[Show Theme - Intro]
ALEX
Hello and welcome to episode 7 of the Rusty Quill Gaming podcast! My name’s Alex Newall, your host and GM, and with me as always I have:
JAMES
James Ross.
BRYN
Bryn Monroe.
BEN
Ben Meredith.
LYDIA
Lydia Nicholas.
ALEX
And quickly, what characters are you playing?
LYDIA
I play Sasha Racket, who is an antiques appraiser, who loves stabbing.
BEN
Zolf Smith – short, stumpy… no! Short, stumpy, grumpy – I meant to say… I went with stumpy instead of grumpy – Cleric. There you go!
BRYN
I play Hamid Saleh Haroun al-Tahan, the sorcerer who is less charming than I had originally intended.
[SOFT SNICKERING]
JAMES
I am Sir Bertrand “Bertie” MacGuffingham, who is what a silver spoon would look like, if it were a man!
[PLAYERS CACKLE]
ALEX
So true. And before…
BRYN
Landlord of the Winking Falcon.
[MORE LAUGHTER]
JAMES
Best euphemism ever!
ALEX
Before we start this session, I think it’s worth mentioning, I should have mentioned this last week actually… we’re now recording, and we’ve already launched! So there’s already people listening, and it’s going well. So, just as a heads up, thanks for everyone who’s already listening, thanks for –
BRYN
Yayyyy!
LYDIA
Thank you. We love you.
JAMES
Thank you.
BEN
Yes, thanks.
LYDIA
You specifically.
ALEX
Yes, you. You.
JAMES
Yeah, you, the one we’re talking to now. Everyone else, they suck. You, however, are great.
LYDIA
You’re amazing.
JAMES
You’re the best one!
BEN
I really like your hair.
LYDIA
You should believe in yourself more.
JAMES
You – you – you’ve been working out lately… I can tell!
LYDIA
Nice hat!
JAMES
Yeah!
ALEX
But one extra thing to add to that is…
JAMES
If you’re not wearing a hat, (thoughtful) maybe you should try a hat?
[ALEX STARTS CACKLING]
I think you’d look pretty good in a hat! That’s not saying anything about your hair, genuinely, I think it would suit you very well…
ALEX
James, I think the audience are suitably appreciated.
BEN
This is a new podcast, A Conversation with James Ross!
JAMES
I’ve got a very soothing voice, okay?
LYDIA
No, he’s using Pomp and Pageantry on the audience… that’s what he’s doing.
JAMES
Will I get a plus 1 to, like, “Podcast Success”?
ALEX
But, anyway…
LYDIA
Knowing our roles in the last round!
ALEX
We will be giving a shout-out to every single person, who gives us a written review on the first 8 weeks, as just a bit of a thank you, cause that’s when it’s most important to us!
Anyway, plugging aside, that’s always the boring bit… what was the thing that happened last week? Well, you guys started investigating, and you came upon the tailor’s shop, where the – let’s call them the bombers – where the bombers appear to have come through, you then seemed to have made your way past a cave-in that they originally did to dodge Sasha when she was chasing them the first time, and have discovered on the far side of it… an open manhole.
So, the last thing that’s happened… Sasha has just seen the open manhole… let’s pick up from there.
SASHA
Like – guys, is there anyone? G-guys? Guys.
JAMES
Bertie just takes one step and goes about 10 feet down straight.
[ALEX MAKES A TWANGING CRASH SOUND]
BERTIE
Hello!
BEN
Do we hear the crash… cause we sort of…?
ALEX
Oh yeah! Oh yeah.
BERTIE
Pop down here, chaps!
SASHA
You’ll need to go, like, up and then… along, and then down is a hole.
ALEX
You can hear her voice muffled coming from the far side of the cave.
ZOLF
Oh! Oh –
SASHA
There’s a hole, guys, we don’t need to dig.
HAMID
Just give me one more minute, I’ll be right there.
BRYN
I just finish up the notes that I was taking.
ALEX
Yeah, you’re still sort of tracing the path…
BEN
While he’s doing that I’ll climb up the hole and…
BRYN
I’m still faster than Zolf!
[BEN SIGHS EXAGGERATEDLY]
Despite my stumpy little legs!
BEN
Yes, well, I’m still quite short. Not as short as you, no.
ALEX
Okay, where are you heading, Zolf?
BEN
Up into the tailor shop, in the cupboard hole… very obvious.
ALEX
The cupboard is open, and up to the cupboard everything’s fine, and the second that the cupboard – like you look into the cupboard, there’s just a hole.
SASHA
There’s a cupboard hole! You wanna come down here.
BERTIE
Down the hole, chaps!
SASHA
Through, like, the hole and stuff.
BERTIE
Through the hole… down the hole.
SASHA
Down the hole.
BERTIE
Hole!
BEN
I look down the hole.
ALEX
You see a big shining silver spoon of a man.
JAMES
Waving!
ALEX
At the bottom of a cave, there is a hole.
ZOLF
(Ben laughing) Bertie, get out the way or I’m gonna jump on you.
JAMES
Will that hurt me?
ALEX
No, it’s just inconvenient for everyone involved!
[ALEX AND BEN START CACKLING]
BEN
Unless you wanna catch me?
JAMES
Iiii… I’m gonna try catching him… why not, why not. It’s a team building exercise, it’s a trust exercise, that’s what it is. This new mercenary company – it’s better than going out paintballing, come on! I’m gonna catch him.
BEN
Alright.
ZOLF
Well, if you’re sure?
LYDIA
What would you need to roll?
BEN
Pop.
ALEX
Okay, give me a Reflex save.
JAMES
(laughing in pain) Aw, my Reflex save… What do I need to roll for that?
ALEX
Roll a D20.
[DICE ROLLS]
JAMES
Twenty!
ALEX
Oh! Well, uh…
[JAMES ROARS IN VICTORY]
[LAUGHTER]
ALEX
Well, what I was going to say is… you then add your Reflex save which is up on the left hand side –
JAMES
One?
ALEX
Which is small, but you’ve got a natural 20… so, yeah.
Describe how you catch a falling stumpy dwarf?
JAMES
I catch him…
BEN
Who has a trident strapped to his back.
ALEX
A full-sized trident.
JAMES
I catch Zolf the falling dwarf, on a single upturned finger. And it connects… the balance is absolutely perfect… on your peg leg, and I hold him like that, like you’re a twirling ballerina in a music box.
[PERFECTLY DELICATE MUSIC NOTES OUTSIDE]
[EVERYONE LOSES IT]
BEN
Is that my tune? Oh, is that my tune?
ALEX
(howling) Who arranged that?
JAMES
That is the perfect 20… and the noise.
BEN
(gasping through laughter) So, to be very specific, that was an ice-cream truck going outside the window, that’s not an additional post-production noise.
ALEX
(still high-pitched) Ice cream should not be a major problem when podcasting! Every time.
JAMES
(as Bertie) We’ve decided to give up mercenary work and form a touring ballet company.
BEN
I was gonna say, it might be a good back-up plan.
JAMES
Yeah.
BRYN
(flat) I jump down the hole.
ALEX
Yeah, you land, it’s fine. The only one who’d have to make an Acrobatics check then, is Zolf. Because, you know… Zolf.
BEN
(grimly delighted) I get a minus 4.
LYDIA
I was gonna check for traps around the manhole?
ALEX
Mm!
BEN
(fake-angry) Look at you doing stuff that’s sensible and relevant to the plot!
BRYN
M-maybe I missed the description, what is down this hole?
ALEX
So, currently down here, it’s a small… at first it looks like a cellar, closer inspection it looks like just a continuation of the building that you’re in at the moment, but maybe more of a service tunnel or something. It doesn’t look like it’s meant to have regular use. Featureless, almost a corridor really.
BRYN
So, there’s still a pile of rubble…
ALEX
There’s a pile of rubble behind, and then, at the other end, there is an open manhole with the cover pulled across to one side.
BRYN
Going down or up?
ALEX
Going down.
BRYN
Going down. Right. Check for traps…
LYDIA
Yeah, I wanna do that. So that’s Disable Device?
ALEX
No. What you do, is you do a Perception check, to find the traps, and then a Disable Device, if you find them, to stop them going off in your face.
LYDIA
What I’m going to need to do in order to differentiate my voice from… Sasha’s one, is just speak incredibly poshly when it’s me. Okay, we’ll try this experiment –
BEN
(exaggerated enunciation) This is my out of character voice!
ALEX
(exaggerated enunciation) This is how we all speak! I don’t know what you’re drawing attention to.
[DICE ROLLS]
LYDIA
Oh, that’s fine. Okay. (still incredibly poshly) So, I’ve got an 11, which…
BEN
We’re now roleplaying with the Queen.
LYDIA
Guess it’s added to 6… 17.
ALEX
17, okay. So, yeah, you head up… presumably you’re checking the manhole?
LYDIA
Yeah.
ALEX
To spell out actually, technically in Pathfinder – if you’re in a room and you want to do a complete sweep of the room, you have to do a check for something like… every 5 feet? So normally, it’s w – it’s silly. It’s… I don’t think you can do…
JAMES
We’ve all got lives to lead. Come on.
[SNICKERS]
ALEX
Bryn –
LYDIA
You might actually fall into a trap!
JAMES
That’s true.
ALEX
Bryn, you may want to double-check that, but as far as I’m aware it takes an enormous amount of searches normally? It’s a salient point, yeah.
LYDIA
I’m just looking at the manhole.
ALEX
Yeah, that’s fine. So, heading there, you head over, you do your sort of… actually, describe it. Describe it.
LYDIA
So, I flow over there… like ball bearings, that have fallen out of a blown-up ball bearing factory that was built on a slight slope.
[SPUTTERS OF LAUGHTER]
ALEX
Okay!
LYDIA
And like the very faint… kind of… rattling of all of the balls flowing down, are my fingers, very delicately touching the floor, and trying out all of the different permutations of weight. And… tension, which there might be strings or buttons, or… whatever traps are made of this in this steampunk… golem-y world.
ALEX
Okay. Well, yeah, having the tap-around and so on, you find that there is a trap.
[LYDIA GASPS DRAMATICALLY]
It looks like there is something rigged to the underside of the manhole. It looks to have, effectively just a tripwire running – a very, very thin tripwire, running right across the main hole, and, yeah, you’ve discerned that it’s there.
LYDIA
So, is now the time to rock out my Disable Device?
ALEX
Yes it is.
[DICE ROLLS]
LYDIA
Okay, so that’s 14 plus 7… 21.
ALEX
21? Yep. You manage to effectively reach down, and having a look underneath without disturbing the tripwire, you see there appears to be some kind of device strapped to the underside of this – rigged to the tripwire. Very carefully, you hold the tripwire at the end where it would pull out. Snip it, tie it off, and can reach in and remove the device wholesale.
LYDIA
Ooh! What is this device? Can I appraise it?
[CHUCKLES FROM PLAYERS]
I do like appraising, it’s a skill I haven’t managed to use much so far.
ALEX
Using the Disable Device, you already know what it’s effectively for.
LYDIA
Aw.
ALEX
It looks like it is another thunderstone –
LYDIA
Ah!
ALEX
That has been rigged to the tripwire, along with a very – sort of compact version, but still another one of those oil flasks. So it looked like it was gonna deafen and burn anyone who tried to climb down.
BEN
(grim) Sounds like a barrel of laughs.
LYDIA
Aren’t you guys grateful that I wasn’t spinning on a finger?
BEN
Got to amuse ourselves where you actually do… good things.
LYDIA
I pocket both things.
[ALEX LAUGHS]
ALEX
Cool. I’ll add them to your inventory.
LYDIA
Not necessarily telling them.
ALEX
Okay. So, yeah, you pocket the trap components, we’ll call them.
LYDIA
So that was a…
JAMES
Thunderstone.
ALEX
An oil flask, and a thunderstone.
LYDIA
Cool. Bryn, did you get the other ones? The vials and everything?
BRYN
Yes, so I got a thunderstone and… I’ll call them fire flasks, and I’ve got two of those.
ALEX
Call them oil flasks. Think of it as a Molotov that’s primed and ready to go. That’s effectively what they are.
The reason I clarify that actually, for listeners, is, there’s something in Pathfinder called Alchemist’s Fire, which… if these are Molotov cocktails, it’s a bottle of napalm?
BEN
Yeah, Alchemist’s Fire is griiiim.
ALEX
It’s significantly stronger, more potent, and a bad day for anyone. It’s one of those items that you’ll… you’ll want to pick up along the way at some point. It’s a good way of – “someone’s chasing us, I drop this in the building, the building’s now on fire, problem solved.” Like, it’s kind of a staple for an adventurer’s kit. Same as an acid flask, good for getting through locks and things like that.
So, anyway, yeah, you’ve disabled the device.
SASHA
There was a trap, guys… yes, now there isn’t.
ZOLF
Well done, thank you.
SASHA
Yep. Cool.
BERTIE
Very well done.
SASHA
Who, do you want me to go… like, you’ll want me to go down, won’t you?
BERTIE
(grandly) Ladies first, a-after you.
SASHA
Okay. Right.
LYDIA
So. I flow, like…
[SNICKERING]
ALEX
(laughing) We’ll say you head down the manhole cover, there’s limited episode times.
LYDIA
Yeah, okay… right, I go down the manhole, super sneaky-like, and look around.
ALEX
Yeah, heading down the ladder, it’s a little bit damp, a little bit slick.
[SFX: FLOWING WATER]
Heading down, you’re clearly heading into a sewer!
LYDIA
Nice.
ALEX
The smell isn’t as bad as you’d expect, but it’s hardly flowers. Getting down, you drop onto… you know you can have those side – sort of walkways, beside – it’s very narrow. Bertie’s gonna have a tough time unless he wants to wade through… rivers of poo. But that said, like I said, it’s very well maintained.
LYDIA
Ooh!
ALEX
It’s very, very… like it’s tiled. It’s clearly had a lot of work.
JAMES
Is it suspiciously well maintained, or is it just…?
ALEX
It is as well maintained as you have grown accustomed to in upper London, and the fact that its sanitation services are equally well maintained is nothing less than you would expect.
JAMES
Right, okay. No less than I, my character would… (struggling) because he’s like not expecting…
ALEX
Oh, you mean in real life, yeah, it’s a clean sewer! How are there clean sewers?!
JAMES
Right. So, it’s weird that it’s a clean sewer –
ALEX
Yeah. I mean there is…
JAMES
– but my character would not know that.
ALEX
No, not at all.
JAMES
Okay, cool… fine.
ALEX
There is, like I said, sewers running through.
LYDIA
I, having a significant amount of experience in these kind of places –
ALEX
Oh, it’s ridiculous.
LYDIA
T-this is bizarre.
ALEX
This is ridiculous. Someone’s wasting an enormous amount of time… keeping something that’s designed to channel poo, clean.
LYDIA
Okay!
ALEX
This is busywork of the most obvious nature.
LYDIA
Right. From what we know about their working standards, then, whoever these people are, I… do I hear anything? I assume this is a tube with… am I at the end of a corridor or is it stretching…
ALEX
You are right in the middle, it stretches off behind you, up ahead… up ahead there’s a T-junction, and it looks like a small little waterfall, basically. That’s a nice way of putting it. Give me a Perception check.
[DICE ROLLS]
LYDIA
Ooh. 8 plus… 6. 14.
ALEX
Fourteen? You hear the sound of significant volumes of liquid moving through a tunnel.
[LYDIA CHUCKLES]
BRYN
Can we all make Perception checks?
ALEX
Currently, she’s the only one down there.
JAMES
I think it’s subsequently that my character is the next one down, so I…
LYDIA
When I realise, you’re about to come down, I… move a significant distance away, out of the splash range.
JAMES
Okay. Er – My character clambers down…
ALEX
You attempt to clamber down, wearing full plate armour…
JAMES
Yep! Acrobatics… is Acrobatics what I test in?
ALEX
You’re just not gonna fit whilst wearing the armour.
JAMES
Oh.
ALEX
You can take it off, take it down in pieces, then put it back on. You are not gonna fit through the manhole wearing full plate amour. You just don’t have the mobility for it.
JAMES
I’m gonna do that. I’m gonna take it all off, clamber down, and then put it all back on again.
ALEX
Sure. It’s – (laughing) it’s a long and arduous process.
ZOLF
Yeah, I’ll give you a hand.
BEN
Gives him a hand.
HAMID
I’m gonna move ahead and scout with you… if that’s okay?
SASHA
Yeah!
HAMID
I won’t… I’ll let you take the lead, but.
SASHA
Okay, so we’ll go up to the T-junction first, because I suspect that… how sneaky are you? To be down with it… yeah?
HAMID
Well – I’m hard to notice.
SASHA
Alright, so let’s go the noisy way.
LYDIA
So, we go up to the waterfall.
BEN
Quickly flash-cut back to Zolf and Bertie…
ZOLF
(struggling) Get this strap off…
BEN
Clonk!
JAMES
We have a beautiful moment where our eyes meet.
[BEN CHUCKLES]
And then cut back.
[LAUGHTER]
BEN
No, I meet eyes with your falcon helmet.
JAMES
Oh, right!
[MORE LAUGHTER]
ALEX
And it winks.
BEN
(as Zolf) Are you flirting with me?
BRYN
I’m gonna listen out for additional sounds.
[DICE ROLLS]
Sixteen plus 6 is 22!
ALEX
Much the same I’m afraid. You get obviously loud echoing clangs and bangs and stuff, actually the acoustics in there seem… because it’s tiled and actually quite clean, given that it’s a sewer. It sounds like if there was anyone nearby or anything to pick up, you’d probably be hearing an echo of it?
LYDIA
They know that there’s two guys or an army down there by the… by the manhole, but like, they don’t know about us, so we’ll still keep it down. We look around the T-junction.
ALEX
So, getting to the T-junction, you appear to be… maybe 15 foot up. There’s stairs… now on either side of the tunnel that you’re in that lead down into a large – it looks like a drainage pool. It’s like a big conical pool, things are pouring down a waterfall, straight into a large pool effectively, which seems to be draining vertically downwards. There is a path on the other side, there are stairs that lead down.
LYDIA
Ohhhh, okay.
ALEX
On either side of that sort of walkway, that’s on you at the moment, down to a lower level.
LYDIA
I see, so that’s where there’s a waterfall?
ALEX
The actual sewage falls down, into a large sort of plunge pool, and that seems to be draining vertically downwards. So, the left and the right are both tunnels devoid of sewage. They appear to be service tunnels or something!
JAMES
That is, okay… good, from my character’s point of view. Okay, in that case, sorry, with that in mind, I realize that we’ve just gone through the whole process of putting on the armour. Basically, I don’t wanna have to end up taking an Acrobatics check to avoid falling in… what is actually quite a short river of water. Am I right in doing the getting changed bit once we’ve got them there?
ALEX
Sure, sure. You’ve taken the armour off, you can carry it, you have ways of strapping it to yourself and wearing it, effectively, but not as clothing.
JAMES
Carrying it, not wearing it… yeah, cool. Okay we’ll do that, and then at this point here I will get re-robed.
BRYN
Should we scout down this way, a bit further?
ALEX
Which way?
BRYN
The left fork?
LYDIA
Yes.
ALEX
Okay, let’s skip a bit of time so that Bertie’s now down by the plunge pool with Zolf, Bertie’s currently not wearing his armour, could be putting it on if he chooses.
JAMES
I am putting it on… that is what I am now doing.
ALEX
So yeah, exploring the left-hand side?
LYDIA
Sounds good.
ALEX
Uh-huh. You lead on for a while, it’s a service tunnel, it takes a single right turn… do you poke your head round the corner, presumably?
LYDIA
I… listen.
[BEAT]
ALEX
Give me another Perception check.
[DICE ROLLS]
LYDIA
Seven plus 6… so 13.
BRYN
Three, to 9.
ALEX
It sounds like there’s flowing water behind you.
LYDIA
I look round the corner. Yep, I look round the… no wait, I look round the corner –
[LYDIA MUTTERS TO HERSELF FOR A SECOND]
Sasha looks round the corner.
[SNICKERS]
ALEX
Okay, looking round the corner… you come up… immediately to a ladder that leads vertically upwards to a manhole that’s closed. And there is a little bit of light shining through holes in it, and occasionally it goes dark, then light again, then a bit dark, then light again.
SASHA
It looks like a street up there.
HAMID
Yeah. Shall we check the other… direction?
SASHA
Yeah.
BEN
Slam cut.
ZOLF
And there we go! All done.
BERTIE
Thank you, my good man.
ALEX
Yeah, as Hamid and Sasha come up walking next to you.
[LAUGHTER]
BERTIE
Hello!
HAMID
J-just wait here a minute, we’re gonna check the other direction.
ZOLF
What did you see down there, what’s –?
HAMID
Nothing, basically.
SASHA
It turns round a corner, and then there’s like a manhole… like I thought, so, um…
ZOLF
Just an exit maybe?
[GENERAL AGREEING NOISES]
SASHA
There’s people walking by. They might have escaped that way, but we wouldn’t find them that way.
ZOLF
Unlikely they’ll go through a street with a Simulacrum.
SASHA
Ah. That’s true, (mumbled) that’s why you’re the brains.
ZOLF
I’m not.
[SNORTS]
HAMID
How’d they gonna get the Simulacrum through the manhole that you couldn’t even fit through, Bertie?
BEN
With the Simulacrum, was it tall or…?
ALEX
It was 10 foot tall.
BEN
But was it very wide?
ALEX
Yeah. He was broad with it.
JAMES
How wide… as in he would have…?
ALEX
As in, it looked like a large well-built humanoid… genderless, for – mechanically, of the Large category. So, ten –
BRYN
So, twice the scale of a…
ALEX
Yes! Just think of a normal person, times 2.
ZOLF
Given that insight… that’s a very good point. Do you think this is a decoy?
HAMID
Could they have dismantled it?
ZOLF
Or they didn’t go down this manhole, and it’s just here to trick somebody chasing them, so they’re wasting all their time sloshing around in some poo.
SASHA
Well, what else was there? Where else could they have gone? You know we went…
BEN
Was the room a dead-end apart from the manhole?
ALEX
Er… Yeah.
BEN
Oh.
ALEX
The one that you first came down, yeah.
BEN
Hm.
SASHA
I saw the guys… come to think of it, right, so I didn’t see the Simulacrum with them… I assumed he’d gone first, like we all did – didn’t we? So maybe, they just ran off… maybe he went out the building when we were all knocked out?
[BEAT]
I dunno, I’m not really good at thinking.
BERTIE
Perhaps he was the decoy?
SASHA
…Simulacrum?
BERTIE
No, no, the other chap.
SASHA
Oh.
BERTIE
The one you were following.
ZOLF
Mm.
SASHA
Right, yeah, there were two of them though.
BERTIE
Mm.
HAMID
There’s so many possibilities, we’ll tie ourself in knots if we imagine them all. Let’s just see what we can find out and we’ll reconsider the question later.
BERTIE
Have we tried the other part?
HAMID
Let’s do that quickly.
ALEX
Okay. So, you head down the other path, again there’s another… turn, 90 degree left-hand turn this time.
LYDIA
Okay, yep, right. I peek round the edge, I’ve lost my caution.
ALEX
Peeking round, you see a large door, that has a… it seems to have some kind of bolting mechanism. It’s ajar, and it looks like there has been… the bolts are torn, either they’ve been blown off, or something similar. Sheared, at the very least.
HAMID
So much more likely they came this way.
SASHA
Right, yeah. But then, how would they have got here if they didn’t come through the manhole? Unless… no, you said it was dismantled, that would make sense.
HAMID
They could dismantle it, you can store it in a portable hole, or something like that? If you had a big enough one? I mean there are ways to do it, it’s just…
ZOLF
These people prepared.
HAMID
…Difficult.
ZOLF
No, they knew what they were doing.
HAMID
They did.
ZOLF
This has been planned for a long time. We might… well, obviously we’re gonna have to be careful, but – extra caution they might be waiting for us?
SASHA
Right. So… you say that the door is…
HAMID
They trapped that manhole, do you want see if they’ve trapped this door as well?
SASHA
Yeah. But I’d go up to the door…
ALEX
Bertie, give me a Perception check.
[DICE ROLLS]
JAMES
Sixteen minus 1… 15.
ALEX
And Zolf?
[DICE ROLLS]
BEN
Ough. Uh, 3.
ALEX
Bertie, you see something of an unusual shape in the plunge pool. Just for a moment, something solid seems to sort of… poke out and then shift and then disappear into the muck again.
JAMES
Um…
[BERTIE MAKES A DISGUSTED NOISE]
ZOLF
What.
HAMID(?)
Ewww.
JAMES
At this point I take out my bastard sword and I just poke it into the pool.
ZOLF
What you doing?
ALEX
There’s a clang of metal, as you connect. Like a clink, clank. You can shift something…
JAMES
Is the object moving, that I’m…
ALEX
It’s moving when you poke it, it is not moving independent of your poking it.
JAMES
Right, okay.
ALEX
Beyond the currents of the water.
ZOLF
What on… earth is that?
BERTIE
I think I might have solved the mystery here!
JAMES
At this point, I am wearing my armour at this point aren’t I? How waterproof is my armour?
ALEX
Not.
JAMES
At all?
ALEX
No.
JAMES
Even slightly.
ALEX
It’s armour.
BRYN
Also it would cause you to sink.
JAMES
Oh, I’m not planning on diving in.
[LAUGHTER]
That’s. Noooo.
ALEX
I’m gonna get you in it! I’m gonna get you in it at some point.
JAMES
I’m at minus 6 penalty to Swim. I am not gonna have my character die in a pool of sewage –
[ALEX CACKLES]
In the… sixth episode?
ALEX
Seventh.
JAMES
Seventh episode. So, at this point… what sort of check will I need to do, if any, to… basically thrust my hands into the pool and pull out whatever metal’s in there?
ALEX
You wouldn’t be able to reach it from where you are.
JAMES
Oh, right, okay.
ALEX
You could, I suppose you could lower yourself in, hold on to the side with one hand and reach out with the other to grab it?
ZOLF
Do you want me to get that for you?
[PLAYERS SNORT]
BERTIE
If you wouldn’t mind awfully.
ZOLF
Alright then.
BEN
Make a Stepping Stone!
ALEX
Do you have the spell left?
BEN
I do! It’s… I get seven uses a day and I’ve used it once.
ALEX
Oh of course! It’s your… it’s your… is it a Cleric special ability? Where was it from?
BEN
Yeah, yeah, it’s from my Islands domain.
ALEX
That’s the one, it’s your domain.
BRYN
It’s actually an SLA… not a spell.
BEN
Oh yes, it is a spell… spell-like ability… sorry.
ALEX
So to spell out quickly for listeners, there was a lot of jargon there. As a Cleric –
BRYN
Sorry.
ALEX
No, it’s alright. As a Cleric he will pick a domain, so it’s sort of like a specialty for the things that he’s best at. So, you could have a water domain, a fire domain, there’s the luck domain, it’s just… the things that you kind of specialise in getting blessings with… things like that. And a spell-like ability is, it is not a spell, he does not have to, sort of stand there and cast it and all of that jazz, it is an implicit ability that he has. It makes a big difference mechanically because some things will only affect spell-like abilities, and things like that.
BRYN
Yeah, and often with spell-like abilities you get to use them more times a day.
ALEX
Yeah. Yeah. Although it’s rare to get a very strong spell-like ability as a character. It’s more about utility, I suppose, than power.
JAMES
Well, at this point I clamber on to the disk.
ZOLF
Hold up, hold up, hold up. Not in that armour you’re not. You go in there, you might drown. I’ll get it.
BEN
And I’ll just take off my… just, chained shirt.
ALEX
Yeah, yeah.
BEN
And I’m just in my clothes.
ALEX
Just over your head, whoop, done.
BEN
Yeah, exactly.
LYDIA
There’s another moment?
[LAUGHTER]
JAMES
(dramatically) Our eyes lock…
[MORE LAUGHTER]
Carry on.
BEN
Climb onto the disk, basically sit down and… just kind of push myself off from the edge.
ALEX
Yeah, yeah, it’s quite easy and this is fine over liquid, isn’t it? You’ve gone over before?
BEN
Yeah, yeah, it hovers… I think it’s a foot above ground and liquid… but it doesn’t levitate, as I found out. Yeah, so push myself off, get on my belly… plunge my hands in, and grab the thing?
ALEX
You reach your hands and you find yourself gripping something large, metal, cylindrical. It’s quite heavy, and you can lift it. You pluck it out of the muck. It’s hard to discern from all of the muck what it is, and the stench is… quite potent once you disturb it like this. And you start pulling it near yourself.
[LYDIA MAKES A DISGUSTED NOISE]
And you’ll probably need to wipe it off a bit before you can tell specifically what it is.
BEN
So, if I’m in the middle of this… this thing now, I guess…
ZOLF
(calling out) Can one of you grab my leg, and pull me back?
[ALEX LAUGHS]
JAMES
My eyes and his lock again –
[PLAYERS CACKLE]
Bertie strides manfully forward and pulls his legs – edge of the disk –
BEN
Yeah, legs, legs’ll be hanging over.
ALEX
Yeah, distance-wise it’s fine.
BEN
Does that…
ALEX
The Stepping Stone bobs back…
BEN
Heft it on to the…
[ALEX MIMICS A CLANGING NOISE]
Push it over, roll off the disk! Put my chain shirt back on.
ALEX
Mhm, mhm. And you guys come back, are you still scouting?
LYDIA
We’ve heard all of this… well I’ve heard all of this, so I at least go back, I think.
ALEX
Sure. Yeah, you head back and it looks like they’ve fished something large and smelly-looking out of the big pool of sewage.
ZOLF
(pleasant) Look what Bertie found!
BRYN
I cast Prestigitation, producing an army of handkerchiefs…
[LAUGHTER]
From my pocket – various pockets.
ZOLF
Yeah, if you wouldn’t mind, that would be great.
BRYN
And start to… you know, do my little weird flick-cleaning.
ALEX
There’s a blizzard of hankies, that’s what we’ll call it. There’s a blizzard of hankies and then… revealed beneath it is a… hand. A Simulacrum hand. Which appears to be torn off, at about the wrist, something like that, maybe towards the elbow? Maybe around the forearm point?
JAMES
Forearm.
ALEX
Yeah. There’s… yeah, about say halfway up the forearm. And, to be honest, if you didn’t know what you were looking for, it’d just look like a gauntlet at first… a very well made, smooth…
BRYN
And very large.
ALEX
But way too large for a person. Dangling from inside it, there are strings of what look like gold, maybe…
BRYN
Electrum?
ALEX
Yeah. Can you give me a… let’s go an Appraise check, for once.
LYDIA
(cheering wildly) Yeahhhh! Woohoo!
[DICE ROLLS]
That is a 17 and my Appraise is 7… so, 24.
[LAUGHTER]
BEN
I just thought as well, so I get a plus 2 on Appraisal all treasure found in or under-water…
LYDIA
Ohhh!
BEN
Does this count as water? Does it count as sewage? Can I be a sewage-beard dwarf?
BRYN
Two thirds water.
ALEX
I will permit you to aid her with a bonus because it was found under, inverted commas… “water.”
BEN
I’ll do my roll and add it to a bit of your primary action.
[DICE ROLLS]
LYDIA
I feel like my thunder has been somewhat stolen.
BEN
No, no, cause I’m just helping you, so. I got 13.
ALEX
I’m gonna be honest it will make zero mechanical difference, because she rolled high enough.
BEN
You’ve already rolled 24, so yeah.
ALEX
I’ll actually have to look that up at some point.
BRYN
Yeah, we should check the collaboration rules.
ALEX
Yeah. But anyway, you start having a look at it, and it becomes very clear that the interior, it’s probably got more precious metals in it than you will be getting paid for this job. There are strands of gold still hanging out… mithril, and sort of… silvery mercury-coloured almost.
LYDIA
Does anyone hear like a rattling or anything? Cause it’s definitely not my hands shaking.
[ALEX SNORTS]
ALEX
There are… some very tiny gears in there and strands of things.
HAMID
It seems very likely they dismantled it. Do you think all of it’s in the pool, or do you think they just dropped one piece?
ZOLF
Probably discarded bit by bit, I imagine.
BEN
And can I just Sense Motive on… Sasha?
ALEX
Like I’ve said before, I’d rather avoid Sense Motiving and Bluffing between characters between characters where possible.
BEN
What’s your, uh – what’s your face doing right now?
LYDIA
It’s like… I’m not hiding it very well, am I? It’s just like my eyes are lighting up and… I know it’s valuable!
BEN
I’m just gonna…
LYDIA
It’s not, there isn’t a sneaky… I’m not actually taking things; I am just very impressed by this thing.
BEN
That’s fair enough. I’ll pop my hand on the thing and say –
ZOLF
The mercenary’s guild will gut us.
SASHA
(like a kicked puppy) Okay…
ZOLF
(as Ben struggles not to laugh) It’s fine, I understand there’s quite a lot of expensive stuff. But they’ll gut us.
JAMES
Can I do a quick Perception check for Alex knows what I’ll be looking for?
ALEX
I’ll tell you what, actually why don’t we take a short ad break, and then we’ll discuss what you’re looking for in a couple of minutes!
JAMES
Okay.
[AD BREAK]
ALEX
And welcome back. Okay! So you were doing a sort of a Search check, okay.
[DICE ROLLS]
JAMES
Fourteen, minus 1 is 13.
ALEX
No traces.
HAMID
So, do you think there are more bits of it in this pool? How – how are we gonna find them?
[BEAT]
ZOLF
(groan) Alright!
BEN
Take off my pack, say a couple of things –
BERTIE
Steady, steady, no need for poo-diving… isn’t this, (mansplaining professor voice) correct me if I’m wrong, ladies and gentlemen, but is mithril not a magical substance? Could not one… simply detect one?
HAMID
No.
BERTIE
Oh.
[ALEX CACKLES]
SASHA
Could we, like…
HAMID
It’s a very special metal with some extremely valuable and useful properties, but not technically magical in that sense.
BERTIE
(quietly) Curses.
SASHA
Could we block off the flow of the water for like a little while, or divert it somehow?
ZOLF
(resigned) I’ll just jump in.
SASHA
…Okay.
ZOLF
I’ll just jump in. But good point raised, Bertie, let’s just check.
BEN
Detect Magic on the gauntlet… cause they have residual magic.
ALEX
It does. From what you understand of magic, it feels sort of incoherent. And – so it feels like there is some innate magical things kicking around in there, but it doesn’t feel like… normally with Detect Magic if you concentrate you’re like “ahh, I see what this is doing.” Here it’s like listening to static, there’s noise but it’s not really music.
BEN
But I’m getting a… glow from it?
ALEX
It’s weak, it’s very weak.
BEN
Can’t I look in the pool?
ALEX
There’s another… sort of weak, glow-y, it’s really hard to pin down.
ZOLF
Yeah, there’s something in there.
BRYN
I’ll also cast some detect magic, and then I’m gonna roll – I’m gonna ask to look at the gauntlet most closely… the one we’ve already rescued.
BEN
Oh, yeah.
BRYN
And I’m gonna look at it and… roll Knowledge: Arcana?
ALEX
Yeah, go for it.
BRYN
To see if I can just work out a little more about it?
[DICE ROLLS]
Uh – 13.
ALEX
Okay… 13. So let me just…
BEN
While he’s examining, I’ll take off my clothes and jump in!
[SFX: WATER SPLASH]
[LAUGHTER]
JAMES
Our eyes lock!
[LAUGHTER INTENSIFIES]
ALEX
(delighted) Ahhh, you are gonna stiiiink.
BEN
(singsong) Prestidigitation!
ALEX
Oh! That’s actually really… I’ve never known anyone to make such good use of Prestidigitation, in like a really effective way.
LYDIA
It’s like it’s beginning – beginning to make a mechanical difference.
ALEX
Almost!
BEN
Also, I used… I used to be a pirate, so I’ve probably been in worse places.
ALEX
That’s true.
BRYN
Oh, I think I cast Prestidigitation the maximum number of times I can today, I’m afraid.
[ALEX STARTS LAUGHING AGAIN]
BEN
Then you’re gonna have to be next to me.
ALEX
Okay, so, so presumably you’re concentrating and meeting all the prerequisites to… yeah, that’s fine. So, you…
[DICE ROLLS]
BRYN
It’ll be while he’s… poo-diving? Is that polite enough to say… on a family-friendly podcast?
ALEX
Eh, I think it’s polite enough.
LYDIA
Poo-poo swimming.
BEN
It’s okay, everybody poos.
ALEX
Not in this world, there are magical creatures that don’t!
BEN
True.
JAMES
(as Bertie) I have people to poop for me!
[CACKLING]
ALEX
Aaaanyway…
BRYN
Excrement excavating!
ALEX
(desperately trying to get back on track) So…
BEN
Does that mean – could you put a portable hole just right next to your bum, so you never have to deal with –
ALEX
Why don’t we have an extended discussion of this after the podcast.
BEN
(groaning in disappointment) But people need to know, Alex!
ALEX
So, you find kicking around in there, elements of the enchantment school, a portion of the illusion school…
LYDIA
Wait, this is in the gauntlet, not in the sewage?
ALEX
This is in the gauntlet. And the transmutation school, as well as… eh, dribs and drabs of the elemental arcane schools.
BRYN
I’m not going to be able to work out what’s going on, but it’s gonna be really useful in the future to recognise… to be able to recognise similar stuff?
ALEX
Yeah. No, I get what you’re doing, you’re basically, it’s so that if you can see traces of this later you’ll recognise it. Certainly, the complexity of it in, I suppose you’d call it a construct… is very distinct.
So, Zolf’s just currently swimming in… in excrement.
BEN
I’m just going right in there.
[SFX OF FLOWING WATER IS REPLACED WITH THE SOUNDS OF SWIMMING THROUGH DEEP WATER]
ALEX
Right to the bottom?
BEN
To where it is. I can see it - obviously I’ve closed my eyes cause, uh… no-one wants poo eyes!
ALEX
You do have to dive under, and I’m gonna give you a Swim check, because you feel a very strong current pulling down.
BEN
Yep, that’s fine.
[DICE ROLLS]
BRYN
(laughing painfully) Oh, God.
LYDIA
Oh no!
ALEX
What was the roll? I can’t see it from here.
[BEN GROANS]
JAMES
A 2.
ALEX
A 2?
BEN
Four, total.
ALEX
Four. Yeah, you are gripped in a very strong current pulling you vertically downwards. Good news and bad news. The good news is, you’re drawing near to the thing that you could detect in the pool. The bad news is you’re drawing further and further away from the surface, and the deeper you get, the stronger the current becomes.
BEN
I will…
JAMES
I have a suggestion… I would have to make it out of character obviously, because our characters don’t know what’s going on. I don’t know if this will work mechanically but, could you summon up another disk right beneath you… and then, like some sort of poo elevator?
[LYDIA LAUGHS]
BEN
I can do… I absolutely can. So, yes, I will go for the…
ALEX
Presumably as a spell-like ability there’s no verbal of somatic components or anything to it?
BEN
N-not listed… no.
ALEX
That was why I had to ask!
[LAUGHTER]
JAMES
Save against cholera!
BRYN
Surely one of your domain powers is to be able to cast underwater, as a –
ALEX
If it’s not you really should look into it, silent spells, some like that. Anyway, you can successfully summon it beneath you.
BEN
Well, no, not yet.
ALEX
Oh, right.
BEN
No, I go for the gauntlet!
ALEX
Okay, cool. So, yeah, you reach the very bottom of the pool and you… it’s very clear that there’s some kind of hole that it’s draining through, and that the item that you’re reaching for is sort of wedged there.
BEN
(decisive) Grab the item.
ALEX
Okay, you reach down, try to pull it out. It is wedged quite firmly. You’ll need to do a Strength check. I’m gonna say that you’ve now been under… coming onto, like 20 seconds, something like that.
BEN
Cool. Um –
SASHA
Do you think he’s okay down there?
BERTIE
Oh, fine, fine, I’m sure.
SASHA
Okay.
[DICE ROLLS]
BEN
Uh, 17, all pure strength.
ALEX
Seventeen, yeah, you manage to dislodge it, you hadn’t cast the disc yet, right?
BEN
No, not yet.
ALEX
Okay, the flow suddenly, massively increases. And… give me a Reflex save?
[DICE ROLLS]
BEN
That’s not something Clerics are good at. Still got 14…?
ALEX
Is that total including…
BEN
That is total including.
ALEX
Fourteen… You get sucked down straight through the hole that you’ve just released –
[PLAYERS GASP]
– As, from everyone on the edges, you see suddenly, a… (imitates bubbling sound) and then the pool starts draining very rapidly.
BEN
Okay, my reaction to this is – try not to panic, just go “it’s gonna spit me out eventually, and I’m not gonna swim against it,” so…
[SOMEONE MAKES A SUCKING-WATER NOISE]
ALEX
And yeah, you see all of the sewage and get sucked down the hole and then, fwip! Suddenly the… waterfall is pouring into, like a large catch basin, and it clearly goes down to about a man-sized hole. And there is no-one in there.
[FLOWING WATER NOISES COME BACK AS WE CUT BACK TO SURFACE CHARACTERS]
SASHA
Oh god. (panicking but still speaking slowly) No, can you swim, I can’t swim. Do you wanna grab my ankles, I’ll go look for him. No, you go… w-what do we do?
HAMID
Quick! Here’s some rope, tie it to me.
[BEAT]
SASHA
You! Yes… okay.
[ALEX STARTS CACKLING]
BERTIE
That sounds like an excellent solution! Well – well volunteered.
JAMES
So we are knotting the rope around him, blah blah blah, left over right and right over left… okay.
LYDIA
It sounds like a thief-y skill; I can tie a knot.
HAMID
I’ll jump down the hole. If I tug, pull me back!
BERTIE
Yeah, very well.
[DEEP-WATER SOUNDS RETURN]
ALEX
Fwip! And down the hole you go. You’re moving quite quickly down, I’m gonna cut to… Zolf.
BEN
Hello.
ALEX
Zolf, you’re now completely disorientated and, there’s a couple of twists and turns…
BRYN
I’ve still got Detect Magic active, so if he’s holding the magical gauntlet, I’ll be able to see him.
ALEX
Mhm. Give me another Strength check to keep hold of it.
[DICE ROLLS]
BEN
Nineteen.
ALEX
You hold tight on to the one thing that’s moving with you, i.e. the thing, whatever it is, and you’re getting pulled along the pipes, so you get a bit of a left turn, a bit of a right turn and then, yeah –
[DEEP WATER NOISES ARE REPLACED BY FLOWING WATER NOISES AGAIN]
You get spat out of a… what feels like a very, very high thing, plummet, and –
[SFX: SPLASH]
Land in something. I’m gonna cut back to Hamid.
BEN
Yup.
ALEX
Hamid, you start falling down the tube and then, slowly you decelerate as there’s a couple of twists and turns, and you kind of squeak up against, squeak up against until you find yourself just sort of… on your side, at a sort of 45 degree angle, just in the tube. It carries on, but you’re currently… did you go head first or feet first?
BRYN
Feet first?
ALEX
Well then, yeah, you’re currently in a situation where your arms are above your head, and your legs are down, and you’re not, you’re not squeezed in but you’re gonna have to sort of start pushing your way along. You’re not moving at a huge pace. There’s only a small amount of liquid, flowing fast.
BRYN
So I’m not immediately going to drown in it, just – ?
ALEX
No, nothing like that, but similarly you’re not just shooting out like a cork in a bottle, the same way that Zolf was.
BRYN
Yeah, that’s fair. I’ll start… yeah, just kind of climbing, quite gradually and slowly… keep it controlled.
ALEX
Okay, I’m gonna cut briefly to Bertie and Sasha.
SASHA
Was, was that a tug –
ALEX
The rope rapidly disappeared and then suddenly stopped disappearing and continued very slowly.
JAMES
Has there been anything like a tug on the rope at all?
SASHA
Was that… did that feel like a tug? That felt like a tug to me.
BERTIE
It didn’t feel like a tug to me.
SASHA
Well, it felt like a tug to me.
BERTIE
(more insistent) It didn’t feel like a tug to me!
SASHA
What do you think a tug feels like?
BERTIE
It feels like this!
JAMES
And I tug her arm.
[SNICKERS]
BERTIE
That’s what a tug feels like, young lady!
SASHA
That’s, that’s –
ALEX
(laughing) We’ll cut back to Zolf –
BEN
No, I wanna stick with this, this is great!
SASHA
That’s way too much of a tug.
BERTIE
(offended) W-what does a tug feel like to you?
SASHA
Like this!
LYDIA
I tug his arm.
BERTIE
That is a rubbish tug!
[CACKLING]
ALEX
(laughing) I’m cutting back to Zolf!
[LAUGHTER FADES DOWN A LITTLE]
Okay Zolf, you break surface and, yeah, you’re in a much, much larger sort of like a holding tank or something similar. It’s maybe 30 feet across, it looks like there’s walking paths on either side that you could swim to, but it’s gonna be a bit of a tough swim lugging whatever you’re carrying.
BEN
Better than being in the thing! Do the tough swim.
ALEX
Give me the Swim check.
BEN
I’ll go to the left.
[DICE ROLLS]
Thir – no, 12, sorry.
ALEX
Twelve? The weight of the thing is stopping you swimming, it’s starting to pull you back down.
BEN
Stepping Stone underneath me.
ALEX
Okay, that’s fine.
BRYN
I’ll start calling out… not like super loud, but just – “Zolf? Zoooolf?”
JAMES
Don’t you have your special magic-y brain walkie-talkie –
ALEX
He has to have done it ahead of time.
JAMES
Ah.
BRYN
I’ll be able to see someone, because…
BEN
There would have been so many good things we could have done. But we didn’t.
LYDIA
We were in a rush to save your life!
BEN
No, no, no, no, I’m saying when I jumped in!
LYDIA
Ah, yes.
BEN
I could have tied a rope round myself, could have done the walkie talkie thing, just in case anything went wrong, loads of stuff. Didn’t do any of that. I just jumped in.
ALEX
(laughing) So, yeah, Zolf, you hear coming out of the tube, something similar to –
[ALEX MAKES EXTENDED ‘AURRRR’ AND OTHER BURBLING SOUNDS]
BEN
Someone’s playing a didgeridoo up there!
[SNICKERS]
LYDIA
(warningly) Bertie…
BEN
So, I will… okay, so, basically lie down on the disk, one arm round the thing, and then just paddling myself.
ALEX
Okay.
BRYN
Like the last bit in Titanic!
BEN
Yes! (in a hiss) Don’t let go.
[WATER NOISES FADE SLIGHTLY]
SASHA
No, that definitely felt like a tug. That was a tug. Don’t you think that was a tug?
BERTIE
I don’t think it felt like a tug!
SASHA
But your tugs are weird.
BERTIE
Your tugs are weird! You have the weirdest tugs. You have the tugs of a tiny lady.
[ALEX CACKLES]
SASHA
Your tugs are like… a falcon that’s – half-broken wing, like…
BERTIE
When was the last time you were ever tugged by a falcon with half a wing?!
ALEX
And cut to! Hamid, you’ve made it to the end of the pipe.
BRYN
I’ll lean out, over the edge.
ALEX
You’re about 30 foot in the air, and there’s just a gentle stream of stuff flowing past you into it. You get a much better view, obviously, I skimmed the description for Zolf because (laughing a little) he was occupied. You see a large, almost think of it as an underground lake, it’s 30 feet across, and disappearing into the distance there is a bit of haze…
BRYN
Yeah.
ALEX
But, certainly at least, like 100 feet. And there’s railings to either side and what look like other side tunnels where the sort of – lake, we’ll call it, is draining off, multiple leading off into the distance. So, there’s a gentle flow of the stuff out towards the edges. You see floating upon it, is obviously Zolf with his disk holding a big lump of something, and the flow is actually helping. Looking up briefly you see a large vaulted ceiling. It’s very, very functional? But, at the same, its good workmanship. They’ve not like, done a bad job, but it doesn’t need to be particularly fancy.
HAMID
Zolf? Zolf!
ZOLF
Oh, hi, yeah.
HAMID
Are you alright?
ZOLF
I’m fine, I’m fine. I’ve had worse. I got the thing.
HAMID
Good? I guess – are you going to be able to get out?
ZOLF
Well, have a look to see if you can find any ways up… maybe a ladder or something.
ALEX
Honestly, it looks like no-one’s meant to be coming out of this pipe. It’s a pipe that juts out of a wall. Looking to your left and right you see… 10, maybe 20 other such pipes dotted around, other parts of the wall, it’s just a drainage system. They don’t often expect people to be going through the pipes.
BRYN
How much slack is there in the rope behind us?
ALEX
There’s nearly 10 foot of slack still, and it’s stopped reeling out.
HAMID
I don’t know if I… I can find a way to get you up, I might have to go and get more rope.
ZOLF
That’s fine, I can wait.
HAMID
Okay. I’ll – I’ll be back soon!
ZOLF
Sure.
[UNDERGROUND LAKE SOUNDS ARE REPLACED BY FLOWING WATER SOUNDS]
BRYN
I’ll start climbing back up, just to, just at least get round the corner, so that they don’t… you know, if I tug on the rope, they don’t just like pull me back and bash me against the sides.
ALEX
Sure, give me a Climb check?
[DICE ROLLS]
BRYN
Nineteen, plus 1… 20.
ALEX
Okay, it’s a really hard climb and, its slick… The thing that basically stops you from just shooting out, was that corner. Because it levelled out enough for a while that you got to lose some speed. But it’s very slick, it’s designed to keep you moving. You manage to sort of brace your hands and really, awkwardly, get yourself up. Like, you almost just slip and end up falling out but you manage to just make it up onto the slightly level bit, before you sort of stop.
[NOISES CHANGE BACK TO SURFACE NOISES AGAIN]
BRYN
Okay.
SASHA
(decisive) We are pullin’ him. He has been down there longer than anyone can hold it, and he’s got tiny lungs. They’re like well tiny. We’ve got to pull him out.
BERTIE
He does have the lungs of a tiny little boy. Alright, very well.
JAMES
And I start to tug and pull.
ALEX
Sure. And give me one Strength check.
[DICE ROLLS]
JAMES
Three, plus 3, so that’s 6.
ALEX
Six. Honestly, right you’re that light. It’s the difference between you just making easy work of it and… it feels like you’re probably pulling against resistance from the pipe, maybe around the corner or something, but you are managing to pull out… slowly, you’re… (mimics grunts of effort)
Obviously from Hamid’s point of view there’s a sudden (imitates grunt sound) like yank around the waist and, yeah, if you’re gonna climb up – it’s very clear that if he wasn’t climbing you wouldn’t be able to help him up… just mechanically, and similarly, if you… basically both of you are only just going to make this.
JAMES
Yes. Between your good climb and my appalling…
ALEX
Yeah, basically.
BRYN
You weakling!
BEN
It’s that broken wing.
JAMES
Someone’s been on the pies!
ALEX
Anyway, time passes, eventually Zolf makes it to the side of the lake and Hamid makes it to the top of the pipe.
BRYN
Oh, I’ll get – I’ll let you pull me out the basin as well.
ALEX
It’s slick, it’s quite difficult, so… yeah.
HAMID
(explaining to Sasha and Bertie) Okay, the basin has a pipe, the pipes will go round a couple of corners and then there’s… it shoots out into this huge, like, vault-like cavern, which is like, almost an underground lake. So Zolf’s about 30 foot from the bottom of this pipe.
ALEX
I should point out by the way… Hamid stinks.
LYDIA
Yeah.
ALEX
Pungently stinks.
LYDIA
(snickering) We are standing so far away we don’t hear him.
BERTIE
Hamid, it’s fine we can hear from over here, just project!
BRYN
(resigned) I cast Prestidigitation.
ALEX
Yep, that’s fine. This one takes a bit longer, it’s a bit ingrained. We’ll say that as he’s finishing the conversation, there’s still a hanky just (makes repetitive squeaking sound) pulling out one of the last of his earhole.
SASHA
So like, was there more of the… was there more of the shiny man in the vault?
HAMID
We don’t know. It’s pretty big. It will be difficult to find that out, I think.
BERTIE
Well, we have two options I suppose, either we try and haul Zolf out, or we follow him down there.
HAMID
I don’t think that’s a good idea. I don’t think there’s gonna be many ways out of this huge vault area… I couldn’t see a way out at all. I think if I go back down with a second rope…
[BOTH SASHA AND BERTIE ARE OBVIOUSLY DELIGHTED AT THE CHANCE TO NOT JUMP INTO POO]
SASHA
Very well volunteered, I think that’s –
BERTIE
Good man!
SASHA
Good man!
[ALEX LAUGHS]
BERTIE
Well, well done. Very well done.
SASHA
I think that’s a great plan.
BERTIE
That’s an excellent plan. All those in favour?
SASHA
Aye!
JAMES
Raise hands.
LYDIA
Yeah, we’re both… yep.
HAMID
I mean most of it’s drained out now… so it’s not as if it’s underwater anymore. So it’s not too big of a problem –
SASHA
So that’s fine – excellent –
BERTIE
Excellent. Good for you, then, isn’t it?
SASHA
Great, enjoy that, I’m glad it’ll be good.
BERTIE
Go team.
[ALEX LAUGHS HIGH-PITCHEDLY]
HAMID
So, yeah. Don’t… this time I-I’ll give a really clear signal, I’ll do a triple tug, quick, like this.
BRYN
I sort of demonstrate.
BERTIE
You see, that’s what a tug feels like!
SASHA
That’s not like anything like you showed me!
BERTIE
That is totally what a tug feels like…
SASHA
No it isn’t!
BERTIE
That’s totally what I did.
BRYN
(sighing) I grab another piece of rope…
ALEX
Presumably tie it off, and then… or tie it to itself.
BRYN
Yeah, so, I’ll create a loop and I’m gonna tie it to the piece of rope that’s tied to me. Cause I’m not going to be able to pull Zolf up.
ALEX
Yeah, yeah.
BRYN
So I just need to create a single… a link, basically.
ALEX
Okay. And presumably head back down?
BRYN
Head back down.
ALEX
I’ll just leave you… like there’s this squabbling happening and so forth.
BRYN
I’ve now demonstrated the tug signal, that I will give if I want to be pulled back up. And it’s complicated enough that I won’t accidentally replicate it!
ALEX
Okay, cutting to Zolf. The Stepping Stone has made it sort of to the edge of the vault, and yeah, you’re… it’s pretty much level cause it floats a little bit above the liquid. It’s pretty much level with the edge and you’d be crawling in underneath a railing, but it’s a very easy transfer.
BEN
So I’ll pop the, pop the large object through first…
ALEX
It clangs.
BEN
Yep, and then roll in. Just sit for a moment, be like, (thoughtful) “well, that was unpleasant!”
[SNICKERS]
And… just sort of take a look around from my perspective, see anything that’s gonna help me while I’m waiting for Hamid to come back.
ALEX
The walkway… you’re right near, up against the wall that you came out of. The walkway just stops in a ladder that leads up and then to a higher walkway so that you can cross from one side to the other… cause there’s a walk on either side of this vault. In the opposite direction, away from when you came in, it disappears amongst sort of haze and gloom… there’s not very good lighting, there’s no torches or anything.
BEN
I’ve got darkvision.
ALEX
Oh, have you got complete darkvision?
BEN
I’ll doublecheck but I think dwarves –
ALEX
Oh, of course, yeah – a dwarf!
BEN
Darkvision, well, it’s within 60 foot.
ALEX
Within 60 foot… yeah. So, within 60 foot everything that I’ve said is as is, it does still disappear into gloom at the other end. But what there is, is there are a couple of light wells, dotted above the liquid. So there’s the faint outline of a far wall, eventually, but it’s very distant. Cause, darkvision’s a bit strange, it doesn’t actually mean that you’re spectacular at seeing, like if it’s dark over a longer distance it’s kind of a moot point?
BEN
Yeah, yeah, sure.
ALEX
Okay. Coming back to Hamid, you make it down the pipe again…
BRYN
To the edge of the pipe again.
ALEX
And yeah, you’re at the edge of the pipe, it was a lot easier knowing what to expect, you can control yourself, again with the rope and so on.
HAMID
(calling out)) Zolf?
ZOLF
Yep.
HAMID
Are there any other ways out, or are you going to try and climb back up here? I’ve brought a rope.
ZOLF
Well, let’s get – this thing back. Just throw the rope down, attached to you obviously.
HAMID
Okay.
ZOLF
Swing it over like a pendulum, I’ll catch it.
BRYN
I do so.
ALEX
It takes a few tries, you manage.
BEN
Cool. I am going to tie the rope to the object, using a criss-cross pattern cause I’m aware that it is a sphere, hopefully using my profession as Sailor, I’d be good at knotwork.
BRYN
(advertising voice) You can tie good knots, yeah.
ALEX
I’m not even gonna get you to do a roll.
BEN
Oh fine.
ALEX
Years of sailing, course you tie a knot.
BEN
So, yeah, tie it, kind of like a package, so that it won’t slip out, and –
ZOLF
Hoist that up!
BRYN
I give the tug signal.
JAMES
And I try and pull him up!
ALEX
It’s not gonna be, it’s not gonna be quick work –
BRYN
Given that this is gonna take a while anyway, if it were just like, taking 20…
[UNDERGROUND LAKE SOUNDS AGAIN GIVE AWAY TO FLOWING PIPE SOUNDS]
ALEX
Sure, yeah, yeah. Just to explain to listeners, what Bryn’s referring to there is something we call “taking 10,” or “taking 20.” So taking 10 is where, you’re going to be doing a job and there’s no pressure of failure and… you can take your time to focus on it.
BRYN
Yeah, you can’t be… like, rushed.
ALEX
Yeah, yeah. And the idea is that you will… basically take the average of your normal rolls, so, in things like Appraise for Sasha, its, it’s where it’ll becomes useful… because it just saves us doing roll after roll after roll when actually you’re not trying to do something particularly difficult. And taking 20 is sort of the extreme version of that. It takes a long time; it assumes you fail a lot…
BRYN
Yeah, you know you’re gonna fail.
ALEX
But, eventually, you get the best possible result that you are capable of doing. So, if you were an artist and you had Profession: Artist, you can take 20 to make your work of art. And it will take you know, 6 months instead of a week.
BRYN
Yeah, and you produce… you know, several ugly, ugly, terrible things.
ALEX
Oh, you’d have terrible horrible abominations… and then a…
BRYN
But one masterpiece.
LYDIA
“I rolled a 3, it looks like a frog.”
ALEX
And it’s saving us doing, yeah, 400 rolls of 600 permutations of frogs, and all that.
LYDIA
Okay.
ALEX
So yeah, we’ll say that you take 10, because that’s sufficient.
[FLOWING WATER SOUNDS ARE REPLACED AGAIN BY SURFACE WATER SOUNDS]
You guys get up and get the… the thing, the device, whatever we call it – the blob. We get that up, pull it up, and you get to the basin and manage to pull it up, and dump it on the side.
BRYN
(very tired) And then I go back down and do the same for Zolf.
SASHA
Well volunteered, good team.
BERTIE
Good team. Good team.
SASHA
Good team, good team. A good choice has been made as a team. Good – well done.
JAMES
Yeah.
BRYN
(very tired) And we take 20 again!
ALEX
Yeah, you can take the 10, this time.
BEN
Flash-forward, I climb over the basin.
ZOLF
Please for the love of everything, clean me up.
BRYN
I cast –
ALEX
No, before we clean up Zolf, I think we’re gonna end it there!
[SFX CUTS OUT]
BEN
Oh noooo! A whole week stinky!
ALEX
Yeah, stinky week for Zolf. But yeah, we’ll call it there. So, thanks for listening everyone, hope you had a good time and we look forward to seeing you again next week.
LYDIA
Bye.
EVERYONE
Bye!
LYDIA
Ewww, smelly.
BEN
Oh, sorry.
[Show Theme - Outro]
ALEX
Rusty Quill Gaming is a podcast distributed by rustyquill.com and licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution Non-Commercial International License. Today’s episode was recorded and produced by Alexander J Newall. To comment on episodes, make donations, and view links, images, videos and show notes, visit rustyquill.com. Rate and review us on iTunes, visit us on Facebook, tweet us on Twitter @therustyquill, or email us at mail@rustyquill.com. Thanks for listening.
JAMES
(singsong) I’m a little teapot, short and stout, here’s my – (hesitates) handle –
BEN
(simultaneously) Meat golems.
[ALEX BURSTS INTO LAUGHTER]
It’s in my head.
JAMES
Alright, good.
ALEX
I’ve never known someone to have meat golems in their head before.
LYDIA
They’re the ones that pump the – pump the… valves! In your brain.
ALEX
Oh!
BEN
(laughing) The meat golems?
LYDIA
Yeah! Don’t you know anything about biology?
JAMES
Like the numbskulls?
ALEX
The new Pixar film, the whole one inside people’s brains, is gonna be a lot darker than I thought!
BEN
Yeah, it’s actually a body horror film.
ALEX
And hello again. Welcome to the Rusty Gaming Quill Pill – Pull – Plo –
LYDIA
You can do this.
[Alex gives up entirely and starts making musical noises that start with P]
JAMES
Ten seconds of silence! Silence in the courtyard, silence in the street. Biggest twit in England is just about to do something he’s gonna need to edit himself out of later.
[ALEX GROANS]
BEN
You find your long-lost aunt inside the…
[LAUGHTER]
(high-pitched) “Hello, Bertie!”
LYDIA
“I’m blocking(?) you down there!”
JAMES
Bertie quietly drops the gauntlet back into the –
[LAUGHTER]
BEN
“Shh! Shh!”
ALEX
It’ll be over soon.
JAMES
It’s a very grim dark reimagining of the Jeeves and Wooster series.
ALEX
He’s just killing off his maiden aunts!
JAMES
Seriously, gritty reboot of Jeeves and Wooster, where Bertie Wooster just goes around killing his maiden aunts because they’re annoying him and he’s the sole heir.
LYDIA
If he’s played by Robert Downey Jr I’d watch it.
JAMES
That is – that’s such a good idea! That’s such a good idea.
ALEX
Aw, yeah!