[INTRO THEME]
ALEX
Hello and welcome to episode 4 of the Rusty Quill Gaming podcast. I’m your host and GM Alex Newall, and with me as always, I have:
LYDIA
Lydia Nicholas.
BEN
Ben Meredith.
BRYN
Bryn Monroe.
JAMES
James Ross.
ALEX
And we’re coming to you from London, England! Running around the table quickly, what characters are we playing?
JAMES
I am Sir Bertrand “Bertie” MacGuffingham, a posh idiot who hits things with sticks in a flashy way.
ALEX
Mhm.
BRYN
I am playing Hamid the halfling sorcerer, who is currently slightly singed.
[CHUCKLES]
BEN
I am playing Zolf Smith, a dwarven cleric who is currently bemoaning only having one leg.
[ALEX SNICKERS]
LYDIA
I am playing Sasha Racket, who is really not getting any use out of her antique appraisal skills.
[UPROAR OF LAUGHTER]
Really irrelevant!
ALEX
And so recapping last week, we left them basically getting caught up in some kind of heist, with Edison’s Simulacrum at his London house. There are craters everywhere, bodies, fire, blood, eek! And the last thing that happened was Sasha basically swung and missed with her dagger.
LYDIA
Well, I threw.
ALEX
(simultaneously) Well, she threw. Threw and missed. So don’t forget to remove it from your inventory unless you…
LYDIA
Five… Give us… we’ve only got one pencil.
[CLINK OF PENCIL]
So that will be the running theme.
ALEX
It’s encouraging teamwork! (laughs to himself) Okay, so Hamid, you’re looking singed. You’re looking annoyed.
BRYN
I cast a second Magic Missile. The beautiful thing about Magic Missile, is it hits automatically! My favourite thing about the spell…
ALEX
Yeah, Magic Missile’s kind of, it’s the staple for all of the mages.
[DICE ROLLS]
[QUIET CHEERING FROM BEN & LYDIA]
BRYN
Five damage!
ALEX
There you go, nice!
BRYN
I rolled a 4!
ALEX
Now you’re actually helping!
LYDIA
Something Bertie would do if he sneezed.
[JAMES SNICKERS]
ALEX
Okay.
[BEAT AS ALEX TAKES A NOTE]
Cool! Yeah, he takes it on the shoulder.
LYDIA
“Ow.”
BRYN
You mean in the face.
ALEX
(playful-exasperated) Alright then, in the face.
[BRYN CHUCKLES EVILLY]
Okay. He then, in response…
BRYN
Two people attacking him now.
[ALEX.EXE WORKS FOR A BIT]
ALEX
…Draws as part of a move action. Five. Actually.
No, he wouldn’t do that, that would be foolish.
[LYDIA SNORTS]
He is going to…
[ALEX.EXE CONTINUES FOR A BIT]
LYDIA
Dun dun dun!
ALEX
(joining in) Dun dun dun!
BEN
Jump down the hole!
ALEX
He is going to back up because he can still do a thrown attack. 5, 10, 15. I’ll give him an Acrobatic roll to try and get up onto the stage…
[DICE ROLLS]
…which… he… makes.
LYDIA
Hurray!
ALEX
(whisper) It’s a bad one.
LYDIA
Awww.
But I still –
JAMES(?)
Pleased for him!
LYDIA
But an acrobatics achievement like done well…
BRYN(?)
You’re generally in favour of acrobatics.
LYDIA
I’m always in favour of those. I’m like, “well done!”
ALEX
Okay, so…
JAMES
He has just run into like good range of your throwing knife, hasn’t he.
LYDIA
I don’t like being in range…
BRYN
Stabbing –
ALEX
See, the problem is – Bryn, here’s a question I don’t know, you might know the answer to.
If someone was intending to draw as part of their move action, and also do an Acrobatics roll as part of their action…
BRYN
They should take a penalty on the roll, I believe…
ALEX
Yeah, I believe that too.
BRYN
I don’t know if that would even be covered in the rules.
ALEX
I think it’s kind of a vague one. He rolled quite high, though. So I’m going to let him get away with it. He’s drawn another flask.
LYDIA
B – What on earth!
ALEX
I know, right.
LYDIA
Who has so many flasks!
ALEX
It’s almost like it’s their deal.
JAMES
John Thermos.
[LAUGHTER]
ALEX
And then he hoofs it straight at Sasha…
LYDIA
No!
ALEX
Because (as Lydia makes more horrified noises) she’s near and can take it in the face with a big ol flask of oil.
[DICE ROLLS]
And misses!
LYDIA
Yay!
ALEX
Spectacularly! He basically…he gets that Magic Missile and goes, “eh, probably more trouble than it’s worth.” Backs up, leaps up onto the stage, drawing his flask. He then clocks Sasha, kind of gauges the angles, throws it. Obviously, Sasha, she knows what she’s doin’ –
LYDIA
Dodges!
ALEX
Very easily dodges out of the way. (makes flask throwing sound) Straight across and it basically smashes on the floor, near but not on Bertie.
Okay!
As a result, Bertie, you’re up.
JAMES
Okay, uh… do I have any other options apart from just hitting the guy with a – ?
ALEX
There are always options.
JAMES
Okay. Um…
ALEX
Fleeing!
[SNICKERS]
Fleeing is an option.
JAMES
Nah, I won’t bother with that. Is there anything, like, fancy that I can do, with anything that I’ve got nearby?
ALEX
Well, what…okay, so what kind of thing are you thinking?
JAMES
Um… I’m wondering if there’s anything I can do to maybe, like, manoeuvre that chap so that he’s near the stage, or maybe manoeuvre him near the hole?
ALEX
He’s backed up against the stage below the piano currently. If you want to manoeuvre him you can enter into a grapple, which is basically grabbing him. I strongly advise against it for two reasons: the first is whilst you would succeed, it’s incredibly faffy?
BEN
(slightly singsong) There’s a flow chart!
JAMES(?)
Yuck!
ALEX
It’s incredibly faffy and also ineffective. So it’s very good for basically holding someone while someone else whales on them, if they are ready for it. But to actually move people around, eh… it’s not great.
The other option is incredibly complicated mechanically, like Ben’s saying, so I tend to avoid it where possible. Unless it’s like totally a thing that you should be doing, I’ll try to deter you.
JAMES
Yep. I’m just going to hit him with my big sword, I think.
BEN
So if you want to knock him you can bullrush.
JAMES
Ooh!
ALEX
Bullrush is where – basically, you use your combat manoeuvre bonus with an attack to push that person backwards, and basically move them. What you wouldn’t be able to do is bullrush someone towards you. So if you’re trying to get them into a hole, which is off to your side…
BRYN
Just a way of pushing them backwards, which is not –
ALEX
It’s a good way to, like, if you’re fighting on a clifftop and they’re right up against you, you know, “Urgh!” Shove them off. But you couldn’t move them.
JAMES
Can I bullrush this chap against the back of the stage and, like, knock him against the wall?
ALEX
Yes. Mechanically, it kind of comes down to me to just say “yea” or “nay” whether he takes damage for it, but he would be taking less damage than you just hitting him with a sword.
LYDIA
And the stage is only five foot high.
JAMES
Okay.
ALEX
So it would be kind of against his lower back, it wouldn’t be, like, pinning.
JAMES
Lower back? How tall is this guy?!
ALEX
Incredibly tall, I just realised! I’m not good at distances.
JAMES
Alright, fine.
ALEX
Not good at distances.
JAMES
I’ll hit him with my big sword then.
ALEX
I know it sounds a bit boring…
JAMES
No, that’s fine. I’m sure it –
ALEX
Sometimes you just have to hit the thing.
JAMES
I’m sure it’ll get – I’ll find other ways… More interesting ways of hitting him with my big sword later.
BEN
Also if it was on his lower back he could just push it until it breaks his back. He’s a man in plate armour with a big shield. That’s quite heavy!
ALEX
For all you know it’s a monster with a back made of…
BEN
“It’s me, Metal Spine!”
[UPROAR OF LAUGHTER]
JAMES
I’m going to hit him with my big sword.
ALEX
Do it.
[DICE ROLLS]
Eighteen. What’s the crit range on a bastard sword?
JAMES
Um… Nineteen or twenty.
ALEX
Ahhh, shame! So you don’t get a critical but you definitely hit.
JAMES
Okay.
ALEX
So you will be rolling the damage for the sword which is?
JAMES
D10 + 3.
ALEX
Okay. Is that +3 your Strength, presumably?
JAMES
Er, yes.
ALEX
Yeah. Okay, so basically roll a D10 whatever you get plus a flat 3 for your strength bonus.
[DICE ROLLS]
JAMES
Three.
ALEX
So that’s 6 total. Okay.
[BEAT]
Yeah, he basically doesn’t manage to get his sword up in time, and whilst you don’t, like, lop an arm off or anything, you make a good strong connection on his offhand. A lot of blood starts flowing. He is clearly, um… not wearing any armour or anything like that. They’re very much strictly offensive, and don’t really seem to be planning on being here very long.
[LYDIA MAKES A CURIOUS SOUND]
Okay. Something happens that you guys aren’t aware of.
LYDIA
Ooh.
ALEX
The guy facing off against Bertie will take a five foot step back.
JAMES
Do I get to…
ALEX
It’s a five foot step. So what that means is he’s trading his entire move action to move one square but not provoke the attack. So you would be right in that if he was trying to move, he would basically take a hit, but he is trading a whole move action just to get out of range of you, and then is now going to do another move action.
So he will go 5, 10. So he’s backing up towards the back of the room. He will then do an Acrobatics check to get up onto the stage.
[DICE ROLLS]
He’ll make it.
LYDIA
(quiet) Oh no!
ALEX
And he’ll get there too, and as he was doing so because he rolled very high, he successfully managed to draw a flask of oil. So you now have two people flanking the hole on either side…
LYDIA
Squishy rogue!
ALEX
…both wielding flasks.
Well, no, actually the one that threw one at you obviously still needs to draw again. So! Zolf, you are up.
BEN
Uh… Hold my action until I see something.
ALEX
Mhm. It might be worth pointing out, actually, you’re floating this thing. The thing that you…
BEN
Oh, yes, ‘course.
ALEX
I realised after the last episode.
BEN
I read the rules, and…
[DRAMATIC GASPS, LAUGHTER]
ALEX
(dramatic) Ohhh, it’s a foolish idea!
BEN
Yeah, so I realised that the disk is three foot, but it can still be used as a stepping stone. It just can’t hold…
ALEX
Like, multiple people.
BEN
Yeah. It also only floats three foot above the ground or water. And as…
ALEX
So what I basically was thinking is – honestly I liked it as a solution and I’m quite happy to fudge it a little bit. So what we’ll say is that there are sufficient amounts of floorboards and stuff poking out,
LYDIA
Aha.
ALEX
That it’s too weak for someone to stand on, but it’s enough that mechanically they could get on. The problem that you’re going to have is that you’re not just going to be able to ferry him across. You’d have to sort of go around the edge of the crater with it rather than sort of going over the…
BEN
Well, what I’m…
LYDIA
Across that… smaller bit of the crater?
BEN
Could do. Could do. Probably should’ve done that.
But, uh… I can’t…effectively I can’t – is the entire crater, is that section the bits with the floorboards or is the entire crater like that?
ALEX
It’s just this bit I’ve allowed you to summon it on. You could go around the edge of it, because all of the edge is like that, but you couldn’t go across the…
BEN
That’s fine. It’s – what I’m going to do is put my good leg forward, and kind of just drop my shield. Just on the floor. And lean forward and basically… I’m not going to be able to move it without it falling down, so basically try and help them across. It’s now only a five foot jump.
ALEX
Yeah, so they should be able to make it.
BEN
Yeah, so they should be okay.
ALEX
Okay.
LYDIA
What about the unconscious one?
ALEX
Ooooh. We’ll see.
BEN
Hopefully they pass him to me and if not…
ALEX
So is your turn basically that you’re just reaching out and you’re…
BEN
Effectively kind of holding to do stuff to help them.
ALEX
Would you rather hold an action to insert, or…
BEN
Oh no.
ALEX
…would you rather ready an action?
BEN
Ready an action, yes. With the trigger of them coming across.
ALEX
I’m going to spell it out for listeners who may not be aware of it. There are two types of action which aren’t doing anything, but are preparing to. “Hold action” is where, in turn order, you forego your turn to insert it at a later event. So if, say, Bryn is doing something that takes a while, Zolf could hold off to wait until Bryn’s finished his thing before inserting his, that kind of thing. But – obviously you hold your action, but you can’t hold it and then stack a bunch of actions. So by the time it comes back round to you, if you’ve just not used your action, you’ve just skipped your go.
“Readied action” is one where you are using that action. It is used in this turn, but how it works is a set of predetermined, sort of, triggers –
BRYN
Conditions.
ALEX
Conditions! Yeah, good word – are set, and then when those conditions are met, your event activates no matter what’s happening. But the catch with it is, you have to be quite specific because if you say “I attack the next person that comes in the room” –
LYDIA
Mmm.
ALEX
The rule specifically says, “You are so keyed up and ready to attack someone that, let’s say, that your mate comes in the door.” “Hiya!” Ker-chew.
LYDIA
(in background) Noooo!
ALEX
So you have to… It’s not trying to penalise you, like, you know, the evil genie with his wish – “I wish to live forever,” he turns you into a turtle – but it is still… like, you have to be careful.
[JAMES STARTS SNICKERING]
JAMES
What? Immortal turt – okay, I. Yeah yeah yeah, fine.
ALEX
I’m not a genie! The flings of a celestial being are beyond my mere mortal capabilities to understand!
BRYN
Note to self, when I get to level 18 cast the spell “Wish.”
[LAUGHTER]
ALEX
Oh, I hate Wish! I hate Wish.
BEN
So I will ready an action to help the first three people across… the next people across this, er, thing.
ALEX
Okay. I’ll allow that, that’s fine.
In which case then, Sasha, you’re up.
LYDIA
I look down the hole. You said that there’s some stuff going on. Also, can you give me a bit more of a description of what’s going on on the stage? Because I’ll probably need to jump across and stab someone in the skull, you know.
[SOFT SNICKERS]
ALEX
Sure. So on the stage, the lectern that Edison was at, which is stage right – or the left from the audience – has been just blown away. It’s been blown off into the audience somewhere. The two, sort of, apparent “servants” are backed up right to where the curtain was at the back, each flanking a large hole in the middle of the stage. You are sort of towards the front of the stage facing them and looking down.
To the right is the piano, on a large section which appears quite weak. To the point where if you wanted to do anything clever with it, you could probably get that floor to cave in if you can get creative with it.
LYDIA
Right.
ALEX
Who knows what it would take with it, though. The servants – one of them is… already has a flask in hand. Another one seems to be reaching to draw one, and it’s very clear that they’re backing into that and just… they seem to be keeping… can you not give me a Sense Motive?
[DICE ROLLS]
LYDIA
That’s 13 plus…it’s 19.
ALEX
19, yeah. They’re definitely working to just keep people at bay. They’re not trying to eliminate every single person here, because everything that they’ve done, clearly – they’ve been going about it the wrong way, if that’s their job.
LYDIA
Apart from the massive bomb that killed the entire audience.
ALEX
Not all of them! Colgate and Byron, they’re kicking around!
LYDIA
Yeah! And five people in total out of…
ALEX
That’s a Saturday morning cartoon I want to see, Colgate and Byron.
[LAUGHTER]
JAMES
Colgate and Byron! I smell a sitcom!
ALEX
No you don’t, it’s Colgate.
JAMES
Ahhh.
LYDIA
(singsong) Minty. Minty fresh sitcom!
JAMES
Colgate and Byron. One of them likes toothpaste. The other likes keeping geese on his person!
[UPROAR OF LAUGHTER]
LYDIA
A bear with shiny, shiny…
ALEX
It’s a very niche programme.
So yeah, looking down into the hole, you are again looking down into that wine cellar. But the thing that you’re seeing is, you’re looking against the back wall of that wine cellar.
LYDIA
So the back wall is like the –
ALEX
Yeah, so, it’s the back wall of the music room is in line with the back wall of the cellar. There are huge, massive casks against the back – you know, for the pouring of the larger wines rather than someone, like…
LYDIA
Large!
ALEX
Byron’s favourites!
[LYDIA LAUGHS]
One of those casks is just blown away –
LYDIA
Oh no!
ALEX
And exposing a, a gaping hole in the back of the wall which is leading basically into darkness.
LYDIA
My least favorite holes!
ALEX
There’s a lot of wine across the floor and you see that… yeah, basically, it looks very much like that’s where they are going through, but not where they came in, because obviously the servants were already kicking around.
LYDIA
Yeeees. Yeeees. And there’s no sign of Mr Shiny Face?
ALEX
– Uh, Mr Shiny Face is not there.
LYDIA
Okay, well, um… and these guys, if they wanted to stop me coming through, they’re not going to stop me jumping down into the hole?
ALEX
No, no. What they could do is, if you get down there and let’s say that you fluff an Acrobatics roll,
LYDIA
(snickering) Right, they could drop fire on me.
ALEX
They would literally just drop fire on your head, so you’ve got to factor that in, but currently they are not in attacking distance of you.
LYDIA
Right, okay. So for someone with a pretty high Acrobatics skill and decent Dex, what is the likelihood of being able to jump across a hole like that?
ALEX
So you want to jump –
LYDIA
That’s a 20 foot jump. And I am 5 foot tall.
ALEX
So where are you trying to jump to?
LYDIA
Just to jump to get behind people.
JAMES
Isn’t that only a 10 foot jump?
BRYN
That would be a –
JAMES
15, sorry.
BRYN
Yeah.
ALEX
It’s a 15 foot jump. And a 15 foot jump from standing, I can get the DCs for – it’s going to be… doable! But not… advised.
LYDIA
It doesn’t really help either, does it? Because everyone is facing in all directions.
ALEX
Yeah.
LYDIA
The thing that we don’t like to mention in Pathfinder is that we have eyes all around our heads.
ALEX
They’re all horrible Lovecraftian abominations!
LYDIA
Eyes just go all the way around. Aaaaagh!
ALEX
So when it comes to a rogue, it’s either catching people that don’t know you’re there, or it’s getting people who are already involved in a fight and can’t pay attention. One of the sneaky things that you can do is deliberately hide in the middle of combat?
[LYDIA LAUGHS]
And then… but it’s a bit of a time investment, because you’re basically going to spend a turn to hide, hope that it works, and then use the next turn to get out from your hiding place. So it only really works if you’re against – say an archer, that’s a great tactic. With these guys, where they can swap to melee and just go “there you are,” shank.
LYDIA
So I can’t do a Skyrim and just crouch and immediately everyone’s like, “she’s gone!”
[LAUGHTER]
ALEX
“Wait! H – where is she?!”
BEN
“Must’ve been the wind!”
ALEX
And I haven’t mentioned, the servants are all wearing pots on their heads so that should…
[MORE LAUGHTER]
LYDIA
Erm… oh God, I mean – so there is no effective option here for a flanker person.
ALEX
I’m going to be a horrible GM and go “move, move, move,” it’s combat. You don’t get the time to consider –
LYDIA
Okay!
[ALEX LAUGHS]
Well, but I wanted to look down… okay I’m just going to… I’m going to go ba… (frustrated exhale)
ALEX
If you jump down, you don’t need to make an Acrobatics check. It’s just a five foot drop so you can do that, straightforward. It’ll still take you…
LYDIA
Sod it, I’m going to move up and stab him in the face.
ALEX
Your Dex is pretty high. Like, you should be able to at least go toe-to-toe for a little bit.
LYDIA
Yeah, so, do I have time to stab him with my two weapons?
ALEX
Um, you’ve moved first, so no. But if you are – next turn, if he doesn’t move and you don’t move, yes.
LYDIA
I only get to stab him with one weapon.
BEN
Also, um… to be pedantic in a way that doesn’t actually affect what you did, you did throw one of your weapons, so that move should’ve been a move-and-draw. Because you threw a knife, and you –
LYDIA
Oh, right, yeah – no, but they’re already in my hands.
BEN
Only two of them though.
ALEX
But you…
LYDIA
Oh, but I threw one so one of the other…
ALEX
And then you’re drawing another one out. That’s fine. But like he says, it doesn’t affect anything you did.
LYDIA
I will have one in my hand. Because I have two… I threw one and…
ALEX
Yeah, so she can still do a single attack.
BEN
Yeah, yeah, but what I mean is – what I mean is, if you want to do a two weapon attack next turn,
LYDIA
Right! Yes. Next turn.
BEN
You have to draw it so if you move and draw your second one and attack with one this turn, you’ve kind of preloaded –
LYDIA
True dat! I’ve got one out right now though.
ALEX
Sure. I’d advise you… doing what he said about drawing it because if you try to draw a weapon facing them, you get the attack of opportunity. So for instance, he now isn’t holding a weapon.
LYDIA
Right, yeah.
ALEX
So if he tries to, you get all of your… attack of opportunity, which is quite cool.
LYDIA
Are you saying that I get to stab him now or not – can I stab him?
ALEX
Yes. You can stab him once now,
LYDIA
Yes.
ALEX
and if he tries to take any weapons out to fight you, you get to stab him again.
LYDIA
I can stab him again. (louder) Okay, cool! Can I stab him? I want to stab him!
[LAUGHTER]
Please!
ALEX
Stab him.
[DICE ROLLS]
LYDIA
Aw, six.
ALEX
You may still – what’s your attack bonus with the dagger?
LYDIA
A one.
BEN
Bearing in mind you’re not attacking with two, so do the penalties apply?
LYDIA
No, they don’t.
ALEX
It doesn’t… you are taking a feat to mediate the penalties, rather than give you bonuses to cancel one out. So it’s not like if you swapped to one, suddenly a two handed fighter is amazing with one.
LYDIA
Yeah, it’s just that usually, because my attack bonus is one and then usually when I’m attacking with a two, I take a -1.
BEN
Ahhh, okay.
ALEX
And it just gets…
LYDIA
A lot of the time I was….
ALEX
Honestly if she was solo it wouldn’t be a factor anyway.
BEN
What I mean is if you’re attacking with one weapon, right, if…
BRYN
If she’s only holding one.
BEN
Oh if you’re holding another.
BRYN
I think is the ruling… then again I might be wrong.
BEN
You can hold a shield and…
[CONFUSED CROSSTALK]
LYDIA
Right now I’m only holding…
ALEX
Forgive me, it’s – it’s – it’s a moot point because she didn’t roll high enough.
LYDIA
Yeah, and I’m just holding one dagger like a normal one, one-weapon lame-o, you know?
[OTHER PLAYERS SNICKERS]
Like you crap people with your one-weapons.
ALEX
Yeah, you can hold stuff in an offhand and you don’t take penalties. It’s when you start trying to attack with both.
BEN
Yeah, it would be a +4 then.
ALEX
Erm… It’s still not.
BEN
No, I know, but it’s just important to know.
ALEX
Oh, no, I get you, I understand. Why am I rolling?
[LAUGHTER]
I’m afraid you don’t get that but like I said, he tries to draw…
LYDIA
But I’m standing in the way so he can’t hit Hamid again, because I’m a frickin’ hero.
BRYN
Yaaaay!
BEN
And the Magic Missiles go “whooo!” Cause they’re magic.
ALEX
Oh yeah, Magic Missiles, they can’t affect you. Okay, which brings me to Hamid.
SASHA
(high-pitched) Showtime!
LYDIA
I howl.
ALEX
Showtime! (quieter) Shoooowtime!
BRYN
(clonking miniature) One, two, three, four, Magic Missile!
[ALEX MAKES MISSILE NOISES]
I don’t have to roll for it.
ALEX
So basically, try and make a point of describing what you’re doing for listeners. So you’ve gone around…
BRYN
So I’m moving around the crater. I’m casting a third Magic Missile at the guy who burned me, and the Magic Missile swerves unerringly around Sasha.
ALEX
“Unerringly,” good word.
BRYN
So to catch him totally by surprise.
[DICE ROLLS]
And I roll a 4 again and do another 5 damage!
ALEX
Oh that may, you know what…
BRYN
Teamwork!
LYDIA
Yeah, my standing in front of him, ineffectively waggling a knife!
BRYN
That 4 would never have been rolled if you hadn’t have been standing in front of him.
LYDIA
Yeah, you would’ve maybe tried to run away.
[CROSSTALK]
ALEX
Five, did you say?
BRYN
5 damage.
LYDIA
Well, he wouldn’t have rolled it if he ran away like a coward-y coward.
ALEX
He’s not down.
[BRYN GASPS]
LYDIA
Oh no!
BRYN
That’s absurd!
ALEX
I know, right?
BRYN
Even our biggest guy only has 13 hit points.
ALEX
(commiserating) I know. I know.
JAMES
Maybe these guys… are level 2.
LYDIA
(mock-offended) Those don’t exist. Don’t talk about mythic creatures with that power!
BRYN
The legendary level 3!
LYDIA
(terrified) Whoah!
BEN
We better be getting a lot of XP for his encounter.
ALEX
Okay, so heading into the next round… sorry, the basically, the next player, I should say.
The one who you just hit, who’s looking at Sasha holding a dagger, having been hit with – by a Magic Missile. He basically takes a look at the situation, takes a five foot step left…
LYDIA
(observational) Into a hole.
[ALEX CLONKS MINIATURE DRAMATICALLY]
Ahh!
ALEX
And takes that drop.
He then tries to mediate falling.
[DICE ROLLS]
Unsuccessfully.
LYDIA
Oh-ho-ho!
ALEX
He doesn’t break a leg or anything, but he’s still – like, that’s his turn, is that he’s landed. So he is currently – you can still see down – he jumps, he fell, and then he landed with a splash, awkwardly on a broken… on a barrel that was floating there and broke under him.
LYDIA
Okay, I’m just sketching out the lower – so this is the…is the hole roughly here?
ALEX
The hole is about 10 foot and, yeah, about there, so you might just want to scribble a…yeah.
JAMES
This is the lower floor that you’re drawing?
ALEX
Yeah, and there are caskets on either side that are 10 foot wide each.
[BEAT]
JAMES
Caskets? Casks.
ALEX
Casks, sorry.
JAMES
Spooky wine cellar!
ALEX
I’m sorry, I did forget to mention, there’s an enormous amount of vampires!
[LAUGHTER]
BEN
(singsong) Awkward!
ALEX
But most of those aren’t, like, whole. They’re kind of blasted and leaking and a bit mucked up.
[SNORTS FROM PLAYERS]
To spell out for the listeners, Lyd drew some lovely, lovely casks, and then just kind of squiggled on them with a finger to try and make them look a bit more messed up.
So yeah, he landed on one of those big jobs. Okay, Bertie, you’re up.
JAMES
Okay, I have an idea for a thing that I would like to do, that’s a bit showy. Um, I –
ALEX
Sounds very you!
JAMES
I know, I would like to put in the extra effort, if it’s possible. I want to know how rickety this bit of the stage is.
ALEX
Pretty rickety.
JAMES
Pretty rickety.
ALEX
Give me a Perception check.
LYDIA
(laughing) For Rickety Level.
[DICE ROLLS]
JAMES
Ten minus one is 9.
ALEX
(deep tough voice) You’ve hit things that are less rickety than that and they’ve broken!
BRYN
Like that table.
JAMES
Yeah, that’s true. (furious) My old nemesis the table!
ALEX
Still standing!
[JAMES ROARS IN RAGE]
LYDIA
But slightly askew.
ALEX
Little bit cockeyed.
[JAMES AND LYDIA SNICKER]
I have to do a recall at the end of the campaign just resulting in you looking at a table somehow. I have to have that.
JAMES
Ohhhh, never let it be said that Sir Bertram MacGuffingham does not leave his enemies slightly wonky!
[UPROAR OF LAUGHTER]
LYDIA
You have to tell the illustrator about that, right.
JAMES
What I would like to do is do a power attack on this bit of stage through – with the piano bit on it as well – knocking as much of that floor out as possible, and hopefully, tilting that guy so he falls down unexpectedly.
ALEX
Okay, so you’d basically – like a baseball swing, into the actual stage.
JAMES
Massive. Absolutely massive. All full-weight straight charge, straight into the base of the stage, hacking away at that, ideally through the piano as well if I can reach it.
[LYDIA CACKLES]
Just the maximum force possible in order to try and collapse the floor from underneath the chap who’s just on the other side of the piano. Cause I have a minus 8 Acrobatics, which means I’m just going to be jumping up impotently like a toddler at the edge of a playpen, in front of the stage.
LYDIA
In combat, is he allowed to do the takes 2 – like the Pomp and Pageantry things.
BRYN
Not without slowing himself down, so…
ALEX
So the thing is – the logic being is that you can’t apply to attack because you’re going, “I’m going to hit you, here it comes,” dink! And you didn’t put any force behind it. But he could, in combat, let’s say – I can’t think of any scenario that would require this. Let’s say he’s trying to open a lock, even with minus-a-million Armour check penalty. He could do that in combat. You can open locks in combat.
LYDIA
(singsong) “Look at this fluffy lock! Tada.”
ALEX
But instead of it taking him 50 rounds because he can’t do it anyway, it would take him 100 rounds.
JAMES
Ah, Mr Lock, my old nemesis!
BEN
“Have you met Mr Table?”
[LAUGHTER]
ALEX
Okay, but yeah…give me the example.
JAMES
I’m going…can I power attack that table?
ALEX
Yeah.
JAMES
Sorry, not the table, the piano –
BRYN
In general, the AC of unmoving objects is 5.
JAMES
Okay, so –
ALEX
Large wall size, you’re going to be alright. Roll it. Basically I’m trying to see if you fluff. If you don’t fluff it then you get the hit.
[DICE ROLLS]
JAMES
Two.
[LAUGHTER]
LYDIA
(laughing) Oh, no!
ALEX
What’s your attack bonus?
JAMES
My attack bonus… 4, for the bastard sword.
BRYN
Four, but if you’re activating power attack –
ALEX
Which you did!
BRYN
It drops by 1.
BEN
Which is 5!
JAMES
7 in total then.
BRYN
No.
JAMES
No? Because I rolled 2 on the dice.
BRYN
And then plus 4, minus 1.
JAMES
Oh, minus 1!
ALEX
So you’re 5 on the money. Basically you wind up, give it a massive (yelling) AAAAAARGH! (imitating swinging sound)
Don’t miss completely, but you did kind of do what you did with the table – is that you just misjudged where you were going to hit it, and you totally, like, lop off all the legs of the piano and it goes, (whipping sound) “boooong.”
[PLAYERS CACKLING]
And the floor cracks and creaks but doesn’t give way!
JAMES
Ugh!
ALEX
But you did just… you’d perfectly severed all of the limbs of the piano.
[LAUGHTER]
But didn’t actually manage to break them.
BERTIE
Not such a grand piano now, are we, ey!
ALEX
That’s in character, isn’t it!
BEN
Can it crack under the weight of that insult?
[MORE LAUGHTER]
ALEX
Okay, so keeping it moving, um…
Give me a Perception check, Sasha?
[LYDIA HUMS A FANFARE]
[DICE ROLLS]
LYDIA
Nineteen, plus… where is it…I think 6 was my Perception, yes, so 25.
ALEX
You hear further explosions down the tunnel, which are, you know, that it looks like they’re trying to head towards.
LYDIA
Oh, no. Okay. (quietly) Scary times!
ALEX
Yep. And to the guy who is on the far side of the piano… is holding a flask. He chucks it at Bertie.
[DICE ROLLS]
Ooh! That might… might not… no, no, no it won’t…
JAMES
I have an AC of 20 –
BRYN
It might count as a touch attack.
ALEX
It does not. Not what they’re using, basically.
BRYN
Okay.
ALEX
He launches it. It basically sails over, lands vaguely near Zolf, let’s say. Again doesn’t hit him, just sets some fire.
He then curses and then does the same thing, the five foot step to drop down.
[DICE ROLLS]
Also lands awkwardly on the other side. So exactly the same as the other one. He lands, he’s kind of on his back amongst broken barrels going, “Ow, God.”
And Zolf, you are up!
BEN
(clicks tongue) Diplomats should’ve moved already. Because I readied an action last move.
ALEX
Oh, so you did, so you did. I apologise. Yeah, I skipped that. That’s fine. What they will have done is (imitating lifting noises) – we’ll retroactively do this. They tried to chuck over the one who is injured.
LYDIA
Oh, God.
JAMES
Which one is injured?
LYDIA
That one.
BRYN
The one on its side.
JAMES
No, I mean, is it the Japanese diplomat or…
ALEX
Yes, it was the Japanese diplomat who appeared to be injured.
BEN
This is me holding out my hands ready to catch him!
ALEX
In fairness I should point out why, actually. The fire has basically moved into a square that they were previously occupying, because it’s closing in quite fast. Fire in Pathfinder is a bit of a weird one, it moves like one square radially, so you can have this thing where a fire can spread reeeeally quickly.
BEN
To massively shoot myself in the foot, (whispers) why isn’t it moving that way?
ALEX
Oh, it should be too. I apologise.
BEN
Yeup! That’s towards us. I probably can’t see… yeah. It’s going to be a problem soon!
LYDIA
Be careful about your feet. Is that you lost the other one?
BEN
It is a wooden foot, so I don’t want to catch fire.
LYDIA
No, no.
ALEX
Okay, can you give me a Reflex save, please.
BEN
Yes, a catchy, catchy save.
ALEX
He will be getting a bonus because you readied an action.
BEN
Cool. Ooh, my reflex bonus is 0.
[DICE ROLLS]
Eleven.
ALEX
Eleven? Okay. They basically… the fire’s coming in, they don’t have any other options. They chuck the injured one across, you reach out, successfully grab them, but they don’t come on to your side, they’re basically hanging over the gap.
BEN
Okay, um, cool.
ALEX
And that’s what’s been happening. It is your turn now.
BEN
Heeeeave! – The man.
ALEX
Yeah, give me a Strength check.
[DICE ROLLS]
LYDIA
(excited) Ooh!
BEN
Yes. 9.
ALEX
Nine, do you have any bonuses?
BEN
That is including my bonus. Unless it’s an Athletic… Athletics isn’t a thing in this system. Yes, 9.
ALEX
Athletics is 4, isn’t it…version 4? Yeah.
Basically… (straining pulling noise) Nope. No. You’re going to have to, uh…
BEN
While I’m doing that, just shout –
ZOLF
Jump across yourselves!
ALEX
Yup, yeah. So, their turn. First one.
I had to backtrack – so he’s sort of hanging, and the two…
LYDIA
Wasn’t he unconscious?
ALEX
Yeah, they…
LYDIA
Oh right, you’re holding him.
ALEX
They tossed him across. So he’s holding an unconscious body over a gap. And then the first of the other diplomats does the jump.
[DICE ROLLS]
BEN
(encouragingly) It’s only a five foot jump.
ALEX
Makes it.
[BEN & JAMES CHEER]
Just! They’re on shaky territory, but they still have their move action, so… so they go to there, because they don’t really know what they’re doing.
BEN
(laughing) Mill around, going “we’re not fighting.”
JAMES
“We’ll have a Ferrero Rocher.”
ALEX
The other one.
[DICE ROLLS]
The other one – leap! And fails it.
[GASPS FROM PLAYERS]
BEN
Wait, can I make a Reflex save to grab him with my other hand?
ALEX
Yes, you are in range. Bear in mind though that it’s going to make pulling him up harder, and you will be taking a penalty for the one you’re already holding.
BEN
That’s fine, that’s fine. I can hold onto them and wait for help.
ALEX
Give me a Reflex save.
[DICE ROLLS]
Because you did say you would reach out for all of them.
BEN
Depends on the bonuses, it might be a 10 DC… 8.
ALEX
Eight. No. Basically they…you see the French diplomat. Runs.
ALEX (DIPLOMAT)
No, no, no!
ALEX
You swing and miss, barely. You barely miss them. They drop, you see them drop about 20 feet, and there’s a splash. There’s that much fire and smoke, you can’t see what happened to them.
LYDIA
Noooo!
BEN
Awwww.
ALEX
It’s a very, sort of cliffhanger-esque –
ALEX & BEN
“Noooooooo!”
ALEX
Fwoop-splash. Too much noise, you don’t know. They could be alright! But probably not.
BEN
Well, balls.
ALEX
I’m assuming that wasn’t in character!
BEN
No! I use the accent if I’m in character.
ALEX
Okay! We’re going to take a break now and then we’ll get back to the action in a couple of minutes.
LYDIA
Cool!
[AD BREAK]
ALEX
And welcome back. So! We are now into the next turn. Hamid, you’re up.
[BRYN BREATHES IN, THEN OUT]
BRYN
I’m sort of…
[A VERY LONG BEAT]
ALEX
Yeeees?
BRYN
Part of me wants to help, but…
ALEX
(bursting into snickers) “Part of me wants to help…!”
BRYN
The thing is, I want to help the people that are still alive in this room but I have literally no way of doing that. I don’t have any way to deal with the fire…
JAMES
Have you got any way of suppressing that chap who’s fallen through. Can you…
BRYN
Can I take a quick glance down the crater to the….
ALEX
You are right at the edge, so you can look down.
BRYN
Yeah.
ALEX
It’s similar to Zolf’s end and it was a wine cellar, and there’s huge, like, dinks in the floor where wine is draining away. Clearly some massive explosives have gone off. You…it looks like it would be a bad idea dropping down at that particular point. That area up there, there’s a sort of… it’s raised up by rubble and so on, so they’ve kind of dropped down and then rolled across. So it’s not the sort of 30 foot, you’re looking at more like a 15 foot/10 foot drop. It’s doable.
For there, you’re looking at 30 foot. You could do it but in Pathfinder it’s like every five foot beyond a certain amount, like 20 or 10 or something, you’re looking at 1D6 damage. So full damage in Pathfinder works. Like (laughing a little) it’s a good way of getting rid of your problems.
BRYN
I am going to shout,
HAMID
One of them got away with something important!
[CLONKING OF MINIATURE]
ALEX
Okay, you’re going to do an Acrobatics check to get up the stage…
BRYN
Basically, like, double move to…
ALEX
Yeah, so let’s get an Acrobatics check to get you up the stage.
[DICE ROLLS]
BRYN
Fifteen plus four. 19.
ALEX
Yeah, you’re fine. You’re fine. You’re onto the stage and then you just drop down. So you do the Acrobatics check to mediate your fall rather than to actually get down there.
[DICE ROLLS]
BRYN
(laughing) Fifteen plus four, 19!
ALEX
Yeah, awesome! So you basically, you sprint towards the stage…
BRYN
That’s right, I might be a sorcerer but I’m also a ninja.
[LAUGHTER]
JAMES
How, how close are you to the…
ALEX
He will be landing, actually pretty much the exact square that he placed himself in.
BRYN
Yeah, that’s what I thought. Can I look around and see the guy who just fell is on the other side of the room?
ALEX
Ahhhh! Okay. Give me a Perception check.
[DICE ROLLS]
BRYN
Seventeen plus six. 23.
ALEX
You see what is… okay…
(draws breath) The thing that you’re seeing is there are lots of bodies. A lot of people have fallen through the floor. I mean there’s a few more bodies around here that I haven’t put on, which I probably should’ve, but I’m lazy.
BRYN
Yeah, no worries.
ALEX
But there’s a number of bodies that are down there. It looks like a couple might be moving? It’s hard to tell. There’s a lot of movement in the water, like masonry’s falling and putting ripples around. You do, however, see clearly that there is someone there, moving. You can’t hear them over the noise but you can see someone, sort of, thrashing towards…
BRYN
Do I have any movement speed left?
ALEX
No. Not the way that you’ve done that, basically.
BRYN
Sure, yeah.
ALEX
Because you Acrobatic doubled and so on. But yeah, that was actually… yeah, I like that. Good – good thinking.
Okay. The first one that fell uses his move action to stand up.
[BEAT]
Sees you.
LYDIA
(darkly) Foolish.
ALEX
And he can’t charge because he’s on… basically rough terrain. He’s stood amongst the giant broken casks so he can’t charge.
JAMES
Is also Hamid further up, like, a mound of rubble.
ALEX
Yeah. I mean, it’s… it’s difficult terrain, no one’s charging.
JAMES
Okay.
ALEX
So what will he do? He will take a… He will do an Acrobatics check to try and move across the broken cask without hurting himself.
[DICE ROLLS]
LYDIA
Hamid, you’re gonna die.
ALEX
And fail, which he means he has to move one square. So can you move him one, two… yeah, he’s basically blocking the sort of tunnel entrance.
Okay, and that’s his entire turn because he botched his Acrobatics and used his move to stand up which leads us on to Bertie.
JAMES
Yup.
ALEX
You’ve just really, really knackered a piano.
JAMES
Okay, I’ve got a couple of questions. How rickety is the – sorry, Lyd is pointing at the Japanese diplomat.
ALEX
Who’s currently dangling over a hole.
LYDIA
Yeah, strong! Strong man! I want it to be a very subtle reminder but not to prod you…
JAMES
No, it’s fine. No, it’s okay. I’m not sure that’s my top priority at the moment –
LYDIA
Makes sense.
JAMES
– because there’s still enemies that need vanquishing and you can’t make okonomiyaki without breaking eggs. So…
[A FEW SNICKERS]
BEN
Ooh, nice!
JAMES
So, okay…
ALEX
It’s not quite “Chessington’s world of adventure.”
JAMES
It’s fine. It can’t all be gold!
[MORE SNICKERS]
So, okay, right. What I’m thinking I would like to do, if the stage is still sufficiently rickety, is I want to have another hack at the stage, let the piano fall through straight onto those – one, possibly two who are directly underneath it, as far as I can tell from how things are staged.
ALEX
Sure.
LYDIA
It would be about there.
JAMES
Would it?
BEN
Although you might not necessarily know that.
ALEX
It depends how much stage he takes down.
LYDIA
It would be there. Yeah, true, but the piano falls…
ALEX
The piano would not be falling directly onto them. But –
JAMES
Okay, so it would, like, bounce. Or –
LYDIA
But it’s near.
ALEX
You… you could be getting a – basically like, a shrapnel affect.
BRYN(?)
And also, just shove the piano into the hole. They’ve dropped into the hole! Just shove the piano into the hole!
ALEX
You can totally do that.
JAMES
Can I just…I’m going to shove the piano through the hole.
ALEX
I’m going to make that a Strength check because you’re already stood. You can literally reach out and you don’t have to…
JAMES
Yeah, it’s got no legs so it’s actually a shoving.
ALEX
You are literally shunting it.
BEN
Or – or, why not hit it with the flat of your bastard sword like a baseball bat.
ALEX
You would be doing an attack roll for that.
JAMES
Is that a better bonus?
BRYN
You get more bonuses on an attack roll than a Strength roll.
ALEX
You will get more bonuses on an attack roll, but you are rolling to have any effect at all. A Strength roll you are just… I am guaranteeing you that you can move it as you roll, how far it move is on the Strength. So would you rather…
LYDIA
What Would Bertie Do?
ALEX
…basically it’s a choice between maybe no effect and missing, but if you do make contact it moving more, basically; or, you’re guaranteeing that something happens, but it being less likely to be an overwhelming advantage.
JAMES
I think the more obvious thing is for shoving it because it’s at shoving height.
ALEX
I… agree.
JAMES
It also makes retroactive narrative sense, and Bertie’s got an eye on that. For chopping the legs off in the first place.
[HOWLS OF LAUGHTER]
(as Bertie) I meant to do this all along! Not going to be – not going to go soft on you, piano!
BRYN
Retroactively justifying your previous mistake.
ALEX
Oh wow, yeah, I like that! Go with it, go with the Strength.
JAMES
Okay, cool, so we’re going with the strength, we’re giving it a shove. I’ve uttered that immortal line which I think deserved better than it got.
[BEAT]
BRYN
I didn’t even get it.
JAMES
A piano, that means “soft.” So “I’m not going soft on you.”
LYDIA
Oh, James! Get out.
ALEX
Oh, James! Just roll the dice!
JAMES
My character puns. It’s what he does.
BEN
Also isn’t the full phrase piano-fortissimo?
JAMES
Uh… oh, maybe. (slightly dejected) You can edit all that out.
[BEN SNICKERS]
LYDIA
No, that’s just the name!
ALEX
I’m not going to. You roll your dice and you think about what you’ve done!
JAMES
It’s fine! Right. So Bertie gives the edge of the piano an almighty shove.
ALEX
Uh-huh.
[DICE ROLLS]
JAMES
Fifteen, plus modifier of 3 is 18.
ALEX
Yeeeeup! Bertie – basically, I will say that you have to drop your bastard sword to have gotten both hands on it. You can’t just sort of one-hand shove it.
JAMES
Okay. Would I sheathe it or… just drop it?
ALEX
Just drop.
JAMES
Alright, fair enough.
BRYN
Well, I mean, if shoving is a standard action, he can pick it back up again.
ALEX
That’s what I was going to say, is that you basically dropped it. I’m just about to describe what happens so don’t go… “I didn’t do that.” Dropped your bastard sword. Shoved that piano as hard as you can. It gets tumbling down the hole and crunch. Straight on to the one on the right hand side.
LYDIA
So it – that hole…
BRYN
That hole is sort of there, so –
ALEX
It falls awkwardly, some of the floor falls away. It lands on that guy.
LYDIA
And this guy’s, “reeuugghh!”
[UPROAR OF LAUGHTER]
BEN
It’s fumbling the model around as Lyd drew the pen around it! A lovely little pirouette.
ALEX
So yeah, what Hamid sees is – Hamid’s just been looking over there to see what happened to the French diplomat. Turns back to see a piano just…
[LYDIA BURSTS INTO LAUGHTER]
Fwoomp! Floooong.
HAMID
Thanks, Bertie!
BERTIE
Sorry!
[MORE LAUGHTER]
BRYN
I knew what happened. There’s only one person I know who would make a piano drop on my enemy’s head.
BEN
“This is almost exactly like that bar fight in second year!”
ALEX
What’s fascinating is you’ve managed to make a completely cartoon scenario happen. Totally legitimately and not in a weird way! Okay, cool.
JAMES
Perception check to see if the piano is made by the Acme Piano Company.
ALEX
I am going to find out whether…okay. (to himself) Just cross that person off from the… yeah, so the…
LYDIA
The body might be in the way of the hole.
BEN
I think the piano is more in the way!
LYDIA
(snickering) Yeah, true.
ALEX
Let’s just say that – Zolf, you’re up.
BEN
Okay. Now that I’ve got a hand free, because I dropped my trident to try and grab the other guy, second hand: really try and yank this guy up.
ALEX
Sure.
BEN
And hope I don’t roll like a fool.
[DICE ROLLS]
I rolled like a fool.
[SNORTS]
ALEX
How badly?
BEN
Eight.
ALEX
Eight.
BEN
I’m still kind of…
ALEX
You can sustain but you can’t lift.
ZOLF
Need a little help here!
ALEX
(snickers a little) Sasha.
LYDIA
I want to jump on that guy and stab him in the head! From above.
BRYN
Ah, the full Assassin’s Creed.
LYDIA
Yeah.
ALEX
So… (clonks something twice) totally doable. I’m just trying to think mechanically. There is actually a feat which you may want to look into which is…
LYDIA
Stab in the Head like a Cool, Cool Person.
ALEX
It’s a really long word for a feat but it’s valid. It’s something like – there’s leap attack, and then there’s an advance form of it, where it is literally like – if you are dropping from above on someone, you get a bonus to hit, and then the advanced one is you get an bonus for damage and then an bonus to blah, blah, blah.
LYDIA
If I was going to do that, I’d put more stats in Climb first, because this scenario is rare.
ALEX
That’s the thing. It’s one of those ones where it gives you huge bonuses in a really context-specific one. So yeah, you get to drop down and I’m not going to make you do an Acrobatics check to mediate your fall…
LYDIA
I would pass it.
ALEX
Because you’re basically trying to land on him. So if you do me a favour and just give me an attack roll. There will be a penalty. I’m going to roll…
LYDIA
(indignant) Don’t I get a bonus for jumping on his head?
ALEX
Bear with. Bear with. Because it’s such a complex action that you’re trying to do, I’m going to give you a minus 1 to hit but a plus 1 on damage.
LYDIA
Yay!
[DICE ROLLS]
Ten.
ALEX
Plus your modifier?
LYDIA
Wait, which thing is the modifier?
ALEX
So if you’re attacking with the single, you’re not doing a double or anything, it will be…
LYDIA
Is that the attack bonus? One, or –?
ALEX
Basically just… even looking at the map, it’s not possible for any permutation of it. You’ve dropped short by like a couple.
LYDIA
What?! I’m an acrobatic superstar.
BEN
A level 1 acrobatic superstar!
[LAUGHTER]
LYDIA
He’s definitely not standing up.
BRYN(?)
No, he is standing up.
ALEX
Oh yeah, he did, he sidestepped, didn’t he. And he didn’t get knocked over by the piano. The other guy got completely taken out by it.
LYDIA
(displeased) Nonsense.
[LAUGHTER]
ALEX
It was a good solid try though, and I’m not going to make you roll Acrobatics to have not fallen basically, but yeah.
The diplomats! You see the one who… because you have your eyes in all directions! You basically hear a cry…
BRYN
I also rolled like 25 on my Perception roll.
ALEX
Yeah, you rolled amazingly high. So yeah, I tell you what you hear… you hear the French diplomat. Um –
ALEX (FRENCH DIPLOMAT)
Please, can somebody help me! Please!
ALEX
Meanwhile the diplomat on the end of Zolf’s arm…
BRYN
Is unconscious?
BEN
Yes.
ALEX
Is unconscious.
BEN
As sort of like a…
ALEX
However, this diplomat is going to try and help Zolf.
BEN
Yes he is! Good. Diplomat.
ALEX
He comes over, wraps his hands into…
BRYN
(deadpan) That’s diplomacy.
ALEX
…onto Zolf’s belt and starts trying to yank him back.
[DICE ROLLS]
Doesn’t succeed.
LYDIA
A very frail office… office drone.
ALEX
I was going to say, this isn’t a particularly, like, well-built individual.
In which case, Hamid, you’re up.
BRYN
I cast Acid Splash!
ALEX
On?
BRYN
(duh??) The one remaining standing enemy?
ALEX
I have to ask. Maybe you… maybe it’s a cunning backstab with acid.
BRYN
So this is a ranged touch attack.
[DICE ROLLS]
ALEX
Sure. So, and just to spell out, just before you roll. A touch attack is going against someone’s touch AC, which ignores certain aspects of the things that normally would count into your AC, and that’s to reflect the fact that they’re not actually having to hit the person. They’re not having to make real contact. It’s just – if acid even gets on their armour, it’s still going to be doing a hit. So what was the attack?
BRYN
Eight, sadly.
ALEX
No, it won’t make it. So I’m afraid, it’s a good try but (imitates splash of acid) swing and miss.
BRYN
Misses.
ALEX
Yeah.
LYDIA
This guy is, like, blessed. Someone drops down and misses him, and there’s a piano like inches around the other side. Then acid is splashed next to his feet.
BRYN
He’s already, like, millimetres from death from all the damage we’ve done him earlier as well.
ALEX
Yeah, yeah, totally. I mean, he’s got a pronounced limp.
LYDIA
And yet still is, like, dodging pianos, assassins and acid splashes.
ALEX
His turn: he is going to dive out down that hole.
JAMES(?)
Which hole – Oh, the one behind him.
BEN
(primly) What a poop.
ALEX
He’s going to leave the guy who’s covered in piano and…
[LAUGHTER]
BRYN
Is he going to make a withdrawal action?
ALEX
He might. (laughing a little) By which I mean, yes.
I’m going to keep you guys in combat time a little bit longer but be aware obviously, that those guys are now no longer in this sort of battle scenario. If you were to chase them down, that’s fine, but everything else is still happening in those initiative order.
Okay… and do you know what? I think – Bertie, you’re up.
JAMES
Okay. I think if that chap has kind of fled out of range, I think it’s probably more reasonable that I would start helping.
ALEX
Yeah, very much.
BEN
Yay, the big strong man!
JAMES
Yeah, so I…
ALEX
So you can get there in a single move because you have both your legs.
JAMES
Yep.
BEN
And they are human.
JAMES
Mhm.
ALEX
And you also get to make the Strength check as your standard action.
[DICE ROLLS]
JAMES
Seven plus 3 for Strength check is 10.
ALEX
No. Not yet.
[DISAPPOINTED GROANS]
LYDIA
How big is this diplomat?!
BEN
This is Laurel and Hardy levels of incompetence. Three people like, “Woah!”
JAMES
I am the Ambassador of the Republic of Butter!
BRYN
Does he not get a bonus from the other people helping?
ALEX
What I may have been leading to is they may choose to, they may not! You’re a scary man, no, that’s fine. Basically both of you… actually, I’m not sure. Mechanically, I’m not sure they’re allowed to give help unless it is… like, they ready the action on the other person’s turn in combat.
BRYN
I don’t know. That’s a good point.
ALEX
I’m going to say that basically you’re not coordinating, and that if you wanted to help one another, you basically… you’d have to all ready your actions to give a massive coordinated heave, otherwise you’re basically pulling kind of against one another. So… I’d say that it’s almost a foregone conclusion that the person’s up, but they’re not yet. Um… Zolf.
BEN
Do I…
ALEX
Your option is either try on your own before they’ve coordinated, or ready an action and tell them basically.
BEN
The diplomat goes after me, right?
ALEX
Yes.
BEN
So I’m going to say, “right, on three,” as the ready, “one, two, three.”
ALEX
Yeah, I get it, yeah. So Bertie won’t be helping on this.
BEN
That’s fine, but I need to…
JAMES
Because I have a skill check to count to three.
[LAUGHTER]
ALEX
Okay, so yeah, if the… Sasha first, and then it will be the diplomat.
LYDIA
Mhm. How… firstly, can I do a Perception check on whether anyone is coming to fricking help, since there was a big explosion and there’s all these bodies?
ALEX
Uh – Yeah. Please roll a Perception check.
LYDIA
Is there anyone in this massive building?
BEN
Worth us spreading the fire twice, we forgot to, which again is massively un-helping me.
ALEX
It’s alright. I lose track of things but it’s quite useful because that was the point of the fire.
BEN
I’m just fabulously firetrucking myself.
ALEX
The whole point of having it included…
JAMES(?)
What is the fire actually burning at this point?
ALEX
There’s huge amounts of broken chairs, beams have fallen from the ceiling.
BRYN
Carpets.
ALEX
Carpets.
BRYN
Floorboards.
ALEX
Plush. It’s a fire trap.
JAMES
Okay.
BEN
The problem with posh houses: posh carpets which are very thick and…
ALEX
I never understood why in films so many castles burn down. It’s stone, how does that happen?
BEN
Stuff inside. Everyone’s got tapestries everywhere!
ALEX
Those tapestries. So anyway, Sasha.
LYDIA
Yeah, so I just want… because there’s a lot of – there’s people moving around broken…
ALEX
Underneath.
LYDIA
Yeah, yeah, which I can see now and there’s an option to…so yeah.
[DICE ROLLS]
ALEX
(laughing) You haven’t told me what you’re doing, you just rolled.
LYDIA
Oh, I want a Perception check to hear if there’s anyone coming.
ALEX
Oh, okay, I’m sorry. I lost track.
BEN
You got a 15.
ALEX
I saw that land. That was a 15. I misheard you. Okay, what’s your Perception modifier?
LYDIA
Six.
ALEX
Six. So you’re at 21 total. You hear calls from elsewhere in the building. It sounds like they’re coming from a door which is sort of directly above you that would lead onto the stage, and you hear the cries of the Frenchman and maybe a couple of other people dotted around the cellar, but you couldn’t pinpoint the other two. You knew the Frenchman, because basically you were aware of him falling.
LYDIA
Okay. I think that people who are much better at healing and helping out will probably be coming along, so I want to sneak down that hole and follow them.
ALEX
In which case… I will get you to make a Stealth check now.
LYDIA
Wait. How far has he gone down that –
ALEX
Out of sight.
LYDIA
Right, okay. Yeah, Stealth check, cool. I’m quite stealthy. I’m pretty stealthy. I’m –
[DICE ROLLS]
Fourteen plus 7, so 21. 21 Stealth.
ALEX
21? Solid. Okay, so you get to move your move. You’re going to be off the map but still in combat time. So you disappear off the map. Yeah. Okay!
And then last but not least the diplomat. It’s 3… so he’ll be rolling a Strength check and you roll to aid.
[DICE ROLLS]
BEN
My aid was 4.
ALEX
Your aid was 4. You don’t aid, but he makes it.
[SOFT CHEERING]
BEN
We’ll present at it.
ALEX
(strained pulling sound) All of you manage to pull up the… basically the knocked out….
BEN
Japanese guy.
ALEX
Japanese diplomat, but you are next to a raging fire! So you may want to move. Given that he has used his Strength check but still has a move action, because that was his standard action, the diplomat is going to do so. 5, 10, 15, 20… 30.
BEN
Cool.
ALEX
And I think that is a good place to call it!
[SFX: FIRE SOUNDS CUT OUT]
We’re still in a kind of emergency situation, but the fight aspect is certainly kind of wrapped up. So we’ll call that here and we’ll reconvene with you, listener, next week! So that’s goodbye from me.
LYDIA
Bye from me.
BEN
(flat) Goodbye!
[BRYN MAKES INCOMPREHENSIBLE NOISES]
JAMES
Pleased to see the back of you, really!
[UPROAR OF LAUGHTER]
ALEX
Bye, all!
[OUTRO THEME]
Rusty Quill Gaming is a podcast distributed by rustyquill.com and licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution Non-Commercial International License. Today’s episode was recorded and produced by Alexander J Newall. To comment on episodes, make donations, and view links, images, videos and show notes, visit rustyquill.com. Rate and review us on iTunes, visit us on Facebook, tweet us on Twitter @therustyquill, or email us at mail@rustyquill.com. Thanks for listening.
[OUTRO FADES OUT]
ALEX
That was an exciting one.
LYDIA
Yep!
ALEX
How are we finding it so far?
BRYN
(thoughtful) Mmmm.
ALEX
(parodying Bryn) Mmmm!
BRYN
Mmmm!
[LAUGHTER]
JAMES
Mmmm, delicious!
BEN
(deep tough advertiser voice) Delicious roleplay!