[A TACKY, MYSTERY THEME, FULL OF SYNTH-Y THERAMIN]
[CELIA and GEORGIE are both recording remotely, badly]
GEORGIE
Hello and welcome to Sheeple Chase, the podcast where I, Georgie Barker, take a deep dive into all things conspiracy –
CELIA
And where I, Celia Ripley, stand by with a bullshit detector and twenty CCs of liquid scepticism.
GEORGIE
Now before we get started with today’s episode, I think I should probably address something.
CELIA
Ah.
GEORGIE
(awkward) I know some of you have seen Melanie King’s socials, but for those of you who haven’t, I sent her a DM inviting her to guest on the podcast and she then posted a screenshot of the message with a caption about how she hates “legitimate paranormal investigators” like herself being lumped in with “vapid grifters with misinformation podcasts.”
Now I’m not here to rehash anything, but just to let people know I am taking a break from social media after all the ghost-hunters came at me for being a flat-Earth, Illuminati cult leader. Which, if they’d actually listened to our episode on the Illuminati, doesn’t even make sense!
CELIA
At least she cropped your name out of it.
GEORGIE
Yes, but people still figured out who it was from! And when people called her on it, she said she didn’t think anyone to figure it out because my audience is so tiny.
CELIA
Tiny and dedicated.
GEORGIE
That’s right, and thank you to everyone who’s defended me online.
CELIA
Yeah, sorry again, if I had socials I would have used them.
GEORGIE
It’s fine. I can hardly blame you for not sharing my poison.
CELIA
Tell you what, why don’t we have a word from our sponsor?
GEORGIE
Sure.
[Ad Jingle]
GEORGIE
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[outro jingle]
GEORGIE
So with that out the way, which conspiracy are we covering today, Celia?
CELIA
It’s actually your suggestion from last week.
GEORGIE
What’s that?
CELIA
Last episode, you said I could pick “something mundane like New Coke,” so guess what I’ve picked?
GEORGIE
Oh, right.
CELIA
It’s New Coke!
GEORGIE
Eurgh.
[Unnecessarily spooky sting]
CELIA
(narrating) This is a cautionary tale about arrogant marketing departments. It’s 1985 and Coca-Cola has slipped from being the undisputed king of cola to fighting an almost neck-andneck race with Pepsi. New CEO Roberto Goizueta now has one job: beat Pepsi at any cost. And it’s time to shake things up.
GEORGIE
Yeah, you really shouldn’t do that to fizzy drinks…
CELIA
Which is why he throws out the 100-year-old recipe that made them an international sensation and replaces it with a new one!
GEORGIE
What a great idea! I assume it was a roaring success!
CELIA
Yep, it went great, everyone loved it, end of episode!
GEORGIE
Really!?
CELIA
You wish.
GEORGIE
Boo.
CELIA
Jokes aside, though, it wasn’t as crazy as it first sounds. Baby boomers had historically been huge Coke drinkers –
GEORGIE
Such cokeheads –
CELIA
– but, as they aged, they were switching to low sugar alternatives, while younger drinkers were all in on Pepsi.
GEORGIE
So, what were baby boomers switching to?
CELIA
Diet Coke.
GEORGIE
Wait, wait, wait, so they were still drinking Coke?
CELIA
Of course! Coca-Cola was still making money hand-over-fist, but one of their bragging rights was possibly in danger!
GEORGIE
Gosh, that sounds like a real capitalist crisis; someone might even lose a bonus over it.
CELIA
Right? So, they had no choice but to release a new even-sweeter recipe, and it worked! In taste tests, almost everyone preferred the new Coke recipe to Pepsi or old Coke.
GEORGIE
So far, this doesn’t sound much like a conspiracy. Hey, is this what it feels like to be you! (bad Celia impression) Nothing suspicious here! Coincidence! Coincidence!
CELIA
(bad Georgie impression) But that’s what they want you to think. And then New Coke made Ronald Reagan kill a guy!
GEORGIE
(enthused) Oh wow, really?
[Beat]
CELIA
(flat) No.
GEORGIE
That was mean.
CELIA
I know. So anyway, despite having the winning recipe, the New Coke launch didn’t go quite as planned.
The first problem was the press conference announcing it. Goizueta came out with the confidence of ten mediocre white men, crowing about the success of a product that wasn’t even on sale yet, and even worse, Pepsi had allegedly paid off reporters to ask hostile questions like “Is this change an admission that people like Pepsi better?” and “Does this move represent the company’s break from traditional American values?”
GEORGIE
That last one can’t be real!
CELIA
Oh yeah, somehow the idea that new Coke was anti-American was a bafflingly common complaint, and some southerners even framed it as a continuation of the American Civil War.
GEORGIE
(baffled) I… What? What? Why?
CELIA
Because Coca-Cola’s based in Atlanta, and Pepsi’s based in New York. So, people from southern states were calling to complain that Coke was surrendering to the Yankees.
GEORGIE
I mean, I almost respect their dedication… but mostly I’m just confused.
CELIA
Yeah, it’s actually fascinating. It turns out when they did the focus groups, although most people preferred new Coke, about 10% of people hated it, to the point they felt angry at the thought of it replacing old Coke and they were so vocal that they completely skewed the vibe and convinced other participants they didn’t like it, even after already saying they did.
GEORGIE
I would have thought the people who liked it would have just peer-pressured the rest into going with it?
CELIA
I don’t know what to tell you. Apparently only haters are contagious.
GEORGIE
That shouldn’t surprise me. So I’m guessing when the haters escaped quarantine, they infected the whole population?
CELIA
Possibly. Or that 10% were just so unbelievably loud that they drowned out everyone else. New Coke did increase sales at first, but then sales started to plummet, Coca-Cola received 40,000 complaint letters, and their hotline calls shot up to over 1500 per day. And these calls weren’t just saying “I liked Coke better the old way.” People were really emotional. Coca-Cola even hired a psychiatrist to sit in on some calls, and they said callers were showing textbook signs of grief as if they had lost a family member.
GEORGIE
You can’t be serious?
CELIA
Oh, just you wait. I’ve got quotes.
GEORGIE
Oh no…
CELIA
Quote: “At first I was numb. Then I was shocked. Then I started to yell and scream and run up and down.”
GEORGIE
Okay, bit of an overreaction, but could be worse.
CELIA
Oh yeah? How about: “I couldn’t have been more surprised if someone told me I was gay.”
GEORGIE
Why would – I – what? Actually, you know what, buddy, me too. I would also be equally surprised to be told I was gay, as I would to be told a soft drink’s recipe was changing slightly.
CELIA
Okay, how about: “There are only two things in my life: God and Coca-Cola. Now you have taken one of those things away from me.”
GEORGIE
(laughing) Okay, that one is funny.
CELIA
Then you’ll love this: “When they took old Coke off the market, they violated my freedom of choice. It’s as basic as the Magna Carta, the Declaration of Independence. We went to war in Japan over that freedom.”
GEORGIE
Okay, we went through funny and back out into scary.
CELIA
The backlash was so bad they brought back original Coke as “Coke Classic” after only 79 days.
GEORGIE
I mean, that is suspiciously quick.
CELIA
And this is where the conspiracies come in. The main one is that Coke put out new Coke knowing it would flop, just to remind people how much they loved old Coke.
GEORGIE
I could believe that.
CELIA
Goizueta always denied it, famously saying “We’re not that smart, and we’re not that dumb.”
GEORGIE
Nice quote.
CELIA
Yeah, and there’s no real evidence for it other than how quick they went back to the old formula.
GEORGIE
But did it work? Did people buy more old Coke afterwards?
CELIA
Oh yeah. Most market analysts think the big advertising push Coca-Cola did around bringing back “Classic Coke” won them the cola wars.
GEORGIE
The Cola Wars?
CELIA
Yeah, that’s an actual phrase taught in business. And honestly, I’d say people cared about it that much. People were buying hundreds of cases of Coke to hoard the old formula, and when it came back, they were so thrilled they kept on buying it.
GEORGIE
Hmm, pretty plausible. So what other conspiracies you got?
CELIA
I’m so glad you asked, Georgie. How about: New Coke was intended to derail complaints from Coca-Cola’s bottlers.
GEORGIE
Go on…
CELIA
Okay, so technically, the Coca-Cola company doesn’t make drinks.
GEORGIE
Bit harsh. They’re not good for you, but they are technically potable.
CELIA
Fair. You see, they actually make syrups, which they then sell to bottling companies who add carbonated water and package up the drinks or venues that use them in soda fountains.
GEORGIE
Hang on, my capitalist bullshit detector is going off…
CELIA
Yeah, so it’s not a good deal for the bottling companies who have to sign a contract saying they’ll only bottle Coca-Cola products in order to get access to the syrups, the recipe and, of course, the branding.
GEORGIE
So a monopoly with extra steps?
CELIA
Essentially. So in 1985, Coca-Cola was in the middle of a mass dispute with its bottling companies. They said that Coca-Cola had always charged more for the old Coke syrup than their others, on the basis that it was more valuable for being so established and unchanged.
Now with New Coke, they argued that it was too hard to sell after years of marketing Coke’s consistency with slogans like “Still the Same Great Taste,” and some said they were even being ostracized by their friends and family because of their association.
GEORGIE
Yikes…
CELIA
So naturally they said, “Well it’s changed now, so lower the price, you greedy pricks.”
GEORGIE
Oh no, I see where this is going…
CELIA
Yeah… by arguing that New Coke syrup was worth less because it had changed, they were seen to accept that Old Coke syrup was worth the higher price.
GEORGIE
So, people think New Coke was bad on purpose just to bait the bottlers into tanking their own court case?
CELIA
Yeah, and there’s some weight to the allegation, since after the suit was dropped, Coca-Cola went and bought major stakes in all their biggest bottling companies.
GEORGIE
Of course they did. Well, I think I might need a new conspiracy to wash the taste of classic conspiracy out my mouth.
CELIA
Say no more. How do we feel about claims that Coca-Cola made big temporary changes to their recipe to hide smaller permanent changes?
GEORGIE
What, like taking out the cocaine? That would explain a lot of the 80s…
CELIA
Close! That was actually in 1903, back before people decided giving piles of cocaine to children might be a bad idea. No, this alleged change was the swap from cane sugar to cheaper high fructose corn syrup with New Coke being deliberately sickly sweet so that the corn syrup would taste better in comparison.
GEORGIE
But I thought most people preferred New Coke?
CELIA
Oh yeah, if Coca-Cola had planned on releasing an unpalatable drink they absolutely beefed it. It would have been pointless since high fructose corn syrup had already been phased in for 5 years.
GEORGIE
Celia. I have a theory.
CELIA
I’d expect nothing less.
GEORGIE
Okay, so you said Coca-Cola stopped using cocaine in the early 1900s, right?
CELIA
Yeeeees.
GEORGIE
So what if they never took the cocaine out at all!? They just said they did, but they were secretly still making good old fashoned cocaine-a-cola all the way up to 1985.
CELIA
Sounds… expensive.
GEORGIE
Not if it was just a itsy-bitsy, teeny-tiny, child-friendly amount of cocaine.
CELIA
Ah right, well that’s different.
GEORGIE
But then in the 80s, Reagan’s all-in on his War on Drugs and it’s just too risky to keep it up any more, so you finally need to change the recipe and take it out, so you cover it up with a bullshit recipe change –
CELIA
I hate that this almost makes sense…
GEORGIE
– People love the new taste but, for some reason, it just hits different than old Coke and they can’t figure out what’s missing. It must be the American values, they think. That’s why they’re craving the old recipe so much: this one’s un-American!
They demand you change back to the old one, so you switch to the original formula, minus the cocaine, and hope it’s close enough. A few people notice but, luckily, you’ve already started mixing in garbage sugar syrup so you can pass it off. Then hey, presto: you’re out of the drug game and your share price is up, all in less than three months.
CELIA
Okay, couple of questions.
GEORGIE
Shoot. I’m on a roll.
CELIA
So it’s true that Coca-Cola does have a special license to use coca leaves –
GEORGIE
They do?! Oh my god, I’m right. I’ve cracked it!
CELIA
But they have a special supplier, Stepan Company, who imports coca leaves from Peru and Bolivia and then “de-cocainises” them –
GEORGIE
Unless they’re paid to do a rubbish job –
CELIA
Sure, but even then it doesn’t make any financial sense. A can of Coke in 1985 was what, 25 cents? But I’d bet cocaine was a smidge more expensive.
GEORGIE
It’s Coca-Cola. I’m sure they’d be getting wholesale prices.
CELIA
Even with that, they’d have to be using absolutely miniscule portions…
GEORGIE
But that’s what I’m saying! It just needs a little kick. A baby kick.
CELIA
Babies can kick quite hard.
GEORGIE
A puppy kick, then. From a baby dachshund. They’ve only got tiny little legs.
CELIA
I’m not convinced. That’s a lot of risk and expense just for a soda.
GEORGIE
But all is fair in love and soda-war, Celia!
CELIA
I mean, if you could categorically prove they were somehow getting massive amounts of cocaine for cheap –
GEORGIE
In the 80s, not impossible…
CELIA
Not completely impossible.
GEORGIE
I’ll take it! Vindication! Very, very partial, conditional vindication!
CELIA
Oh, just do your ad and get on with it!
[Jingle]
CELIA
Wow, Georgie, I can’t believe Mia Hill from the Manic Pixie Scream Girls came to your birthday party.
GEORGIE
Oh, Celia, you’re so gullible. That was just a lookalike. I was impressed with you having step-dad-who-works-at-Nintendo at your barbeque. That was really hashtag-relatable.
CELIA
Haha, I don’t even have a step-dad. That was a lookalike too!
GEORGIE
What? But Celia, how can you hire a lookalike for someone who doesn’t exist?
[peppy music]
CELIA
With EveryBodyDoubles, of course! At EveryBodyDoubles, you can hire a lookalike for any overly specific but still normal-looking character you can think of.
Maybe you need to pretend to colleagues you have a girlfriend who’s allergic to dogs, or you need an overly authoritarian personal trainer to get out of running with a friend? Maybe you just want to hang out with a retired parasailer. We’ve all been there! Whatever and whoever you need can be found at EveryBodyDoubles.
(conditions) EveryBodyDoubles agents are untrained professionals incapable of performing impressions or basic tasks.
[ad outro]
GEORGIE
Well, that’s about it for this week. But we’ll be back next time with more tales of collusion and cover-ups!
CELIA
You doing anything exciting before then? Any more bungee jumping dates?
GEORGIE
I do have another coffee date with the instructor, but I’m not getting my hopes up.
CELIA
What’s wrong now?
GEORGIE
(small voice) Their tortoise hates me.
CELIA
I’m not even going to try to unpack that. Thank you everybody for listening, and remember, if you think something tastes funny, don’t worry: they haven’t removed all the cocaine, the manufacturers just hate freedom.
GEORGIE
(aside) I might need to cut that for the sponsors…
[tacky theme tune]
ANNOUNCER
Sheeple Chase and The Magnus Protocol are podcasts distributed by Rusty Quill and licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution NonCommercial Share-alike 4.0 International License.
Sheeple Chase was created by Sasha Sienna, directed by April Sumner, and based on the works of Jonathan Sims and Alexander J Newall.
This episode was written by Sasha Sienna and edited with additional materials by Jonathan Sims and Alexander J Newall, with audio edits by Nico Vettese, mastering by Meg McKellar, and music by Nico Vettese.
It featured Sasha Sienna as Georgie Barker and Lowri Ann Davies as Celia Ripley.
To subscribe, explore exclusive extras, and enjoy early access, ad-free episodes, visit members.rustyquill.com or join our Patreon. Rate and review us online, follow us on social media or email us at mail@rustyquill.com.
Thanks for listening.