| MAG Twilight Abyss - Part 3 | The Magnus Archives on Acast |
JONNY
Hello everyone, it’s Jonny! Welcome back to our interim gaming adventure, the title of which I have definitely remembered because we are recording this all in one long session, definitely, haven’t had any sort of technical break.
LYDIA
No one’s computer’s motherboard died in the middle of an episode, what? What? That didn’t happen.
LOWRI
I don’t know what you’re talking about!
JONNY
Yeah, so, love to continue… exactly from where we left off, with nobody misremembering any details.
BEN
S-something about an abyss?
JONNY
Yeah, there was the – it was “The Twilight Abyss”?
[CROSSTALK]
LOWRI
It was “Before the Twilight of the Blind Abyss.”
LYDIA
“Before the Twilight of the Abyss”…
JONNY
[repeating] “Before the Twilight” –
BEN
“The Blinding Abyss.”
LOWRI
Oh, “Blind-ing.”
JONNY
Right, “The Blind Abyss”! “The Blind” – yeah, yeah, cool.
[BEAT]
So welcome back!
LYDIA
Any continuity errors are actually –
BEN
Very clever and you just didn’t get them.
LYDIA
[simultaneously] A darkness in the fabric of being, ripping through, uh, reality!
JONNY
Exactly. So! As we’ve mentioned, I’m Jonny, your GM, and who do we have just talking nonsense?
BEN
[slurring his words] Um, I’m Ben, listen to Stellar Firma and Rusty Quill Gaming –
JONNY
Stop that. Who’re you playing?
BEN
What?
JONNY
Stop, stop plugging and tell me who you’re playing!
BEN
I’m Ben. Nub – Gub – Gavin Crumble.
JONNY
Gavin Crumble. And, uh, Lydia, who are you?
LYDIA
I’m, I’m Lydia. [laughs] I, I’m also in, uh, Magnus and Rusty Quill Gaming, which is good? I’m assured? By objective people that aren’t in it?
[EVERYONE LAUGHS]
That’s not true, I don’t know anyone that’s not in it. We all are bit parts in Alex and Jonny’s dances. And I’m playing Freddie! Who… is a Himbo. So I can’t remember the voice, so it’s gonna be, uh, [a little more Welsh than usual] this, now. Um, I’m Freddie,
JONNY
Oh crumbles, what did Freddie sound like?
LOWRI
No, we can’t have two Welsh people –
LYDIA
That’s more W – that’s more… I suppose I’m thinking more of the family I’ve got in Wrexham, where it’s kind of like, on the edge of Welsh. [annoyed growl]
LOWRI
Just say Mr Crumble a few times, Freddie!
JONNY
Was it kind of deep? You were like…
LYDIA
[so deeply their voice scrapes] Oh, I’m Freddie! I don’t know!
[EVERYONE BURSTS INTO LAUGHTER]
LOWRI
Oh God no.
BEN
Oh, I like that, keep that.
LOWRI
Oh, no.
LYDIA
[slightly less deep] ‘Ello, I’m Freddie! Um, okay, this will be Freddie. Uh, I’m actually kind of doing an impression of that dog, that’s very famous on TikTok. Hello! Uh…
JONNY
What, there’s a TikTok dog?
LYDIA
Yeah! He opens his mouth and it looks like he’s talking, yeah.
JONNY
[over Lydia] Jeez, what do the children do on there? There’s a TikTok dog.
LOWRI
[laughing] I’m just gonna gently highlight that we’re four minutes in and we’ve yet to introduce four people.
JONNY
[in pain] It’s fine. It’s fine.
LYDIA
[practising] Hello, I’m Freddie…
JONNY
Lowri. Who are you?
LOWRI
Hello, I’m Lowri, and I edit Gaming, and I produce Magnus Archives, and I’m playing Ms Pledge. [in Ms Pledge’s voice, soft, pleasant] And she’s, she’s Old As Balls and very Welsh, and very – very invested in Freddie’s future? And that he goes full time. Soon. Which he has been promised.
LYDIA
[as Freddie] I think Mr, Mr Calcifer, sir, he did promise that.
LOWRI
There he is!
LYDIA
[as Freddie] So it will definitely happen. Definitely. I mean, he didn’t say it in as many words, he just made – there was a feelin’, you know?
BEN(?)
Did he chuckle ominously, and you were like, [snaps fingers] “That’s what that means.”
LYDIA
[as Freddie] That’s a good – that’s a good sign. That is definitely a good sign, that chuckle.
[AS LYDIA IS SPEAKING THE SFX OF SLYDE WORLD BUILDS OVER HER WORDS – WATER SOUNDS AND FAINT SCREAMS COME INTO FOCUS]
LOWRI
Yes.
JONNY
You awake! Atop the pump room in Slyde World, feeling like something slightly weird and slightly wrong has gone on with the world, as though everything has shifted slightly.
[LYDIA BURSTS INTO LAUGHTER]
And any inconsistencies are to be put down to the leaking-in of cosmic space fabric, into otherwise very normal chlorinated water.
GAVIN
Oh, I swear my shirt used to be white, not purple, but uh…
MS PLEDGE
It’s a good look on you, Gavin!
FREDDIE
Does my hair still look good?
LYDIA
Uh, Freddie mumbles nervously at Ms Pledge.
MS PLEDGE
Freddie, of course it does, my love.
FREDDIE
Phew.
JONNY
But your contemplation of changes in shirt color and/or voices is broken!
[LAUGHTER]
By the sound of a baby crying. And you remember that a small baby that –
[MORE LAUGHTER]
Whose parent you, you cannot remember… at all. As far as you’re aware this, this baby must have bought their own ticket, and that seems normal to you. This baby is on a… like, a bench, like a wooden bench. You know, one of them slide park wooden benches that you get. And the flood of pitch black water, that occasionally you can see glimmers of stars in, is starting to rise. Going up and up towards this, this baby.
LYDIA
Is the door that we came out of onto the roof… rip-off-able?
JONNY
It was a trapdoor.
LYDIA
A trapdoor. Is that rip-off-able? Could it be surfed?
JONNY
Yeeees. Ooh. There isn’t really – like, there are, there isn’t really much in the way of waves, currently, in the cosmic –
LYDIA
But the momentum that one might gather from running across the roof, jumping off, and then jumping onto the surfboard and skimming –
JONNY
I will say Freddie does not know enough to know that that is not possible.
LYDIA
Right, yes, but I can declare a lack of understanding gives me immunity to things harming me.
JONNY
Yeah, you can –
LYDIA
I absolutely cannot remember the rules.
BEN
Oh yeah, there’s dice.
JONNY
It’s roll 2d6.
BEN
Also, Beach Boys intensifies.
JONNY
We’re in Dorset, aren’t we.
BEN
[singing] Everybody’s surfing!… Surfing Dorset.
JONNY
I spent my first 18 years in Dorset. You, you – nobody surfs in Dorset. Or at least if they do surf in Dorset, like –
[OUTRAGED CROSSTALK]
LYDIA
Loads of people do, Jonny!
BEN
Uh, they, uh, wind –
LOWRI
Yeah.
LYDIA
I went to Poole Harbour –
BEN
Yeah, windsurfing in Poole Harbour –
LYDIA
Several times – exactly.
BEN
I love it.
LYDIA
Several times a year –
JONNY
Okay, windsurfing, windsurfing. Fair enough.
BEN
[slow, contemptuous] How are you even from Dorset?
JONNY
Like I, I lived 10 minutes from Bournemouth Beach, and like, if you saw people trying to surf it was like – it was –
LYDIA
No, but windsurfing.
JONNY
It was a bit of a sad affair? You know?
LYDIA
Windsurfing around Poole Harbour is pretty fun.
JONNY
Yeah, okay, no, windsurfing, yeah.
BEN
Pretty sure I saw some people try surfing on Shell Bay. Didn’t go well for them. But they tried!
JONNY
Yeah, okay, I’m not saying – alright, I’m not saying people don’t try to surf –
LYDIA
People can paddleboard! People can paddleboard wherever!
JONNY
I’m just saying that, like, if your image of surfing is, like, cool? Uh, that is not the surfing you will find in Dorset.
LYDIA
Yeah, well, Freddie thinks that he looks cool, and so he rolls…
JONNY
Well, I mean, let’s find out!
LYDIA
He rolls 2d6?
JONNY
You’re gonna need… I would say a 10 but you’ve got – Himbo will work for you here, so uh, you’ll need an eight.
LYDIA
Yeah, it doesn’t really matter, because I got three.
LOWRI
Oh God. Oh no.
JONNY
You got three! Brilliant.
LYDIA
Rips the trapdoor off, leaps off the roof, have it – well, runs along – the swell of the Baywatch theme… there’s an echo…
JONNY
It’s, it’s –
LYDIA
It’s obviously in a minor key, because –
JONNY
It’s very moving.
LOWRI
It’s Ms Pledge. She’s got a lovely voice, she’s Welsh.
[LAUGHTER]
BEN
She loves the Baywatch theme, what, “In the Valleys”?
JONNY
I miss the Baywatch theme. I keep trying to have it in my head and all I can hear is like the Chariots of Fire, like, “ba ba ba ba ba”…
LYDIA
Me too!
BEN
Because they r – they run slowly, right, so that’s Chariots of Fire! That’s the slow run song!
LYDIA
Yes!
JONNY
It’s doo-doo-doo, doo-doo-doo. Doo-doo-doo, doo-doo-doo.
LYDIA
[gasping for breath] Freddie, Freddie – Freddie jumps –
BEN
It sounds like you’re doing the A-Team theme badly!
LYDIA
And now I’ve got the Red Dwarf theme in my head because that is the only thing I know that goes slowly!
JONNY
Okay, we’re gradually – we’re gradually progressing through, uh, Freddie’s action. He’s currently mid-air.
LYDIA
Yeah. Well, this is the problem, though – is that momentum doesn’t seem to quite work. He’s got the wrong tune in his head, the rhythm’s off.
JONNY
So the door hits the water and for a second, Freddie’s like, I’m doing it. I’m doing it. I’m doing it! But then the door sort of starts to slide down into the water, and then your feet, and then your legs, and then…
[SFX: WATER SOUNDS GROW MORE AGITATED, OMINOUS]
FREDDIE
I’ll never let go!
LYDIA
– He says.
JONNY
By the time, uh, by the time you reach the bench with the baby, it’s just your upper torso that, like, is gripping onto –
LYDIA
Paddleboarding!
JONNY
Oh yeah, he’s gripping onto the, the edge. The baby is there, right in your face, and the entire lower part of your body is currently dangling into the unending cosmos.
LYDIA
Okay!
JONNY
It’s pretty cold. I’m gonna say you are taking two hit points of damage.
LYDIA
Oh cool, I’ve got… five hit points. So that’s… now I’m on three.
JONNY
As far as you two are concerned, Freddie never had legs?
BEN
Freddie was also – [corrects himself] Al-always –
JONNY
Just a torso.
BEN
Just an upper torso, yeah.
JONNY
The baby is currently crawling towards you, Freddie, looking curious as though it’s, it’s interested in your face.
FREDDIE
[distressed] Come on, baby, how did you get a ticket? You won’t be able to go on any of the rides!
JONNY
Ms Pledge, what are you doing watching Freddie struggle?
LOWRI
I think that she’d just probably shout –
MS PLEDGE
Freddie boy! Pull yourself onto the bench!
LOWRI
Because I haven’t got my mop anymore, do I try and help? I have nothing!
JONNY
No, your mop is actually, as far as I recall, one of the things that caused this issue.
LOWRI
[as Ms Pledge] I was defendin’ my boy!
BEN
[as Gavin] If you just listened to the authority figure in the room, this would have been fine.
LOWRI
[as Ms Pledge] Oh shut up, Gavin!
LYDIA
[as Freddie] You mean Mr Calcifer? He’s always the authority.
JONNY
Is Gavin Crumble doing anything? Or is Gavin also simply watching an unfurling disaster?
BEN
Ga… Gavin really wants to get back to his van to report this. Because he doesn’t know how to handle abyss floods, and he’s pretty sure Head Office might have an idea, they’ve probably got something in the handbook? So he just – he just really needs to get back to his van! So he’s going to look for routes to, to do that.
JONNY
Yeah, you can probably, uh… Like, it’ll be, like, hopping over rooftops and the occasional awning. You can see that the edge of Slyde World has not quite been reached by the flood yet.
BEN
Okay!
JONNY
So your – your van should be fine.
BEN
Alright.
JONNY
If you can get to it.
BEN
Okay, uh, and I’m gonna say I am motivated, uh, by a cold fury of these two individuals, who…
JONNY
But just to be clear, you are leaving Freddie to die.
BEN
Well, no! As far as I’m aware Freddie’s fine, because Freddie never had the rest of his body? So he’s not in peril, he’s just –
JONNY
Okay! No, that’s – I mean he does – his face is – [struggles] you know what?
BEN
Covered in baby sick?
JONNY
Oh yeah, you’re quite right, the baby has been sick on your face.
LYDIA
Oh, okay!
JONNY
Well, not like fully sick, just like spit up a bit.
LYDIA(?)
It’s a stressed baby! That’s what they do, you know? It’s –
JONNY
Oh no, the baby seems fine. The baby seems very happy.
BEN
So there you go, so, so Freddie’s just babysitting a pretty chill baby on a bench.
JONNY
Okay!
BEN
So yeah.
JONNY
So to make your own way back, I will say that’s a… an 8 difficulty. I will give you Analytical, though, because it’s very much like plotting out your – have you ever done this? I mean it’s like… [pause] I always have this thing when I’m traveling around like I’ll, I’ll imagine that gravity has changed direction? And then I’ll, like, plot out routes, like how I would go down a street if gravity’s do – do you not do this? Is this, is this…
LOWRI
I’ve never done that, but I think I might start doing it now.
JONNY
[softly] No? Okay.
BEN
I have done, but not, like, as a matter of course.
JONNY
[stuttering] Well, I mean, look – no, okay, it’s not – it’s not something I do every day, it’s just – it’s just sometimes, innit? It’s just – yeah… Anyway, you’re just basically playing, uh, the floor is cosmos.
BEN
Yeah.
JONNY
So, uh, yeah, make me your roll.
BEN
Right. I rolled a… uh-oh.
JONNY
[evil laughter]
BEN
And four.
JONNY
And four. Okay, you make it. I’m gonna say, like, at one point your leg slips, briefly goes into the unending black abyss of space, uh, it gets a bit chilly but you pull it back out, so I’m gonna say you lose one hit point.
BEN
Okay.
JONNY
You reach your van, but as you do, the black waters are starting to lap at its tires.
BEN
I’m flicking through the health inspection handbook for any, any, uh, like, emergency protocols for abyss floods.
JONNY
What letter are you looking under?
BEN
[pause] F, for flood.
JONNY
F for flood. Uh, okay you know this qu – it’s quite a comprehensive, I mean, there’s a very comprehensive section on “flood.” Generally the advice is to, first off, turn it off at the source.
BEN
Okay.
JONNY
And then look into… most parts should have drainage, so if it’s not draining away you probably want to look into, uh, what might be blocking the drainage systems. But mostly it – the, the advice is “stop water coming out, drain off water, and then analyze the system for the initial problem.”
BEN
Okay. All right! Uh, well, I’m gonna have a rifle through the back of my van, and uh… Ooh, no.
LYDIA
You can use your superpower, right?
LOWRI
Yeah.
BEN
Well, yeah, I can get mundane equipment. I can get specialized equipment for… by spending an HP, and I only have three HP left. So… that’s the heart of the matter.
JONNY
It’s a hard choice, innit?
BEN
Um, uh, well, would I be able to find some sort of – ‘cause I’m aware the, the, the flood is miserable in some ways.
JONNY
Yes.
BEN
It’s not something I want to get on me. It’s very cold. So some sort of, like, I’ve got like a long, grabby, articulated stick for like, sort of, getting it –
JONNY
I’ll, I’ll say you have a grabby stick. Uh, I wouldn’t make you spend a hit point for a grabby stick.
BEN
I suppose it’s quite mundane, yeah.
LYDIA
I’ve got three with me right now!
BEN
Uh, so I’ll get a grabby stick as the thing.
JONNY
One thing I will say you do notice is things don’t seem to have a problem floating on top of this darkness.
LYDIA
Well, I did!
JONNY
Oh! Well, no, yeah, it’s – it’s – it seems to be anything submerged in the dark water falls through.
BEN
Okay, in which case I would like to spend a hit point to have an inflatable life raft.
LYDIA(?)
[cheering] Yes!
JONNY
I will say… okay, let me… You cannot have a life raft. You can have two life rings.
BEN
Oh, blimey. [resigned] Yeah, all right, I’ll take it.
[CACKLING]
LYDIA
You’re gonna have to sit in it, in that kind of thing with your bum sitting in the middle!
BEN
Yeah, my bum’s gonna be really cold.
JONNY
And you – you also have some paddles. You also have some paddles.
BEN
[emotional] For my life rings! What a sensible thing to pack!
[LAUGHTER]
BEN
Okay, I’m on two hit points. Okay. Yeah! So I – I guess, like, there’s a moment of quiet as I’m doing the things, and then I burst out the back of the van, to the A-Team theme, of course. And I’m like – yeah, sort of kneeling on a life ring, with another life ring, like, gripped in my teeth because they have the little ropes on them to grab them. And I’m paddling with two hands, with each paddle.
JONNY
Okay! Uh, behind you, the van sinks into the spilling abyss.
BEN
Aw… [evidently searching for a family-friendly word] …beans.
MS PLEDGE
Well done, Gavin!
LOWRI
– Shouts Ms Pledge from the roof.
JONNY
Uh, Ms Pledge, what have you been doing this whole time?
LOWRI
Ms Pledge has actually been inspired by Gavin.
JONNY
Mhm.
LOWRI
We’re in a water park! There must be dinghies around! Ms Pledge knows this park like the back of her hand, she’s gonna try and find a dinghy.
JONNY
Yup. There aren’t any dinghies but you do know where the gift shop is, and the gift shop sells all sorts of, like, inflatable stuff for children? Like water wings and that sort of thing.
LOWRI
Flamingos? Inflatable flamingos. You know, like the –
JONNY
Yes. Absolutely.
LOWRI
Like the rings you said with the –
JONNY
Absolutely.
[LAUGHTER]
LOWRI
Sorry! Horror. I forgot.
LYDIA
They’re spooky flamingos, it’s fine.
JONNY
I will – I will allow you to make your way down to the gift shop and get yourself an inflatable flamingo. It will cost you a hit point, though, largely because you will be partially in the, the dark freezing void of space.
LOWRI
Ms Pledge will do that for Freddie. [beat] She doesn’t care about the baby, just to be clear. For Freddie.
BEN
Okay, to be fair on the flamingo, we are in that – we are firmly into that element of horror that’s like, the absurdity of the mundane on the backdrop of everything.
JONNY
Yes, a – absolutely. Absolutely.
LOWRI
Nothing says mundanity like a inflatable flamingo.
BEN
[cheering] Inflatable flamingo!
[LAUGHTER]
BEN
And Dorset.
JONNY
And Dorset. Dorset is the the most munda – so, uh, Freddie, the dark waters are starting to creep up over the top of the the bench.
LYDIA
Oh dear!
JONNY
The baby’s there, it’s like – it doesn’t really care. What are you doing?
LYDIA
Freddie’s pulling himself onto the bench.
JONNY
Yep, I’ll allow you to do that.
LYDIA
Okay, cool. And, uh, Freddie is, uh, grabbing the baby and looking around for anything that he might jump onto. Is there… any, anything? Even a light pole?
JONNY
There’s Gavin approaching… quite speedily.
LYDIA
Okay, that’s – that’s cool!
JONNY
[snickering] With some life rings.
LYDIA
Will blow the whistle in order to attract attention.
JONNY
Okay. All right!
LYDIA
And maybe to inspire everyone to, to confidence and action, you know? Whistles are good for that.
JONNY
Okay! Uh, so I will judge that you regroup to the sound of a very loud whistle. Each with your own sort of…
LYDIA
Blowing the Chariots of Fire thing.
[SFX: WHISTLE WITH HUMMING VAGUELY REMINISCENT OF THE CHARIOTS OF FIRE THEME]
BEN
[gasping with laughter] But – but – does the whistle modulate tone, or is it just [flat] “BA BA BA BA BAAAA BAAAA”…
LYDIA
Yeah, it’s pretty much like that, yeah.
[SFX: THE WHISTLE PERFECTLY MIMICS BEN WITH A “BA BA BA BA BAAAA BAAAA”]
[BACKGROUND LAUGHTER]
LYDIA
[completely unrepentant] Jonny, I’m sorry I ruined your horror.
JONNY
What – [affecting a tired, flat tone] Lyd, how am I meant to maintain a steady tone of dread when there are jokes happening. I’ll, I’ll ask you to keep your jokes to your own podcast, please.
BEN
He put a blasé baby on a bench, to be honest, so… Jonny started it.
JONNY
I… I don’t know what you’re talking about.
BEN
This is the coolest baby I’ve ever met.
JONNY
It’s like, like Lowri said, I want serious horror, all three episodes, uh, and I feel like I’ve delivered?
LOWRI
Oh, note taken, thank you.
LYDIA
I mean, to, to add a modicum of… a pallor of… a shade of… darkness to the proceedings, Freddie does yell for Mr Calcifer.
LOWRI
Aw…
FREDDIE
Mr Calcifer! You – you said this was a good park!
JONNY
You can see, if you look over towards, like, the balcony next to his office,
[SFX: CACKLE]
A dark, stick-thin figure is overlooking the unfolding carnage.
FREDDIE
What do we do, Mr Calcifer?
LYDIA
It’s… it’s now become sad, I know, it’s…
JONNY
You can hear, just distantly on the breeze,
MR CALCIFER
[cackling] You learn to swim.
FREDDIE
Oh, right, that does actually sound like useful advice, I see that. [to himself] Oh, dear.
JONNY
So what’s your next move?
BEN
Uh, well, I’ll – if you said we’ve regrouped, I’ll throw Freddie a life ring and a paddle!
JONNY
So I’ll, I’ll judge you all now have, broadly speaking, the ability to move throughout this flooding park, though Freddie is clutching a baby.
LYDIA
And – and sad.
JONNY
And sad. And sad. The betrayal of everything he stood for, which was a water park.
GAVIN
[his voice a little more pompous/radio-announcer-like than usual] So the, the health inspector’s manual recommends that we, we find the blockage and clear it! It seems the water isn’t draining away, which is a problem, I don’t know why I’ve become a man from the radio!
JONNY
I mean, Ben, in a very literal way you are a man from the radio.
LYDIA
You are. You, you have been a man from the radio for so many –
BEN
[regretting life decisions] That’s very true.
FREDDIE
Yeah, well, I – I don’t know. Ms Pledge, you would know, you know the park like the back of – where is the big drain?
MS PLEDGE
The big drain! It’s by Fluttery Bye-Byes! You know, the kids are sick a lot, so we need the… “quick exit” there.
[BEAT]
Yes, you’re right, it must be blocked. Come on, let’s go!
GAVIN
I have my regulation drain grabber.
MS PLEDGE
Oh, good, because I’ve lost my mop.
FREDDIE
And I’ve got a baby!
GAVIN
[immediate] Oh, congratulations!
JONNY
So you – yeah, you can paddle over to, uh, Fluttery Bye-Byes, not – not to be confused with Buttery Fly-Bys.
LYDIA
No. Other side of the park!
JONNY
Yeah, absolutely. Lowri, could you – could you describe Fluttery Bye-Byes for me, because I believe it was your… you were the one that invented it. Or was it –
LOWRI
Oh no, I invented the Toilet Bowl. [giggling all around] But I believe Fluttery Bye-Byes was the, the ride that shoots the children in inflatable rings, that have wings on them that don’t make them any more aerodynamic – in fact, makes them spin a lot, hence the vomit, hence the need for the drain.
JONNY
Right. Right. Okay, so at the moment, uh… So you approach and as you do, you can see children in inflatable rings, just being fired up and like – and like, skirting atop this dark black abyss. And there’s just this sort of collection of floating, slightly confused children just off to one side, about 10 of them, just sort of rotating slowly.
LOWRI
I mean, I’m not – I’ve got no time for them.
MS PLEDGE
We’re heading straight for the drain! It’s over here!
JONNY
Okay, as you approach, uh, the large drain you can see – there’s a glow starting to come up from below the pitch black waters.
FREDDIE
Now, I can tell you that wasn’t here before! I am pretty sure that, that, that that was not – I have cleaned out this drain a lot of times. As Ms Pledge says, there is a lot of sick.
JONNY
It is, it’s like an eldritch purple glow. You – you know, you know the eldritch purple, right? You know the eldritch purple.
[AFFIRMATIVE NOISES FROM EVERYONE ELSE]
JONNY
It’s glowing the eldritch purple, in a intricate, star-like pattern. [pause] I mean – it’s pret – it’s quite pretty, you know? You’re looking, you’re like “Mm, nice.” But it does look like it is stopping any water from, from draining out.
BEN
Yeah, I’ll fish, uh, sort of a little – a little tape-based dictophone out of my pocket. Click the record button, and go,
GAVIN
[overlaid by tape sound effect] Health inspector’s log, health date: Wednesday!
[LAUGHTER]
GAVIN
It appears that there’s some sort of glowing foreign object blocking the drain that’s causing the flood. So I’m going to attempt to unblock it now.
BEN
And I’ll – I’ve got my little grabber. I’m gonna poke it – poke it into the water and try and dislodge the purple blockage.
JONNY
Okay, well, so as you do you feel like an ice-cold shock, like, halfway between ice and electricity, sort of jolt up your arm. Could you make me a roll to see if you drop your grabber?
BEN
Uh, yes, although I would say that I am following all of the correct procedures and regulations so I would like to invoke Bureaucrat, because I’m… I’m very much just doing my job.
JONNY
Yeah… all right, I’ll let you have that one.
BEN
It’s fine, Jonny, I’ll roll like a two or something, it won’t matter.
[PAUSE AS HE ROLLS]
Oh! Oh, actually it didn’t matter in the other way, I rolled a nine.
JONNY
Eyy! Yeah, you, you pull it back. Whatever’s – whatever’s blocking it, it doesn’t appear to be a physical object.
GAVIN
[into tape] Uh, blockage appears to be metaphysical. Um, I’m not really sure if the manual has any solutions for this. [away from tape] Uh, any ideas, guys?
JONNY
As you stare at it, you hear… a rushing of water from behind you.
LYDIA
Uh-oh.
JONNY
And you can – you turn to see a figure approaching…
LOWRI
Oh no.
JONNY
You recognize Mr Calcifer.
LYDIA
Is he walking on the water?
JONNY
No? Like, it’s like the water is sort of buoying up beneath him and, like, moving him along.
BEN
Sort of Babadooking on the water.
JONNY
Yeah, he’s – he’s Babadooking along the water. Uh, he’s got the arms down in like the, the Babadook pose.
LYDIA
[quiet mumble] Spooky.
LOWRI
See, that means nothing to me, because I’ve never seen it, but I’m imagining the gentleman from Buffy.
LYDIA
It just feels very anime to me. I haven’t seen, I haven’t seen –
[CROSSTALK]
BEN
Oh, do you think he’s got his arms out behind him, he’s like “Suh – chhhh…”
JONNY
He doesn’t have – no, he doesn’t have his arms out behind him, Ben!
LYDIA
[simultaneously] Yeah! And there’s like, a crest of water –
JONNY
This is serious.
BEN
[bratty pre-schooler voice] Hey, it was Lydia’s suggestion!
LYDIA
Oh. [soft, pensive] I’m sorry.
JONNY
If you two can’t behave, I’ll – I’ll throw you in the abyss, and me and Lowri’ll finish this episode ourselves.
BEN
[surly] Yes, Jonny.
JONNY
Okay?
LYDIA
I mean, let’s be honest, that is – that is where this is… that is where this is babbling towards.
JONNY
Okay, there’s a non-zero chance that it’s gonna happen anyway, but let’s see –
LYDIA
That is where… what’s the word? That’s where the momentum of the plot is headed.
JONNY
Well, currently the momentum of Mr Calcifer is headed straight towards…
LOWRI
[laughing] Nice.
JONNY
Straight towards, uh, you, Lyd! Straight towards Freddie.
FREDDIE
Uh, oh, Mr – Mr Calcifer, sir! Um, I, I just, I – I never doubted that you would turn up and you would fix this. Could you possibly explain to this Health and Safety man exactly how this is healthy and safe?
[LAUGHTER]
FREDDIE
Because, um, it’s not that I ever doubted you, but it is a little confusin’ to me in my untrained s… state. I, I am very happy to, uh, listen to, uh, and help with the assistance of the, uh, the, the, the fixing of the drains, sir. This healthy… safe… safety… fixing.
MR CALCIFER
Certainly. Certainly, Freddie, I will explain. I will explain. You see, darkness and the abyss… is the healthy state of existence. And life is a blight.
FREDDIE
Oh.
MR CALCIFER
So.
LYDIA
Freddie frowns.
MR CALCIFER
I very much made a pact with the dark powers to help… cure that blight, from… at the very least, Dorset.
[BEAT]
[ALL THE PLAYERS START LAUGHING]
MR CALCIFER
Maybe the rest of the world. I have big dreams. But you’ve got to start somewhere.
FREDDIE
You did always say to me to watch how I was going because it would lead to strange things. Yes. Okay, does that mean that there is no way to stop th… this, uh, flood from taking over, say, the world?
MR CALCIFER
Ultimately. Now, I’ll be honest, I didn’t expect it to happen quite so quickly, I had – I had a lot of more preparations to do, but you work with what you have. So… welcome to the future of the flooded world.
FREDDIE
So, is that – it sounds like it’s not completely finished then, um…
MR CALCIFER
No, it’s fine.
FREDDIE
Mr Calcifer, sir, is there, it’s – oh, okay, so what – what is it I could –
LYDIA
Uh, Freddie frowns, and then smiles, and then frowns again.
FREDDIE
I could help you… with whatever is not quite finished! Or… vulnerable! In this –
MS PLEDGE
Yes, yes, Mr Calcifer, let us help you.
JONNY
Okay, make me a roll, and I will – I’ll give you – I’ll give you a bonus for Dedicated, because you have, you have always served Mr Calcifer very well.
LYDIA
Dedicated, earnest himbo.
Ooh! [singsong] Someone rolled a nine!
JONNY
Oh, that’s nice. Okay. Mr Calcifer stops for a second and sort of steeples his fingers.
MR CALCIFER
You wish to help me, Freddie?
FREDDIE
Oh yes, Mr Calcifer, sir. I would be extremely –
MR CALCIFER
Very well. But first I will require… proof… of your dedication.
LYDIA
Freddie looks confused. Looks down at his hands. He’s holding a baby in one and a whistle in the other.
LOWRI
No…
LYDIA
Looks very pained.
MR CALCIFER
No, the health inspector. Throw the health inspector into the, into the abyss.
GAVIN
I’d – really rather you didn’t.
MR CALCIFER
Because he’s – he’s the one that hasn’t – I mean, he hasn’t offered to pledge his loyalty to me. So I feel that that’s probably a fair test of your loyalty.
GAVIN
What – no – hang on a minute, now. To be quite honest, um, if – if the options are help you or the Unending Freezing Abyss, uh, I will help you. Uh, I do like an authority figure! And, uh, well, hey, if you want to be my new Head Office then [laughs] go right ahead.
LYDIA
Freddie continues his pained expression and then, with a look of resolution, hands… his whistle… to Mr Calcifer.
[MS PLEDGE GASPS]
LOWRI
– Says Ms Pledge.
MR CALCIFER
Okay, wh –
LYDIA
The sign of his employee, uh…you know, it’s the employee lanyard.
MR CALCIFER
This is a gesture that makes me think that you’re quitting?
FREDDIE
No no no no, the, the, the opposite, sir –
MR CALCIFER
Sorry, I feel like we’re getting crossed wires here.
GAVIN
Yes, sorry, are we – are we still going to throw me in the abyss? I am prepared to pledge –
MR CALCIFER
Yeah, okay, so – so the thing is, if, if you’re all on Team Calcifer.
[BEAT]
GAVIN
Yeah!
MS PLEDGE
Absolutely.
MR CALCIFER
Then we can just sort of kick back in my office and let the world flood.
MS PLEDGE
Oh, I thought –
FREDDIE
Oh, there’s not, there’s – I thought you said that there was a problem, sir, that we could maybe fix.
MR CALCIFER
Well yes, obviously – obviously the incantation – obviously the sealing condition isn’t fully finished yet but, fundamentally, if you’re… if you’re not really opposing me… Then it, it’ll work anyway.
GAVIN
Well, that’s, that’s very true, but I have been looking at the rate of flow, and the, uh, you know, sort of the – the speed of the expansion…
MR CALCIFER
It’ll take longer.
GAVIN
Well, the longer it takes, the, uh, the more time there’s some sort of Eldritch Task Force can be assembled to stop your plan!
[MR CALCIFER MAKES DOUBTFUL NOISES]
So, um, I reckon we should, really, I – oh yes, I think, I think – Look, I’m from a government body and, uh, well, let me tell you, the amount of correspondence we get from the Eldritch Task Force, uh, trying to get us to shut down spooky swimming pools is, is incredible.
MR CALCIFER
Really!
GAVIN
Honestly, they just won’t shut up.
MR CALCIFER
That –
GAVIN
[responding to Mr Calcifer] Yes, honestly.
MR CALCIFER
That seems… Yes, honestly, that seems – I suppose I didn’t really look into it much before, before I started –
GAVIN
Oh, so you think you’re the only game in town here, sir?
MR CALCIFER
I did, actually.
GAVIN
Well, let me tell you, no, no, no! We’ve worked – they have shut down tens, hundreds even, of, uh, well, from small-time to big-time eldritch crooks! Oh, it’s an apocalypse a minute, honestly!
MS PLEDGE
Mr Calcifer, we must fix this immediately! Come on, let’s go! Take us to your unfinished… thing!
MR CALCIFER
Okay, so it’s not – I mean the unfinished, like, I mean that’s –
JONNY
He sort of points towards the, the seal.
MR CALCIFER
That’s the bit that’s unfinished. Because once it’s finished, the flood will, will… the rate will, will increase.
MS PLEDGE
Oh, the seal.
MR CALCIFER
So, so we, we need to go back to our off – to my office, and then there are a few more sacrifices…
FREDDIE
Oh, I see. So, so Mr Calcifer, so what, what, what theoretically could break it? Because then we can stop –
MR CALCIFER
Now it seems – now it’s – see, now it sounds like you’re trying to trick me into, into a weakness, which –
MS PLEDGE
Oh nooo. Come on, Freddie boy, shush now.
LYDIA
Freddie’s huge eyes. Like, the most Dedicated, Earnest…
MR CALCIFER
Okay, look, here’s the deal. If you genuinely want to help me, grab a few of those children on rings, bring them up to my office, and we’ll – we’ll do the ritual, finish it all off. Don’t worry, the children will be fine until we throw them back out into the abyss, it’s just a little – it’s just a – it’s just a blood thing, you, you know? Just eldritch – it’s fine.
Or, if you don’t want to, I’m going to assume that you’re still trying to stop me, and we’re going to obviously…
LOWRI
[resigned, matter-of-fact] Ms Pledge would like to just attack Mr Calcifer.
[LAUGHTER]
LOWRI
She’s decided. Freddie is in danger. She knows Freddie, Freddie’s just saved a baby, Freddie isn’t going to go along with this! Again, Ms Pledge doesn’t care about the children –
JONNY
Okay. I will say he is completely unprepared because he’s very much – he’s got, he’s really got into his own head about this, like, he’s…
[LAUGHTER]
LOWRI
She’s gonna leap on him, screaming,
MS PLEDGE
Paddle, Freddie, go, boy!
JONNY
Okay, I’m gonna ask, um, uh, roll, oh, you’ll need an eight – I don’t think you have anything that’s going to help you here.
LOWRI
I’m very Loyal and Resourceful and Old As Balls. So I think I’ll probably –
JONNY
I don’t know if any of those things are going to, like, assist you with leaping onto an old –
LYDIA
You don’t get to be as Old As Balls without fighting skills, Jonny.
LOWRI
This is true.
LYDIA
Especially in Dorset.
JONNY
Mm… I’m from Dorset, and you do. You do. A lot of people there are old.
LOWRI
[gasps] I got a ten!
JONNY
Hey!
LYDIA(?)
Oh my gosh!
JONNY
You’re in your flamingo.
LOWRI
Yes.
JONNY
Uh, you leap off your flamingo and sort of, like, just kind of tackle, uh, Mr Calcifer. You hit him square in the center of the torso, and he sort of topples backwards like a tree? And he is now, like, prone. He is on top of the water. The water is not – it’s not sort of absorbing him. But he is, he’s lying there, he’s – he’s trying to fight you off, but he’s, he’s very scrawny actually.
LYDIA
Can Freddie, in a fit of anguished, twisted, broken loyalty, uh, start whacking Mr Calcifer in the head with the paddle?
LOWRI
I’m so glad you said “paddle”!
FREDDIE
[sobbing] It’s so! [whack] Uh – [whack] I just – [whack] I don’t know [whack] what this is about [whack] but I –
JONNY
Yeah, I mean, he’s being – he’s being held down by an old cleaner, so I’ll say you just need a six.
LYDIA
Okay, cool, yeah. I’m, I’m, I’m gonna hope that the baby is old enough to deal with… kind of the fact that it’s sort of tucked under an arm, while the other arm is whacking Mr Calcifer in the head.
LOWRI
It’s a very strong arm.
LYDIA
Yes. Yes.
BEN
This baby has been super chill so far, so.
JONNY
He’s a very chill baby.
LYDIA
R-really ch…chill baby. I mean, I’m guessing that is at least a bit of the dark bits of spaces in… okay, cool, rolled a seven.
JONNY
Uh, yeah, that’s enough. You just whack him and he’s like,
MR CALCIFER
Ow! Ow! Ow! Stop it! Ow!
JONNY
Like, yeah. You’ve kind of got him… I mean, obviously not exactly where you want him because ideally you wouldn’t want him, like, floating on top of the void. But he’s being hit in the head, he’s being pinned by a tiny angry cleaner. Uh, Ben, what’s – uh, what’s, what’s Gavin Crumble doing?
BEN
Well, okay, so given that, like, I was also gonna try the old “knock him into the abyss and watch him disappear” and that hasn’t worked. But he is pretty thoroughly distracted. So he’s mentioned the sort of ritual going on in his office, so I’m gonna, like, quietly sort of just paddle off to his office? Because I’ve seen him standing spookily at the balcony. Which was his first mistake. For telling me where his office was. And, yeah, I’m going to try and break into his office to disrupt whatever ritual –
JONNY
Okay, you can paddle off to the office. So he’s going to try and… shove you off of him, Lowri.
LOWRI
Okay.
[DICE ROLLING NOISES]
JONNY
He’s going to… fail… quite significantly.
LOWRI
Oh. [bursts into laughter]
JONNY
If you wanted to –
LOWRI
Ah, I, I guess – can we tie him up somewhere so that we can…
JONNY
Not really, you don’t have the… Like the thing is, a) you don’t really have any rope, and b), like, you can tie him up as much as you could easily tie up a surfboard, while, like on it, in – in the sea. Which is, in my imagination, not easily? But, you know.
LOWRI
Oh, of course, I forgot I was… riding him, essentially.
[BITS OF LAUGHTER]
No, I think you’re right. And we’ve sorted the drain, really, haven’t we. Or…
JONNY
I mean [stutters] you haven’t at all because it’s still sealed by an eldritch, uh, symbol.
LOWRI
Oh! Okay!
BEN
We tried poking it and it didn’t work.
LYDIA/FREDDIE
Maybe we should throw him into it!
LOWRI
I’m gonna try and get, like – so I want to, like…
JONNY
Paddle him.
LOWRI
Paddle him!
JONNY
You want to try and paddle him –
LOWRI
So his head breaks the spooky symbol.
JONNY
Okay, so you want to paddle Mr Calcifer into the spooky symbol.
[LAUGHTER]
LOWRI
Yeah! Towards the eldritch drain.
JONNY
Okay, I’ll, I’ll –
MS PLEDGE
[wailing] You should have made Freddie full time months ago and you know it! He’s the best thing about this park, you awful man!
BEN
Right. That was Mr Calcifer’s crime.
LOWRI
Yeah.
JONNY
Ben, you arrived at the office – Gavin Crumble is there. It looks like a very normal bureaucratic office except for in the middle. There is a small table, which has an ornate stone bowl, full of utterly still, pitch-black water… uh, in the middle. Uh, and as a Bureaucrat you know that’s not standard for an office.
[LAUGHTER]
GAVIN
[disapproving grumble] Mm, that isn’t. I would have more expected like a Newton’s cradle or something like that, yeah. Mm.
JONNY
Yeah, something like that, yeah.
[BEAT]
BEN
[laughing] I can’t even think of a good one-liner!
LOWRI
Did you just make yourself laugh?
BEN
Gavin Crumble’s such a nerd.
Yeah, I’m gonna use my grabber and uh…
JONNY
[laughs] That’s actually pretty smart, I was gonna do you some damage.
BEN
Yeah, that’s it. I was like,
GAVIN
Oh, spooky water, okay, uh… well! Looks like this needs to be disposed of in the appropriate manner!
BEN
And I’ll pick up the, the grabber, like, like, with a sort of smelting bowl.
JONNY
Sure.
LOWRI
Oh, nice.
BEN
And just carefully, carefully pour the water into the waste paper bin. Right, you’re having blue spooky water, alright?
JONNY
All right. I’ll get you to do – to give me a roll, but this is, this is a very Bureaucratic – you need a four. Just roll a four.
[DICE ROLLING]
BEN
Six.
JONNY
Six, yeah, okay. Away it goes. Okay.
[SFX OF SLYDE WORLD FADES IN AGAIN]
As that is being poured away, Lowri, uh, you’ve paddled Mr Calcifer –
[LAUGHTER]
JONNY
Into this symbol, and it’s – it starts to… like, the, the purple eldritch light changes to a green eldritch light, then a red eldritch light, as things start to shudder and shake and his body starts to be drawn downwards, telescoping out infinitely and curling around the infinite never-ending abyss.
You can feel yourself getting pulled down as well. Uh, Freddie, do you want –
LYDIA
Freddie reaches out a paddle to –
FREDDIE
Grab the paddle, Ms Pledge!
MS PLEDGE
Thank you, Freddie boy!
JONNY
Right. I’m gonna say that’s gonna be an eight to grab the paddle. Do you have anything you think might help?
LOWRI
Um… no…
Well, I will, I will put out there that Ms Pledge did grow up on the Gower where the surf is really good. So she can handle a surfboard, even if it’s twisting into the unknown abyss.
[BEAT]
Ohhh no, I got a seven.
JONNY
You got a seven.
Well, I’m afraid as you reach –
FREDDIE
No! Ms – Ms Pledge!
LYDIA
Freddie reaches and screams and whistles at the same time.
[SFX: LOUD WHISTLE]
MS PLEDGE
Freddie boy! Take care of the paaaaark!
JONNY
And Ms Pledge… vanishes… into the void.
MS PLEDGE
[inaudible]
FREDDIE
I’ll call the baby Ms Pledge!
[EVERYONE COLLECTIVELY LOSES IT]
LOWRI
Oh my God.
BEN
[gasping] Fre –
JONNY
Yeah, well, I’ll – I’ll tell you what, because, because the seal was broken Freddie does remember Ms Pledge. Uh, her memory has not been wiped.
LYDIA
Oh, that’s kind.
JONNY
Yeah. So, you know, the water starts to drain away, the, the land returns. Peace once again reigns over Slyde World, and – yeah, Freddie can raise the baby up and be like, “Oh, I’ll name you after the bravest person I know! Ms Pledge!”
LYDIA
So can the people that were sunk in the water not come back, then?
JONNY
No. No, they’re gone.
LYDIA
‘Cause there were a lot –
JONNY
They’re gone.
LYDIA
Oh right. Cool.
JONNY
You got a free baby.
LYDIA
So there’s a lot of – Freddie’s a young single dad. With no job now!
BEN
Do you want to do… do you want to do a sort of “few years later” flash forward?
JONNY
Yeah, let’s first have an epilogue! Flash forward.
BEN
It’s, uh… Freddie and Gavin Crumble, uh, are now presiding over a small and reasonably successful and very clean water park,
LOWRI
Aww!
BEN
With their small adopted child Ms Pledge.
JONNY
The Toilet Bowl has been renamed the Ms Pledge Memorial… Rotating… Descender.
[LAUGHTER]
BEN
There’s a statue at the end, uh…
JONNY
Well, you have –
LYDIA
It’s the Ms Pledge Memorial Park.
BEN
That’s it! That’s the name!
LYDIA
All of the rides are just named what they were before but with the –
BEN
Ms Pledge Memorial Log Flume!
I like the Ms Pledge Memorial Slyde World, we just couldn’t change the name of it.
JONNY
Legally… like it was actually kind of a legal headache to try and change it, because there’s no branding stuff.
BEN
Yeah, yeah.
So, of course, we’ve got the Tank Museum, Monkey World, and the Ms Pledge Memorial Slyde World.
LOWRI
Oh, yes!
JONNY
Yeah, you’ve just, you’ve just, you’ve just… like, you’ve just put some balsa wood over that corridor that led to the pump, uh, the pump area, and it’s just, you know.
BEN
We’ve hung an out-of-order sign on the Devil’s… uh, no, that… what was it called again?
LYDIA
Hell Fall!
JONNY
The Hell Fall, yeah. The Hell Fall has been out of order for two years. But aside from that everything’s fine, Ms Pledge is – is growin’ up.
LYDIA
As the, as the light dims we, we sort of see Ms Pledge, the – the now precocious and adventurous child, begin to lever off the balsa wood to look back…
[OOHS]
JONNY
And from one of the drains, just a small bubble of dark, black water.
[SOMEONE GASPS]
JONNY
The end! Dot, dot, dot… question mark?
BEN
Dun dun dunnnn!
MS PLEDGE
I know it like the back of my hand!…
[LAUGHTER]
JONNY
That’s actually… mm! That actually does become quite sinister in, uh, in context of an epilogue.
BEN
Cue the Stranger Things-esque Netflix special with Ms Pledge and their ragtag group of Goonie-esque friends.
JONNY
Thank you, everyone, for joining us, and thank you to Ben and to Lydia and to Lowri –
LOWRI
[softly] Yay!
JONNY
For joining me for this… [struggling for a word] …event,
[LAUGHTER]
LYDIA
Which happened all in one game.
JONNY
Yeah, all in one game. Absolutely.
LOWRI
Absolutely. One night only.
BEN
And thank you, Jonny, for making… this… happen. [beat] So this is all your fault.
LOWRI
This is all your fault.
JONNY
What do you mean it’s all my fault, Lowri was the one who was like, “Hey can you, can you run a game, like, tomorrow?”
LOWRI
Look now. [laughing] I’m glad that there has bookended this.
JONNY
Thank you everyone for joining us, enjoy the rest of Magnus, and good luck with Lowri piecing this together!
LOWRI
Thank you.
Bye everyone!
ALL
Bye!