Sheeple Chase 2 - Episode 53: Spray It Ain't So
[SFX: A TACKY, MYSTERY THEME, FULL OF SYNTH-Y THERAMIN]
[CELIA and GEORGIE are recording remotely, badly]
[A dog pads around at Georgie’s feet]
GEORGIE
Hello, and welcome to another episode of Sheeple Chase, the podcast that sorts the CONS from the CONSpiracies. I’m Georgie Barker –
CELIA
(slightly tired) And I’m Celia Ripley. So, let’s start with the big news…
…How was Captain Barker’s big haircut? Did she have a good time?
GEORGIE
(overenthusiastic) She was very brave.
CELIA
She looked quite cute in the sixteen photos you sent me.
GEORGIE
Didn’t she! And did you like the little X-Files bandana I got for her?
CELIA
(playfully tactful) I like that you think your dog has a favourite TV show.
GEORGIE
You can’t prove she doesn’t! Anyway, how are you doing?
CELIA
(reflexively) I’m fine.
[Beat.]
GEORGIE
(coaxing) Uh-huh.
CELIA
(reluctantly) I’ve… not been sleeping well lately.
GEORGIE
Brilliant! I mean, well, not for you. But it does tie in well with our latest sponsor.
[FX: short tacky jingle to indicate the start of an ad]
GEORGIE
(groans unconvincingly) Man, I need coffee!
CELIA
(flat, actually tired) Were you up all night researching conspiracy theories?
GEORGIE
No, I just can’t fall asleep!
CELIA
You poor thing. You should treat yourself to a SleepTight mattress.
GEORGIE
A SleepTight mattress? Why?
CELIA
Because a SleepTight mattress uses state of the art foam technology and over 333 micro-springs to shape and set itself around your body, holding you in place all night long.
GEORGIE
Sounds too good to be true!
CELIA
Then you should take the SleepTight 90 Night Challenge: try it for 90 nights, and if you’re disappointed, you can apply for get 10% back!
GEORGIE
Wow, they must really have faith in their product! That’s my worries thoroughly debunked. I’m going to get a SleepTight mattress, right now!
[FX: sleepy tinklies fade out.]
CELIA
It’s your turn to pick the topic, so: which conspiracy are we unpicking today?
GEORGIE
Today, we’re jetting off to the 90s on the trail of a real –
CELIA
Is it chemtrails?
GEORGIE
Yes, it’s chemtrails: the claim that those clouds you see coming out the back of planes are full of chemicals being purposefully spread by secretive organisations for… reasons.
[FX: excessively spooky sting]
CELIA
OK. So why would anyone think there’s something sinister going on?
GEORGIE
Well, let’s start by talking about the difference between “chemtrails” and “contrails”. So, contrails are just frozen condensation following in the plane’s wake after cold air combusts in a jet engine –
CELIA
Great, well, that seems pretty straightforward. Good episode! Tune in next week when –
GEORGIE
Ah! But while chemtrail believers do accept that contrails are a thing, they claim that chemtrails linger in place for much longer than contrails.
CELIA
Right. And that’s convincing because, of course, clouds never last more than 5 minutes.
GEORGIE
Yeah, so like clouds, contrails behave differently in different conditions. Stuff like temperature, altitude, humidity: it all affects how – and even if – condensation forms and disperses. But some people claim that the thick type are always followed by weird effects.
CELIA
Like what?
GEORGIE
Mm. Rain, mostly.
CELIA
Right. And we’re sure these people are seeing chemtrails and not just, you know… clouds?
GEORGIE
Well, there’s loads of pictures online and some of the photos do have a lot of contrails in them, like you’d have to live on some sort of aviatory ley line to have that many flight paths criss-crossing over your head, and this is assuming you can even see whatever chemicals are said to be spread…
CELIA
If chemtrails come down to “it’s theoretically possible something invisible exists somewhere,” then we may as well be asking if Santa’s sleigh is spreading asbestos or something! What do believers think chemtrails are actually for? Who’s supposed to be spreading them? And why?
GEORGIE
Well, there are loads of competing theories, but most people agree that chemtrails are either for: mind control, weather manipulation, biological warfare, weapons testing, population control, or combatting climate change.
CELIA
Well, that certainly narrows it down.
GEORGIE
Yeah, so let’s start with the mind control theory, because it’s probably the easiest to dismiss.
CELIA
Well, you would say that, given they’re controlling your mind.
GEORGIE
The idea is that governments are spreading vaguely defined “mind control chemicals” to make the population more docile.
CELIA
And people think it works?
GEORGIE
Well, yes. Their theory is that only mind-controlling substances could get people to not notice the mind-controlling substances in the sky.
CELIA
I see.
GEORGIE
Yeah, it’s just not realistic. It would be so inefficient.
CELIA
…What?
GEORGIE
I’m just saying it would be a terrible way of spreading mind control chemicals. It’s so wasteful and you don’t have any way to properly monitor the effects… I just think there are better options.
CELIA
So how would you do it?
GEORGIE
Oh, water supply. Easy. Almost everyone uses tap water and it would be simple to add a few extra chemicals to reservoirs during disinfection. You could even target specific regions. And it would be greener than using all those planes.
CELIA
Oh, well, I’m so glad to hear you’ve considered the environmental impact.
GEORGIE
Trouble is, there aren’t really any “mind control chemicals” that work like that. Even the CIA gave up after the whole MK-Ultra thing. Best they managed was maybe making a couple of people a bit more suggestible.
CELIA
So I can keep drinking tap water?
GEORGIE
Besides, you don’t need chemicals to control people. That’s what the economy’s for!
CELIA
Plus, every social media platform’s already basically a mind control device already.
GEORGIE
Very true.
CELIA
Georgie, you do realise you’re on all of them, all the time right?
GEORGIE
Right, but I interact with random stuff to confuse the algorithm. My targeted ads think I’m a French grandpa who likes windsurfing and motorbike repair.
Anyway, moving onto the weather manipulation stuff – this is where the conspiracy started. In 1996, the US Air Force put out a report entitled “Owning the Weather in 2025,” which looked at how the US government could manipulate weather in the future and –
CELIA
– and is, to be fair, something a supervillain’s research assistant would write.
GEORGIE
Yeah, nobody really noticed it ‘til 1999 when Art Bell, who hosted Coast to Coast AM, connected the dots with online forums discussing contrails and then suddenly the theory was everywhere. Apparently, the US government got so many complaints about it.
CELIA
That must have been such a weird day to be on the US Air Force customer service hotline. Everyone accusing you of ruining Brad Washingtonson’s picnic or whatever.
GEORGIE
Well, most of the more “serious” posters think it’s either to combat – or even cause – climate change, depending on which one they think is worse.
CELIA
Well that’s a bit of a stretch –
GEORGIE
(incredulous) But governments can use aircraft to affect the climate. And they do!
CELIA
(sceptical) I’m sorry, governments can control the weather?
GEORGIE
A bit, yes! In 2008, the Chinese government wanted to make sure Beijing was nice and sunny for the Olympics, so they used “cloud seeding” to purposefully make it rain in a different city, and kind of…wring all the moisture out of the air before it got to the sports.
CELIA
Cloud seeding?
GEORGIE
It’s when you release chemicals – usually some kind of salt – into the air at high altitudes to cause ice crystals to form at higher temperatures than normal and make clouds which then fall as rain, or hail, or snow, or whatever.
CELIA
Okay, even I can see how you could mix that up with chemtrails.
GEORGIE
Well, if you like cloud seeding, you’ll love this: some climate scientists are suggesting that we could use contrails to help mitigate global warming.
CELIA
I’m sorry, what?
GEORGIE
Well basically, because contrails are essentially just clouds, if you get enough of them in one spot, they should have an insulating effect. So, you could, in theory, control heat build-up and dispersal around the planet.
CELIA
Okay, so planes could hypothetically be used for some minor weather shenanigans. That hardly seems as bad as the whole mind-control thing.
GEORGIE
Well, you say that, but silver iodide is one of the chemicals used for cloud seeding, and in extreme quantities, it can be carcinogenic. And turn your skin a bluey-grey colour.
CELIA
I’ll admit cancer rain doesn’t sound great. So have there been many unexplained cases of silvery skin?
GEORGIE
No. The amounts used for cloud seeding are super tiny.
CELIA
Right. So the weather stuff is A) fine, and B) not what people are talking about when they’re talking about chemtrails.
GEORGIE
Pretty much.
CELIA
So the mind control’s nonsense, and the weather control stuff is doesn’t scan either. Sound like this is pretty much done?
GEORGIE
Not quite. We still have one last stop on our flight path, but we’ll get to it after a flying visit from our sponsor…
[SFX: Buh-Dum-Tss]
CELIA
Do we really need all these puns?
GEORGIE
Yes. Yes we do.
[SFX: A gavel bangs, a bassy jazzy tune plays]
GEORGIE
Gosh darn it, this well-known online auction site is so hard to use! I just want to make some quick cash, but they won’t let me sell this junk!
CELIA
Most e-commerce sites have ridiculous rules about what can and can’t be sold, but the folks over at SoulTrader believe in the free market. That’s why they’ve created the world’s first dedicated online soul-selling marketplace.
[SFX: Ghostly Gasps]
CELIA
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SoulTrader: because a Faustian bargain is still a bargain!
[SFX: cha-ching]
CELIA
(aside) Where do you find these sponsors?
GEORGIE
(aside) There’s a directory. The weirder ones pay more…
(back “on”) Anyway! We were about to cover the weirder side of airborne chemicals, including our favourite: “messed up cases of verified chemical warfare!”
CELIA
I’m guessing you’re talking stuff like Agent Orange?
GEORGIE
It was a chemical agent spread by aircraft…
CELIA
Sure, but commercial flights are completely different. For chemtrails to be a thing, you’d have to believe that pretty much every government and airline is working together on this. And no government is going to just let someone spray their citizens with –
GEORGIE
But they do! They do it themselves!
CELIA
What do you mean they do it themselves?
GEORGIE
The MoD has already admitted to doing this loads of times! In the Fluorescent Particle Trials, planes flew across the length of England, dropping zinc cadmium sulphide, and in the Large Area Coverage Trials, MoD ships sprayed E. coli all over Dorset. In the Sabotage Trials, they released a bunch of bacteria on the Northern Line –
CELIA
Wait, what?!
GEORGIE
And this is just from one military base: Porton Down. They admitted it all in a report they gave to this Lib Dem MP, Norman Baker, way back in 2002.
CELIA
They’re not still doing it, though. Are they?
GEORGIE
Let’s just say that when Porton Down was asked about that, they said “it’s not our policy to comment on current research.” So… yeah, it certainly sounds like there’s some current research to not comment on.
CELIA
Well, that’s horrifying. And not in a fun conspiracy kind of way.
GEORGIE
Exactly. So I’m not saying chemtrails are real, I’m just saying: someone, somewhere, is definitely getting sprayed! And it could be you! It could be any of us!
CELIA
And there’s nothing we can do about it?
GEORGIE
Sure there is! Just try not to breathe. Or drink water. Or eat anything that grows in the ground! You know, basic stuff.
CELIA
(laughs) Uh-huh. Well, despite these awful revelations, none of that stuff is actual “chemtrails,” is it?
GEORGIE
No. And there’s really no evidence that commercial jets are deliberately spreading stuff.
CELIA
Just classified military experiments on the civilian population?
GEROGIE
Exactly!
CELIA
Okay. Well, I have to say I think you’ve convinced me.
GEORGIE
Really?!
CELIA
Not about chemtrails, which are clearly utter bollocks, but the idea that militaries are dumping chemicals on people from the air for sinister reasons? Absolutely.
GEORGIE
I’ll take that as a win! Wow! I’m gonna award myself a certificate to commemorate this momentous achievement.
CELIA
Do I get a certificate for every time I’ve convinced you a theory’s fake?
GEORGIE
Steady on. Printer ink’s expensive, you know.
CELIA
Damn.
GEORGIE
Best I can manage is the drone I’ve sent to spray caffeine through your air vents to perk you up before recordings.
CELIA
Sounds great.
GEORGIE
So got anything good planned this weekend?
CELIA
This and that. But more importantly, are you excited about your big date?
GEORGIE
Not particularly. I’ve been checking online and the odds of him being a serial killer are shockingly high.
CELIA
Even if he is, I doubt he’s going to kill you in a Zizzi’s.
GEORGIE
He might!
CELIA
Why do I feel like you’re still holding out for a certain famous YouTube ghosthunter?
GEORGIE
I’m allowed to admire good videography.
CELIA
Especially when it’s by Melanie King, right?
GEORGIE
I’m just saying she has soulful eyes, she looks like she’s seen terrible things. In a good way.
CELIA
(knowingly) Right…
GEORGIE
(pressing on) Anyway, I think that’s all for this week. As always, thanks for listening, and next time you take a flight, maybe leave the E. coli at home. The British Army’s got that covered.
CELIA
Gross…
[SFX: tacky theme tune.]
ANNOUNCER
Sheeple Chase and The Magnus Protocol are podcasts distributed by Rusty Quill and licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution Non-Commercial Share-alike 4.0 International License.
Sheeple Chase was created by Sasha Sienna, directed by April Sumner, and based on the works of Jonathan Sims and Alexander J Newall.
This episode was written by Sasha Sienna and edited with additional materials by Jonathan Sims and Alexander J Newall, with audio edits by Nico Vettese, mastering by Meg McKellar, and music by Nico Vettese.
It featured Sasha Sienna as Georgie Barker and Lowri Ann Davies as Celia Ripley.
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Thanks for listening.