JONNY
Hello! It’s still Jonny. And welcome back to the second part of the Magnus Season Five, second hiatus, gaming, podcast, episode… two.
[BEAT]
[SOMEONE BREAKS OUT INTO LAUGHTER]
LOWRI
Nailed it.
JONNY
[trying not to laugh; failing] I am joined –
BEN
[amused] Jonny having a nice normal one over there.
JONNY
I am – I – I, I have nothing but normal ones, uh… I am normal ones through and through. Uh, joining me just then was the voice of Ben Meredith.
BEN
Hello.
JONNY
Hello Ben!
BEN
I introduced myself last time so you should listen to the first episode of this sub-arc.
JONNY
Yeah, I’ll – honestly if you haven’t listened to the first episode of this three-part bit of… hiatus nonsense, I am personally disgusted.
LYDIA
This is high quality content, Jonny. This isn’t nonsense!
JONNY
No, I’m not saying – I’m not saying that! Like, obviously they should listen because it’s great fun, we’re having a good time –
LYDIA
[over him] This is triple distilled.
BEN
It’s triple-distilled nonsense, though, you know. The highest –
LYDIA
The finest nonsense!
JONNY
But they should listen to the first one first, because otherwise…
LYDIA
Remix! You know?
LOWRI
It might be an interesting experiment to listen to the second one and then go back, I don’t know.
LYDIA
This is, this is the future, Jonny. The youth are into remix culture, they’re gonna be using and sampling and recreating…
JONNY
Oh no, they’re gonna sample me saying all sorts of nonsense – they’re gonna sample me saying I’m having a normal one!
BEN
Yeah, well, for you crazy cats out there who started listening to episode two, um. We also do podcasts called Rusty Quill Gaming and Stellar Firma. [inhales] Go listen to those, god damn it!
LOWRI(?)
Ben desperately wants you to, to listen to his other, his other creations where he does – he does other voices.
LYDIA(?)
It’s not just a sexy boss.
BEN
Yeah. I’m a sexy dwarf, I’m a sexy goblin, I’m a sexy clone, it’s great.
LYDIA
Sexy archaeologist at one point, right?
[THOUGHTFUL HMMS]
JONNY
Right, okay, let’s leave Ben’s – let’s leave Ben’s raw, unfiltered sexuality and eroticism behind for just a moment,
BEN
Ugh, I guess.
JONNY
To make sure that our listeners do know the other speakers. So who’s that – who’s that voice roasting Ben?
LYDIA
[chuckles] Me and Lowri both pause because it’s like, hey, everyone roasts Ben.
[JONNY MAKES IMPATIENT NOISES]
Yeah, I’m Lydia Nicholas, I’m Melanie in Magnus and also in Rusty Quill Gaming, with –
JONNY
You’re not Melanie in Mag – in Rusty Quill Gaming, you’re –
LYDIA
No! I’m other, other characters.
BEN
Could be, given this company’s naming conventions.
LOWRI
Yes, true.
LYDIA
Ms Pledge’s first name is actually Sasha.
LOWRI
[laughing] Yes! It is canon!
JONNY
“Sasha Pledge.”
BEN
[thoughtful] That’s a good name.
JONNY
Speaking of…
LOWRI
Hello!
JONNY
Who are you?
LOWRI
I’m Lowri, and I produce The Magnus Archives. And I do a vocal cut editing for Rusty Quill Gaming, and I listen to Stellar Firma! So that means you should just listen to them all! And I am also a Sasha.
[laughter]
JONNY
Right! So. When last we left we were at Slyde World, a water park. This adventure has had the random title generated of “Before the Twilight of the Blind Abyss” and uh, health inspector Gavin Crumble, himbo lifeguard Freddie, and park caretaker Ms Pledge were all about to descend down into the pump room to – well, basically to help Gavin, uh, just do some checks! Some very normal checks on the very normal water in this park.
LYDIA
On the very normal opaque water of the very normal ride, Hell Fall!
JONNY
The, the Hell Fall is – it’s – it’s fine. It’s, you know, it’s just good clean fun.
LOWRI
[pleased] It’s very clean! I clean it daily.
BEN
[cheerful] Just by pourin’ bleach in there.
JONNY
I – like, yeah, and there’s like – I mean, there’s at most one bone a day.
LOWRI
They erode eventually.
LYDIA
[snickering] All the bleach does that!
I don’t know where – like, what level of canonicity these mumbles have, just that you kind of pour lime –
[SOMEONE GROANS IN HORROR]
– into a particular tray, put that in, and then be like “There’s no bones clogging the outlet now!”
BEN
“We’ve boiled them all off!”
JONNY
There are occasional – like, you, you do sometimes find bones in the Hell Fall, but it’s… it’s fine. It’s very – I mean it’s not very rare, but it’s, it’s, it hasn’t happened today.
LYDIA
Yeah, there’s some open stretches, so animals could get in overnight.
JONNY
Yeah. Like obviously it’s generally, like, you assume it’s animal bones.
BEN
Yeah, like deer, wolves, big big big dogs…
LYDIA
Maybe a cow… somehow…
JONNY
Some, some sort of bonobo?
[GIGGLING ALL AROUND]
BEN
Well this is in, this is in Dorset, so we’re right next to Monkey World and once we have a tank drive in –
JONNY
Ahhhh… I, I’m from Dorset and I, I, I love Monkey World. Monkey World’s amazing.
LOWRI
I was talking about Monkey World yesterday! That’s so weird!
JONNY
It’s a great day out, mate, it’s a great day out. Go, go to Monkey World. Everyone – obviously this doesn’t apply to, like – Americans, don’t fly internationally –
LOWRI
No, do!
JONNY
– then travel to Dorset specifically to go to Monkey World, because I think you will be a little bit disappointed? But if you’re in the south of England and you are also in a beautiful future, uh, where you can go outside, go to Monkey World! It’s great! And yes, it is right next to the Tank Museum which is, uh, it’s great.
LYDIA
And in this universe, also right next to Slyde World!
JONNY
And also right next to Slyde World, yeah.
LYDIA
This, this is a parallel universe very similar to our own.
BEN
They call it the Triangle of Fun.
LYDIA
“You’ll never leave!” they say.
BEN
Dorset’s Triangle of Fun.
LYDIA
“You’ll never want to leave!”
JONNY
Anyway, you’re still standing at the top of these stairs.
GAVIN
So [clears throat] I don’t want to – um, this is obviously your facility, but it looks like that is a, that is a lock that needs a key. Not a… not a swipe card.
JONNY
No, it’s been opened, Mr Calcifer opened it for you.
BEN
Oh thanks, Mr Cal – yes, I forgot about him, he just washes – he just slides off the mind.
JONNY
[as Mr Calcifer] Yes, it’s fine! I’m already gone though!
FREDDIE
Oh, yes, Mr Calcifer is a very, uh, observant and helpful, uh, boss, he’ll often just turn up with very little warning, um, just when you need him, uh, or just when you’re about to, like, go through a door that says “KEEP OUT,” or sometimes when it’s just dark! Uh, so he very much sees the safety of the workforce – obviously, first after the safety of, uh, the park guests. There’s, there’s a lot of safety –
GAVIN
Yes –
FREDDIE
– Mr Calcifer carries in his head. That and the safety of the water –
GAVIN
[trying to get in a word edgewise] Thank you, Freddie. Perhaps I would –
FREDDIE
– Both the safety of us, and the safety of the guests –
GAVIN
I would rather look at the machines instead of hearing the sales pitch, thank you very much.
FREDDIE
Sure! Also,
LYDIA
As Freddie goes down the stairs.
FREDDIE
Uh, also the safety of the food! In the – in the caff, uh, he also oversees the safety of that. He’s very –
GAVIN
I am a water safety inspector. The food safety inspector will be along this week.
FREDDIE
[very seriously] Ooh, oh, people can drink. Water. In the caff.
GAVIN
Oh no no, so I don’t – I don’t look at potable water.
FREDDIE
[somber] Oh right. I see.
GAVIN
And, um, I – I really do hope that you do not stock your swimming pools with potable water, um, because that will have bacteria. You don’t just pour tap water into the swimming pools, do you, Freddie?
FREDDIE
…Uh, I don’t. Know.
GAVIN
So someone – so someone does.
FREDDIE
Oh, that’s not my job, so, um –
GAVIN
So are you on record of saying someone just pours tap water into the pool?
JONNY
[trying not to laugh] You’ve reached the bottom of the stairs! Congratulations!
FREDDIE
As far as I know there’s not a record playi – what? Um, right. Yes.
BEN
[ominously] Gavin Crumble makes a note.
LYDIA
Freddie is terrified.
JONNY
You arrive upon the bottom of the stairs. It is a large room with eight big pumping machines, like, a very strong chemical bleach smell. The Hell Fall slide doesn’t get pumped through from this room, it has its own separate room down a narrow kind of – you know, it’s in slight disrepair? Like a lot of cobwebs, some weird stains, just like down a long narrow corridor off to one side.
FREDDIE
So, uh, this is the pumps! You can see there are eight, uh, we have eight rides as – you saw the Flutter-Byes, uh, with the little ones. Um, there was also another one which I mentioned, um, I think you would quite like the, uh, the –
MS PLEDGE
[whisper-shouting] The flume, boy, the flume!
FREDDIE
The Log Flume! Which, uh, as I’ve said is very safe, you can walk along should you so wish. There is also the, the Jungle Ride –
MS PLEDGE
Yes, and the Toilet Bowl!
FREDDIE
The Toilet Bowl, uh, which is not the same as the Jungle Ride,
GAVIN
I believe the Spinning Top was one of them as well?
FREDDIE
The, the Spinning Top does also do that.
JONNY
Hold on, I’ll just go back a second, I just want to just dial back…
FREDDIE
And… Splashy-Splash Time?
JONNY
And ask Lowri. Could you – could you [as the background collapses into laughter] describe the… “Toilet Bowl” water slide –
LOWRI
Absolutely!
JONNY
– you very subtly pitched there?
LOWRI
[as Ms Pledge] Absolutely, boy! [fast, excited] Have you never been on one of those ones where you go in and it’s like a big bowl and you spin round and round and round and round and round and then it shoots you out?
BEN(?)
It’s – is the gimmick here you’re getting like a really long brown inflatable that you’ve just got to – just lie down in and you spin around?
LOWRI
[as Ms Pledge] That’s the one!
LYDIA
[as Freddie] It’s funny that you’d say that because they weren’t originally brown –
[UPROAR OF LAUGHTER; SOMEONE MUTTERS ‘OH MY GOD’]
LYDIA
[as Freddie] – just, uh, from use! Uh, yes.
BEN
[inhales] [beat] Gavin Crumble makes a note.
JONNY
It’s, it’s just because – it’s just because of how the plastic changes color as it ages.
[CROSSTALK]
LYDIA
Yeah, it’s just the UV.
LOWRI
It’s the friction against the, you know, the soft plastic and the hard plastic!
LYDIA
The friction and the UV, yes, yes.
FREDDIE
The, the Jungle Ride, which takes advantage of the fact that we are next to Monkey World and so sometimes you can glimpse the monkeys over the the side of the pool, which does not illegally go over the land of Monkey World, it does not. Uh, that has been Measured And Checked. Um, also, there’s a Swirly-Whirly Whirl, um, there’s the Whirly-Whirly Swirl which is different, and there is also –
JONNY
Lowri, what’s the last one?
LOWRI
The Shark Slide!
FREDDIE
Which, contrary to opinion, does not actually put sharks down the slide. The sharks are at the bottom.
LOWRI
They’re in the aquarium.
LYDIA
Yeah.
BEN
Gavin Crumble makes a note.
JONNY
By which I assume you mean that there are… like, there’s a sort of kind of sub – a slightly dropped level, uh, with like a big sort of aquarium-style shark tank swimming around the edges of the pool?
[AGREEING NOISES]
JONNY
So it feels like you’re swimming with sharks, but actually there’s some glass between. Which is probably – it’s probably very thick! The glass is probably very thick.
LYDIA
It’s probably very thick. But they’re also really – they, [pensive] they’re just dogfish, really. ‘Cause sharks are quite expensive.
[CROSSTALK]
BEN
Yeah, it’s – so Shark World: water park and… shark aquarium.
JONNY
To be fair I think that would be a great – I think that’d be a great pool to be swimming around! Like you’re swimming, and like, you’re kind of swimmin’ with the, with the –
LYDIA(?)
Tiny, tiny sharks!
JONNY
Yeah, tiny sharks.
LYDIA(?)
Are the sharks tiny… or are you giant?
JONNY
Yeah, who’s – who can say.
LYDIA
Freddie pokes the machines.
[SFX: MACHINE CLANGING NOISES]
JONNY
Yeah, they’re working, they’re fine.
FREDDIE
Look, this machine, as you can see, is working.
LYDIA
– Freddie clarifies.
JONNY
Do you want to make a roll, Ben?
BEN
I will. I will. I think obviously at the pumps? I’m guessing Analytics is helping me out here.
JONNY
Yeah.
BEN
So can we just, uh… so if I’m applying a benefit, what is the exact effect of that?
JONNY
Uh, so it’ll be lowering the target number.
BEN
Oh, okay, okay, let’s see if something is just targeting this – we’ll target on the base, cool. Well, I rolled a nine.
JONNY
Yep, that’s great. These are like – it – everything seems pretty much as you’d expect it. A few of them could probably do with having some of the chlorine chemical levels, uh, topped up a bit, but they’re all within – within acceptable safety standards, they all seem to be working. They’re all just rumbling along.
BEN
Okay, I, you know, spend a good 15 minutes looking around making sure it’s all in order, make a couple of recommendations… but no citations.
JONNY
Yeah! What a… Ms Pledge, what are you doing while this investigation is taking place?
LOWRI
Well, I’m tailing, and just – if, if there’s something that maybe isn’t as it should be, I’m trying to get there. I’m using my knowledge of this room, which is deep, to get ahead of Gavin Crumble to, you know – maybe if, like, “Oh, tank four, we really meant to put chlorine in that,” [frantic whisper] just put a bit more in before he gets there. And, you know, a bone – “Oh!” [laughing] Chuck it into the tank where you can’t see it!
BEN
Put it in the filter, get rid of that.
JONNY
Yeah, okay, uh… make me, uh, make me a roll. I think you have, you’ve got Resourceful, so I’ll give you, um… say a six.
LOWRI
Yeah, that is ten.
JONNY
Ten! Nice. Yeah, no, yeah, uh, like every time – every time Gavin is looking at one machine, Ms Pledge is just sort of all over the one immediately opposite, topping things up, polishing, twisting.
LOWRI
Absolutely.
JONNY
It – it turns out, Ben, that maybe all of these machines were not doing quite so well, uh, before you arrived, but. And – weirdly, like, you actually returned to the Twirly Whirl. You got confused, you did the Whirly Twirl twice, and so when you return to the Twirly Whirl it seems to actually be working better the second time?
BEN
Okay. I do – I do that sort of, like, tap on the valve kind of thing that people do, just, you know, just to make sure. And then I’ll remove one of those citations! Seems to be wonderful!
GAVIN
So that’s, yeah, [pleasantly surprised] pumps all seem good! So, um, what about that particularly spooky corridor?
FREDDIE
Oh! Um, well, as you see, uh, the thematic decorations extend throughout the park because Mr Calcifer is an extremely detail-oriented, uh, manager. He in fact inspects everything, every day, uh, some of them all the time – he is somehow there whenever you are looking at it. It’s extremely impressive and, uh, diligent. And so this is the treatment for the Hell Fall! Which is one of our star attractions.
GAVIN
Yes. The one with the… opaque black water.
FREDDIE
It’s an extremely scary ride.
GAVIN
Um, I can think of many ways in which I find it scary. Now, let’s go to the pump room and make sure it’s all in order.
FREDDIE
Uh, yes, uh, Mr, uh, Crumble, uh, sir, mister, yes.
GAVIN
…Sir will do.
JONNY
You head down the long corridor, your steps seeming to echo that much more as you approach the door. Uh, this one reads, “CAUTION. HELL FALL PUMP. SECRET.”
BEN
Also, just a, a detail –
JONNY
“CLASSIFIED.”
BEN
I am definitely having to –
JONNY
“DON’T ENTER.”
BEN
But I’m definitely gonna have to –
JONNY
“CAREFUL NOW.”
[LYDIA AND LOWRI CACKLING]
BEN
But I’m definitely gonna have to –
JONNY
“SIGNED, MR CALCIFER.”
BEN
But I’m definitely gonna have to, uh, stoop down this corridor.
JONNY
Oh yeah, it’s, it’s, uh, it is – how tall did you say you were?
BEN
Six foot five!
JONNY
It’s six foot four.
LYDIA
Somehow Freddie goes ahead of you down the corridor and despite being not that much shorter than Mr Crumble, he doesn’t get any cobwebs in his hair, but there are cobwebs at face level just all the way as Mr Cru –
LOWRI
That’s because Ms Pledge is dusting them out of your way as you go.
LYDIA
Ah!
LOWRI
I am very invested in you looking good.
BEN
So you both – you both come at the end of it looking fine, I come out looking like an absolute nightmare. I look like the thing that’s left at the back of the Halloween display of a store in, like, late November.
JONNY
You look like you look like if someone took a Halloween scarecrow and then just, like, covered it in fake cobwebs.
BEN
I’m just shaking them off my clipboard.
JONNY
The door is not actually locked. Clearly Mr Calcifer felt the sign was, was enough.
FREDDIE
Right this way Mr, uh, Mr Sir Crumble sir.
GAVIN
[spitting out cobwebs] Yeah. Very good.
JONNY
The, the pump room for the – uh, the Hell – the Hell Dive – [spluttering] Is, is it the Hell Dive or the Hell Fall because –
LYDIA
It’s, it’s the Hell Fall, except when you describe it.
JONNY
Yeah, well, I – I thought that last episode I said “Hell Fall” and you said “Hell Dive.”
LYDIA
No, no, what – you said “Hell Dive” and then I tried to, to improv-patchwork it by saying that the Hell Dive was the spookiest bit of the Hell Fall.
BEN
Yeah, Lydia yes-anded. She collaborated with you.
JONNY
Yeah, thank you –
LYDIA
[mock-offended] It’s a thing people do, Jonny!
JONNY
No, it’s – shh – [long pause as he struggles] …No.
[LAUGHTER; SOMEONE MUTTERS ‘NO-BUT’]
JONNY
No-no-no-no-but! No! I – I don’t have to explain myself to you people! I just know.
Anyway. So as you enter the, the room containing the pump for the Hell Fall, it’s a square room with completely blank concrete walls. The pipes come in from the ceiling – they’re just big, completely closed-off iron pipes – and go back out up the ceiling. And in the center is a black metal box that is sat there, completely silent.
LYDIA
How big is the box?
JONNY
It is about, say, 15 foot by 15 foot? Like 15 foot – it’s like a 15 foot cube.
LYDIA
I see.
GAVIN
So, um, this is the – pumping mechanism for the Hell Fall.
FREDDIE
Um, uh, yes, uh, Mr Sir Crumble, sir. Uh, it does all the mod cons of the ride, uh, keeping it clean and safe.
JONNY
It’s pure black.
FREDDIE
And it, uh, is very modern.
JONNY
Seeming almost to draw your eye.
BEN
Urgh.
FREDDIE
Extremely modern and safe. It manages the safety of the rides,
JONNY
[darkly] As though it were waiting.
FREDDIE
And, uh, of the, uh, riders.
GAVIN
…Right. Uh, well, this is obviously – this is a model that I’m, I’m not familiar with.
FREDDIE
It’s very modern.
GAVIN
It looks sort of like the monolith in 2001: A Space Odyssey. It’s a. Cube.
FREDDIE
Is that an, an old film? I am very young, as has been established.
MS PLEDGE
But mature!
GAVIN
Film is a recorded – it is a recorded medium. You can, you can watch it. It’s, um, it’s quite a famous Stan – Stanley Kubrick? Have you heard of… The Shining, Clockwork Orange…
JONNY
The box looms impatiently.
FREDDIE
[over Jonny] I don’t have much time to, uh, watch media because I pick things up and put them down so often.
GAVIN
Right. [to himself] God, the youth today! [back to normal] Uh, right, well, how do you open this thing? Can I have a look at some of the readouts?
JONNY
If you… There’s no readouts on the outside. If you have a look, uh, there is essentially a hatch on the side about halfway up, there’s a small set of metal stairs that lead up to a hatch which sort of lifts up. Uh, it’s about sort of… I’d say maybe five foot up of the wall. Like, it lifts – it’s about like – it’s about big enough that if you wanted to climb inside, you could? But, you know, you’d need to have a bit of a squeeze.
FREDDIE
Uh, if you would like to inspect the inside of the, the mechanism – inside of the, uh, of the mechanism here, sir, you can see this handy hatch.
GAVIN
Yeah, well, I’m not really a mechanical engineer, I’m just more – so all of the readouts are inside the machine.
FREDDIE
[solemnly] That would make sense.
GAVIN
Right. O…kay.
BEN
I will walk up and open the hatch.
JONNY
Just to be clear, neither Ms Pledge nor Freddie have ever actually seen this before.
LYDIA
Not Freddie’s… wide-eyed… himbo innocence.
JONNY
So are you heading up to the hatch?
BEN
Yeah, I’m gonna – I’m expecting to see pipes and valves and things.
JONNY
Okay, so you pull the hatch up and the inside – it’s very dark, it takes you a few moments for your eyes to adjust. Uh, you’re still – you’re still stood outside. The water comes up just below where the hatch is. So from where you’re standing you can see sort of just still water inside, just kind of sitting there.
You’re not entirely sure how it would – there doesn’t seem to be any machines, any mechanism for actually pumping it back out, although you can see it going out if you look outside the machine at the pipes, like. I know I said that they were completely opaque, but I’ve decided there’s probably a little window where you can see water going up.
LYDIA
The occasional bubble going past.
JONNY
Yeah, just a little bubble. But as your eyes adjust you can see that there is… there appears to be a figure. Standing in the water.
GAVIN
Um, is this some kind of joke?
BEN
And I’ll kind of look to the other –
JONNY
They are tall and thin and pale, and seem to be wearing some sort of dark apron. They are facing away from you. Their head appears to be completely bald.
BEN
Are they moving or, like, is this…
JONNY
They are completely still.
BEN
Yeah, okay.
JONNY
Are you calling out?
BEN
Well, no, so I’m – I’m looking at this, sort of con – confused, and then I turn my head to Freddie and…
LYDIA
Just glowing with innocence.
GAVIN
Uh, I’m sorry, is this some kind of joke? Like somebody’s put some sort of shot mannequin in here to try and, I don’t know, scare me? Um, I’m not finding this very amusing at all, and I’m going to have to write this up.
BEN
And I start making a note in my –
JONNY
When you turn back, uh, after having spoken, it has moved. It is now facing towards you and you can see it has – it has very rudimentary features. But where its eyes would normally be, two large holes leak this dark black fluid down into the water. It seems to be looking towards you, but not actually… at you.
BEN
I, I will get up abruptly and sort of using a veneer of anger to cover my obvious discomfort be like –
GAVIN
No, this is absolutely unacceptable, if you’re just playing some kind of practical –
JONNY
Could I have a roll from you?
BEN
Yes.
JONNY
In case you potentially take some hit point damage [dramatically excited] From The Horror!
BEN
I… I think I would actually like to to maybe ask if Bureaucrat is applicable here because I am using sort of the, the, the veneer of process in order to try and like –
JONNY
Okay, yeah yeah yeah, I’ll allow that. Like, I think it is – it would be in a target number of 10, though.
BEN
That’s pretty scary.
JONNY
Yeah, so that’ll lower it back down to an eight.
BEN
Which… [in a whisper] I rolled a six, so that’s unfortunate!
[EVERYONE SUCKS IN A BREATH THROUGH THEIR TEETH]
BEN
[under his breath] Become spooked!
JONNY
So I’m gonna give you two hit points of fear.
BEN
Okay.
LYDIA(?)
Oh nooo.
JONNY
As you start to talk, you can see that it is… it is walking through the water towards you, ripples lapping away.
BEN
I…I back off, so – I slam the hatch down, back off, and I’m like… yeah, sort of pseudo-angrily blustering at Freddie and, and Ms Pledge.
FREDDIE
[wide-eyed, innocent] Was the chemical level, uh, incorrect, Mr Crumble, sir? Because we can absolutely fix that, there’s absolutely no need to write anything down on your notepad.
JONNY
[quietly] Tap tap tap.
GAVIN
No, [stuttering] th – this is – this is ridiculous –
FREDDIE
[horrified] You left it leaking in there!
JONNY
Tap tap tap.
GAVIN
There’s some sort of –
FREDDIE
Why would you do that?!
GAVIN
There’s some sort of –
FREDDIE
Why would you break the mechanism?!
GAVIN
No! You, you go look. Go look, you’re obviously playing some kind of practical joke, this isn’t funny, where are the cameras –
JONNY
Tap tap tap. Tap tap tap.
FREDDIE
[righteously infuriated] I absolutely will have a check! You have broken our machine and this will need to be, uh, reported to someone, someone will need to know about this – [voice rising] you coming in here trying to, trying to mess with Mr Calcifer, just breaking our equipment –
JONNY
[whispering] Tap tap tap.
LYDIA
Uh, Freddie will, uh, go over and be like “Hello!” And begin to unscrew –
JONNY
Just, actually properly remove the hatch, not just open it.
LYDIA
Oh no, open it, open it. Sorry, I thought – weirdly like a porthole, so you have to screw it a bit, but anyway.
JONNY
No, it’s, it’s very much just like – it’s got a handle, you just stand, uh, lift it up.
LYDIA
Right. Okay, so it’s – it’s a relatively obvious mechanism, Freddie won’t mess this one up. It’s not a recurring thing, that he struggles with doors.
JONNY
Yeah, yeah, yeah. It’s like… you know, if you imagine the sort of hatch one might use to potentially, I don’t know, throw some meat into a pool of dark water,
LYDIA
Sure, sure!
JONNY
To feed something that lurks inside? It’s that sort of hatch.
LYDIA
Yeah! Right, sure. Heavy, strong, stop any demonic stuff.
JONNY
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
LYDIA
Just theoretically, that’s what it would be.
JONNY
You lift it up and the face, still leaking that pitch black fluid, is about six inches from yours.
FREDDIE
Oh my goodness, there’s a person stuck in here! You trapped a person in here!
[OUTBURST OF LAUGHTER FROM PLAYERS]
FREDDIE
Why would you – this is, this is an outrage!
JONNY
Okay, as you start to to cry out, it lunges at you.
LYDIA
Yep. I think Freddie will try and headbutt it.
JONNY
[delighted] Brilliant! Okay! Uh, I’ll, I’ll probably, uh – I’ll probably call that a Himbo roll, then.
LYDIA
Yeah.
JONNY
You’ll need a six, because it’s lunging towards you and it’s not –
LYDIA
Yeah, there we go, there is a – there’s a six.
JONNY
That’s a six. Okay!
LYDIA
Just about managed to [laughs] headbutt the demon.
JONNY
So yeah, you like – it crunches in and it’s like headbutting a water balloon?
[OOHS FROM PLAYERS]
Like it kind of yields and it does stagger backwards. But as it does so your face is covered in this black fluid.
LYDIA
Uh, Freddie screams.
JONNY
Yep. Uh, you’re going to be taking probably two hit point damage. You find yourself staring out at an unknowable, huge, impossible void, distant stars twinkling, as though your face – your face is very cold –
LYDIA
Oh dear.
JONNY
As though it is in the spaces between galaxies.
LYDIA
Terrible.
JONNY
As you turn towards, uh, Ms Pledge and, uh, Gavin Crumble, they will see that where the liquid has splashed on your face, you can see stars and space. As though Freddie’s face had become a hole in the universe.
MS PLEDGE
Freddie boy!
JONNY
And then the liquid sort of flows off and you like – just –
LYDIA
Yes, Freddie is screaming and clawing at his face. Pulling, pulling the liquid off.
JONNY
As the liquid goes off, like, your face returns.
LYDIA
Oh that’s, that’s very reassuring. I’m quite keen on my face.
LOWRI
A lot of people are.
LYDIA
As are many people.
JONNY
I’m gonna say you probably staggered down the small staircase, uh, while that was happening. The thing is crawling now… it’s, it’s –
LYDIA
Oh dear. Scrawling out of the hole.
JONNY
Yeah, it’s like, kind of flopped out of the hole, and is currently getting itself to its feet.
LOWRI
Ms Pledge is gonna leap forward with her mop to try and push it back into the tank.
MS PLEDGE
Freddie boy! Run!
BEN
Very heroic.
LOWRI
I – I would like to use Loyal.
[LYDIA AWWW’S, OVERCOME WITH EMOTION]
JONNY
Yup, no, that makes absolute sense. Like, it’s gonna be a bit tricky because this thing is – it’s, it’s very tall and long, and shoving it back through the hatch is going to be a little bit tricky so it would be a 10, that’s reduced to an eight. You could also take a Devil’s Bargain if you wanted, to make it a little bit easier?
LYDIA
You have to negotiate a bad consequence? Was that it?
JONNY
Yeah, so, a Devil’s Bargain is where we agree a negative consequence which will happen regardless of whether you succeed or fail.
LOWRI
Okay.
JONNY
So you could say, “well, all right, but even if I succeed this negative consequence happens,” and in return I make the roll slightly easier.
LOWRI
Ms Pledge will make the Devil’s Bargain. For Freddie. She’s very invested in him.
[LYDIA CONTINUES SOUNDS OF ADORATION]
I guess losing the mop isn’t enough?
[JONNY MAKES DELIBERATING NOISES]
It’s a very good mop, she’s had it for –
JONNY
You know what? No, you, you know what, yeah! You, you lose the mop. I’ll say that you can lose the mop.
LYDIA
If you lose the mop maybe you also lose your ability to clean, or one of those things.
JONNY
No no no no, like, it – no, it’s not that you lose the mop. It’s that this thing, regardless of whether or not you succeed in driving it back into the tank… [dark] It will have the mop.
[HORRIFIED GASPS]
JONNY
[bright] Which, I mean, that’s probably fine! What, what damage could something like this do with a mop?
LOWRI
[haunted] Ms Pledge knows.
BEN
[also haunted] Having a long stick in a horror situation.
LOWRI
Right, so what am I aiming for… six.
JONNY
So you’re looking for a six.
LOWRI
I got a nine!
[LYDIA OOHS]
JONNY
Brilliant. Yeah, you, you just sort of charge forward and start pushing it –
MS PLEDGE
[chanting] Freddie, run!
JONNY
You shove the mop into its face, so that the, the very absorbent… What are they called? Like. The…
LOWRI(?)
Mop heads?
JONNY
[ignoring that] You know, the tendrils of a mop. The mop tentacles. The mop tentacles start to sort of soak in, uh, this… this darkness as you sort of shove it, and just like, you literally are just jabbing it back through the hole. But it grips the mop very tightly and you can’t pull it back, so instead you shove the mop in and slam down the hatch.
[MS PLEDGE PANTS]
GAVIN
What, what, what is going on?
MS PLEDGE
I didn’t…
FREDDIE
You have broken the machine! You have broken Mr Calcifer’s lovely machine!
GAVIN
What?
FREDDIE
How could you do something so terrible?!
GAVIN
There is a scary man inside that machine!
FREDDIE
That is a piece of – I don’t – what? That is impossible, therefore it must be a piece of equipment.
MS PLEDGE
[still out of breath] Freddie boy.
I’d heard… [dramatic] I’d heard of this!
FREDDIE
What? No! No!
MS PLEDGE
There’s a reason –
JONNY
Yeah, Lowri, what… what legends does Slyde World have about this?
MS PLEDGE
Nothing very specific, but there have been rumors… that a bargain was made. Because you know Slyde World was struggling for a while, boy.
FREDDIE
What! No! Slyde World has always been – this is the place where dreams are made! Where joy –
MS PLEDGE
Boy, this was before your time. I’ve been around, I’m – well frankly, I’m Old As Balls.
[BACKGROUND LAUGHTER]
BEN
It was before Freddie’s time, so like, two years ago.
MS PLEDGE
You are very mature for your – for your age, Freddie.
FREDDIE
I can take on a lot of different tasks, including basic admin!
MS PLEDGE
You can! But there was a time… there was a time, Freddie, before the Hell Drop. Dive. Fall.
BEN
It’s rebranded a lot over the years.
FREDDIE
It has so many names.
MS PLEDGE
It does!
FREDDIE
It is mysterious. Sometimes, it’s hard to do the admin.
MS PLEDGE
[simultaneously] It’s ever-changing. It’s strange how people can’t quite remember what it’s called.
[SOMEONE SNORTS]
FREDDIE
I’ve heard if it – when it gets shut down, uh, every time, it comes back with a new name.
MS PLEDGE
I have also heard that.
FREDDIE
Possibly for legal reasons. Yeah.
MS PLEDGE
[Lowri laughing out of character] Possibly, boy, possibly.
JONNY
Also, some people say, but – they say not everyone who goes down the, the Hell Fall actually comes out the other end. And – and to be fair, some people have counted and that is technically true, but legally speaking, it’s not true.
LYDIA
Statistically we’re fine. It’s a rounding error.
LOWRI
Yeah!
JONNY
Yeah, absolutely, like. Because – because fundamentally, statistically, it’s a statistically negligible number?
LOWRI
Yeah, and also if you ask anyone for names of people who went missing, [audible shrug] they couldn’t give you any!
JONNY
Yeah, well, this is the thing. This is the thing. If you, if you count up – if you count up the number of people who go in and the number of people who come out, definitely fewer people come out. But no one remembers – no one’s, no one’s gone missing, you know? Everyone who anyone remembers coming into the park, leaves the park.
FREDDIE
I don’t, I don’t think Mr Calcifer would have stood for anything so, so [struggling] unrespectable! Uh, it’s, uh, no! It just must be a broken mechanism!
MS PLEDGE
[emotional] Boy! Boy, listen to me.
[FREDDIE GASPS AND REACTS IN THE BACKGROUND AS MS PLEDGE SPEAKS]
Mr Calcifer… he’s done a lot for me. He’s done a lot for this park. But there’s a reason I want you to follow in my footsteps and not his.
FREDDIE
What? A role of that level of responsibility…
JONNY
So the pipe… the exit pipe where, you know, the little window that you could see the water flowing back out.
[BEAT]
The water’s no longer flowing back out.
[PLAYERS GASP]
As though the exit pipe were blocked with something.
BEN
So during this – Ms Pledge’s sort of revelation, I’ve been furiously scribbling notes, trying to get a preliminary report down, and at this point I’m like:
GAVIN
Right, well, [scribbling] “Deal… with… dark… force…” That, that, that is q-q-quite enough. Um, this is very much out of my remit, uh, I will be leaving now and filing a full report with – we need to get a specialist, uh, team in here, obviously something very disturbing is going on right here –
BEN
And I will make to go away.
[HORRIFIED, SHOCKED SOUNDS FROM THE OTHER CHARACTERS]
FREDDIE
You can’t – you can’t do that! You can’t, you can’t betray Mr Calcifer like that!
MS PLEDGE
[forceful] I know it must be a surprise to you that I have suddenly appeared because you haven’t been able to see me until now, Gavin, but I choose to speak to you. You must debrief with Mr Calcifer, he will want this, I know.
GAVIN
Absolutely not! My, my, my responsibility –
JONNY
Also you have – you have, just, just to be clear, you have been able to see Ms Pledge the whole time.
BEN
Oh yeah, I know, I am fully aware of…
LOWRI
Oh yeah, absolutely.
GAVIN
I, I absolutely will not. I am an unbiased observer and it is my respon – my legal duty to to report this kind of things to the governmental authority! I –
LOWRI
[carefully] Can I try and convince Gavin to stay?
JONNY
You can’t really do rolls on other player characters, like…
LOWRI
Oh, okay. Oh yeah, fair.
BEN
Also, I, I don’t feel like – “Hey, health inspector, ignore the spooky man! And don’t report it!” is not a –
JONNY
[laughing] “Let’s all just, let’s all just not report what’s happened here.”
MS PLEDGE
Mr Crumble, sir, I will agree with you, it is your duty to report this and I think you should first and foremost report this to Mr Calcifer so he can take swift action!
GAVIN
Absolutely not –
BEN
I would, I will just try and leave at this point.
JONNY
There are some weird noises coming from the pipe that, like, comes from the Hell Fall.
BEN
Yeah, I will just try and leave.
LYDIA
Cool. Freddie is going to follow Mr Crumble, though.
FREDDIE
I, I will, uh, I will show you the way out!
GAVIN
No, I know where it is, it’s down that corridor and up the stairs.
LOWRI
I would like to use my ability, which is Back Of My Hand, to get to the end of the corridor before Mr Crumble does. To stop him.
JONNY
Yeah, okay, yeah, you can – you can do that. There’s definitely a secret passage down here that you know of.
LOWRI
Yeah, absolutely.
JONNY
So at the bottom of the stairs Ms Pledge is just waiting for you already.
BEN
I can’t believe that the other two player characters are part of the horror as well?
JONNY
I’ll be honest, [starting to laugh] I – I did, I did not expect this to be like…
BEN
I was expecting Jonny to have to prevent me from leaving in some way. Not the other people who were like, “It’s fine! It’s. Fine!”
JONNY
[laughing] I’ll be honest, I really didn’t expect two of the three player characters to side with the monster!
MS PLEDGE
I don’t think it’s fine, but you will not shut down this park!
FREDDIE
He’s given us employment opportunities in a very strugglin’ area!
BEN(?)
[mimicking Freddie] “He gave me a zero hour contract!”
MS PLEDGE
Freddie is about to go full time!
LYDIA
Freddie is, uh, going to blow his whistle and –
[EVERYONE LAUGHS]
I haven’t used it yet!
JONNY
That’s pretty loud. That’s pretty loud. It hurts your ears a little bit, uh – in fact, like, Ben and Lowri, you can take a hit point damage,
BEN
Oh God.
JONNY
From the loud whistle in a confined space, because it’s very loud.
BEN
Yeah, I’m now sandwiched between Freddie and Ms Pledge like, like at the other end of this small corridor.
JONNY
Yeah, you’re currently standing at the stairs with one of them at either side of you. Neither of them have actually, like, taken any physical action to stop you leaving, but they are standing there.
FREDDIE
Oh no, we wouldn’t! I, I just think that we need to report to Mr Calcifer and I’m sure that Ms Pledge knows a short way there. It is, uh, very easy for us to get there.
JONNY
Freddie, you’re facing towards the stairs at the moment, right?
LYDIA
Mm-hmm. Yep.
JONNY
You notice –
LYDIA
[inviting sing-song] Absolutely couldn’t see anything behind me!
JONNY
You notice – no, no, you notice, trickling down the stairs from the top… a very thin, but gradually getting stronger, flow of dark, black water.
FREDDIE
Uh, um, I actually, uh, think, uh, maybe – I’m an expert in, uh, leaks. And I have a little bit of a concern that there is a leak occurrin’ above you, uh, so we should definitely go and report that to Mr Calcifer, or people will be in danger!
MS PLEDGE
And I know a shortcut! Follow me!
FREDDIE
Excellent!
JONNY
So Lowri, are you taking them up, up and out of the pump room?
LOWRI
Yes.
JONNY
Okay!
LOWRI
I want to find Mr Calcifer.
JONNY
Sure. So there’s, there’s a – also a ladder that leads up to, like, the top of the building that houses the pump room stairs. So you can lead them up the ladder and it comes out on like a sort of first-story rooftop.
As you open, like, it’s technically – by your watch it should only be about 4 PM. Uh, but as you open the hatch at the top of the stairs, the sky above you is… a grim twilight.
[OOOHS]
And as you look around, the floor of the entire park is now covered with a thin layer of dark black water, the twilight sky above almost reflecting the encroaching darkness. You can see in the distance that while the actual slide for the Hell Fall has stopped working – there’s no water flowing down – the water level in the actual pool has just gradually kept rising and has now flowed out all over the park below you.
As you watch, a woman in a bathing costume, sort of, uh… holding a baby, let’s say.
[HORRIFIED NOISES]
Is sort of wading through, looking around, and suddenly she seems to put a foot through something and she just disappears.
[SOMEONE GASPS]
The water’s only maybe an inch deep, but she falls and disappears. I’ll say she puts the baby on, like, a park bench next to her.
LYDIA
Okay. The baby’s okay.
JONNY
The baby’s okay for now. But potentially…
LYDIA
Oh no.
LOWRI
Oh no.
JONNY
In peril, [delightedly dramatic] As The Water Levels Continue To Gradually Rise!
[in normal voice] But that’s something you can deal with next episode.
BEN
Oh good.
LOWRI(?)
Yay!
JONNY
As you stare out over the flooded, sinister water park.
LOWRI
I’m sure the baby will be fine, let’s find Mr Calcifer.
JONNY
Yeah, it’s, it’s, it’s fine. It’s fine. What could possibly go wrong. So thank you all for joining us for this, the very second episode of… I mean, some nonsense.
LOWRI
How dare you.
LYDIA
Terrifying nonsense, I’ll have you know.
JONNY
Terrifying nonsense. Terrifying Nonsense TM. And the final part of “Before the Twilight of the Blind Abyss” will be next week!
BEN
Although we’re very much during the twilight of the blind –
JONNY
Okay, right, yeah. The, the final part of this blind abyss, this twilight – the situation will resolve next week.
[LAUGHTER]
LYDIA
For good… or spooky!
JONNY(?)
Or both! Spooky can be both!
BEN(?)
[mimicking a ghost] Oooooooooo!
JONNY
So. [sing-song] Bye!
ALL
Bye!