNICKERS]
LYDIA
An acid-covered dwarf that has a spite…
JAMES
Yes, there is a burnt halfling.
BEN
Well, you know, it’s, er, I rolled a 2.
[LAUGHTER]
Let’s quickly gloss over that failure!
ALEX
So it’s a huge swing and miss. He then proceeds to try an attack on Bertie. Just the one.
[DICE ROLLS]
What’s Bertie’s AC?
JAMES
20.
ALEX
Ooh, no. No. No. No. It’s a decent attempt but no. Noooo.
BEN
This man has a lot of armour. And to be awful to players, but he is being flanked right now.
ALEX
It’s still not enough.
BEN
Fine, yep.
ALEX
At which point, Sasha, you are up.
LYDIA
Okay. I have this fire vial… in fact, I have quite a few of them. How much damage do they do?
ALEX
Those did one D6 damage. You couldn’t hit him in melee, but you could just take a five-foot-step and just hoof it straight at his face.
LYDIA
I think that that is a thing that I’m… cause otherwise I just do ones and twos. And also that takes me a step away from him, right?
ALEX
Mhm.
LYDIA
Which means he then…
ALEX
Has to take a step to get towards you.
BRYN
It would open up a charge action for him.
LYDIA
Right.
BRYN
Which means he can get a bonus.
LYDIA
Even if I step behind the pillar?
ALEX
No. If you were behind the pillar, then…
LYDIA
But then I can’t –
BRYN
As long as he can travel in a straight line…
ALEX
But he wouldn’t be able to. But you wouldn’t be able to throw, similarly. There’s another option available to you, which is: you do have a thunderstone as well, don’t you.
LYDIA
But that would mess up us – mess us up as much as the others.
ALEX
You’d have to be careful where you used it, yeah.
LYDIA
Right.
ALEX
So…
LYDIA
So that… because it was a massive range and it blinds and deafens people, right? If I were to whisper, “Everyone, shut your eyes,” like through our Messaging…
ALEX
Oh, you can totally do things like prep everyone to just, you know, duck, or you just yell something so that they, you know, get massive bonuses. Because they’re aware that the thing is about to happen. You could do that.
LYDIA
Mm. You guys are not looking well.
BEN
We are covered in acid.
LYDIA
Yes.
[SOMEONE MAKES A HISSING NOISE]
ALEX
I’m not sure what burnt halfling foot sounds like.
BEN
Apparently, snakes!
JAMES
Screaming. Screaming is what it sounds like.
LYDIA
Yeah, I think that that might be… maybe we can manage another round. Maybe… I’m going to step… I’m going to take a step back and throw the vial thing at him.
ALEX
Mhm! Mhm.
LYDIA
Yeah.
ALEX
So that would be rolling a D20. And it’s Dex-based, so that’s playing into your hands.
LYDIA
Hooray! Come on.
[DICE ROLLS]
Oh, gosh! 2 plus 3.
BEN
We’re not having good rolls here.
LYDIA
Aw, this is – I’m going to die so hard.
ALEX
So Sasha wildly overestimates how hard she has to throw it. And launches the vial of oil right into the eel stand.
LYDIA
Oh no!
[LAUGHTER]
ALEX
She flubs it and it just slams into the eel stand. You don’t know if it’s going to catch fire yet, but it is certainly…
BRYN
But it fills the entire battle area with a delicious aroma of frying eels.
ALEX
Ooh, yeah. Ooh.
BEN
Tasty. Maybe it’s attracting the dogs. Maybe the thug’s main weakness is cooked eel…
[LAUGHTER]
ALEX
Ooh, that’s a big, desperate grab there…
LYDIA
Down here that’s pretty true.
ALEX
Well, at the end of that round, we’re going to take a short break and then we’ll get back to the action in a couple of minutes with the smell of roast eel.
BEN
Yeah, to reflect on how…
LYDIA
Burnt flesh!
BEN
…awfully screwed we are!
LYDIA
Yep.
ALEX
Okay, so we’ll see you in a couple of minutes.
[AD BREAK]
ALEX
And welcome back. Okay, so into a new round, keeping it moving. Hamid, you’re up. You’ve just been splashed by acid. It hurts. Lots.
BRYN
Hamid is literally about to fall over.
ALEX
Yeah.
BRYN
I think I only have one option here. I mean, I’ve got… I’ve still got my big dudes either side of me, but I’m currently being threatened by one of the muggers. I’m going to take a five-foot-step backwards. I’m going to draw a potion, and drink a potion… of Cure Light Wounds.
ALEX
Yes, that’s fine.
BEN
Ohhhhh, I actually forgot we had those. Remember, guys, we have potions which are useful for not dying.
ALEX
Shopping…
LYDIA
Ya big softie.
ALEX
…the saviour of all your problems.
[DICE ROLLS]
BRYN
Is the potion for Cure Light Wounds D8 plus one or D8 plus three?
ALEX
Yeah, it will be one D8 plus one.
BRYN
Okay, I regain three hit points.
LYDIA
Hooray!
BRYN
Which is almost half my hit points!
[LAUGHTER]
ALEX
Yeah, but you know, eventually you’re going to have wings. So, swings and roundabouts. We’re playing a long game.
JAMES
Does HP in your case stand for “Help, Please”?
BRYN
Yes. Yes it does.
[LAUGHTER]
ALEX
Is there anything else you want to do with your turn?
BRYN
That is, I took a five-foot-step. A move action and a standard action.
JAMES
I think he might have a little cry.
ALEX
Yeah, you can cry! Zolf, then, you are up.
BEN
Okay. I am going to take a five-foot-step. Oh, do I need to take five steps to move it into his…
ALEX
No.
BEN
Oh, actually, he’s not threatening me, I’ve got a weapon, ha ha!
ALEX
No one’s threatening you, you’re just threatening everyone else. Like a bully.
BEN
Yeah, and I will take… I’m kind of keeping myself, to describe, like, protecting with my shield. Now I’m ready for another acid flask and, like, jabbing like a spear with my trident.
ALEX
Give me the attack.
[DICE ROLLS]
BEN
That’s better. That is a 13.
ALEX
13 all in?
BEN
Er, yes.
ALEX
13 all in. Let’s have a look.
BEN
Come on!
LYDIA
(faintly) Come on!
ALEX
It is not a hit.
BEN & LYDIA
Noooo!
ALEX
Okay.
JAMES
What are you even for?
[LAUGHTER]
BEN
Aawww!
LYDIA
What are any one of us, apart from Bertie, for?
ALEX
Harsh! Is there anything else?
BEN
Er, no, no, that’s it.
BRYN
Luckily, at least if he tries to throw another vial you’re now threatening him and will get an attack of opportunity as well.
BEN
Yes.
ALEX
Okay, so one of the men attacking Bertie, who is now flanking him…
JAMES
The injured one or the non-injured one?
ALEX
The non-injured one.
JAMES
Yep.
ALEX
Takes an attack at Bertie with the flanking bonus.
[DICE ROLLS]
Doesn’t hit.
LYDIA
Hooray.
BRYN
(starts chanting) Bertie, Bertie –
LYDIA
(joining in) Bertie! Bertie! Bertie!
BRYN
The rest of us will be…
JAMES
(as Bertie) Stop, chaps! Stop! Really, stop! Keep going. Stop! Stop!
[LAUGHTER]
BRYN
The rest of us will be lying unconscious whilst Bertie wades through the bodies of our enemies.
BEN
And then goes, (as Bertie) “How do I do this healing thing…?”
ALEX
Bertie, you are up.
JAMES
Hullo. Right. So, Bertie has… yeah, chap to his left, chap to his right and a dog straight ahead, so…
ALEX
You’ve got fools to the left of you, jokers to the right…
JAMES
Yeah.
ALEX
…and here you are, facing down a dog.
JAMES
Stuck in the middle with…
BRYN
A dog!
JAMES
And what is by now a heavily eroded quarterling.
[UPROAR OF LAUGHTER]
I’m going to try and finish neatly bisecting that chap.
ALEX
I think you’ve just been unlucky so far.
[DICE ROLLS]
BEN
Oh, that’s a good ‘un!
JAMES
14. Plus 4, 18.
ALEX
Oh, yeah. Yep, that’s a hit.
JAMES
Cool. So that’s 1D10 plus 3 –
ALEX
D10! That bastard longsword. Oof.
[DICE ROLLS]
JAMES
4 plus 3 is 7.
ALEX
7, oh yes –
BRYN
Keep the ones you’re likely to need separate.
ALEX
He’s very down.
JAMES
Okay.
ALEX
He’s very down. He… you take another swinging attack, this time just an overhead slash, and it bites into his torso. You’ve probably broken a collarbone at the very least. But he’s very, very unconscious. (laughing) Very, very unconscious. And would you like to move at all?
JAMES
Erm, is it helpful? I mean, I think I’m… I suppose I’m no longer being flanked by this chap. Because he’s the only one who’s attacking me.
ALEX
Correct. You’re now no longer being flanked.
JAMES
So I don’t think I need to move? It’s still a good idea for me to stay blocking what’s left of Hamid. So…
BRYN
I drank a potion. I’m… not fine!
[LAUGHTER]
JAMES
That’s fine. I don’t think there’s anything else that I can or want to do here.
ALEX
Sure!
BEN
Does Bertie want to shout some sort of witty aphorism. That’s not even the right word!
JAMES
Witty retort.
BEN
Witty retort, yeah.
JAMES
Erm…
BERTIE
Gosh! I bet that hurt!
[LAUGHTER]
ALEX
And on that, let’s head back to the one who’s facing up against Sasha. He… what does he do. He starts being quite sneaky and instead of facing off against Sasha, he starts heading away from Sasha. He starts looping around the market stall. Probably got some really cunning plan and technique that he’ll make use of at some point.
BRYN
Or the GM has just realised that he’s about to kill us all. (laughing) One of the two!
ALEX
No, no, that would be fine. (drawling) Because there’s more splash damage where that came from.
BEN
Oh goody.
ALEX
Okay, now, it is… a man and his dog. Hmm.
LYDIA
The dog that failed the Will save?
ALEX
No, the other dog. So, the man readies an action. The dog goes 5, 10, 15, 20, so it loops round behind Bertie, thus flanking him, attacks, at which point the readied action of the man goes off. So the dog attacks first, flanking –
[DICE ROLLS]
It’s a natural 1. (sighs)
BEN
Yes!
BRYN
He drops his tea…
[LAUGHTER]
ALEX
Basically, the dog comes round and it’s obeying… clearly it’s obeying that free-range thing…
JAMES
And it just sits.
ALEX
It just, yeah! It just… it places itself and then clearly isn’t really paying attention? It doesn’t… I’m not even going to say it attacks.
JAMES
Yeah.
ALEX
It just gets there and then doesn’t really twig that it’s meant to have attacked yet.
LYDIA
“Woof?”
JAMES
“Arf?”
[LAUGHTER]
ALEX
Meanwhile, the man opposite goes “Oh, you – d’argh…” and then attacks. He…
[DICE ROLLS]
Oh!
[PLAYERS GROAN]
BEN
What is this!
ALEX
…he rolls a natural 20.
BEN
He’s got to confirm it.
ALEX
He has to confirm a critical.
[DICE ROLLS]
BEN
But he does not.
ALEX
He does not confirm a critical.
JAMES
I don’t know what any of those words mean. That’s fine.
ALEX
Okay, so if you’re in a critical range of your weapon, normally the upper edges of the dice rolls, you can get a critical. In that case, you roll a second dice to confirm whether it hit or not. If it does, you take double weapon damage. So for you, anything that you can do to increase your critical range, so how many it is or how much damage you do, because you’re doing a D10, which is, like, more than anyone else…
JAMES
Yep.
ALEX
Obviously that’s a really big deal. He didn’t make his critical but it still counts as a hit.
JAMES
Okay.
BEN
That was the first… when you nutted than man in an alleyway…
JAMES
Oh yeah.
BEN
…that’s the one that just went out.
ALEX
Straight away, because you just doubled everything you did to him.
JAMES
I remember that. Heady days!
[DICE ROLLS]
ALEX
And he deals you 7 damage.
JAMES
I – am down to zero hit points.
[MORE GROANS FROM PLAYERS]
Yeah.
BRYN
What! How?!
JAMES
Because I took 6 damage from somebody’s acid, cause somebody hid behind me making a splash attack.
ALEX
He has taken a decent amount at level 1.
JAMES
Yeah.
ALEX
Bertie is now unconscious.
LYDIA
Ohhh… my God.
BEN
Uh-oh. That is not good. Things are looking dire for our plucky heroes.
[LAUGHTER]
JAMES
Still, while unconscious, having about the same level of constructive rational thought. And equally likely to pass a Perception check. So…
ALEX
Okay. At which point another man and his dog attack, and then it will be Sasha.
BEN
Okay.
LYDIA
Go on, Zolf.
BEN
We’ll see.
ALEX
The first man takes a five-foot-step towards Zolf so that he doesn’t get that trident to the face.
BEN
Darn him!
ALEX
And he’ll give an attack.
[DICE ROLLS]
And misses.
LYDIA
Hooray!
BEN
Serves him right.
ALEX
His dog…
LYDIA
Is chowing down on eels. Has he finished the eels?
ALEX
Will try to loop round, even though it’s going to be coming within range of Hamid.
BEN
And he’s moving through my threat range?
ALEX
Ah, is he?
BEN
Well, yeah. But if we move…
BRYN
Cause he’s got a double.
ALEX
Sure, well, it’s only a dog. It ain’t that smart. It will move through your strike range, thus you can take an attack of opportunity.
[DICE ROLLS]
BEN
That is a 19!
ALEX
19. So that’s…
BRYN
So that’s, does that threaten a crit?
BEN
I’m assuming not, because I haven’t it written it down. And I would have, because that’s quite important.
BRYN
Fair.
BEN
So that is a D8.
ALEX
Excellent.
[DICE ROLLS]
BEN
5.
ALEX
5.
BEN
Plus my Strength which will be… one, so 6.
ALEX
Let’s have a look.
BEN
I can add 5 to 1.
LYDIA
Yay.
BEN
That was only mildly challenging for me.
ALEX
Okay, the dog…
BEN
There you go. That’s my use – I’ve got a big stick, with pointy bits on the end of it.
LYDIA
Hooray!
JAMES
Do you use it to beat dogs with?
ALEX
Okay, yeah. So the attack of opportunity annihilates the dog, it takes a big hit. It’s still going, but it’s looking very much the worse for wear. It continues its attempt to loop round behind Zolf.
BEN
Still moving within my threat range?
BRYN
You only get one attack of opportunity per round.
ALEX
Yeah.
BRYN
Unless you have Combat Reflexes.
ALEX
And upper levels, given that you will have a reach weapon, it may be worth you taking that.
BEN
Yeah, sure.
ALEX
But for now, it’s taken that hit and then carried…
BEN
Yes, that’s fine.
ALEX
…its movement. And…
BEN
Oh wow, they’ve managed to flank everybody. Everybody is flanked now.
ALEX
Yeah. And…
BEN
Flanks forever.
ALEX
And it will take its attack, or at least attempt to take its attack.
[DICE ROLLS]
And miss.
BEN
(hissing) Yes.
ALEX
You guys are getting very lucky and it’s a good job too!
BEN
We were really unlucky in our rolls, so…
LYDIA
Yeah.
BEN
Everyone’s being incompetent.
ALEX
Sasha, you’re up.
LYDIA
I Message to Hamid, saying –
SASHA
Cover your eyes and ears –
LYDIA
And I throw… because I can see about four things that’s happening to these guys. And I throw a thunderstone into the middle.
ALEX
Into the middle of the mess.
LYDIA
Into the middle of the mess.
BRYN
I…
ALEX
You are able to relay that to everyone, if you want.
BRYN
Well, he’s unconscious.
ALEX
(snickering) Well, yeah.
LYDIA
That’s why you need a thunderstone. You don’t have Bertie, who is himself a thunderstone.
JAMES
In my unconscious dream state I suddenly hear my mother shouting disapprovingly.
BRYN
Yeah, I’ll relay that to Zolf.
ALEX
Okay.
LYDIA
So what do I need to do to throw?
ALEX
To throw it? Give me a ranged attack roll and pick where you’d like it to land.
BRYN
You might need to move a little closer, to reduce the range.
LYDIA
Right, okay. Could you tell me how big the range of the thunderstone itself is?
ALEX
Okay, so just as a reminder for the thunderstone, it’s a ranged attack with a range increment of 20 feet. So that means that for every 20 feet you are away from your target, you’re taking a minus 1. So not like your daggers where it’s 10 feet.
LYDIA
Right.
ALEX
It’s twice as easy to throw. And it makes a big bang, it’s a sonic attack. Each creature within 10 feet…
LYDIA
Ohhh, it’s small.
ALEX
So that is… well no, it’s still sort of six squares by six squares.
LYDIA
Oh, right. Okay.
BRYN
That will cover the…
ALEX
It will cover everyone in the middle, but not yourself or the guy who’s sort of sneaking around the sides. Each creature must make a DC 15 Fortitude save or be deafened for an hour. And such creatures would have, like, a minus 4 on Initiative, 20% chance of a miscast, loose spell, things like that. And you can just choose to aim at a particular square which only has an AC of 5. So if you roll higher than… 2, because of your Dex, you’re going to be landing it where you want.
BEN
So it’s either a hit or a critical fail.
LYDIA
And if I tell them to cover the ears, what kind of bonuses do they get at that stage?
ALEX
I’m going to be – I’m not going to tell you what number it is –
LYDIA
Okay, so I’m going to move forward a couple of… yeah, so it’s within 20. And throw it to there. And I, yeah, I tell them to cover their ears.
ALEX
You can move forward one more square for that. Yep, there you go.
[DICE ROLLS]
BEN
Do you get a 2 or better? You get a 2!
[LAUGHTER]
So that’s enough to hit!
ALEX
Right, so you chuck that thunderstone. It lands with a crack and then suddenly, just a split second afterwards, there is a –
[SFX: GIANT EXPLOSION NOISE]
And the dust starts falling from the ceiling, and you see all of the awnings fall off the tents, bulge outwards briefly, and immediately basically everyone has an urge to just slap their hands to their ears.
LYDIA
But they already have their hands.
ALEX
They were already prepared. So give me your Fortitude saves, both guys in the middle.
[DICE ROLLS]
BEN
7, plus whatever the bonus is.
BRYN
14...
ALEX
14. Hamid is fine.
LYDIA
Yaaaay!
ALEX
The 7… with the modifier… I’m afraid you’ve had a thunderstone.
BEN
Yep.
ALEX
Hamid was fine. Even with the preparation you just didn’t quite get your ears…
BEN
Right. Does it deal any sonic damage?
ALEX
It doesn’t deal sonic damage –
BRYN
Okay.
ALEX
But it’s a very effective distraction that will frankly disturb a bunch of them because it’s quite high-end stuff. Let’s see.
LYDIA
The dogs… what does it do –
BRYN
It’s probably much worse for dogs.
LYDIA
Yeah.
ALEX
Yeah! Dogs have certain things to do with their ears. So let’s see. Let’s do the dogs first.
[DICE ROLLS]
And that second dog…
[DICE ROLLS]
And then person 1…
[DICE ROLLS]
…And second person.
[DICE ROLLS]
Okay. So, both of the men give a yell, clap their hands to their ears, and you’ll see them sort of staggering around. Not in the “dazed” condition, which is a specific thing in Pathfinder, but certainly it appears to have worked. “Argh, argh.” One of the dogs gives a yelp – doesn’t run off, but turns tail as if it’s likely to. And the second dog sort of gives a yelp but seems just about to be…
LYDIA
Oh for goodness sake!
ALEX
…just about to be okay. But you still manage to get three of them.
LYDIA
Nothing works!
ALEX
All of them are now taking their penalties, et cetera.
BEN
You say nothing works. 75% of the enemy’s been affected –
LYDIA
I mean, I thought that the dogs would run away screaming!
ALEX
Well, they can’t. It’s not their action.
LYDIA
Ahhhh.
ALEX
So, Hamid. You’re up. There’s been an enormous boom, the person that everyone is facing it off seems to be quite deafened. One of the dogs looks like it’s about to leg it, and the dog that’s beside you could go either way.
LYDIA
But you’re fine. I’d like to remind you that you are fine!
BRYN
I’m still surrounded by dogs, which is making me quite nervous.
ALEX
You’re flanked by dogs, yes.
BRYN
Can dogs take attacks of opportunity? Is that a thing they can do?
ALEX
I can look up but you wouldn’t know.
BRYN
No, I have no idea! Um, despite the risk of splash damage weapons, I am completely terrified. I will take a five foot step so and go back-to-back with Zolf…
ALEX
Ohh, classic!
BRYN
And just be like –
HAMID
Aaaaaah!
[LAUGHTER]
BRYN
And I almost forget I’m holding a loaded crossbow.
[LYDIA SNICKERS]
But just in time I go –
HAMID
(still terrified) AH!
BRYN
And sort of swing it wildly in an attempt to shoot that dude.
[ALEX LAUGHS]
Who’s right, who’s still standing in this…
ALEX
That will be the one that just took Bertie out.
BRYN
Yeah, exactly.
LYDIA
If he’s blinded and deafened, isn’t this a sneak… doesn’t it count as a sneak attack?
BRYN
I don’t get sneak attacks.
LYDIA
Ah, cool.
BEN
You have (inaudible) benefits for sneak attacks.
[LYDIA GROANS]
[DICE ROLLS]
BRYN
I hit.
BEN
On an 18 rolled.
ALEX
Oh yeah, that’s a hit.
BRYN
But I do one damage.
BEN
It’s better than “you do none damage.”
JAMES
You’ve just pierced his ear. That’s what you’ve done.
[A FEW SNICKERS]
ALEX
So how much damage did you do?
BRYN
1.
ALEX
1 – ooh. Woof. Right.
LYDIA
Hey, doing one damage isn’t anything to be ashamed about. (mock-bitter) Those guys with the big swords.
ALEX
And that was the dog, wasn’t it?
EVERYONE
No.
BRYN
No, that was the man.
ALEX
Yeah, that’s the man. Okay.
BRYN
I’m especially scared of him because he made Bertie fall over. And Bertie’s like my safety blanket?
[LAUGHTER]
I’m now double scared.
ALEX
Zolf.
BEN
Er, right. So I am deaf and blinded?
ALEX
You are not blinded. You are deafened.
BEN
Fine. That doesn’t affect my ability to stab people, right up?
LYDIA
Yay!
ALEX
Not at all.
BEN
Good. Since this dog is obviously having serious issues right now – it looks like it’s losing the will to fight – I’m going to stab the man.
[DICE ROLLS]
I might actually – no, I’m going to fail to stab the man.
ALEX
What did you get as a total? 13.
BEN
Yep. No, does he have a minus on anything for being, like, dazed or dea…
ALEX
Ooh –
BEN
Or not dazed but –
ALEX
I’m afraid it won’t here.
BEN
(sighs) Throw me a bone, Alex, come on! (laughs) Yeah, okay, that’s fine.
JAMES
You can toss him an eel.
BEN
Yeah. I’ve already tossed the eel.
JAMES
Aww.
ALEX
Anything else you’d like to do, because currently you’ve only used an attack.
BEN
No.
ALEX
Okay!
BEN
Because that means moving away from Hamid and leaving him exposed.
ALEX
Okay.
LYDIA
You’ve got no potions or anything…?
BEN
Oh, that’s a very good point. (laughing) Yes, I have potions!
ALEX
You’ve got potions comin’ out the wazoo!
BEN
I’m going to drink a potion!
BRYN
It’s a move action to draw a potion. You’re just out of action to drink the potion.
BEN
(faintly) I can’t do that!
ALEX
You can draw a potion ready for next round.
[CROSSTALK]
BEN
No. I have a shield. I can’t, yep, no.
ALEX
True. Okay.
LYDIA
(amused) We are rubbish.
ALEX
You are just a bit outmatched.
BEN
We’re outnumbered. That’s, yep.
ALEX
Pretty much.
JAMES
I think we should have – there should be a magic item which is basically like a stadium buddy for potions.
BEN
Also, again, um…
BRYN
There’s a potion belt.
BEN
Again, not helping, but rules… shouldn’t James be bleeding out right now?
ALEX
When he comes round to his round, he has to make a save.
BEN
Oh, he’s only fallen down the last round!
ALEX
He’s only just fallen down.
BEN
Oh, yeah, yeah!
JAMES
So much time –
LYDIA
A lot has happened.
JAMES
I know. Time flies when you’re having fun and bleeding on the ground.
[LAUGHTER]
ALEX
Okay. So. The one that took Bertie out, is deafened, banged, and quite frankly he, er…
BRYN
Pierced.
[LAUGHTER]
LYDIA
Gained a new earring.
ALEX
He’s, he’s not having a particularly good time. So, not being a particularly brave fellow, he takes a few steps back. And he’s just going to be there. He’s just keeping his distance from Sasha and everything and he’s pretty much going round… “mm-ah, mm-ah,” he can’t hear anything. He’s just… he’s still just taking a moment to try and get his bearings, hoping that he’ll, you know –
BEN
Yep.
ALEX
Pull himself back together. Bertie. Now, Bertie has to make a save against bleeding out.
BEN
Ah!
JAMES
What am I rolling?
BEN
Roll a D20.
JAMES
D20.
ALEX
Mhm. And this is factoring in against your Fortitude save to check that you don’t start bleeding, basically.
JAMES
Okay. I have a Fortitude of 5?
ALEX
You have a formidable Fortitude save.
[DICE ROLLS]
JAMES
11 plus 5 is 16.
ALEX
Er, off the top of my head, that’s fine. You have stabilised, so you’re just having a snooze.
[JAMES MAKES SNORING NOISES]
[SNICKERS]
JAMES
You see, most people would dream about counting sheep. Bertie dreams about counting money.
LYDIA
Attacking tables.
[JAMES CHUCKLES]
ALEX
Okay. The boss character is now… he vaults –
[DICE ROLLS]
Into the tent and is out of your sight.
BEN
Okay, so he’s in here.
ALEX
He’s in there somewhere, but you don’t know what he’s doing.
BRYN
Set fire to the tent!
[LAUGHTER]
JAMES
He’s doing parkour, which I think is reason enough to kill him.
[MORE LAUGHTER]
LYDIA
But did the fire – flame thing that I threw into the eel stand actually make it catch fire?
ALEX
It’s still taking a little while to catch. It hasn’t gone, like, bursting into flames or anything. But it’s still on fire.
LYDIA
Is it already possible to set fire to the tent that the dude is…
BEN
I imagine eel stands, though, are quite wet.
[LAUGHTER]
LYDIA
True – is that a shop, has he vaulted into a shop for kindling?
BEN
The water shop! Sparks-R-Us!
ALEX
Petrol and Kindling. “All of your fire needs!”
[CROSSTALK]
LYDIA
It’s the Mad Max trope.
ALEX
Okay. The dog flees.
LYDIA
Yaaaay!
ALEX
5, 10, 15, 20, 25, 30, 35. It’s…
BEN
That’s the back of that.
ALEX
It’s fled. Turns out the really loud noise was not something that it was particularly happy with.
BRYN
You can take an attack of opp as it fled.
BEN
Um –
BRYN
But you’re not a cruel man.
BEN
No, I also don’t want to stab a dog in the bum when…
[LAUGHTER]
ALEX
When a man with a sword –
BEN
When a man with a sword might evoke an attack later. Not my primary concern right now.
ALEX
Okay. The person facing off against Zolf takes an attack.
LYDIA
Wait, the dog or the man?
ALEX
The man.
LYDIA
Right. That dude.
[DICE ROLLS]
BEN
Probably not, AC of 17.
ALEX
(laughs) No! Noooo. He’s still deafened and “argh, argh, urgh.” He takes a wild, wild swing. He’s not really…
BEN
Deflect it with my shield, get that doing some work.
LYDIA
You know, Archer is the only show – the only show with gunfire that really does this sort of ringing ears.
ALEX
Yeah.
LYDIA
For ages afterwards it’s just, (high-pitched) eeeeeeee!
ALEX
Aw, yeah.
LYDIA
And this is – I’m imagining this as, like, just, you in the tin can of your helmet, eeeeeeeee!
BEN
Stumbling around like, “Argh, this is not…”
ALEX
Everything is blurry and everything is a bit confusing. But yeah, the second dog backs up and goes beside its… one of the owners.
BEN
Has it traversed a difficult terrain?
[LAUGHTER]
ALEX
It goes all the way round, because it’s a dog.
LYDIA
It’s because of Bertie.
BEN
Fair enough.
ALEX
It doesn’t look particularly happy, but neither has it fled.
BEN
Sure, so it’s standing next to the guy whose back is to…
ALEX
Mhm. They’re taking a moment and then the… Sasha. The Sasha, you’re up.
LYDIA
The Sasha. Er, right. So I’ve seen…
ALEX
By far the most effective move so far, by the way, chucking that thunderstone.
BEN
Yeah.
LYDIA
Yeah.
BEN
Probably – well, if we survive it – it would’ve been the thing that saved us, I think.
LYDIA
Right, so, I can see those guys are backing off and I know… I know that the boss dude is a horrible man and that he has not gone into this tent for shopping for Christmas presents.
[LAUGHTER]
ALEX
Surprise!
LYDIA
Yeah.
BEN
The orphans have –
ALEX
Except it is Tinder-R-Us so he’s just going to be giving you all sticks.
JAMES
If it’s Tinder-R-Us, he’s going to be in that tent swiping left about every single one of us.
[PROLONGED GROAN FROM EVERYONE ELSE]
LYDIA
So I’m – quite genuinely, I need to know – can I see what it’s in… what that shop is selling. What kind of stuff is dangling on… cos I’m looking, I can see sort of sideways into the awning if anything is hanging there.
ALEX
Okay.
LYDIA
Just if it’s a weapons shop, or a fire…
ALEX
Give me a Perception roll for… this is sort of retroactive for when you were looking round the market earlier, so you can discern what you saw.
[DICE ROLLS]
LYDIA
14.
ALEX
14. Okay, yeah. So what you saw was, it was selling tomatoes…
LYDIA
Okay, wet things. Mm.
ALEX
But, but, it was selling “tomatoes” in an inverted comma –
LYDIA
Oh, right. Drug shop!
BEN(?)
Grenades!
LYDIA
Grenade shop!
ALEX
And certainly it was selling something where he handed something in a vial to another person that was from underneath a…
LYDIA
That was quite a lot of Perception I did.
ALEX
You did quite well. I mean in fairness…
LYDIA
I did roll a lot of Perception checks today.
ALEX
…you walked around and you were being very careful and you snuck quite close and you were being really paranoid.
LYDIA
I was.
ALEX
It looked like it was a flask similar to the things that are being thrown around, but you don’t know whether it was full of acid, or…
LYDIA
Oh dear!
ALEX
…oil. It could be full of water and potions. You don’t know.
BEN
The potential to go full Michael Bay on him, though.
LYDIA
Right. What do I…
JAMES
You could fly a fighter jet into the tent.
LYDIA
I have another thunderstone…
BEN
Alright, partial Michael Bay!
LYDIA
…and I’m trying to think what – if I could run to the front of the shop and throw something in, that would mess him right up.
And I wonder as well, I mean, I don’t know if this is something that mechanically remote, if you throw something that has a pulse that big into something that’s full of glass vials of acid…
ALEX
It’s a GM discretion.
LYDIA
Right, yeah. I mean, because that would be the hope.
BEN
Do you have quick draw?
LYDIA
Er, no.
BEN
Just because likewise you can’t move-and-draw-and-throw. You have to either move-and-draw or draw-and-throw.
LYDIA
I mean, I am very quick.
BEN
That’s – not how that works.
[LAUGHTER]
JAMES
What else have you got, inventory-wise, at the moment?
LYDIA
I’ve got one thunderstone and two flasks of fire. Um, and a disguise kit and playing cards.
[SNICKERS]
BEN
Flick cards in!
LYDIA
Gambit!
ALEX
Right, I’m going to pressure you, what are you going to do?
LYDIA
Uh, oh, gosh.
ALEX
Snap decisions are the best decisions!
LYDIA
They are! I am going to… yep, I know that he was the biggest threat. I am going to run up to, 1, 2, 3, 4, 5. I mean, it’s easy. I’m looking into the shop and seeing what he’s doing and then I will decide whether to attack him.
ALEX
Okay. Looking into the shop. You see that he’s pulled the tent, sort of flaps aside…
LYDIA
Uh-huh. Ooh, flaps.
ALEX
Yep. In the middle of the thing, he hasn’t noticed that you are looking at him, and it is very clear that the second that the tent flaps were aside, this thing is chock-full of those oil flask things.
LYDIA
Oh gosh.
ALEX
The ones that the bombers were using, it looks like. So not an acid splash, but literally just vials of oil. And he is… he’s holding a, what looks like a bag or something, and he’s grabbing and yanking.
[LYDIA SUCKS IN A BREATH THROUGH HER TEETH]
Also, it looks like there’s someone unconscious on the floor.
LYDIA
Oh no!
ALEX
There were people in the other shops, they’ve all been sort of…
LYDIA
Run away…
ALEX
I mean, it’s only been a few seconds, but since that thunder a few people have been “ooh, arr, arr,” people have been sort of coming out from their stalls and running away. Most of them honestly seem to have drawn swords from underneath their counters, or cudgels and things. They aren’t fleeing, they’re just watching it play out.
LYDIA
This is not unusual.
BEN
What did the eel merchant do?
LYDIA
Yeah!
BEN
His poor stall.
LYDIA
It wasn’t that damaged by the fire.
BEN
We don’t know yet.
LYDIA
True.
ALEX
None of you have been able to discern… you haven’t been paying attention what happened to the eel man.
BEN
So after this is he – we’re just going to fade to black…. and then, “the fate of the eel man.”
ALEX
So yeah, you see these stocking up on flasks of oil.
LYDIA
If I were Bertie, I would attack the shop. That sounds like a wise thing to do.
ALEX
I’m afraid, though, chucking something in, you wouldn’t be able to do this round.
LYDIA
I am not strong enough to pull down the awning. I can throw a dagger at him.
ALEX
You could draw something, because you’ve only just moved over so far.
LYDIA
I’ve got spring-loaded wrist shooters.
ALEX
True.
JAMES
I don’t know if you can do this or not, but if I were this chap and I was sitting in a room full of exploding things, and somebody drew a flask full of fire and threatened to throw it at me, that might give me pause. I don’t know if it’s a thing…
LYDIA
That is not a thing that Sasha would think – that sounds like a Charisma move. Intimidate is not something she…
ALEX
So, what’s left in your turn?
LYDIA
Just the attack thing. So I – can I throw, still?
ALEX
You could use your wrist sheath and throw a dagger at him.
LYDIA
(makes throwing noise) Pssssht. Throw.
ALEX
Go for it. Give me the attack roll.
LYDIA
Oh, gosh.
[DICE ROLLS]
(despairing) 5.
BEN
Ow. No.
LYDIA
No.
ALEX
No, won’t hit. So on that we’re going to call this episode!
[GROANS, LYDIA MOCK-WAILS]
Ooh, peril! Danger! Disaster!
JAMES
No! Scenes of peril! Aaaargh! I’m under 12 years old and I find this very distressing!
ALEX
I would say this is bordering on moderate peril. There’s a tent full of flammable things, there’s an eel stand that’s already on fire – which is impressive, because it’s mostly water.
JAMES
I’m sleeping and Bertie has night terrors. That wasn’t in the background.
ALEX
But, you know, you’re at least holding your own so far. So we’re going to call it there, and we will re-join the action next week. And so until then, that’s bye from all of us.
BEN
Goodbye.
LYDIA
Bye.
BRYN
Goodbye.
LYDIA
Hopefully live to see you again!
[JAMES MAKES SNORING NOISES]
[SNICKERS]
LYDIA
Night Bertie!
[SHOW THEME – OUTRO]
ALEX
Rusty Quill Gaming is a podcast distributed by rustyquill.com and licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution Non-Commercial International License. Today’s episode was recorded and produced by Alexander J Newall. To comment on episodes, make donations, and view links, images, videos and show notes, visit rustyquill.com. Rate and review us on iTunes, visit us on Facebook, tweet us on Twitter @therustyquill, or email us at mail@rustyquill.com. Thanks for listening.
ALEX
Is everyone good?
EVERYONE
Mhm.
ALEX
(warming up, wavery) Hiiii. Iiiiiii.
[GENERAL WARMING UP FROM OTHERS]
LYDIA
Yellow lorry, red lorry.
ALEX
So from now on, Hamid’s known as WhatsApp, and… er, yeah. So –
BEN
What’s app, Hamid?
ALEX
– with – (groans) uuuuuurgh.
BEN
It’s actually, the pun’s built into the name, so it’s not really a good joke.
[A FEW SNICKERS]
They did set that up –
BRYN
So what you’re saying is, you used a corporate pun.
BEN
Look –
[LYDIA MOCK-GASPS]
BRYN
(shame-on-you) Ooooo. Oooooooooo.
BEN
My branding is very strong. Alright?
[LAUGHTER]
JAMES
Tossing an eel to distract the dog. Is that an option?
ALEX
I –
[A BIRD DELICATELY TWITTERS OUTSIDE]
[LAUGHTER]
ALEX
Bryn’s gone, “I’m going to have to edit from ‘tossing my eel.’”
[GROUP LAUGHTER]
[BRYN LAUGHS FOR SO LONG IT STARTS SOUNDING PAINED]
ALEX
Get it out your system, Bryn!
BRYN
(catches his breath) Oh, I’m sorry, I’m sorry.