ANNOUNCER
This episode is dedicated from Eric Crabtree to LaWanda Anderson – You will always be my chipmunk and I love you always. You taught me that it’s okay to seek help and know my value as a person. I spent so much time hunting for reasons to exist and with help I learned that the reason lives inside me all along. This world shines brighter because you exist in it. I love you always.
[Intro Theme]
ANNOUNCER
Rusty Quill Presents: The Magnus Protocol.
Episode Six – Introductions.
[Music]
[The microphone of the decrepit OIAR computer once again turns on]
[Slow, unsteady typing noises]
[Sam yawns]
[From nearby, Alice starts singing a wordless lullaby]
SAM
Not helping, Alice.
[He sounds exhausted.]
ALICE
I’m sorry, I’m meant to be helping now?
SAM
I’m going to get another coffee.
ALICE
Have you considered simply bypassing your mouth altogether and injecting the beans directly into your bloodstream?
SAM
(exhaling) Great idea. Why didn’t I think of that?
ALICE
Not enough coffee beans in your blood.
SAM
Of course.
[Beat. More typing.]
ALICE
Real talk, though, if the first three coffees haven’t helped, I wouldn’t get another. More caffeine isn’t going to make you more awake, it’s just going to make you shake and puke.
SAM
(yawning again) I’ll have to risk it. I’m really struggling here.
ALICE
Oh sure. Ignore the woman who’s worked nights for almost a decade. What would she know?
SAM
So what would you suggest?
ALICE
Going back in time and buying those black-out curtains like I told you to.
SAM
I know, I know, I just – we barely see the sun as it is, it feels wrong to actively shut it out entirely.
ALICE
Oh, Sam. The sun is the enemy! It rules the world of light, but we who dwell in darkness feel only its wrath. (normal again) Get the curtains.
SAM
Yeah, maybe.
ALICE
Or get fired for falling asleep at your desk. Your call. (she stops typing) Incidentally, did you know you make this adorable little, “mlem” noise when you drop off?
SAM
(snickers; affectionately:) You really punish people for daring to be your friend, you know that, right?
ALICE
My justice is harsh but fair. Anyway, you’d best get your nap out of the way. We need you bright-eyed and bushy-tailed when you meet the new guy.
SAM
Aren’t I the new guy?
ALICE
Pffft. You wish. You’re old news, Sam, basically a dinosaur. There’s a new new hire coming in. It’s all in Lena’s email, which you would probably have read if you were conscious.
SAM
Is someone else leaving?
ALICE
Hope not, but this job has kind of a high turnover rate, so Lena likes to hire a couple of replacements when an old-timer leaves.
SAM
What, and just assumes one of them won’t stick it out?
ALICE
She’s usually right. And at this exact moment, my snoozy darling, the smart money’s not on you.
SAM
What happens if both of us thrive here?
ALICE
Then we draw lots and one of you gets eaten at the Christmas party.
SAM
(amused) Well, let’s hope the new guy isn’t too stringy.
ALICE
Ooh, fighting words!
[Footsteps: GWEN enters from the break room.]
SAM
Hey, Gwen, you hear we’ve got a new hire coming in?
GWEN
(unenthused) Whoop-de-doo.
SAM
Not you too.
GWEN
Training someone up takes a lot of time, and we’re massively behind as it is.
SAM
True, but once they’re trained up, it’s another pair of hands to help.
ALICE
If they stick around.
GWEN
Which they won’t. (she sits) Now, like I said, massively behind.
SAM
…Sure, sorry.
[Everyone resumes typing in silence]
[Sam continues to yawn]
[Suddenly, the computer starts playing a casefile]
[There is a ringing as a phone call is made, then tinny phone audio:]
OPERATOR 1
Emergency, which service?
NEEDLES
What a fantastically good question.
OPERATOR 1
Police, ambulance or fire?
NEEDLES
Well no-one’s on fire, so probably not that one. Although they also do rescue, don’t they. And this poor fellow really would benefit from a bit of rescuing right now.
OPERATOR 1
Sir, describe the situation and I can transfer you as appropriate.
NEEDLES
Hang on, I’ll ask him.
[The phone is jostled a bit as Needles moves]
[We hear a man whose breathing is ragged and pained]
NEEDLES
(slightly distant) What do we think? Police or ambulance?
VICTIM
(pained and mumbling) …help…
OPERATOR 1
Sir? Sir, are you in danger?
[The phone is brought away from the victim]
NEEDLES
(clearer again) You’ll have to forgive him, he’s full of needles at the moment, you see.
[He giggles]
OPERATOR 1
Sir, can I please have your location?
NEEDLES
Oh, I thought you got it automatically?
OPERATOR 1
Not on mobile, so –
NEEDLES
Wonderful! I have longer than I thought. In that case, we’ll have a little natter at our end, and call you back once we come to a decision about which service!
[He laughs again, more maniacally]
OPERATOR 1
Sir, don’t hang up –
[A scream of agony from the victim]
[The line goes dead.]
[Another ringing as a second call goes through to 999:]
OPERATOR 2
Emergency, which service?
NEEDLES
We’ve been discussing it, and we’re going to go with police. Final answer.
OPERATOR 2
Transferring you now.
[The call is put through.]
POLICE OPERATOR
Police, what’s your emergency?
NEEDLES
Yes, hello Police! I’ve got a man here and, well – let’s just say he’s been quite stabbed.
POLICE OPERATOR
Are you in any danger?
NEEDLES
(amused) Me? Gosh no! No. I suspect he thought I was at first, though. The way he postured and pulled out his little knife.
POLICE OPERATOR
Is the attacker still in the area?
NEEDLES
Oh yes, very much so. Although I really wouldn’t go so far as to call him an attacker. In fact, in many ways it was an act of affection by the end. An embrace. …A cuddle, even! Ha! Yes, let’s call it a cuddle.
[He starts laughing to himself]
POLICE OPERATOR
Are you sure you’re okay? Panic is normal in these situations. Have you been hurt?
NEEDLES
Of course it hurts, how couldn’t it? But I’ve come to rather enjoy the pain by now. All those teeny tiny holes, bright and sharp…
POLICE OPERATOR
I’m going to need you to stay with me. The man, the one you said was stabbed, is he still there?
NEEDLES
I doubt he’s going anywhere ever again.
POLICE OPERATOR
…Is he breathing? Does he need an ambulance?
NEEDLES
Absolutely. But that isn’t the real question, is it?
POLICE OPERATOR
I can dispatch an ambulance, but I need your location. Do you know your address? Do you know where you are?
NEEDLES
I know exactly where I am. I grew up here, you know. It was a decent place back then. Nice people lived here, you understand? Not like now, now it’s a dreadful place. Not safe to walk at night. I take some pride in that, actually.
POLICE OPERATOR
(enunciating) Sir, I need an address or a landmark. Tell me where you are.
NEEDLES
Oh the land is definitely marked now, same as me. And it feels good. It satisfies in a way I never really thought anything would. It fills that hollow, lonely hole inside quite nicely. It’s not sadism or masochism, I tried both of those already.
I think it’s the fear. The look in their eyes once they realize their mistake – (audiibly grinning) it just makes me want to hold them close, so I do.
POLICE OPERATOR
The injured man – did you stab him?
NEEDLES
Ah, well, that’s a tricky one. Sort of? In many ways he stabbed himself on me. By the time he saw the needles we were already very close. Close enough to smell his sweat and cheap aftershave. In fact, he barely had time to be afraid before we embraced. He’s terrified now, of course…
[Whimpering from the man in the background]
POLICE OPERATOR
I need to put you through to my supervisor.
NEEDLES
(suddenly sharp and fast) If you leave this call I shall embrace him again and I sincerely doubt he would survive.
(returning to jocular) You know what? I’d like to change my answer. I did stab him, yes. I certainly repositioned myself to make sure he got some in his face. In his eyes. Does that count? (laughing) He keeps touching them like he’s going to be able to pull all the metal out but I told him, it will only drive them deeper!
It won’t last too long, thankfully, he’ll finish bleeding out any minute now. But in the meantime, that fear wafting off him as he lies there, half afraid of death and half afraid of living with what has happened to him – it’s quite delightful. And it drowns out the aftershave nicely.
[Beat.]
POLICE OPERATOR
(slowly, disturbed but keeping it together) Give me your address and remain where you are.
NEEDLES
Do I frighten you? Mr. Operator.
POLICE OPERATOR
Is that why you called? To try and scare whoever picked up?
NEEDLES
Call it dessert. But you’re not afraid, are you? Unsettled, off-balance, but – nothing more. Why is that?
POLICE OPERATOR
I guess I’m just not scared of needles.
NEEDLES
(suddenly enraged) Not sca– This isn’t some poxy blood test, some little pinprick, this is hundreds, thousands of razor-sharp points pushing into your flesh. We’re talking about the embrace of an iron maiden, an excruciating agony formed from a thousand tiny hurts.
POLICE OPERATOR
(slowly, loudly) Sir, you’re clearly not… well. And I believe you’ve hurt someone who may have tried to mug you, so if you give me your location I can send someone over to help.
NEEDLES
Oh, I see. You don’t believe me.
Yes, I suppose that makes sense. It is somewhat outlandish, and that’s only exacerbated by the distancing effect of the phone.
…Yes, the more I think on it, the more obvious it is that this call was never going to give me what I was after. I wonder, though, which of the police contact centres you’re hiding in! Hendon? Lambeth?
POLICE OPERATOR
Excuse me?
NEEDLES
(low, teasing) Lambeth, then, and I am sure I could recognize your voice now.
[Beat.]
Ah, there it is. There’s the fear. Not much, just a little prick, but we found it in the end, didn’t we?
POLICE OPERATOR
(voice cracking) I’m transferring you to my supervisor now.
NEEDLES
Then I’ll be going. I have no interest in speaking to them, and besides, we agreed that if you left the call my friend here would have a last little cuddle before I go.
I do hope we speak again soon, Mr. Operator. See if we can’t find some other frightful little pinpricks we can explore together…
[The call ends with a click.]
[We return to the OIAR computer recording]
[Sam lets out a noise of bemusement at the case]
SAM
Huh? Is that it?
GWEN
(was not listening) Is what it?
SAM
The case. It just kind of ends.
ALICE
(was also not listening) What sort was it?
SAM
Didn’t you hear it?
ALICE
I barely hear my own. You tune them out after a while.
SAM
(snorts) It was a pair of emergency services calls.
ALICE
Oh, yeah, you’re not getting any closure from those. You might be assigned the follow-up coroner’s report if something weird happens to the body, but that’s pretty rare. (amused) Why, were you enjoying it?
SAM
I wouldn’t exactly go that far.
ALICE
Well who knows, maybe you’ll get lucky and they’ll kill again. What was it?
SAM
Like… A guy made of needles, I think?
ALICE
Needles? Is that scary? I’ve been working here so long I can’t tell anymore.
GWEN
Maybe if you’re scared of needles?
SAM
To be fair, he did sound kind of… sensitive about that.
ALICE
Huh.
[Footsteps as LENA enters]
LENA
Good evening, everyone.
ALICE
Lena! Little bird told me the new hire was coming in today.
LENA
Please refrain from referring to me as a “little bird,” Alice.
ALICE
Big bird, then. So where’s the fresh meat?
LENA
She’s getting a cup of coffee from the break room. Her name is Celia, and I trust you will all make her feel welcome.
GWEN
We’ll certainly try.
[Footsteps as CELIA enters]
CELIA
(through a moutful of donut) Lena, these little donuts are amazing! Where do you get them?
LENA
Celia, these are your co-workers.
CELIA
Oh, god, of course, I’m sorry! (swallows) Hello everyone!
SAM
That’s alright, we’re a bit of a letdown after mini-donuts.
ALICE
Lena likes to put them out when someone new joins our little family.
LENA
Just ensure you eat them on site. Now I’ll leave you all to get acquainted, I have some intake paperwork to finish. Alice, I’ll have a word with you about training later tonight. Celia, come by my office once you’re done here, we have some last papers to sign.
CELIA
Will do.
[Footsteps as LENA departs.]
CELIA
So, yeah! Never worked somewhere with mini-donuts before!
ALICE
I wouldn’t get too excited. They’re probably still left over from when Sam joined us.
SAM
Well, I liked them just fine.
CELIA
You’re Sam, then?
SAM
Yup. Only just joined myself.
CELIA
Awesome! Actually, can I ask you a question? Your interview…
SAM
Oh my god, yeah, suuuuper weird, right?
CELIA
Thank you! I was sat there like “whaaaaaaat?”
ALICE
You should both be proud. Lena only tries to talk you out of it if she thinks you’re worth talking to in the first place.
CELIA
Yeah? It’s been a while since I had an interview, but that was…
[She exhales]
ALICE
Yeah, she used to have a real problem with turnover, people would take the job and bail after a couple of weeks, so she changed up her interview style to make sure she only got people who were…
SAM
Suitable!
ALICE
Desperate.
CELIA
(cheerful) And I’m both, the system works! Also, I don’t know if I caught your name.
ALICE
Alice. I’m the longest inmate down here, so let me know if you have any questions: where are the toilets? Do they have any sharper knives? How do I make the nightmares stop?
[Celia snickers]
ALICE
Anything at all. And that chatterbox over in the corner is Gwen.
GWEN
Sorry, Celia, was it? It’s lovely to meet you, I hope you have a good time here. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a lot of work to do.
[She returns to her typing.]
CELIA
(unperturbed) Sure, no worries. I’ll be honest, I thought there’d be more people working here, given the size of the building?
SAM
Yeah, no, we’re, um…
ALICE
Streamlined?
SAM
Streamlined! Sure. Oh, there is an IT guy as well, though you might want to steer clear of him… until you’ve got your bearings a bit.
[Alice chuckles slightly to herself at the memory of pranking Sam.]
SAM
But mostly it’s just us.
CELIA
Four weirdos in a basement reading scary stories. Dream job.
[Sam laughs]
ALICE
If you say so.
SAM
Fair warning, some of these cases are… They’re not fun to read.
CELIA
I appreciate the concern, but I’m sure they’ll be alright. I don’t scare so easy these days.
ALICE
Yeah, you got that hardened killer look in your eyes.
CELIA
Damn, and here I thought I’d hidden it behind a sweet and bubbly demeanor!
[Sam laughs]
CELIA
Anyway, I’d better go check in with Lena. Lovely to meet you all!
SAM
(calling) Lovely to meet you too!
[Footsteps as Celia leaves]
SAM
(excited) She seems nice!
ALICE
(thinking) Yeah…
GWEN
Don’t get attached.
ALICE
Wouldn’t dream of it.
[We are now listening through the echoey CCTV of the breakroom]
[Coffee machine whirs; Sam sighs to himself]
[Footsteps as Alice enters with Celia]
ALICE
And here we reach the highlight of our tour. The breakroom!
CELIA
Mmmm! It’s – quite a sight.
ALICE
While I understand you’re awed by its magnificence, I must warn you that flash photography can spook the local wildlife.
SAM
(snorts) The “local wildlife” is just getting another coffee, if you want in?
ALICE
(pointed) Against my warnings.
SAM
It’s fine. I’m fine. I’m still adjusting to the nights, that’s all.
CELIA
Ah. I can’t say I’m looking forward to that aspect of the job either.
SAM
Has Alice tried to sell you her secondhand curtains yet?
ALICE
Alice had not yet gotten to the advice section of the tour, but it was next on the agenda.
SAM
You sure I can’t get you anything, Celia? Tea, maybe? I think there’s some ancient hot chocolate hidden behind Alice’s “secret” biscuit stash.
ALICE
(gasp) I knew it was you, you little thief!
CELIA
Thanks, but I’m alright for now, Sam, honestly. I might take you up on it later?
SAM
Sure thing.
CELIA
Am I good to head back, Alice? Colin said he’d have my workstation set up by now.
ALICE
Go for it. I’ll be over in a bit to take you through your first cases.
CELIA
Perfect. (calling) See ya, Sam!
[Footsteps as Celia leaves]
[Beat]
[Alice exhales:]
ALICE
Wow.
SAM
What?
ALICE
Wow.
SAM
What are you going on about now?
ALICE
(grinning) You have got it bad, son!
SAM
Oh for god’s sake, Alice.
ALICE
“I think there’s some old hot chocolate”? Why don’t you just get her name tattooed on your arse while you’re at it?
SAM
You’re being ridiculous –
ALICE
“Would you like tea, Celia? Coffee, perchance? My heart carved from my chest and arranged on a little doily?”
SAM
(quietly) What?
ALICE
“Please, Celia, cut out my tongue so I can always be there to lick your stamps for you!”
SAM
(amused) Okay, firstly, this place is making you really morbid. Secondly, if you knew anything about stamps you’d know that modern prints are self-adhesive so actually –
ALICE
Also, how do you know where I hide my biscuits.
SAM
It’s literally the same place you did when we were students – back of the top shelf in the upper leftmost cabinet. Where you think people won’t be tall enough to see them.
ALICE
…Touché. But you should be very careful about sharing such knowledge. Choco Leibniz are simply too powerful for the common palate.
SAM
If you say so. Anyway, I need to get back to –
ALICE
Staring into the eyes of your beloved?
[Beat]
SAM
I’d have an incredibly witty retort for that if I wasn’t so completely shattered.
ALICE
Awwww! I know, sweetums. I know.
[Music]
ANNOUNCER
The Magnus Protocol is a podcast distributed by Rusty Quill and licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution Non-Commercial Sharealike 4.0 International License. The series is created by Jonathan Sims and Alexander J Newall, and directed by Alexander J Newall.
This episode was written by Jonathan Sims and edited with additional materials by Alexander J Newall, with vocal edits by Lowri Ann Davis, soundscaping by Tessa Vroom, and masting by Catherine Rinella with music by Sam Jones.
It featured Billie Hindle as Alice Dyer, Shahan Hamza as Samama Khalid, Anusia Battersby as Gwen Bouchard, Lowri Ann Davies as Celia Ripley, Sarah Lambie as Lena Kelley.
The Magnus Protocol is produced by April Sumner, with executive producers Alexander J Newall, Dani McDonough, Linn Ci, and Samantha F.G. Hamilton, and Associate Producers Jordan L. Hawk, Taylor Michaels, Nicole Perlman, Cetius d’Raven, and Megan Nice.
To subscribe, view associated materials, or join our Patreon, visit rustyquill.com. Rate and review us online, tweet us @therustyquill, visit us on facebook or email us at mail@rustyquill.com. Thanks for listening.