Hello!

[THE RUSTY QUILL GAMING THEME: A BRIGHT, JAZZY PIECE]

ALEX

Hello and welcome to episode one of the Rusty Quill Gaming podcast, an actual play podcast for extended tabletop campaigns coming to you from London, England. I’m your host and game master Alex Newall, and with me today, we have:

JAMES

James Ross.

BRYN

Bryn Monroe.

BEN

Ben Meredith.

LYDIA

Lydia Nicholas.

ALEX

And this is our first official proper episode!

ALL

Hurray!

BRYN(?)

It’s only taken us 19 hours.

[LAUGHTER]

ALEX

Look, technology’s hard, like really difficult.

So! For all the new listeners out there – because you can’t not be, because it’s the first episode – um, we’re just going to basically play through a long campaign, and record everything that’s happening.

Just to run through some things – what tabletop RPG is, for a start, because there’s gonna be some people who’ve never heard this before. It’s collective storytelling, really. A group of people – it came from war games actually, originally, where people would really, really, really like one of their individual characters and would want to give that character a bit more thing, rather than like “Troop 649227,” and it kind of grew from that.

And how it works is that we pretend to be a character. And as we sort of do things – we’re rolling dice, or if we’re fighting we’re rolling dice, just to determine the outcome so that it can be a bit fairer, things like that. So what will tend to happen is if you are, say, opening a door, you’ll be rolling a dice. And there will be modifiers, which are worked out ahead of time in character creation, which just reflect how good you are at doing a thing. So if you are very good at opening locks and there is a lock, you’ll get, say, a plus six. So you’ll roll a dice just like anyone else would, but you will get a plus six because you are really good at that thing.

So the way that these things will work out is they’ll sort of be half-scene – sort of people improving, riffing off, pretending to be their characters, talking to one another – and then half-fighting and things like that. And the other thing that can sometimes throw people is, as the game’s master, I’m the one who’s running it. Think of me as the PlayStation. I’m the guy who’s churning out the NPCs and giving you quests, and I’m chucking things out basically.

JAMES

Does that mean you suffer from planned obsolescence so we can upgrade you in three to four years?

ALEX

Yes.

JAMES

Yay!

ALEX

Yes, it does.

JAMES

Good.

[ALEX SIGHS DRAMATICALLY. EVERYONE LAUGHS]

ALEX

But yeah, so effectively, if you’re going to think of it in those terms, I’m the one who’s sort of generating the story world, but at no point do I control any of the characters, apart from if something specifically bad happens – you know, you get hit by something. I tell the players “You have been hit by an arrow” rather than, you know, you deciding to have been hit. You could if you want, but it’s fairly… suicidal.

The system we’re using is the Pathfinder D20 system. It’s an open source gaming system available totally legally at d20pfsrd.com. We’ll put that in the link dump at the end so that you guys can basically click on that and go through. It’s really amazing, they’re doing good work. They took the sort of 3.5 gaming system for Dungeons and Dragons, and then they simplified it, they streamlined it. It’s big, but it’s open source, it’s free to use, and I strongly recommend that you go on there and buy some of their more obscure books so that they can basically keep churning out the stuff that they do. Because they’re doing good work.

And we’re using it because a) it’s the system I’m most familiar with – I started on 3.5 and then moved on to Pathfinder. It’s got a really broad scope, which is great because it allows us to do more things with the story, and it’s free for all of you at home to actually follow along with! Because you can just access it and see what we’re doing and it’ll all be there.

The story world’s original.

…Ish.

[LAUGHTER]

No, I wrote the story world, and it’s not meant to tie into the Pathfinder canon in any way. So before anyone says “That continent’s not there,” I know, it’s not in the Pathfinder world – a lot of it’s going to be in London! Which is, you know, a real place, so.

Also, yes, I know my geography of London is wrong. Just – just roll with it. It’s fictional.

BEN

So basically assume that Alex is wrong.

[BEAT]

And there you go!

ALEX

Yeah! All right, let’s go with that.

LYDIA

Wrong is another word for fiction.

[LAUGHTER]

ALEX

Very literal, guys.

But honestly I’ll always try to sort of put viewers in mind as to what the monsters were, but we’ll be re-skinning things a lot. So, you know, we’ll be making things look a bit more story-world-appropriate.

And if you want to keep up to date with how we’re playing the game and the mechanics, do check out our metacast, we’ve already recorded episode zero. There’s going to be a bunch more – sort of talking about more, how the mass of it works, levelling up, character creation, how you should go about building a backstory, things like that. They won’t affect the story. So if you’re just here to get, you know, get your fix, you don’t need to go into that stuff. But there’s always someone who’s interested in that kind of thing, and you should check out those, if you want to know more.

Our house rules, as well, are available at rustyquill.com. That’s where all these podcasts are going to be available as well. So if you’re thinking I’m behaving a bit weirdly, it’s all in there. I think rule one is that I’m right and you’re wrong? Uh, I can’t remember, you’ll have to double-check. Cool! Okay, so. Without further ado, we’ll get this started.

[BEAT]

(quiet) Everybody ready?

[SOMEONE GASPS DRAMATICALLY]

(ominously) You ready, Bryn?

BRYN

(deep tough voice) I was born ready.

ALEX

Ooooh! Good, good. Right.

We start… in the skies above London. It’s not particularly smoggy or anything like that. There are huge, shining brass roofs sort of spread out, and the city looks physically raised. You see that the Thames runs into it at one end, pretty much disappears underneath the profusion of buildings, and then comes out the other side of London. But while it’s there, it’s pretty much obscured. There’s all these enormous buildings, bridges, bridgework – it’s very shiny. It’s almost suspiciously sort of clean and tidy. It all looks very, very nice.

Heading in a bit closer, you do start to see, you know, there’s some steams coming up from like manhole covers and the cracks and things like that, but there’s not the smog that you’d expect for a big, big city. There’s an overground monorail, which is running in from sort of the southeast, which seems to be running straight into the city. As you’re looking at trains running by, it’s a big deal. It’s huge. It’s very, very opulent. It’s moving at a fair lick, maybe with a couple of sparks of lightning coming out the back as it goes.

[SFX: FAINT SOUNDS OF A BUSTLING CITY]

Zooming in a bit closer, you start seeing the streets are filled with people. Interestingly, everyone seems to be, you know, quite well-to-do! I’m not saying incredibly posh or wealthy or anything like that, but there doesn’t seem to be much of a litter problem. There doesn’t seem to be many people sort of wandering around begging or anything like that. It seems very, you know, very, like I said, well-to-do.

Heading in a bit closer, you start seeing – maybe off to one side, near one of the Manor houses that are off towards the edge, quite a large crowd are gathering at some gates. It’s a townhouse, so it’s tall, it’s narrow, kind of terrace-y, but it’s not – it’s not small. The crowd, they seem good-natured, they seem excited.

Heading off to the side for a bit, further down the street, we end up encountering a small girl.

[BEAT]

Well, I say small girl, I mean young woman. And she’s… how big is she?

LYDIA

She’s 5’ 4”, not even particularly short.

ALEX

We encounter a woman.

[LAUGHTER]

Just a woman. Can you give us a brief description of what Sasha looks like?

LYDIA

Sasha wears dark, fitted, comfortable and practical clothes. Description sort of slides off her. She sticks to the shadows, but not in any way that you would think of as suspicious. She’s just… not an obtrusive kind of person. She moves oddly quietly. You might notice if you were walking by that she appears from nowhere because she walks without making that much of a sound, without drawing much attention to herself. She’s very aware of you though.

ALEX

So like I said, there’s a larger crowd, which is a few streets away. But here it’s a bit quieter and there’s a couple of people walking up and down the street.

Could you give me a Perception roll, Lydia? So for anyone listening, that’d be rolling a D20. And what we’re doing is we’re basically seeing how good she is at noticing things.

[DICE ROLLS]

LYDIA

7.

ALEX

So that’s a 7, but she also gets some modifier, because she’s quite good at looking at things, which will be on the sheet.

LYDIA

Yep. My Perception is… plus 6.

ALEX

Giving a total of 13?

LYDIA

Yep.

ALEX

Okay. So, Sasha notices that she thinks she’s being followed.

[LYDIA MAKES AN UNEASY NOISE]

They’re doing a decent job, don’t get me wrong. They’re not like super ninja stealthy or anything. But one guy has been, you know, he’s been looking at a clockwork stand behind a shop for a little bit too long, and his angle – you suddenly realise that he’s got a very clear line of sight for you with the reflection, and he certainly ain’t looking at any clocks.

He’s fairly tall, and he’s quite plainly dressed? I wouldn’t go so far as to say shabby, but it feels like he could be going that way, if you left it a bit longer, you know.

LYDIA

Uh huh. And you say there’s a crowd ahead of me?

ALEX

There is a crowd further off to the left-hand side. So you’re in the middle of the street, let’s say to your left, a few streets away. You’re looking at a good sort of five minute walk. You can hear it and you can see people heading in that direction, you can’t physically see a big crowd.

And the street you’re on is lined with shopfronts. They’re… they’re middling. They’re not incredibly opulent, but neither are they pawnbrokers or anything like that. And he’s further off to the right-hand side, further away from the crowds. And there’s a few people who were walking past him; no one seems to be thinking that he’s acting peculiarly.

LYDIA

Right, okay. Well, I… cross the road. And looking towards the crowd, looking into shops as I go. I am not particularly walking fast. I make sure not to look behind me, but I’m catching, I’m looking into as many reflections as possible to see whether this guy is actually following me specifically, and how far behind he is.

ALEX

So you see that he moves away when you do. Give me another Perception roll.

[DICE ROLLS]

LYDIA

8 plus six. 14.

ALEX

Fourteen. Pretty much same as before. You’re pretty certain that he’s following you. You can’t discern any motives or anything like that, really, but, you know, it’s the thing where you’re looking in one window just briefly to get a reflection and he’s coming up behind you. You deliberately cross the road, you know, stopping for a moment for a carriage to go past in the direction of the crowd and then carrying on, and the guy has deliberately occupied himself, looking at another shop, just to maintain that distance. He didn’t seem to be trying to close in on you, but he’s definitely keeping pace.

LYDIA

How close am I to the crowd?

ALEX

A good, like, still four minutes away. You’re going to have to take a couple of turns left and right. It’s – you know it’s there, because there’s a big, you know, there’s that kind of furore, you know, that noise of lots of people. They’re not yelling, but they’re definitely there and you can home in from the sound if nothing else.

LYDIA

Yep. So I continue walking that way. If I pass, I’m looking into shops again, checking for the guy behind me. I am, unbeknownst to him perhaps, under my jacket taking out bits of my disguise kit, intending to at least change my appearance very slightly. I’ve got a small foldable hat. And I can maybe… Gosh, do I have a wig? Probably have a wig.

ALEX

A basic disguise kit would have – think of it as the real basic disguise kit. Have you ever seen the Sherlock Holmes movies? Like the big posh Hollywood ones, how he can sort of like bodge together a few odds and ends. So you could have a rubbishy wig, yeah.

LYDIA

Okay! I’ve got a small hat and I’ll have the stuff in there that would, if I were to screw up my face and draw it across, would manage to age me very slightly. And I am prepared and taking things up, like out under my jacket, ready to plunge into this crowd and come out the other side, looking at least very slightly different.

[SOUNDS OF THE CROWD BECOME SLIGHTLY LOUDER]

ALEX

Okay, as you are sort of heading in, you’re homing in towards the crowd. The guy’s keeping his distance, but you’re definitely sure he’s tailing you. And you notice someone else steps into the street, and then after a few moments, it becomes clear that he’s also tailing you. This guy is much smaller, much leaner. He’s bordering on the shabby. But he’s clearly tracking you and because you know what you’re doing, it’s quite clear that they are sort of hoping that you’re aware of one of them, not both of them. You are moments away from the crowd at this point.

LYDIA

Okay. I am, I think, still going to hope that this is – since I’m in a public space, I don’t think getting a weapon out would be appropriate yet. And I am going to fling myself into this interesting crowd. I assume, am I there yet?

ALEX

Yeah, yeah.

LYDIA

Now remember I’ve got Crowd Dodger as a trait. That means that I can move through it quite easily. It’s quite easy for me to shift through things and manage to change.

I change my hat. I age myself by, like, rubbing gray into what hair is showing out underneath and into the wrinkles on my frowny forehead. I take my jacket off and roll it into a bundle so that I begin to look a bit more small, frail, and slightly different. I hold my space in the crowd for a little while. I don’t know what the crowd is trying to do. I think I’m trying to pick up on that, whilst fiddling with my appearance.

ALEX

Let you know a bit about the crowd. It’s a big group of people, like a really large group of people, a couple of hundred, and they’re all gathering at the townhouse that I was mentioning earlier in the description. They’re gathered around that townhouse. It has big wrought iron gates, which are closed currently.

It has a few city guards out front, nothing dodgy. They’re not being mean, like cruel or anything, but they are keeping a significant distance because otherwise you’re going to get people being pushed up against the gates. Everyone seems good-natured, no one’s angry, no one’s yelling, but it’s very enthusiastic. It’s like being outside a gig, like people are raring up for something.

The townhouse is completely closed. It’s completely white, very, very tall. Maybe four stories, five stories, and despite being sort of terraced townhouse, you get the impression that that terrace might be quietly expanding out into either side of the other buildings. Like it’s probably quite an expensive house. Couple of – it has a front yard with a couple of larger trees. And yeah, the crowd are all sort of craning to get a look, but there’s nothing really to see. A couple of opportunistic people are selling stuff.

Can you give me a roll for your disguise checks? That’d be another D20, yeah. That’s a 20-sided dice.

[DICE ROLLS]

LYDIA

Ohhhh.

One!

ALEX

Natural one. So for future reference…

LYDIA

(simultaneously) Natural one. That’s a one. Critical disguise fail!

ALEX

That is a critical disguise fail!

LYDIA

(laughing) Oh, God!

JAMES(?)

You’re mustaching yourself and there’s just a big arrow like, “Here I am!”

ALEX

So, yeah, for future reference, 20 – or depending if you’re doing combat maybe a little lower – like, a 20 is called like a “natural success” really. And there are a few situations where I’ll overrule it, but normally a natural 20 is a natural success. A one isn’t just a fail, a one is that you’ve actively made the thing that you were trying to do harder.

[LYDIA LAUGHS, HORRIFIED]

So basically you’re going through the crowd, you’re doing all these things, you’re getting a lay of the land, you’re also putting all of this stuff on. You get the powder out to run through your hair, trip, bump into a small child, and then the whole powder just pffff! Flies up into the air. It covers about five people all around you. There’s one gentleman going,

ALEX (GENTLEMAN)

(coughing) Oh, oh, goodness me –

ALEX

And all these people around just instantly drawn attention, and it’s clear that anyone from the edge of the crowd has just seen this big little signal go ppfff – into the air.

LYDIA

Awwww.

ALEX

With that, we’ll pan out and leave you in the middle of the crowd!

So moving across from the city, moving away from the crowd, as it looks like a few people are getting disgruntled at this – woman, full stop. We head across into a slightly lower-rent district. Again, it’s not dingy, but you get the impression it’s where a merchant would live. Not even a successful merchant, you know, there’s a bit more pubs, that kind of thing.

And in fact, above what looks like some kind of a music venue or something, we go in and we head into a very narrow window, and then we enter this very, very small space. There is a couple of chairs, upon which is sat Zolf. Can you describe your character for us, Ben?

BEN

Um… am I like, out and about?

ALEX

You are currently sat on a chair in a fairly, sort of, think of it as an above a pub sort of dingy venue-esque.

BEN

Okay. So I probably have left my armor at home. It’s that kind of situation.

So yeah, uh…

ALEX

We’ll say you have it in the room with you.

BEN

Okay, fine. So it’s probably hung up behind the door or something. I don’t know where someone keeps their armor… (laughing) I’ve never owned a set myself.

JAMES

In an armoire!

LYDIA

Ohhhh.

ALEX

Eyyyy. (laughing) You’re a bad person, and I really liked that joke.

BEN

So, blonde dwarf with sort of a bird’s-nest style hairdo, it was likened to Boris Johnson although that is thankfully where the comparison ends, and a large blonde beard, which has been braided into two long Beardo tails…

[LAUGHTER]

Two braids under where the jowls would be. Yeah. He’s got a peg leg as well, a metal one – his left leg, to be exact. And he has a sort of obvious amulet, which is a driftwood carving of a dolphin.

ALEX

Okay, cool. Well, like I said, there are two chairs, and the chair a little back and behind him is… one bad luckin’ mother! Like he’s sat there, big, big sort of desert coat, like a trenchcoat deal. He’s clearly got a broadsword on him. He isn’t scarred, but you kind of get the impression he’s not scarred because he knows what he’s doing, as opposed to because, you know, he just never got in a fight. Like he’s got the kind of lank haircut, that thousand-yard stare. And he’s just there, and he clearly seems subordinate to Zolf. He’s just there, just quiet, just sort of glowering.

In front of both of them is a very, very, wee-looking sixteen-year-old, and he’s sort of trying to do a handstand, and he can’t really manage it. He’s looking fairly shabby. He sort of lands on his back and goes,

ALEX (SIXTEEN-YEAR-OLD)

(panting) Okay, all right. I can normally do that honestly. So like, can I join? Like, can I be a merc. I think – got like, I can’t afford the sword right now, but like if you can advance me, I could definitely like probably be a merc.

ZOLF

I’ve got to say… probably… no.

ALEX (SIXTEEN-YEAR-OLD)

Well, I mean, I mean, like I said, the handst… I could do the cartwheel! I mean, I can show you the cartwheel again, I mean, it’d be…

ZOLF

On reflection, handstanding cartwheels aren’t really number one priorities for a mercenary. (sucks in breath through teeth) Do you have any weapons?

ALEX (SIXTEEN-YEAR-OLD)

Uh… I’d say that my body is a weapon!

[LAUGHTER]

ZOLF

Are you very good with that weapon?

ALEX (SIXTEEN-YEAR-OLD)

I was hoping I could learn!

ZOLF

This isn’t really a training course. I’m pretty sure they run them at the Guild, but… it’s a no, um. Sorry. Yeah. Good luck. Go to school, like get trained and then come back in, like, I don’t know, five years?

ALEX

The kid kind of looks a bit crestfallen. Not surprised, but crestfallen. He kind of looks from you, looks at the thousand-yard-stare man, quickly looks back to you. And then just sort of heads out, opens the door.

And as he opens the door, there is just an enormous – gleaming – like almost like a robotic monolith in the doorway. He opens it and it’s just a wall of steel. He sort of walks, stops and it’s just a wall of steel and falcons.

[OUTBURST OF LAUGHTER]

And this kid just sort of, he doesn’t seem to have registered what’s behind the door? He just sort of – looks at it, and then it’s back to you.

ALEX (SIXTEEN-YEAR-OLD)

H-hello?

ALEX

At which point of course we encounter…

WALL OF STEEL AND FALCONS

(bellowing) Hello!

ALEX

James’ character Bertie. Could you give us a bit of a physical description.

JAMES

My character is Bertie MacGuffingham, and he is six foot five and pretty lardy, but in a sort of a healthy, muscular way, rather than just plain obesity. He’s a very big chap. He looks like a, sort of a tall, fatter, blonder version of Hugh Laurie playing Bertie Wooster in the 1990s Fry and Laurie, decent Wooster adaptation.

And he’s wearing massive armor, massive, incredibly flashy armor, and it is adorned with huge falcons and it’s incredibly fancily carved. It is very much how, you know, a child would draw big fancy armor if required to do so.

BRYN(?)

Is it like when they draw a tank, but there’s got guns on the guns bit.

JAMES

It’s got guns on the guns. It’s got falcons on the falcons.

[LAUGHTER]

ALEX

Okay, and I’m going to jump away for that moment, just for that opening impression of your character. And we, we head back out through that narrow little window and up into the sky, and then we cut to… Bryn’s character.

He is in the casino. He is in a very, very opulent casino. An incredibly opulent casino, and he’s sat at what looks like a roulette table. Upon it is a heaped pile of chips, right in front of him. It’s clear that they are currently his chips.

There’s a decent crowd around him. It seems like they’ve been drawn half by the money and half by him. You know, he’s a very chipper-looking guy, and the croupier is getting a little bit of a concerned frown. Like, he might be doing his job badly and he’s not sure why. Give us a bit more details about your character, Bryn.

BRYN

My character is a halfling. He is pretty good-looking. He’s got sort of golden-brown skin and large, dark brown eyes. He’s got an incredibly neat haircut, very clean-shaven, very well-put-together in an immaculate suit.

[BEAT]

He looks conflicted.

[LAUGHTER]

ALEX

Yeah, I can see why he would. So the table has an elderly gentleman, very, very well-to-do. He seems to be wearing more fur than than any other piece of clothing, despite the fact that it’s perfectly, you know, it’s a perfectly balmy temperature in there. He leans over and he’s very impressed.

ALEX (ELDERLY GENTLEMAN)

Goodness me, I don’t think I’ve ever encountered someone quite as impressive. I’m thinking all in on red.

ALEX

Gives you a really token wink. It’s quite clear that this guy maybe doesn’t even understand how gambling works, and he proceeds to go all in with his five chips on… what was it I said?

BRYN

Red.

ALEX

He puts his five chips on red and then goes “Oh, go on.” All the crowd around Hamid are like, “oh yeah, yeah, do it, do it, do it, yeah, yeah! Oh my God!”

Croupier just sort of gives a knowing glance at you –

ALEX (CROUPIER)

(lowering his voice) If sir’s going to place a bet, I believe it’s about time.

BRYN

I play with my stack of chips briefly. I flick a couple in the air, and pocket them, and then push the rest onto red.

ALEX

Okay. I’m going to take that opportunity now to just take a brief break and we’ll be back to you in a couple of minutes.

---

[UPBEAT MUSIC]

ALEX

Hi guys, Alex here. Normally we put an ad break at this point, letting you know about new developments at Rusty Quill, mention sponsors, or just recommend other shows that we think you’d enjoy. But today we just want to take the time to thank you. It takes a lot of time and effort and money to make podcasts like this. And it means a lot to us that you’ve decided to listen. So thank you. You’re awesome. In fact, you are so awesome that we want to keep making great content for you and introduce you to loads of new shows! But in order to do that, we need your help.

The more listeners that we get, the more content we can make. It’s as simple as that. And the best way that we can get listeners is by word of mouth. In the credits at the end of the episode, we include details about how you can get involved online, but honestly, the best way that you can help us is by recommending us to people that you know. Tell a friend, tell a coworker, tell your pet iguana. If just one of the people or lizards that you talk to subscribes, that’s going to be a huge help to us.

We’re looking forward to making loads more content for you in the future. And we want to share it with everyone that you care about. So thanks again for getting involved and we hope we get to meet you, your friends and all your lizards real soon.

Well, that’s everything for now. So sit back, relax, and let’s get back to the show.

[MUSIC FADES OUT]

---

ALEX

Welcome back! So I believe we just left Hamid placing an enormous bet. Instead of, you know, following that, what I’ll do is I’ll cut back to Sasha. And she’s there having just made an enormous, I’m going to have to say, prat of herself.

LYDIA

Yeeees.

ALEX

A lot of people are looking, and most people are laughing. Like no one, apart from the sort of posh gentleman who got covered in what he thinks might be dandruff…

[LAUGHTER]

LYDIA

I keep a pot of it about.

ALEX

I know.

LYDIA

I don’t! That is not in my gear.

ALEX

(jokingly) But that was in your backstory! I don’t understand!

So what you’re doing, the guys at the edge of the crowd are working their way towards you with a lot more skill than you were managing with your disguise.

LYDIA

Okay. I guess I can, I haven’t played this very much. Can I kind of examine the area? I am looking for like places, crowded places where I might manage to slip past these guys. Dark corridors and that kind of stuff.

ALEX

And that’d be a Perception check. So again, rolling that D20.

[DICE ROLLS]

LYDIA

That’s an 8 plus six.

ALEX

So 14. It’s quite hard to see, given that you’re in the middle of the crowd. You can see obviously the wrought iron gates and that clear space in front. Now that’d probably be a bad idea. There’s back the way you came, but both of them are pretty much covering that. So if you’re in the crowd and the wrought iron gates are at your right, to the left, there’s sort of a main avenue, which you can see the crowd extends down quite a decent distance and it’s clearly, like, a big deal. And there’s some guards, you can see in the far distance that have just started to clear a path through for a carriage or something similar. It looks like it’ll take a while to get here, maybe like another 10 minutes, just because the crowd is quite dense. You could get out onto the far other side, although there’s a huge group of really drunken revellers who are just kind of, you know, dancing round. They’re not like catatonic and throwing stuff at one another, but it’s clear, you know, like,

[ALEX SINGS RHYTHMICALLY YET UNINTELLIGIBLY]

They’re all sort of having a bit of a party. The people around them seem fairly good-natured, and there’s a couple of guards who are just kind of keeping a watchful eye. Beyond them are some quieter streets. There’s still people coming up towards it, and after that, you get into the, sort of more into the merchant-y district.

LYDIA

Right, okay. I am going to head up straight through the crowd. Use my… I’ve got this lovely Crowd Dodger skill, and I think my Acrobatics, et cetera, are all pretty high. I’m hoping that I’ll be able to essentially slip faster than the people pursuing me through the dense pack of people. Maybe, you know, plan will be to vaguely lose them or at least a bit of it and then slip down a side street.

ALEX

Okay. And can you give me an Acrobatics check just because of the nature of contortions that you’re having to do? Because it’s a packed crowd and you’re still trying to work your way through.

[DICE ROLLS]

LYDIA

20 plus my seven.

BRYN(?)

Eyyyy.

ALEX

Natural 20! So yeah, like it’s just… this has been ups and downs for you!

[LAUGHTER]

So with the natural 20, you are quickly managing to put – put some distance between you. There’s a lot of sort of reaching up to tap one guy on the shoulder as he turns around and you go behind him and you have your back to him. As he’s talking to the other person, you’ve already sort of greeted someone like they’re an old friend, they look at you confused, and as you go into a hug, you somehow managed to make your way past them into the next group of people.

In no time at all, you are at the drunken revellers, and one of them reaches out and basically starts to pull you into a dance. Nothing lecherous or anything like that. He is just like –

[ALEX STARTS SINGING RHYTHMICALLY AGAIN]

And he starts pulling you into a jig.

LYDIA

Excellent. I think I start dancing with the intention that I will gradually, I will use the space to move quickly through the drunken crowd, swinging on arms, being tapped, thrown into the air and caught a few meters down. I’m trying to dash away in a dancy style.

ALEX

So you move through that dance quite easily and efficiently, and at the far side, you sort of make it towards the crowd. At which point you see someone wearing an identical outfit to the first guy who was following you – at the far end.

LYDIA

Oh dear.

ALEX

And at that point, I’m gonna lift away from you and jump all the way back across to Zolf and James’s character. The kid sort of stepped out of the way and held the door open for you to come in, kind of looking…

ALEX (SIXTEEN-YEAR-OLD)

(stuttering) Hi? Hello.

ZOLF

Next!

BERTIE

(bellowing) Hello? Yes. Thank you, my lad!

JAMES

I pat the small boy on the shoulder.

ALEX

He visibly sags when you do so.

[LAUGHTER]

BERTIE

Well done, nice to meet you!

JAMES

Patting him on the shoulder over and over again.

ALEX

(giggling) He’s kind of wincing a little bit and desperately trying to get out of the room and close the door.

BERTIE

Off you go!

JAMES

Tap on the other shoulder and just shove him out the door.

BERTIE

(clears his throat) I! I am Sir Bertrand MacGuffingham. Pleasure to meet you, pleasure for you to meet me. Hello, hello.

JAMES

He comes in and shakes the hand of Zolf’s character and the chap with the thousand eyed stare, looks the chap with the thousand eyed stare right in the eye, doesn’t acknowledge his thousand eyed stare at all, just shakes his hand very roughly.

BERTIE

Hello, pleasure to meet you, good, yes. How are you doing? You well? Good. Excellent. Hello? Yes.

ZOLF

Yeah, if you wouldn’t mind taking a seat.

BERTIE

Oh, thank you. Yes.

JAMES

Pulls back a seat and sits in the seat.

ZOLF

So… Sir Bertr –

BERTIE

You may call me Sir Bertrand! My friends call me Sir Bertrand.

ZOLF

Sir Bertrand it is then. So what makes you, why are you applying for this?

BERTIE

Why am I applying for a job as a mercenary? For money and for glory and to have my name echo down the ages! Yes, in the tales of bards and other people, yes, it will ring throughout – And money. Money, there’s money, right? There is also money. Money is a definite element in this process.

ZOLF

Yeah, no no, this is –

BERTIE

There’s definitely some money.

ZOLF

A paid –

BERTIE

Good. Right place then, excellent.

ZOLF

Okay. So, all right, well that’s – I suppose, pretty covered. And what makes you think that you would be a good member of the team?

BERTIE

Right. Well, I can do this.

JAMES

At which point I stand up, I draw my bastard sword, I select a table and I attack it.

[OUTBURST OF LAUGHTER]

With my power attack.

ALEX

I’m going to give you a… You know what I’m going to give you, I’m going to force you to do an attack roll just because it’s Bertie. So if you can roll me D20.

JAMES

Four. What do I add to that?

ALEX

Your attack bonus with the bastard sword, which is a four, I believe?

JAMES

Yeah.

BRYN

But you declared a power attack, so minus one from that.

ALEX

Mhm. So it’s seven. What we’ll do is we’ll say, you draw the bastard sword, you wield it above your head. There’s a big flurry. You then sort of double-hand it and just try to cleft it in twain, misjudge the angle slightly, and totally cleft one leg off. Like, that leg is cleft. The bastard sword is buried into the floor, like, which is wood as well. It’s not like a massive fail, it’s still incredibly showy, but instead of the sort of wonderful parting as it, as it splits into a perfect divide, it more just kind of… topples.

BERTIE

Imagine that table was an orc, yeah. It’d be like falling over, you know, cause because an orc with only one leg is bloody… Oh. Oh…

ZOLF

Not, not, not to worry. Uh…

ALEX

The guy with the thousand yard stare just leans in and whispers into Zolf’s ear –

ALEX (GUY WITH THOUSAND-YARD-STARE)

(hoarse) He’ll probably do. If we’re going to make it to crowd control, we should probably leave.

ZOLF

Ah, I suppose you’re right, Figgis.

(inhale) (louder) Yeah, you’re hired, brilliant! You start immediately.

BERTIE

Excellent! Lovely.

ZOLF

We’re doing a bit of crowd control at the moment, trying to make sure people don’t get too rowdy. There’s a big event – going on uptown.

BERTIE

What, what, what event?

ZOLF

It’s… (delicately) Lord Edison’s event.

BERTIE

Mmmm!

ALEX

At which point we will cut away to Hamid and he’s there at the table. The doll(?) is there, dancing around, and the old guy next to him goes,

ALEX (GENTLEMAN)

We’re definitely going to win. Definitely.

HAMID

(terrified) I don’t doubt it for a second.

ALEX

Croupier is kind of dancing around, dancing around and you can see the croupier – he’s got a very calm composure to him, but his knuckles are a little bit white, because you’re currently betting more than his yearly salary. At which point, the ball comes down.

And it is a black.

[HAMID GROANS SOFTLY]

And the croupier just kind of leans across and pulls the stick and pulls all the chips. He’s not being a mean guy about it, but you can tell he’s quite happy because he’s probably just gotten a bonus off that. And he’s just stacking it again, he goes,

ALEX (CROUPIER)

I’m very sorry that happened, sir. I’m sure that the casino bank would be able to offer you an extension perhaps, or maybe some more chips.

BRYN

I look visibly shaken. I reach my hand in my pocket very slowly and bring out the three chips I squirrelled away earlier.

ALEX (CROUPIER)

Would sir care to place another bet? Only there are other patrons who are perhaps wanting to play…

[HAMID HEAVES A SIGH]

BRYN

I stare longingly at the chips, and stare longingly at the roulette wheel. I head to the exit and ask to turn my chips back into cold, hard cash.

ALEX

Yep. The guy behind the metal grill with the chips takes the two. Kind of looks at them a bit pityingly and goes, you know…

Oh, is it three? My mistake. Three chips.

BRYN

Thank you. I’ll have you know!

ALEX

Hey, that’s like a 150% increase from two. So the guy kind of holds the three chips, looks at them a little bit pityingly, and he goes,

ALEX (GRILL GUY)

It’s all right, you know.

ALEX

He starts, you know, converting them into cash.

ALEX (GRILL GUY)

If it’s any consolation, I thought you’d leave with nothing. So that’s plus, that’s four pluses! Four pluses for you.

ALEX

And he hands over, just four whole pieces.

HAMID

Thank you. I suppose things could always be worse.

ALEX (GRILL GUY)

Oh yes, I mean, you could leave right now and actually, if you were to place one more bet you could be, you could win on one of the larger tables, eh? But you wouldn’t know. Cause you’d have left.

HAMID

(shaky) No, no, it’s time. It’s time to do something else.

ALEX (GRILL GUY)

All right. All right. All right. Well you have a lovely day and remember that Charlemagne’s is always open for those who like to have a little bit of a tickle on the cards.

HAMID

Thank you. Thank you. Hopefully I won’t be seeing you for quite some time.

ALEX (GRILL GUY)

Why does everyone always say that when they’re losing, eh? I don’t know.

HAMID

(sighs again) I wonder what happens now.

BRYN

I wander off down the street.

ALEX

You head down the carpeted stairs, open the doors from the soft-lit walnut interior, to a crowded street and bright sunlight that’s really too bright, like really, really too bright. You’ve clearly been in there a little bit too long. And there is a large sort of natural flow of people, and there’s a big crowd sort of off to the right-hand side. And yeah, the flow of the crowd is certainly heading in that direction. To the point where you’d kind of be (inaudible)

BRYN

I follow the crowd. I’m going to see what everyone’s so excited about.

ALEX

Okay. So. We jump back to Sasha as the three followers are closing in.

LYDIA

So I didn’t lose the other guys.

ALEX

You didn’t manage to lose them. You got a big distance on them, so you’ve still got time to work with, but they’re still sort of trying to work their way through. They’re kind of trapped in the crowd, but they totally have a bead on you.

LYDIA

Okay, well so you’re saying that where I am right now, I’ve got to the edge of the drunken revellers, and then there’s some side streets into the merchant district, if I remember rightly?

ALEX

Uh, yeah.

LYDIA

I think I leg it down one of them.

ALEX

Okay, cool. So yeah, basically the second that the revellers part, just for a second, you dart out and into a side street. I wouldn’t need a roll for that, like you’ve been doing well enough with your dancing, and you had straight down to a side street, you know, quick disappearing off.

And the second that you head into a side street, you run slam into what you feel like is just a wall of metal. A very kind of embellished and gilded metal! But metal nonetheless.

JAMES

Hello! Do I throw a Perception check?

ALEX

To notice if someone’s run into you?!

[LAUGHTER]

I’d say that the clang is loud enough, but you didn’t feel the actual impact.

JAMES

Okay, fair enough. I kind of look around.

ALEX

To elaborate, obviously Bertie’s there, as is a little bit off to the side Zolf and then behind him, the tall, muscular, good-looking, slightly debonair, but also threatening thousand-yard-stare man.

BEN

Whose name is now Figgis.

ALEX

Whose name is now Figgis. Because you got his name in before I did.

[LAUGHTER]

BEN

I did, yes! I was waiting for that.

BERTIE

Oh, hello, young lady! Terribly sorry, didn’t see you there.

LYDIA

I think that I try and run past. I don’t think I can think of a convincing character reason to stay.

ALEX

Okay, that’s fine. Give me a… it depends how you want to go past. Acrobatics would probably be the natural one.

LYDIA

Yeah, I try and I think slip through his embellished legs and run off behind because he presents such a large wall of…

[DICE ROLLS]

Ooh, a 19.

ALEX

19, okay. I believe technically you’re meant to roll an oppose check, but frankly you won’t make it with an armor check. So basically you take a moment, you turn around and see one of the guys has basically come into the mouth of the alley.

LYDIA

Right, you know what? I think I’m going to flip through the legs and hide behind – Bertie, because he’s massive.

ALEX

(cheerful) Oh yeah, he’s huge.

LYDIA

So maybe they won’t notice me. I don’t know, that sounds quite naive.

JAMES

Try and roll for hiding behind me.

LYDIA

No, I think I’d leg it down there. I’d leg it down the street. Yep, Sasha legs it down the street.

ALEX

Okay, so yeah, you duck between his legs, dodge, encounter the thousand yard stare guy who just –

[BEAT. PRESUMABLY ALEX IS DOING THOUSAND-YARD-STARING]

And Zolf as well, at which point you start legging it down the street and almost predictably, there’s another guy at the end of the street who steps in to the alleyway on either side of you. Sorry, the other end of the alley. None of them are sort of brandishing anything, they have just sort of carefully just positioned themselves and seem to be standing, just…

BEN

Can I do Perception check to notice (laughing) the two people?

JAMES

Can I do it as well?

ALEX

Yeah, sure.

[DICE ROLLS]

Give me your total plus the modifiers.

BEN

Oh, it’s on, uh… Yeah, cool, 13.

JAMES

I’ve rolled a 4, I’ve got a perception of minus one.

[LAUGHTER]

Barely notice that there are alleyways. Which way is up in this gravity?

ALEX

(to Ben) So the thousand-yard-stare guy, he kind of looks to the left, looks to the right, nods to you. You, oh yeah, you kind of twig it. (to James) You, however, are just quietly going, (Bertie-like) there was a person here, there was definitely a person here.

JAMES

(as Bertie) What are bricks?

ALEX

I mean, it’s not, it’s not like complete utter fail, but it is a case of you’re still processing the fact that there was a Sasha and now there’s not a Sasha.

JAMES

(as Bertie) I’ve seen women before!

LYDIA

I am backing slowly into having dashed past them. I’m backing slowly away.

JAMES

Can I just clarify briefly the situation in this alley? So it’s a long alleyway. One end is blocked by one of these gentlemen and the other is blocked by the other similar looking gentlemen. Sasha has gone through the alley past us, and is now closer to one end of the alley and has stopped.

LYDIA

Close to that end and I’m slowly backing…

BEN(?)

Oh yeah, we’ve got models!

LYDIA

(simultaneously) Oh, we’ve got miniatures!

ALEX

Yeah, you do.

BEN(?)

Where’s Figgis’ model?

JAMES(?)

(clonking noise, putting down his miniature) I think I’m probably about there?

ALEX

Figgis’ model… no, that’s way too big for Figgis. Figgis isn’t a large creature.

BEN(?)

He gets to be a carnifex(?)!

ALEX

Well, that’s… that’s sufficiently scary. Or you could be him.

JAMES(?)

That makes more sense, because then you have these as the enemies.

BEN(?)

Should we have a behind-the-curtain kind of moment where we’re playing with chess pieces and…

ALEX

Oh yeah, to spell out, this sounds like, “oh, they’ve got all these awesome things.” What we did is we found some old miniatures.

JAMES(?)

I genuinely haven’t used these for like 17 years. I dug them out some boxes.

LYDIA

So I’ve come running in, I’ve slid through his tin man legs and sort of done a roly-poly and begun running and then stopped dead seeing this guy. And now I’m backing this way.

ALEX

Okay.

[CROSSTALK]

BRYN

Technically according to the rule system, there is no such thing as the way you’re faced.

ALEX(?)

Okay, fair enough.

BRYN

You’re considered to be facing in all directions simultaneously.

LYDIA

(incredulous) How do I flank anyone then?

BRYN

Because you specifically have to have a partner.

LYDIA

Ohhhh.

ALEX

It’s a weird one where… like Bryn’s right,

BRYN

It actually works quite well from a rules perspective.

ALEX

It’s – yeah, the idea behind it, is that you are aware 360°, what with hearing and everything else. But what you’re not aware of is like, when you have to divide attention. That’s the idea behind flanking, it’s when you’re splitting your attention. So if someone’s directly behind you, unless you’re like catching the initiative on them, then they’re technically aware of you.

LYDIA

Okay.

ALEX

So if we all just take a moment I suspect that a little bit of combat might be on its way, but not yet.

[LYDIA MAKES THOUGHTFUL NOISES]

As the two start approaching.

ZOLF

Do we have a problem here, gents?

ALEX (“GENT” 1)

No problem.

ALEX (“GENT” 2)

No problem. I don’t see a problem. Oy, oy Thompson, Thompson, do we have a problem?

ALEX (“GENT” 1, aka THOMPSON)

No, no problems.

BERTIE

Excellent! If there are no problems, it’s lovely to meet you! Hello, I’m Sir Bertrand “Bertie” MacGuffingham.

JAMES

I hold up my hand for a handshake.

ALEX (THOMPSON)

Oh hello, hello. I’d shake your hand, but I’ve just eaten… food.

BEN

While this wonderful distraction, is happening, I will sidle up to Lyd’s character, to Sasha.

ZOLF

(whisper) What’s going on?

LYDIA

Right, at this point, I think it is useful for me to ask if I recognise either of these. I’ve got an idea of who they might be, from complicated backstory, and I also know that not recognising them doesn’t mean that they’re not part of… that group, but do I recognise them at all?

ALEX

You recognise one of them. You recognise the one who was known as Thompson. Thompson is this one.

BEN(?)

Or is it Thompson and Thompson?

[CROSSTALK]

ALEX

Oh, you don’t know the guy’s name. You basically, you know, you recognise Thompson. You also recognise that’s not his name!

LYDIA

Yeah.

ALEX

And what you know about him: he’s not the biggest, scariest person in the world, but he’s kind of big and scary enough.

LYDIA

Yeah, and he’s got three other people behind him in the crowd coming towards me, right?

ALEX

Yeah, probably.

LYDIA

Yeah. Well, I mean, there were two that I slipped and that are coming, I know, further back…

ALEX

Yeah, that’s kind of what I mean, is that like, it’s a safe bet.

LYDIA

So I answer:

SASHA

(whisper) Yes. Yes, we do have a problem.

ZOLF

(whisper) What’s the problem?

SASHA

(whisper) Well, these, I used to work for these guys and I don’t want to be engaged in their line of business anymore, and they disagreed with my employment – change in employment status.

ALEX (THOMPSON)

Now come on, Sasha! We’ve all got places to be, you know?

ZOLF

(whisper) Hold that thought.

BEN

Okay, Alex, just checking, this is the crowd was supposed to be dispersing, right? Just, just round the corner.

ALEX

The crowd is quite literally like just around the corner. There is a big flow of people just at the opposite end. At this end of the alley, the one closest towards Thompson, there is a big flow of people heading straight into towards that crowd, and you are currently right next to that crowd.

JAMES

Is it our legitimate business purpose to keep this free-flowing traffic moving along this alley?

ALEX

Oh, totally. As far as he’s briefed you.

ZOLF

(whisper) Oh, well just leave this to me.

(louder) Sorry, gents, we’ve been hired to keep the crowd control. You’re obstructing the flow of traffic. Figgis, Bertie, if you wouldn’t mind moving these gentlemen out of the way to stop restricting a public byway.

(whisper again) Stay by me.

ALEX (THOMPSON)

Oh, I don’t really think this is necessary. I mean, we’re just trying to have a conversation, that’s all –

ZOLF

Sorry, sir, we are just doing our jobs.

ALEX (THOMPSON)

So are we, so are we! I’m sure you understand.

ALEX

They just approach even closer.

BERTIE

Well, well, now perhaps we could have this conversation outside of this narrow alleyway, keep traffic moving freely.

JAMES

Moving slightly closer towards Thompson, just kind of usher him out of the alley, and then I headbutt him in the face.

[LAUGHTER]

ALEX

I might go ahead and say that we might be entering combat right now. So, uh… with that in mind, can everyone roll for initiative?

BEN(?)

What am I rolling?

ALEX

So roll a D20.

BEN(?)

Amazing.

ALEX

And add your initiative modifier, and then what I’m going to do is I’m going to go around the table and get you guys to tell me what they are.

So Bertie, what was your initiative?

JAMES

I have nine plus one, which is 10.

ALEX

10.

BRYN

I’m not currently in the scene.

ALEX

Fair point.

LYDIA

Is that with modifiers?

Mine is 13 with modifiers.

ALEX

Okay. Let me just roll for Figgis, as his name is. The thousand-yard-stare veteran Figgis.

[DICE ROLLS]

Okay. And despite the fact that you’re not in the scene, Bryn, can you do me a solid and roll initiative anyway?

[DICE ROLLS]

BRYN

8.

BEN

I really hope you come flying from the sky…

LYDIA

Just get thrown in. (faintly) Whee!

ALEX

Okay, and with that in mind, we’ll just take a moment and then we’ll set this board up.

[BEAT]

Okay, cool, so we’ve set the board up. It’s an alleyway, there is a crate towards one end, and there is a sort of nook doorway halfway along. We’ve got Thompson at the end next to Bertie, who’s literally moving in to headbutt him in the face. We’ve got Figgis in the middle, the thousand-yard-stare Figgis,

LYDIA

Which direction is he staring in?

ALEX

(laughing) I think he’s staring in all of them at once because it’s Pathfinder and that’s how the game works! And then we got Sasha behind Zolf and then at the other end, the man with no name currently.

BEN

It’s mysterious.

ALEX

Who no doubt Ben will name like Clumpy Stump or something.

BEN

Good name! We’ll take it.

ALEX

And now it’s going to stick as much as I did that as a joke. It’s totally going to stick.

BRYN(?)

Clumpty Stump, the thug.

ALEX

(groaning) Right, okay. So anyway, yes, first things first, since you initiated, I’m going to give you a surprise round –

[SOMEONE CHEERS]

– because you’ve gone from, “Let’s all be respon –” (headbutting noise)

[LAUGHTER]

So! With that in mind, you’re going to give me an attack roll. However, it will count as an unarmed attack, because you’re trying to nut him in the head.

LYDIA

Because he’s got falcons on his helmet, you said. Does that count?

JAMES(?)

(laughing) I don’t think the falcons have a combat bonus. But they could!

ALEX

I’m quite willing to give you a penalty for having such a heavy helmet that you can’t control, if you want.

JAMES

Well, maybe it’s like a power attack, but for your head, like, it’s hard to hit him.

ALEX

You could power attack him with your head.

JAMES

(makes considering noises) That is… I think it’s a crowd control headbutt, it’s not one that’s meant with that much… I realise it’s a headbutt but it’s not –

ALEX

Then go for it.

BRYN(?)

It’s not a death headbutt.

JAMES

Exactly, it’s just a normal headbutt.

ALEX

I’m going to try and get the turns moving fairly quickly. Like we can take time to discuss rules and stuff obviously, but I’m going to try and keep it shifting, but do make sure you describe what you’re doing.

JAMES

Sure. So I lean in to kind of, you know, move him along gently, and then whack.

ALEX

Okay, go for it.

JAMES

Okay, so what am I rolling for?

ALEX

Roll a D20.

JAMES

Yep.

[DICE ROLLS]

That’s a 20!

ALEX

Natural 20! Okay, the maximum you can deal unarmed is one D6… no…

BRYN

Roll to confirm the crit.

ALEX

Oh yeah, good point, thank you Bryn. So roll it again.

[DICE ROLLS]

JAMES

Nine.

BRYN

Total attack – total melee attack bonus is 4.

ALEX

But I’m going to give him the armed bonus because he’s wearing a helmet. Because why not. So roll one D6 for damage!

[DICE ROLLS]

JAMES

Three.

ALEX

Three. Okay, so let’s just put that one down.

JAMES(?)

Strength bonus of 3, and then 6 damage.

LYDIA

Plus the gauntlet thing right?

BRYN

No it’s times, because it’s a crit.

JAMES

Oh, crikey. So how much damage am I doing to this man –

[LAUGHTER]

ALEX

The nine wouldn’t… the nine wouldn’t confirm –

LYDIA

(laughing) Go through him.

[CROSSTALK]

ALEX

Yeah, it is as well, thank goodness I’ve got all of you here.

JAMES

So what has happened?

ALEX

Basically you are going to be rolling a… 2D6 plus strength, yes?

BRYN

Plus strength twice, if it’s –

ALEX

Oh yeah, plus strength twice.

BRYN

So roll D6 again. So he did 6 and another 6, he’s done 12 damage.

[LAUGHTER]

LYDIA

Good Lord!

JAMES

I’ve headbutt him and I’ve just whacked his skull, straight down over his spine, which just pokes out through the top of it.

BRYN

You have knocked him out. He’s not dead, but.

ALEX

So basically what’s happened is you’re basically still there going, come on, let’s be reasonable, let’s be reasonable. You just grab his collar and bang. The falcon catches him right on the bridge of the nose. There’s a brief, flash of light in his eyes, but he’ll never know if it was the falcon or the blow, but either way, he just crumples. Just gone instantly KO’d, he’s out of it already.

JAMES

How – how noisy was that?

ALEX

There was a clang! To the point where people walking this way stopped and have turned to look and are now watching, at this end. That end, there’s still people going past there, because there’s too much in the way, but here totally, people have noticed.

BEN

If we’d have legitimately heard that clang as well, yeah?

ALEX

Oh yeah. This is echoing down. It sounds like someone got two dustbin lids and they were just cymballing them. Pwaaaang.

JAMES(?)

Sir Bertrand is definitely the sort of character that would be in Stomp.

ALEX

Okay, now we’ll enter initiative, now that you’re past the, the “surprise KO’ing one person in a single blow” round. So it’s Figgis to start. Figgis turns around, sort of… “how’s it going with the situation?” Assesses it… and (uneasily) steps into the shadows.

[LAUGHTER]

Sasha, you’re up.

LYDIA

Hmm, you’re not engaged in fight… this is the problem with having high initiative, but (laughing) only really being able to be good once people are already fighting someone else.

BRYN

If his initiative hasn’t come up yet, he will be flat-footed.

LYDIA

Okay. So I think I essentially will be, I’ll be running around him and coming from the side.

ALEX

Okay. So what’s your move speed?

LYDIA

30.

ALEX

Okay. So with this, just explaining for listeners as well. So we’re using the Pathfinder system, which uses the five-foot squares. So when you have 30 foot, that means that you can move 30 divided by five, which of course is?

ALL

Six.

ALEX

That. I’d phrased that as a question because I couldn’t remember the maths! (laughing) It has been a long, long day. So yeah, so you can totally do that move. And also it’s worth bearing in mind that when you move along diagonals, the first diagonal that you move is five, the next diagonal costs 10, then five, then 10, then five, then 10.

LYDIA

There is only one diagonal.

ALEX

No, I know, I’m just explaining it for future. The reason for that is it’s to keep the movement balance because otherwise you could sort of skip the system by going “I charge in a semicircle and get there quicker.” Like the maths would go a bit wrong.

BRYN(?)

You’d take your move through his threatened area. So he potentially could get an attack of opportunity.

LYDIA

I’ve got, well, it just means that I’ve got plus two on Acrobatics, moving through a creature’s space, including threatened space.

BRYN(?)

So, but he won’t get an attack of opportunity anyway, cause he’s still flat-footed.

LYDIA

Excellent!

BRYN(?)

You can’t get attacks of opportunity until you’ve had your first attack, I believe?

ALEX

Correct.

BEN(?)

I thought that that trait also meant that you didn’t get an attack of opportunity from… oh, it was leaving a threatened space.

ALEX

Well, for Pathfinder, attacks of opportunity are either triggered by something that specifically says it. So attacking someone with an unarmed attack, they would get an attack of opportunity, but he didn’t, cause you basically came from nowhere with it. And you only ever get an attack of opportunity, normally in combat when you’re leaving a, a threatened square. So characters will normally threaten every square that they’re adjacent to, sort of in a circle, in a square around them. If they have something called a reach weapon, they can threaten like every two squares and beyond, so.

BEN

I have that!

ALEX

So – yes, so that means that you can basically hit him if he’s like 10 foot away, depending on what the reach of the triangle is.

[CROSSTALK]

So for the attack of opportunity, he’d have to be within 10 feet of you and then try to leave that 10 foot or move within that 10 foot – sort of square, you have around you.

LYDIA

Okay, he’s four foot. So this…

BEN

I have a special weapon proficiency to use it, which I’m allowed to be because clerics automatically are proficient in the weapon of their gods. For example, with Poseidon obviously it’s a trident, but you – not usually proficient with tridents because…

JAMES

Priest of Poseidon proficient in four sub- or three sub-nuclear deterrents.

[LAUGHTER]

JAMES(?)

I’ve chosen my god!

ALEX

So keeping the turns moving…

LYDIA

So I’m standing at the side of this guy and I’m going to flick out my spring-loaded wrist sheaths –

ALEX

Ka-shink ka-shink, yep!

LYDIA

– and stab him in the side.

ALEX

And because they’re spring-loaded, you basically get them as a swift action, so you don’t need to worry about that. And so you are going to want to roll both attacks.

LYDIA

Alright, so…

ALEX

I would recommend rolling a…

LYDIA

It’s a D4.

ALEX

It’s a D4, plus sneak attack. Cause he’s flat-footed currently.

BRYN

And it’s a hit.

ALEX

So you need to roll a D20…

LYDIA

Uh-huh.

[DICE ROLLS]

17.

ALEX

Which is a hit, so roll the damage first. Yep, roll both.

LYDIA

4 and 1.

ALEX

So that’s 5.

BRYN

Plus 1.

LYDIA

Plus 1… foot when flanking. Yeah, I’ll just add 1.

BRYN

This isn’t flanking –

ALEX

This isn’t flanking, it is flat-footed, but it’s not flanking. So that’s a five from the first attack. Roll the second?

[DICE ROLLS]

LYDIA

13, so I guess …

ALEX

That, as far as I’m aware, will be a hit again. (pause) ‘Cause he’s good, but he’s not that good!

BRYN

And he’s flat-footed.

ALEX

And, yeah. So to clarify, flat-footed, you’re catching your character unawares. So what that means is that your sneak attack is active as if you were flanking, but – very important – you’re not flanking.

LYDIA

Right.

ALEX

‘Cause there are some things that will say “when flanking, blah.” Also it affects things, like their AC is lower and stuff like that.

LYDIA

Cool.

ALEX

So basically for you, you always want to be catching people flat-footed.

LYDIA

How do I know if I’ve hit him? So a 13…

ALEX

I basically tell you.

LYDIA

Okay.

ALEX

And you’ve hit him.

[DICE ROLLS]

LYDIA

6 plus 2, 8.

ALEX

Eight, okay.

BRYN

Is it not – your strength modifier is one, so it should be eight minus one.

ALEX

Oh yeah. Good point.

LYDIA

Oh, so – okay, so seven. Was that true with the other one as well?

BRYN

Yeah – oh, yes.

LYDIA

So that was, that was five or was it four?

BRYN

That was five because it was a four and a one. So you actually did four –

LYDIA

Right, so, so that was four and this is seven …

ALEX

And to be honest, it doesn’t matter.

(cheering) He’s down!

LYDIA

Yay!

ALEX

Yeah, quite simply he just seems to be sort of reaching for something under his jacket. Yeah, just straight away you come up behind him, and… help me describe what you do.

LYDIA

So I bounce off the walls. So I’m kind of running in a kind of arc, I’m a parkour-y optimised character!

[LAUGHTER]

Really, crowds and acrobatics is what I do. So I come round the back, you guys barely see, I guess, because it’s only as I get right up to it that I flick my daggers. They’re in my hands, and I stab him just under his arm as he’s reaching for his weapon. So he collapses very quietly…

BEN(?)

…with a potentially collapsed lung.

LYDIA

Yeah, he falls silently. There might be a slight wheezing sound, I guess.

ALEX

Okay. Okay, yeah, and –

JAMES(?)

A balloon deflating. (over Alex) A balloon made of meat.

ALEX

Urgh.

LYDIA

I guess I’m looking back and… really considering heading off and running again. Because I know there are two more charac – people coming behind me.

ALEX

Uh-huh. One sec, actually, let me…

Okay. At which point, shocker. (to himself) I need my little dudes. (louder) Two more basically come in. One of them comes in, assesses the situation, second one comes around him, assesses the situation.

I’m going to make that their turn because they can’t just run around and go, “Oh, I know what’s happening around this corner!” Technically Pathfinder kind of allows that? I think it’s daft, so. That’s setting a precedent for you guys as well, you can’t just blindly charge in where you’ve no idea what’s out there.

BEN(?)

Yep, makes sense.

ALEX

Okay, with that in mind, Bertie, you’re up. You are currently stood over a faintly bloodied and very unconscious man, as two other people come and there is a crowd…

LYDIA

Isn’t it his go?

BRYN(?)

No, no no, because Bertie did –

ALEX

No, cause he basically did the surprise of “Hello! Bang.”

LYDIA

(surprised) I get it! Cool, we all learned something.

JAMES(?)

Quick aside, are these people wearing the same uniform, because you mentioned uniforms.

ALEX

They’re not uniforms, they’re basically wearing fairly nondescript clothes. Neither posh nor poor. The poorest one was… sort of Thompson was slightly shabby, but (laughing) he’s kind of KO’d. So these two others come along, they get the situation and you’re looking at them and they’re going… (probably making a face)

They’re hesitating but they seem to be willing to maybe give it a go, cause they’re looking past you at, um, Sasha at the far end, who they can just about see.

JAMES

Okay, at that point. Can I… da-da-da, would I suffer any sort of combat penalties if I attempted to Intimidate them before I – given that they’re a few feet away, this chap is down, that chap is dead and that’s before they’ve even got into the alley. (inaudible)

ALEX

Well, why don’t we look up the exact wording for Intimidate? It has very specific sort of gameplay actions in combat. So. Looking this up briefly to get the exact wording…

Basically you in combat, you can use it to cause an opponent to become Shaken. Okay. And the DC would be – DC being how difficult it is, what you’d have to roll to effect that – is 10 plus their hit dice, so, how many dice are – hit dice is a way of referring to basically their overall health. And the target’s Wisdom modifier. Which would make it a level one comparatively steep check, and if you’re successful, they’re Shaken, which basically gives them a penalty on their go. But that’s pretty much the sum total of it, and also that would pretty much be your… turn instead of an attack. A Shaken character takes a minus two on attack rolls, saving throws, skill checks, and ability checks. So yeah, what you would be doing is you could move you on, but you’d be going (caveman noises) “ooga booga booga booga booga.” They’d have a bit of a penalty and that’d be the sum total of…

JAMES

(inaudible) Not very impressive. What I was shooting for there was something along the lines of, that guy’s been knocked out, that guy’s been killed and they’ve just arrived in the alley.

ALEX

As GM, I’m allowed to apply some modifiers. But yeah, you can do the roll and you can see. I’m not going to tell you whether it succeeds or not.

JAMES

Okay.

ALEX

But mechanically, if you succeed, they would be… worse at fighting. You wouldn’t necessarily be able to make them flee. That’s kind of a GM’s discretion?

JAMES

Yeah… I’m not sure I’d bother, in that case, the odds seem a bit steep for limited reward? So I might just do it as flavour.

BERTIE

Good afternoon, bloody little poor people!

JAMES

And I draw my massive sword.

ALEX

Okay, drawing a sword counts as a move action.

JAMES

Okay.

ALEX

Which is fine.

JAMES

Mhm. So then can I close the distance between them?

ALEX

Not really if you’re only just drawing your bastard longsword. That’s the problem with a bastard longsword – it’s massive!

JAMES

Takes a long time to draw.

BRYN

You can move while drawing a sword…

ALEX

…which is what I was leading into. Yeah. Is that what you could do if you are going to move and draw, you can. What you couldn’t do is, I know it sounds really pedant-y, but it does make a difference mechanically – if you were to draw your weapon, you couldn’t then move, but what you could do is sort of the move-and-draw.

JAMES

Oh yeah. Well, I’ll do that then, that makes sense.

ALEX

Sure. (beat) Where do you move to?

JAMES

Is my moving impeded by the unconscious Thompson in front of me at all?

ALEX

It would count as difficult terrain.

[RIPPLE OF LAUGHTER]

ALEX

However –

BEN(?)

Step round him.

ALEX

There’s really no reason for you not to just step around. It makes no difference mechanically.

JAMES

Cool, fine. I think… (mumbles under his breath) there, that’s five, that’s 10 foot, and then I’ll attack this chap.

Yep. Okay? I’m not saying anything wrong so far, that’s all fine?

ALEX

No, it’s all good. I’ll leap on you, violently and unappreciatively, when you do so.

JAMES

This might sound stupid – I’m assuming that I’ve got my shield out at this point as well.

ALEX

We’ll work on the assumption that you’re carrying your shield unless I or you say otherwise.

JAMES

Okay. I think it would make sense in a general crowd control scenario to have my shield out and not my sword?

LYDIA

You wanted to show off for your interview!

JAMES

Yeah, that’s true… yeah. I’ll often have my shield out when I interview, that’s the thing. “Where do you see yourself in five years’ time?”

ALEX

(shouting) “Behind a shield!”

[LAUGHTER]

Give me the roll.

JAMES

Cool, okay.

[DICE ROLLS]

Eight!

ALEX

Plus your attack bonus?

JAMES

Four for the bastard sword.

LYDIA

(quietly) Golly.

ALEX

Taking you to…

JAMES

12.

ALEX

…which misses!

[QUIET GASPS]

There’s a “whoa!” You give a big old swing and the guy just sees it coming, mainly because the sword is as big as he is? Like he quite easily just sort of ducks to the side of that one, but he’s definitely looking you in a new light.

Lyd, you’re up.

LYDIA

Right. That’s quite a long distance for me to travel. I guess it’s probably worth saying that I definitely think about just legging it, but these guys have stepped up to the plate, and I feel a bit bad about leaving them. So I guess it’s just a case of traveling my six, which might be one, two… so that’s 15, 10, because I just want to be sideways, so that I can perhaps…

ALEX

That’s two diagonals – a 5 and a 10, a total of 15.

LYDIA

Sorry, these are each five, right? These squares?

BRYN(?)

Yep, but if you move two diagonally …

LYDIA

So it’s 15,

LYDIA & ALEX

20, 25, 30…

LYDIA

And then that’s a bit too far for me to throw my daggers.

ALEX

What you could do is you can use your turn to move double. So a move is made up by a standard action, a move action, and a swift action.

LYDIA

Right, okay.

ALEX

So what you can do is you can trade those down, so you could trade your standard action for two move actions. It’s called a double move.

LYDIA

Cool!

ALEX

Or you can trade it for something called a run action, which is you basically pegging it, but… that is much faster, but at the expense of you can’t do anything else, you’re running in pretty much straight lines, and blah blah blah.

LYDIA

Well then – I think I will run up to here, behind this box. I may even crouch behind said box.

ALEX

It would grant you bonuses for cover basically. So if any of them are having any ranged attacks or anything that will come into play! Okay, cool.

At which point, let’s briefly cut from combat to Hamid. You’re following the crowd, and you see basically an enormous crowd off into the distance. And off to the right, what looks like a kind of sideshow crowd! And a couple of them are yelling, and there seems to be some drunken men sort of clamouring to get through to the, to the front of that crowd. And to put it bluntly – pass us your little dude – you are appearing about… (clonk of miniature) here, and in between you and them are a bunch of –

[BEAT]

[LAUGHTER]

Because of the miniatures we’re using, an enormous horde of horrifying abominations! Um… say a crowd of people like that.

LYDIA

They’re party tyranids(?)! They’re all painted in neon colours.

JAMES(?)

Could you use the colours that are not the red colours, because –

ALEX

Oh, yep, sorry. There we go. – And a tank. Why not? There’s also a tank.

JAMES(?)

There’s a cat party going on.

ALEX

I’m going to remove him for the simple reason that he’s literally taking up six squares. For anyone who’s listening, it’s an enormous metal sort of tyranid …

BRYN, JAMES

Carnifex.

ALEX

Carnif – oh, I’m so sorry.

JAMES

I can’t believe I remember that.

[LAUGHTER]

ALEX

So! Basically you’re in initiative order, Bryn, but obviously there’s going to be a bit more RP-ing to yours to take into the situation. So yeah, you’ve literally come around and you’re seeing that and you can see a guy KO’d and you basically see him with like, swinging a miss for the…

HAMID

(high-pitched) Oh my God, it’s Bertie!

[LAUGHTER]

BRYN

I’m going to push my way through the crowd to the front, but not really get involved.

ALEX

Yeah, that’s fine.

[A FEW SNORTS]

Give me a perception check, James.

JAMES

Uh… 9, plu –

BRYN

Minus one.

JAMES

Miiiinus one, (audibly wincing) eight.

[LAUGHTER]

LYDIA

“There’s a halfling!”

ALEX

(simultaneously) Minus one, yeah, no, you have no idea. Basically, he’s going, “Oh my God, it’s Bertie!” And you’re going (shouting incomprehensibly, yet somehow singsong?) “AH BRAH BRAH, chaffing and cutting the wheat with my sword!” Okay.

LYDIA

He is distracted, to be fair!

ALEX

Okay, so Figgis. Right.

BEN

Isn’t it my go? Because Figgis already – moved?

BRYN(?)

Figgis did already move.

BEN

He moved into the shadows.

LYDIA

He did.

ALEX

(pause) So it is yours. I apologise.

BEN

This man here, he’s bleeding, right?

ALEX

Yep.

BEN

(smug) Oh, good.

[TWO DECISIVE CLONKS]

[LAUGHTER]

Stabilise.

ALEX

Yep. Okay, cool! Describe it to me.

BRYN(?)

Wait, you can only move 10, can’t you?

BEN

Yep! That was my move!

[LAUGHTER]

ALEX

So to clarify in this game, he can move two squares.

BEN

‘Cause of my peg leg.

ALEX

Two squares!

LYDIA

And being a dwarf.

BEN

Um, yes, does he want to roll a Will save, against the Stabilise.

ALEX

Uh… I’m going to go ahead and say no?

BEN

Okay, cool. Well, I’ve got to give him the option.

[SNICKERS]

ALEX

Okay. Describe what – Stabilising, what you’ll do mechanically and what it looks like fluffy.

BEN

Okay, so Stabilise – effectively when a character has been downed in a lethal way, they start bleeding out. So they start losing a hit point a turn. Once it hits minus 10, they’re dead, dead.

ALEX

Pretty much.

BEN

They have to be resurrected by magical fantasy means.

ALEX

Yes.

BEN

Stabilise effectively says “stop it.” It just stops their bleed count, means they won’t bleed out. They’re still unconscious, they’re just not going to die, which is good. For me, that means getting a… bending down, getting a little kind of waterskin of some water out of my pocket, pouring it over the wound and muttering some prayers beside him.

ALEX

Okay, cool. It becomes readily apparent that the guy has stabilised. The small knife wounds appear to knit enough, by which, I mean the bleeding stops, there’s some clotting going on. By no means have you healed this person, but they’re no longer like bleeding out all over the floor.

BRYN(?)

He’s not fine, he’s just not completely screwed.

ALEX

Yeah, good way of putting it.

Okay, apologies. Now, now it’s Figgis. So with that in mind, let me do a quick roll.

[DICE ROLLS]

You hear a clang and…

Give me a Perception roll, uh, Lydia?

LYDIA

Me? Okay.

[DICE ROLLS]

Nine. Oh, sorry. Nine plus six…

ALEX

Fifteen?

LYDIA

I can do maths!

ALEX

Figgis appears to be wailing on the lock of the door.

LYDIA

Hm.

JAMES(?)

Wailing as in hitting.

ALEX

Wailing as in hitting, sorry. Yes, that’s a totally an ism from where I grew up.

LYDIA

I find this offensive both from a moral standpoint and a professional one!

ALEX

But yeah, he’s clearly like hitting the lock. (unconvincingly) Who knows, maybe he’s trying to get out and flank around!

Okay, after that, the guy who’s immediately facing Bertie tries his luck. Unwisely, but he’ll try his luck.

[DICE ROLLS]

What’s your AC?

JAMES

20.

[LAUGHTER]

ALEX

Won’t bother saying what he rolled, because… actually what would he have to roll, out of curiosity? I’m not going to say it out in case I uh…

[PAUSE]

(snort) Yeah, I’m not going to say, let’s just say there needs to be – there needs to be another figure in there at the very least?

JAMES

(as Bertie) Do you mind!

[LAUGHTER]

ALEX

So he basically… yeah, he draws what looks like a shortsword, actually. Like he’s wearing a fairly larger coat and it’s kind of a bit higher up so he could get away with hiding it – he draws it and then just winds back and does a real, like big slice, (thump) right onto the side of the breastplate, and it doesn’t screech or anything. It just – wong! – it just stops it dead. Like there’s no sort of, he didn’t like swing-and-a-miss. He just connected and nothing. Like nothing, he didn’t even register it.

This guy takes a five foot step. So a five foot step is where instead of doing a big move, you just move one square, but in doing so you can avoid those attacks of opportunities we were talking about. So another way you can avoid them, by the way – which is useful for you, Lydia – is Acrobatics.

LYDIA

Yeah. Just being me avoids most…

ALEX

I was just going to say that seems to be doing the job. So this guy also will try his luck, but (laughing) there’s no way he’s risking an attack of opportunity.

[DICE ROLLS]

Ooh! 20, was it?

JAMES(?)

Yeah.

ALEX

That’s a hit.

LYDIA

Is he flanking?

ALEX

No, he would have to be immediately opposite on the far side.

LYDIA

Ohhh, right.

ALEX

Yeah, flanking is a bit of a weird one where it requires you to be, like, directly opposite. If you were – if you’re side to side, it doesn’t really count.

BRYN(?)

Yeah, if you’re there and there, that’s flanking.

ALEX

Yeah, it’s – the way to describe it is, if you imagine a 180-degree line… (confused pause) long story short,

LYDIA

I get it.

ALEX

It’s to do with, they have to be on what you’d appreciate to be opposite sides. The other rules that will be fun eventually have to do with range stuff and it’s like how it covers corners of squares and stuff. It’s a bit weird. So he’ll roll his attack, which is a formidable one D6 plus a little bit more.

[DICE ROLLS]

He deals you 4 damage. You deduct that from your total hit points and write that on your sheet.

JAMES

So I’m now down to 9.

ALEX

Mhm. See, that’s the thing with level one, is that everyone gets quite cocky because you can down people in a single blow, but you also –

JAMES(?)

Can be downed in a single blow.

ALEX

– forget that if you get hit twice, you’re probably going to go down yourself. Level one’s a slightly weird one, it kind of stabilises in the later levels. Okay, so that is the two cutpurses. And… Bertie? Yeah, Bertie, you’re up.

JAMES

Okay, I’m going to swing my sword at the one who just wounded me.

ALEX

Uh huh.

JAMES

I’m struggling to hit them, aren’t I? I didn’t last time.

ALEX

You didn’t roll particularly high.

JAMES

Okay. I’m just going to go for a normal attack. Upper right.

[DICE ROLLS]

18.

ALEX

Eighteen. What’s the threat range on a bastard? Is it 19 or 20?

BRYN

19, 20.

ALEX

Okay, cool. So you get a hit. So roll your damage, which will be the damage on a bastard being 1D10 plus your Strength, which is …

JAMES

I’ve got a 16, so I’ve got an ability modifier of 3?

ALEX

That’s correct. So you are…

JAMES

D10 plus three.

ALEX

Yeah, and that three is guaranteed.

JAMES

Four plus three is seven.

ALEX

Seven, okay… Okay, that’s your turn then.

JAMES

How is he looking?

ALEX

(perky) Bad! Not good, quite bad.

JAMES

As in like in half bad, or …

ALEX

He’s still kickin’. He’s not knocked out or anything. We’ll say that because it’s a longsword, it’s… (checks something) yeah, basically it, it tears through a shirt revealing what looks like a leather cuirass underneath. And effectively it tears through that as well, exposing sort of the skin beneath and maybe gives him a light cut, but it doesn’t actually like, you know, sever huge chunks of his body.

JAMES

So it’s just a flesh wound, he’s not just – he’s not part of a person.

ALEX

Yeah, exactly. Okay, then onto Lydia.

LYDIA

One thing I kind of want to clarify… is in Pathfinder – like these are people, people that I vaguely know. If I don’t want to kill them, but I don’t want them to keep fighting, what are my options?

ALEX

You have the option of dealing non-lethal damage with a lethal weapon, which gives you a penalty of… do you know this off the top of your head, Bryn?

BRYN

I don’t, I… you have to take an attack penalty to do it, but…

ALEX

It’s around the minus one, minus two mark, where basically what people tend to do in that kind of situation is use lethal to bring them down faster. And then when they’re kind of, when you think they’re kind of approaching the knockout, you swap to non-lethal. And other people will also just stuck(?) a non-lethal item. So for yourself, I’d recommend at some point picking up a sap.

A sap is, think of it as basically a softball sanders(?), Terry Pratchett would put it. It’s like a kosh. You just use it to kwip (makes baseball bat hitting ball sound). So what you’ll do is whilst fighting, a lot of people will take quick draw. You don’t need it because you’ve got the wrist, but it allows you to change weapons quickly. So they’ll bring them down and then they’ll just finish them off with a kosh to the head to knock them out.

LYDIA

Yeah, but I don’t really have those things, so I don’t have that much of an option. So I need to just try for non-lethal.

ALEX

Ultimately, the most damage that you could do is not going to be enough to kill him outright. He would need to make saves against bleeding out. And presumably in that time, Mr. Cleric over here –

BEN

If I can get over there.

[LAUGHTER]

ALEX

If Bertie was to go over, pick him up, carry him back –

LYDIA

Yeah, okay. Um, in which case…

BEN

And she doesn’t know I’m a cleric.

ALEX

Say again?

LYDIA

(simultaneously) Oh, right.

BEN

She doesn’t know I can Stabilise right now.

ALEX

Oh, true.

BRYN

Anyone can attempt to Stabilise.

[AGREEING NOISES]

ALEX

That’s true as well. That’s true as well.

LYDIA

I do, I’ve got 2 in Heal.

BRYN(?)

Oh yeah, you can Stabilise, then.

LYDIA

Can I?

BRYN

Yeah, you can roll for it.

ALEX

Stabilise is basically… absolute critical first aid.

LYDIA

Okay. Right, so in that case, it sounds like trying for non-lethal isn’t worth it in this case.

ALEX

It depends. There’s an argument for both.

LYDIA

I think she’d try for non-lethal! She doesn’t, she doesn’t like killing people. At least not yet!

ALEX

That’s fine.

[BEAT. LAUGHTER AS ALEX REALISES WHAT LYDIA HAS JUST SAID]

BEN

Foreshadowing, ooh!

[CROSSTALK]

LYDIA

These are people that she knows!

ALEX

In fairness, murdering a bunch of people with a crowd watching is always problematic.

LYDIA

Yeah, exactly. It’s like, there’s an audience, there’s an audience that’s talking to us at this end. So yeah, can I hop over that box with my Acrobatics and get to be directly behind him?

ALEX

You could. What I’ll do is I’ll say that mechanically, you would have just moved around it without any penalties. Which would be the 5, 15, 20, 25. So we’ll say that mechanically you did so. However, what I would point out is that if you go here, (clonk) you are leaving a threatened square, because he currently threatens all squares around him, remember that you have universal vision as it were. So if you were to stop there…

LYDIA

But then am I behind him? Am I flanking?

ALEX & BRYN

Yes.

LYDIA

Okay, cool. I’ll be in that flanking square, and I will try for a non-lethal stab.

BRYN

Should we assume that the flanking bonus cancels the non-lethal penalty?

ALEX

Yeah, they do.

[BEAT]

I’m being incredibly lazy here and could look it up, but frankly (whisper) it’s not worth the time right now! (laughs to himself) Shouldn’t admit that to our listening audience.

LYDIA

So that means that I just roll the 1D4?

ALEX

You still have to roll the attack.

LYDIA

Sorry, yeah. (comically high-pitched) I’m new at this! (regular voice) 10.

ALEX

So what’s your attack bonus with the dagger?

LYDIA

One.

ALEX

Does not hit.

LYDIA

Aw, phew! Well that solves my dilemma!

[LAUGHTER]

ALEX

Welcome to basically all banes of RPGs.

LYDIA

That’s – I do have another dagger, though.

ALEX

You do! Go for the roll.

LYDIA

2.

BEN(?)

If only all moral dilemmas could be solved by ineptitude.

[CACKLING]

LYDIA

My hesitancy is really, is really undermining my ability here.

ALEX

And onto Hamid. Currently, the last thing that happened was, “Oh my God, it’s Bertie!”

BRYN

I watch and wait.

ALEX

That’s fine.

[LAUGHTER]

BRYN

I don’t know what’s going on!

ALEX

Ben, you’re up.

BEN

Cool. Um, drag this guy, kind of lean him up against the wall?

ALEX

I’ll let you do that flavour-wise, otherwise that’s going to cost you so much move.

BEN

Oh no, that was my turn.

ALEX

Oh, sure.

JAMES(?)

That’s what you want to do?

BEN

Yeah.

JAMES(?)

Thanks?

ALEX

(laughing) In fairness, it’s going to take you about 10 rounds to make it down the alley!

JAMES

He could run!

BEN

(simultaneously) Uh, no, I can run. I can run.

ALEX

How long with him pegging it, how far would he get?

BEN

Pegging it, eh?

JAMES

Oh, poor choice of word.

[EVERYONE GROANS]

ALEX

If you were to do the run action, you could get involved by your next round, if you choose. Okay, cool. So you spend your turn propping that guy against the wall.

BEN

It’s just an unconscious bleeding dude.

ALEX

He’s not bleeding!

BEN

He is covered in blood!

ALEX

(laughing) Yeah, he is covered in blood. Okay, on to our good friend Figgis.

[DICE ROLLS]

Ooh, it’s a fine hit! You – oh, you can’t get an angle on him from where you are, you just hear another clang. And then as far as you’re aware, Figgis is still in that alleyway. (unconvincingly) Let’s just – yeah, let’s just (grandiose) presume he’s still definitely waiting for an opportune moment to attack!

JAMES

Do we need to roll a Perception or anything to detect his absence or…

ALEX

Not really. He was out of sight for you for ages.

JAMES

Right, okay.

ALEX

In which case this guy will go for you first.

[DICE ROLLS]

Won’t hit, and another one,

[DICE ROLLS]

won’t hit!

JAMES

So, “ping” and “ping.”

ALEX

Yeah, that was both. Honestly, for rolls that low, which were a nine and a four, by the way, for people asking – thinking – yeah, they just, they didn’t even make contact at that point. It was pretty much a case of them making an over-exaggerated lunge for you, and it’s the equivalent of like, (boasting) “Ha HA!” You can flavour it however you want, but they didn’t even contact that time.

Um, Lydia, you’re up.

LYDIA

Cool. I will try my non-lethal stabs. See if my hesitancy has…

[DICE ROLLS]

Ooh, 18.

ALEX

That’s a hit!

LYDIA

Eighteen!

ALEX

And don’t forget your second attack.

LYDIA

Yeah. Well, I’ve got to see how much damage I do, truly.

ALEX

It’s much of a muchness.

[DICE ROLLS]

LYDIA

Triangle one. One.

BRYN

Minus your strength count.

ALEX

So that’s cancelled it out. So now roll for your D6.

[LYDIA MAKES A CONFUSED NOISE]

You’re automatically taking minus one because you’ve got eight in your strength. That’s the trade-off.

LYDIA

Okay. I thought I’d switched the deck(?) so that’s why I had an attack bonus.

ALEX

You have but that…

BRYN

…but that’s for hit, not for damage.

LYDIA

Right, right, okay.

ALEX

Yeah. So you’ll always deal minus one on the damage.

[DICE ROLLS]

LYDIA

Ooh, my other one misses. I managed to get a two.

BRYN

You also have a sneak attack…

ALEX

You can get your sneak attack combo on the first one which hit, because you’re fighting.

[DICE ROLLS]

LYDIA

Four.

ALEX

Four.

BRYN

You also… (dramatic pause) get a plus one to damage, because you’re flanking.

LYDIA

Yes, I do.

ALEX

Oh, so you’re back up to five – yeah, good point. (lets out a long breath) Ahhh, two weapon fighting, don’t you love it.

LYDIA

Yeah, so that was all my first weapon, and then my second one I got two, which I don’t think is a critical, I don’t stab myself when I roll…

ALEX

Two, you don’t hit, no. What you can is, depending – there are fumble rules in Pathfinder, I tend to dodge them in combat and not really bother, but it’s stuff like if you roll a natural one, you’re meant to roll on, like, another table to see whether you dropped your weapon or whether your weapon explodes in your face, and. Depending on how far you want to go, there are brilliant ones for spell failure. One of which includes things like the nearest person to you dies, your arm falls off. Like they’re quite elaborate.

BRYN(?)

You turn purple.

ALEX

Yeah, yeah. Someone I know looked like, but was not a bugbear for an entire campaign as a result of one of them. A bugbear is not a very nice creature.

BRYN(?)

We had someone who couldn’t stop Detecting Magic.

[LAUGHTER]

He just had Detect Magic on his eyes consistently, so he had to have special goggles made so that he wasn’t blinded by this highly magical campaign.

ALEX

Aw, poor guy. Poor guy.

Okay, Hamid, you’re up. You’ve seen a bunch of people try to whale on Bertie. Not successfully! But they’ve been trying to, trying to hit him.

[BEAT]

[BRYN DRAWS A BREATH]

BRYN

Yeah, I don’t know the situation.

ALEX

That’s fine.

BRYN

But I’m not going to get involved.

JAMES

I don’t like your character.

[LAUGHTER]

BRYN

We haven’t seen each other in like a year! I have no idea what’s going on!

JAMES

If I hadn’t seen you for a year, Bryn, and I saw two people wiggling onto you at the end of the alley, I wouldn’t just stand back and go, “Wow, they might have a point.”

[LYDIA GASPING WITH LAUGHTER]

BEN

What if Bryn was in huge great armour going “Ha HA!” and swords were bouncing off him.

JAMES

Well, even then – even then I would –

ALEX

Keeping it moving…

BRYN

I’m a lover, not a fighter.

BEN

Sure, right. Well, I do have something with range, which is nice. 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6… I still need to be there, I’m still far too far away. So the run action, right, how does that work? How much faster do I get?

BRYN

You go four times your pace.

BEN

Okay.

ALEX

(laughing) Which is formidable!

BEN

(slow counting, clonking of miniature with each number) 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, (deadpan) I’ve hit a box.

[LAUGHTER]

ALEX

So you could take a diagonal…

BRYN

No you can’t, you have to go in a straight line.

ALEX

Oh yes, your run action. (cackling)

BEN

I’ve – I’ve hit a box.

JAMES

Are there any puddles you could command –

ALEX

So that was a formidable dash down the alley.

BEN

I was like, “whoa!” (rapid-fire clonking miniature)

ALEX

Okay, Figgis does whatever Figgis is doing out of sight. The cutthroats, okay.

JAMES(?)

Again?

ALEX & LYDIA

We’ve gone back round.

JAMES(?)

Oh, right.

[DICE ROLLS]

BEN(?)

I think it’s just they’re whaling on you continuously. So you’re like, “ugh, not this again.”

ALEX

And the reason they are is because you’re dropping them left, right, and centre. Um, so that’s a roll of… nope. And the other one?

[DICE ROLLS]

Nope! The first one misses, the second one makes contact, but just can’t get through the armour.

BRYN

If it looks like you’re in trouble, I’ll help.

[LAUGHTER]

ALEX

Bertie, you’re up.

JAMES

Okay, I reckon this one is pretty well flanked by, uh… Sasha. So, oh, I don’t know your name yet do I? We haven’t been formally introduced.

LYDIA

No, not formally.

[LAUGHTER]

You can think of me as stabby, small woman. Stabby McQuiet.

ALEX

Hey, we established, she’s not a girl or young or distinct. She is “woman.”

LYDIA

(indignant) I think you called her a little girl!

ALEX

Well, she’s “woman.”

LYDIA

Yeah, thanks. I’ve been promoted.

ALEX

I’ve been strongly, strongly corrected at the beginning of the campaign. It’s “woman.”

JAMES

Right. Is this crowd starting to pay attention now?

ALEX

The crowd is getting bigger and bigger and bigger.

JAMES

Okay, cool. Are they like, “ooh, there’s a fight.” Are they cheering?

ALEX

The drunken guys are currently populating the side nearest the big crowd, and it seems like they’re all yelling encouragement for Stabby Woman.

JAMES

Okay, right. I’m not pleased that you’re drawing focus.

[HOWL OF LAUGHTER]

I’m going to go for a power attack on that guy, and I’m going to tend to neatly bisect him.

BEN

(slight despair) I can’t Stabilise that.

[LAUGHTER]

JAMES

I’m fine with that.

ALEX

Go for it, go for the roll.

[DICE ROLLS]

JAMES

Sixteen.

ALEX

That’s a hit. It’s a fine hit! So you roll your…

JAMES

D10 plus 3?

ALEX

Coooorrect.

BEN(?)

With your extra +1 for power attack.

JAMES

Eight plus three, which is 11, plus one more makes a total of 12.

BRYN(?)

It’s a bonus of two on damage for power attack.

[CROSSTALK]

JAMES

– Thirteen.

BRYN(?)

I don’t think – he’s probably not dead, dead, dead, dead. But.

ALEX

So you basically wind up, you know, we’re giving a little bit of a look to all of the people, making sure they’re looking and just, you know, almost baseball swing it around.

[LYDIA GROANS]

It connects. In a big way. You can’t see through clothing in the cuirass, but it’s clearly in the person.

JAMES

How many – like an inch, like two inches?

[SOUNDS OF LYDIA SUFFERING]

ALEX

I’m not going to go into that much detail. I’m just going to say that it went in.

JAMES

It’s gone in an inch.

[LAUGHTER]

ALEX

And then basically he’s very, very down.

JAMES

Okay.

ALEX

Very, very down. There’s quite a lot of blood. A couple of people in the crowd scream, a lot of the people in the crowd cheer,

[SNORTS FROM PLAYERS]

And you see, there are sort of guards trying to fight their way through and…

ZOLF

Aw, that’s annoying. Don’t worry, we’re crowd control.

[LAUGHTER]

(in a whisper) Run! It’s (inaudible)

ALEX

Okay, um… Lydia.

LYDIA

I’m going to frickin’ attempt my non-lethal stab again.

ALEX

Go for it.

LYDIA

It didn’t –

[DICE ROLLS]

Eight.

ALEX

Uh… Oooh. Nope.

LYDIA

Mm. Welp. Second one.

ALEX

Second one.

[DICE ROLLS]

LYDIA

What? One!

BEN(?)

(ominous) Ooooooooh.

LYDIA

One! Do I hurt myself?

ALEX

(long breath) You know what? What I’ll do is I’ll get you to roll a D20 and then I’ll use that to decide fluff.

LYDIA

Okay.

[DICE ROLLS]

Fourteen.

ALEX

Nah, you’re fine.

LYDIA

Okay!

ALEX

Nothing fluffable happens.

LYDIA

I just… cock up.

ALEX

I mean, it’s a 1 in… it’s a 1 in 400 chance of two natural ones in a row.

LYDIA

Then I’d stab myself.

ALEX

So I think that would be worth of a fumble I’m afraid, but no …

JAMES(?)

Stab yourself in the eye. Rubbish.

ALEX

Okay, so… Hamid.

BRYN

…Um –

ALEX

(starting to cackle) You’ve just watched your old friend just – just basically massacre someone! I mean the guy’s not dead, clearly. He’s going (makes dying noises)

BRYN

I cast… Prestidigitation.

I turn to the crowd and shout loudly, “Come to Bertie & Bots for all your blood-based jokes!” And cause fake blood to spray from my arm onto the floor. I am bluffing the crowd. This is a promotional thing!

ALEX

(absolutely delighted) Yeah! Give me a – give me a bluff check!

BEN

That’s some good, like it’s in media res advertising…

[LAUGHTER]

ALEX

It’s, it’s, it’s improv everywhere.

[DICE ROLLS]

BRYN(?)

That is an awful D20.

JAMES(?)

What was that? Is that a one?

BRYN

No, It’s a seven. But my bluff is seven, I think. It’s not great.

ALEX

Taking it to 14?

BRYN

(regretting life choices) Yeah…

ALEX

There’s a couple of people are going, (excitedly) ooh, ooh, ooh, that’s brilliant! There’s a few people who aren’t like completely moronic, who are going – (soft) What? Why would you – wh –

BEN(?)

This is not a very convincing advertising campaign at all!

ALEX

At best, this is tasteless?

[LAUGHTER]

At worst, this is, this is actually murder!

JAMES

(Bertie-like) I just don’t feel I’m engaging with the brand?

ALEX

What you’re benefitting from is the crowd mentality of, “someone should do something!” “Oh, yes, yes. I agree. Definitely.”

So, uh…

BRYN

I’ll have another go next.

ALEX

And Ben, you’re up.

BEN

Hello! Uh, cool. Can you –

ALEX

(laughing) You’ve just seen someone get annihilated and this guy is KO’d.

LYDIA

And there’s blood everywhere.

ZOLF

Don’t kill him, you idiot!

BEN

Um… And then I move very slowly…

ALEX

You could move your 10 and stabilise the one nearest to you.

BEN

That’s fine. (miniature clonking noises)

Uh, oo –

[SOMETHING DISTINCTLY CRASHES]

[LAUGHTER]

ALEX

Thanks for that.

BEN(?)

(singsong) It fell over –

ALEX

This is going to be the longest episode in the world.

BEN

I, I Ray of Frost him or whatever it is. Icicle! I fire an icicle at him. So it’s a range touch attack.

ALEX

Okay. So give me the attack roll.

BEN

What is the range touch attack roll?

ALEX

It will be a D20.

BRYN

It’s your… Base plus Dex. Base attack plus Dex. So you’re on zero, but you’re against a touch AC, which is going to be really low, so.

ALEX

Yeah, because touch AC, the idea is that it’s just to make contact with the person. So wearing huge amounts of armour doesn’t actually…

BEN

Sure, okay.

[DICE ROLLS]

Sixteen!

ALEX

That’s a hit.

BEN

Cool! (quiet singsong) Dealing myself like a…

[DICE ROLLS]

2 Cold damage plus half cleric level. I’m assuming that will be rounded down to zero?

ALEX

That’s normally in a minimum of one.

BEN

Oh okay, so three damage, three cold damage.

ALEX

And the last one drops.

[SOMETHING ELSE CRASHES]

As do (laughing) apparently all of the crowd who I knocked over. Yes, the last guy drops. (hums a trumpet victory fanfare) Congratulations! You all just completed a combat.

[EVERYONE CHEERS]

LYDIA

We did a combat!

ALEX

Which is a really great place to end…

BEN

Brief addendum just in case – I was – Stabilising three of them was my next action.

ALEX

Alllllright.

BRYN

Can I make my final bluff check?

ALEX

All right, we’ll close on your final bluff check.

BRYN

I’m going to roll it first and then just go with what happens.

[DICE ROLLS]

(sad) I did not roll well.

[LAUGHTER]

Twelve.

ALEX

Twelve –

BRYN

I’d probably go on about fake blood some more, or waving my arms ineffectively.

ALEX

Spraying fake blood everywhere!

JAMES

At this point, Bertie steps over him and attempts to bluff himself, because it was Bertie…

ALEX

I’m going to close on the, the impotent blood spray because we – we’re out of time and we’ve run over massively. So! Uh…

BRYN

I totally made a contribution!

LYDIA

I begin (affecting an annoyed, tired grumble) winching my daggers back into my spring-loaded sheaths.

ALEX

Okay, I think we’re gonna close on that. So with that in mind, thanks everyone for listening and we hope you had a good time with Figgis stomping McClomperson and basically the rest of the team?

LYDIA

And Thompson!

ALEX

And Thompson. So, thanks for listening.

ALL

Bye!

[RUSTY QUILL GAMING THEME]

ALEX

Rusty Quill Gaming is a podcast distributed by rustyquill.com and licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution Non-Commercial International License. Today’s episode was recorded and produced by Alexander J Newall. To comment on episodes, make donations, and view links, images, videos and show notes, visit rustyquill.com. Rate and review us on iTunes, visit us on Facebook, tweet us on Twitter @therustyquill, or email us at mail@rustyquill.com. Thanks for listening.

[AS THE THEME FADES OUT: BLOOPERS!]

ALEX

(singsong) Ad break, ad break, it’s definitely an ad break for – like, our own shows.

[LAUGHTER]

JAMES

(also singsong) Washing machines live longer with Calgon!

BEN

But we can always fill it with comedy adverts as well if we want to.

ALEX

Oh yeah, that’s the thing, is basically I’m leaving this slot free because –

LYDIA

(singsong) Oh, I’ve marchin’ with a sword, I’ve got a sword…

[LAUGHTER]

---

LYDIA

I listen to the door! The door says nothing. But it appreciates the attention!

---

ALEX

And there is – there’s obviously this ball dancing around –

[ALEX IS INTERRUPTED BY THE FAINT SOUNDS OF AN ICE CREAM TRUCK OUTSIDE]

There’s an ice cream truck around.

BEN(?)

(laughing) There is an ice cream truck –

ALEX

(cheering) There is ice cream in the casino!

ALL

Hurray!

[HYSTERICAL LAUGHTER, MOSTLY FROM ALEX]

ALEX

This is one of the problems of podcasting, is occasionally there’s ice cream.

JAMES

Can we have an ice cream, can we have an ice cream?

LYDIA

(simultaneously) Can we have a, can we –

ALEX

You can have an ice cream if you do your podcasting properly.

LYDIA

Aw…