JONNY
Hello again! It’s still us.
[LAUGHTER]
I say still, if you’ve started listening here rather than the last episode…. Don’t.
LOWRI
It might be interesting!
JONNY
And…
FRANK
[overlapping] Don’t let Jonny tell you what to do, live your best life.
JONNY
[overlapping] You’ll – It won’t make any sense!
FRANK
[continuing] Jump into the middle of the story, don’t understand anything!
ALEX
Middle of the episode!
JONNY
So, this is episode 2 of our Duskhollow PD actual play. [dramatic] There’s been a murder!
[EVERYONE GASPS]
You – what – it’s not a surprise! You’ve been investigating him for like an hour now!
FRANK
What!?
ALEX
Still maintaining it’s just a massive heart attack. Just an [with a lot of emphasis] enormous heart attack.
JONNY
In the sense that something attacked his heart in a weird way… then, yes.
SASHA
Was definitely the housekeeper.
ALEX
Oh, yeah, with the poisoned broth! That you insisted on guzzling.
[LAUGHTER]
SASHA
[overlapping] I was hungry, okay!
ALEX
[overlapping] Like a kid at a candy store!
LOWRI
Is that just ‘cause Sasha was hungry?
SASHA
Yes, it’s entirely because Sasha was so hungry.
ALEX
[overlapping] Oh, no, no.
[LAUGHTER]
JONNY
[overlapping] Hold on, so – so are you saying –
SASHA
– I made my character eat stew.
LOWRI
[overlapping] Go into to the kitchen –
JONNY
[overlapping] Do you – does Gabrielle –
SASHA
[overlapping] Gabrielle –
JONNY
– Schreiber believe that the stew might have been poisoned?
SASHA
No, because she did eat some and she’s still fine.
JONNY
[overlapping] Okay, okay, cool.
SASHA
Wait. Is she still fine?
[LAUGHTER]
JONNY
Yeah, that’s – that’s – let’s say yeah.
SASHA
Well, for now she hasn’t noticed any worrying symptoms but we’ll see how she rolls, I guess.
JONNY
[overlapping] Okay. Okay.
ALEX
[laughing] I love that “Is she fine?” “Depends, what’s your fortitude?”
LOWRI
[overlapping] Literally.
[LAUGHTER]
JONNY
So. You have a few – a few clues to follow up. Uh…
LOWRI
Can we introduce ourselves?
JONNY
Oh! [fake irritated] Yeah, I guess. Ugh… fine.
[LOWRI LAUGHING QUIETLY]
ALEX
That’s not how Jonny rolls in any show he’s in.
JONNY
[overlapping] [still irritated] Who are you? I – actually in this system, I do basically no rolling.
[ALEX LAUGHS]
FRANK
That’s fine, ‘cause I hate what Alex said anyway.
[LAUGHTER]
JONNY
Yeah. So, Lowri, who are you?
LOWRI
Oh, hello I’m Lowri, I produce The Magnus Archives and I’m playing Emma Walensky, conspiracy theorist.
ALEX
Extraordinaire.
LOWRI
Extraordinaire.
JONNY
[overlapping] Uh, no. [with feeling] Very much not extraordinaire!
[LAUGHTER]
[LOTS OF UNINTELLIGIBLE CROSSTALK]
LOWRI
[overlapping] I am really good!
JONNY
Very – very, like…
SASHA
[overlapping] Bargain bin conspiracy theorist!
[ALEX LAUGH-COUGHING IN BACKGROUND]
LOWRI
[overlapping] I believe anything!
JONNY
Conspiracy theorist ‘traordinaire. And… Frank, who are you?
FRANK
Hi, I’m Frank. I voice Basira in The Magnus Archives and I am playing Detective Sergeant Carl Husselbeck.
JONNY
Alex, who are you?
ALEX
I am Alex Newall, I voice Martin and I’m playing Archie Murdoch who I’m rapidly coming to realize is… [sounding annoyed at himself] Martin’s American cousin. He wasn’t meant to be, but he just kind of is.
FRANK
Oh, no wonder I hate him.
[LAUGHTER]
JONNY
And, Sasha?
SASHA
I’m playing Gabrielle Schreiber.
JONNY
Yeah, but who – who are you?
SASHA
Oh, sorry, yeah, no! I’m Sasha. I’m still Sasha. Me, Sasha. I play Georgie on The Magnus Archives and I’m playing Gabrielle Schreiber, skeptic, again, of regular proportions.
[LAUGHTER]
JONNY
Yep. And we are playing Duskhollow PD, a micro-setting from MacGuffin & Company, which is myself and Sasha’s games company, that you should all –
SASHA
[overlapping] It’s real good!
JONNY
Yeah, it is. It’s really good.
LOWRI
[overlapping] It is!
JONNY
And we’re using the system The Cthulhu Hack by Paul Baldowski.
LOWRI
We did another game of yours, over on the Gaming feed if you want to go and listen to that!
JONNY
[overlapping] Yes, actually. But, uh, I feel – that’s – that’s – is that an end of the episode plug that we should probably do?
ALEX
Yeah, definitely.
JONNY
Yeah.
FRANK
Just do it every five minutes.
JONNY
[sing-song] Cross-promotion! [lowers voice, still sing-song] Gotta look at another feed. [normal] There’s a weird energy in this room, and it’s mainly coming from me.
[LAUGHTER]
ALEX
That’s an accurate statement.
FRANK
Yep.
JONNY
So. Last time you found a body [mispronounces “body” as “bode-y”]. There were all sorts of cool clues, all sorts of interesting leads.
ALEX
Oh, were there? I mean, I don’t know about all the rest of you, but I definitely didn’t notice any clues whatsoever.
JONNY
That’s fine.
FRANK
Well, I’m covered in blood now.
SASHA
That’s only ‘cause you took a nap in the garden.
FRANK
No, it was before that.
JONNY
[overlapping] You didn’t need – you didn’t take a nap in the garden. You didn’t – didn’t take a nap – it’s…
ALEX
[overlapping] You took a nap on the corpse!
JONNY
[exasperated] You don’t sleep, you can’t sleep when you’re on duty –
FRANK
[overlapping] Well that’s where it’s warm!
JONNY
– all you can do is shotgun coffee.
ALEX
S’true.
JONNY
It’s – that’s the rules. Probably, I don’t think we put that in there, but –
SASHA
[overlapping slightly] That is – we didn’t put that in there.
JONNY
Yeah, no one sleeps, they just drink coffee. Uh…
SASHA
That’s not canon.
[ALEX LAUGHS]
That’s like – I need to point that out.
JONNY
Definitely canon. Well, support us on Patreon, read the micro-setting and find out for yourself.
[FRANK, ALEX AND LOWRI “OOH”]
JONNY
So. What’s everyone’s next move?
[RAIN SFX START]
LOWRI
Can I ask – so, all the information that we gathered…
JONNY
You – you pretty much share it. Unless there’s a specific thing that you’re like [scheming voice] “I’m not telling anyone else about this”.
LOWRI
I mean I’m not telling anyone that I pocketed – oh, that is hard to say – [enunciates] pocketed some timetables.
JONNY
No. That’s fine.
FRANK
[overlapping] Or that you put goo everywhere.
JONNY
That’s fine, but I, uh –
LOWRI
[overlapping] I think I got caught doing that, but, yeah.
JONNY
– But I’m assuming that you have shared the clue of the burned timetable.
LOWRI
Yes.
JONNY
From the wastepaper bin?
LOWRI
Yes.
JONNY
Yep. Okay.
ARCHIE
Well, jeez, I mean – I don’t – I don’t think I should necessarily be – what, with the one suggesting things, I mean, you know, there’s a – there’s a match… book… thing for a Long Drop and we could, you know, with the –
JONNY
The Last Drop.
ALEX
I, in –
JONNY
[overlapping] The Long Drop is a different pub.
ALEX
In character, I definitely said The Long Drop.
[LAUGHTER]
JONNY
That’s fair, that’s fair. The Long Drop is a pub that is up over five stories. It has a central, sort of, well that goes down all five of them and no safety rails.
ARCHIE
I’m thinking we should probably check this, ‘cause with – with the cigarettes and the – with the – with the matchbooks and –
EMMA
I like your instincts, kid. Your theory –
ARCHIE
[surprised] Oh, thanks.
EMMA
Your theory with the heart – the exploding heart?
ARCHIE
Yeah!
EMMA
[whispering conspiratorially] That is a method they use.
LOWRI
And she winks. With both eyes.
[LAUGHTER]
ALEX
Out of sequence!
ARCHIE
[weirded out] Okay, cool!
JONNY
So, Walensky and Murdoch are going after the – going to The Last Drop. What about you guys?
FRANK
Oh god.
SASHA
I’m – I – I don’t know that it’s really – there’s much point investigating more at this point. It’s clearly the housekeeper.
ALEX
Make the arrest, kick – kick up for the rest of the episode.
JONNY
I mean, are you making the arrest?
SASHA
No, no, we need more evidence. I mean it’s obviously the housekeeper. She found the body, no one can account for her whereabouts, she’s cooked up some cock and bull story about… some perp with a scar. Well, that’s convenient, every fake perp’s got a scar ‘cause you’re bound to never find a blonde, tall, thin woman covered in blood with a scar over one eye! That’s not gonna happen, it’s – she’s just sending us on a wild goose chase!
FRANK
[overlapping] That’s what my mum looks like, thank you.
SASHA
And I’ve spent enough of that time on a wild goose chase before I came here, chasing geese.
ALEX
Oh, it takes ages.
FRANK
Why are we chasing geese?
SASHA
They were criminals, hardened criminals.
ALEX
[overlapping] They can’t put… [unintelligible]
FRANK
[overlapping] That – that is not the job I sent you on.
[LAUGHTER]
SASHA
Well, sometimes the job finds you.
[MORE LAUGHTER]
JONNY
So. Are you guys heading back to the police station, are you following up a different lead, are you also going to The Last Drop?
SASHA
Well, I have got Angela Grockle’s address. Looks like she was in touch with the deceased quite a lot so maybe that she’s got some evidence against the housekeeper, she might be able to tell us more about their relationship.
FRANK
[overlapping] Yeah, can’t hurt.
SASHA
[overlapping] Could help us with our inquiries.
JONNY
Okay. Yeah, let’s start with Frank and Sasha.
ALEX
[whispering] Hey Lowri, that makes us the B team!
[THEY HIGH-FIVE]
Yeah!
[QUIET LAUGHTER]
[SFX OF CAR DOORS OPENING]
JONNY
You park the police car and drive down. The address for Angela Grockle is out in the suburbs of Duskhollow. The rain continues to beat down but when you get out of the city it becomes less oppressive and more just… drab. Rows and rows of identical houses. Cars that, they just make you feel kind of sad.
ALEX
So less oppressive and more repressive rain?
JONNY
Little bit, little bit, little bit. All the windows, curtains closed, except they twitch sometimes like someone’s just looking out, staring at you as you roll by. Angela Grockles’s house looks no different to any of the others. The only difference is that it is number fifteen. The one before it? Number thirteen. One after it? Number twenty. Where’s seventeen? Or nineteen. Who knows?
LOWRI
Why is twenty on the wrong side of the road?
JONNY
Good questions all.
SASHA
Is that like a gap between the houses or does it just like – it’s like semi-detached –
JONNY
I’m gonna say that there is one house’s space. There probably – there should – like, it looks like there should be a house but that house is gone.
ALEX
You need to find Professor Dumbledore and he’ll be able to tell you where it is –
[LOWRI GASPS]
– and you’ll be able to get in.
FRANK
No, he retired, he doesn’t work for the force anymore.
[ALEX MAKES AN “OH, DARN” NOISE]
LOWRI
He went to The Long Drop.
SASHA
[overlapping] Maybe we can get him back –
[LAUGHTER]
LOWRI
Oh no!
JONNY
Yeah, you vaguely recall one of the other detectives being assigned to some case out here, where like a house had gone and they vanished as well. You know, it was a whole – I mean, it would have been a big thing but, like, detectives vanish a lot. You know? Not as much as rookies, but, you know, a lot. So the house is a very standard suburban home. “Number fifteen” is on a plaque just outside, in the shape of an old steam train.
FRANK
Gonna knock on the door?
JONNY
There’s the sound of shuffling from inside, and the door opens.
ALEX
It’s an elderly steam train.
JONNY
Well, she – she’s not elderly, uh…
FRANK
But is she a steam train?
ALEX
[overlapping] But she is a steam… [trailing off, laughing]
JONNY
Oh yeah, you know, I should have said, no, she’s not a steam train –
FRANK
[overlapping] Oh, okay.
JONNY
[continuing] – she is a person. She’s probably, like, maybe early fifties? Cardigan, corduroy skirt, well-maintained all over.
ANGELA
Yes, can I, uh, can I help you? At all?
CARL
You are… Ms. Grockle?
ANGELA
Mrs. Grockle, yes.
CARL
Angela Grockle.
ANGELA
That’s me, yes. W-what’s this about?
CARL
Detectives…
FRANK
[undertone] What’s my name, again?
ALEX
… Are here, hello.
[LAUGHTER]
SASHA
Husselbeck.
FRANK
Husselbeck! Thank you.
CARL
Detectives Husselbeck and Schreiber.
ANGELA
Oh! Oh goodness! W-what can I do for you, detectives?
CARL
Well, might we… come in to this…
ANGELA
Yes, no, no, please, absolutely. Would you like some tea? Some coffee? A hot chocolate? Tall glass of water. Some juice? Grape? Mango? Orange? With chunks. Don’t have many non-chunk orange juice, I’m afraid, if that’s – that’s what you’re desperately looking for. Anyway, come in, sit down.
[LAUGHTER]
CARL
Thank you.
[DOOR CLOSES; A CLOCK IS TICKING INSIDE]
FRANK
Just gently… try not to leave blood everywhere.
JONNY
[overlapping] Yeah, it’s –
ANGELA
Oh goodness! Uh, you – hold on. I’ll get some more doilies.
JONNY
She gets some more doilies and places them down just where-wherever you’re about to touch. She’ll just place down a doily.
[LAUGHTER]
ALEX
[overlapping] Under each foot as they walk around!
ANGELA
So yes, please, take a seat. What can I do for you?
CARL
You were in contact with a Mr. Geoffrey Mariner?
ANGELA
Geoffrey, yes! Yes, charming boy. Has something happened to him?
CARL
He’s dead.
ANGELA
Oh!
[MUFFLED LAUGHTER]
Oh no! That’s very difficult to hear.
[SASHA LAUGHS]
GABRIELLE
You might want to have sat down for that, miss.
[SOMEONE LAUGHS]
ANGELA
It’s too late for that, I’m afraid.
FRANK
Sorry, I was distracted by all the doilies.
ANGELA
Right! Well. What brings you to my doo– I mean, obviously I was friends with him, we – we communicated pretty regularly, but… I’m not a suspect, am I?
ALEX
[imitating] I am shocked! Shocked and innocent!
ANGELA
I mean in my defense, I am both shocked and innocent.
[LAUGHTER]
GABRIELLE
Just ignore the voices in your head, ma’am.
[MORE LAUGHTER]
JONNY
No, she – she volunteered that.
SASHA
Okay. Yeah.
JONNY
[overlapping] Just, you know, ‘cause it – ‘cause it is in her defense.
CARL
That’s a strange thing to say apropos of absolutely nothing.
ANGELA
Well, I mean there has been a murder, you said.
ALEX
You’re covered in blood!
[LAUGHTER]
[SOMEONE SHUSHES HIM]
JONNY
And you’re covered in blood.
GABRIELLE
Did Mr. Mariner have any enemies that you know of?
ANGELA
Not that I know of. We didn’t really talk much about his personal life.
GABRIELLE
What did you talk about?
ANGELA
Oh, trains. Mostly. I mean, do you know much about… trains? Detective?
GABRIELLE
I have been on several.
[SOUND OF CUCKOO CLOCK IN BACKGROUND]
ANGELA
It’s fascinating, fascinating business, steam trains, especially. It’s all about the power of water, you see. It all used to be canals, did – [stutters] – did you know that? There – there was some – there was a decade when everyone was building canals, connecting the – the industry with canals. But that sort of water, slow, boring… useless. And then the train. The power of steam. You see, detectives. Harnessing the power of steam to revolutionize the world – but people have forgotten. All this… electricity. Sorry, it’s a little bit of a hobby for me, of course this is – this is the sort of thing that we used to talk about by o-our letters m-myself and Geoffrey, I believe he was writing a book on it?
CARL
Mmm, yes, I did see a… a manuscript.
JONNY
Could you both roll me Smokes, actually, ‘cause we’re having a – we’re having a bit of a chat.
[DICE ROLLING]
LOWRI
I don’t think –
SASHA
I’ve got a six!
LOWRI
[continuing] – Frank can?
JONNY
[overlapping] Yes. Oh, no, no, out of Flashlights.
FRANK
[overlapping] I can roll Smokes, I can’t roll Flashlights
LOWRI
[overlapping] Ohh.
JONNY
[slightly overlapping] Yeah, like I’m not – I’m not giving Frank –
ALEX
[overlapping, background] Your bandolier of Flashlights is low.
JONNY
[continuing] – any chance to – to pick up on any visual clues of this place.
FRANK
[background] What’s that say?
JONNY
That’s a seven.
FRANK
[overlapping] That’s a seven, okay.
JONNY
Yeah, you’re good, you’re good.
ALEX
Boo!
LOWRI
Says the –
SASHA
How ‘bout a little team spirit, Alex?
ALEX
No.
[LAUGHTER]
Failure is the best outcome.
JONNY
So –
ANGELA
Yes, anyway, I’m dreadfully sorry going off on one of my little rants, obviously it’s not particularly relevant to your – your case. It’s not relevant to your case, is it detectives?
GABRIELLE
Well, that’s remains to be seen.
ANGELA
Oh, I see.
FRANK
Quickly out of character, because I forgot to make some notes, wasn’t there a particular kind of train that he was really…
JONNY
Yes, the British Rail standards.
FRANK
Okay.
JONNY
BR standards. And the letter that you found from Angela, the most recent one that Lowri found seemed to – it seemed like it would have accompanied a package of some sort. It refers to “here is”.
ALEX
Perhaps an enormous thirty-two to sixty-four tonne package? Perhaps [louder, more dramatic] a train package?
JONNY
I – I mean, probably not. The postal service is impressive, Alex, but, uh…
ALEX
No, this – this case is coming together, it’s very clear, what happened is he had –
FRANK
It’s the perfect crime, use a train to smuggle another train.
[LOWRI LAUGHS]
ALEX
It’s simple: someone posted him a whole train and he had a heart attack from how happy he was at being posted a train! This case is solving itself.
FRANK
Yeah, open and shut.
SASHA
Much like his chest!
[LAUGHTER]
Hey-oh!
FRANK
It’s not very shut anymore.
GABRIELLE
Did you know his housekeeper? She apparently handled a lot of his post.
ANGELA
Not personally, I think he made reference to her sometimes? Nelson or Nellie or… Napoleon? I
don’t really know, I don’t remember. Neil, maybe?
GABRIELLE
And do you remember what he said about her, was it positive, negative? Neutral?
ANGELA
He went into quite some detail about how she wasn’t planning to kill him at any point, uh…
[LAUGHTER]
– in the near or distant future. How much he – he trusted her with his life.
GABRIELLE
Very convenient.
CARL
That a joke, Mrs. Grockle?
ANGELA
Yes, of course, of course.
[LAUGHTER]
CARL
[overlapping] Well, it’s not really appropriate –
GABRIELLE
[overlapping] It’s hardly in good taste, I’d say.
ANGELA
Well, he had a very dark sense of humor, I’m sure he would appreciate it.
ALEX
“Was that a joke?” “Yes, of course, he wouldn’t stop saying how she’s definitely going to kill him!”
[LAUGHTER]
Would go on and on…
GABRIELLE
The deceased received a package from yourself, I believe?
ANGELA
Oh yes, the – the – the cap and the timetable, I don’t really know much about them? They were… I mean, very little to do with me to be honest. I – I – I simply noticed them in a curiosity shop and posted them his way, thought they might be good for his research.
[MODEL TRAIN HORN BLOWING IN BACKGROUND]
GABRIELLE
Hmm, is that so. That’s not what it sounded like from the note that you sent.
ANGELA
Oh, I mean, I – he – he was, I mean, he was very interested in that sort of paraphernalia so I – I simply –
I simply noticed it in a shop, purchased it in that shop, and…
GABRIELLE
[overlapping] The note that you sent referenced something that we have been looking for?
ANGELA
[overlapping] Y-yes.
GABRIELLE
Sounds like it was something you were both very interested in.
ANGELA
We – we, I mean, we both liked – both liked trains, you saw my house number. It’s a steam train. With a
fifteen on it.
GABRIELLE
Yes, I noticed that, I’m a detective.
ANGELA
Yes, well, you know, we’re both very interested in trains but I – I – we’ve been looking for timetables and – and paraphernalia that – that – regarding some of the old – the old British Rail standard trains for some times. I – I noticed it in a –
GABRIELLE
Would that be steam trains or electric trains?
ANGELA
Oh, steam trains, steam trains, of course!
CARL
Can you account for your whereabouts over the last couple of days, Mrs. Grockle?
ANGELA
Yes, absolutely.
JONNY
She wanders over, finds what looks to be a diary and starts listing off quite a lot of very public places that she was –
ANGELA
Well, I was in the – the supermarket for about four hours, uh…
ALEX
Not doing a murder.
[QUIET LAUGHTER]
ANGELA
– yesterday. Then I was – I decided to take in a show. You can see my tickets here. You know, I was – I was taking a walk in the park at peak dog walking hours. I think – I think, actually – yes, here’s a… a Polaroid that a – that a dog walker took of me –
ALEX
For all of you police procedural fans, this is what’s called an orgy of evidence.
[LAUGHTER]
JONNY
Orgy of alibis.
SASHA
And is the, uh, is the ticket that she tells us, is that stamped or like ripped? Yeah…
JONNY
[overlapping slightly] Yeah, it all – yeah, yeah, it all – like as far as you can tell these alibis are all solid.
LOWRI
What did she see?
JONNY
Sorry?
LOWRI
What show did she see?
JONNY
Casablanca.
LOWRI
[interesting] Oh… the stage show.
JONNY
No, it was a film.
LOWRI
Ah.
JONNY
But it was in the theater. They show movies sometimes.
LOWRI
Just interesting.
CARL
Excuse me, Walensky, can you stop astral projecting into our investigation?
LOWRI
Sorry, apologies.
Angela
Yes, detective, you – your voice changed ever so slightly there, but it’s – it’s fine.
CARL
I’m sorry, I – obviously, the cigarettes clear up my throat.
ALEX
You really do need to install a fourth wall in this building at some point.
[LAUGHTER]
ANGELA
But yes, I can probably find you the – the receipt for the – the items if you – if you need it.
GABRIELLE
That would be helpful, thank you. And I suppose you don’t mind if we have a look around?
ANGELA
No, no, no, please.
CARL
How ‘bout your husband?
ANGELA
Hmm? Oh, he’s away.
GABRIELLE
Away where?
ANGELA
Business. Has been for several years now. [chuckles] Just one of my little jokes. He’s dead.
CARL
Oh.
ANGELA
Business of decomposing. Just one of my little jokes.
ALEX
I really want to set her up with the doctor, they would be really happy together.
[LOWRI GASPS]
LOWRI
Oh my gosh, you go.1
JONNY
She will come back with a receipt from Whateley’s Books And Curios. For one train conductor’s hat and one timetable, brackets old. Yeah, you can have a look around her house, make me a Flashlights roll?
SASHA
Okay, here goes…
[DICE ROLLING]
Six!
JONNY
It’s a very… it’s exactly the house that you would expect this woman to have. Almost suspiciously so?
SASHA
[overlapping] [suspicious] Hmm. Hmmm.
JONNY
It’s almost just as suspiciously, exactly what this house you would expect this woman to have, but you can have a – you can, like, pull out all the books, see if there’s a secret passage, or like, just kick up a rug looking for a trapdoor, and you can’t see anything.
SASHA
Okay.
FRANK
Does she have, like, a shed or anything in the garden?
JONNY
Yes, she does.
[SFX: RAIN, BIRDS CHIRPING]
FRANK
Okay, I have a look around the shed.
JONNY
Oh, it’s locked.
CARL
Mrs…. Surname?
ANGELA
Uh, Grockle. Mrs. Grockle.
CARL
[overlapping] Grockle. Sorry, it’s been a long day.
ANGELA
Uh, yes?
CARL
Can we have a look in the shed?
ANGELA
Of course, of course.
JONNY
She comes over, she unlocks the shed, she opens it up and it’s full of gardening tools.
ALEX
Suspiciously full, you could say.
JONNY
Sus– I mean, you could say – I mean, they’re very neatly organized, not a spot of rust on any of them.
FRANK
How nice is her garden?
JONNY
As nice as you’d expect.
ALEX
[overlapping] Suspiciously as nice as you’d expect.
FRANK
[overlapping] [unintelligible]… for an average garden.
ANGELA
Yes well, you know, my… [Jonny is clearly making this up on the spot] Marvin –
[FRANK SNORTS]
[ALEX LAUGHS]
– loved his garden. And I’ve kept his tools pristine in memory of him.
CARL
Isn’t that nice.
ANGELA
I’m glad to hear you say, that most of the – most of the others at the WI think it’s a little bit morbid.
CARL
[unconvincingly] No.
[LAUGHTER]
ALEX
I love that you’re investigation technique is that you’re both just stonewalling simultaneously, so it’s just this poor woman like “hello!” and just by staring is like “I don’t – I feel like I’m being pressured but I haven’t been asked a question!” so…
FRANK
[overlapping] I feel like…
SASHA
[overlapping] I’ve asked several questions –
LOWRI
[overlapping] Very pertinent ones?
SASHA
[continuing] – about what kind of train she’s into? And, uh, why she bought a hat!
[LAUGHTER]
FRANK
I feel like, in terms of accomplishing anything, we’ve split the teams on the wrong axis.
[MORE LAUGHTER]
SASHA
Yeah, definitely.
LOWRI
Oh, I don’t know!
JONNY
Frank, you get a ping on your pager, the station needs you to call in. You don’t have – no one has mobile phones in Duskhollow. Police have pagers and they need to go to one of the rotary phone boxes that… line most streets. Call the station.
FRANK
Yeah, I will say my goodbye, apologize for leaving so hastily and leaving so much blood around.
ANGELA
No, that’s fine, that’s fine. I’ll just, uh… clean it.
CARL
Bit of peroxide, great for getting blood out of fabrics.
ANGELA
[overlapping] I know.
GABRIELLE
Sarge, should we be handing out that information?
CARL
Well, she said she knows.
[LOWRI LAUGHS]
It figures she knows how to get blood out.
[LAUGHTER]
FRANK
Yep.
ANGELA
Are there any final questions?
GABRIELLE
Not yet, but don’t leave town.
ANGELA
Oh, no. I wouldn’t dream of it, detective.
[SFX: RAIN, DISTANT MUSIC AND THE SOUND OF A CROWD]
JONNY
So, meanwhile at The Last Drop. The Last Drop is a dingy establishment, still lit partially by gaslight. It’s down some stairs from the street. So it’s like one of them basement bars, you know, the cool basement bars but also dangerous.
FRANK
Is The Long Drop directly above The Last Drop?
JONNY
It’s – it’s the… it’s the building opposite? And just sort of towers over…
SASHA
Bit of a turf war.
JONNY
I mean, you joke but… yes, there have been quite a few murders about it.
FRANK
[dramatic] Only one Drop on this street.
JONNY
So, yeah, it’s – it’s quite late now and the place seems pretty – pretty hoppin’.
ALEX
Now, are we – to be clear, are we talking like speakeasy style where you got your door with your slider and you’ve got to get in or we’re talking more, like, a bit more open-fronted?
JONNY
A bit more open-fronted. The door is clearly closed, like, it’s clearly a bar which doesn’t want you coming in?
ALEX
Okay.
JONNY
But it’s not actively trying to stop you.
EMMA
Kid.
ARCHIE
Hmm?
EMMA
Before we go in –
ARCHIE
[overlapping] Mm-hmm, yeah –
EMMA
– hold your hand out.
ARCHIE
Which one?
EMMA
Either.
ALEX
Okay, I hold up both.
EMMA
Okay.
LOWRI
I just sprinkle some salt into one of your hands.
ALEX
I lick it.
[QUIET LAUGHTER]
JONNY
Shouldn’t do that, it’s bad for your blood pressure.
EMMA
You know…
JONNY
[continuing] In fact, take a point of damage.
[LAUGHTER]
ALEX
Down to seven.
JONNY
Should have really made you make a constitution check but I – you’re probably predisposed to it.
LOWRI
[overlapping] Nah.
ALEX
No, because then I’d fail the constitution check and take two damage, I’ve played this game before.
JONNY
[overlapping] Yeah that’s fair, that’s fair, that’s fair.
EMMA
Good, good, good to know, you passed the test.
ARCHIE
[weirded out] Okay, yes…
ALEX
I then go in the – inside?
[LAUGHTER]
JONNY
As you open the door, a figure sort of bumps into you, as walking – as they’re walking past.
ALEX
Are they tall, thin, female –
JONNY
[overlapping] No, they’re short –
ALEX
[overlapping] – blonde and with a scar?
JONNY
No, they’re short, broad, and wearing an anorak.
ALEX
[still suspicious] Aaalright, then.
JONNY
They sort of –
MYSTERY PERSON
Sorry.
JONNY
– wander off.
ARCHIE
Okay, so… I mean, we ask the – at the front with the, um, bar person and then from there, we’ll do the – thing, yeah?
EMMA
I trust you, kid, I trust you, you’ve got good instincts.
ARCHIE
Oh jeez, that’s a lot of pressure really early, um, okay.
EMMA
Look, you just –
[THEY ENTER THE BAR]
JONNY
So the place goes a little bit quiet as you start to walk in ‘cause you’re – you know, you, at least, are in police uniform, Alex, and there are enough people here – in here who are definitely some criminals. But they’re like – [growls under breath] – like giving you – giving you evils.
ARCHIE
[undertone] Oh, it’s okay, I’ve seen how to deal with this on TV.
EMMA
Kid, low profile, low profile.
ALEX
Oh yeah, you said that – like, metagame, you said that at exactly the right time.
ARCHIE
Oh, right, yeah. [louder, unconvincing] No cops here!
LOWRI
I just grab – she – she grabs you and just forcibly walks you to the bar.
JONNY
Behind the bar is the owner of The Last Drop, she is – like, if you’re looking for someone with a scar, you’ve found someone with basically more scar than face?
ALEX
[whispering] Case closed.
JONNY
Well, let me just – every – like, she’s wearing one of them short sleeve – I was gonna say one of them short sleeve bar shirts, but is that a thing? I don’t think that’s a thing.
ALEX
I know what you mean!
SASHA
Yeah, I know what you mean as well.
JONNY
Okay, cool. She’s wearing on them short sleeve bar – bar shirts we all have a reference for, and all the, like, just every bit of skin has got scars or brui– like, she runs a very rough pub, and cleans glasses with her, like – the glass is dirty? She washed it in some dirty water, she’s cleaning it with a dirty rag.
BARTENDER
Well? What do you want, cops?
EMMA
Two whiskeys and, uh, some information.
ARCHIE
And I’ll have a lemonade!
[LAUGHTER]
BARTENDER
One whiskey.
JONNY
Pours it out.
BARTENDER
Two whiskeys.
JONNY
Pours it out.
BARTENDER
Lemonade.
JONNY
Pours you a shot of lemonade.
BARTENDER
Information I won’t give you as I don’t talk to cops.
ARCHIE
[whispering] I’ve got a plan!
ALEX
Is there someone at the bar next to me?
JONNY
Yes.
FRANK
[high-pitched] It’s a child!
[LAUGHTER]
[normal] No, I’m sorry.
JONNY
It is a child.
ALEX
[incredulous] Okay.
JONNY
They’re – they’re about eight, they’re just staring into their whiskey glass, like they’ve got – they’ve got problems.
ARCHIE
Um, oh jeez, uh, you – you’re not a cop, are you?
CHILD
No, mister.
ARCHIE
Cool, if I ask you some questions, could you then ask this bartender some questions?
CHILD
I don’t talk to cops.
[LAUGHTER]
ARCHIE
Damn. Oh jeez, I really thought I had it there.
EMMA
Nice try, kid. Thinking outside the box, I like it.
CHILD
I know what happens to snitches.
[LAUGHTER]
ARCHIE
Really? What – what does happen to snitches?
CHILD
Well… at lunchtime, on the playground… you get shivved.
[MORE LAUGHTER]
ARCHIE
Aw jeez. Aw jeez. This really isn’t Morgan’s Hill anymore, is it?
CHILD
It’s a rough town, mister.
ARCHIE
Oh wow! Oh jeez, oh man, oh jeez.
LOWRI
Does – does the bar person have a nametag?
JONNY
Yeah. It is an expletive.
LOWRI
Beep!
[LAUGHTER]
JONNY
Okay, I can’t maintain it – the, uh – Mara. Mara Brack.
EMMA
Mara, this, uh… we might be cops but this goes – this goes all the way to the top. Like you and me, we’re in this together, okay –
LOWRI
Why – I’ve gone American now! I’m not American.
MARA
I don’t know who you are.
EMMA
That’s okay, you don’t need to know who I am.
MARA
I do, though.
EMMA
Do you know Geoffrey Mariner?
MARA
No?
LOWRI
Is there an equivalent of a Sense Motivation?
JONNY
Well – no, ro– make me a Smokes roll.
LOWRI
Mm ‘kay.
JONNY
Make me a Smokes roll.
LOWRI
Mmm, so I’ve got ten… I’m very charming, remember? That says so on my character sheet.
JONNY
Well –
LOWRI
Hashtag “just saying”.
JONNY
Well, what are your – so, what are your expertises?
LOWRI
Flattery is one of them, which I feel is quite relevant here.
JONNY
Okay, yeah, you – you want to try with flattery, make me a Smokes roll, see how it goes.
ALEX
Listen here, you sexy bar… lady… person… sexy!
JONNY
Yeah, you clearly do not have flattery as an expertise.
ALEX
[overlapping] I do not have that, but I could talk to her about [???] 2 ‘til the – cows come home.
[LOWRI LAUGHS]
[DICE ROLLING]
LOWRI
Nine.
[ALEX MAKES A DISAPPOINTED SOUND]
JONNY
Oh, okay, yeah. How’re you gonna flatter Mara Brack, scarred owner of The Last Drop?
EMMA
You and me, we’re cut from the same cloth, I see the toughness in your eyes. You don’t survive in a town like this for as long as you and I have without something inside you. Some strength inside you.
MARA
And a lot of bullets.
[SASHA LAUGHS]
EMMA
I can see –
MARA
Scar tissue’s too thick, can’t cut ‘em out, they’re just in there.
LOWRI
I toast you with a whiskey and down it.
EMMA
To you, Mara. To you.
MARA
I like you, though obviously, you know, if you do threaten my establishment, I’ll probably have to kill you and leave you in the back alley, but it’s fine, it’s fine.
EMMA
[overlapping] I respect that for that, I respect you for that.
MARA
I haven’t killed any cops that you can prove, but, you know… you know.
EMMA
Were they cops through-and-through, though? Were they human? We don’t know. Let’s ask no questions.
[BACKGROUND LAUGHTER]
MARA
I feel like I’ve lost control of this conversation a little bit. So what – what are you here for?
EMMA
Geoffrey Mariner, the name, does it mean anything to you?
MARA
Nothing.
EMMA
Right, okay, I believe you this time.
MARA
Okay.
ARCHIE
Well, I mean, so I have an – [unconvincing] an ex-wife, okay? Who, I have to find, to give her the… divorce settlement! So, I’m looking for a woman who is tall, thin, blonde with a scar on one eye so that I can give her lots of money and then she will give some money to the people that help me find her.
JONNY
Make me a Smokes roll.
ALEX
[triumphant] Yeaahh! I can’t remember how to do that. I am on… oh, I’ve got a d8! I won’t even die from this one.
[DICE ROLLING]
Oh, it’s a six! Every single – I saw every single one of you waiting for that one, I saw you all looking.
[LAUGHTER]
FRANK
[overlapping] I don’t know what you’re talking about.
[UNINTELLIGIBLE CROSSTALK]
MARA
[overlapping] Hang on. You’re Marie’s ex.
ARCHIE
Yeaahh… yeaahh, I mean, look, there’s – I’m not gonna be a current am I? [laughs nervously]
FRANK
[overlapping] Oh, I see why she left you, mister.
MARA
She said you had a beard.
ARCHIE
Oh, I shaved it off to prove my love.
MARA
She said you were like six foot eight.
ARCHIE
I wore platform shoes to prove my love.
[LAUGHTER]
MARA
She said you weren’t a cop.
ARCHIE
I became a cop after… because of my grief… because I wasn’t a cop at first to prove my love.
MARA
I mean these are all very good reasons for her to divorce you, to be honest.
ARCHIE
I mean, I –
MARA
She’s ‘round the back there, you can have a – you can go have a chat yourself.
ARCHIE
Absolutely, there’s a reason why, you know, um… we’re paying the settlement.
MARA
Sure, sure, well just so you know, she was with a fella earlier –
ARCHIE
[unconvincing] Aw jeez. Oh no.
MARA
– so maybe, uh…
ARCHIE
Could you give me an accurate description of the fella? Like height, weight…
MARA
[overlapping] Don’t know, he had a big coat on, kept his hood up.
ARCHIE
An anorak?
MARA
Yeah.
ARCHIE
Ohh.
MARA
One of them cagoules.
ARCHIE
Cagoule, okay. Well, th-thanks!
JONNY
Which for our American listeners, I don’t know what words actually translate over the pond but it’s – it’s – it’s another word for an anorak.
ALEX
A perv jacket.
JONNY
Yeah, one of them.
[LAUGHTER]
LOWRI
Emma downs her second whiskey and the lemonade and –
JONNY
Could you make me a constitution roll, please?
LOWRI
Uh oh, I’ve got a seven.
FRANK
The whiskey was fine but it’s the lemonade, oof.
[DICE ROLLING]
LOWRI
[pained] Oh, eight.
JONNY
Yeah, I mean, Frank’s right – the whiskey? No problem, but the lemonade… it’s old. It’s probably been about a decade since someone’s had a lemonade here, and you are feeling remarkably unwell. I’m probably gonna ask you to roll a d4 and lose that many hit points.
ALEX
[whispering] Do what I do! Roll max!
[DICE ROLLING]
Or one, that’s fine too.
JONNY
You lose a hit point.
ALEX
Lame.
LOWRI
I’m now on eleven.
ALEX
Lame.
EMMA
Come on kid, let’s go see your, uh, your ex.
JONNY
See that there tall, thin, blonde woman in, like, a very, very sharp suit sitting in the back, sipping a tall drink. Close-cropped blonde hair, scar over one eye.
ALEX
It was Marie, right? Metagame, it was Marie, right?
LOWRI
Mm-hmm, yeah.
ARCHIE
[hesitant] Uh, uh, ooh, M-Marie?
MARIE
Who’s asking?
ARCHIE
Walensky and Murdoch, FBI.
MARIE
No, you ain’t.
EMMA
No, you’re –
ARCHIE
[sheepish] That always – that always works on TV shows.
MARIE
That badge says Duskhollow PD, I know – I know a beat cop when I see one.
ARCHIE
I thought you just say “FBI”.
EMMA
Okay, kid, I – I’ve got this. Marie –
MARIE
Sure.
EMMA
That’s a nice suit.
LOWRI
I flatter.
MARIE
Thank you. [derisive] Cop!
EMMA
Yeah, sure.
LOWRI
I’m gonna sprinkle some salt on her. Does she dissolve?
JONNY
She does not.
[MUFFLED LAUGHTER]
She stares at you.
FRANK
Now try the goo!
MARIE
[getting aggressive] What’s this about, officers?
LOWRI
[overlapping] Frank, the goo doesn’t show anything!
EMMA
Does the name Geoffrey Mariner mean anything to you?
MARIE
No.
ARCHIE
Well, that’s that case closed! Sorry for disturbing you, I’ll –
JONNY
Make me a Flashlights roll.
LOWRI
Okay.
ALEX
Both of us?
JONNY
Mmm, no. Not you.
ALEX
Okay, good. Good.
[DICE ROLLING]
LOWRI
One.
ALEX
Yeessss!
LOWRI
Okay, so down to a d4.
JONNY
You notice that her – the cuffs of her white shirt, under her very sharp suit, have some pretty clear dried blood on them.
LOWRI
Mmm.
JONNY
You notice that. She notices you noticing. She leaps up and makes a run for it.
ALEX
[overlapping] I try and tackle her!
FRANK
[overlapping] Oh no!
JONNY
‘Kay, make me a… let’s have – let’s have a strength check.
ALEX
[overlapping] Just like cricket back at school.
[LOWRI LAUGHS]
‘Kay, so I need to roll lower than my strength for this one, don’t I?
JONNY
Yes, you do.
ALEX
Come on lucky zero! On a d20. Alright. And it is on a d20, yeah?
JONNY
Yes.
[ALEX LAUGHS WEIRDLY]
[DICE ROLLING]
ALEX
[loud] Whoa!
SASHA
Heeyyy!
ALEX
Whoa, my strength is a nine and I got a four!
JONNY
Yeah, no you – you’re like, you take her down, like she’s tall but she’s, like – like a bundle of twigs, she just goes down.
MARIE
Hey, get off me! Get off me!
EMMA
Nice work, kid!
ARCHIE
Now I want a cigarette! Gimme a cigarette. I want a cigarette, give me a cigarette.
MARIE
S-sure, o-okay, okay, okay!
[LAUGHTER]
ARCHIE
[weirdly aggressive] A cigarette, give me a cigarette!
JONNY
She’ll reach into her –
ARCHIE
Give me a cig!
JONNY
– into her jacket and hand you a Marlboro Red.
ARCHIE
Haaah! [faintly disturbing sounds of triumph] I’m arresting you for possession of Marlboro Red!
JONNY
Are you? Are you saying those words?
ALEX
I think I’m gonna have to, yeah, ‘cause I’m the rookie and that’s how I roll.
JONNY
Okay, uh…
EMMA
Yes, kid, feel it, outside the box!
JONNY
The bar goes quiet. And the door opens. And in walks, a judge. Flanked by some officials from the town.
ARCHIE
Oh, this is so convenient!
[LAUGHTER]
JONNY
The judge walks over. He’s tall, he’s wearing his robes.
JUDGE
[clears throat] Officer… Murdoch.
ARCHIE
Y-yeah?
JUDGE
You’ve arrested this woman?
ARCHIE
I – I am trying to, but there’s so much going on!
JUDGE
What are the charges?
ARCHIE
Having bloody cuffs! Having a scar! Possession of Marlboro Reds!
JUDGE
None of these are crimes, Officer.
ARCHIE
No but they are ‘cause – ‘cause they’re tied to the – to the [stutters] murder so that their crimes to that. [hisses to Emma] Help! Me! [normal, Alex laughing] Why – Walensky – why are you not helping me?
[LAUGHTER]
FRANK
[overlapping] Emma just looks away in contempt.
[A LOT OF UNINTELLIGIBLE CROSSTALK]
EMMA
[overlapping] You’re the only person I trust.
JUDGE
None of this is sufficient evidence to convict of a crime. I hereby throw out this case, the case of Marie for possession of Marlboro Reds. A note will be passed to your captain to follow up on this.
ARCHIE
Oh. What about loitering, can we get her on loitering?
EMMA
[overlapping] Okay, kid.
JONNY
The judge has already turned to and started to walk away, the officials from the Town Hall follow behind him, the door closes and just, you know, life resumes in The Last Drop.
ARCHIE
What a nice man.
JONNY
You would – none of that is weird to you, just so you know, that is how justice works in Duskhollow. When you make an arrest, the judge turns up, determines whether or not you’ve correctly arrested the person –
ALEX
Naturally.
JONNY
– if they’re guilty, they’re taken away.
ALEX
I need you to know –
JONNY
[overlapping] If not, the chief shouts at you.
ALEX
I need you to know, at some point we need to have this as a TV series and cast Martin Freeman as the straight man who just acknowledges how weird this is and no one else ever does.
LOWRI
So can we arrest her again? Is it kind of the same rules of “if you bring someone to court once” –
JONNY
It’s a real bad idea to antagonize the judge.
LOWRI
Mmm.
JONNY
It is –
FRANK
What if you arrest the judge?
JONNY
I mean, you’ve heard that somebody tried once but, you know, they don’t work for Duskhollow PD anymore. And people tell – like, if people are suspended or they lose their – their position in the police department, they – like, they tend to end up as the subject of the next crime.
FRANK
Hmm. That’s not weird or suspicious at all.
MARIE
I didn’t kill him, okay?
EMMA
And how did you know he was dead?
MARIE
I mean, he wasn’t when I got there.
ARCHIE
So he wasn’t there – he wasn’t dead when you got there but he was dead when you left.
MARIE
I was – I was told: go there. I was told he’d be dead already. I was told to cut the whistle out, I was told to take the cap, and I was told to return it. But when I got there, he was still reading his stuff, he was doing his whole dance, I don’t know what the hell. So I stood there, I had a smoke, I waited – he didn’t see me, I was outside the window – and then he keeled over dead. So when he was dead, like I was told he was gonna be, I went in – look, this whole job has been a hell of a lot more of a headache then it was meant to be.
EMMA
Who gave you the job?
JONNY
She’s starting to convulse ever so slightly.
EMMA
Oh no. Quickly, Marie! Quickly! Who gave you the job?
JONNY
[overlapping] Slight – slight foaming of the mouth!
ARCHIE
[overlapping] Stop – stop convulsing, it’ll make it easier to speak.
EMMA
Oh my god.
ARCHIE
Foaming isn’t going to help you, you know.
JONNY
Her limbs flail, knocking the whole drink –
EMMA
Don’t touch her, kid, don’t touch her!
JONNY
– onto the table, and it sort of flows around, dripping down, as she [makes dying sound]. Dead.
FRANK
That’s unfortunate.
ALEX
Just to the wider bar, in general –
ARCHIE
Does anyone know what happens now?
[LAUGHTER]
JONNY
Uh, Mara will –
ARCHIE
[overlapping] Normally they’re dead when I turn up.
JONNY
Mara will lean over –
MARA
I mean, usually the ambulance comes, I don’t know, ‘bout half an hour? We usually just walk around until then.
ARCHIE
I mean, okay. Can I touch – no, that sounds terrible. Can I search the body?
EMMA
Just be careful, don’t touch the froth, okay? That’s how you get contaminated, okay?
ARCHIE
Okay?
JONNY
It looks like she’s been poisoned.
ALEX
Hmm.
SASHA
Oh no, the stew!
ALEX
I proceed to search the now-corpse – fresh corpse, without touching the skin, maybe using napkins and taking far longer than it really needs to.
JONNY
Sure. There is a note with a time. The time was about 10 minutes ago and the place was The Last Drop. There is a matchbook for The Last Drop, pack of Marlboro Red cigarettes, and that’s about it.
ALEX
Okay.
JONNY
She did have a bag, but the bag is now empty.
ALEX
Right.
EMMA
That’s not very human behavior, is it kid? Carrying an empty bag around. [blows out breath] You know.
ARCHIE
[weirded out again] Yeesss. Yeesss.
LOWRI
Can we take the body to the doctor?
ALEX
[overlapping] I miss Schreiber.
JONNY
Yeah, yeah, yeah, like, once the ambulance – like, you can – you can call it in and Doc Smiley3 will be there. Pretty sure they… [trails off]. So, yeah. Frank, are you heading to – are you calling in?
[SFX: RAIN, BIRDS CHIRPING]
FRANK
Yes.
JONNY
The findings of the autopsy are ready.
FRANK
Guess I’ll come back to the coroner’s office and…
JONNY
Okay, Sasha, are you going with Husselbeck are you following a different lead?
SASHA
I’m following a different lead, so I’m actually gonna go and see Geoffrey Mariner’s lawyer. Because, you know, in nine cases out of ten, a murder’s done by the spouse. In those other cases where it’s not the spouse, nine times out of ten it’s the person who found the body. And in the other cases, nine times out of ten, it’s – it’s to do with the will. So I’m – and those are – those are –
FRANK
[overlapping] Sixty percent of the time I’m right every time.
SASHA
Those are the three kinds of murder. It’s the spouse, it’s the person who found the body, it’s the person who benefits in the will. Three kinds of murder, so I’m gonna go see who was named in the will because if it’s the housekeeper, I mean, case closed.
ALEX
So, all other crime is nought point one percent of the time?
SASHA
Yeah.
ALEX
Okay, cool.
JONNY
Geoffrey Mariner does not have a will.
FRANK
Or all other murders.
[SASHA GASPS]
SASHA
[shocked] He does not have a lawyer?
JONNY
No, he was quite young, he doesn’t have a will yet.
SASHA
He doesn’t have a will, okay, well, who is his next of kin?
JONNY
Parents.
SASHA
His parents, hmm. Hmm! And they’re conveniently out of the country, right, that’s it, I’m tracking them down.
[LAUGHTER]
In fact, housekeeper will know. Back to – back to Nellie.
JONNY
Sure.
HOUSEKEEPER
Yeah, w-what can I do for you?
GABRIELLE
Alright, so you mentioned that, Mr. Mariner’s parents are out of the town – out of town? As it were.
HOUSEKEEPER
Yes, I think they’re in Milan, at the moment.
GABRIELLE
Okay, I see, and how long have they been there?
HOUSEKEEPER
I don’t know. A few weeks, maybe?
GABRIELLE
Do they also live here, at this address?
HOUSEKEEPER
Not often.
GABRIELLE
What do you mean “not often”?
HOUSEKEEPER
I mean, they’re not often in town.
GABRIELLE
[overlapping] [aggressive] It’s a yes or a no question, do they live here or not?
HOUSEKEEPER
Sometimes.
[A FEW PEOPLE SNORT]
They’re rich. Rich people live all over the place.
GABRIELLE
So this is one of their legal abodes.
HOUSEKEEPER
Yes.
GABRIELLE
Okay. And did Geoffrey Mariner have any money of his own?
HOUSEKEEPER
Uh, not really, just the allowance he was given. Which was a lot, like, he was – he was – I mean, he was also rich, but…
GABRIELLE
Okay.
JONNY
Back at the police station –
FRANK
Yes.
JONNY
Doctor – Doctor Smilton is there. Over the corpse, looking very pleased with himself.
ALEX
Which corpse? We have two now.
JONNY
Uh, you guys – yeah, you guys can come in. He’ll take one look at the body that you guys have brought in –
DOCTOR SMILTON
Oh. Poisoning. [sniffing] Something in our drink, I think. Hmm, yes, probably a murder. Anyway, this body, though, is fascinating.
CARL
Is it?
DOCTOR SMILTON
Yes, so obviously the cut marks on the chest: [derisive] amateur stuff. Dreadfully done. I mean I’m not even sure how sharp the knife was, but! Strange thing is, the heart? Completely gone. But completely gone so neatly. As if it just stopped being there at all.
ARCHIE
Were there any, like, whistle-shaped holes in the middle of the chest?
DOCTOR SMILTON
What a fascinating question. Yes. What there was, where the heart should be, in the muscle around it, there was a burn mark in the shape of – well, it was a cylindrical shape. I hadn’t really thought what it might be, but now you say a whistle – yes, it was just in the shape of an old whistle. And you can see here –
JONNY
He just wrenches up a bit of skin and points –
DOCTOR SMILTON
You see these little markings here? Numbers. I think numbers etched into – what-whatever was within where the heart should be, burned into the flesh. [manic] Isn’t this fascinating?
ARCHIE
Can – can we take a rubbing?
DOCTOR SMILTON
Oh, I already did! Here you go.
CARL
[incredulous] Of the flesh?
ARCHIE
Yes, rub the corpse!
JONNY
He hands you a very, like, gooey piece of paper.
ARCHIE
Ah jeez!
JONNY
The numbers –
FRANK
Just a gooey kind of day.
JONNY
The numbers 9F-92251.
ALEX
With my expertise in engineering and, on the off-chance, library use – although that’s not a Dewey decimal, I don’t believe – does this ring any bells?
FRANK
[overlapping] Well, there’s no decimals.
JONNY
Well, I mean –
SASHA
[overlapping] Or Deweys.
JONNY
[continuing] – might be a train designation?
ALEX
Cool.
JONNY
Given the – given what else you’ve seen.
CHIEF
[loud, gruff] Husselbeck, get in here!
JONNY
You can hear the chief shouting –
CARL
What have you done?
JONNY
[continuing] – all the way down…
ARCHIE
[overlapping] What, me? No that’s not my surname, I checked. That’s your surname.
CARL
If this is something you’ve done, rookie…
ARCHIE
It can’t have been something I’ve done. I’m still wearing most of the mistakes I’ve made today.
[LAUGHTER]
I could just hand them back if someone asks.
JONNY
The chief is sitting in his office, chewing a cigar. If a mountain could be really pissed off with how you’re handling this case, that is the chief. His moustache is bristling, which is always, always a bad sign.
CHIEF
Husselbeck, what the hell are you doing with this case?
CARL
Pardon?
CHIEF
[aggressive] I got City Hall breathing down my neck, wasting the judge’s time on some trumped-up charge about cigarettes. Not only that, that corpse? Full of salt!
[LAUGHTER]
Why was it full of salt, Husselbeck? And I’m being told one of your detectives is trying to hassle the Mariners? Rich people, rich people who are very important in this town and are doing their own thing and one of your detectives is bothering them, when they’re doing whatever important rich people things that they are doing. Does this sound like your case should have been handled like this, and why you covered in blood? Have you shot a perp?
CARL
I was investigating a murder.
CHIEF
Alright, I’ll give you that one. [pauses] I’m not happy with you, Husselbeck. Now explain what’s going on with this case, this is a big case and I’ve got City Hall breathing down my neck!
LOWRI
Can we hear this?
JONNY
Yes.
ARCHIE
Walensky, I think you’re in so much trouble.
EMMA
[overlapping] Me?
JONNY
Like – like when the chief is – when the chief is expressing his opinion about the handling of a case, all the crockery and the mugs just in this – it’s just, they just vibrate ever so slightly.
CHIEF
What do you have to say for yourself, Husselbeck?
CARL
Geoffrey Mariner.
CHIEF
Mm-hmm.
CARL
As you know, sir, he was found dead, earlier today.
CHIEF
Yeah, I’m familiar with the case.
CARL
Yeah.
JONNY
He throws down the case file.
CARL
Well, I’m just reminding you of the importance of the victim, because there’s just a lot of leads. To track down.
CHIEF
Okay, well, when’s it gonna be solved? I need results, Husselbeck.
CARL
Well, that’s why there’s been such a mess. Rich man like that makes a lot of enemies, we’ve just got to shake things up to –
CHIEF
Really, ‘cause according to this file he had no known enemies.
CARL
He’s rich. Everyone’s his enemy. Everyone wants to be rich in this town.
CHIEF
Hmmm. So how close are you to solving it?
CARL
Well, I’m looking at the coroner’s report now, sir, and I would say… we’re really –
CHIEF
You got 24 hours, Husselbeck!
CARL
Yes, that’s what I expected.
[LAUGHTER]
CHIEF
Twenty-four hours or you’re off the case and you’re off this force.
CARL
Okay, sir.
CHIEF
Now get out of my office!
CARL
[quiet] Yeah.
JONNY
You can have your flashlights back now.
FRANK
Nice. It’s just the standard meeting with the chief, yeah?
JONNY
Yeah. Yeah, very, like – pretty… it went quite well?
CARL
Yeah, no, I feel like I’ve had this enough to know how to massage his ego a bit.
ALEX
Can I choose not to ever get my flashlights back so I don’t have to have that conversation? [laughs nervously] Can I just accept being incompetent at my job, please?
JONNY
So, on that gruff, shouty note, probably going to call the second episode to a close.
ALEX
[whispering] Found a legitimate clue, guys! Legitimate clue.
LOWRI
I am very excited –
FRANK
[overlapping] Yeah, but then she died.
LOWRI
Oh.
SASHA
I’ve got a legitimate clue. I’ve not been following it, but I might later!
LOWRI
I’ve got a clue that I… don’t think is legitimate!
JONNY
[overlapping] So –
SASHA
So maybe this is in the nought point one percent of crimes, but…
JONNY
The dramatic conclusion to this adventure of Duskhollow PD will be coming in, I believe, two weeks.
ALEX
That sounds about right to me.
JONNY
Okay, so we will see you then.
ALL
Bye!