Solo Work

ANNOUNCER

This episode is dedicated to John C. Worsley in honor of his daughter, Vivienne C. Worsley, she of the beloved carrot, the hungry sandwich, & the secret twelve.

[Intro Theme]

ANNOUNCER

Rusty Quill Presents: The Magnus Protocol.

Episode Eighteen – Solo Work.

[Music]

---

[Dial-up phone sounds]

[Alice is walking outside along the road, humming faintly, before she stops in her tracks]

ALICE

Teddy?

(calling) Hey! Teddy!

[She starts walking faster in his direction]

TEDDY

Hey, Alice! Hi. I, er… (unconvincingly) didn’t recognize you.

ALICE

(punching him in the arm) Way to make a girl feel wanted!

TEDDY

Ow! Sorry, not what I meant.

ALICE

It’s fine. Kind of assumed you were coming to see me, though, given you’re lingering where I work. (grinning) I’m flattered, but –

TEDDY

Heh. Yeah, well – uh –

ALICE

I mean, I suppose it’s possible you’re not here to see me, but if it was Gwen she would already have devoured you during mating. So –

TEDDY

You do know that –

ALICE

It’s Sam, isn’t it? You played it all cool during the leaving party, but you’re actually stalking him, all hot and heavy with whips and chains and –

TEDDY

I’ll just let you go ahead and finish, shall I?

ALICE

Best not, I might be a few minutes.

TEDDY

God, I’d forgotten what it’s like being talked at by you.

ALICE

(heh) That’s my brand, baby – irritating, yet faintly erotic! So anyway, why are you here?

TEDDY

…Oh, I can speak now?

ALICE

I’ll allow it.

TEDDY

If you must know, I had an interview.

ALICE

(teasing) I knew you couldn’t make it without my delicious charms.

TEDDY

You do realize there are other businesses in Royal Mint Court? It’s not just the creepy basement nightmare factory.

ALICE

(genuinely surprised) …Huh. I never considered that.

TEDDY

Well, there you go.

[A beat.]

ALICE

How are you doing?

TEDDY

I’ve – I’ve been better. I have some savings, though – I’ll get by.

ALICE

Be cool if you got this job, right? You working here by day, and me lurking in the night… (bright) Hey, we could even go for drinks! A little snifter to start your day off right!

TEDDY

Sure, maybe. …I’ll have to keep you posted about the interview.

ALICE

You have to keep me posted about everything – I never see you anymore!

TEDDY

Yeahhhh. Sorry…

ALICE

We’ll go out for drinks. You, me, Sam and Celia.

TEDDY

Celia?

ALICE

Oh, you’ll love her, mate. She’s really weird, but like, in a hot way? She’ll make you forget about all about your embarrassing obsession with Sam.

TEDDY

(almost a laugh) But how could I ever forget my one and only Alice-assigned true love?

ALICE

(matter-of-fact) Because I’ll order you to!

TEDDY

(hah) I have missed you.

ALICE

Then text me back, you loser.

TEDDY

I will!

ALICE

Liar.

[It is meant to be a joke.]

[Teddy “hah”s]

[Alice attempts a laugh in response]

[Awkward silence]

TEDDY

Anyway, I should get going. Don’t want to hold you up. Especially if Lena’s in.

ALICE

Yeahhh. Some things never change.

TEDDY

I’ll see you around, Alice.

[He starts heading off]

ALICE

(calling after him) Not if I stalk you first!

(quieter, to herself) Look after yourself, Teddy.

[Phone dials down.]

---

[A few beeps, stuttering, as the echoey CCTV starts up]

[Sam is pouring himself a coffee. He takes a sip and winces at the taste:]

SAM

Ow.

[Footsteps entering]

SAM

Hey, Lena!

LENA

Hello.

[She walks over to the kettle, fills it, then flicks it on]

[Sam sips his coffee again]

[An awkward silence]

SAM

Er… Don’t see you in here often.

LENA

I forgot to fill my thermos this evening.

SAM

Hm. Right.

[Beat. The kettle whirs.]

LENA

You seem unsettled. Have you had a difficult case?

SAM

No. I mean – yeah, but no more than normal.

LENA

Yet you seem quite nervous.

[Everything Lena says has a vibrating timbre like she is making an official P.R. announcement.]

SAM

Oh, well… I mean… If I’m being honest, you’re my boss, but I’ve hardly ever actually spoken to you still.

LENA

Why would I need to talk to you? Your work is satisfactory. Unless you have a work-related issue I could assist you with?

SAM

Um, no. Nothing like that.

LENA

Then, consider my silence a compliment, if you like.

SAM

Rrright.

[Extended pause]

[The kettle boils, and Lena pours out her tea]

SAM

Oh, I meant to ask – is Celia going to be in today?

LENA

No.

SAM

(soft) Oh.

…

Can I ask why?

LENA

You may.

[Beat.]

SAM

Uhhh…

LENA

(taking slight pity) She called in with a “childcare emergency.”

SAM

God. I hope Jack’s okay.

LENA

Who’s that?

SAM

Uh, Celia’s kid?

LENA

Oh, is that its name.

SAM

…Yeah?

LENA

Hm.

SAM

…

No kids of your own?

LENA

No.

SAM

No.

That makes sense.

[LENA finishes making her tea, dropping the teabag in the bin.]

LENA

I hope you enjoyed our talk. Let me know if you have any problems.

[She walks out at a casual pace]

[Sam blows air through his cheeks, before taking a sip and heading into work.]

---

AUGUSTUS

(said robotically)

Report of medical examiner’s investigation, for inquest into the death of: Violet Parker.
Autopsy and examination performed by: Dr. S. Rashid.

Decedent: Violet Abigail Parker
Sex: Female
Age: 41
Ethnicity: White British
Occupation: Teacher
Home Address: 74 Willowtree Close, Ickenham, Greater London
Type of death: Found at scene
Notification by: London Metropolitan Police
Investigating agency: As above
Situation of body: Clothed, in the middle of Milton Court Open Space
Estimated time of death: oh-three hundred, 20.03.2024
Rigor: Yes
Eyes: Grey
Hair: Brown
Height: one-seven-two centimetres
Weight: three-one kilograms
Marks and wounds: Extreme malnutrition. Tissue damage on both feet and stress fracture on left ankle.
Probable cause of death: Starvation, dehydration, exposure.
Manner of death: Unknown.
Examiner’s comments:

(still TTS-style, but with a bit more human rhythm in it)

Hopefully, no-one will ever read this. God, I hope she stays silent, and if she does, then I will burn these notes so they can’t be used as evidence to strip me of my position. But if she starts again and others can confirm it, then I think it’s important to have kept these notes.

Shortly before finishing my autopsy, the deceased, Violet Abigail Parker, began to talk. I can confirm absolutely that she was dead when this happened, and I was at that moment examining her heart and lungs, and neither of them was active. How she could speak with an open thorax is beyond me.

She seemed to be reciting some sort of story, almost as an involuntary reflex. I believe it may have some relevance to her death. I managed to transcribe some, and have included it in my notes.

After a few minutes the cadaver ceased to speak and has not resumed since. Unless the morgue technicians or funeral directors report something similar prior to cremation, I will probably keep this record private. I want to ask the next of kin about it, but unfortunately, no-one has come forward to claim the body. Besides, I doubt they would appreciate finding out she gave her last words after her death.

Transcript as follows:

(a lower voice, much more natural:)

”– and of course mother always said not to. It was an old house, and an empty house, and mother said that that made it a dangerous house. There will be spiders, she said, rotten wood to fall through, and oh so many rusty nails. And most importantly, too many rooms. So many turning passageways to confuse you, so many locked doors, that even if you didn’t hurt yourself, you might never find your way out again! And then you’d walk till your feet broke and you starved to death!

She wouldn’t come for us, if we went in there. She’d leave us to wander all alone. That’s what mother said. And we never did go in that house on Church Street.

But it’s strange. Even though we never went inside, I’ve been in the house on Church Street my entire life. I try to escape it. If my mother says she needs money, I give it. If Tom needs me to put together more lesson plans, I will. If Hannah needs her clothes washed, I’ll do it. Because if I don’t, if I don’t listen and I don’t do what I’m told, then they won’t come for me – (tearing up) I’ll be alone in the house. I’ll be alone.

And it’s always there, waiting for me. I’ve dreamt of it my whole life, and I still am dreaming.

When I was fifteen, we were told that we had to study Wordsworth in school: “I Wandered Lonely as a Cloud.” Everyone laughed: soppy, stupid poetry. But in my imagination the clouds rolled silent and thick through the old house on Church Street, choking and hiding, so that even if anyone had thought to look they would never have seen me. The daffodils pushed and strained and tore through the old wood of the house, a rotted mass of yellow that would be my only company. From that day forward the empty grey of the house was laced with fog and moldering yellow.

The house itself is long gone, of course. They tore it down when I was ten. Reduced to splinters and stones.

But it was already too late. With my mother’s help I had built the house anew! Not on Church Street, but inside me. Where no-one would find me or ever think to look.

And here I am. The corridors stretch onwards with the doors all blank and strange. Even the daffodils are here, stinking of mildew. Someone has brought me here. But who? Some figure, reaching, asking questions in an alley? It doesn’t matter. They’re not here now. No-one’s here now. No-one ever will be.

Because I broke my promise. I went in the house on Church Street, and I’m still here. Now all I can do is walk. Walk, and hope, and ignore the burning in my throat and the aching in my belly. (hoarse) Keep screaming, hoping someone might hear me through all that cloying fog.

But no-one is coming to help me. So I must be careful on the stairs, or they will break and I will fall. I must be careful on the floor, or I will step upon an upturned nail. I must be careful with the doors, or the handles will give me splinters – and the fall will break my legs – and the nails will give me tetanus – and the splinters will turn to gangrene – and all the while the daffodils will watch and wilt and laugh.

I wander lonely.

I wander, lonely.

I will die in this place. And no-one will miss me.”

[Beep.]

---

[Typing sounds as we return to the office]

[A swivel of the chair:]

SAM

Alice?

ALICE

Hm?

SAM

Were you listening to that one?

ALICE

Sorry, no. Was reading about some guy with an inverted face, sitting on the ceiling and watching a guy while he sleeps. Pretty gnarly stuff. Why?

SAM

Well, it was… This dead woman was speaking to the medical examiner, and –

ALICE

G for Ghost, comma recent. Easy!

SAM

No… it was the corpse itself that was speaking.

[Alice is suddenly a little bit wary.]

ALICE

Speaking, as in…?

SAM

As in telling the story of its death. (dark) Sounds like she was trapped in her greatest fear, which then actually killed her.

ALICE

Look, I see where you’re going with this. Y-You think it’s something to do with – with what I saw?

SAM

Yeah. I think maybe there’s something out there that killed them both.

ALICE

(growing sarcastic) Hmmmm. I see. So, you reckon I should have a look at this case? Maybe note down some connections? Pin it up on my corkboard, circle some key dates in bright red, connect them all with string, and stare at them while moodily sipping bourbon?

SAM

I mean, maybe?

ALICE

That’s dumb.

SAM

You can’t just ignore this.

ALICE

Why not?

Okay, let’s assume you’re right. These cases are connected and there’s a weird murderer who can kill you with your deepest fear and then make your corpse narrate it. Let’s take that insane premise as a truth.

SAM

Fine.

ALICE

(patiently) Did your case give you any clue as to how to avoid this killer?

SAM

(seeing where this is going) Uh… no, not really.

ALICE

Okay. Did it give any hint as to where they were going to be in the future so that I can avoid also being there?

SAM

(down) Well, no, but –

ALICE

Did it, in fact, give any details as to how it works, what it looks like, what it wants, why it’s here, anything like that?

SAM

…

No.

ALICE

Then with the greatest respect, your idea is bad and you should feel bad.

SAM

But now we know something’s out there–!

ALICE

And? If even one percent of these cases has even a grain of truth to them, then there are hundreds of somethings out there, thousands!

This is just the latest flavour of awful.

SAM

But you might have actually met this one. In person!

ALICE

And in case you didn’t notice, it messed me up! (louder) So why the hell would I want to know more about it!?

SAM

I mean, it might help you come to terms with it, or –

ALICE

No, Sam.

(a breath) Absolute best case scenario, it does nothing and just wastes my time. Most likely scenario, it makes me too scared to walk down the street without freaking out. Worst case scenario, it gets me curious. Because if there’s one thing I’ve noticed with all these cases over the years, it’s that it’s curiosity that actually gets you killed. So thanks, but no thanks.

[Sam sighs a long sigh.]

SAM

…Sorry I brought it up.

ALICE

(gentler) It’s okay. I know you’re just trying to help, but –

[A door slams from the other end of the office.]

ALICE

Ooooooh, trouble in paradise!

SAM

Lena’s on Gwen’s case again?

ALICE

(hushed) I dunno, she looks –

(calling) Hey! Here comes trouble! As the barman said to the bull: “Oh god, oh god no, please don’t kill anyone, we don’t have insurance!”

GWEN

(flat) Don’t tempt me.

ALICE

Wouldn’t dream of it. Sam, on the other hand, looks pretty iffy to me…

SAM

What’s up?

GWEN

Nothing. It’s fine.

ALICE

Oh good, glad that’s sorted. (immediately) Sam? Coffee?

SAM

Uh…

ALICE

You know, since everything is “fine”?

[Gwen sighs.]

SAM

Gwen?

GWEN

It’s just another Externals assignment from Lena.

SAM

And that’s a problem because…

GWEN

Because… they’re not…

[Breath in. Breath out.]

Fun.

ALICE

Oh, well, no wonder you’re throwing a massive strop. Lena can’t possibly expect you to do work that isn’t a complete hoot every second, that would be completely unreasonable!

[Gwen sighs agitatedly as Alice speaks]

SAM

Sorry, did I miss the part where “Externals” is meant to mean anything?

ALICE

(explaining) Grumpy contractors from outside the office getting government grants to do eff-all.

GWEN

No, it’s not… It’s more complicated than that.

SAM

Complicated how?

GWEN

(hesitant) They’re not… (inhales) …I don’t think they’re people. Not all of them, anyway. Not fully.

ALICE

I mean, are any of us lowly worms “people” to you?

SAM

Not now, Alice.

[Alice makes an affronted noise, but shuts up.]

SAM

What do you mean “not people,” Gwen?

GWEN

In the cases. (she shifts as she talks) You know how there are often things or places or people or whatever who… Aren’t right? Who seem to be causing all the awful things to happen.

SAM

Like… the monsters?

GWEN

I guess? Well, it seems some of them… I have to meet some of them, to, uh… pass them work.

ALICE

(incredulous) Riiiiiiiiight.

[Beat.]

SAM

(dubious but supportive) Okay… So, like, can you give us an example?

GWEN

(voice cracking slightly) I… Yeah, I guess.

[A tense beat]

GWEN

(working up to it) So… Do –

[A shaky breath]

Do you remember from TV…

Mr Bonzo?

[Pregnant pause]

[Sam suddenly bursts out cackling]

SAM

You absolute asshole, Gwen! You absolute – Y-you totally had me going there! I was – ha! Christ! Could you imagine, though?

[In the background, faintly, Gwen is hyperventilating. Sam doesn’t notice:]

SAM

You turn up to the TV studio all like, (sinister voice) “I have a job for you, Mr Bonzo,” (normal voice) And he’s all like, (Bonzo voice) “BONZO BONZO BONZ–”

GWEN

SHUT UP! SHUT UP! Shut the fuck up!

[Stunned silence.]

[Gwen sounds like she’s crying.]

GWEN

You don’t–…

[She exits.]

[Beat.]

SAM

So… that was weird.

ALICE

Told you. Curiosity will get you killed. Best try and ignore it.

SAM

Alice, she’s really messed up. You can’t just keep ignoring –

ALICE

(loudly) Can’t hear you! Headphones!

SAM

Oh for god’s sake…

---

[Sounds similar to the CCTV starting up – but this is a baby monitor.]

GEORGIE

(covering her face) Where’s Georgie? (revealing her face) There she is!

[Jack makes delighted baby noises]

GEORGIE

(covering her face) Oh no! Where’s Georgie gone!

JACK

Ga ga ga.

GEORGIE

(revealing her face) There she is!

JACK

(delighted) Ga! Ga ga.

GEORGIE

(covering her face) Oh no! Who keeps taking Georgie’s face?!

[The door opens and Celia comes in. She’s struggling with something heavy.]

CELIA

(panting slightly) Having fun?

GEORGIE

(revealing her face) Always! He’s a great kid.

CELIA

(sighing) He’s a hungry gremlin. I’ve been all over town to find somewhere in stock. Thanks for stopping by to watch him.

[Jack continues cooing happily]

GEORGIE

Of course. It’s not like I’ve got a big journey, and I’ve always got editing work that I can do just as easily from here as at home.

CELIA

Well, I really appreciate it.

GEORGIE

You know, you can call me beforehand. You don’t need to wait until you’ve already gone to let me know.

CELIA

(wincing audibly) It’s… not always that simple. I’d run out baby food and –

GEORGIE

Celia. I’m saying you don’t need to lie to me.

CELIA

I’m not!¹

GEORGIE

He woke up hungry after I got here, so I grabbed one of the many, many food jars you have in the cupboard.

CELIA

…Ah.

GEORGIE

Look – Celia, I like you. And I love little Jack! (baby-talking as Jack reacts happily) Yes I do! He’s so cute! (returning to normal voice) So – I’m not going to ask about all these “emergencies” that you have to run off to, or your “civil service” job that happens to last all night.

But if I’m going to be helping out, I need you to be straight with me on something.

CELIA

(resigned) …Okay.

[Beat.]

GEORGIE

Are you spying on me for the government?

CELIA

(solemnly) I promise I am not spying on you for the government.

GEORGIE

Illuminati? Masons? (to herself) Well, no, you wouldn’t be spying for the Masons, but – (louder) you know what I mean.

CELIA

(voice going high in amusement) Wait, are you serious?

GEORGIE

Look, I know it’s daft, but I need you to promise.

CELIA

Fine. I promise I am not spying on you for any government, secret society, or other organization.

GEORGIE

Or aliens.

CELIA

Or aliens. Good enough?

GEORGIE

(genuinely relieved) …Yeah. Yeah, I believe you. Okay. (a breath) Thanks.

Right, then! I should get going – see if I can catch some sleep.

[Fabric rustling and bags being zipped as Georgie stands up]

CELIA

Mmm.

GEORGIE

…Speaking of… have you been out all this time in your pajamas?

CELIA

…Yes. (tiredly) Yes, I have.

GEORGIE

(“not going to ask”) Okay!

---

[Music]

ANNOUNCER

The Magnus Protocol is a podcast distributed by Rusty Quill and licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution Non-Commercial Sharealike 4.0 International License. The series is created by Jonathan Sims and Alexander J Newall, and directed by Alexander J Newall.

This episode was written by Jonathan Sims and edited with additional materials by Alexander J Newall, with vocal edits by Lowri Ann Davies, soundscaping by Tessa Vroom, and mastering by Catherine Rinella with music by Sam Jones.

It featured Billie Hindle as Alice Dyer, Shahan Hamza as Samama Khalid, Anusia Battersby as Gwen Bouchard, Lowri Ann Davies as Celia Ripley, Kazeem Tosin Amore as Teddy Vaughan, Sarah Lambie as Lena Kelley, with additional voices from Tim Fearon.

The Magnus Protocol is produced by April Sumner, with executive producers Alexander J Newall, Dani McDonough, Linn Ci, and Samantha F.G. Hamilton, and Associate Producers Jordan L. Hawk, Taylor Michaels, Nicole Perlman, Cetius d’Raven, and Megan Nice.

To subscribe, view associated materials, or join our Patreon, visit rustyquill.com. Rate and review us online, tweet us @therustyquill, visit us on facebook or email us at mail@rustyquill.com.

Thanks for listening.