[Rich piano music, like the type you might hear as the opening to an extremely cheesy Austen adaptation.]
ALEX
Hi, everyone. Alex here: part-time nightmare merchant, full-time sweetheart.
I’m here to talk to you about hope, joy, and other fluffy human feelings I’ve been made aware of recently.
Life is hard; we get it. The world is a scary place at the moment, and it can sometimes feel- cruel. Dark. And willfully manipulated by inhuman monsters who don’t have your best interests at heart.
Well, we here at Rusty Towers do have your best interests at heart, and we wanted to do something nice for all of you who are feeling- a bit overwhelmed. A bit peaky. A bit- so-so.
That’s why we ran the Magnus Archives Fluff Competition: a chance for fans to write their own Magnus Archives content, horror-free and full of love.
So curl up under a blanket with the warm liquid beverage of your choice, close your eyes, and enjoy the first of the winning entries:
“Epiphany,” by Jack Beckwith.
[INT. MAGNUS INSTITUTE, ARCHIVES, DOCUMENT STORAGE]
[TAPE CLICKS ON.]
MARTIN
“Epiphany.” By M. K. Blackwood.
[He clicks on another tape recorder.]
[Note: Every time Martin records part of his poem, a light piano piece begins to play.]
MARTIN
(reading)
I was not
expecting this.
This was so much more.
You have stayed
the hungry hunters,
You have locked
Death’s door.
For all your
skulkling,
slinking,
sneering,
For all I was
fearing;
I was not expecting this:
For you to
step into the light
and reveal yourself.
I see you;
I see the lamb
you hide under
the wolf’s skin.
I was –
[The door opens; Martin yelps.]
[We hear footsteps as someone walks in.]
TIM
(cheery) Martin!
[Martin is still busy being startled.]
TIM
What are you up to?
MARTIN
(obviously I have nothing to hide) Ha-ha! Hmm! Nothing; nothing– Notes! (nervous laugh) I, w– notes! Yes.
TIM
Hm.
MARTIN
(overlapping) I was– taking notes–
[The poem’s paper(s) crinkle.]
MARTIN
I have g– (nervous laugh) Can I– help you?
TIM
Oh! Uh, I thought I’d see how quarantine sleepaway camp is treating you.
MARTIN
(surprised, pleased) Oh!
TIM
Brought down a– change of sheets for your cot; uh, thought you might need it.
MARTIN
(same tone) Oh, that’s– Thanks, Tim; that’s– that’s really kind!
TIM
Anything… on your mind?
MARTIN
Oh – (heh) Plenty! Homesick, mortal terror –
[Tim hums in agreement.]
MARTIN
– you know, the usual.
[Tim hums again, and continues to do so at the appropriate intervals as Martin continues:]
MARTIN
I was, I was actually thinking of trying to go see my mum, but, well, the – (inhale) – the worms, and, you know, plus sometimes she can be –
[Martin makes the sort of frustrated sound – and this is very specific – that you make when giving an accurate description of the person/situation you’ve just mentioned would be too mean or rude for you to disclose to the present company, but to say anything kinder would be a lie.]
[Meanwhile, Tim’s hms are becoming less well-timed and more pointed.]
TIM
(cutting him off) Yeah, that’s great – Anything else?
MARTIN
(sorta stunned) What?
TIM
Oh, come off it, Martin; I saw you in the break room the other day.
MARTIN
…How do you mean?
TIM
Sasha and I were hosing down some of our little visitors with a friendly CO2 bath, and you could hardly be bothered by any of it. You were just – there, staring wistfully off into space, running your finger around the rim of your mug!
MARTIN
I – was. Distracted.
TIM
You like someone.
[The response is immediate:]
MARTIN
Wha – (loud scoff) Wh– Well – That’s – I mean –
TIM
Mm.
MARTIN
(slight nervous laugh) I could hardly –
TIM
Mhm.
MARTIN
I, I really don’t –
TIM
Called it! Sasha owes me a fiver.
[This against Martin continuing to sputter in the background, eventually giving up and sighing.]
TIM
So – (lowers his voice for secrets) Who is it?
MARTIN
(fast) I don’t have to tell you anything!
TIM
Is it Rosie? I know you’ve been talking about her a lot lately.
MARTIN
(still fast) Is, is, is this an interrogation now?
TIM
So it is Rosie!
MARTIN
(sputtering) That makes no – (more sputtering) It’s not – it’s not Rosie; Tim, listen –
TIM
(overlapping, dramatic) Alllllright; alright; we’re getting somewhere.
Oh. Oh! It’s not David, is it?
MARTIN
(soft) What?
[There is a not small amount of what on Earth made you think that? to his tone.]
TIM
Oh, Martin; you can do better – I mean, did you see what he was wearing? –
MARTIN
(overlapping) Tha– It, it – It’s not David. And I don’t want to do this! Okay?
Now, if you’d could just please let me get back to th–
TIM
(steamrolling) I mean, Hannah’s married –
[Martin sighs.]
TIM
That doesn’t necessarily mean that it’s not her.
[In the background under him, Martin is continuing to sigh and gripe, ending in:]
MARTIN
No, no! No.
TIM
…Or wait. Are you being so dodgy about this because it’s one of us?
[Brief pause; enough for Tim to take whatever Martin’s expression is as confirmation. He breaks out into a laugh- part disbelieving, part triumphant. Martin sighs.]
TIM
Is it Sasha? Is it?
MARTIN
(sighing) Tim, I’m literally begging you.
[Brief pause.]
TIM
Alright, fine, fine. Have it your way. Keep your precious secrets. But – between you and me, can I at least offer you a little advice?
MARTIN
I – get the feeling you’re going to anyway.
TIM
Look. Nobody’s gonna notice you if you don’t notice yourself first.
[Pause.]
MARTIN
What?
TIM
Okay, look, that came out wrong; look –
What I mean is: Take care of yourself. Because I know you, Martin. You will give yourself away until there’s nothing left of you to love.
[Brief pause.]
MARTIN
That’s not fair.
TIM
Oh, it’s true. And you know it.
MARTIN
…Maybe.
TIM
Look, I’m telling you this as a friend. Just – think about it, okay? Whoever this is, they’ll see – (slight sigh) They’ll see how great you are not because of what you have to give away, but because of where you stand firm.
And after all of – well, whatever the hell’s been happening here – you deserve something for yourself.
MARTIN
(softer) Hey, that – (inhale) That really means a lot. (exhale) Thanks. I – I will think about it.
[He gives a slight laugh.]
TIM
Good.
Alright, well, I’m going to head out. I’ve got some books to take back to the library.
MARTIN
Take care of yourself too.
TIM
Always do!
[He gives a little pew-pew sound – presumably accompanied by finger guns, though we’ll never really know.]
[The door closes behind him as he leaves.]
[Martin flips back to his poem, clicks on the secondary tape recorder again.]
MARTIN
Right, where – where was I? Uh, yeah, yeah, okay. (deep inhale)
I was not expecting this:
For the sharp pain of jaws to give way
to y–
[He cuts off again as the door opens again.]
MARTIN
G- Oh my god, Tim; normal people knock!
TIM
(overlapping) Sorry!
MARTIN
Normal people knock!
TIM
Sorry!
Hey. (audible grin) It’s not me, is it?
MARTIN
(exhale) Would you stop!
TIM
Because if it is, you know –
Dance card’s open.
MARTIN
Just go away; just go away, Tim.
TIM
Just putting it out there! Alright, alright.
[The door closes behind him as he leaves again.]
MARTIN
(heavy exhale) Okay!
[The paper(s) crinkle again as he prepares to start reading again. He exhales one more time in a little phew.]
MARTIN
You cannot hide from me
any longer, (getting emotional) but I will try to hide from y–
[A quiet knock-knock on the door.]
MARTIN
(riled up, assuming Tim) Oh, what? What? (paper crinkles) What? (through gritted teeth) What.
[The door opens.]
ARCHIVIST
What are you so irritable about?
MARTIN
(oh) Oh.
[He hehs. The door closes behind the Archivist.]
MARTIN
(finding words) Just been having a bit of a time.
ARCHIVIST
Mm, haven’t we all? (inhale) What did Tim want; he was grinning.
MARTIN
T-Tim? Oh, um – we were – (inhale) – comparing notes on the Hither-Green case.
ARCHIVIST
Oh. I see. Did you get anywhere?
MARTIN
Maybe? Too soon to tell.
ARCHIVIST
Alright, well, keep me updated. Uh, I also wanted you to try and track down a Mr. Marcus McKenzie. His father gave a statement in 2003; I’m trying to follow up. Bit worried about this one.
[He sighs.]
MARTIN
What, you? (slight laugh) The – The father of all skepticism, worried?
[He gives another little heh.]
ARCHIVIST
Just because I don’t think it happened doesn’t mean I can’t be worried.
MARTIN
Hm.
ARCHIVIST
Are you alright?
MARTIN
What?
ARCHIVIST
Down here, I mean. (inhale) Uh – After everything, but out of house and home; it’s not exactly five-star accommodations.
MARTIN
Oh, heh. You don’t need to worry about me.
ARCHIVIST
I believe I’ve made my case for being entitled to worry, Martin.
MARTIN
Of course. (long inhale) Well – (exhale) Really; I’m, I’m fine.
ARCHIVIST
Alright. Well, in that case – (soft exhale as he pauses)
(stricter) Get back to work. Just because you’re living here doesn’t mean it’s not still a place of business.
[He opens the door and lets himself out.]
MARTIN
(after him) You’re not fooling me. (notices the tape running) Oh!