ANNOUNCER
This episode is dedicated to Talia Lindner – This is dedicated to my friends and family for listening to me talk about the Magnus Archives for far longer than could be considered reasonable. I apologize in advance for what Magnus Protocol will do to me. You are the real heroes.
[Intro Theme]
ANNOUNCER
Rusty Quill Presents: The Magnus Protocol.
Episode Ten – Saturday Night.
[Music]
[The usual beeps and boops as the OIAR computer boots up…]
[Cheerful music is playing, and slowly fades out as TV host Geraldine starts laughing.]
GERALDINE
Now, I’m sure I don’t need to tell anyone what that little blast of 90s nostalgia was. “Mr Bonzo’s On His Way,” which topped charts for over eleven weeks –
NIGEL
(jokingly) Twelve.
GERALDINE
Twelve weeks, smashing the record for TV tie-in music and launching a merchandise empire. Well, today I’m here with the creator of Mr Bonzo and former host of “Saturdays on Six,” Nigel Dickerson.
NIGEL
It’s an absolute pleasure to be here, Geraldine. Nice to be on TV again.
GERALDINE
It has been a while, hasn’t it?
NIGEL
I’ve kept busy.
GERALDINE
So, twenty-five years since Mr Bonzo’s debut. Why don’t you tell us a little bit about how it all started?
NIGEL
(with odd energy) I mean, it started as a joke. Channel Six approached me in ninety-four to be the host and frontman of their Saturday night variety show. It was a risky move back then, of course – Channel Six had only existed for a year and I wasn’t exactly a household name. I mean, I was part of the BBC’s family programming, but I was hardly top of anyone’s list.
Still, “Nigel Dickerson presents Saturdays on Six,” or “Nigel’s SOS,” as they started calling it, really took off. I mean, at the end of the day it was still the same sort of variety show that BBC and ITV were running on Saturday primetime: skits, music, interviews, some on-location features. What marked us out, though, was that we didn’t take ourselves nearly as seriously as them. The whole conceit was that the set was built like an enormous comedy dungeon, and I’d been imprisoned by “Mr Six.”
GERALDINE
Mr Six?
NIGEL
Oh, he was our fictional head of Channel Six, and I had to do a good show so I’d be released.
[Canned laughter, which crops up again throughout the interview]
GERALDINE
(laughing, playing along) Oh, of course.
NIGEL
We had a lot of fun with it. At the top of each show I’d get a phone call from Mr Six, who was always very angry, and he’s say he’d gotten a complaint from some busybody writing in with a name like Mrs. Sourpucker or Mr Smallprick, and then I’d be told I had to do the whole show without… I don’t know, using the words “up next” or standing on one leg or something. And people loved it. They really loved it.
GERALDINE
And where did Mr Bonzo come into it?
NIGEL
(slight energy change) …Yes. Mr Bonzo. Of course.
Well, one of our big things was pranks. We had a whole section called “You Got Berried!” where we’d invite on some serious public figure and make them look a bit silly, like, uh, get a famous footballer to do a bunch of kick-ups but we’d weighted the ball, and at the end I’d come out, say “You Got Berried!” and give them this big golden raspberry trophy. It was all in fun, of course. No guests were hurt.
So, one day, my producer, Rich, had this fantastic idea. We do the whole schtick of inviting a famous person on, someone really serious, and we tell them we’re going to have them do a segment with a popular children’s entertainer. Now, obviously these folks won’t have any idea about what kids are actually watching, so we could come up with the most horrendous thing, claim kids loved it, and see how long it took for the guest to realize that they were the joke. That they’d been “berried.”
So I came up with this awful clown character – this big, bulbous, splotchy suit, running around, screaming his own name and generally being a nightmare.
GERALDINE
Who came up with the name “Mr Bonzo”?
NIGEL
You know, I honestly don’t remember. I know it wasn’t me or Rich, but at some point someone said it and the name just stuck. I don’t really know what else to say about it. His name is Mr Bonzo.
I remember the first show we used him. We’d invited Gotard Rimbaeu – the chef. He was very big at the time. Lots of TV appearances, a cooking column in The Times. But I think he was looking to soften his public image after the Mirror ran a story on him, I don’t quite remember…
GERALDINE
“BRITAIN’S SNOOTIEST CHEF.”
NIGEL
That was it. Yeah, after that he agreed to do a segment on our show teaching children how to cook. He’s obviously never seen the show and was completely oblivious to kids’ culture. He was absolutely perfect.
When Mr Bonzo emerged out of the pantry, the effect was… incredible. Rimbeau’s face went white and he looked like he was about to scream. I’ll be honest, I’d seen the suit already, but I hadn’t seen it moving, and it was even freaking me out a bit.
Rimbeau tried to keep it together, as far as he knew all the kids did love Mr Bonzo, but when that big rubbery clown started knocking over pans and smashing eggs all over the studio kitchen, the “snooty chef” actually tried to hide behind a shelving unit. And finally, when Mr Bonzo went in for a cuddle, Rimbeau genuinely attacked him with a frying pan. He actually broke the arm of the guy wearing him, which I took as my cue to enter with the Golden Berry. This was on live TV, don’t forget.
GERALDINE
Sounds like a disaster!
NIGEL
I thought so too. But according to our audience it was the best thing we’d ever done. Over the next week we got literally hundreds of letters demanding more Mr Bonzo.
GERALDINE
Even with a broken arm?
NIGEL
Well, there was a different man in the suit, of course. There were a few of them over the years. It was very physically demanding and that wasn’t the only injury we had with it. It actually became a sort of ritual: the newest member of the production crew wore Mr Bonzo until someone else joined.
GERALDINE
Or until they got hit by a pan!
[She laughs. Nigel doesn’t.]
NIGEL
Ha. Yes. Of course, the joke couldn’t last. The problem with a surprise prank is that doing it on Saturday night primetime means pretty soon everyone knows about it, and the guests knew it was coming. A couple even requested it. So the prank part of it sort of died, and he just became an SOS mascot. One of my many tormentors in the dungeon. By the end we’d even retired Mr Six, and it was all Bonzo.
GERALDINE
Clearly it was the right decision.
NIGEL
The kids certainly liked him. It turned out they really did think he was hilarious. Well, the ones who didn’t wet themselves, anyway.
[Geraldine chuckles.]
NIGEL
There was a pretty stark dividing line between the two. Soon it was Bonzomania: merch sales were through the roof; “underserving number one hit single” actually did become a number one hit single, and we even started construction on a small Bonzoland theme park at one point.
It was… It was a good time.
GERALDINE
(tonal shift) And then –
NIGEL
And then we all know what happened. People… stopped liking Mr Bonzo.
GERALDINE
If you don’t feel comfortable discussing Terrance Menki, we could move on to –
NIGEL
No, it’s fine.
You know it was only the last one, right? The one where he was caught? The police said there were eleven bodies in total and his wardrobe was full of all sorts of homemade costumes – who knows what he wore for the rest? But no. Because he was caught dressed as Mr Bonzo, that’s all people remember, the, uh, the…
GERALDINE
The “Bonzo Butcher.”
NIGEL
The Bonzo Butcher! (getting worked up) Ridiculous tabloid garbage. It didn’t even look like him! He got the colors backwards! But they still splashed the image all over the front page. Complete overreaction.
GERALDINE
An “overreaction”?
NIGEL
(calming himself down) No, I mean, uh, it was inappropriate. To show to the public, I mean.
GERALDINE
It certainly had a profound effect on the Mr Bonzo brand.
NIGEL
Bonzoland halted construction shortly afterwards, and the suits decided it was best to “temporarily” halt production on SOS.
GERALDINE
And how about you personally?
NIGEL
Well, of course I got death threats. We had nothing to do with it, obviously, but people can be very stupid about this sort of thing. Anyway, that was that – in the minds of the public, Mr Bonzo had been completely changed.
…I’m given to understand he’s still got some fans. In the, uh, edgier parts of the internet. As a “meme.”
GERALDINE
Yes, I was going to ask – Mr Bonzo merchandise is still on sale via your own website. Do you feel at all uneasy about that?
NIGEL
About what? The fact that a few sales might be from people trying to be edgy? A man’s got to make a living, Geraldine, and it’s not like I can tell if someone’s buying a t-shirt ironically. Besides, people think of Nigel Dickerson and Mr Bonzo is never far behind, so it’s not like its changing my reputation. In a lot of ways I’m more his prisoner now than I ever was on my show.
GERALDINE
And how do you respond to the more recent rumours?
NIGEL
(on guard) Excuse me?
GERALDINE
The witness statements from three murders over the last five years –
NIGEL
(louder, speaking over her) I told your producer this wasn’t going to be discussed.
GERALDINE
– that claim a person in a Mr Bonzo costume was at the scene? Do you think there could be a copycat?
NIGEL
(simultaneous, getting up) This interview is over. Don’t contact us again.
GERALDINE
Us?
NIGEL
(shouting) It was a joke, alright!? Mr Bonzo was meant to be funny, make people laugh! Is that so wrong? Why am I still trapped dealing with all this, this – Why won’t he let me go?! Why –
[The recording abruptly cuts out.]
[We’re back in the OIAR office, listening to typing noises]
[Double click, 8-bit fanfare]
[Silence from the rest of the office]
[A long sigh – Celia’s]
[Swivel chair wheels around for a bit before she gets up and walks over to the breakroom]
[Finally, footsteps:]
COLIN
Hello?
CELIA
(from the breakroom) Colin?
[She comes back into the room.]
COLIN
Sorry, don’t let me interrupt.
CELIA
It’s fine, just stuck the kettle on. You want a cup?
COLIN
No thanks. I’m cutting back on caffeine… (struggles)
CELIA
Celia.
COLIN
Celia. Right. Sorry.
CELIA
No problem – I’m still new.
COLIN
Where is everyone?
CELIA
Gwen’s on “assignment,” whatever that means. Alice and Sam are, uh, following up something from a case.
COLIN
(distracted) Right. Shame. Wanted Alice’s thoughts on something. You know anything about computers?
CELIA
Not really. Weren’t you on leave?
COLIN
For my brain, yeah. Didn’t work. Talked to three therapists. None of them even knew what a logic gate is. What the hell use is that going to be?
[He’s not angry – just flat, tired]
CELIA
I don’t know –
COLIN
None. I was just sat there twiddling my thumbs. Best thing for me is figuring this out.
CELIA
(unconvinced) Riiight.
COLIN
So the others are all gone out, right?
CELIA
Yeah, but –
COLIN
Great. That’ll make things easier.
[He sits at a desk; computer starts booting up]
COLIN
Maybe don’t tell them I’ve been on their terminals. They’ll only get the wrong idea.
CELIA
Uh… sure.
[Colin starts typing, a little breathless]
[A distant shriek from the kettle]
CELIA
Cool. Well, I think that was the kettle, so I’ll probably leave you to it.
COLIN
Yeah. Oh, and, uh, Celia?
CELIA
Mm?
COLIN
If Lena asks, I wasn’t here.
[He starts to pull open the active computer, muttering to himself]
CELIA
…Sure.
[She walks away]
[Phone dial-up noises]
[Cautious, ginger footsteps through the rain]
[A yelp from Alice – Sam catches her]
SAM
Careful.
ALICE
Yeah, well, that’d be easier if I wasn’t digging through a crumbling, rotten ruin in the rain.
SAM
And it’d be even easier if you stopped moaning and got on with actually looking around you.
ALICE
Touché. Although I’ll point out I still don’t haven’t any idea what we’re even looking for. Is it bad vibes? Because I think I have found them.
[Wood groans as she lifts up something – a plank?]
ALICE
Oh, no. False alarm. Just a dead rat. Lovely.
[The plank is dropped]
SAM
I’ll know it when I see it.
ALICE
Will you? Because that sounds very suspiciously like the kind of line someone says when they don’t know what they’re looking for. I honestly don’t know what you expect. It’s a ruin. Burned wood, collapsed rooms, rubble. It’s not exactly a treasure trove.
SAM
If you’re that bothered, you can head home. Don’t let me keep you.
ALICE
Sam, there is honestly nowhere I’d rather be than here with you.
And to be clear, I mean that in a profoundly depressing way. Like, it’s Saturday night and I’m choosing to hang out in a hole with you. A wet hole. And not the good kind, either.
SAM
(hesitant) Well, thanks, then, I guess.
ALICE
(mirroring his tone jokingly) Well, you’re welcome, then, I guess –
SAM
Hang on, what was that?
ALICE
(suddenly interested despite herself) What?
SAM
Turn back, shine your light over… Yes!
[He clambers over and starts wrestling with something]
ALICE
Wait, are you serious? We’re getting excited over that. It’ll be empty. And even if it isn’t, it’s rusted shut.
SAM
(straining pathetically) Which means I should be able to break the lock…
ALICE
And find a peer-reviewed paper on all the tetanus you’re going to get. You’re gonna cut yourself up for mulch.
[Whatever-it-is opens slightly with a grinding sound.]
SAM
Got it!
ALICE
So? Any life-changing revelations? Or…
SAM
(disappointed) Mulch.
ALICE
(enjoying herself) Mulch, that’s right.
SAM
Dammit!
[He kicks the thing. It clearly hurts.]
ALICE
You all right?
SAM
I’m fine!
…Ow.
ALICE
Look, Sam, you asked me to come and I came. I’m sorry that this isn’t the closure or whatever it was you were searching for, but I think you’re wasting your time. We’re just lucky this place hasn’t already collapsed on us.
SAM
I don’t feel lucky.
ALICE
That makes two of us.
Look, I get it, okay? It has some weird bits, I’ll grant you. That carved floor in the big atrium – I don’t know what’s going on with that. But whatever ghosts you’re hoping to bust? I don’t think they’re here.
…Sam.
SAM
Fine! Fine, let’s…
[He starts rummaging around]
ALICE
Seriously? I literally just talked you into leaving, please don’t now tell me you’ve actually found something that –
SAM
(yanking his hand out) Aha!
ALICE
(wearily) It’s a key.
SAM
Oh yeah. And you know what that means?
ALICE
Someone’s gym bag is getting really grim trapped in a locker somewhere?
SAM
(beseechingly) Aliiice.
ALICE
(wearily good-natured) Eurgh. Fine. 10 more minutes. And I’m keeping the umbrella.
[The TV flicks on]
[Outside, the doorbell rings]
[Shuffling noises as someone goes down the stairs]
[Another doorbell ring]
NIGEL
(to himself) Alright, I’m coming…
[He unbolts several locks]
[The door opens]
NIGEL
What?
GWEN
(checking papers) Uh – Nigel Dickerson?
NIGEL
Do you know what time it is?
GWEN
(primly) I’m here on behalf of the Office of Incident Assessment and Response.
NIGEL
(sharper) Oh?
GWEN
I have a message for you. I was told to deliver it personally. Here.
NIGEL
…I can’t.
GWEN
My instructions were very clear. Go to the home of Nigel Dickerson and hand over this envelope.
NIGEL
It’s not for me.
[Beat. He sighs.]
Come in. And wipe your feet.
[GWEN does so, closing the door behind her]
[NIGEL sighs again, then walks over and turns on an old hi-fi]
[“Mr Bonzo’s on His Way” starts playing]
NIGEL
I’m sorry about this.
GWEN
Uh… what?
[Nigel turns the music up]
[A wet, lumbering step on the staircase. Something is dragging itself down the stairs to meet them.]
GWEN
What is – Who…?
NIGEL
Try not to stare. He doesn’t like it when people stare.
[A final footstep.]
GWEN
(horrified) Oh my god!
MR BONZO
B-B-B-Bonzo Bonzo Bonzo!
[Mr Bonzo’s voice is so deep and grinding, it barely registers as a voice.]
NIGEL
Mr Bonzo, meet… I didn’t actually get your name. Probably for the best.
MR BONZO
BONZO BONZO BONZO!
NIGEL
(urgently) I said don’t stare!
[Gwen does not reply. It is clear she is trying not to hyperventilate.]
NIGEL
(to Bonzo, wearily) Looks like they’ve got another one for you. (to Gwen) Give it to him.
MR BONZO
BONZO!
GWEN
I… what?
MR BONZO
(more agitated) BONZO! BONZO!
NIGEL
The name, the address – tell him where to go.
GWEN
What? I don’t – (a different sort of horror) No one told me anything. Who’s in there?
MR BONZO
(growing angry) BOOONZOOO!
NIGEL
(starting to panic) What are you talking about? The envelope, just give him the envelope!
GWEN
C-can he read?!
NIGEL
Just do it!
[Gwen holds out the envelope and Mr Bonzo snatches it into his mouth, audibly chewing it.]
[His teeth are not soft.]
MR BONZO
(excited) BONZO! BONZO BONZO BONZO!
[Lumbering footsteps as the door is thrown open, and Mr Bonzo steps out]
NIGEL
(panting with relief) Oh thank god. That nearly went very badly.
GWEN
I… I don’t –
NIGEL
Tell the people who sent you, “you’re welcome. Again.”
GWEN
Ah – okay?
NIGEL
Now get out of his house.
[Somewhere, a tape recorder clicks on]
[Muffled noises of a thunderstorm, punctuated by trickling of water]
[A door rattles as someone tries to open it]
SAM
(muffled, from outside) You literally just saw me try.
ALICE
(muffled) I believed you couldn’t open it. That’s not the same as being locked.
SAM
(muffled, wearisome) Here we go again with the ickle, baby-shrimp Sam routine.
ALICE
(muffled) A) I have never called you a baby shrimp, but thanks for the idea. B) Shut up and try the key.
[Key slots in and rattles ineffectively]
ALICE
(muffled) Well, we tried. Come on.
SAM
(muffled) Hang on, the wood here’s pretty rotten. I think…
[With a wet crack, the wood around the lock breaks and it collapses inwards. A thump.]
SAM
Ha! Suck it!
ALICE
That really hurt, didn’t it?
[Sam shifts in the sharp woodpile.]
SAM
Maybe.
ALICE
C’mere.
[She helps him up and they pick rotten wood off him.]
ALICE
So much for your key.
SAM
We’re here, aren’t we?
ALICE
And where is here exactly?
SAM
Someone’s office, I guess? Looks like it held up better than the rest…
ALICE
(picking something up) Who do you reckon Archie was?
SAM
Huh?
ALICE
I found one of those old-timey name block things.
SAM
Uh… Archipelago?
ALICE
I’m sorry, what?
SAM
What?
ALICE
You’re just going to skip straight to “Archipelago”? Not, I don’t know, architect? Archive?
SAM
I mean, there are books, I suppose…
[He picks one up. A mushy sound.]
SAM
(disappointed) There were books, anyway.
ALICE
Nice chair. I could look real ominous swiveling in that thing.
SAM
I wouldn’t risk it. Not unless you want woodworms up your butt.
ALICE
Ew. That explains the pattern on the floor.
SAM
Oh yeah… What is that?
ALICE
Worm tracks. Or, y’know, (putting on a Voice) symbols of ancient otherworldly power. One or the other.
SAM
Look, you can be creeped out or sarcastic but not both.
ALICE
Watch me.
[Footsteps as Sam moves closer]
[The wooden floor creaks ominously]
ALICE
Careful…
SAM
(turning) Oh thank goodness you said that otherwise I would’ve jumped up and down the dangerous –
[The floor breaks.]
SAM
(falling) Oh shi–!
[Alice catches him and pulls him back]
[A distant splash; something fell]
[Sam gasps in relief. But then:]
SAM
I dropped the key!
ALICE
What was that? Because it sounded a lot like, “I’m sorry, Alice, you were right. We should head back now before I get myself killed falling into a soggy pit. Gosh you’re sexy, here’s a twenty for your trouble.”
SAM
We can’t! This is the first clue we’ve found!
ALICE
Clue? What clue!? It’s a hole, Sam. It’s a dark and manky hole in a dark and manky office in a dark and manky building riddled with bugs and god knows what else. I’m sorry, but enough. This isn’t some grand clue to your childhood. It’s a hole. Time to go, Sam.
[Sam lets out a long, defeated breath.]
ALICE
…I am sorry. I know you got your hopes up.
SAM
No, you’re right. I don’t know what I’m looking for. I have… I have memories of weird stuff I saw here, but no context. I want to know what was happening, why they chose us… why they didn’t choose me. Maybe find the bit where everything started to go wrong.
But… it’s too late. And now… I’m the only one left who cares.
ALICE
I care.
– Not a lot, mind, don’t flatter yourself. But the truth is, closure’s for movies, mate. All we get is manky holes.
[Beat]
SAM
(cracking a smile) You know there’s a cream for that.
ALICE
(warmly) There’s my baby shrimp.
SAM
(sighing) Come on, let’s get out of here before we fall into what I’m starting to think might be a cesspit.
ALICE
Oh, I thought that was you! I figured you’d messed yourself when you fell.
SAM
Charming.
[They start walking away, voices fading]
ALICE
I calls it as I smells it. Now, as fun as it is being moments away from getting our own creepy case, I could really do with a drink. You think that pub we passed is still open?
SAM
It’s Manchester, so yeah, probably. Whether they’ll serve us when we smell like a dead fox is another matter…
[The voices finally disappear, lost to the distance and the rain]
[A long silence as the tape keeps running and the water is gently disturbed below]
[Then there is a thud on wood, and the rattle of a padlock.]
[The distinct sound of a key being dragged across wood, then fumbled in a lock which finally clicks]
[The trap door creaks open]
[[ERROR] emerges and takes a shuddering breath.]
[Then another. And another.]
[Click.]
[Music]
ANNOUNCER
The Magnus Protocol is a podcast distributed by Rusty Quill and licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution Non-Commercial Sharealike 4.0 International License.
The series is created by Jonathan Sims and Alexander J Newall, and directed by Alexander J Newall. This episode was written by Jonathan Sims and edited with additional material by Alexander J Newall, with vocal edits by Lowri Ann Davies, soundscaping by Tessa Vroom, and masting by Catherine Rinella, with music by Sam Jones.
It featured Billie Hindle as Alice Dyer, Shahan Hamza as Samama Khalid, Anusia Battersby as Gwen Bouchard, Ryan Hopevere-Anderson as Colin Becher, Lowri Ann Davies as Celia Ripley.
The Magnus Protocol is produced by April Sumner, with executive producers Alexander J Newall, Dani McDonough, Linn Ci, and Samantha F.G. Hamilton, and Associate Producers Jordan L. Hawk, Taylor Michaels, Nicole Perlman, Cetius d’Raven, and Megan Nice.
To subscribe, view associated materials, or join our Patreon, visit rustyquill.com. Rate and review us online, tweet us @therustyquill, visit us on facebook or email us at mail@rustyquill.com. Thanks for listening.