ANNOUNCER
This episode is dedicated to Stuart Pollock – I humbly dedicate this episode to the talented folks at Rusty Quill, and to supporters of good art and content everywhere.
[Intro Theme]
ANNOUNCER
Rusty Quill Presents: The Magnus Protocol.
Episode Eleven – Marked.
[Music]
[Dial-up phone noises]
[Sounds of a busy motorway fade in, along with drizzling rain]
[A few slightly distressed noises from a person nearby]
[A lorry roars past and the person awakes with a start:]
CELIA
Hhng!
[Beat]
[A noise of frustration]
CELIA
Oh, Christ, not again.
[She starts to slowly, painfully get to her feet.]
CELIA
(to herself) Wonderful. Perfect.
[A thought strikes her suddenly and she starts patting down her pajamas, letting out a small cry of triumph as she pulls out her phone:]
CELIA
(to herself) Yes! Okay, phone in the pocket works.
[She starts tapping the screen]
CELIA
(to herself, annoyed) If it had signal!
[She sighs in helpless frustration]
CELIA
Shit!
[She stretches and starts trudging off towards the motorway]
CELIA
Hold on, Jack, I’m on my way.
[Phone beeps and turns off]
[The familiar decrepit noises of the OIAR microphone whirring on]
[Sam taps morosely at his terminal]
[He sighs in low-key misery, then keeps tapping]
[Alice enters with her usual flair]
ALICE
Good morning-brackets-night! How’re we hanging?
SAM
(not great) Great.
ALICE
Well, luckily your best friend in this or any other world, the one and only Alice Dyer, has bought you a fancy coffee and a discount pastry.
SAM
(struggling to play along) Not the Alice Dyer? From such hits as “well at least it wasn’t both legs” and “who needs grandparents anyway?”
ALICE
The very same! Here. Oat milk latte with hazelnut syrup – god’s final curse on a fallen world.
SAM
I’m telling you it’s nice.
ALICE
It’s chemical warfare waged upon the tongues of the foolish. Besides, I’m sweet enough already.
[Sam grudgingly chuckles.]
SAM
Clearly.
ALICE
And for a pastry you’ve got a choice of cinnamon swirl or pain au chocolat. Fair warning, they’re both a bit stale so there’s not much in it.
SAM
You don’t need to do this, you know. I’m fine.
ALICE
Oh really? Fantastic! You just spit that coffee back out then, and I can go get a refund.
[A long beat.]
ALICE
…I do get it. Facing your past is tough. Finding out there isn’t any past left to actually face… that’s even tougher.
SAM
Yeah.
ALICE
But at the end of the day, when all’s said and done, you just have to choose…
[She pauses dramatically]
ALICE
…Cinnamon swirl or pain au chocolat?
[Sam exhales. She got him!]
SAM
Cinnamon swirl. Please.
ALICE
Nah, you took too long. You get pain au chocolat.
SAM
(sarcastic) Curses!
[Alice hands him his pastry. Beat.]
ALICE
You actually wanted the pain au chocolat, didn’t you?
SAM
Eh, what can I say? You’re predictable.
ALICE
Dammit.
[They chuckle]
[Sam bites into his pastry. He sighs again.]
ALICE
They’re not that stale.
SAM
I can’t believe it all turned out to just be a waste of time.
ALICE
Oh yeah, massively pointless. Train tickets cost an arm-and-a-leg too.
SAM
Jesus, all right.
ALICE
What? You’re the one who says they don’t need empty platitudes. I thought I’d maybe try harsh truths.
SAM
Well, can you maybe try something else?
ALICE
Like changing the subject, maybe? Where are Celia and Gwen? I’ve got a mocha for Celia and I was really looking forward to pretending I “accidentally” forgot to order Gwen anything.
SAM
They’re not here yet.
ALICE
Did they call in?
SAM
I didn’t get anything. Might have gone through to Lena.
[Beat]
SAM
Hey, are you alright? You keep glancing at the door.
ALICE
Hm? Nah, i-it’s nothing.
SAM
It’s not nothing. You’re on edge.
ALICE
It’s stupid.
SAM
So?
ALICE
I just… I dunno! When I left the coffee shop, it felt like someone was following me.
SAM
What did they look like?
ALICE
Well. I didn’t actually see anyone, but – it wouldn’t be the first time. London’s creep central.
SAM
So how can you be sure you were followed if you didn’t see anyone?
ALICE
I’m… not sure? That’s why it’s bothering me so much.
SAM
Sounds like maybe you were more bothered by that “soggy ruin” than you admit.
ALICE
Don’t joke about that, mate. I was dreaming about it all day. It’ll be nothing. I’m just jumpy.
SAM
I could walk you home this morning if you’d like?
ALICE
…Yeah, actually. If you’re offering.
SAM
I am.
ALICE
Cool.
– ‘Cause I worry about you. You’re too delicate to be safe out there without me watching your back.
SAM
(amused) Of course.
ALICE
Anyway. You know what’ll take our minds off it?
SAM
Classifying unspeakable horrors all night for no discernible reason?
ALICE
You know it!
[Sam sighs, and hits a button]
CHESTER
To: Alison Leshi (G.Leshi@cornwallcouncil.gov.uk)
From: Gordon J (hello@padstowgroundworks.co.uk)
SAM
And we’re off…
CHESTER
Date: January 6th 2020
Subject: Re: Padstow civil cemetery exhumations
Hi Alison,
You asked for a quick email of confirmation when the work began, just to say everything has proceeded as anticipated. It’s taking longer than usual to dig due to the cold snap, but we’ve already accounted for that in our timelines. We also did some load testing of the ground near the cliff edge, and it looks like there’s only a few graves where the erosion means we won’t be able to use the Bobcat, and that’s few enough that my boys can do that by hand.
The first few days have gone smoothly, and several units have already been reinterred at Newquay with no problem. David, the medical examiner, seems happy enough with all the precautions we’re taking, and while we’ve certainly had our fair share of lookie-loos, there’s not been any sign of the protestors you were so concerned about stirring up. I guess it helps that no-one’s been buried here for over a hundred years, so it’s not like we’re pulling up granddad. The sailors sleeping here haven’t seen mourners since Queen Vic.
On a personal note, I’d just like to say thank you for using us to do this job. I know we can’t have been the cheapest company to put in a bid, but as local lads we’ve been coming to this graveyard all our lives (even if just to sneak some booze as stupid teenagers), and now that the cliff’s finally giving up the ghost (if you’ll pardon the pun), it feels right for us to be the ones to take it apart.
Anyway, let me know if you have any other questions. Otherwise, I’ll drop you a line in a couple of weeks when the job’s done.
Regards, Gordie.
To: Alison Leshi (G.Leshi@cornwallcouncil.gov.uk)
From: Gordon J (hello@padstowgroundworks.co.uk)
Date: January 12th 2020
Subject: Re: Exhumation pause
Hi Alison,
Bad news, I’m afraid. Well, odd news, at least. David suggested I keep updating you with what’s going on, as we’ve had to stop work for a day or two while an expert comes down. It shouldn’t impact the timetable too much, so the original budget should cover it, but we can discuss all that later.
I don’t know if you actually saw us retrieving any units during your visit the other day, but for context, the containers they’re buried in are of really varied quality. I’d say just under half were buried in decent coffins that are still in good enough shape to remove and transport unopened. For others though, the wood has rotted to the point where it’s pretty much impossible to keep the boxes together and some were just wrapped in oil cloth. This means we’re seeing, touching and moving a lot of human remains directly.
Don’t worry, this isn’t about a health and safety thing – we have all the right gear and David’s making sure we follow procedure. It’s just that one of the graves had a body that was too well-preserved for the age it should have been. Or at least, most of the skin was in extremely good condition. The back was completely covered in this… complicated tattoo of a ship, sailing across an open sea, towards an open horizon. It was really impressive.
Unfortunately, David thinks we need a second opinion and to run some tests to confirm that this body is as old as it should be, as obviously if it’s been buried more recently than 1908 then that technically makes the cemetery a crime scene, and we have to shut down for god knows how long.
I’ll be honest though, I’m glad of the break. Taking up all these graves is starting to get to me a bit. I almost feel sorry for doing it. The waves are so close and… getting closer. If I were a sailor buried here, I’d take some comfort in that.
(faster) As you can see I’m getting morbid. Short break will do us all some good, I think. Will update you when I hear word.
Regards, Gordie
To: Alison Leshi (G.Leshi@cornwallcouncil.gov.uk)
From: Gordon J (hello@padstowgroundworks.co.uk)
Date: January 14th 2020
Subject: Re: Exhumation pause
Alison,
Can you give David a nudge for me? He’s still working on that body we found and he’s stopped responding to my emails. I got him on the phone, but to be honest he doesn’t sound like he’s in any real rush to complete the job, and while he’s worrying about salt water and tattoos, we’re out here sat on our hands and I’m paying the lads by the day. It’s almost enough to make you dream of sailing away for real. Like that poor fella’s tattoo.
Saying that, I had another look at the photos David attached and I’m starting to think I might have been wrong about it. When I first looked, I thought it was hopeful, a crew sailing towards the sunrise, but – looking again, the sun is lower than I thought, and there’s a shape in the water behind the ship. I think they’re being chased by something.
Creepy, eh? Oh, and speaking of tattoos, you remember you wanted an update on local sentiment about the move? Well, I don’t know if this counts as “resistance” – hell, I don’t even know if they’re local – but there’s someone started poking around the site asking questions. Big snake tattoo up their arm and a bunch of other ink. Wouldn’t give their name, but claims to be a big deal “online”? Don’t really know what that means, but they’ve been asking questions about the body.
According to them, the tattoo is an “Oscar Jarrett,” and that’s a big deal to some folks in that community – something to do with Sutherland Macdonald, whoever that is? Dunno if that’s quite what you were worried about, but thought you’d want to know. They’re kinda giving the boys the creeps. We were thinking of calling the police if we saw them again, but I know you’re worried about backlash, so we’ll hold off doing that for now.
You should visit the site again when you get the chance. The salt air will do wonders for your mood. It’s weird, I’ve lived here all my life, but spending all this time out on the cliffs – it can still reach you, y’know? The waves crash so loud. You can hear them in your dreams.
G
To: Alison Leshi (G.Leshi@cornwallcouncil.gov.uk)
From: Gordon J (hello@padstowgroundworks.co.uk)
Date: January 16th 2020
Subject: Re: Re: Exhumation pause
I just wanted to reach out to offer my condolences. I don’t know how close you were to David, but this sort of thing always hits hard, even if it’s just a colleague. If it’s any consolation, he’s with the sea now. The deep will care for his bones.
G
To: Alison Leshi (G.Leshi@cornwallcouncil.gov.uk)
From: Gordon J (hello@padstowgroundworks.co.uk)
Date: January 17th 2020
Subject: Re: David’s passing
Dear Alison,
(very obviously sarcastic) I should first offer my formal apology. I was unaware that my emails were coming across as in any way unprofessional, and shall forthwith attempt to acquit my communications in a manner more becoming of one corresponding with a government official.
My thoughts and opinions on maritime matters will no longer be included in my emails. In addition, I should be most grateful if you could see fit to provide myself with appropriate authorisations to contact the medical examiner’s offices to follow up with the cadaver that has been causing such consternation.
Yours sincerely,
Gordon Alan Johnson
To: Alison Leshi (G.Leshi@cornwallcouncil.gov.uk)
From: Gordon J (hello@padstowgroundworks.co.uk)
Date: January 18th 2020
Subject: Re: Re: Re: David’s passing
Look, I was not “making fun of you” but I’m not sure what you want. I’m emailing an employer about my work and am getting accused of my emails being “unprofessional.” That’s the best I can manage. I haven’t been sleeping much recently. Weird dreams. Shapes in the water and that. And before you say that it’s “unprofessional” to tell you that, I’m just giving an explanation. That’s all.
I need you to contact the examiner again, he’s dragging his feet. Besides, I want to see the body again. I dug him up, he’s my responsibility. I just need to see it. I need to know what’s in the water.
To: Alison Leshi (G.Leshi@cornwallcouncil.gov.uk)
From: Gordon J (hello@padstowgroundworks.co.uk)
Date: January 20th 2020
Subject: Re: Examiner’s office break-in
It wasn’t me. I swear, it was that creep, the one with all the ink. They want to keep it for themselves.
I saw them. I saw them hanging around the office when I was waiting. Waiting so long just to see it, just to know what’s in the water. And they took it. They think they’re smart, but I saw them, I know where they’re staying, and if they think they deserve it they’re wrong. It belongs to the deep. I’m going to go get it, and I’m going to find it and if they try and stop me I swear the ocean will claim us all.
I can taste the salt and spray. It’s waiting in the water.
To: Alison Leshi (G.Leshi@cornwallcouncil.gov.uk)
From: Gordon J (hello@padstowgroundworks.co.uk)
Date: January 20th 2020
Subject: Re: Re: Examiner’s office break-in
There was a problem delivering your message to “hello@padstowgroundworks.co.uk.” This email address is no longer in service.
[Chester quiets with a beep]
SAM
Alice?
ALICE
Hm?
SAM
Is there a way to cross-reference cases?
ALICE
What do you mean?
SAM
I just got another case about tattoos.
ALICE
And? You already know the page to check the scores.
SAM
Yeah… but I just thought it might be worth noting somewhere that they might be linked. There’s this tattooist, and I think they might be –
ALICE
What have I told you about thinking?
[Sam sighs]
SAM
Don’t?
ALICE
That’s right.
[Alice sighs and swivels]
…I don’t think there’s any way to mark cases as connected. They all come in standalone, that’s just how it works.
SAM
Yeah. I get it.
ALICE
Besides, I thought we’d established that we aren’t interested in any more creepy (slowing, surprised) investiga…
[Hesitant footsteps into the room]
ALICE
Christ on a peddlebike, what happened to you?
GWEN
Tube was delayed. Points failure.
[She starts setting up her desk.]
ALICE
And that’s why you look like the “before” picture for a sleep clinic?
GWEN
I have been having some trouble sleeping. Not that it’s any of your concern.
ALICE
Oh, but I am concerned! So very concerned! I can’t decide if you look more like a bog witch with caffeine withdrawal or that Cheddar Gorge mummy.
[Beeping in background as Gwen sets up her workstation]
SAM
She’s allowed to be a bit tired, Alice. It’s fine.
ALICE
Whoa there, we talked about this Sam, no need to be so savage, we’re here to help! Now, Gwen, if you had to rate your mattress on a scale of 1 to that big medieval wheel they used to torture people with in –
GWEN
Can I please just get some work done, you –
[She stops abruptly.]
GWEN
(surprised) Hang on, did you get me a coffee?
ALICE
Uhh…
SAM
Yeah. You like mocha?
GWEN
Yes.
[She takes the coffee carefully.]
GWEN
…Thank you, Alice.
ALICE
I…
…Sure. Whatever. Don’t get used to it.
[A slightly awkward silence.]
GWEN
Is Lena in yet?
SAM
She went into her office about an hour ago. She hasn’t come out since. Why?
GWEN
Nothing. We need a… debrief on a meeting I had.
SAM
Right, well, I think –
[The door bursts open and CELIA hurries in.]
CELIA
Sorry, sorry! I know, I know – there was an emergency at home I had to – (gathering herself) I’m sorry I’m late.
GWEN
Do you have any idea what the time is?
ALICE
I’m sorry, are you joking right now?
GWEN
I have responsibilities now, Alice. I need more of an explanation than just a “home emergency.”
ALICE
You arrived literally one minute ago!
GWEN
And I gave a full explanation for my lateness. Which, I might add, I didn’t actually need to do for a subordinate.
CELIA
It’s fine, really…
ALICE
No, it’s not. You don’t owe her anything! In fact, you should take her coffee as reparation.
CELIA
(steady) One of my radiators sprung a leak and flooded the lounge.
GWEN
I see. Well, that’s understandable, but don’t let’s make a habit of it, shall we?
CELIA
Of course.
GWEN
See, that wasn’t so painful, was it Alice?
[Alice takes a breath for a devastating putdown –]
SAM
(quietly) Let it go.
[ALICE exhales and sips her coffee instead.]
GWEN
Luckily, I don’t think Lena’s noticed, so you should be okay. She’s not as laid back as I am.
[Alice chokes a little.]
CELIA
Good… to… know!
GWEN
Great, well if that’s everything, you all really should get to work, otherwise you’ll never get out of here. Don’t let me keep you.
ALICE
(muttered) I’d like to see you try.
GWEN
(already departing) I’ll be in Lena’s office if you need me.
[She walks off.]
CELIA
…You okay, Alice? It honestly doesn’t bother me.
ALICE
I can’t believe she drank your mocha!
[Beeping as we transfer to Lena’s landline]
[Typing noises]
[Gwen knocks, then immediately enters]
LENA
Ah. You’re back, I see. How did it go? I trust you were successful?
GWEN
What was that?
LENA
…Excuse me?
GWEN
What. The hell. Was. That.
LENA
Ah. Presumably you are referring to Mr Bonzo.
GWEN
(nervous giggle before she represses it) No. No, no. I watched Nigel’s SOS every week as a kid. I know Mr Bonzo. That thing was not Mr Bonzo.
LENA
I assure you that it was. He is one of our Externals.
GWEN
Mr Bonzo is a man in a big fat funny suit who pours green custard on celebrities. That… abomination, wasn’t a costume. That was skin. It was sagging, it was sweaty!
LENA
I’ll grant you that Mr Bonzo is one of our more… obviously grotesque Externals, but I assure you he is a valued asset.
GWEN
(quietly furious) I thought he was going to kill me!
LENA
But he didn’t, which means you’ve passed the first part of your probation. Congratulations.
Did you scream?
GWEN
What? No!
LENA
You should. It really helps one cope with the more… affronting aspects of the job. And they usually like it.
GWEN
What was in that envelope I gave him?
LENA
A name and an address.
GWEN
But for who?
LENA
(slower) I’m sure you’ve already worked that out. But just in case you haven’t, keep an eye on the case loads over the next few days. It should become abundantly clear.
GWEN
I don’t understand.
LENA
Yes, you do.
GWEN
…
But… why?
LENA
“Why” comes later. For now, it’s best you try to process the “what.” I’ll let you know when I have another liaison assignment for you.
GWEN
I… (a defeated breath) Okay.
[Gwen opens the door.]
LENA
Oh, and Gwen?
GWEN
Yes?
LENA
Get some sleep. You look dreadful.
[Door shuts.]
[Music]
ANNOUNCER
The Magnus Protocol is a podcast distributed by Rusty Quill and licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution Non-Commercial Sharealike 4.0 International License. The series is created by Jonathan Sims and Alexander J Newall, and directed by Alexander J Newall.
This episode was written by Jonathan Sims and edited with additional materials by Alexander J Newall, with vocal edits by Nico Vettese, soundscaping by Meg McKellar, and mastering by Catherine Rinella with music by Sam Jones.
It featured Billie Hindle as Alice Dyer, Shahan Hamza as Samama Khalid, Anusia Battersby as Gwen Bouchard, Lowri Ann Davies as Celia Ripley, Sarah Lambie as Lena Kelley, with additional voices from Jonathan Sims.
The Magnus Protocol is produced by April Sumner, with executive producers Alexander J Newall, Dani McDonough, Linn Ci, and Samantha F.G. Hamilton, and Associate Producers Jordan L. Hawk, Taylor Michaels, Nicole Perlman, Cetius d’Raven, and Megan Nice.
To subscribe, view associated materials, or join our Patreon, visit rustyquill.com. Rate and review us online, tweet us @therustyquill, visit us on facebook or email us at mail@rustyquill.com.
Thanks for listening.