[Show Theme – Intro]
ALEX
Hello again! And welcome to episode 9 of the Rusty Quill Gaming podcast. I’m your host and GM Alex Newall, and with me:
JAMES
James Ross.
BRYN
Bryn Monroe.
BEN
Ben Meredith.
LYDIA
Lydia Nicholas.
ALEX
And who are you playing?
JAMES
I am Sir Bertrand “Bertie” MacGuffingham.
BRYN
I’m playing Hamid, the halfling sorcerer and man about town.
BEN
Zolf Smith, a now-clean dwarven cleric.
LYDIA
Sasha Racket, the, er… don’t know where I’m from, no one – no one – no one knows. I am just, no, why am I even here. Nope. It’s fine…
[OUTBURST OF LAUGHTER]
…stop looking at me.
BEN(?)
Lyd’s just having an existential crisis in the podcast!
LYDIA
Stop looking at me. No, it’s my character! It’s my character, there’s a difference!
[THEY MANAGE TO GET THEIR LAUGHTER UNDER CONTROL]
ALEX
Okay. So quick recap: the fire at Edison’s, the Simulacrum was either destroyed or stolen or something. You guys managed to save a bunch of people, chase down the people who had taken it – well, I say “chase down,” they managed to get away. But! You tracked them down, like, the route that they took into the sewers, and there was a brief period where Zolf was swimming in poo.
BEN
Yes!
ALEX
You guys managed to find both the head and arm – I’ve never spelt that out, the right arm of the Simulacrum.
BEN
Ah, okay.
BRYN
As opposed to the wrong arm!
[Group makes appreciative noises]
ALEX
See, James, that was brilliant.
JAMES
Well, we returned the right arm… to the long arm of the law, and now the narrative continues.
BEN
So it can do no more h…arm!
[BURST OF CACKLING]
ALEX
No more, no more. Seriously, stop trying to give me a hand.
LYDIA
He needs to el-bow out!
[EVERYONE GROANS]
ALEX
Right! So you guys managed to return the right hand of the Simulacrum – no puns. Right hand of the Simulacrum to Sergeant Haringay, who then paid you. You guys have gone to rest at Hamid’s and accepted the further investigative work of tracking down the people that took it. Any plans – either take them if they’ve made any more, destroy them and bring people back, by hook or by crook. So.
JAMES
But first, we’re going shopping!
[EVERYONE LAUNCHES INTO INCOMPREHENSIBLE FALALALADADADADA SINGING]
[ALEX CACKLES]
BRYN
Luckily, we completed the shopping trip between episodes!
ALEX
Yeah, shopping in Pathfinder takes a long…
JAMES
During the commercial break.
ALEX
(snickers) Of a week! Basically the week where they – bought things.
JAMES
We went off to Dubai, that’s basically the only purpose of Dubai…
ALEX
Oh, that’s what we do, we just go on holidays all the time.
JAMES
Yep.
ALEX
So they all did their shopping already, and what we’re going to do is we’re going to say that basically we’ll join the party after you guys had a good night’s rest. There was the awkward moment of you all waking up in the same flat that you managed to navigate, and you did your shopping. What I’ll ask is what you guys bought, but there’s really no need to go through how we worked everything out. We will do a metacast at some point discussing equipment and good uses for different classes and things, but right now, just, if people can let me know what they bought.
So, starting with you, James.
JAMES
Cool. So my character, he – during the previous, one of the previous episodes, one of the falcon pauldron eyes got knocked out. So I’ve had that replaced with, I believe the technical term is an ever-burning torch? But it’s been re-skinned.
ALEX
Sure, yeah. We’re re-skinning that as basically working it into the armour, I don’t have a problem with that.
BRYN
Like basically a gem that performs the same function.
ALEX
Yeah. Technically you should be paying more because it’s an item that you don’t have to hold, frankly I don’t care. I just don’t care. I should, but I don’t.
[BEN SNICKERS]
JAMES
For extra fanciness it can be switched on and off, because the falcon has got, like, a little eye patch. And you lift it up and the light shines out, and you close it and it’s no longer shining.
ALEX
Sure. The item that it is actually from, the ever-burning torch, is normally meant to be a literal, like, “fire on a stick,” as Ben’s described it before. It’s a flaming torch, the idea being that it only goes out if – I think if it’s wanted to. But you can take it under water, you can take it into oxygenless environments and it will still burn. But, yeah, it makes no difference to me whether you reskin…
LYDIA
How much does it cost?
JAMES
An ever-burning torch costs 110 gold, which brings me down to 100 gold, because I started off with the Rich Parents stretched ability. (snorts) I have the ability to have rich parents. That’s not the way that opportunity works, I’m afraid, but carry on.
ALEX
And Bryn, what did you buy?
BRYN
So I bought – I also had rich parents, but I had a lot more money left from my rich parents than James’ character. I spent 250 gold on five potions of Cure Light Wounds, and distributed them amongst the party.
ALEX
Sure, and…
SASHA
That’s well nice, Hamid, is-is-is there anything – I don’t have anything to give you, is that, I…
ZOLF
I didn’t buy you anything.
HAMID
We’re a team! You don’t need to –
SASHA
(stammering) Okay.
BERTIE
Bottoms up, hey!
SASHA
Mm.
[BEAT]
No, Bertie, no!
[PLAYERS CACKLE]
BERTIE
Huh? Oh.
ALEX
And Ben?
BEN
I bought a health potion myself, so I now have two. And a healer’s kit for the mundane healings – so setting broken bones and making sure things don’t get infected, and just general useful things.
ALEX
Yep. And last but not least?
LYDIA
I only had the 110 gold that came from that sort of distant payment, and so I spent 100 of that on Masterwork Thieves’ Tools for the picking of the lockings.
ALEX
Definitely. We’ll be doing a metacast guide at some point about how to, basically, good ways to play rogues. Your first thing you should buy should really always be expert thieves’ tools if you can get them.
LYDIA
And the remaining 10 I spent on two daggers, because I had thrown daggers into the fire in the previous fight.
ALEX
And they’re under a house, currently.
LYDIA
Yep, they are currently… So I now have six daggers, which I think is a nice, a nice amount.
ALEX
It’s a nice round number.
LYDIA
(agreeing) It’s a nice round number.
ALEX
Even numbers are your friends when you’re a two-handed, duelling fighter.
LYDIA
Yup. So I’ve got two of them are winched into my lovely, the spring-loaded wrist sheaths that I already had, which are lovely, lovingly hidden in my…
ALEX
Oh, they are going to get better when you put wands in them. You can put a wand.
LYDIA
Wands…
JAMES
(thoughtfully) Spring-loaded wand sheaths.
ALEX
Yeah, (laughing) you can fire fireballs from your sleeves!
LYDIA
Ah… I don’t like it.
[SNICKERS]
ALEX
Okay, so we will pick up where you have just finished your shopping trip. (singsong) Fa la! You guys are stocked up, shopped up, and you’re currently stood, let’s say, the square outside Edison’s again. It’s a nice known place that’s fairly central.
Erm… go!
[THE DISTANT NOISE OF PEOPLE TALKING FADES IN]
SASHA
I suppose…
ZOLF
Right.
SASHA
Does an – I don’t remember where the manhole cover is, I don’t think – does anyone? Because I think –
HAMID
(cutting off the stammering) I do, yes, I wrote it down.
SASHA
Oh. (quiet) Okay.
[ALEX LAUGHS]
ZOLF
Well done, Hamid.
BERTIE
Good man, Hamid.
HAMID
You said you had contacts in Other London who might be able to help us?
SASHA
Er – no, like, what I said was that I know my way around.
ZOLF
That’s fine. Look, we’ll be in and out as quick as possible. First sign of trouble, we’ll make sure to, well –
BERTIE
Hit it, hit it really hard with this!
JAMES
Draws my sword, and then I’m going to unsheathe the eye patch –
[BERTIE STARTS MAKING LOUD ALARM NOISES:]
BERTIE
EEE-OOO-EEE-OOO-EEE –
SASHA
So… (louder) so… Bertie.
ZOLF
B-Bertie.
BERTIE
(over them) OOO-EEE-OOO-EEE-OOO-EEE –
SASHA
Bertie –
ZOLF
Bertie.
[BERTIE STOPS]
SASHA
Bertie!
BERTIE
What? I’m practicing.
ZOLF
That’s nice, that’s good.
[BERTIE STARTS UP THE ALARM AGAIN]
ZOLF
No –
[BERTIE STOPS]
ZOLF
That’s good, let’s save it for the, do it on the night.
SASHA
Right.
BERTIE
(grumpy) Spoil my fun.
JAMES
Sheathe the sword.
SASHA
You’re going, like, you’re going to be so obvious down there. It’s going to be, it’s going to be – I mean, you’re obvious up here, but like, that is –
ZOLF
Think about it. If you’re standing next to him, who are they going to go for?
SASHA
Well, that’s always the plan, right?
ZOLF
There you go.
SASHA
But you’re –
BERTIE
Me, I’m brilliant.
ZOLF
There you go, exactly.
BERTIE
They’ll come straight to me, and I will shake them heartily by the hand and say, “I…”
SASHA
What I’m saying is –
BERTIE
“…I am Sir Bertrand ‘Bertie’ MacGuffingham…”
SASHA
– is that if –
BERTIE
“…you can call me Sir Bertrand.” And they will love me.
ZOLF
That will go down a storm, I imagine.
SASHA
– If there was a way to maybe make us look a bit less neat, or… obvious – like, Hamid, you look pretty glamorous in that suit, that’s going to stick out. Just while we’re down there.
HAMID
(absolutely baffled) You want me to look… not my best?
SASHA
Think of it –
HAMID
I don’t…
SASHA
Think of it like being your best “for Other London.”
ZOLF
Can you use, can you use that hanky thing to make yourself look… less good?
[ALEX TRIES AND FAILS TO NOT LAUGH]
HAMID
I suppose, maybe… I mean, I don’t know. (voice climbing in confusion) I mean, how would that even work?
[ALEX IS FULLY LOSING IT]
BERTIE
I’m not sure I understand.
SASHA
Right, so like, if we want to be able to ask anyone questions instead of them just ripping off all your fancy suits, you’re going to need to at least look… normal.
ZOLF
(amused) It depends on the question you ask.
SASHA
Yeah.
HAMID
I do look normal! This is how I always look!
SASHA
You don’t look… normal.
ZOLF
We need to blend in.
SASHA
Yeah! Think of it like being fashionable –
HAMID
(finally getting it) Like a disguise!
SASHA
Yes!
ZOLF
Disguise yourself.
SASHA
Yes.
HAMID
Oh, okay.
BERTIE
Oh!
ZOLF
You are playing a role, pretending to be another person.
BERTIE
Like fancy dress, but fancy dress… as poor people.
HAMID
(dry) Yes, well done, Bertie. As always you’ve cut straight to the heart of the matter.
[EVERYONE LOSES IT]
BEN
(imitating Bertie) “Hello, I’ve come as a poor person!”
ALEX
(imitating Bertie) “Look how poor I am, goodness me, look I don’t have pockets, oooh!”
BRYN
I cast Presti – Prestidi – urgh! I can’t say that word!
ALEX
(in a whisper) I believe in you!
BRYN
I cast… Prestidigitation.
[PLAYERS CHEER]
I mask my hair, I create the appearance of holes worn through and patches in my suit, and I apply dirt as… (sounding extremely pained) as liberally as I am capable of doing without hating myself.
BEN
(laughing) A single tear rolls down your cheek.
SASHA
That’s good, that particularly, that is good, that will make you fit in.
BERTIE
I have seen poor people crying, that is very good.
SASHA
The line of tears, yeah.
ALEX
I’m going to be honest, Sasha, I mean, looking at Hamid when he has put on as much dirt as he can handle, what he has done is a really artful kind of smudge. Just on the one cheek, to make him look kind of pained and artistic, as opposed to, you know, rolled in dirt or anything.
[A BEAT]
LYDIA
It will only last five minutes until he gets filthy anyway.
BEN
Yeah.
SASHA
Right, I mean, you don’t think that me and Zolf need any… scuffin’ up?
BERTIE
No, I think whatever costuming you’ve done, you’ve been really very effective. Well done, both of you.
ZOLF
I do try my best.
SASHA
Thank you… very much, Bertie.
BERTIE
You in particular, young lady, yes.
SASHA
(faintly) It’s a new leather jacket!
BERTIE
Well – and… well. Very – very – very nice, very sharp it looks too.
ZOLF
So Hamid, if you want to work your magic on, er, Bertie here?
BERTIE
I don’t think that’s necessary.
HAMID
Um, I don’t know how I would, really.
ZOLF
Can you – can that thing, I can see you’ve put holes in, can you put dents? Fake ones!
BERTIE
Er…
HAMID
Er…
BERTIE
Er…
ALEX
From a gamemastering point of view, you can do minor changes like that, but you couldn’t do a disguise from it.
HAMID
Ooh! I could, I could try doing this –
BRYN
I use Prestidigitation to make it look like his armour is rusty.
ALEX
Yeah, you can do that.
BEN
So it’s still falcons everywhere, but…
JAMES
But all the falcons look sad now. Alright.
BEN
(laughing) Sad falcons.
ALEX
I’m letting you stretch Prestidigitation about as faaaar as it can go.
LYDIA
I’ve got a disguise kit.
ALEX
Oh yeah, like, if you try to help him out, you can make a big difference.
LYDIA
So, yeah, I’m pretty sure…
[CROSSTALK]
ALEX
Prestidigitation, like I said, it’s non-mechanical so it’s…
LYDIA
…I’m gonna, I’ll be like –
SASHA
Right, so. Hamid, much as I appreciate your efforts, I’m just going to step in here a bit.
LYDIA
And so I just pick up some dirt and apply liberally. And in the disguise kit it has the lovely sort of oil-based paints that look like…
ALEX
Oh, yeah, yeah.
LYDIA
…they would stay, you know, so I can apply it predictably.
ALEX
Okay, give me a Disguise check for Hamid and a Disguise check for Bertie.
[DICE ROLLS]
LYDIA
Oh good Lord. Okay, so.
ALEX
This will be Hamid first because I said his name first.
LYDIA
Hamid: four plus three.
BEN
Do you get a, does Disguise give you a bonus or?
LYDIA
I’ve got a disguise kit. Yeah, I couldn’t remember what it…
ALEX
As far as I’m aware the disguise kit…
BEN
Or is it just “allow it”?
BRYN
I think it’s about not getting a penalty.
ALEX
I think it just negates, like, a minus 3.
LYDIA
So seven…
ALEX
So seven is for, he basically looks the same, maybe a little bit more dirt on him.
LYDIA
Yep. But he’s… (laughs) but resentful. I don’t see him from the resentment.
ALEX
The resent will help! That goes down well in Other London.
LYDIA
Right.
[DICE ROLLS]
And so for Bertie, 12 plus three, so 15.
ALEX
Fifteen, hmm. How… I’m now – as a game master, how would you go about disguising armour?
LYDIA
Er, right, so obviously…
JAMES
Hello! I am a tank in man form! A gleaming tank, made of gold.
LYDIA
Obviously I can’t really –
JAMES
Make me look poor.
LYDIA
– I can’t disguise much of it, but so there’s – I make his shirt or anything that is hanging out at all, like any –
ALEX
In fairness you could probably find something like a cloak covering or something, you can make the armour more tarnished or…
LYDIA
So I’m going to put a cloak round him. I’m also going to really scuff up the handle of his sword, like, so that looks all – yeah, there’s grub all over his face.
ALEX
Okay.
LYDIA
And so it just looks, so he just looks like he has been through a lot of sweaty fights, but has not really cleaned.
ALEX
Sure.
ZOLF
(pleased) You’re looking much more like I think a mercenary should, actually.
SASHA
Yeah.
BERTIE
(grumbles under his breath) Hmm.
HAMID
(faintly) I don’t like it.
JAMES
Should I note down any, like, mechanical effects?
ALEX
Not really. It’s going to come down to people, whether they recognise you or not.
JAMES
Cool. So I’m quite well disguised.
ALEX
So you’re in the middle of the square and everyone has watched Sasha cover you with dirt and all kinds of muck.
LYDIA
Thinking about it, that wasn’t the best move.
BERTIE
We’re rehearsing a play, everyone relax.
[LAUGHTER]
HAMID
We probably should have done that before we left the house.
SASHA
Or down the sewer. Down the manhole.
[BERTIE MAKES GAGGING NOISES]
ZOLF
It’s alright. If we don’t think it’s taken, I’ll just kick you guys in that drain. Get to find out what it’s like.
ALEX
So what do you guys do then?
HAMID
Time to head down, I guess.
ZOLF
Yep, definitely is.
SASHA
I guess… (hopefully) I mean, if we want to spend more time on the disguises –
HAMID
No, let’s go.
ZOLF
No, let’s go.
ALEX
(snickers) So presumably Hamid leads the way for you, knowing where the manhole was. Cool. Yeah, you guys head there, you get to the manhole cover. It looks like it has been replaced. It is not a tall order for Bertie to remove it once he is, you know, at the right level, and blah, blah, blah. So you guys head back down.
[THE SOUNDS OF PEOPLE TALKING FADE OUT]
BEN
I’ll put it back.
ALEX
Which one do you go down, I should clarify. Do you go down the one that was Willikins and Brothers, in his shop, or by the external one?
BEN
The external one is what I was thinking.
BRYN
The one right over the staircase where we came out.
ALEX
I assumed as much.
BRYN
Yeah.
ALEX
So you head down that, and you start clomping down the staircase, presumably. Clang, bang, clang, bang, clang, bang, clang, bang. Eventually you make it down to the level that Sasha poked her head out and saw a bazaar.
[THE RHYTHMIC DRIPPING OF THE SEWERS, AND ALSO THE NOISES OF A DISTANT MARKET, COME IN]
HAMID
Should we start asking now, or should we go further down?
SASHA
I mean, maybe one floor down we’d come out at floor level of the market, rather than above all the awnings.
HAMID
That’s definitely a good idea.
ZOLF
Yep.
ALEX
Okay.
ZOLF
And taking, like, we’ll take our lead from you, you’re the one who’s experienced.
SASHA
Right. So, the thing to remember down here is the, no one will tell you nothing. Er, no one will trust you. And no one will have seen anything. And…
BERTIE
Guh, that sounds hard. Urgh!
SASHA
So…
BEN
I don’t know, it’s pretty much along the lines of Bertie’s Perception checks.
[SNICKERS]
SASHA
So we’ll have to find some way to convince people or, like, get them to trust us, which…
HAMID
We could bribe them?
SASHA
Well, I don’t, I don’t have cash, but we’ll see.
HAMID
I’ve got a little bit. I didn’t bring very much, I thought that wouldn’t be a great idea.
SASHA
There’s many ways to lever a person down here, um, and we’ve got skills in them all.
ZOLF
I mean, I’ve got a big pointed stick.
SASHA
Yeah, I’ve got small pointed sticks.
BERTIE
I have charm and this face!
JAMES
Smiles winningly at, almost too winningly, excessively winningly, at all of the other members of the party.
LYDIA
We, I suppose, leave you smiling and go down one more floor.
ALEX
Sure, yeah. You head down one more floor and you come across a door which is not intended to be opened from the other side. So basically there’s bolts and stuff. You could pull it apart, you’d have to unlock it because it still would require a lock, but…
BEN
We can use your master locksmith!
LYDIA
(delighted) I can try out my new lock things!
[DICE ROLLS]
Fourteen plus three.
ALEX
Yeah, you’re good.
LYDIA
Right, cool.
BEN
Many bonuses.
LYDIA
Beat that lock. Yeah! Boo to you, lock.
ALEX
You don’t need to. You don’t need to hit it, you can use your little pick.
[LAUGHTER]
LYDIA
Oh, why didn’t I think of that?
ALEX
Yeah, so –
BEN
“I’ve got a master in locksmithing.”
[ALEX STARTS MAKING HAMMERING NOISES]
BEN
“It’s just a hammer! It’s just a hammer.” “Well, it works.”
ALEX
So you open that lower door and you – it opens outwards, and you open it a little bit and encounter a bit of resistance, like you’ve pushed up against something. And there is the sound of voices very close to it.
LYDIA
Can anyone see through?
ALEX
If you poke your head through.
LYDIA
Yeah, I look through.
ALEX
Sure. You’re basically in the back wall of someone’s stall. Like, it’s a door that’s just – it’s always been locked, so why would anyone bother, so they’ve set up a stall just plonked right in front of it. So you’re opening up into what looks like a, let’s call it, it’s a shop that’s selling butchered rat.
LYDIA
Alright.
BEN
Nice.
LYDIA
Okay. Is the shopkeeper there?
ALEX
The guy is there on the other side. He’s going, “this is prime rat, this is prime rat, obviously it’s prime rat, look at it, this is bigger than your arm! Maybe not your arm. Bigger than my arm!” The guy is not particularly tall, and no one has noticed you yet.
LYDIA
I try and sneak out the side of the stall. So I get out the back – I begin to realise as I’m doing this that this won’t work for the whole party.
[PLAYERS SNICKER]
ALEX
Do you know what, I’m not even going to get you to do a check for this one, because it’s home turf and no one’s looking out for you. So yeah.
LYDIA
I slide out and then –
SASHA
(whispering) Only come through when I’ve made it ready.
ALEX
I tell you what, we’ll say there is a rack of shelves which the door was pushing up and just pushed forward a little bit, so you’re behind a rack of shelves with rats sort of hanging from them.
SASHA
Come out when the coast is clear, okay? Zolf, you tell him when to come out.
[SNICKERS]
ZOLF
Alright, will do.
LYDIA
Okay, so I sneak out and I try and get round the front, to the front stall where the rats are…
ALEX
No problem.
SASHA
(extremely awkwardly) Hel-lo!
[BEAT]
[EVERYONE BURSTS INTO LAUGHTER]
BEN
Powerful opening gambit!
ALEX
I love your charisma!
[CROSSTALK]
LYDIA
I’ve got minus one Charisma, guys! You guys are my friends, this is as, that is as good as it gets. Urgh…
BRYN
While she’s talking to the shopkeeper I’m going to attempt to sneak out without attracting attention.
ALEX
Sure, we’ll do the sneaks and then we can roleplay the conversation depending on how successful people are.
[DICE ROLLS]
SASHA
(very strained) Hello, what is it that you’re selling?
BRYN
I rolled an 18, so once again 24 on my Stealth check.
ALEX
Yep. (makes a whooshing sound) Hamid’s out, quick and easy.
ALEX (SHOPKEEPER)
Well this is, this is prime rat cut.
SASHA
What makes it prime rat –
ALEX (SHOPKEEPER)
Sorry, bear with me, lovely. (to someone else) If you’re not going to buy something, go away!
ALEX
The other person goes away.
ALEX (SHOPKEEPER)
Right, so, well, this is prime rat. I mean, look at this! This one – this is hand-reared. I reared this myself.
SASHA
Where do you do the rearing?
ALEX (SHOPKEEPER)
Where do you do the rearing? Well, obviously it is all reared locally, we locally source all of our organic rats.
SASHA
Right. What do they… eat, the rats?
ALEX
I advise another Sneak roll, by the way. Basically, when you guys decide to roll is when I’ll assume you’ll start exiting out.
BEN
I’ll kind of sidle out and just see if…
ALEX
Give me a Sneak roll, because you’re clanking and stalking…
BEN
I’m not really trying to sneak, I’m just sidling, like, just being unobtrusive, but not like a “ooh.”
LYDIA
I can see you so I begin to talk loudly. So –
SASHA
(much louder) I don’t believe that you could rear rats this good in this kind of place. You –
ALEX (SHOPKEEPER)
How dare – how dare you! Obviously the way that you rear a good rat, is you feed it a good diet, i.e. rat. Right, these are rat-bred, rat-fed, rats.
SASHA
Right, but that doesn’t make any sense!
ALEX (SHOPKEEPER)
Of course it does! It seals in the flavour, love.
SASHA
It seals in… what flavour, the flavour of –
ALEX (SHOPKEEPER)
Rat!
SASHA
You’re, you’re a liar!
BEN
I think we’re rolling now.
[LAUGHTER]
JAMES
You were rolling first. You were definitely out first.
BEN
I’m not sneaking, I’m just sidling out, but when I saw that he was arguing I was just like…
ALEX
He wasn’t even bothering.
JAMES
Oh, right.
ALEX
She deliberately started an argument. But, um, you’re going to have to. You’re wearing full plate armour, and you’re not exactly subtle without it.
JAMES
Yup, okay. So what count am I on here?
ALEX
I’m waiting for you to come out singing your own theme tune. “Da, da, da, da, da, da. Bah, bah, bah, sneak, sneak, sneak, sneak!”
JAMES
It’s like a sitcom. “Hey everyone!”
[LAUGHTER]
Okay, er… what, what –
ALEX
Sneak, that’s down by the S’s on the Stealth checks.
JAMES
Oh, yeah, sorry… minus 8.
[CACKLING]
LYDIA
Oh, God!
ALEX
Do your roll, take your medicine.
[DICE ROLLS]
JAMES
Seven, -1, is my Sneak roll.
ALEX
Excellent.
SASHA
No, you can’t feed rat like that.
ALEX (SHOPKEEPER)
Well obviously you can…
SASHA
That’s stupid.
ALEX
Crash!
The door sort of – you try and sneak through, like you’re being really careful, really adorably careful. However, as you sidle out, the shelves lean more, and more, as more of your breastplate sneaks out.
BEN
Can I make a Reflex save to stop it since I’m there sort of beckoning and…?
ALEX
Um – yeah, you know what, I’ll allow it. I’ll allow that. Go on.
[DICE ROLLS]
BEN
Ooh, no, six.
ALEX
You can try.
BEN
I will try!
ALEX
So what happens is basically you knock the shelves off, Zolf steps out to grab them, it falls on Zolf, covering him in this guy’s rats.
ALEX (SHOPKEEPER)
What – what are you doing in my stall?! What are you doing in my – (realizing) YOU.
ALEX
Just turns to look at Sasha.
LYDIA
Actually, I’ve already turned and gone round the corner.
ALEX
Nice. He turns to look at Sasha, she’s not there.
ALEX (SHOPKEEPER)
I – I’ll have you –
ALEX
He reaches down and starts trying to dual-wield rats.
JAMES
At this point, Pomp and Pageantry, with Intimidate.
ALEX
Roll it first.
JAMES
Okay.
[DICE ROLLS]
Nine Intimidate, plus one is 10. Oh, and the Charisma is the thing I’m rolling on with that… or is it?
BRYN
But it should already be included in your Intimidate score. Yeah, so the reason you have one for Intimidate is because your Charisma.
JAMES
Oh right, cool, so I have 11.
ALEX
Eleven.
[DICE ROLLS]
Roleplay it and you’ll see whether it worked.
JAMES
Right, so what was the last thing that you said?
ALEX
“I’ll have you” – and he sort of picked up these two rats.
BERTIE
Now, young man, are you absolutely sure –
ALEX (SHOPKEEPER)
“Young man”?! I’m twice your age, mate.
BERTIE
Very. Young. Man. Are you absolutely sure, you absolutely sure?
ALEX (SHOPKEEPER)
I’ve had bigger than you.
BERTIE
Really. If you cast your tiny mind back, have you, in all your long, depressing, tedious, tiny, irrelevant, common, poor-people years –
[ALEX STARTS CRYING WITH LAUGHTER]
Have you ever had anyone as big as me? Anyone as big… as my thigh? I’m willing to bet I could kill you by breathing on you a little bit harder than I already am.
JAMES
Leans right in.
BERTIE
Any closer. Any closer – if I breathed any harder, I’d mess your eardrums right up.
LYDIA
Are you sure this isn’t seduction?
[OUTBURST OF LAUGHTER]
BERTIE
(growling) This could be a seduction if you want it to go that badly.
ALEX
The guy just goes –
ALEX (SHOPKEEPER)
What do you want, right, I’ve got no money, I’ve got rats.
BEN
During this little altercation, I’m clambering out from underneath the shelves.
ZOLF
It was just a mistake! I just tripped.
BERTIE
Don’t mind us, just passing through, nothing to see here.
JAMES
Bertie just strolls out.
ALEX
It seems to have worked. The guy is glowering after you, but he doesn’t seem to have tried to beat you up with a rat or anything.
JAMES
Alright.
LYDIA
I’ve left because I have – oh gosh, no, I didn’t have any coins left.
ALEX
You’re right back into standard Sasha.
LYDIA
Yeah, standard Sasha. I have – maybe I’ve taken, I could take a coin from…
BRYN
Whilst all this has been going on, I’ve been starting to scout the other stalls.
LYDIA
Nice.
BRYN
Are they all food stalls here?
ALEX
Yeah. It is all wholesale food, rats, and there’s cabbage. A lot of the greens look kind of pale, and – you know what, Sasha would know this. If you want to tell him this, feel free, I’ll just update you though.
SASHA
Well, there’s strange sort of… eels – not fish – hanging down, things that obviously grow in sort of shallow pipes and low light.
HAMID
Where will we go to find our chemical supplies, that’s what we need to look for.
SASHA
Far away from here, maybe another level down? North London is good for our chemicals.
HAMID
Well, let’s head in that direction. It’s a long walk. The quicker we start, the quicker we’ll get there.
SASHA
Er, yeah. I mean, a lot of the thing is that people do this stuff under the table. You’re not going to get, like, because they don’t want to attract the police.
ZOLF
Well, you must know some people, right?
BEN
Whoa, what happened to my accent?
[SNICKERS]
ZOLF
(Ben tries again) You must know some people, right?
SASHA
I know some of the places people would go.
HAMID
Well, let’s just head there, then.
SASHA
Yeah, so like, let’s go to the North end, there might be some of the shopkeepers that can tell us things. My contacts aren’t people that you want to talk to, not – it’s not just for me I’m saying that.
ZOLF
That’s fine.
BERTIE
I don’t mind talking to people! I love talking to people. People are lovely.
ALEX
I’m going to say that you guys are starting to walk as the conversation carries on, basically. So, you know what, everyone give me a Perception check.
[DICE ROLLS]
BEN
Ooh, not terrible!
LYDIA
Wahey.
JAMES
I might even have the highest roll. I have 17 minus one which is 16, which for Bertie is…
ALEX
Well, everything is bright, new and shiny down here, by which I mean mucky, smelly and horrible. But it’s still new.
BEN
Eighteen.
BRYN
Ten.
LYDIA
Twenty-three.
ALEX
Shocker. In fairness, it makes sense that Sasha would be walking through a bazaar and knowing what she is seeing.
Yeah, so you start walking through. It becomes readily apparent that most of the stuff is grown down here. The stalls that you do see that are selling stuff that you would recognise – “you,” sorry, the Upper London gang would recognise – as, you know, proper produce is, like, clearly the best stalls. They are probably paying people to bring it down here and stuff like that.
Erm, you keep going through the market stalls, and eventually you work your way through the crowds.
SASHA
Guys, guys, you’ve got to try some salted eel. It is –
HAMID
I’m absolutely fine. I just think we should get on with what we came here to do.
SASHA
You sure? Zolf, you never tried salted, do they serve it on ships –
ZOLF
I have tried salted eel, actually, I’ve tried it from all over the world!
SASHA
Well, do you want to try some special Other London?
ZOLF
We do have a job to do, but tell you what, afterwards we’ll do a tour.
[BEAT]
SASHA
(mumbling) We’re going to be walking quite a long way.
[ALEX LAUGHS]
ZOLF
I had a big breakfast.
ALEX
You get to a, um, basically a doorway that is leading through to what looks like another bazaar, and there is a couple of well-muscled guys who are holding what look like clubs, effectively just a length of pipe and a length of wood. Just standing there. You, Sasha, recognise this as a standard toll. You ain’t going to be going from one room to another without paying at least a few copper.
LYDIA
Yeah.
SASHA
Guys, what we probably want to do as soon as possible, not even with the guards, is change one of your golds to something that people notice down here. A silver, a copper – like, no one uses gold down here.
HAMID
I’ve got some silvers and coppers.
SASHA
You’ve got silvers and coppers.
HAMID
Yeah.
SASHA
Alright, so as we go through they are going to ask you for a couple of coppers.
HAMID
Oh, that’s fine.
ALEX
Yeah, basically the two guards are just, you know, arms crossed, shoulder to shoulder.
HAMID
I’ll give them a silver for the four of us.
ALEX
They raise their eyebrows, give a bit of nod and just step aside, let you through.
SASHA
Next time, don’t do that, don’t pay – don’t be generous, generous gets talked about.
HAMID
Oh. Okay.
ALEX
Cool. You guys carry on heading through, and you seem to be heading through something that is closer to what you’d recognise as a more normal market – like, not specialised. So it’s, you know, clothing, food, basic items. You’re noticing that most of the stuff, like the real high-end shops here, look like charity shops.
[BEN SNORTS]
You’re in – it almost feels like those Victorian stations that you’ll get in England sometimes, with, like, metal trellis work and stuff. So it seems like this is a larger area rather than the sort of sewage-y bits that you were going through.
Erm, there’s remnants of buildings along the edges of it. It looks like you’re walking through a large square, but there are the crumbled-down remains of what looks like an old bank on the left-hand side, some kind of tailor.
LYDIA
How high are the ceilings?
ALEX
The ceiling is, you know, maybe 50 feet up, something like that. It’s a decent height. It’s clearly load-bearing, though, like it’s big iron girders and things.
The shops that are at the edges – some of them look like they are still in use and those are clearly the upmarket ones. By upmarket I mean Bertie could buy something that would feel like he’d bought it third-hand on top. And they are like, you know, they are clearly the upmarket – they have their own lighting, for instance, stuff like that.
Heading through you see a few kids are playing some kind of bat and ball game. Most of them are barefoot. The floors, in fairness, don’t seem to be terribly covered in, like, glass and stuff, but it’s most likely because of the amount of traffic. It’s really crowded, and there is this kind of mulchy underfoot, which is probably half, like, paper, rubbish, and just maybe this kind of urban mulch.
As you head through, though, Sasha, you notice a few kids start swarming around Bertie – just because he’s a guy in armour, you don’t see it often. They are kind of pawing at him a bit. Give me one more Perception roll?
[DICE ROLLS]
LYDIA
Oh, 5 plus 6, so 11.
ALEX
Eleven, yeah. One of them is reaching up and just trying to reach his pocket.
SASHA
Bertie! Bertie, Bertie. Just, er, pay some attention to –
JAMES
I pick up the child –
ALEX
Give me a Reflex save.
JAMES
Okay.
ALEX
It’s a small kid and they’re fast.
[DICE ROLLS]
JAMES
My Reflex – that’s five.
ALEX
The kid quickly plucks, let’s say one of your money belts. It would be stupid to keep everything in one, but nonetheless he sort of plucks a money pouch, sees Sasha looking. It’s a young boy –
LYDIA
I dive after him.
ALEX
Give us a Reflex save.
[DICE ROLLS]
LYDIA
What have I got?
JAMES
Fifteen.
LYDIA
Fifteen, plus five.
ALEX
Okay. The kid makes it away, but only just. Like, you’re sort of scraping the back of the thing and he starts darting off, running through the crowds towards a sort of more open area on the left-hand side. Looks like he’s making his way – er, in fairness it looks like he’s making his way to North, but he’s making his way through a door at that time and reaching into the pouch as he runs. He doesn’t look older than about ten.
On that, before you decide what you’re going to do, I’m going to take a brief break and we’ll get back to this in a couple of minutes!
LYDIA
Cool.
[AD BREAK]
ALEX
And welcome back. So! Sasha has just, just, by, like, centimetres, missed grabbing the orphan kid who’s tanking it off towards a door, basically, whilst running off with Bertie’s coin purse.
JAMES
I think I have been explicitly warned not to flash the cash around, and I’m dim, but not that dim, so I think –
BERTIE
(thinking) Ah, oh goodness, oh – (grumbles) what a young scallywag. Agh, that’s 20, 20, aaaargh! Right down the drain.
LYDIA
The little kid has already looked in the pouch, hasn’t he, so…
ALEX
Yeah. The kid was running, looked in it quickly, closed it, and accelerated very quickly when he saw what was in it.
LYDIA
Right. I think it’s more sensible to stick with the team because they are obviously hapless. So, I…
[ALEX LAUGHS]
BEN
(snickering) I resent that.
LYDIA
Some of the team are obviously hapless, so.
ALEX
Bertie is still surrounded by kids, by the way.
LYDIA
So I run back and I’m just like –
SASHA
Get off him! Get off him, get off Bertie. You can’t – no!
LYDIA
Just, like, push them away.
[ALEX MIMICS THE NOISES OF KIDS YELLING AND STUMBLING]
ALEX
They basically give you rude signs and stick their tongues out, and…
LYDIA
Yeah, I know, I know, I can read their signs.
[LAUGHTER]
Got Other London sign language down.
ALEX
Yeah, you do! But, yeah, they back off, they – all of these are clearly marks, they are not so much with you.
SASHA
Guys, you’ve got to be careful. Like – once he tells everyone how much was in there, like, that’s more than a lot of these shops are worth. (pause) They’ll be after you. Like…
ZOLF
Then let’s keep moving.
JAMES
Sorry, just out of character, would there be a way for me – because I’d like to conceal money now that I’ve had something stolen. I think even Bertie will even realise that maybe that much money…
ALEX
Sure. It would be as simple as literally taking it off your belt and hanging it, like, inside your cuirass. There’s a bit of space there, stuff like that.
JAMES
I do that, yeah.
ALEX
Yeah, that’s fine. That makes sense.
SASHA
Everyone, hide everything of value.
ALEX
Okay.
LYDIA
So we keep going North, I guess.
ALEX
Okay, yeah. You keep going North. You’re still heading in the same general direction as the kid who happened to run in the same way.
LYDIA
Mhm.
ALEX
Obviously, eventually you reach the edge of the bazaar into the empty space that the kids were playing ball, and they turn and look at these guys because honestly they are interesting. Nothing – they are not running over or anything, it is mostly just, “Hmmm! Look at that. Hmmm!” You make it to another door with a couple guys there who are asking for a bit of cash.
LYDIA
Er, are they still asking only for some coppers?
ALEX
These guys are only asking for some coppers. The kid slipped past them and it didn’t look like the kid, like, paid them or anything.
LYDIA
Right.
BRYN
I will hand them a few coppers.
LYDIA
Yep.
BEN
The appropriate amount of money changes hands!
ALEX
Sure, that’s fine. They don’t raise an eyebrow, and let you through.
LYDIA
Have I recognised anyone so far?
ALEX
You’ve not recognised any personal friends or anything like that.
LYDIA
Right.
ALEX
You have recognised a couple of the kids you’ve seen before, and certainly some of the stalls – they’ve been there a long time. Whether the kids have recognised you –
LYDIA
Yeah, standing with such obvious people.
ALEX
That would be Sense Motive. That would be Sense Motive – if you want to know, you can.
LYDIA
Can a Sense Motive work in sort of seeing if anyone has?
ALEX
Sense Motive is, it’s quite a broad one, it tends to come down to a GM discretion. What I tend to say is, the broader the scope of the Sense Motive, the less detail you’re going to get. If you’re in, like, an intense interrogation and use Sense Motive, that’s going to be a very different result because you’re reading, like, microfacial stuff. But if it’s a big group of kids, you’ll know… animosity, do they recognise you, big broad strokes.
LYDIA
Okay, so I’m going to do Sense Motive on the kids that are staring at us.
ALEX
Sure.
[DICE ROLLS]
LYDIA
Ooh. One. (snorts)
ALEX
One?
LYDIA
Yeah, natural one. I scream my motive!
[SNICKERS]
ALEX
You start trying to get a bead on them and then you see someone moving sort of amongst that group, and you get completely distracted, and for a brief moment you’re convinced that someone’s about to try and mug them, and then it’s like, “Ope, no, oh. No – agh,” and then the moment has passed and the kids are playing again, so.
LYDIA
Right. Okay, well, we keep heading, I guess.
ALEX
Sure.
LYDIA
I think I’m going in that rough direction.
ALEX
You start heading, you head in between sort of buildings and now you’re heading down – we’ll call them “streets” in inverted commas. Have you ever seen, like, photos of bombed-out buildings and things like that, like post-disaster stuff?
[AFFIRMING NOISES FROM PLAYERS]
It’s very much a case of, people just set up shop in what was left of the buildings and make do. So there’s lots of sort of, there’s corrugated iron across what used to be a hole that was caused by a flood and things like that. Lots of housing, it’s very, very dense. It’s not quite a slum, but it’s dark, all of the lighting is coming from inside – out of the buildings, there’s no ambient outdoor light, no one is doing street lamps or anything. It’s very much, you sort your own light out, and there’s so many people doing so that there’s enough to go by. So for Zolf, tch, no problem. For Hamid, you don’t have no light, so.
BRYN
I don’t get vision, no?
ALEX
You and Bertie, it’s quite dim.
LYDIA
I keep advising you to keep the…
ALEX
Yeah.
LYDIA
…falcon’s eye covered.
JAMES
Yeah.
ALEX
Yeah, that’s a bright light. So heading through there’s a few kids and stuff like that. You seem to be heading through a sort of residential district. You’re starting to draw near territories that you would have encountered, though, Sasha. Erm, like, the far, far edges of your old one.
LYDIA
I put on a disguise.
ALEX
Sure. Describe the disguise for me.
BEN
Oh, and where do you put it on?
LYDIA
Oh, yeah, so – good point. I duck behind – I say,
SASHA
Guys, just wait.
LYDIA
I assume since this is bombed-out buildings that whilst large spaces will have been taken over to be dwellings, there might be the odd kind of little architectural quirk where I can just dive behind, quite subtly.
ALEX
There is, there is. There’s like, there’s still a couple of – I mean, most of the rubble has been reappropriated, but you duck behind what looks like it was part of a wall or something that’s too stone and mortar to remove.
LYDIA
So I have dark hair, which is irritating. It’s not easy to change colour. Maybe I put some red through it, so it looks kind of like a sort of…
ALEX
I’m happy to say that you picked up a couple of dirt-cheap, like a couple-of-copper wigs when you went shopping.
[A FEW SNICKERS]
LYDIA
I don’t –
ALEX
More of a mop!
LYDIA
Something in there that helps me, kind of, like – so I put a hat on and there’s just a little fringe of, because I only had very short hair to start with, a thing of, like, red hair is peeking out from.
ALEX
Sure, I get you.
LYDIA
So that it at least looks like I’ve got that colour hair. And just a little bit of contouring to make my face look slightly different. I don’t really know how contouring works, so I’m gonna –
JAMES
You can add shadowing so that it makes your cheekbones more prominent. And it, er…
LYDIA
So I just look different.
ALEX
Sure.
LYDIA
Obviously it’s just a basic disguise kit, so…
ALEX
It’s a quick fix.
LYDIA
…someone that knows me really well in a chance encounter will still get it, but.
BEN
Well, we’ll find out.
ALEX
Give me the roll.
LYDIA
Yeah.
[DICE ROLLS]
Nine, plus – oh, I suppose Disguise so it’s three, so 12?
ALEX
Twelve? It’s solid.
LYDIA
Yeah.
ALEX
It’s enough to deter a casual glance but not much more. Presumably you re-join the group and carry on?
LYDIA
Yep.
BEN
I was going to say, while Lyd’s doing this I turn to you two and go –
ZOLF
So, gents, how are you enjoying Other London?
[BERTIE GRUMBLES]
HAMID
Well, let’s stick with, could be, er, getting on with things a bit quicker.
ZOLF
(pause) Fair enough. Not comfortable?
BERTIE
Don’t like it.
[A PROLONGED BEAT]
[ALEX STARTS LAUGHING]
ALEX
Is that all?
ZOLF
Excellent opinions from you both.
ALEX
Oh, Hamid’s not liking this. Hamid is not liking this. Okay, so you re-join them and presumably carry on. You make your way through the residential district and you start making your way in towards a significantly seedier district. And… can all of you give me Perception checks?
[DICE ROLLS]
JAMES
Five.
BRYN
24.
BEN
23.
LYDIA
21.
ALEX
Okay.
[LAUGHTER]
[JAMES GROANS]
ALEX
(encouragingly) Yeah, but you’ve got a big sword!
JAMES
That’s true, yeah.
ALEX
So, yeah, you head in, and all three of the people who have sight see that there’s a lot of barely-concealed underhanded stuff going on. As in, it’s very much, like, there is a shop that sells “tomatoes” and it has like a bucket of… “nominally tomatoes.”
BEN
Brackets: drugs!
ALEX
Except he keeps reaching in, lifting a tomato and handing something to someone and it’s not a tomato, and replacing the tomato he picked up.
BEN
It’s an orange!
ALEX
It’s nominally a market, and honestly for the two of you who aren’t from Other London – why would they bother? You know, it’s so blatant. But it’s very clear that Sasha has brought you to the right place. Hamid, you notice off at the edge of the market, the boy that nicked Bertie’s pouch is talking to someone in the shadows of sort of an alleyway between two remnants of a building.
BRYN
I cast Message, targeting Sasha, so I can whisper to her without even stepping next to her.
ALEX
Ahhhh. Clever.
LYDIA
Oh, he’s a smart one.
BRYN
And point it out.
ALEX
Describe casting Message, bearing in mind it has a vocal and somatic – I’ll allow it to be subtle. In fact, I think you can do a Concentration check to make it unobservable.
BRYN
Basically, it’s going to look like I’m muttering and sort of scratching at my face a bit, and, like, adjusting…
ALEX
Okay. Can you do me a favour and give me a Concentration check –
BRYN
Yep.
ALEX
Just because, like, you are trying to disguise it. So normally, to spell it out for listeners, when you’re casting a spell it’s big, it’s flashy, blah blah blah. You can take effort to minimise that with a Concentration check, but it’s not, it’s not making it silent or unnoticeable, it’s just passing it off.
[DICE ROLLS]
BRYN
Erm, I rolled a 12.
ALEX
Okay.
BRYN
On the Concentration check.
ALEX
That will be enough. It’s, you’re in a busy place and no one is really –
BRYN
Yeah. So I’ll point that out to Sasha.
ALEX
Do it in character, you may as well – it’s a Message.
HAMID
(whisper) Sasha. Over at our 2 o’clock, um, I think that’s the boy who stole Bertie’s pouch.
SASHA
(whisper) Ah. You’re right. Er –
LYDIA
Do I get to Message back?
ALEX
Yeah, yeah yeah. It’s like a whispered conversation…
BEN
Unrelated, because we’re getting to a seedy area, I’ll get the trident out ready – just have a readied weapon, basically.
ALEX
Mhm. A lot of people turn and look at the most unusual weapon that has been here in a while.
BEN
Yeah.
JAMES
I have no idea what’s going on. I think I’m in a greengrocer’s.
[LAUGHTER]
BEN
“I’ll have three bananas!”
JAMES
“Oh, yes. We have no bananas, we have no bananas.”
BEN
“Awwww.”
LYDIA
I sneak over to where the little boy is talking to the other guy, to get a better look at who he is talking to.
ALEX
Okay.
BEN
Do you just wander away from us?
LYDIA
I’ll say, I’ll tell him via Message –
SASHA
Keep them quiet. And – maybe try some – there’s a salted eel stall there, which is genuinely a salted eel stall? It’s not even drugs. So maybe try it. It’s very good.
ALEX
So, so basically it’s – “Hamid, you look after the kids, I’m going to go and have a look and then I’ll come back.”
SASHA
They’re really delicious!
LYDIA
– I say as I walk away.
BRYN
Yeah, I’ll just sort of go –
HAMID
Ooh, guys, do you think maybe we should just pause here for a second?
SASHA
Don’t pay more than two coppers!
HAMID
And think, you know, what we’re going to do next.
ALEX
And I’m going to cut across to Sasha while she sneaks. Give me the Sneak check.
[DICE ROLLS]
LYDIA
Nine plus, er, seven. 16.
ALEX
Okay, you are sneaking up. The kid doesn’t seem to notice you. You manage to get close enough – I say you’re, I say there’s, it’s a narrow alley between the two buildings. There’s sort of a column, uh, column…e?
JAMES
Colonnade?
ALEX
Column…
JAMES
If there’s a series of columns, then it’s a colonnade.
ALEX
Yeah! Colonnade, sure. You basically are hiding behind a column on a colonnade, and you’re able to –
LYDIA
Using my listening skills.
ALEX
Yeah. I’m not even going to give you a Perception, you managed to sneak close enough to just pick it up straight away. Right, looking around the column, they can’t see you. You can see the kid’s lips, but not…
LYDIA
Ayyyy!
ALEX
Yeahhhh!
LYDIA
But not his…
ALEX
…but not the person they’re talking to. And the kid is just going, I don’t even need to do the voice –
ALEX (KID)
Yeah, 20 gold. No – (snaps fingers) 18 gold.
[LAUGHTER]
ALEX (KID)
Definitely it was 18 gold. No, it’s the big guy in the middle, yeah. I reckon you can have him.
LYDIA
I’m within 110 feet of you, aren’t I?
ALEX
Definitely, definitely.
LYDIA
So I can say, like –
SASHA
(whisper) There’s a guy here planning to attack for more of Bertie’s gold. Er, get ready. I’m going to try and take him out before it comes to it, but I can’t guarantee.
HAMID
(whisper) Okay, we’ll be ready.
BRYN
And again I’ll just lean in a bit closer to you guys and be like –
HAMID
(quietly) Sasha thinks we might be attacked soon. Don’t – don’t do anything too obvious yet, but just, you know, be ready to respond –
BERTIE
I’m hungry, I want –
ZOLF
Salted eels? I’d love some! Let’s go and get some salted eels.
BERTIE
Urgh!
ALEX
The kid then heads down that alleyway. You see the pouch change hands and the kid kind of resist, but a larger, definitely an adult hand comes out, grabs it and plucks it away. And you see a guy step out and, Sasha, you recognise it as Ashen.
LYDIA
Yep.
ALEX
The guy is, he’s fairly, fairly lanky. He’s not well built. He’s got a few, a couple of scars on him – nothing particularly massive or anything, it looks more like he’s picked a few fights that he was too big for rather than anything else.
LYDIA
Mm.
ALEX
He is, however, fingering a dagger in one of his hands, and you can see that he is sort of looking out over the crowds and nodding to a couple of other people. I’m not even going to get you to do a Perception check – it’s obvious that he’s nodding to at least two, maybe three other people.
LYDIA
I tell, uh… I tell Hamid.
ALEX
Two of the people, to spell it out as well, have dogs.
LYDIA
Oh.
BEN
Hmmm! Animal violence.
ALEX
Like pitbull things.
BEN
Use your Handle Animal skill!
JAMES
I do, I have –
BRYN
While Zolf is buying an eel, I’m just going to be leaning against another column a bit further down this colonnade, and I’m going to – I’m just fiddling, but I’m just starting to load my crossbow and winch it back subtly…
ALEX
Sure, sure. No one is batting an eyelid that there’s a weapon here.
BRYN
Yeah, yeah yeah.
JAMES
Did we actually buy eels?
BEN
I am – I am buying eels.
JAMES
You are buying eels.
BEN
As a…
JAMES
Have I got eels?
BEN
You – I’ve given you an eel.
JAMES
Thank you.
ALEX
Bertie has got his priorities, that’s all.
JAMES
He wants eels. Well, I’m asking for mechanical reasons for the various tasks coming up, and one of the few things I am good at is Handle Animals, provided I can spot the animal…
[SNICKERING, CROSSTALK]
ALEX
If it’s a small animal and it’s a big crowd, not so much.
LYDIA
And identify that it is an animal!
JAMES
“Where’s this elephant? I don’t know, but I’m sure when we do meet we’ll get on famously. That’s –” Anyway, sorry.
ALEX
So Sasha, basically you see two guys with dogs and two other guys, in addition to the one who is sort of giving the nods, start closing in. The guy who has been giving the nods holds off until the others start closing a ring around everyone…
LYDIA
Yep.
ALEX
And then he joins suit. They are still very innocuous, sort of moving between the stalls. They are just caaaarefully positioning themselves so that they’ve got the group – unaware of you – surrounded.
LYDIA
I am going to sneak up behind Ashen and try and stab him. Non-fatally, if that’s a thing that I can do?
ALEX
Yeah, you can.
LYDIA
Although that does make it more difficult, doesn’t it?
ALEX
Here’s the thing…
LYDIA
He probably won’t die. Okay, so I try and stab him –
BRYN
You’re unlikely to kill him in one hit.
LYDIA
From the behind.
ALEX
There’s a bit of metagaming here. Technically I should go, “Yes, you have to do a non-lethal.” Honestly, metagaming is fine in some scenarios.
BEN
You’re also aware that there’s a cleric.
LYDIA
Yes. Yes, exactly.
ALEX
Like, there’s no way – unless you were to do, like, a crit roll, a hundred percent on everything, then maybe you could bring him down in one – but even then I don’t think you could kill him.
LYDIA
Okay, right, cool.
ALEX
So you sneak up.
LYDIA
Yep.
ALEX
Give me one final Sneak to position yourself for an attack.
[DICE ROLLS]
LYDIA
Ninetee… oh, no, 13, plus my Stealth, so…
[DICE ROLLS]
Twenty.
ALEX
Okay, he doesn’t see you approach.
[LYDIA CHEERS]
So presumably you’re, (mimicking dagger-winching) ch-ching.
LYDIA
Yeah, ch-ching.
ALEX
Okay.
BRYN
I just mutter to you guys –
HAMID
Reaaaadddyy.
BEN
Tighten my grip on my trident.
ALEX
Yeah. Also spelling out, by the way, this is totally how you play a rogue.
LYDIA
Yeah. Stab him in the back.
JAMES
I’ve been ready, so I’m now drawing my bastard sword, using Bertie’s idea of what subtly drawing your bastard sword is.
ALEX
Describe what Bertie’s idea of a subtle draw is?
JAMES
Going, “not drawing MY sword!”
[LAUGHTER]
Pulling it out massively and holding it quite high.
BRYN
I think Bertie probably knows that holding it high is obvious.
JAMES
Well, not high… not drawing my sword here.
BRYN
Just getting it mostly out of the scabbard.
JAMES
Just… not… here.
BRYN
Just checking it’s…
JAMES
Looking at this for, gosh, I have a lovely complexion.
ALEX
Right, so finally…
BEN
I was going to say as well, I’ve a trident in one hand but I’ve got my eels in the other, because it will become a combat manoeuvre, so.
ALEX
(laughs delightedly) Oh, there is one, actually, I’ll tell you about it after the episode.
JAMES
Are you going to command the loyalty of dead eels?
[LAUGHTER]
BEN
“Fight for me!”
JAMES
“Rah, to the best of your ability, rahhhh.”
ALEX
So you’ve fought long and hard for this. Make your full attack, two-weapon, sneak attack. Roll your 2D20. Which is one for – which is left hand and which is right hand, it matters.
LYDIA
Okay, my black is…
ALEX
Which – is your character left- or right-handed, out of curiosity?
LYDIA
She’s right-handed.
ALEX
Okay, cool.
LYDIA
Okay, so, uh…
BRYN
Does it matter?
ALEX
Well, main and off hand, it’s a good habit, really. I don’t believe –
BRYN
Because of her feats?
ALEX
Sure. It’s a fair point, like, mechanically it won’t make a difference, but I really want people to get in the habit of saying whether they are using their on hand or their off hand, because on hand is your dominant one. If you do things with your off hand, then it’s explicitly stating, you know, “I’m hitting someone with my shield and I don’t have abilities.” You have to take penalties. So I really want people to separate it.
LYDIA
I have specifically worked to be a dual-wielding fighter.
BRYN
Yes.
ALEX
You’re fine, you’re fine. I’m just setting a precedent.
LYDIA
So black is right and white is left, in this case
ALEX
Yeah.
[DICE ROLLS]
LYDIA
17 on one and five on the other.
ALEX
Okay, so what’s your attack bonus?
LYDIA
It is… nought.
BEN
No, no, it’s on there.
ALEX
Including the dagger, it’s one.
LYDIA
One.
ALEX
And the crit range of a dagger won’t include the 17, sadly. You get one hit, though, so you roll the damage for that one hit, which is a D4 and a D6. Plus you get your Dirty Fighter of a minimum of one.
LYDIA
So one plus four, five, six.
BRYN
Well, no, because you got -1 Strength as well, which effectively cancels out the Dirty Fighter bonus.
LYDIA
Okay, so 5.
ALEX
Yeah, that’s the one.
LYDIA
Aw.
ALEX
Honestly, it’s solid. The thing is when it comes to playing a rogue, you scale up on the damage really hard compared to everyone else. For Bryn’s Magic Missile, by level 20 it’s going to do about, like, twice as much, maybe?
BRYN
It’s 5D4.
ALEX
Yours is kind of – it’s almost a logarithmic, like, it scales up really hard.
LYDIA
(mock-in-denial, quavery) You don’t need to, it’s fine, I’m fine, I don’t, I’m not disappointed.
ALEX
I just don’t want you down on rogues, rogues are my favourite! Okay, so you do your five damage.
ALEX (ASHEN)
Agh!
ALEX
He sees you, but – he turns around, sees you, and we’ll begin combat.
BRYN
Roll for initiative!
ALEX
No, we’re going to break there –
[GROUP GROANING]
ALEX
And then we’ll carry on again next week! Cool, well, that was a fun one.
LYDIA
Yayyyy!
ALEX
Good to see Sasha in her element, even if she hates her element. But yeah!
LYDIA
Good to see Bertie out of his element.
JAMES
My element is gold!
[LAUGHTER]
ALEX
Well, thanks for listening as always, and we hope you have a good week. And we’ll see you again next week, so… goodbye, I suppose.
EVERYONE
Bye!
[SHOW THEME – OUTRO]
ALEX
Rusty Quill Gaming is a podcast distributed by rustyquill.com and licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution Non-Commercial International License. Today’s episode was recorded and produced by Alexander J Newall. To comment on episodes, make donations, and view links, images, videos and show notes, visit rustyquill.com. Rate and review us on iTunes, visit us on Facebook, tweet us on Twitter @therustyquill, or email us at mail@rustyquill.com. Thanks for listening.
ALEX
We’re recording.
JAMES
You don’t want to test me, then?
ALEX
Uh, I – your waveforms are rather obvious, James.
[SNICKERING]
JAMES
Okay.
LYDIA
Ooh. He’s been lookin’ at your waveforms!
[BACKGROUND OOHS FROM OTHERS]
JAMES
“Waveforms are rather obvious…”
LYDIA
Quite a waveform you’ve got going on there.
BEN
Disgusting, walking around with your waveform hanging out!
JAMES
Just the way I’m sittin’.