JONNY
Hello! For the third and final installment of Duskhollow PD. I’m Jonny from The Magnus Archives, you probably know that.
ALEX
If you’re on this feed, you – you really should –
JONNY
[overlapping] Yeah, like… it’s –
ALEX
[continuing] – you picked the worst possible episode imaginable to start on otherwise.
JONNY
Yeah, also, if this is your first episode of anything in this feed, stop. Go back to episode 1 of The Magnus Archives. If you just want to know what is going on here, go back two episodes, ‘cause this is part three and it will be very confusing for you. I am here with some other people!
LOWRI
I’m Lowri and I produce The Magnus Archives and I am playing Emma Walensky.
JONNY
Oh, yes, sorry, this is a role-playing game.
[LAUGHTER]
Actual play, roleplay podcast, where everyone is a policeman in a weird town. [whispers] Investigating a murder. [loud] A weird murder!
LOWRI
[high-pitched] Murder!
ALEX
And one of those investigators is – is me, I’m Alex Newall, I play Martin in the podcast and I am playing today Archie Murdoch, the person with an accent that I kind of change based on the circumstances, who seems to be doing well.
SASHA
You’re still young, you know, you – your voice is still kind of finding itself.
FRANK
[overlapping] You’ve got time to find yourself.
JONNY
Who are those other voices we haven’t been introduced to?
FRANK
[overlapping] Oh, you don’t want to know.
SASHA
[overlapping] I’m sorry, how rude –
[LAUGHTER]
JONNY
[overlapping] Oh, no, no, not at the same time now, one of you – one at a time, please.
[BEAT OF SILENCE]
ALEX
Now neither of you speak, that’s how this works.
SASHA
I’m sorry, how rude, I’m Sasha, I play Georgie on The Magnus Archives and today I play Gabrielle Schreiber, a very skeptical detective who’s following leads whether they are present or not!
[LAUGHTER]
JONNY
And finally…
FRANK
I am Frank, I play Basira in The Magnus Archives and today I am playing Detective Carl Husselback, who’s… I mean, largely his role right now is just be covered in blood.
JONNY
I mean, yeah, it’s probably not going to change.
FRANK
No.
ALEX
We thought – we thought we’d shake things up by having you play some kind of police- oh, wait.
FRANK
So outside my comfort zone.
JONNY
So. When last we left our… [dubious] heroes?
LOWRI
Absolutely.
SASHA
Protagonists.
JONNY
[overlapping] Protagonists.
ALEX
[overlapping] I think Schreiber could be competent.
JONNY
You had found some clues about a body that involved some trains, question mark. And then you did some very embarrassing things that had the chief yelling at your sergeant.
ALEX
But importantly – not us.
JONNY
No, no. And as long as the sergeant isn’t one of those bosses that passes their irritation and displeasure down the line, you should be fine.
[SFX: OFFICE NOISES, TYPEWRITERS]
ALEX
I mean, I’m sure being at the very, very bottom rung means that the problems are never going to reach me, I’m sure.
JONNY
He’s given you twenty-four hours to crack the case. [lowers voice] So, what are you gonna do?
ARCHIE
So I’m seeing here that we’ve got – we’ve got a code, right. And we’ve got a whistle, so is this what they mean when they – like it’s – like a whistleblower? Is this – is that what we’re dealing with here?
EMMA
Kid, it – it really could be.
LOWRI
I’m gonna take that code and I’m gonna cross-reference it with my –
CHIEF
[shouting, distant] Husselback! Is one of your detectives doing wordplay? I hate wordplay! You got twenty hours!
ARCHIE
Oh my god, Walensky –
CARL
[overlapping] Thanks, rookie.
ARCHIE
[continuing] Walensky, you’re in so much trouble.
EMMA
Kid, it rolls off my back.
CARL
You’re on graveyard shift after this. When this case is over.
ARCHIE
Oh, I hate the graveyard shift, it’s wet and damp and lonely. Little tombs on the… [trails off].
JONNY
It is. Like, the Duskhollow graveyard is interesting. All the graves are very old. No one ever actually seems to be buried there, there are – sometimes you’ll see burial parties, but they always look basically like the same people clustered around a grave. There’s no church, there aren’t any churches of any religion in Duskhollow. There is a gravedigger but, you know, he just keeps to himself mostly.
FRANK
[overlapping] He’s just some guy.
ALEX
He got tenure and just hasn’t been doing the job since.
JONNY
Pretty much.
LOWRI
I’m gonna be looking for codes in the timetables, using this code or the number that we got from the inside of the dead man’s body.
ALEX
9F92251, you mean.
LOWRI
[overlapping] That exact one.
ALEX
Sorry, 9F-92251.
LOWRI
Yeah.
JONNY
So there are quite a lot of – there are quite a lot of 9F codes, but they – none of them go any higher than 9F-92250.
[VARIOUS PEOPLE “HMM”]
LOWRI
[whispers] This is very interesting.
ARCHIE
So, I have a hunch…
EMMA
Yes, go with it, kid.
ARCHIE
So I’m gonna go to the library, but can I have some salt first, please?
LOWRI
Emma looks so proud of you.
JONNY
[overlapping slightly] You’re running out of salt.
FRANK
I hate this department.
[LAUGHTER]
LOWRI
I look you –
JONNY
[overlapping] How’s your transfer coming, Husselback?
FRANK
Keeps getting rejected.
LOWRI
I look Archie dead in the eye –
EMMA
I am so proud of you.
LOWRI
And I hand him my salt shaker. All of it.
ARCHIE
[overlapping] [shocked] Full up?
EMMA
Yeah. Yeah, I knew you had it in you, kid.
ALEX
I hold it like it’s a live grenade and slowly walk out towards the library, holding this with both hands!
JONNY
Okay.
SASHA
You’re leaving yourself without salt.
LOWRI
Look, I think he needs it more than I do, I only taught him about the salt showing the aliens, there are other ways to find the aliens.
SASHA
[overlapping] Okay, okay.
JONNY
Okay. What about Husselback and Schreiber, what are you up to?
SASHA
Well, so far I have been, you know, hassling the Mariners, but I think I’ve been –
JONNY
Following the same lead over and over again to see if anything new falls out?
[ALEX LAUGHS]
SASHA
Yeah, yeah. What – I’ve been working real hard and doing great work so it’s definitely time for me to reward myself with a coffee.
[SFX: OUTSIDE, RAIN, SOUNDS OF A CAR ENGINE]
JONNY
Mm-hmm.
SASHA
I do have this receipt from Whateley & Sons Books And Curios and it is right next to my favorite coffee place, so I guess I’ll swing by while I’m there, but I don’t expect to find anything.
JONNY
[overlapping slightly] Are you going with – are you going with Frank? Or are you doing your own thing, following a maverick course.
FRANK
Yeah, I haven’t made any notes so I’m just gonna follow Schreiber.
JONNY
Okay, fair enough. We will start… let’s start at Whateley’s.
SASHA
Okay.
JONNY
Whateley & Sons Books And Curios is old. If you can imagine like a Victorian curiosity shop dropped into a noir high street, that’s what it is. The window is full of rare tomes, strange little antiques. There is a stuffed tiger, a little cuddly tiger that just looks at you. It’s actually pretty cute, you know, I said it a bit like it was creepy but it’s not actually creepy, it’s just – just a cuddly toy. The bell rings as you push the door open.
[DOOR OPENS, BELL RINGS]
[RAIN, OUTSIDE SOUNDS FADE OUT]
ALEX
I’m thinking very Dutch angles and like chiaroscuro in here…
JONNY
Oh, very much so, very much so, there’s like – there aren’t enough lamps in here and everything has quite stark shadows.
ALEX
This is either Chinatown kid or is – the owner is Helena Bonham-Carter. I can’t decide which but it’s gonna be one of them.
FRANK
[overlapping] Why not both?
ALEX
Ah, fair point.
SASHA
Okay, so is anybody come out when the bell rings, or –
JONNY
Not immediately, no. You can’t see the desk, it’s – it’s sort of behind various piles of old books and – and an old grand piano, that is covered in books.
SASHA
Okay. Well, I will kind of wander around, making sure that my footsteps are falling in a very police-y way, you know.
JONNY
Okay. As you round a corner in the books, a man is there. He’s middling height but very stooped. Just a very long face goes down quite a way with little small round spectacles.
WHATELEY
Hello.
GABRIELLE
Mr. Whateley?
WHATELEY
That’s me, Eustace Whateley, what can I do for you, what sort of delights can I purvey to you this day?
GABRIELLE
I’m afraid we’re actually here about some previously purveyed delights.
WHATELEY
Oh. Oh, dear. Nobody’s come to a horrible end, have they?
GABRIELLE
It’s rather suspicious that you should say that, can I ask what led you to that conclusion?
WHATELEY
I was just asking questions.
GABRIELLE
We’ll ask the questions here.
WHATELEY
[overlapping] Can a man not express some idle curiosity about the horrible deaths –
CARL
[overlapping] No.
WHATELEY
[continuing] – that might be associated with things he has sold them?
CARL
Not unless a man plans to give more information, more context?
[MUFFLED LAUGHTER IN THE BACKGROUND]
WHATELEY
I mean, what is this about? Also, who are you? Are you buying anything?
CARL
[overlapping] Probably not.
GABRIELLE
Detective Schreiber –
WHATELEY
Oh, the police! Detectives, yes, I’m so dreadfully sorry, how very rude of me. I always do my best to cooperate fully with the police.
GABRIELLE
You made a sale, a little while ago. There was a conductor’s hat.
WHATELEY
Oh, dear.
GABRIELLE
And a timetable, I believe.
WHATELEY
Yes, a train timetable.
GABRIELLE
Comma “old”.
WHATELEY
Mm, comma “old”. [chuckles] Not to be confused with comma “ancient”. Or comma “undated”.
GABRIELLE
[overlapping] Right.
WHATELEY
Or comma “future”? I sell a lot of interesting things.
GABRIELLE
Alright, well this isn’t an advert, you’re not on the radio here.
[LOWRI LAUGHS]
Would you care to tell us about those particular items? Were they of any interest?
JONNY
Could you please make me a Smokes roll?
SASHA
I feel like these have gone a bit too well for me so far.
[DICE ROLLING]
And, there we go.
ALEX
[overlapping] [enthusiastic] Yay!
SASHA
That’s a one.
JONNY
Okay.
WHATELEY
Yes, of course, of course I can. Please come this way, detectives.
JONNY
He walks back ‘round to the other side of the desk, pulls out a huge old account book, starts flicking through.
WHATELEY
Now, let me see, various volumes sold for thirty pounds…. No. An old hand organ sold for 200 pounds…. No.
JONNY
Could you please make me a wisdom test against boredom?
[SASHA LAUGHS]
SASHA
Yes, I can. That’s a ten under thirteen, so, I’m okay.
JONNY
Okay. Yeah, so –
ALEX
You’re sufficiently bored already, thank god.
SASHA
[overlapping] I am okay.
JONNY
So, yeah, you could, like – you know that he’s just stalling.
FRANK
I’m gonna wander around while he just takes his time, so much time, going through these records.
WHATELEY
An old tobacco box, comma “old”. Fifteen pounds…. No.
[MUFFLED GIGGLING]
Oh, sorry, of course, here we are, detectives.
JONNY
You have intimidation, I believe, as an expertise –
FRANK
[overlapping] Yes.
JONNY
Could you roll me Smokes as well, actually, thinking about it.
ALEX
Do you get an advantage for being covered in actual blood?
JONNY
[in character voice] No, I’m surprisingly used to that, it – it’s not –
ALEX
If anything, it’s detracting.
FRANK
Seven.
JONNY
[in character voice] Makes it feel like home.
WHATELEY
Here we are, of course, detectives. Train conductor’s cap, comma “old”. Fifty pounds.
CARL
Mm-hmm.
WHATELEY
Train timetable, comma “old”. Forty pounds. Sold to a Mrs. Angela Grockle, two days ago. Now, she was after train memorabilia, I believe, specifically those relating to the British Rail standard class of train. Fascinating, fascinating business, really. I managed to locate these for her and sold them along. I did, of course, not know anything about any curses or arcane or eldritch properties that they may have had, and no such knowledge would be provable on my part.
FRANK
You can’t see it but I had just rolled my eyes very powerfully.
JONNY
[in character voice] No, I saw that.
[LAUGHTER]
CARL
Have you sold any whistles recently?
WHATELEY
No, though originally I believe there was supposed to be a whistle that goes along with the cap as a set, but whether it was ever created, who can say.
CARL
Can you say?
WHATELEY
I – I can’t no.
[LAUGHTER]
Whether or not I can, like, I didn’t get a – I didn’t find a whistle, though apparently there was supposed to be one with the cap as part of the set, and indeed the timetable. Detectives, I’ve been in this situation enough times, selling the harmless curios that I do that sometimes may end up… pivotal aspects of murder scenes, who can say? But I’ve been around – I’ve done this dance enough times that it is probably a good idea for me to come clean. I do have a second copy of that timetable. I may have made myself a copy that I can provide to you as long as you remember how helpful I was to Duskhollow Police Department. I would very much hate for anyone to think that I was in any way involved with covering up or trying to excuse any sort of horrific crime. I’m simply a humble shopkeeper.
CARL
Yeah, alright, we’ll take that timetable.
GABRIELLE
And you mentioned that you found this cap and timetable. Where exactly did you find it?
WHATELEY
Oh, where does anyone buy antiques? Elsewhere.
GABRIELLE
[overlapping] Here?
[LAUGHTER]
WHATELEY
Some dealers I’m acquainted with found them in their own auctions, often. Estate sales. Washed up on lonely beaches. Where do antiques come from? All over the place.
CARL
[overlapping] Did you have any more specific information about these particular items?
WHATELEY
No.
CARL
That is all you had to say.
WHATELEY
Yes. Well, actually now I think about it, now I really think – now that I am so very keen to help out the police department, I believe that these were acquired from the old stationmaster of the Duskhollow trainyard.
ALEX
Write that down!
[SOUNDS OF WRITING, FRANK MUMBLING]
SASHA
[overlapping] [singing] Stationmaster, stationmaster.
FRANK
[overlapping] [talking while writing] Duskhollow…
JONNY
And he will provide you with a copy of an old train timetable. That is strange, actually. Lots of different train designations but all of them have arrival times and dates of this year. Whatever year this might be in Duskhollow, it’s hard to tell but it’s definitely this one.
SASHA
Sorry, so when you say they’re for this year, is it for the bit of the year that hasn’t –
JONNY
It’s for the future, yes.
SASHA
But aren’t all train timetables for the future?
JONNY
I mean not those sold as antiques, usually.
SASHA
[overlapping] Oh, I see, of course, it’s an antique! Oh, it’s an antique! Yeah…
JONNY
[overlapping] It was printed – it was printed like fifty years ago.
ALEX
[overlapping] It’s – it’s timetable, comma “present”.
SASHA
Timetable, comma “present”, comma “old”.
ALEX
Yeah.
GABRIELLE
Oh, I see what the – the issue is with this, Sarge. It’s a misprint. Those can be very valuable, you know, you get a – you get a book with a typo in it, it’s more valuable because it’s rarer, dates it specific. So this one, it’s a misprint.
CARL
Hmm.
FRANK
On a quick glance, does the 9F-92251 show up at all?
JONNY
Yes. It’s scheduled to arrive at eight o’clock tonight.
[LOWRI INHALES DRAMATICALLY]
ALEX
[overlapping] Yay!
LOWRI
Oohh.
ALEX
You should wait on the train tracks, just to be sure.
FRANK
I will not do that.
[LAUGHTER]
JONNY
So.
FRANK
[overlapping] Don’t want another character killed by a train.
JONNY
[continuing] Let’s cut to the library.
ALEX
Okay I – I stride –
JONNY
[overlapping slightly] The library is, like, a tall imposing building, lots of oak, lots of beams of light. For a town the size of Duskhollow, the library is way too big and very echoey.
ALEX
I stride powerfully up and, utilizing my library card supplies, I’m still not sure how supplies work but it’s one of the ones I’ve got –
[SFX: FOOTSTEPS ECHO, SOUNDS OF QUIET TALKING IN BACKGROUND]
JONNY
What’s your dice?
ALEX
D8.
JONNY
Roll a d8.
FRANK
To see if you brought your library card.
[DICE ROLLING]
ALEX
Seven.
JONNY
Yes.
LIBRARIAN
Yes. Oh, yes, hello. Hello, what can I can do for you?
ALEX
[overlapping] I’ve forgotten my voice, one second.
JONNY
[overlapping] This is the – this is the librarian’s voice.
ARCHIE
Ah jeez –
SASHA
[overlapping] I’m sorry –
LIBRARIAN
My name is – my name is Arthur, yes. Hello?
SASHA
[overlapping] It’s – it’s just that that’s the same voice that Jonny uses when he pretends to be our cats.
[LAUGHTER]
JONNY
[in the same pretentious voice] That’s nonsense, I don’t know what you’re talking about.
ARCHIE
Ah jeez… ehm, okay –
LIBRARIAN
[overlapping] I’m a libr- I’m Arthur the librarian, at the Duskhollow Public Library.
[SASHA LAUGHING]
ARCHIE
Ah jeez.
LIBRARIAN
What can I do for you? Officer?
ARCHIE
So, I –
LIBRARIAN
You have a library card, so it’s all in order.
ARCHIE
I am looking for train books because I’ve got to research, like, a train, um… thing.
LIBRARIAN
Hmm, well, train books will be under T. For… train books.
ARCHIE
You don’t have any kind of cross-referencing system?
LIBRARIAN
[overlapping] Do you need –
ARCHIE
[continuing] I’m gonna – I’m – I actually have library user as an expertise.
LIBRARIAN
I believe that – no, this library, we believe that Dewey was a fool.
ARCHIE
Do you have an indexing system that I can perhaps cross-reference with?
LIBRARIAN
No. [pause] But I know where they all are.
FRANK
I am the index!
ALEX
[imitating librarian] I’m indexing right now!
SASHA
[laughing] Oh no!
LIBRARIAN
They’re over there, here, I’ll show you.
JONNY
He takes you over to a big wall with a little brass plaque, reading “train books”.
ARCHIE
Excellent. Well, I guess I’d better get started.
ALEX
Oh, before I forget, I pull out a salt shaker and just – salt his face.
[LOWRI LAUGHS]
LIBRARIAN
Oh, my face! Oh no! God, salt in my face!
LOWRI
Yeesss!
LIBRARIAN
That’s really not what I came to work hoping would happen.
ALEX
[overlapping] Wait. Wait, wait, wait –
FRANK
[overlapping] Would you say he was… assaulted?
ALEX
[overlapping] No other –
[SEVERAL PEOPLE “OOOH” AT FRANK’S PUN]
FRANK
I’m so sorry, I hate myself.
ALEX
[overlapping] The important –
SASHA
Bet he’s feeling pretty salty about it.
[FRANK LAUGHS]
FRANK
Nice.
JONNY
He sort of staggers away to go wash his eyes out.
ARCHIE
[whispers] Oh my god, she was right, that’s the only NPC that’s reacted to salt! [louder] I found a real one!
ALEX
Okay, I am gonna begin researching the heck out of old trains.
JONNY
Make me a Flashlight roll.
ALEX
Come on d4.
[DICE ROLLING]
JONNY
Oh, you only have a d4 left?
ALEX
Yep.
JONNY
Okay, well, it’s fine, you got a three –
ALEX
[overlapping] I rolled a three.
JONNY
So, that’s – that’s enough. So. 9F-92251, if you’re cross-referencing it with the old British Rail standards –
ALEX
Well, naturally.
JONNY
Those were a particular brand of locomotive that… only 999 of them were ever made. Officially. The 999th one was 9F-92250. So, if there were to be a train with the designation 9F-92251, that would make it the secret thousandth locomotive.
ARCHIE
Okay, okay, so that’s – let’s work with what we know here. We have a secret thousandth locomotive. We have a librarian who is some kind of alien. And we have someone having a heart attack so big that they exploded. And then someone came in and took their heart later? And then they sort of exploded. Hmm. Okay.
ALEX
I go back to the librarian who is presumably in great disproportionate… [unintelligible].
LIBRARIAN
[overlapping] [still recovering] Oh, yes, yes, uh… I’m okay, I’ve washed my eyes out and, uh… I’m keen to help you again.
ARCHIE
What – what can you tell me about local records on like…
ALEX
I bring up, like, this specific type of locomotive and just like –
ARCHIE
Do you know where, like, when they stopped being in commission?
LIBRARIAN
Hmm. I mean, I don’t really – I mean, but if it was anything to do with Duskhollow then I imagine that any decommissioned trains would have gone to the old train graveyard, the railyard.
ARCHIE
Fantastic. Bye!
ALEX
I salt him a little bit more –
[Librarian makes sounds of shock and distress]
ALEX
[continuing] – and head off to the trainyard.
[LAUGHTER]
LIBRARIAN
That’s last thing I wanted to occur based on this interaction.
ALEX
I leave – I leave backwards, keeping him in my eyesight because I know an alien when I see one reacting to salt in the eyes, like an alien, not a human.
[DOOR OPENING, RAIN STARTS AGAIN]
LOWRI
Oh, I’m so proud of you.
ALEX
I’m learning. I got this.
JONNY
And are you letting anyone else know that you’re going to the trainyard?
ALEX
Well, none of them have mobile telephones. I am going to go to the rotary phone.
JONNY
Mm-hmm.
ALEX
Wait, is there a chance that the chief could pick up?
JONNY
Yes.
ALEX
I’m going straight to the yard, I’m not calling anyone.
JONNY
Okay, brilliant! Brilliant. I’m gonna stick with –
ALEX
Okay!
JONNY
– gonna stick with… young Alex.
ALEX
I’m sure you mean young Archie Murdoch.
JONNY
Well actually, yeah, okay, I’m gonna stick with grizzled old Alex playing young Archie.
ALEX
There we go.
JONNY
You can approach the railyard. It makes zero sense that a town the size of Duskhollow would have such an extensive train graveyard. But it does. It’s maybe… it’s hard to tell exactly how big it is. But the fence is remarkably easy to hop and you start to wind your way through ancient rusting carriages and hollowed-out locomotives. They’re old lamps staring at you like [whispers dramatically] empty sockets of a skull.
ALEX
Okay. It’s –
JONNY
[overlapping] What are you looking for?
ALEX
So, this is feeling quite sketchy, so I’m gonna draw my salt.
JONNY
Mm-hmm. Okay.
ALEX
And then what I’m gonna do is… I’m gonna – I’m gonna –
JONNY
You do also have a shotgun, as I recall.
[LAUGHTER]
ALEX
Yeah, well, I see which way the wind’s blowing. [loud] Due alien! [normal] With a hint of salt. So, my logic is… I have expertise in engineering.
JONNY
Mm-hmm.
ALEX
I’ve used me library. In terms of engineering, it’s like, okay, cool, it’s this type of train –
JONNY
[overlapping] Yep.
ALEX
So realistically it’s on this gauge of track, realistically if it’s gonna be in a train graveyard or something similar then it’s gonna have to be in a certain type of shed because you have gauges and so on –
JONNY
[overlapping] Could you make me –
ALEX
[continuing] – I’m trying to narrow down where that train would be if it was here.
JONNY
Yep, that’s fine, you can 100% do that. It’s so easy for you, I’m not even gonna go into details about how you do. Are you in any way sneaking or are you…
ALEX
God, no!
JONNY
Okay, great, so as you get closer, into a nearby hill out of the train graveyard is a tunnel. Dark tunnel, just stretching away into the hill. And there is a track that leads from it into the center of the train graveyard. And stood there, there are eight people, wearing hooded jackets that, even in the gloom, you can tell [whisper dramatically] are anoraks.
ALEX
Do any of them wear like station hats at all?
JONNY
It’s hard to tell. As you’re getting closer you feel some strong arms gripping you either side. Could you make a strength test, please? I’m gonna say at disadvantage because there are two of them.
ALEX
Am I able to use my special ability of swings and leaps, being just vaguely acrobatic or is this not an applicable one?
JONNY
If you had been like – if you’d been jumping from train to train or something, yes, this is just trying to escape being nabbed.
ALEX
[overlapping slightly] They got me. Strength with disadvantage? Little did you know –
[DICE ROLLING]
That’s the first one. We got a seven on the table.
[DICE ROLLING]
Thirteen, nooo! Oh, I’ve ruined your story, but nevermind.
JONNY
You are grasped. I mean, it’s not my story, you’re the one who decided to go to the trainyard without any backup. You are yanked backwards by two very big guys in anoraks.
BIG GUY 1
What we got here? Looks like a looky-loo.
ARCHIE
No, I’m – I’m – I’m a cop and I’m allowed to go wherever I want ‘cause the Sarge says so.
BIG GUY 2
Take him to the track.
JONNY
And –
ARCHIE
We’re – we’re on the track…. That’s what – I don’t understand…
JONNY
[overlapping slightly] You are dragged down on the center. One of the figures in anoraks comes forward, lowers the hood and you see Angela Grockle wearing a station – wearing a conductor’s cap.
[SASHA GASPS]
ALEX
I have never met her and I have no idea who she is.
JONNY
[overlapping] With a whistle – yeah, no, you have no idea – with a whistle around her, uh – this is entirely for the – the audience’s benefit.
ALEX
That’s fine.
JONNY
With an old tin whistle hung around her neck.
ANGELA
And what can I do for you, officer?
ARCHIE
Now. The thing with Archie Murdoch –
ANGELA
I don’t really care. Tie him to the track, please.
ARCHIE
Oh, dammit.
JONNY
You are tied to the track.
ALEX
I keep yelling out because I’m reading my stats and thinking of anything – I’m yelling out on the track –
ARCHIE
Don’t do that, I – I alre- I swallowed the other whistle, it’ll all go wrong if you do that!
JONNY
The figures around are not chanting, or saying anything.
ALEX
[overlapping] Oh, well that’s a win.
JONNY
But they are each scratching stuff into their own little notebooks in a very specific rhythm.
[HE IMITATES THE SOUND OF RHYTHMIC WRITING]
[SFX OF RHYTHMIC WRITING]
Cut back to: the rest of the squad.
[RAIN FADES OUT, REPLACED WITH SOUNDS OF POLICE DEPARTMENT]
ARCHIE
Oh no. Oh jeez. Oh jeez!
LOWRI
Well… I would actually like to use one of my special abilities, because I’m just by myself.
JONNY
Yeah – uh, have you guys returned to the police station, yet? Frank and Sasha?
SASHA
Well, we’ve got our coffee, so… I guess so?
FRANK
Yeah.
JONNY
So, they’ll be… returning to the police station, very shortly.
LOWRI
Okay, well I wanted to use my special ability “deduction”.
JONNY
Okay, yeah.
LOWRI
Which is, once per session you can apply your powers of deduction and reasoning to reach a “strange” conclusion and require the GM to provide a hint to the next best step.
JONNY
So. The thing about aliens. Is they don’t know how humans work? Not really. They get specific obsessions, specific things just stuck in their brains, not like humans. And clearly what’s going on here is some of the aliens have become obsessed with trains.
EMMA
[realization] It’s how they’re communicating with each other!
JONNY
It may be how they’re communicating with each other, maybe they believe trains to be the dominant lifeform since they’re so much bigger and eat people.
[SASHA LAUGHS]
JONNY
Either way, chances are, they’d also need somewhere inconspicuous to land their spacecraft. And if they’re really into trains, maybe the old train graveyard would be where they would be.
LOWRI
So do the three of us just look at each other and go…
JONNY
I mean these two have, uh, like – okay, you guys walk in with coffee just as you’re like – just as this is dawning on you.
FRANK
So we just walk up to you and go –
CARL
He’s going to see a train, we need to get there by 8:00.
[LAUGHTER]
EMMA
Yes, yes! The graveyard! Yes?
GABRIELLE
I mean, can’t hurt to –
EMMA
[overlapping] [agitated] What time is it? [pause] Quarter to eight?
SASHA
[overlapping] What time is it?
JONNY
Uh, it’s currently – it’s currently half past seven.
SASHA
How long does it take to get to the trainyard?
JONNY
About 20 minutes.
SASHA
Cool.
EMMA
[overlapping] We haven’t got time!
CARL
[overlapping] We can go really fast in my police car!
JONNY
I mean roll me your – roll me your police car!
[DICE ROLLING]
FRANK
Three.
[CAR ENGINE STARTS]
JONNY
That’s enough! You do not crash.
ALEX
Which one of you is leaning out the window yelling [imitates siren] nee-naw nee-naw?
[SIREN STARTS]
JONNY
Uh, no, you’ve got an actual siren –
ALEX
[overlapping] Wooow. Big budget.
JONNY
[continuing] – you’ve got an actual siren, it’s going around, it’s one of those domed ones.
FRANK
Ooh.
ALEX
Oh, the, uh, [questioning] cherry, is that what they call it?
JONNY
Yeah, I want to say. As you hurtle through the rain, towards the graveyard –
LOWRI
When we get closer to the graveyard, I’ll say –
EMMA
Turn the siren off, [lowers voice] you don’t want to let them know we’re here.
ALEX
[laughing] Do I hear the distant strains of a honky-tonk as someone twirls their mustache? I’m like [high-pitched] “No, no, let me go!” [sings bar of dramatic music] duh-dah-duh, da-da-da-dun…
JONNY
[overlapping] Alex. Alex, you are currently tied to the tracks. The rain beats down, soaking you through. In the distance, you hear the sound of a police car and then it stops.
[RAIN BEGINS]
[SIREN STOPS]
ARCHIE
[Alex laughing] Aw jeez. Oh no. I’m so on my own. Oh jeez.
JONNY
Angela blows the whistle –
[LOWRI GASPS]
– and it resonates.
[SHRILL WHISTLE]
And all trains and the carriages around, all the rusted old hulks, start to vibrate ever so slightly. And distantly, deep within the tunnel you can see just a pinprick of light, starting to approach.
ALEX
I would like to attempt to use my other special ability so that I’ve blown it by the time I get run over by a train.
JONNY
Mm-hmm.
ALEX
I would like to use my special abilities MacGyver.
JONNY
Okay!
ALEX
Once per session, you can improvise a solution to a situation using available tools, devices, and uncommon lore.
JONNY
Okay.
ALEX
So, I am going to use – see, this is – this is playing into an Alex strength, which is bull [censored] on the fly. I happen to have palmed one of the Marlboro Reds that were from earlier and as a result, I’ve got that sequestered along with the lighter. Now, it just so happens that Archie Murdoch with his engineering knowledge knows that there is an issue in these kind of train lines where a certain amount of aluminium oxide can end up laid into the track as a result of the soldering process to make the rails.
JONNY
Mm-hmm.
ALEX
So, his logic is very simple which is “you can’t burn through your ropes using the cigarette, it won’t – it’d take too long”, but what he’s doing is he’s slowly accruing as much dust as he can, buying time to then light the cigarette in hopes that the aluminium oxide thermite will go [imitates burst of flame], and then burn through the ropes so that he can then, with the big bright light going off from the thermite, both escape and run away as a distracting bright light goes off.
JONNY
[overlapping] So, you – what you’re doing, to be absolutely clear –
ALEX
I’m setting myself on fire, Jonny.
JONNY
You’re – you’re act- you’re trying to burn some thermite underneath you.
ALEX
Yes! In order to burn my ropes, make a big bright light so they’re like “Oh, my eyes!” and then I’ll get away.
JONNY
[overlapping] Yep, okay, grand. Uh, so while that’s happening the police car pulls up, [he makes a screeching noise] screeches to a stop just outside the train graveyard.
EMMA
I’m coming, kid!
FRANK
Well, I was gonna suggest stealth.
[LAUGHTER]
JONNY
Yeah, you hear [muffled, distant] “I’m coming, kid!”
ALEX
Yes!
JONNY
Two of the anoraks look up. Angela gestures –
ANGELA
Go sort it out.
LOWRI
I’m gonna draw my Colt official police revolver –
JONNY
Yep.
LOWRI
Which, I have special bullets if that is acceptable to you –
JONNY
[overlapping] It is not, no.
LOWRI
[continuing] – which I have treated with salt.
JONNY
Okay, here’s what I’m going to say.
LOWRI
Mm-hmm.
JONNY
So your revolver is technically a d6, rather than anything else this – this refers – like, this is an ammo die, it determines when you’re out of ammo. If you’ve treated your bullets with salt, it is now a d4 because it’s probably going to jam.
LOWRI
Okay!
JONNY
Okay, good. Alright, good – good to know.
[LOWRI LAUGHS]
ALEX
Oh, am I gagged, by the way? Just so I know.
JONNY
Uh, [deliberating] no?
ALEX
Okay, good to know, good to know.
SASHA
Mistake on their part.
[LAUGHTER]
JONNY
[overlapping] If you do – if you do speak though, they will go “Shh!” and return to what they were doing.
ALEX
That’s fine, I’m – I’m not gonna – I’m just gonna choose my moments.
JONNY
So, how are you guys getting in?
SASHA
Well, I have got lock-picking, I can pick any lock by making a Flashlight roll, so…
JONNY
Make a Flashlight roll. Yeah, there’s – there’s one of those big old wire mesh gates –
SASHA
Where’s my d10? Where’s my d10? Oh, there it is, right.
ALEX
[overlapping] I think Lowri snagged it.
JONNY
Oh, I’ve completely forgotten to get any of you to make any sort of stress roll –
[DICE ROLLING]
SASHA
Five!
JONNY
[continuing] – it’s too late, now. Well, actually, no, it’s not. Archie, make a stress roll because you’re about to be crushed by a spectral train!
[LAUGHTER]
ALEX
Would you like me to make you, like, three?
JONNY
Yeah, go on, just knock yourself out. Just keep – just keep –
ALEX
Uh, okay, I’m on d8, so…
JONNY
Actually, no. Actually, no, roll with disadvantage, so two d8s and take the lowest.
ALEX
‘Kay.
[TWO DICE ROLLING IN QUICK SUCCESSION]
Four!
JONNY
You’re fine, apparently, this is apparently, just not a – not an issue for you, uh –
ALEX
And also I wouldn’t worry too much, I mean, like, the library wasn’t really that stressful for me, so I think – I think I’m kind of up to scratch –
JONNY
Yeah, fair, fair. Okay. So, the gate swings open – [to Sasha] what did you roll on your Flashlights?
SASHA
A five.
JONNY
Five, yeah, you’re fine. The gate swings open. The train graveyard is quiet before you, the rain beating down. In the distance, deep in the distance, you can hear the whistle of a train coming.
LOWRI
I –
ALEX
And Archie’s using this opportunity to yell –
ARCHIE
Shoot them if they’re wearing perv jackets!
[TRAIN CULTISTS SHUSH HIM]
[LAUGHTER]
LOWRI
I run towards the sound.
JONNY
You see Angela give a few of the other trainspotters a nod to send them off after these guys. As you round a corner, you can see a trainspotter, full anorak, with what looks like an old World War Two machine gun.
[LAUGHTER]
FRANK
[overlapping] Wow.
JONNY
That, uh, opens up on you. Could you please make a dexterity roll, please?
LOWRI
Absolutely, I have eighteen dexterity.
[DICE ROLLING]
Thirteen.
JONNY
Okay, so you’re taking – could you roll me a d6 – actually, no, make it a d8, for how much damage you’re taking.
[DICE ROLLING]
LOWRI
Two.
JONNY
Okay, so it just – doesn’t actually hit you, but you dive to the ground and spread yourself out on top of it.
ALEX
A light grazing from a machine gun!
JONNY
You can see other trainspotters approaching with – the other ones mainly seem to have knives drawn? Like kitchen knives. It’s mainly the knives that they found in kitchen drawers and one of them has a machine gun. So, what are you guys doing? Lowri, you’ve already done yours because if you had succeeded you would have got an attack. So, one of the things The Cthulhu Hack does is rather than having enemy attacks and player attacks, you ro- you choose what you’re doing, you make a roll, if you’re successful, you damage them. If you’re not successful, they damage you.
ALEX
Sure.
JONNY
And there are a couple of additional ones – because there are more of them, they will get one or two extra attacks on you. So. Frank. What’re you doing?
FRANK
I want to try and find the leader of this little, uh… trainspotters club.
JONNY
That would be Angela, she is currently standing over Archie, blowing her whistle. That light’s getting closer, Archie.
ALEX
It’s fine, I’ve got my thermite, this’ll solve my problems.
FRANK
So, I can see that he’s tied –
JONNY
Not at the moment, there are a couple of trainspotters between you and the circle.
FRANK
I wanna punch these trains, what does that look like?
JONNY
Okay, brilliant. That would be a strength check.
[DICE ROLLING]
FRANK
[drawn out] Fiiiive? Is it supposed to be under or –
JONNY
Under your strength.
FRANK
Oh, okay, yeah, I rolled a five.
ALEX
[laughs] Oh, I don’t have to lie about what I rolled then!
[LAUGHTER]
JONNY
[overlapping] What’s your – what’s unarmed damage?
FRANK
It is a… d8.
JONNY
Fantastic, roll a d8.
[DICE ROLLING]
FRANK
One.
[JONNY LAUGHS]
ALEX
[overlapping] Roll better.
JONNY
I mean, you like shove him. And he sort of staggers back and he’s like –
TRAINSPOTTER
[baffled] What?
FRANK
I just want him out of the way!
JONNY
I mean, he’s out of the way. Uh, but he still, like, has a knife and is like [weird voice] “I’m gonna stab you”.
[ALEX LAUGHS]
FRANK
[overlapping] Well, don’t.
JONNY
So, Sasha.
SASHA
I’m gonna be trying to, like, hop up onto trains and then run across them to basically, like, avoid the ground –
ALEX
[overlapping] Oh, I should’ve done that.
SASHA
[continuing] – and get there real quick.
JONNY
Make me a dexterity roll.
SASHA
Okay.
[DICE ROLLING]
That’s bad! I got a twenty.
JONNY
That is bad.
SASHA
And a twelve – which is over twelve.
JONNY
So, you climb up onto the top of the train and unfortunately, standing there is just the biggest anorak you’ve seen with what looks like… you know those gardening implements that you sort of dig in and used to pull up weeds.
SASHA
Yeah.
JONNY
Got one of them and he just stabs you.
[LOWRI GASPS]
SASHA
Oh no!
JONNY
Roll me a d10 for your damage.
SASHA
[overlapping] That’s real bad!
[DICE ROLLING]
Two.
JONNY
Okay, so it – you – it stabs you a bit –
SASHA
[overlapping] Just a little stabbing.
[LAUGHTER]
JONNY
[overlapping] Just a little bit of a stabbing.
GABRIELLE
Ow!
JONNY
So, there are a couple of others who are charging with knives, one will go for Husselback, and one will go for Walensky. So could you both make me strength rolls, please.
ALEX
I’d help but I’m here to raise the stakes, sorry guys.
[SASHA AND LOWRI LAUGH]
[TWO DICE ROLLING]
LOWRI
I got seventeen, so my strength is six.
FRANK
[overlapping] Fourteen.
JONNY
[to Frank] Yeah, so you’re fine – you’re fine, you managed to just, like, kick him away. [to Lowri] You get a little bit more stabbed. Just a – this’ll just be a d6, I think.
[DICE ROLLING]
LOWRI
Three.
JONNY
So, that’s three damage.
LOWRI
Down to six.
ALEX
You want to be tied to the train tracks, much safer!
LOWRI
Apparently so.
ALEX
How’s my thermite plan going?
JONNY
You’ve got enough if you want to – if you want to light it.
ALEX
Archie yells out – because Archie knows that thermite burns really brightly –
ARCHIE
Uh, aw jeez, uh, [yells] hey! Everybody look over here! Ooh!
ALEX
And then lights the thermite. In hopes of maybe getting –
JONNY
[overlapping] Okay, so. I’m going to straight – like, I would – I would ask you to make a saving throw but you’re lighting some thermite under you.
ALEX
Not a lot! Little bit.
JONNY
So – mm, okay. So, what I’m gonna say… is please roll me a d10 for how much damage you take. If you roll one or a two, you do not burn through the ropes. If you roll three or above, you burn through the ropes. You are also taking this much damage, to be clear.
ALEX
Oh, this is great!
LOWRI
Wow.
ALEX
Okay.
SASHA
How much health have you got?
ALEX
Was just gonna say. Okay, so… I can kill myself with this.
FRANK
Nice.
ALEX
So let’s see how we’re doing.
[DICE ROLLING]
In fact, there’s a solid chance I’m killing myself with this.
[VARIOUS PEOPLE EXCLAIM]
So I have seven hit points, I have done myself six hit points worth of damage.
FRANK
[overlapping] Jesus.
JONNY
Okay, you burn through the rope. So, there is a bright light as, uh –
EMMA
[overlapping] Kid, no!
JONNY
[continuing] – Archie’s MacGyvered thermite ignites, igniting the ropes, igniting him –
[ARCHIE YELLS]
ARCHIE
[overlapping] Aw jeez! Aw, it’s everywhere! Oh god!
JONNY
– you are – you took six damage! You are – and you are very much on fire. Just to be clear –
ARCHIE
[overlapping] Aw jeez, oh god!
EMMA
[overlapping] Drop and roll, kid! Drop and roll!
JONNY
[overlapping] – you are super on fire.
ARCHIE
[overlapping] [hysterical] Oh jeez, oh god! Oh boy! Oh boy! Oh, I’d rather have the goo! Aw jeez, oh man, oh jeez.
JONNY
But at the very least you’re freed!
ALEX
I immediately try to run off, on fire, away from the train that’s clearly gonna crush me before I burn to death from the fire I lit on myself.
JONNY
You can see, approaching now – it’s – like, as you go up, you can see, reflected down the tunnel, a locomotive of black glass approaching.
ALEX
Oh, good god.
JONNY
At a reasonable clip.
ALEX
Yeah, I’ll take the thermite burns, thanks.
JONNY
Glowing green smoke billowing from the stack.
LOWRI
Can we all see it?
JONNY
Uh, no you’re not there yet.
LOWRI
Ahh.
ALEX
[overlapping] Yeah, I am – I am – [unintelligible].
JONNY
But you can – you can get there, now, if you’d like.
LOWRI
Yeah, I’m still running to –
EMMA
[yells] Kid!
JONNY
Okay, so I’ll say that you can reach them. Are you attacking any of the trainspotters or are you – what do – what do you?
LOWRI
I’m saving all of my salt bullets for that train that’s coming towards us, ‘cause it’s clearly an alien.
FRANK
Oh my god.
JONNY
I mean, I’m gonna say you can see the train, if you want to take a shot at the train… just go for it, go for it, try to shoot the train.
LOWRI
[overlapping slightly] I’m going for it. What do I roll?
JONNY
Dexterity would be for a – for a bullet.
LOWRI
Not damage?
JONNY
No, not – I mean, you’ve got to hit it first.
LOWRI
Oh yeah, of course, sorry. Oh dear, I have dexterity eight.
[DICE ROLLING]
FRANK
What if you miss the train?
LOWRI
I hit the train!
ALEX
[overlapping] Yes!
SASHA
[overlapping] Hooray!
LOWRI
I got a six!
JONNY
Okay, could you roll me…
LOWRI
Well, armed I have a d6.
JONNY
You have – so that’s a d6 damage.
ALEX
But you’re using salt bullets.
LOWRI
Oh, yeah.
JONNY
So that’s a d6 damage. D4 for the ammo.
ALEX
Oh, sorry. I’m with you now.
[DICE ROLLING]
LOWRI
Three.
JONNY
Okay, grand. It has –
ALEX
That is salt damage.
JONNY
Yes. Uh –
LOWRI
It’s clearly a supernatural alien train, it has green smoke.
JONNY
Yes it is, but it’s also… not vulnerable to salt!
[ALEX AND LOWRI LAUGH]
LOWRI
No, you’re wrong!
ALEX
[overlapping, quieter] It’s okay, I’m on fire, I didn’t notice.
JONNY
[overlapping] So, your bullet – I mean, your bullet hits the huge train and backtracks.
LOWRI
Does it shatter?
JONNY
No.
LOWRI
[disappointed] Oh.
JONNY
Could you please roll me a d4?
[DICE ROLLING]
LOWRI
Three.
JONNY
Hey, your gun’s still working!
LOWRI
Yay!
JONNY
So… Frank.
FRANK
Well, I was trying to get to Grockle.
JONNY
I will say that you can – you can reach her, are you just shouldering your way past the – the trainspotters who are trying to stab you?
FRANK
Yeah.
JONNY
The machine gun one is gonna try and hit you so whatever you do this turn, if you fail, you’re gonna get a little bit machine gunned.
FRANK
I’m gonna try and grab her.
JONNY
Yeah, okay. Make me a strength check.
FRANK
Oh, and I also want to try and rip the whistle off from around her neck.
ALEX
Grab her by the whistle!
JONNY
If you – if you want to go for the whistle, that’s dexterity, if you want to just grab her, that’s strength. I am gonna say, however, that she is currently supernaturally empowered by the oncoming train, and so you will be reducing your strength by four.
LOWRI
I should’ve gone for her, she can die.
JONNY
No – [sarcastic] nooo –
LOWRI
[overlapping] [laughing] No regrets.
JONNY
– Shooting the train with a pistol – with some salty bullets from a pistol? That was a great plan. That was a great plan, Lowri.
ALEX
[overlapping] No, you should have thrown your pistol at the train.
FRANK
I’m gonna go for the whistle, but can I use my ripped ability to roll at advantage?
JONNY
Are you saying you want to be so muscled, that you just –
ALEX
You’re assuming, okay, that Frank saying that they wanna grab by the hand – it could be, one pec here, one pec there –
FRANK
Yeah, do it Terry Crews style.
[LAUGHTER]
LOWRI
[overlapping] Just hug her.
JONNY
Okay, fine, you’ve still got – you’ve still got five for dexterity, so roll with advantage, do it!
FRANK
[overlapping] Yeah, I know, it’s fine.
ALEX
Grab it with your pecs!
FRANK
Okay, that was a sixteen.
JONNY
It’s not enough. I mean, it’s –
FRANK
[overlapping] Too much.
JONNY
[overlapping] – too much.
[DICE ROLLING]
FRANK
That was a fifteen.
[VARIOUS SOUNDS OF DISAPPOINTMENT]
LOWRI
[overlapping] How’d you fail?
JONNY
You flex your – [grunting noises like someone flexing] – and she sort of takes a single step back –
ALEX
Dammit! I didn’t think of that.
JONNY
Trouble is, like, it’s – you’re very strong, but not super flexible, ‘cause of all the muscles?
FRANK
[overlapping] Yeah.
[GENERAL SOUNDS OF SADNESS]
ALEX
It’s like a sticker stuck between the shoulder blades.
JONNY
[overlapping] Sasha.
SASHA
Okay, so I’m up high, presumably because I’m up high I can see what’s going on.
JONNY
Yes, you can.
SASHA
Okay, if I want to go for – I want to try and just run, grab Angela Grockle, and put the cuffs on her.
JONNY
Oh, also – sorry – you also got machine gunned, I forgot I’d said that. So could you roll a d10 and take that much damage. But you’re in decent health so it’s not a problem. Yeah, you get a little bit machine gunned for four damage. What did you say you did?
FRANK
[overlapping] Only took some bullets.
SASHA
I want to run for Angela Grockle and put the cuffs on her.
JONNY
Make me a dexterity roll.
[DICE ROLLING]
SASHA
Ten.
[ALEX “OOH”S]
Under… 12.
JONNY
Okay, so yeah, you couldn’t – you can –
FRANK
Should’ve done that and then taken the whistle.
ALEX
[overlapping] With your pecs.
FRANK
[overlapping] I know.
JONNY
[continuing] – tackle her. So you – the cuffs go round. You’re holding her. The train is literally twenty feet away and barreling towards you. Archie, what do you do?
ALEX
Grind her face down like a sandpaper on the train.
[FRANK MAKES A DISTURBED NOISE]
JONNY
Well, no, no, you’re on the track. She was standing on the track.
ALEX
[overlapping] Get off the track!
JONNY
You are currently on the track. The train is –
SASHA
I wanna – I wanna –
JONNY
[overlapping] That’ll be your next turn. Archie, what are you doing?
ALEX
Am I still on fire?
JONNY
Yes.
ALEX
I stop, drop, and roll away from the tracks.
JONNY
Okay, you are no longer on fire. That is your turn. Walensky – unless you want to try and save Schreiber, [whispers] but you would take some fire damage. [normal] Just – just a choice, just a choice I’m throwing out there for you, Archie.
LOWRI
Oh! I know, I mean…
[BEAT OF SILENCE]
Yeah, I’m gonna –
JONNY
[overlapping] Eh, too late, Walensky, your go.
LOWRI
[overlapping] I’m not –
[LOWRI MAKES A FRUSTRATED SOUND]
JONNY
What are you doing?
LOWRI
I’m going to rugby tackle Schreiber off the…
JONNY
Okay, strength check. [sing-song] If you fail this you are all getting hit by a train.
ALEX
I rolled away from the tracks, how dare you –
JONNY
[overlapping slightly] Not you. And not – not the Sarge, but like, the two who are on the track with, uh –
ALEX
The people who tried to help and rescue me.
LOWRI
I have nothing that’s gonna help me with this.
[DICE ROLLING]
One!
[CHEERING FROM OTHERS]
Oh, nailed it!
[CLAPPING]
JONNY
Okay, uh –
SASHA
Life for everyone!
[LAUGHTER]
ALEX
So not how I thought this would go.
JONNY
[overlapping slightly] So you – you leap, tackling both of them. With one hand, you yank the whistle off Angela Grockle. With the other hand, you throw the cap away.
FRANK
Pile of salt will help some.1
[ALEX LAUGHS]
ALEX
Oh, salt and burns.
JONNY
As you – like, as you do, you can feel something else snap along with the cord. Not something physical but something in reality and the train sort of… starts to shatter. You’re all peppered with little bits of glass.
ALEX
Question for the – for the DM. Are we peppered in glass Die Hard-style where it’s like “oh no, a bit a glass” or are we peppered in glass like reality-style where it’s like “oh god, we’re all in ribbons, it’s glass”.
FRANK
I assume it’s Die Hard style.
JONNY
It’s been awhile since you’ve seen Die Hard, isn’t it, ‘cause that – it messes him up!
ALEX
[overlapping] Oh, I suppose, yeah. Bad example.
JONNY
[overlapping] It messes him up, massively!
SASHA
Gets all up in his feet.
ALEX
I was thinking more like Terminator or something.
JONNY
It’s – yeah, like, it’s – it might, like, you’re fine, anyway. It’ll probably do a few points of damage to these guys but I don’t think enough to kill them.
ALEX
[overlapping] Okay, that’s kind of what I was getting at, good to know.
JONNY
The rest of the trainspotters start to scatter.
LOWRI
I shout –
EMMA
I knew it!
CARL
Right, we want to make as many arrests as we can right now. Come on, come on [snapping fingers].
GABRIELLE
Angela Grockle, I’m arresting you for the murder of Geoffrey Mariner.
JONNY
So, you – you can be going around, like, tying up a few other trainspotters, and, yep, you sort of cuff her, sit her down, couple of minutes later, in walks the judge. Flanked by a few members of the town council.
ARCHIE
Aw jeez. Oh no.
JONNY
Yeah, he gives you a look.
ARCHIE
[whispers] It’s okay, I’ve planted some Marlboros on her! We’ve got her bang to rights!
EMMA
[gasps] I’m so proud of you, boy!
JUDGE
Who made the arrest?
GABRIELLE
I did, your honour.
JUDGE
Detective Schreiber. What are the charges?
GABRIELLE
Murder of Geoffrey Mariner.
JUDGE
What is the evidence?
GABRIELLE
She had been corresponding with the deceased. Right, your honour, I’ll just – I’ll lay it out for you, I’ve got it all figured out, right, okay. Angela Grockle –
JUDGE
Yes, please explain the crime as though there were some audience who needed to be fully filled in.
[LAUGHTER]
GABRIELLE
[overlapping] Right, Angela –
JUDGE
[overlapping slightly] Which in many ways there is, because it is me, the judge.
GABRIELLE
Yes, your honor. So, Angela Grockle – several years ago, her husband dies and here’s what she does, she sets her sights on a young heir and she secretly marries him, it has to be a secret, sir, because she knows that, she is like a – a kind of middle class, middle-aged woman –
FRANK
[overlapping] Oh my gosh.
EMMA
[overlapping] [loud] It was aliens!
[ALEX LAUGHS]
GABRIELLE
Don’t listen to that, sir.
ANGELA
It was none of the- don’t –
GABRIELLE
[overlapping] So, basically –
ANGELA
This is all ridiculous. [louder] I was trying to summon a demon train, okay! It’s very simple, there was a demon train which ate my husband years ago. He was one of the original trainspotters and he was trying to summon the train for power, the power of steam. But his hubris cost him his life and I discovered a way to bring it back, but the whistle – the whistle died with him, so I had to re-manifest the whistle, so I tricked that fool. I didn’t love him, I didn’t marry him, he’s not an alien, he was just a fool –
GABRIELLE
No, well, this is the thing – she was having an affair with the housekeeper!
[LOWRI LAUGHS]
ANGELA
What, Nellie?
GABRIELLE
Yes.
ANGELA
I mean that’s got nothing to do with anything.
ARCHIE
That, and possession of Marlboros.
ANGELA
Our affair is completely tangential of this whole case.
GABRIELLE
I knew it.
ANGELA
Anyway, point is, I tried to summon a demon train and it went badly for me…
ALEX [OVERLAPPING]
I love how you have a team of cops who are derailing your confession! [quieter] Pun intended.
CARL
Well, thank you for confessing.
ANGELA
Your – your colleague’s very irritating.
[LOWRI LAUGHS QUIETLY IN THE BACKGROUND]
CARL
Yeah, uh –
ANGELA
Very irritating.
ALEX
[whisper-shouting] Yeah!
[ALEX AND LOWRI HIGH-FIVE]
CARL
Your honour, do you have a moment?
JUDGE
Yes, Sergeant, I think I do. One second. Guilty!
JONNY
He slams a gavel down on nothing in particular. It rings out and the members of the town council just sort of walk over, pick up Angela Grockle, cart her away.
JUDGE
Yes, what did you want, Sergeant?
CARL
You’ve met my, um, detectives.
ALEX
[overlapping] Give him a wa- oh. Give him a wave.
CARL
And… that one.
JUDGE
Uh-huh, yes.
CARL
I really want a transfer.
JUDGE
That’s – I don’t work for the police department –
CARL
No, but I mean, if you could put in a word that you understand and think it would be good… for my health.
EMMA
[sotto voce] Quick, kid! Pass me the salt!
JUDGE
I will not.
CARL
Fair enough.
JONNY
He turns around and leaves.
ALEX
Yay!
JONNY
Case closed, everyone!
ALEX
That’s how you know it’s a success, ‘cause everything’s the same at the end of the episode!
[LAUGHTER]
[RAIN FADES OUT]
JONNY
That was… real weird and went… [trails off, struggling to describe it].
ALEX
I survived!
FRANK
[overlapping] That was impressive!
JONNY
[overlapping] There was some energy in this room. So that was – the setting was Duskhollow PD, from MacGuffin & Company and the system was The Cthulhu Hack by Paul Baldowski. You can find more about MacGuffin & Company at macguffinandcompany.com, or patreon.com/macguffinandcompany –
ALEX
And there’ll be links in the show notes.
JONNY
There’ll be links in the show notes to all of this. You can find more information about The Cthulhu Hack at cthulhuhack.com, as well as, I believe, Paul also has a Patreon for that.
ALEX
I – I can’t believe we survived a Cthulhu Hack, I’ve never done anything like this before.
FRANK
I can’t believe you survived.
[LAUGHTER]
ALEX
[high-pitched] I know!
JONNY
To be fair, I was playing it a bit – I should have been making you guys roll a lot more stress. I don’t know, maybe I should have been hurting you more, you did get shot with a machine gun.
ALEX
[overlapping] I did set myself on fire, as well.
JONNY
[overlapping] Yeah, you did, as well.
LOWRI
[overlapping] That didn’t really do a lot of damage.
FRANK
[overlapping slightly] Sasha got stabbed!
JONNY
Yeah, like – and none of those did as much damage as Archie falling out of a window.
[LAUGHTER]
ALEX
[overlapping] That really messed me up!
FRANK
A ground floor window, into a bush.
ALEX
Oh, yeah! Hell of a bush.
SASHA
In fact, Archie did more damage than any of our, like, antagonists but he just did it to himself.
ALEX
Mega boss!
JONNY
So, thank you all for listening. There will obviously be some more Magnus hiatus content –
ALEX
[overlapping] Yup!
JONNY
– uh, coming until the start of season five. If you want more actual play goodness with mostly completely different people – except Alex is the GM in that one – Rusty Quill Gaming –
ALEX
So it’s pure chaos!
JONNY
[continuing] is – it’s – it’s a different sort of chaos. And I believe everyone else here has featured on various specials for Rusty Quill Gaming.
LOWRI
I have, on the Bermuda special, which is another of yours.
JONNY
[overlapping slightly] Yes! Yeah, MacGuffin & Company also – we do a lot of micro settings, another one, Not Far To Bermuda, where you’re all trapped on a cruise ship –
SASHA
“Trapped” is a horrible word, it’s a holiday!
JONNY
I’m sorry – yeah, you’re all having a lovely holiday for… three hundred days.
ALEX
[overlapping] It won’t end! The holiday won’t end!
JONNY
So, please have a look at that feed and have fun and most importantly – just, look after yourselves.
ALEX
Bye everyone.
JONNY
Goodbye!
ALL
Bye!
-
unsure of this ↩