[Intro Theme]
ANNOUNCER
Rusty Quill Presents: The Magnus Protocol.
Episode Fifty-Seven – Personality Conflicts.
[Music]
[CCTV recording begins]
[ALICE picks her way through a mass grave of derelict technology]
[She drags something heavy out of the way]
[This triggers a minor avalanche that sweeps her off her feet]
ALICE
Argh!
[The avalanche subsides and Alice takes a moment to review the damage. She has a sprained ankle.]
ALICE
…ow.
[ALICE starts to more carefully dig her way out of the mess]
ALICE
(muttered impression of Gwen) “Oh, didn’t you get the memo?” (normal muttering) No, Gwen, I didn’t read your bloody memo about literal rubbish because I was too busy doing your job! Christ!
[ALICE finally extricates herself]
ALICE
In fairness, Lena, what were you thinking, this is an absolute shambles…
[ALICE picks up a broken piece of hardware and considers it.]
ALICE
(Sighing) What are we even doing here?
[She chucks the hardware into the corner where it lands with a clatter]
[Beat]
[The CCTV zooms on ALICE a little]
ALICE
(cautious) Hello?
[Silence]
ALICE
Hellooooooooo?
[The CCTV zooms a little more]
ALICE
(slightly afraid) Is there someone there?
[ALICE picks up some hardware and brandishes it]
ALICE
I warn you, I’ve got a… (reads) “Keytronic Ergoforce” keyboard with, like, well over half its keys and I am not afraid to use it!
[Silence. Nothing moves.]
[Eventually:]
ALICE
All right, screw this. I refuse to die buried alive under third-hand fax machines.
[ALICE limps off laboriously through the mess]
[After a while an old piece of tech shifts by itself in the darkness]
[PC recording begins]
[ALICE limps in]
[She dumps her ancient keyboard on a desk, then slumps into her chair and starts her PC]
CELIA
(relieved) There you are. I was getting worried.
ALICE
You can talk. I spend twelve point nine percent of nights worrying you might be dead in a ditch.
CELIA
That’s a precise number.
ALICE
Gwen asked me to run the numbers on your absences.
CELIA
And that’s what you told her?
ALICE
No, I told her to piss off. But then I did the maths anyway.
CELIA
Well, I’m twelve point nine percent sorry, then, I guess. But still, where were you?
(noticing) And what happened to your leg?
ALICE
Lost a fight with a fax machine.
CELIA
(concerned) What?
ALICE
(nonchalant) I was just poking around in the basement following one of Colin’s old hunches. There may have been a minor… cave-in.
CELIA
Are you okay?
ALICE
I’m fine. Apart from smelling like asbestos and toner…
CELIA
(harshly) That was really stupid, Alice.
ALICE
(taken aback) All right, calm down, it’s just a twisted ankle.
CELIA
(pressing on) Yeah, this time. You can’t go off on your own like that without even telling anyone!
ALICE
I’m sorry, but somewhere between being held at gunpoint by an old lady and you storming off when I tried to talk about Gwen, I kind of got the impression you didn’t want to be involved anymore.
CELIA
That’s not fair.
ALICE
Isn’t it?
[Beat]
Do you think I want to be doing all this on my own?
CELIA
(smaller) No.
ALICE
No. I don’t. I’m tired and I’m scared and I need help. But right now I don’t know what’s going on with you… and it’s not like I have anybody else I can trust, so…
CELIA
It’s complicated, Alice –
ALICE
So you’ve said.
[Beat]
[ALICE sighs]
ALICE
Let’s just get some work done, shall we?
[ALICE starts to work and triggers a case]
NORRIS
Herein lies the household ledger for Wychwood Hall, held in trust for the Lady Mowbray in the year of our Lord 1919, by her butler Mr T.J. Rochester.
ALICE
(sighing) Brilliant.
NORRIS
Week commencing Monday, 16th September 1919.
Monday:
Debited 3 shillings sixpence for weekly milk delivery to Mr Thomas (seven quarts).
Debited one pound and six pence for this week’s bread deliveries to the baker Mr Lars.
Tuesday:
Debited one pound two shillings for two pounds of Darjeeling tea from Dosen & Mason.
Credited ten shillings from Lady Mowbray for ammunition and shooting sundries, debited the same from Loxley & Sons.
Wednesday:
Debited 5 shillings ninepence for three pounds of cod from the fishmonger Mr Hill.
Thursday:
Debited three pounds six shillings for delivery of a dozen bottles of claret from Edwards, Thatcher & Rudd.
Sunday:
Debited one pound for household contribution to Sunday service.
Considerations:
Increase milk delivery by 1 quart on request of the cook Mrs Masey.
Gratuity to be afforded to the scullery maid Ms Smith on account of her engagement to Wormwood, the delivery lad.
Lady Mowbray informs me we shall be hosting the Associates dinner next week. I shall make additional arrangements with Mr Wainright and warn the footmen.
Week commencing Monday, 23rd September 1919.
Monday:
Debited 4 shillings sixpence for weekly milk delivery to Mr Thomas (nine quarts).
Debited One pound, 3 shillings and fourpence for this week’s bread deliveries to the baker Mr Lars.
Credited twenty-five pounds from Lady Mowbray to prepare for the Associates gathering.
Tuesday:
Debited fifteen pounds from Mr Wainright for three butchered pigs and trappings.
Credited five pounds from Lady Mowbray for the discretionary gratuity fund.
Thursday:
Debited nine pounds sixteen shillings to Edwards, Thatcher & Rudd for replacement of the thirteen bottles of Rothschild to be served at the Associates’ Dinner.
Sunday:
Debited one pound for household contribution to Sunday service.
Debited one pound gratuity to Ms Smith for her engagement.
Debited eight shillings gratuity to Footman Thatcher for cleaning and discretion at the Associates dinner.
Debited eight shillings to Footman Clark for cleaning and discretion at the Associates dinner.
Debited seven pounds ten shillings to the family of Senior Footman Steward as a token of the household’s sympathy and recognition of his faithful service.
Considerations:
Mr Clark is to be promoted to Senior Footman despite his protestations.
Mrs Masey has again asked if the scullery maid’s betrothed might be considered for the vacant Hall Boy position. Given the loss of Mr Steward, I am forced to offer him a provisional position. Mrs Masey shall be responsible for ensuring they maintain proper decorum.
Lady Mowbray asked that I congratulate the staff on another successful Associates dinner. I have elected to delay such sentiments until after Mr Steward’s effects have been removed and the north wall has been fully cleaned.
Week commencing Monday, 30th September 1919.
Monday: Debited 3 shillings sixpence for weekly milk delivery to Mr Thomas (seven quarts).
Debited one shilling and tuppence for this week’s bread deliveries to the baker Mr Lars.
Debited three pounds eight shillings and fourpence for general larder stores to Dosen & Mason.
Tuesday:
Credited ninety five pounds by Lady Mowbray for anticipated household expenses in the month of October.
Wednesday:
Debited one pound seven shillings and sixpence to Belney’s ironmonger for replacement of groundskeeper equipment damaged during the Associates dinner.
Friday:
Debited five pounds for contribution to village harvest festival.
Sunday:
Debited one pound for household contribution to Sunday service.
Considerations:
Lady Mowbray has informed me that we are to entertain an Associates dinner again next week. I have suggested this may be inadvisable given how recently we lost Mr Steward, but she has insisted. I shall need to break the news to Mr Clark tomorrow.
Week commencing Monday, 7th October 1919
Monday:
Debited 4 shillings sixpence for weekly milk delivery from Mr Thomas (nine quarts).
Debited one pound two shillings and sixpence for this week’s bread deliveries to the baker Mr Lars.
Tuesday:
Credited thirty pounds from Lady Mowbray to prepare for the Associate’s dinner.
Debited twenty pounds to Mr Wainright for four butchered pigs and trappings.
Credited five pounds from Lady Mowbray for the discretionary gratuity fund.
Wednesday:
Debited fourteen shillings and thruppence for replacement cleaning supplies ahead of the Associates dinner.
Thursday:
Debited nine pounds sixteen shillings to Edwards, Thatcher & Rudd for replacement of the thirteen bottles of Rothschild to be served at the Associates dinner.
Sunday:
Debited one pound for household contribution to Sunday service.
Debited ten shillings gratuity to Footman Thatcher for cleaning and discretion at the Associates dinner.
Debited three shillings to Hallboy Wormwood for cleaning and discretion at the Associates dinner.
Debited eight pounds to the family of Senior Footman Clark as a token of the household’s sympathy and recognition of his faithful service.
Considerations:
Lady Mowbray has informed me we are to entertain the Associates again next week.
I have advised her that we cannot afford to lose any more staff at this time, but she insists it is of the utmost importance that she maintain the Association’s good humor, and so recommends I promote Wormwood the hall boy given how he comported himself after the last dinner.
I shall speak to now-Senior Footman Thatcher about training him up as quickly as possible.
Week commencing Monday, 14th October 1919
Monday:
Debited 4 shillings sixpence for weekly milk delivery from Mr Thomas (nine quarts).
Debited one pound 2 shillings and sixpence for this week’s bread deliveries to the baker Mr Lars.
Tuesday:
Credited thirty-five pounds from Lady Mowbray to prepare for the Associates dinner.
Debited twenty-five pounds to Mr. Wainright for five butchered pigs and trappings.
Credited ten pounds from Lady Mowbray for the discretionary gratuity fund.
Wednesday:
Debited one pound for replacement cleaning supplies ahead of the Associates’ Dinner.
Thursday:
Debited nine pounds sixteen shillings to Edwards, Thatcher & Rudd for replacement of another thirteen bottles of Rothschild to be served at the Associates’ Dinner.
Sunday:
Debited one pound for household contribution to Sunday service.
Debited ten shillings gratuity to Footman Wormwood for cleaning and discretion at the Associates dinner.
Debited nine pounds to the family of Senior Footman Thatcher as a token of the household’s sympathy and recognition of his faithful service.
Considerations:
The Wormwood boy is to be made Senior Footman.
Lady Mowbray seems impressed by his composure and wishes to make him a greater part of the household, despite my objections.
I have tried to speak to him directly on the matter, but he seems already enamoured by the swift change in circumstance, especially after I saw a gold coin pass to him from that peculiar merchant on his departure. I know he is a member of the Association in good standing, but I dislike having tradespeople attending the Dinner. Especially one carrying a sack.
I shall have to speak to Mrs Masey and see if we can arrange for young Wormwood’s betrothed to talk some sense into him, but we shall have to hurry. Lady Mowbray informs me we are to host the last of the season’s Associates dinners next week. It would seem her position as chair has been ratified.
Week commencing Monday, 21st October 1919
Monday:
Debited 4 shillings sixpence for weekly milk delivery from Mr Thomas (nine quarts).
Debited one pound and sixpence for this week’s bread deliveries to the baker Mr Lars.
Tuesday:
Credited fifty pounds from Lady Mowbray to prepare for the Associates dinner.
Debited twenty-four pounds and 10 shillings to the farm owners Mr and Mrs Pritchard for delivery of seven live pigs. (Mr Wainright’s services shall not be required.)
Wednesday:
Debited three pounds for special cleaning supplies ahead of the Associates’ Dinner.
Credited ten pounds from Lady Mowbray for the discretionary gratuity fund.
Thursday:
Debited ten pounds four shillings to Edwards, Thatcher & Rudd for thirteen bottles of 1904 Latour to be served at the Associates’ Dinner (Rothschild on back order).
Friday:
Debited five pounds to village council with apologies from Lady Mowbray for any possible disturbances during the Associates dinner.
Saturday:
Debited two pounds honorarium to local constabulary for assistance with discretion.
Debited five pounds to Dr Winslow for medical services rendered at the estate with discretion.
Sunday:
Debited two pounds for household contribution to Sunday service.
Debited twelve pounds to the family of the former butler Mr T.J. Rochester as a token of the household’s sympathy and recognition of his faithful service.
Considerations:
Farewell, Rochester. You served the household well, but you never understood it, were never truly part of it. Not as I am now.
We are of the household as the household is of the house and the house is of the land and together… together, together we form the whole and the whole is… noble.
So whilst this endures in blood and stone, I shall serve all the strange and wonderful people that visit in their deference and you? You shall have the rest you always craved in life.
Enjoy your retirement, Mr Rochester, and know that Lady Mowbray asked me to thank you for your service.
Hereafter lies the household ledger for Wychwood Hall, held in trust for the Lady Mowbray in the year of our Lord 1919, by her butler Mr F. Wormwood.
[Alice sighs.]
[Landline recording begins]
[ALICE enters, still limping]
GWEN
(occupied) Celia tells me there was an incident in the basement. I hope you weren’t too badly hurt?
ALICE
I can still type, if that’s what you’re worried about.
GWEN
Good to know. I’d still like you to file an accident report before the end of the night, though.
ALICE
(snorting) What, so you can file it alongside Colin’s and Sam’s?
GWEN
Something like that.
[Silence]
[ALICE fidgets]
GWEN
Was there something else?
ALICE
What’s the deal with Lady Mowbray?
GWEN
(paying attention now) What do you mean?
ALICE
She was in here not long before you stabbed Lena in the back, right?
GWEN
She visited before I was promoted.
ALICE
And Celia said she was definitely an External.
GWEN
Look, if you are trying to imply that Lady Mowbray was somehow connected with Lena’s departure –
ALICE
I mean, I wasn’t, but hearing you say that I definitely am now…
GWEN
(frustrated) So what are you getting at, then?
ALICE
So is she, like, queen of the Externals, or what?
GWEN
(sharply) What?
ALICE
I literally just got a case with her from back when butlers still roamed the earth, and it seemed pretty bloody clear that she was chief weirdo back then, so I just want to know if she’s still the head monster or whatever. Just so we know where we stand.
GWEN
(concerned) What case was this?
ALICE
The one open on my PC right now. It only just finished prattling.
GWEN
Show me.
ALICE
I will as soon as you tell me what the deal is with –
GWEN
(sharp) Now!
[Landline recording begins]
[GWEN is pushing ALICE out of her office]
ALICE
No, you’re going to tell me what’s happening right now, otherwise –
GWEN
(shoving) Get out of my office!
[She finally manages to slam the door shut and lock it]
[ALICE hammers on the door a couple of times]
[Finally, she grunts and wanders off, muttering]
[Silence as GWEN centers herself]
[She stands, heads over to her desk, and sits heavily]
[Then she picks up the phone and calls a number]
[It rings]
[It rings again]
[NIGEL DICKERSON picks up the phone. BONZO is banging around unhelpfully in the background.]
NIGEL
(nervously) Hello?
GWEN
Mr Dickerson? It’s Gwen, with the O.I.A.R.
NIGEL
Oh. Hello, Gwen.
GWEN
I was wondering if you had a moment to talk about your… uh… client?
NIGEL
Bit late for that.
GWEN
What do you mean?
NIGEL
I told you it was a mistake to cut him off, didn’t I? I told you what would happen, but would you listen to me? Oh no. No, no, no, no one listens to Nigel –
GWEN
(restrained) Listen, Mr Dickerson, I understand you’re frustrated –
NIGEL
Frustrated!? You have no idea what it’s like to live with him, especially now! Trying to keep him happy, keep him distracted, after you went and took away the only thing he wants…
GWEN
I realize that, Mr Dickerson, but –
[BONZO loudly breaks something in the background]
NIGEL
(distracted) Oh god… Not the cooker…
GWEN
Nigel. I need to know if Lady Mowbray has been in contact.
[Beat]
[In the background, BONZO wanders off to make chaos in another room]
NIGEL
(quieter) Who told you that?
GWEN
So she has?
NIGEL
Wasn’t long after you decided you were putting Mr B on sabbatical. You know, I didn’t realize you were cutting them all off…
GWEN
There were others there as well?
NIGEL
I ran out of chairs, had to grab a picnic bench from the garage.
GWEN
What were they saying?
NIGEL
Now, Gwen, you know what they say about snitches…
GWEN
(fearful and forceful) What did they say, Nigel?
[Beat]
NIGEL
They said that if the O.I.A.R. doesn’t get its act together, they’ll have to… take matters into their own hands.
[Beat]
GWEN
And Lady Mowbray?
NIGEL
Oh, they, uh… they voted her in as leader again.
GWEN
I see.
[Beat]
…Well, she seems a reasonable woman, relatively speaking. I’m sure she’ll understand when I lay it all out.
NIGEL
If you say so. I think she’s already organising a – what did she call it? A little delegation.
GWEN
…
And how long do you think until they pay us a visit?
NIGEL
Not long.
[Gwen is silent.]
NIGEL
Listen, Gwen, I have to go. He doesn’t like it when I talk to other people, and it’s snack time soon.
GWEN
(small) Sure.
NIGEL
He’s very keen to come over with Lady M. “He wants to play, he wants to stay,” and all that. So, I’ll probably be seeing you soon.
GWEN
Right. Goodbye, Nigel.
[NIGEL hangs up]
[GWEN sits shellshocked, holding the receiver]
[PC recording begins]
[CELIA is sat working as ALICE enters, agitated, and sits at her workstation]
CELIA
…Want to talk about it?
ALICE
Not really.
[Beat]
I lied earlier.
CELIA
Okay.
ALICE
I’m not okay with this. I thought I was, or at least I thought I could be, but I’m not. I can’t deal with all this extra unsaid stuff on top of all the bullshit with Gwen. I’m so scared all the time, and I need to know that there’s someone, anyone I can trust, and right now you’re all I’ve got. So, no more secrets. No more pointed silences or weird ambiguous comments or half-truths or any of that. I need you to be straight with me. I need you to be straight with me or I need you to go. It’s one or the other, non-negotiable.
CELIA
…
(hesitant) Alice, I –
ALICE
(hard) Don’t. You tell me what the hell is going on with you, the truth, the real truth, right now, or we are done.
[Silence. Celia squirms.]
[Eventually:]
CELIA
I’m not… from here. I’m from somewhere else… on the other side of the tear at the Hilltop Centre.
[Silence]
ALICE
You fucking what?
[Music]
ANNOUNCER
The Magnus Protocol is a podcast distributed by Rusty Quill and licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution Non-Commercial Sharealike 4.0 International License. The series is created by Jonathan Sims and Alexander J Newall, and directed by Alexander J Newall.
This episode was written by Alexander J Newall and edited with additional materials by Jonathan Sims, with vocal edits by Nico Vettese, soundscaping by Meg McKellar, and mastering by Catherine Rinella with music by Sam Jones.
It featured Bilie Hindle as Alice Dyer, Lowri Ann Davies as Celia Ripley, Anusia Battersby as Gwendolyn Bouchard, with additional voices from Alexander J Newall.
The Magnus Protocol is produced by April Sumner, with executive producers Alexander J Newall, Dani McDonough, Linn Ci, and Samantha F.G. Hamilton, and Associate Producers Jordan L. Hawk, Taylor Michaels, Nicole Perlman, Cetius d’Raven, and Megan Nice.
To subscribe, explore exclusive extras, and enjoy early access adfree episodes, visit members.rustyquill.com or join our Patreon. Rate and review us online, follow us on social media and email us at mail@rustyquill.com.
Thanks for listening.